an-upside-down-teen-girl

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

“sadness know’s my address but joy is a passing stranger” I suppose that’s right on the money for how it feels sometimes for me also. 

Sadness knows my address

but joy is a passing stranger,

I can only say this in poems,

Anywhere else people will worry.

I have whispered more wounds

into the wind than I care to count.

On painful days, these wounds won’t let go.

The worst story I know is my heart.

The best story I know is my heart.

Both these things know how to exist together

in ways that I never thought I would learn.

This is a silent victory.

I never wanted a victory dipped in gold.

All I want is one day to write a poem

that is more than a litany of excuses

to survive another day.

One day I want to write a poem

that says, “I am alive.

I forgive myself.

And I love myself despite it all.”

- Nikita Gill, A Sad Girl’s Love Song

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

it’s been a while

no one looks at these post but future me in order to cope. in hopes that I'll find some sort of consolation in knowing that if I’m fucked up, I'll at least never be as fucked up as I was in this point in time. I started this blog in order to say the things I wished the people in my life would hear, but I instead keep inside. I started the blog because I couldn’t be brave in real life, but over the internet I could be anyone I wanted and if I wanted to be a loud mouthed teenage girl who complained about her depression and sudden suicidal thoughts, I could be her without the criticism and backlash I would face in real life. 

Truth is, since my last post, I think I’ve only gotten worst. I mean I cry less, but those tears were replaced with scars. Reminiscent reminders of pain and agony so great I felt as though it could only be expressed through a blade on my skin. And the panic attacks come freely, I have to remind myself that breathing is essential and that I shouldn’t think about it too much because if I did, I would forget how to and suddenly I would be suffocating. And I have these moments, that come so often a month, I bane them more than my period, of insanity. Where my mind twist itself until I’m yelling and flinging myself back and forth in order to quiet the riot inside of my mind. 

One night, I woke up to my heart racing. Hours before I had downed more pills than probably good for me. But the world is always so loud. Sometimes I am hopeless for peace. 

It truly does suck living a life you wish you didn't. And I read this poem not to long ago. And it was talking about how their soul is numb and how they are desperate to feel and one of the lines were “In times of distress and sadness, mornings are no longer forgivable, and waking up isn’t ideal” And of course that speaks to me, but I have to wake up anyway, so I should end this soon. 

~peanut~

#its 11:11 #hey #living #living sucks #peanuts back #pain #agony #insanity #tw: depression #tw: self harm #tw: panic attacks

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

edges and tears and fuck up happy new years

Imma be honest, I’ve been a little fucked up lately. Exhaustion. Stress. Tears. 

Its a wonder I haven’t completely lost it. But the best thing about falling off the edge, is I get great writing material out of it! Introducing my two new pieces.

I guess I’m a train wreck

because when they least expect it

I’m fucked up. 

and  

I’ve been breaking down as of lately

and I don't truly feel alive anymore.

It feels like I’m hanging off the deep end.

And I’m so near, almost falling. 

My head is in a constant rush.

And its terrible holding back those tears. 

Because I miss the old me,

but she's dead.

And pain is a motherfucker. 

But enough about how my life seems like it’s going to shit, I should tell you about my recent endeavors. 

Two years ago, I was joking around and the girl didn’t take it as the well intended joke it was and punched me. It wasn’t hard but it was impactful. And as silly as it seemed, yea I held a grudge. And I maybe singled her out a lot. 

In my life, I’m a very welcoming person. I try to make everyone feel as though they belong and I try to make them feel comfortable around me, but with her. I blatantly gave up on that friendship and occasionally gave her a cold shoulder. 

It was only until now, when she’s pouring her heart out that I see her and I are more alike than I would realize. And I think if I actually put work into the friendship...we could be really great friends. 

 Her struggles mirror my own. Her need to not be lonely, mirrors mine. 

Just...what I’m trying to say is, people grow and change and aren’t always what they seem. If you give them the time of day, they might surprise you. 

And if they run you over...have the balls to get the fuck up, put ur middle finger up and say “fuck them” 

It’s 2021, bitch. Traitors and hoes, aren’t going to be YOUR problem. 

Anyway, this long ass post has been a complete train wreck, but I hope you found some connection in between the lines. 

#edge #tears #happy new 2021 #traitors #hoes #train wreck #post #poetry #Exhaustion #free therapy

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

the profound ideal of sex?love

I wonder how people in love feel or if love is even real. or are we all just making up a word for the deepest attraction for someone we like being around. because my generation has somehow conformed the idea of love into this profound yet irritable thing of just sex. and if that’s all love is or will ever be...is there hope for the few of us looking for that soulmate?

#love sex blog lonely peanut has spoken the.profound.ideal.of.sex?love what is real

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

153<168<171

I am trying to remember a time 

when food and fear were not bedfellows 

but since that summer my thighs became thunderous and my life

was place on that insufferable scale

to measure my worth against my weight

I have not even able to get rid of the taste. 

(go follow @kiss.of.the.seventh.star on instagram) 

A couple weeks ago, I stood on a scale. One of the most vile and terrible things a woman could ever do. And it put numbers on my confidence. 168. That’s the truth. 

You see when I was younger, I had heard that some women lied about there weight. And I asked myself: ‘why would anyone lie about their weight?’ 

I wish i could go back to that child. blind to the shit fest that life is. 

That’s probably idiotic of me. To wish for childish happiness and joy, but it’s my one wish. To just feel that bliss, even if it’s just for one second. 

Anyways, I took a brave step today and placed my feet back on it. The digits tightened my chest, strained my breathing, nearly knocked the life from me. 

171. 

These numbers now glued in my brain. Fiddling with my wires. Controlling me. Something about those number suddenly made me hate myself. Crazy, right? The power of three digits, three innocent digits could have over the human mind. I just wanted in those next couple of moments to rewind time, to go back to the one minute, the one second before the numbers settled into place and push myself off. 

But that’s unrealistic and this is what I am living with. And the internet says i’m very obese for someone of my stature which just makes these thoughts all the more better. 

i want to be one of those people, who scream ‘weight doesn’t matter’, and it doesn’t; not in any case. i only want to find the goodness in those with a brilliant personality, but i can’t say one thing but look in the mirror and jerk my head await at my digusting body. 

and you want to know the funniest part?

right now I just want to eat away the sadness and heart ache. 

i hate this. i hate how my mother sees me. i want to avoid the doctors office. i don’t want anyone to ever see me again. 

When i get hungry, i want to sit in a dark closet alone. when i smell food, i want to be unconscious. i don’t want to be 171. 

Maybe if i rewind time just enough, i can it back before quarantine. when i was 153. 

idk what this was. honestly i just feel numb to it. seeing those numbers has petrified something in me. 

#171 #fat #at least im getting what this is #no longer was I the same peanut as before #petrified #idk

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

12:12 a.m.

Lowkey kinda sad right now and idk why.

I had a really rough year last year and so every time I even get close to depression I'm always so afraid that I'll turn back into that person again.

she was angry with the world. And she put that anger not just in herself but on others. It was a really scary time and I remember being miserable and wanting to die but not having the balls to just take the pills.

i remember describing it as if I was drowning but my lungs never giving up. So the suffering was there...but the defeat never came.

does anyone else get like suicide or depression ptsd? is that even a fucking thing? Like anything could trigger u. And idk ur suddenly just not feeling well. Hard to explain but if u resemble something like that I feel for u.

I rlly want to be happy one day. And loved. Like real romantic love. Bc I'm selfish. I want someone for one day to hold up my world for me and I know I'm weak for saying that but it just gets so tough and then I feel really guilty Bc some people have it much worse than me.

and that's when the loneiness kicks in.

in honesty, I do the work and I take every step towards self love and my own happiness, but it's not that easy Bc inside my demons, mostly my past demons are really fighting me.

#still don’t know if I’m doing this right #little sad #where’s happiness? #the thoughts before I sleep

[an-upside-down-teen-girl]

Sup? :/

trying to set this up was hard as hell...(i am not fluent in technology unlike most of my generation so) so uhm, i tried making a good introduction or whatever, but it’s 2:11 A.M. and i’m probably doing this because i’m dumb and an emotional wreck. I’m also a writer and part-time poet but most of that happens when i get really angry, anxious, or am in anguish (my three fav ‘a’ words). 

yo, if any of you have any tips on how to actually use this site do not hesistate to...message me, innit? idk. bc i’m lost. ahaha. anyway, call me Peanut since im not really into giving you my actual name. 

#confused #saveme #what #am I even doing this right