angelamdinardo

[angelamdinardo]

I Am Plagued

I have an eating disorder

I have a plague

I have an anxiety and a depression of having an eating disorder

Because my number one fear is being unloved, unworthy, and looked down upon

I need food every day and cannot live without it

My fear has made a version of myself who doesn’t have an eating disorder

But that is not me

I wear a mask everyday but it feels safest

I don’t fear what I am

What I was

Or what I’ll become

If I’m not me

But the longer I am not me

The more I lose myself

And become something I’m not

I’m not better off

But the alternative would drive me to nonexistentence

They do not exist therefore I do not and should not

I fear that happening

Have I found myself when I have found myself lost wandering around?

The inside of me burns

My body aches

My eyes hurt

Constantly tired

Thirsty

Deprived

I am plagued

[angelamdinardo]

Lately Me and Food :/

I’ve started birth control and I’ve begun to wonder if it’s why I gained a couple pounds, though I know the truth is probably that it’s just easier to give in now. Is that a good or bad thing? Probably both. But now I have to reinvent myself again, the way I look at food and treat it. Give me some support god of the surplus. God of the plant. God of the nutrients.

[angelamdinardo]

What is Food?

Food is good.

Food is tasty.

Food is energy.

Food is fulfilling.

Food is dopamine.

Food is nutrients.

Food is toxins.

Food is dangerous.

Food is necessary.

Food is life-threatening.

Food is nature.

Food is machine.

Food is buisness.

Food is money.

[angelamdinardo]

Ask Yourself This Today...

What are my responsibilities right now? What did they used to be? What do I want them to be? What do I know they will be? 

(I’ll now refer to a great method Alyson Stoner proposed)  Do these responsibilities contribute to my wholeness? If yes, find a way to keep it. If no, find a way to remove it. If yes but also no, or no but also yes, find a way to transform it. 

Good luck you guys.

#wholeness #responsibities #alyson stoner #ask yourself this

[angelamdinardo]

I Have A Question About Responsibility

Do we choose our responsibilities?  Are any of our responsibilities truly OURS? What does it mean to be responsible for something, or someone? Does everyone avoid responsibilities because they see them as a burden? What if they are a gift? What are you supposed to be responsible for otherwise? Do your responsibilities give you purpose? Does fulfilling a responsibility make one feel more fulfilled inwardly? 

Perhaps people feel as though they need a gain from a sacrifice, a loss, so that it is not a loss at all. They want something back in return for fulfilling the responsibility. Okay now what if nothing satisfies that person? What if they had unrealistic expectations for what they would receive in return? They do in a way gain something back from fulfilling the responsibility, however it is not enough for the said person which leads them to frustration, anger and sadness- that is if they even admit it. So investing in something or someone, having a child, getting a pet, buying a new car, a new house, getting a job, taking a class- anything that would leave you with a sense of “I HAVE TO DO THIS” responsibility- what if you never felt that before?

What if you never realized you had a problem with having a responsibility because nothing was ever serious enough for you to focus on it, notice it or care about it at all? Now what do you do when you start caring? You can’t just stop the world and say HEY! I NEED A SECOND TO FIGURE THIS OUT! You have a job to do, you have a deadline, you have a schedule, you have people expecting you to be there for them at the time they told you to be ahead of time. 

Blank. Bam. Gone. Ran away from the responsibility all together, but now you face the consequence of life without it. Now you have to figure out what your real responsibility is everyday in your spirit. You keep spending days and days wondering what it is, just barley surviving, until you understand you were doing it and you still are. Because the only responsibility you have, is to keep doing what you can for yourself. That includes being kind and helping others when you can, taking care of yourself best you can, doing the things you know will help you in a significant way and making the most of it meantime- while also making time to do the things that will continue to keep you alive and thriving.

Always remember that being kind to others is being kind to yourself. 

#responsibility #responsibilities #inquiry #question #thoughts #afternoon thoughts #jobs #school #helping others #helping yourself #self care #being kind to others is self care

[angelamdinardo]

Not Hungry For Food

I’m not hungry for food, I’m hungry for love. I had a breakdown last night because of food- basically. I ate a bit too much tonight, and I have a stomach ache as the consequence, but I felt good about it mentally and emotionally. It’s probably because I felt good feeling like I was giving myself love, but I think what will help is focusing on the real-world PRESENT things/situations where love is needed and presented. Learning to accept actual love, and give it. Not eat it, or deprive myself of it. Thank you.

[angelamdinardo]

Lord Help

Hey guys, it’s been a fat second since I’ve been here. A lot has happened, a lot has changed. I made the decision to move out, I am getting married and I am gonna get some new jobs. I have been under a lot of pressure and stress yes, but this is no excuse for my eating habits. I feel awfully sick and I can’t stop. For some reason, whenever this happens, I always find myself going down this endless dark loop of eating and ignoring and coping and feeling guilty and shoving and forcing and hating myself over and over. Staring at myself, feeling myself, feeling ill, feeling gross, feeling sick like I should stop everything and be sick and stupid. Maybe I use food and food illness to make myself ignore what is going on in my real life. No, I’m sure actually that’s exactly it. I want to pretend like another certain problem does not exist, and I want to blame my pain on something easy like food. Food can easily make you sick, I can easily eat too much or too little, the wrong things, and it can make me feel little better and be comforting like I am not really doing a bad thing. This is why I have grown to hate this thing, food. It feels manipulative, but food was just the tool, the thing I used against myself along the way. Food is supposed to be good for you and make your body feel good, but it also has to make your heart, soul and mind feel good. I used food to not only hurt my body, but my heart, my soul and slowly my mind. As I am typing this, I can feel myself shaving off and eating away all the food I would have later tonight (for the 3rd time) or early tomorrow. I hate the idea that I have to drop everything to write my thoughts and feelings out though instead of eating or beating myself up. I feel really hurt. Really sad. Really alone. But I know things are going to get better, and I know I am going to get better at taking care of myself. I really do believe that moving out will be a big help in the whole process too. I pray for the best, until next time guys, please wish me luck.

[angelamdinardo]

Ouch!

My stomach has been hurting these past few days. Not enjoying it at all, and I think it has to do with what I eat, the amount of, and when. I believe I have to let my stomach flush out more. I don’t have to rely on feeling overstuffed all of the time to feel fulfilled in my life with other things. That’s silly. I feel like I have a lot of other focuses in life right now to have a problem with food, isn’t that silly too? I am paying attention though. I am getting tired so this is all I am going to say for tonight. I am going to try not to ignore my stomach completely tomorrow. 

#figuring it out

[angelamdinardo]

I’m Starvin vin vin

It’s precisely 9:08 pm and I want fewd. I was talkin with my friendo here, Matthia, and earlier ended up having a smol but good cry about stuff I realized affected my eating habits/relationship with food as a child. It helped to talk about it, and I felt a bit of a weight lifting off my chest. As heavy (overweight) as I feel most of the time, after that, I felt a lot lighter. It didn’t hit me until then that what made me feel sluggish the most wasn't the food I ate or didn’t ate, it was that feeling I was carrying on my chest, heart, and soul. I felt very light when I felt like I was taking care of myself and eating “well” days in a row, even if I hadn’t really been eating that “well”. (By that I mean eating enough, or eating the right nutrients.) It’s as if I feel like I’ve lost weight, eaten healthier, gotten better, when I believe in myself and love myself more as a human being. Call it, “recognition of self”, which includes what has led me to this point in my life. When I was younger I wanted to pretend emotional eating was normal. It was a problem solver. Only eating what was available and convenient was ALSO normal and a problem solver. Not being  too thin or too overweight WAS a problem, but I ended up just covering my fluctuating weight. I usually felt that I was overweight, not only from my visits to the doctor and her showing me the graphs of me gaining and losing and gaining more- but just how I lived my life everyday. There is a lot I know I have avoided acknowledging and overcoming and I can barley admit I still have an eating problem today. I so badly want to pretend I never had one, because I just know it is not who I am. But maybe that has been the problem. I keep telling myself that it’s not who I am, but if I did accept myself, and accept that it was still a part of who I am, perhaps I could learn to love that part of myself and finally let it go. It’s not that I don’t exactly accept it, but I do wish it gone. Too much. Every day. Accepting it ISN’T the same as “giving in” to it’s control, but instead listening to it, and learning from it. I know this, yet it still scares me. It doesn’t stop the stomach aches, or the pain from knowing it was wrong so why did I listen to it anyways? Who can say any of it is truthfully wrong when it may be more wrong to hurt my soul more than my body. My body can and will be easily healed because it is something you can feel and see pretty straightforwardly. Humans are good at that, and I don’t have a problem staying true and motivated to trying new routines, foods, diets, exercise etc. But the reason I cannot find anything that works or sticks with my lifestyle is because I have not let my soul heal at all. Maybe a little when I at least admitted it wasn’t healthy to keep “giving in” and pretending it’s okay, but that doesn’t mean simply stopping and trying to change the definition of “giving in” and pretending THAT’s okay, it means I have to actually be patient and take the time to let my soul grow and move on peacefully as it should. All of those tempting ads about pills and fast diets and exercise plans that would get you to your goals in 4-6 weeks is what I wished I could do. I was scared of how badly I wanted to just force myself into those weeks, “starve” myself even for weeks, you know let my soul suffer for just a little while as long as it meant I could change on the outside somehow. I knew deep down my soul would be suffering either way, but at least this way I could stop being overweight. I would be going through the same journey, only now it could be a secret. No one could tell I had an eating, energy or lifestyle problem. I could act like everything is fine and no one would question me. I could eat new healthy foods and do new routines and exercises, and no one would question me. I would look like a normal healthy person doing normal healthy person things. But if I did those things now, the way I am now, I see myself as someone who will never get there no matter how hard they try. I don’t quite understand it fully, but maybe that’s part of the problem, and why it DOES feel like I am stuck sometimes. I don’t believe I am, the fact I can admit all of this now says something, but I still get that feeling. So perhaps, just perhaps, if I let my soul understand what it means to have a relationship with food, to be happy and healthy, full energy and light on their feet, even if that means eating “unhealthy” foods in “unhealthy” amounts at “unhealthy” times- I can learn what it means to be myself.

#fewd

[angelamdinardo]

Life Happenin’, Halloween Comin’

I’ve had an interesting day so far. I won’t bore you with details, but everything that has happened to me has been interesting to me. I am still learning how to self care. It is a lot harder than you think. I have to get employed soon so that I can purchase products and goods that help me support myself, but I can’t get a job that isn’t attributing to my self care either you know? I hope I get one soon, and that I like it, and that it supports a part of my “self care.” I am not gonna stress too much about the job thing though, I am excited because I have new projects and goals I am working on. I ordered my first video camera, I am applying to go to a close, local and affordable college this spring, and I am learning about my creative process and being patient. I am designing t shirts and concept arts, and hopefully can create a webtoon with this idea relating to Halloween that I have. I love Halloween as much as I love Autumn and the month of October. The smells, the tastes, the feels, the fun- it feels like a beginning as well as an everlasting dream. I know people feel that way about summer, but for me the fall is the time to get outside, get creative and follow your dreams. Halloween is special to me because it’s always been something magical and special. Dressing up as a character, seeing others dressed up, going into the night to explore and get free candy, seeing all the decorations people put up and all the environments they create for the trick-or-treaters. It never gets old. And the Halloween movies are always the best. I hope I can capture the magic of Halloween and this special time of year this fall.

#halloween #magic #autumn #hype #school #college #projects #video camera #hypee #self care

[angelamdinardo]

Making Time

I can feel the urge to delete this blog already. I don’t know what I need or don’t need, how could I know? My diet and sleep schedule unfortunately hasn’t been at 100% YET because now I’m focusing a lot on my creativity. WHICH I THINK IS GOOD.... I am worried about job stuff though, I’ll need to make money soon. I’m tired for now though, I’m gonna try to KICK it tomorrow. I really am. I’m gonna slay the day with creativity and self care. Goodnight

#self care #slay #goodnight

[angelamdinardo]

Picking Myself Back Up

Okay so I woke up today feeling miserable and didn’t get out of bed for hours until I eventually gave in and took a 30 minute nap that led me straight into a dream. Then I sat my alarm for another 30 minutes and my phone died so I slept another 1-2 hours. My stomach felt off when I woke up and I THOUGHT I’d do O.K. calorie-wise today, but I went with my sister to a cake/coffee shop and ended up eating chocolate banana bread that she got. Had no ideas how many calories, and I feel discouraged from it. I kind of rely on calorie counting to know when I should eat or not sometimes. I’m gonna truly make it my goal to avoid those things, and if I eat out to plan ahead for it! I’m drowsy today, but maybe I’ll go for a bike ride. I have some creative work to do, and some plans coming up. I’ll take it one day at a time!

#take it one day at a time

[angelamdinardo]

College and Careers

Choosing a college and a program and a job can all be very big very hard decisions. It’s silly because you’d think you should just pick the stuff that makes you the happiest, but what if that doesn’t guarantee it will always make you happy? What if it means putting yourself in a humongous debt? It’s a scary thing, and I’m currently facing this dilemma again. I over ate today, not too much, but I didn’t do the calorie thing. And you know, I realized that when I started stressing and getting very future oriented, I often start to eat more. However then the opposite, if I am taking it one day at a time, I can focus on slowly getting better. Maybe I should focus on what I CAN do at home and keep seeing how I feel about it instead of just guessing right? I’ll apply to the stuff and do the requirements, but I’m still figuring it out. I can still figure it out.   

#figuring it out #pressure #college #work #career #hard shit #gonna make it though

[angelamdinardo]

It’s a Good Morning

Good morning everyone, today is something new. Yesterday and the day before were doozy’s to my sleep schedule and even eating schedule the one day. The culprit was wanting to be in bed snoogling with Mattata all day. I know, I know, you don’t even have to tell me what you’re thinking. But today is different. I showered and I am up and adam, AND he is here too, sleeping still lol. Relationships are so beautiful in my opinion, and so yesterday we talked about this stuff and decided today would be different. I can’t put on a movie or something since he’s sleeping, I CAN make breakfast, I can also run errands if I needed to- just not sure what to do. This is actually a problem I’ve always had, not knowing what to do with my day if I wake up this early. Hopefully I’ll figure it out soon. :)

#wakin up #sleep sched #morning routine #relationships are awesome #love love

[angelamdinardo]

Hey Tumblr

Hey guys, I’ve spent the last few days with my b Matthew, that’s why I haven’t been posting about me. We’ve been doing our thing, but I wanted to talk about how grateful and happy I am to get the chance to help and watch him grow, as well as him helping me. We’re gonna watch a couple episodes of Legacies now lmao, yesterday night I DID go over my calorie limit, but it’s only because we ended up going to a restaurant. I got a small vegan pizza, it was super good, and some fries and I also had one Justine’s dark chocolate organic peanut butter cup. Not so bad, I did have a stomach ache for a bit, but I felt better today. I’m back on the calorie counting. I’m doing pretty well. I’m happy with myself. Oh yeah, my hair isn’t blonde since I lightened it, but it is slightly lighter lmao. When I get a job again I may just have a salon do it for me.

#we doin it #rock and roll #love all #thankful

[angelamdinardo]

Afternoon!

Hey everybody! So yesterday was a lot of fun, I was able to get 98% of my room cleaned and my boyfriend and I went to see Promare. Absolutely loved it! Went to bed around 10:30-11:00, ended up waking earlier than 8 but couldn’t fall back asleep. We had a yummy healthy breakfast, played Mario cart, however I started getting really drowsy and we ended up going back to bed and sleeping till 12 ish. I don’t think it’s a big deal though, it’s only so often I get to cuddle with my b all day ❤️ I think for the rest of the day we are gonna find something to do together, but we’ll figure it out either way. Until next time 🤘

[angelamdinardo]

What Is It With Dreams?

Good morning guys. Got up at 8 today without needing an alarm woot woot, but I did wake up a couple times in the night unfortunately, and I had some strange dreams. What is it with dreams that make you care about their meaning and analyze them as if it’s your real life. They feel like memories, they technically are, but why should we care? Are they meant to guide us? Are they warnings? Do they tell of the future, past or present? Could be all of the above, but some dreams make me really uncomfortable and then I can’t help but be uncomfortable the next day. Perhaps I am to learn how to not be uncomfortable with my subconscious and instead learn to love it for the interesting, crazy thing it is. Welp, I’m off to start the day. I am going to wash my face and brush my teeth, then hopefully get some food and get to work. Who knows, maybe I will be up for a walk. Omg I almost forgot, the stupidest thing just happened, I tried to let my dog out to take to her to go to the bathroom because I knew she had to BUT SHE REFUSED, THEN PEED ON MY OTHER DOGS BED. THANKS MAUI. THANKS.

#annoyed #dogs can be dumb #good morning #dreams #gettin it goin #gonna slay today