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anathemanonymous · 3 years

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Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

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anathemanonymous · 3 years

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A black hole in the center of each galaxy holds it all together by gravity. If you get too close to the edge of this mysteriously dark force, you god damn bet you will be destroyed. Its pull is inescapable.

This is what it feels like for a codependent empath to be in a relationship with an oblivious narcissist.

After 16 years I was on the brink of self destruction.

He doesn't want me to leave. Nor is he willing or able to treat me right. He will hold me here. Suspended.

My gut and my heart are left with no choice. Resort to survival mode. Years of enduring, in fight or flight mode - forced to find escape or perish.

Well, I fawned, of course, while constantly running in place, for years. I exhausted myself, trying to stay in a toxic situation. Covering up. Miserable. Cut off.

I suppose it has made me proficient at every method of self preservation.

I capably fixed, resentfully mended, disappointedly looked the other way, sucessfully minimized, shut my heart off, closed down my instincts, ignored red flags, rosily smiled as if this lack of support and constant criticism was all normal.

I invisibly and wearily attempted to control, endlessly argued and slammed doors, begged and cried and pleaded, sought therapy and struggled to cope, yelled at a wall for hours, handled all the responsibility and carried all the weight. For 16 years.

Nearing the edge of a lifetime achievement of a second or third mental and emotional breakdown, as if the first one taught me nothing.

I wondered if the values I sought were probably just imaginary things like open communication, respect, equal responsibility, growth, acceptance, forgiveness, friendship, love, support.

A voice from within:

This is my one lifetime. Its my life. I have a choice. My feelings are valid. I deserve to be treated with respect. I need to be honest with myself. This is not healthy. I cant fix it. This is not the way I want to feel the rest of my life. I am tired of being ignored, tested and detested. Unseen. Dishonored. Obligated. I dont even believe in marriage! This contempt he is having towards me feels eerily familiar...

I'm choosing a different direction.

Small doses of oxygen:

It felt like drowning while knowing it is possible to walk on water. It felt like being pulled underwater by the person that swam with me into the depths. Then hung on me and quit swimming, until I exhausted and became numb to being pulled under water. We both went down. Because he refused to let go. And I didnt want him to.

I had a sense of profound faith to believe everything in life could be done peacefully. I was ok with creating some distance even while idealizing and avoiding a finality. Doing it with love. Quietly...tip toeing away from my responsibility to him. I thought I could get away, stop sacrificing myself to win him over.

Lets exist in the gray. No black or white clean-cut edges, no permanent severing necessary.

I need to get away from myself. I don't want to face the inevitable challenge of separation. Who will I be? I've only focused on him for so long!

I know the need to be away from him, away from the daily stress.

I cant decide. I cant make a move. I am frozen. It feels familiar.

I want less pain, to do no harm. I need to go.

I avoid the well worn path of court-dictated divorce. Not sure I need one. I avoid the attorney's office, because they are only there-to-take advantage of our adversarial nature. I must never ever involve the courts, they will expose him. They will not dictate my life. I wont drag his name through the mud. I promise.

Just let me get my own place. We can stop fighting all the time. It will help us get along. I just need some distance. To clear my mind.

I have to find a way around being the cause of the kinds of permanent damage that my parents created. Three of their children now mid life, all diagnosed with complex ptsd from seperate doctors. Just beginning to realize the patterns of triggers. The damage to intimacy.

I am certain of my capacity to love deeper, to thereby prove society wrong. Prove that breaking up a shitty marriage does not have to entail creating mass destruction and trauma. I wouldn't expose him. I can create a safeway to prevent a nuclear family from becoming a nuclear bomb. I just need time, to breathe and be alone in a peaceful environment.

Determined to prove that separation can be accomplished win-win: because I am creative at finding fucking solutions. Because by god, I am doing the right thing. I will remain gentle. I will not report the abusive tactics. I will never tell on him or tarnishhis precious reputation.

I access legal separation agreement forms online, and fill them out myself. No lawyers. No drama. I will give him the house. I never asked for child support. In trade for my freedom.

A voice from within:

Go. Let the pieces fall where they may. I am a survivor. I've lost everything before. I've died many times in this one lifetime. I have always been reborn. I will reemerge.

I walked away. I got a shitty little apartment.

It took me several years to finally face the fact that leaving was necessary. It was the last resort as the only way to protect my sanity. I did not confront this entirely directly. I detached emotionally inch by inch. I left the door open...

That was a mistake. My wishy washy avoidance of making decisions inevitably ends with having to finalize a permanent severing of contact.

We have to be enemies openly now. Instead of just behind closed doors.

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anathemanonymous · 3 years

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For those living in an abusive relationship:

DON'T BOTHER WAITING FOR ANYONE TO SAVE YOU

Why are we not allowed to talk openly about taboo situations like abuse? You've done your research. There are many forms and definitions of abuse. You admit to it. You want to expose it.

You post about it and are shamed into deleting it for the sake of his reputation. People you know see it and do6nt know how to respond. You are coming out of a closet of secret abuse. Sometimes you want to go back inside and feel normal even though its uncomfortable for you.

At your weakest, attorneys add insult to injury.

Courts are neutral but documents are forever.

And it's too late after you file your own seperation paperwork without any help, and screw it up while bargaining to leave peacefully. And then, really feel stuck.

Your local women's shelter has some meetings, but the core issues preventing true healing and real change are likely buried deep.

You'll try Al-Anon. Read codependency books. You will invest hours looking at your own childhood trauma. Read some more books. Internet search endlessly. Meme it up. Go to counseling. Talk to a friend. Write it out. Join a thread.

You've been on guard with others your whole life. Feel differently from them. See how they are carefree, married happily, white picket fences.

You always think others are happy to look the other way when you come around.

You know it's on you to change your own stuff. They probably assume you know what your doing. Chuckle.

Your heart is the only willing guide for you. No choice but to listen to it. Yet, you will continually keep it buried, hidden. Like a dark secret from yourself.

Until you are invisible.

Until you are sure nobody else hears it beating.

You are always ashamed. You are accustomed to hiding. Smile. Everything is fine.

The outside world will have you doubt yourself. It will convince you that everything and everyone is against you, and you will be confused to hear how wisely your own heart speaks. Like a child. Very honestly. You ignore it. Feel frustrated.

You will learn that counseling and meds can't help as long as you are unaware of your own triggers and emotional issues...but even after you become aware, nothing is resolved. The triggers keep you from peace.

You will resort to isolation because its comfortable and get lost in work and in research and digging deeper into the past, wondering why and how you ended up here. You will blame the other person, and other people in your life.

And all you will end up with is feeling more pain and shame and guilt. Yet you won't complain. You go about your daily life as if that pain weren't eating you up. You will appear to be getting along.

New friends will help come. They might try to help you talk it out, to redirect you to your true self, and support you. And you will begin in small ways, to believe and try, you will maybe try it out in little episodes of putting yourself out there, in slightly trusting others. But being in the spotlight but is terribly uncomfortable.

These small defiant acts of being yourself begin to grow. But your growth is still mostly stagnant. Why?

It will be a long time until you blossom, even in middle age. Maybe never. It's not someone else you need or want. It's a resolution from the abuser. An end. A reconciliation. A forgiveness?

You wait. You create space. You wait. You try to be understanding. You work, you converse, but no progress. You pay his bills. Answer his calls, only to be shut down. Sometimes you talk, but it always ends in an argument when you begin to talk realistically about the pain, doubt, finances.

The answer to being treated poorly isn't simply leaving, after figuring out how and when to leave, after figuring out why to leave. After recognizing the signs. You're still intertwined.

Solutions can only come when you admit: you have faulty boundaries. You let bad shit happen. But why? How?

You don't really add up the damages or how long you've been trapped in this nightmare spiderweb.

Because I did not honor myself....I did not honor my own boundaries.

...because I chose to believe in redemption, or rather, in fixing someone and something outside of me.

... Because I was given shitty experiences long enough to think its normal not to speak up much less fight against shitty treatment from someone who I wanted love from.

Because it didnt feel like "loving me for who I am" kinda love but who am I to say?

Because I controlled and ignored my own heart.

Because of THEIR unresolved issues. Because he needs me.

Because what IS a healthy relationship? Because codependency is survival for some us.

Because I had faith in the deep humanity we all share being love at the core.

Because I woke up sick for so long I lost track of wellness. Because I walked in worn out shoes to work harder, those same shoes I took off at home, which were thrown at me as insults... until I could catch them.

Because I could throw them back at him.

Until we both equally hurt.

Because of poor parenting. Because I got meaning out of being what I could be to help him more than myself.

Because its not his fault. Because alcohol and drugs and temptations. Because ADHD. Because I love the idea of having a family, and he has a great fucking family.

Because I'm not about control. Or money. Or things.

Because I wanted my daughter to have a Father.

Because I was afraid to admit that it hurt to feel unsafe and unsupported. That I needed more.

Because I doubted what I thought I deserved.

....Until all the excuses fade away....

One day you get confirmation that he is causing this pain to you intentionally...he finally admits it. For better or worse.

And your heart knew it because it felt it all along. Contempt as bitter as ....this strange moment which you waited from the beginning:

Confirmation of your worst fears. No remorse. No justice. You have no choice but to keep up a boundary. And this has taken so many years to learn. You have the right to say no. To stop allowing others to harm you in the name of live or loyalty or whatever. You doubted yourself long enough. This is how it happens.

So that you can finally spread your wings and break free.

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