apatheticvirgo

[apatheticvirgo]

Usually don’t get too personal on here anymore but I don’t have another platform to post about this so here we go.

I got Franklin in November of 2021 during grad school. I was in a horrible mental space and was working at an internship that nearly pushed me out of my career field altogether. After a horrible client session, I went straight to a pet store and waited for nearly 45 minutes to get assistance with getting a hamster.

That night, I brought Franklin home to my apartment and had him with me for the next 2 years and 5 months. He was with me as I graduated with my masters, helped distract my roommates and I through a school shooting, saw me through my first real job, and also as I got an incredible second job opportunity in January of this year.

He loved to climb the two levels of his home, run in his wheel and ball, escape his house and hide behind my dishwasher, and be held by me more often than the other hamsters I’d had in the past. Franklin loved apples, carrots, and cucumbers as treats - I loved watching him eat them and store his food in a little plastic blue hut that he looked like he shouldn’t fit in, but did. He was all fur and very friendly.

I made the difficult decision of putting him to sleep earlier today after he developed a tumor behind his ear that had taken over the front side of his body by the end. We went to the vet a couple weeks back when it first became rough and got some antibiotics, but it wasn’t quite enough. I just wanted to say thanks to him and get this all out because he was the best hamster I’ve ever had, and most likely the last. I’ll miss him a lot, especially his antics, but am relieved that he’s not sick anymore.

I’ll miss you Franklin, and thanks for everything.

[apatheticvirgo]

The leaves will fall again. Cool winds will nip at your face. Pumpkins will rest idle on stoops and Halloween will be near.

[apatheticvirgo]

HEY YOU

Get fucked

[apatheticvirgo]

Do you miss all your old selves?

no they are inside of me i hug them everyday and say u did such a good job

[apatheticvirgo]

They told me they couldn’t see me in a relationship

They just couldn’t picture me with anyone

And at 16, I didn’t care

I laughed and agreed, who needed boys anyways

…..

They told me they got asked to prom

Picked out matching colors and planned a nice dinner with pictures

They posted their puppy love on Instagram and everyone ooh-ed and aww-ed in the comments below

…..

At 20, no boy ever looked at me like I somehow thought they eventually would

I styled my hair, spent extra time on my lashes

I had long forgotten what they said to me that one day

…..

I’m 25 with the weight of their words now resting on my weary body each night

They were right and I laughed with them

Who cares? I care now

Never been kissed, touched, desired, cherished and I must be what they were secretly trying to get at

Unlovable. Undesirable. They couldn’t picture me being in a relationship because they knew what I didn’t

…..

I roll over in my empty bed to block it all out

They said they could never see me with someone

I wish I still found it funny. I wish I could laugh

[apatheticvirgo]

[apatheticvirgo]

already october. that'd freak me out if any year since 2019 had been real. luckily they haven't

[apatheticvirgo]

[apatheticvirgo]

*drowns myself in romanticized idealizations*

[apatheticvirgo]

"this page looks better in the app" "log in to continue" actually I'm going to shoot you with a gun

[apatheticvirgo]

I used to beat my head with my hairbrush whenever my hair didn’t do exactly what i wanted it to as a child and now i refuse to learn how to style my hair because i traumatized myself

[apatheticvirgo]

[apatheticvirgo]

I get so overjoyed when I hear of my friends successes

Sometimes, I fear, I am more excited when good things happen to them than they are for themselves

And at the same time, I see the good news posts of old classmates and peers

Close friends who faded away that I never stopped caring for

And I feel pangs of envy in my heart, because I have yet to experience all that they have

I have yet to feel loved or desired in the way that drives us to start a family

Nowhere near am I to my career goals and I am lost with what I want to do

I am not out traveling or seeing friends on a night out at a downtown rooftop bar

I swear I am so happy that the people I grew up with are content and seeing the good fortune in life

Writing this brings a load of guilt and shame in itself because growing up, I did everything right

I listened to my parents, followed the rules, passed all my tests and respected my teachers

I have wonderful friends, and yet all of that fades away when I see them - the posts of lives I wish to be living

Everyone else has met their person. Everyone else knows who they are. Everyone else has a place.

I don’t know who I am or what I am doing, and I am alone through all of it

I used to celebrate my friend successes, and the joys that they experienced

But now I feel jealousy and resentment

An empty pit that grows deeper and deeper in my body swallowing me from the inside out

I sink further into it day by day

And I wonder if I was ever a good person at all

#thoughts #personal #social media

[apatheticvirgo]

Pride month is almost over and I haven’t gotten kissed by a pretty girl how homophobic

#happy pride 🌈 #gay #girls

[apatheticvirgo]

“Deep down I feel I can never be myself, nor do I truly know who that self is, only that I believe she is inherently unloveable.”

— September 5, 2022 

[apatheticvirgo]

i want to swing on the playground again. feel the breeze on my face and sun on my head as i watch my classmates play kickball on the grassy hill in front of me. patches of dirt on the home mound and round the field marking the weight of bodies that used to be there. hear my friends laugh and say we are dating as we swing in time with each other. back and forth. back and forth. i want to swing on the playground again. i want my childhood back.

#inner child #short poem #poetry #childhood #playground #fyp

[apatheticvirgo]

Margaret Atwood, from The Blind Assassin