ampulesandvials

[ampulesandvials]

I miss you.

They said, “one day it will all come back to you.” since we broke up I have prayed that there will be less tears in the coming days. I won’t lie, tears were less since that day. But, I won’t lie either if I didn’t say that I didn’t missed you at all. 

I miss you. If only I could send you a text/chat message, I would but it wouldn’t change anything. As far as I want us to be back, my longing for you isn’t enough for that. There's still tears in my pillow. If I could just talk to you again. Every time I would get a news about you, my heart is sinking repeatedly. It was like my chest is swallowing my heart all over again. I can’t breathe for a few seconds. I just let myself sleep whenever I miss you. I’m still crying while praying for you...for me. 

I hope you have felt how much I missed you in my life since you left. I mean if it’s possible telepathically. I’m not even sure why I’m crying, is it because I miss you or I miss you and I know that you don’t miss me back.

I miss you. I miss us. 

#miss you #jdpr

[ampulesandvials]

Aug 2016

A year ago, someone came to our hospital. He's a new staff. Filipino, so it wasn't that hard to start conversations with. He's still adjusting to the workplace. Since he's new, almost everyone's talking about him from where he came from, how old is he, which area he would be assigned because at that time he can be seen in the ward then sometimes he's with the IPC. Eventually, he was able to adjust and our first encounter was when he noted that the ER and ICU staff who attended the code in our isolation room didn't wear n95 mask which caused me to be reprimanded because he told that, there were no n95 mask in the room and as head of the unit it's under my responsibility to provide the mask. It was his head who reprimanded me. After that, since I'm kind of reactive that time, I was irritated at him for telling his head, which is actually his job. We settled the incident but I was aloof with him due to that incident. There were encounters in between, next was when the MOH made rounds, it was me and him assigned to explain isolation precautions. I helped him to finish what he needs to say. He said thank you. Days passed and I was transferring a patient to the x-ray department, unfortunately, the patient is post hip replacement and she's big, add to that, she's VIP. We had problem during transfer. He's in the same floor and I called him for help. That time we're already okay. I can ask him for work favors and he was kind enough to do things for everyone in the hospital. There was a pageant that time and we need votes to win, he told me that he voted for me, though until now I don't believe that he did because he probably voted for eveyone else too. That time he's trying to get close, there were chats, randomly he'll send me his pictures which annoys me a lot. I was just kind enough to reply to his messages and I really find it unfair if I don't reply because I'm someone who'd want someone to talk to me because they're giving me their time and I'm not doing anything so why not reply, right? So that went on for quite sometime. At the night of the pageant he was asking me to send him a picture of me, all dressed up and prepared for the event. He said he just want to see the one he voted for. I refused, I found it creepy him asking for my picture. Still he continued to chat, send me voice messages of him singing and sending me his pictures. New year's eve 2015, he's chatting again while I was preparing food for everyone. Then he suddenly made a video call, I canceled it, he asked why, I said I don't take video calls. He called up my flatmate and made a video call, I closed the door and didn't open it till they're finished. We just chat until we fell asleep. I didn't told anyone that we're chatting that much. At work we're like a cat and dog fighting. I'm hitting him and always irritated while talking to him. He likes to pester me at work, my staff can attest to it. Though I try to refuse chatting /talking to him, I'm too shy to do so because I know he's wasting his time talking to me and I like talking to someone as well so I didn't told him to stop until he asked me something. January 3, we were chatting and he suddenly dropped the conversation ender. He was asking if he could court me. I was like, dude, you only knew me for how many days? And you want to court me, are you crazy? I said no. That time, I also like someone else so I said no. He told me I love you in his dialect which I had to google because I can't understand it. I said no. It was a short time for him to discern that he likes me to the point that he decided to court me. He just said, in time if we'll have a chance again, he hopes that we're still single. I just said, we could only be friends and we'll see. The conversations got awkward and we seldom chat after that. At work, I was avoiding him, I know it's easy for him but for me I really, really felt awkward, I didn't tell anybody about this. So it was obvious that I'm avoiding him. But it was getting obvious also to everyone that he likes me a lot. Then he started to address me "friend" . I started talking more about the guy I like, even he's in front of me. Months went like that, he's still initiating a conversation, I reply but less than before and there was a big issue which included him, which made me more aloof to him. And he was being talked about that he like so many girls in the hospital. Which was a turn off, he has a vice also so another turn off. But he continued to message once in a while, sending me voice messages while he's singing,initiate conversation at work, listen to my rants, sitting with me if I'm irritated and about to cry. He really stayed as a friend to me and to everyone else. June 22, during a meeting, I received a message from the other guy, he kinda said we'll stay friends and I need to find someone who'll be with me in our supposed to be trips. We had plans and those were canceled already because he said so. It made me sad, I was also talking to him that day because of the meeting and he pissed me off that day that's why he's saying sorry. Suddenly, I told him that I was sad and I need ice cream. At night we had a lecture and he brought me ice cream. We were chatting during the lecture, he said he left the ice cream at my unit's refrigerator. When I saw it, there were too much ice cream. I know I'm sad but I know also that I won't finish it all. He asked me what happened, told him that I was friendzoned (hate that word). After that we talked and chat more. It may seem rebound to everyone but from the time I told him to not court me, he stayed. Despite the issues, other girls, hitting and being aloof, he was still there. He waited for his turn, tho we became impatient (because there were other girls too! 😡) I gave it to him because I think he deserved it, and he has a point. Though he was linked to other girls, I'm the only one he asked to court and he waited for even if I like someone else. I really felt he's serious with me. From chat, he started to make calls, that time video call and calls by FB were about to be ban in KSA. So he can't call me, he spent load to call me after work. We try to find ways to make video calls eventually. So after two weeks, he said he has a project on the holidays (eid), I asked him what it is, he said first it was a secret but he's afraid that I'll get angry. He told me that he'll call my parents to ask if it's ok for them that he'll court me.

PS: This was written AUG 2016. More than a year now and we broke up already.

[ampulesandvials]

DABDDAA

“Embrace the pain”

“Makakahanap ka rin ng iba”

“Hindi mo siya deserve.”

“You’ll be okay.”

Those were few of the words I relentlessly heard for the past two months. All break ups are messy, never knew that was true until I experienced it. I understand that they were lifting me up in this tough time. I found myself crying for the slightest conversation about what happened. I cried buckets of tears dealing with the first few days of break up. Man, it was really hard. Harder than all the exams I took before. Feels like I’ve ran a marathon. The struggle to wake up everyday not thinking about what happened. It was a mental challenge. If I didn’t sulked on him that night, will we still be together? Maybe there will be no  “We need to live our lives separately” at 2am. Maybe the 9am meet-up to make the break up official never happened. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I knew what went wrong. I have the fear of unknown, I hate being lied to. I’ll have a better grasp of reality if I was told the truth. But all I got was “he said like this, that..” it made me feel worst. Thinking that everything was my fault. I lost my self worth. I don’t know the value of myself anymore, all I care about was him. It feels like I haven’t said enough.

The pain was indescribable. Being ripped apart is an understatement, it’s more than being ripped apart and crushed into bits. A part of myself was gone in an instant. I went grieving for someone who is still alive. I went through the stages of grief. It wasn’t DABDA for me, it was DABDDAA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining,Depression, Denial,Anger, Depression, Acceptance)  I was in withdrawal stage. Everything hurts.  I resorted to hurting myself physically. I slapped myself even my whole body so I can feel the pain. I banged my head too many times.Because I can’t grasp the reality. I don’t understand the pain. Even now, it hurts. seeing all of our  memories. Working on the same hospital where we started. Working with people whom we’ve worked before. It was a torture. There’s always something reminding me of him. When he’s happy now and none of those new people and environment will remind me of him. 

My moving on journey isn’t easy but I’m hopeful. I can’t bounce back now. I’m not making any big steps, rather I’m mincing through this process. I’m thankful for people who got my back during this tough time. I thought telling the story will make me better, but it doesn’t lessen the pain that much. I’m still hurt and still praying to be healed. It’s true no words can comfort anyone going through this stage. It’s been two months and I still have a lot to do and say. I’m trying my best to  cope up with my loss. Every day praying that something will be different. Praying that I won’t get affected by him and his ways. Praying to find my self worth. To discern what I can tolerate and not. Praying to love myself again even a big part of it now is lost. Praying to forgive myself for all the blaming and complaining I did. Praying to find myself again. Praying to forgive him...

This is what loving someone too much feels.

[ampulesandvials]

We BROKE UP...

And it hurts so much than I thought it would. This may be the first time I’ll post about this since the break up coz, I know, no one cares, but I want to let it all out. I honestly want to curse him for all the pain I’ve been through. For all the bad thoughts I had in myself. For all the guilt I had this time...but I can’t. I am angry but everyday I’m praying to let go of the anger. I want to shout at him, I want to curse him for everything that’s coming out right now. I want to curse him for being coward, for not being a man. I’m in so so so so so much pain right now. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how will I start. When he have started moving on. It’s his right tho. Telling everyone he’s single and he’s happy. It’s what he feels and that’s valid. But what about mine?  How long will I wait for my feelings to be valid?

[ampulesandvials]

Part 1

Since my boyfriend and I just celebrated our first year together, I asked him a few questions about me and about us. Well I got these questions from a post in Thought Catalog. I thought I could ask these questions as well to my beau. He’s a man of few words so, good luck to me.

1. Did you think that I was easy when we met?

JD: No.

Lois: Why?

JD: Di naman kasi madali ma develop ang feelings ng taong walang gusto sa’yo.(It isn't easy to develop feelings especially when the person doesn't likes you.)

Lois: (jokingly) Hindi ka naman nahirapan ata? (It seems you didn't had a hard time.)

JD: Hindi naman ikaw, ako. (You are not me)

*Well, JD liked me first and I liked someone else that time he confessed to me. It took me time to have feelings for him. He was still consistent and persistent that time.so yeah. He really had a hard time after all.*

2. What was the lie you told me?

JD: I will not buy a gadget.

Lois: Kasi may plano ka na bumili pagka sweldo. (because you have a plan to buy after salary)

JD: Nakabili na kamo. (I bought it already)

Lois: Ano binili mo?

JD: iPad Mini 4, 128GB

Lois: (kinda furious because I wanted him to save his money plus he has iPhone 7, 128GB already) Wow.

*JD's a sucker for gadgets. He even bought a speaker worth 12k php. I can't do anything because that's he's money, he's free to spend it how he likes. For me, it isn't practical tho. We're total opposite when it comes to money.He's a spender and I'm very thrift, if I could save, I would.*

3. What's a bad habit I have you don't think I have noticed?

JD: none.

4. What was you first impression of me?

JD: Tiger.

Lois: huh?

JD: Tigre.

Lois: Alam ko! Tinagalog mo lang e. Adik.

JD: Sa totoo lang, dati, na discourage na ko sa'yo kasi napaka pisikal mo at di ka marunong mag differentiate ng trabaho at personal things. (To be honest, I was discouraged before because you're too physical and youdon't know how to differentiate work from personal things)

*If I'm too physical that means I'm comfortable with the person. For JD I was able to lessen it, after we got together. It wasn't easy of course. I'm used to it, there are times when I get carried away, I do pinch or slap his back. He actually told me to avoid it and I did and I'm ok with it. It made me better, I think. I had issue with personal things and work. I had a hard time doing so, that even in work I don't interact with him after we had a fight. For me, I just can't. But I'm working on that.*

#BB QandA part 1 #relationship

[ampulesandvials]

Beau,

Happy Anniversary, I swear I was trying to write something for you since last night kaso di na ‘ko nakagawa.*peace out* I know I am not the perfect girlfriend, bata pa ko and you are my first ever serious relationship. Thank you for everything. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for breaking down my walls, when I thought no one else could. Thank you for being persistent when I was pushing you away. Thank you for being so patient even if the slightest tone of my voice annoys you. Thank you for letting me have someone whom I can call mine. All my life I thought, no one can break my walls. I never thought someone will be persistent enough to have me. Alam ko kasi sa sarili ko na hindi ako likeable person. I’m too loud. Panget ako kumilos. Di ako maganda. Pero may utak naman ako. I grew up with all those insecurities and only few people loved me for that. Then may isang pa bibong tao na nangulit lang, pinaramdam na importante ako. Honestly, I was reluctant to let you in my life. Hindi ako sanay na may nagkakagusto sa akin. It’s always the other way around. I decided to keep you, even if it’s a long shot, kasi we’re not friends for a long time. I just knew you, for a few months. Pero you made me feel extra special, which I never had a chance to feel before. Parang eto na, ako naman. I may sound kinda selfish pero, ikaw yung chance na yun and I keep you and will keep you. Mahal na mahal kita. I pray na di tayo mapagod ipakitang mahal natin ang isa’t isa kahit pa may samaan ng loob. 

I promise to keep you for as long as I can. I promise to love you even more. I promise that you will always have my heart. I do promise myself to you, as you have promised yourself to me. I always pray that you’re the one. I cannot see myself going through again the whole process. I pray and promise to have the patience to wait for our perfect time. I love you, so, so , so much. 

Thank you, Lord for blessing us this relationship.

Happy Anniversary! I love you hurot.

-boss 

#firstanniversarynibeauatboss #openletter

[ampulesandvials]

Who would have thought we'll be like this a year after we met. 😍😍😘😘

#beau #firstlove #firstandlastboyfriend

[ampulesandvials]

Sleepers

JD: *on his way to Cebu* boss, daan tayo SM mamaya pagdating ko. Bili akong sleepers.

Lois: sleepers?

JD: oo. Ayoko maglakad tayo ng naka sapatos mamaya eh.

Lois: uhh, beau...baka slippers.

JD: hala ka. Ang bobo ko.

Lois: Hahaha! Sleepers.

JD: 😡 pag ako makaganti sayo, iiyak ka.

Lois: 😜

[ampulesandvials]

Wasted.

This might be the first and last time that I'll do this. Ughh. Maximum tolerance, now I know. First time that I felt and acted like this, okay lang pala sa una pero di maganda sa pakiramdam. But then, I realized that I finally know kung paano ako kumilos when I'm in this state. I can say that this is so not me. Four words. Di na ako uulit.

[ampulesandvials]

Unsure. That was the closest thing to what I was feeling today. Friday, rest day and I'm stuck in bed. My anxiety kicked once again and things were just..running in my head again. I thought of my career if I made the right decision. I hope I did, but if no, might this serve a lesson for me. Anyhow, I still believe, I wouldn't be here if I'm not supposed to be here. There's a purpose for sure (that, I'm not unsure though). I may lose some friends, I might not see them again when they go exit but that's just how it is. But still, it breaks my heart sometimes. I'm already used to working with them, but all of us should embrace change. I know I should. I thought of you. I suddenly felt, I was unsure of you. Why? Distance? Presence? Communication? Idk. I just felt unsure of you. You're far that's a fact and were friends, good friends, I must say. Your presence, almost. Thank you distance and work. Communication, I watched this video a few days back and I heard the girl there saying what I thought so about relationship. I was overthinking already, thinking of it as you but yeah, I can't think of nobody else. I find it terrifying. That I get to share myself with someone. It scares me, really. Also, like what she said in the video, I also respect other's personal space and I remember you saying that I was too busy because I don't post that much. And implying that I'm not talking to you recently. Truth is, I wasn't busy, everything at work is fine (fingers crossed) except for some things that raises my blood pressure and stresses me out. I'd like to send you a message (if I can, everyday, maybe I would.) just talk about anything because I find it comfortable talking to you. But, I had to stop myself. I don't want you to feel that I'm annoying or invading your personal space. I don't want that because I want my personal space as well. As much as I want to keep it, I want to share it too. You see how cray cray I am? Haha. Anyway, if I could just tell you why I'm stopping myself, maybe you'd understand. But I appreciate everything, taking time to talk to me even if it's nonsense. Sending me message that I remind you of something you saw. Cliche as it seems, it makes my heart jump. It makes me smile too. It makes people at work curious at times. Haha. My mood shifts drastically after your message. I wish I could introduce you to them but I'm saving that moment, if we will have that moment. Sorry if I'm coming pessimistic here but, I'm considering also the reality that maybe it won't come. That we'll remain just friends. But so far, by God's grace it's not jinxed (wag po talaga, Lord. Please? 😊) I know I shouldn't be asking for assurance because, who am I to ask for it. I am a friend, were good friends. We don't even know what is this, but I'm feeling unsure and maybe that's all I need to not think of it. I remember when I said, I would enjoy this, this time because I was a whole lot crazy before. I was enjoying it, but i need a little push now. Be my little push, dear.

#heartoutmoment

[ampulesandvials]

Care plan.

This morning, my flat mate asked me, "Sino sa tingin mo ang mananalong presidente ng Pilipinas?" (Who do you think will win as President of Philippines?) I hesitated to answer. I had another bet in mind, the one I would vote for if I could, but to answer her question, I said it would be "Mar Roxas". Given her question was "who I would think" rather than "who I would like" there comes the difference. In all honesty, I never liked Mar Roxas. Even if he didn't gave up running for president last time just to give way for Noynoy, I wouldn't even vote for him. I voted for Gibo Teodoro last elections, by the way. Going back, I never really liked him. Yes, he has this plans laid out for the country, that's good. Feasible plans, that's great, but he resorted out to shaming his opponents, throwing cheap shots against them to make himself good, rather focusing on what he can do or is it really just what he can do? I'm no political major, but too much politics for Mr. Roxas. I can see your desperation to win this one, which isn't bad because this is your dream and maybe as you said, you want the Filipinos to live the life you have. We can all dream, Mr. Roxas, we can. Maybe your desperation is your drive to win, who knows? I think he would win partly because of his plans for the Philippines. Though, Filipinos are already immune to those promises. I hope we are! We had too much of that before. I believe Filipinos are wiser now. Thanks to social media, people have been more aware than before. So, I believe we'll be better in choosing the one. Still, I think he could win because he'll be able to pull out something during this campaign/election season. I don't know what would that be but other than cheap shots against other candidates, I believe he's still has something on his pocket. Fate? I don't know. I hope nothing but he seems to be already destined to win this one. Though, I fully believe there are other candidates far more qualified and better than him. Hi, MDS and Duterte. Don't mind the one from Makati. Please! Every candidate has their plans laid out. We get it, as voters we dream with you. Plans are good but its implementation is BEST. As a nurse I have care plans for my patients, my plan would be evaluated for it's implementation and outcome. My care plan may look great in the eye but if I failed its implementation, definitely it is not a good care plan. Patient can get worse. Philippines is like a patient with different problems that each problem should have an effective care plan to be better. So how can you implement those plans? That's the question that must be answered. For everyone, take this election as our last shot for a better Philippines. I think the problem is our mindset, that if a certain President fails us, we could just oust, impeach or vote for another one in the next election. It's about time. If six years ago wasn't the time, then really this election is the time. Be wiser. No more corrupt officials. Clean slate for the Philippines this time. Let's choose someone who has the drive to change EVERYTHING rather than those who will probably keep us on the same path.

#PiliPinasDebates2016 #Philippines #VotePH2016 #philippineelections

[ampulesandvials]

We’ve been planning hikes since September when I had my EL, actually. All his idea. Di ko alam kung saang bundok or any activities in between kasi he also needs to adjust due to work. Ako naman, walang kaso sa akin kung kelan basta within the period na andun ako. But since I broke the news to him today na baka operahan ako this month, I told him to have plan B kasi sayang naman yung pinlano niya kung di rin lang niya itutuloy. Miss ko na mag hike but due to health reasons, may limitations na ko for sure. I pray minimal limitations lang so I could still go for a hike. According to him, there’s no plan B, plan A lang daw. *faints* Faint secondary to kilig. Haha! 😍

Lord, please?

[ampulesandvials]

Cholelithiases

Yup, I have them. If it wasn't because of my fast eating yesterday before work, I wouldn't know. Yesterday, I was in pain. I had this kind of pain before and thought, maybe it's just the same thing I'm having monthly for the past few months. Last month I had the same pain one day and after a few tests, they said, maybe UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and it was UTI. So, I took antibiotics for a week, self medicated with Buscopan and I was fine the next day. Until yesterday, right after breakfast when our service came so early, I had to swallow my breakfast immediately, ran to the bus and left for work. At work, pain is bearable but I'm already leaning forward which caused me back pain. It was the same character of pain, colicky. So, I borrowed Buscopan again in DR and my workmate injected me direct IV. There was no relief after. Pain persisted till afternoon but less than it was in the morning. I also took Disflatyl for distention so I can just pass the gas, coz maybe it's just a gas. Still no relief, I was forced to go to ER. Again, same tests, CBC and Urine analysis. I'm already suspected for query appendicitis and up for admission for observation already if I wasn't asked to do pelvi-abdominal ultrasound first. Ultrasound revealed something else. I don't have inflammed appendix (Thank God!) My PCO well, they're still there, not moving and improving tho. Remarks were cholelithises or gallstones. They asked me if I have epigastric and back pain, I said no. And my appetite is quite good but for the past few months. I had shoulder pain and I thought maybe it's just because of my posture and the way I sleep, but I had an idea that it maybe related to gall bladder. Anyhow, I was advised to remove the gall bladder because stones may slide out to the duct and may cause more trouble. I was also advised to cut down my fat intake. Which primarily made me cry the most because, damn, who doesn't love to eat! I don't eat much fat but, it's what makes the food good! I'm thinking of the isaw, lechon, etc. I can still eat meat and poultry tho, I have to remove the yolk for the egg, the skin for the chicken and that little fat on pork (no pork here, tho.), and it makes me cry that I may not be able to eat what I want. I'm anxious and nervous too. It makes me cry of course. I'm searching other ways to melt the stones but I don't know. They're advising me to do it as soon as possible because they're small and may slide down the duct and may obstruct it. But so far, I'm asymptomatic and not in pain. That's why I'm also thinking to delay the surgery till my vacation. But I'm also thinking about the recovery period. I'm lifting everything to God now, as like my sister said, I'm already healed.

[ampulesandvials]

Minsan talaga ang saya saya ko sa mga picture! 🙈🙈😅😅 Sila ready, ako hindi! 😂😂 #minsanmaystolenshot #candid #Christmas2015

#candid #minsanmaystolenshot #christmas2015

[ampulesandvials]

Kung si Yaya Dub may Lola Nidora, ako, may Lola Nora! Oha! *fantastic baby* By far, the sweetest gift I received this holidays. Thank you, Lola for this letter. Alam mo namang iyakin na ako noon pa! Ikaw talaga, nagpalaki ka kasi ng iyakin e, pinaiyak mo ako ulit. 😊 Salamat po sa prayers niyo for me, alam ko po malayo ako ngayon but by this letter, you made everything feel like home. Ang lakas niyo po talaga kay Lord! I miss you, Lola! I'll always be your favorite baby apo, kahit may mga mas baby na po sa akin. I love you, Lola! You're not just a nobody to me/ us, you'll always be a part of who I am and where I am today! Proud lola's girl! 😊😊 May God bless you and your health more than ever! Salamat po, Lord! Hugs and kisses from Saudi! 🤗🤗😘😘 PS: Thank you Tita for sending me this letter! 😘 "Be good and humble, that's how to be successful."-Lola Nora #family #love #Christmas2015 #letterbylolanora

#love #christmas2015 #family #letterbylolanora

[ampulesandvials]

Matapos ang madamdaming shift, ang saya lang na makitang nakatayo na ang pabebe naming DIY Christmas tree! 😂😂 Madadaan naman pala sa garland kahit di na pinturahan😊 Good job,104! 👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻 #Christmas2015 #DIYChristmasTree #ChristmasAwayFromHome

#diychristmastree #christmas2015 #christmasawayfromhome

[ampulesandvials]

Work nowadays be like....checking all these files then checking it all over again. Haha! More papers, more chances of winning! #papelpamore #paperworks

#papelpamore #paperworks