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annahwithane · 1 year

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Boosting my best (and only fanfiction)

Things that I cannot do

Summary: After a creep gets to close for comfort to you, it leads Kaz to spill his feelings.

Pairing: Kaz x female/reader

Warnings: hurt/comfort,established relationship, intimacy, implied mature content (if there is any that I have missed please let me know)

Rating: PG-13

A/N: I am relatively new to writing fanfictions and having only written three so I would very much appreciate any comments. Please if you reblog feel free to write down any thoughts you may have, I like reading them :). Also I am not calling reader Y/N but will be refering to her as she/her.

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The usual busy streets of Ketterdam arenear empty as the flakes of ice painted the grey roads and rooftops white. In one corner of the barrel a young man wistfully looked out the window as if the thick veil of white allowed anything interesting to be seen

The slightly off key tune of the violin was almost drowned out by the clapping, cheering and dancing by the dregs. The crow club was perhaps the only place in the barrel buzzing with such warmth and laughter in the middle of the harshest time of the year and it was all thanks to the insistence of his wife to celebrate the winter solstice which was unheard of in the barrel but a common holiday where she is from.

Not a cent was spared on the festivities from buying the finest cuts of lamb to new clothes made from silks and velvets. Kaz didn't truly understand the purpose of celebrating the coldest day of the year.

"Even in the harshest of times we should take opportunities to find happiness."she said with such pure and unadulterated joy in her face that all his willpower to refuse crumbled and the rare genuine merryment of the dregs made it all the more worth it.

Of course she refused to use any of the crow club's funds and used money out of her own pockets to do so but a seamstress's pay could only do so much so he gave her five hundred kruge insisting it was merely a 'solstice gift'. And every cent was worth it, she was worth it after everything she sacrificed to be with him. Abandoning a pampered life back home and living as a dressmaker just so she could be with an incomplete man like him.

Kaz put down the whiskey he was nursing as he approached the gambling room turned dance floor which seemed empty to him as the only thing he could see was her, twirling in her green-blue dress which she had meticulously sewn for weeks along with clothes for the other crows who were all colour matched, yes even Kaz who was made to abandon his monotonous black suits and donned in a deep blue.

Uncontrollable laughter burst out of her chest as she was spun around by Mattias as she swapped with Inej on the beat and passed to Jesper whose hand rested on the small of her exposed back and the other one gripped her gloved hand. Kaz knew that Jesper and her were like siblings but that didn't stop his insecurities from surfacing.

Now Kaz could somewhat stand physical contact, mostly with his wife. Holding hands without barriers gradually became more frequent with the occasional cuddles but Kaz knew it was not enough. She was very respectful of his boundaries and always waited for him to initiate contact not that she ever complained but he knew she wished for more which became evident as whenever the crew returned from a deadly mission or had a bad she'd always hug Inej, Jesper or Wylan while gazing at him longingly when she thought he wasn't looking.

And it ate him from the inside that despite being the closest person to her he couldn't meet her needs. Despite her repeated reassurance that she didn't mind waiting as he healed, Kaz knew that she deserved better yet he also knew that his selfishness would not let her go.

He hated that despite all the progress he made he still couldn't casually embrace her He wanted to feel her bare skin beyond just her hands and cheeks, a desire stoked the first time he walked in on her changing. Just to see what it feels like but fear fanned the flames in case the soft warmth of his imagination turns out to be cold and dead.

Furthermore he's afraid that one day she'll know he isn't worth it anymore. That she will realise that her life marrying someone from the Ravkan nobility or heck even the merchant council is far better than wasting her time with a man who could barely even show her affection.

Currently his insecurity and desire manifested into seething jealousy and anger for the unfortunate man who was now her dance partner and a bit to close for his tastes. He should be the one dancing with her, He should be the one to whisper whatever into her ear that was making her laugh. She invited him on the dance floor but immediatly dropped as she realised being in overly crowded place may be too invasive for him but oh how he wanted to whisk her away from the crowd and dance the night away but all he could do was tightly grip the wood as her dance partner pecked her bare shoulder-wait.

Reader POV

I prepared this night for my family, even those outside the inner circle to enjoy the night although I'd be lying if the person I wished to make happy the most was Kaz and while a crowded party may not be the best idea for that I hoped to share even only one dance with him but understandably being in a place where brushing against others is inevitable I didn't want to force him but rather pretended that the person I was dancing with was my love but alas I knew they weren't. There was none like Kaz but nevertheless I wanted to make the most of it was I currently waltzed a young man I was not quite familiar with but it seemed so that he wanted to be familiar with me. I don't know if he missed my wedding band or decidedly ignored but I just wanted the song to be over so this can end.

His hot breath brushed my ear as one by one flirtatious lines spilled out in slurs. I laughed each of them off and thankfully the music neared the end as relief slowly washed over me I jumped as the sudden heat that nipped at my shoulder.

"Why don't you and I take this somewhere more private?"

Before I could even process what happened, in a blur the man was dragged away. I touched the junction of my neck as disgust washed over me, I never wanted to scrub my skin off more. The sudden tap on my shoulder made me jump back.

"Are you alright?" It was Inej with clear concern in her eyes, I let out a sigh of relief as I lean into her embrace.

The peace only lasted a few minutes before I felt a vice like grip on my arm. It was Kaz. His expression, a weird mixture of anger, sadness and apology. He pulled me out of the crowd heading upstairs but not before saying:

"Rotty, keep playing the violin"

No one was in the mood anymore but they knew better than to refuse so the music continued even if the joy did not.

Kaz locked the door behind him and sat me arop his desk and pulled me into his arms, I tried to wiggle away but he wouldn't budge so I let myself indulge in the rare warmth of his embrace as a the familiar scent of his cologne comforts me.

"Are you feeling alright?"

I nod on his chest.

"That's good otherwise I may have to tweak my instructions to Jesper".

After a while he pulled and started taking off his gloves which wasn't too rare in private but what was is him touching any bare skin besides my hands or face as his hand barely hovered over my shoulders in hesitance before brushing his thumb over the place that the man kissed me which made me jolt as a strange sensation ran through my body.

"I hate it." The sound of his voice pulled me out of my euphoria before he continued in a shaky voice as if preventing his emotions from spilling out

"I hate that Wylan and others can hug you without hesitance, I hate that Mattias can pat you in the head, I hate anyone else can touch you so casually when I can't and I especially hate that man for even having the audacity to do something that only I am allowed to do. I know I can never be the half the man you deserve yet I still want to be by your side, tell me, am I selfish for that?"

Over the two years of our relationship this is the first time Kaz was this honest with his feelings and I don't know how to respond. I want to reassure to him that how he is feeling is completely understandable and even though he is being selfish it is still valid since he was isn't willingly withholding intimacy but trying his best to overcome his demons. I want explain to him that I love him no matter what and nothing can change how I feel but it all comes out as incoherent babbling.

Kaz places his thumb over my lips as he pulls me forward. Stray hairs tickle my neck as a soft soft warm lips brushes the base of my neck before slowly peppering kisses up to my ear lobe. Pleasure pulsates through me like a shockwave as tiny moans escape my lips. The heat of his lips acts like a balm to the uncomfortable sear left previously. He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine as I am still in my daze.

"Kaz?"

"Hm?"

"You okay? Wasn't to much?"

He shook his head still against me.

"I'd like to more of that again"

I let out a slight chuckle before replying

"So would I."

He helped down before leaning down to kiss the back of my hand and asking

"May I have this dance Mrs Brekker?"

And so the night continued as the Master of the Barrel danced with his Mistress as the faint sound of violin echoed through the Club.

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Taglist: @mrs-brekker15 @aleksanderwh0r3