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apineappleking · 3 years

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I Refuse

The air is humid and thick, enough to drown in if not careful measure taken. Fading sun, plummeting from the horizon desperately grasping to threads of light, cutting through the blanket sky leaving bloody trails of twilight red. Standing and gazing at the sight behold, sharing the pain of burning sun. Night soon fall, and with it my refusal. Tonight I'm not going home. Gored and hollowed, a shell of thyself, hardened and bitter yet burning at the seams of the mail. A fire burns from within, consuming whats left of this chassis, fueled by the desires, fears, and pains that remain. I refuse to flounder, although far from flourish a cruel joy takes hold. Tonight I'm not going home. Abandoned and used, armed with Excalibur and steed, i will set fourth an adventure into the darkness guided by gravel and earth. Burning the oil through the slumber, remaining disturbed until my destination sought. Though my ears filled with screams, my lungs with tears, thy head shall be drained and silent. I'm not going home tonight.

#redundant hashtag #food for thought #words to live by #im a dumbass #not a dream #life lessons #not dead yet #this is why i write #writing #you know me #you know my name #why do i do this to myself #running from my past #running

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apineappleking · 3 years

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"I'm that 70 year old appliance you'll find in a thrift store. Thoroughly used, abused, broken and fixed countless times. Not exactly the prettiest but somehow manages to get the job done with certainty."

- A jerry-rigged man

#redundant hashtag #quote #food for thought #words to live by #im a dumbass #not a dream #life lessons #not dead yet #come get me #hard times #im still standing #broken trust #mental breakdown #hanginthere #im not a possession

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apineappleking · 3 years

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2016

Like a fever dream I always seem to picture thee in the halls of green in 2016.

A conversation neath green trees, a sunny day, yet no one believes.

Secrets passed, invitation missed, a guilty nail never dismissed.

Years have spent, the cruelty of time, yet I pace this line.

Forever future and past, never in present, it's what I have last.

This hell made my own, torment atone, with each broken bone.

Though memory fade, still holding on, may this never be gone.

I remember you still, the moments share, for this I always care.

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apineappleking · 3 years

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"We always talk about the day we chase our dreams, but today could be that day. Today could be the day you decide to start the rest of your life and be who you were meant to be."

- A Wise Carpenter and Friend

#motivation #food for thought #redundant hashtag #im back #not dead yet #change #words to live by #life quotes #life lessons #good life #recovery #quote #not a dream #chasing dreams #be all you can be #liveyourbestlife

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apineappleking · 3 years

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#peace #redundant hashtag #food for thought #im a dumbass #im back #not dead yet #all in a day's work #AMA #maine #natural calm #recovery #here we go

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apineappleking · 3 years

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"Life comes at you fast, that's why we have hard hats."

- Head aches but it's still there

#humor #workplace humor #words of wisdom #redundant hashtag #food for thought #words to live by #headache treatment #headshot #quote #funny quotes and sayings #good fun #im a dumbass #im here #im back #not dead yet

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apineappleking · 4 years

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Ceramic Dance

They dance as if marionettes, flawless in sync. Without a word but perfection in speak. The checkered floor on which they dance a flawless mirror of light and dark. From here I gaze upon a seamless dance. Empty and cold as the ceramic masks. The ballroom, a dance floor, a prison of pillars. Hidden but obvious I don't belong. Alien to me they dance and chuckle while dancing a ceramic dance.

Torch and bulb illuminate my prison, warding shadow blanketing all in quivering luminescence. From behind I listen to the laughs and gossip. Withou yet frozen in emotion of fear, joy, tears, and anger alike. Forever molded and scribed on ceramic masks. I without, naked in expression, pierced by sharp glances and puncturing points. Unable to shelter in my prison of pillars, attempting to conceal in conversation. Hiding from the ceramic dance.

Before not long a conversation was prospected with a cluster of dissimilar masks. One stood hunched, disfigured maybe. His mask stained yellow, cracked, scorched in patches. His wretched stench radiated of burning and spit. He tugged at attention seemingly forever, never tiring. Another stood tall and slender. Her mask was smooth and pearl. Her words were like a river, drowning away worries from that surrounding. Across her exposed arms geese flapped, flying through her pale flesh. The third was stoic, lacking meaningful words or ornament. His formal attire was broken by the shredded leather exposing iron tips of his boots. When he spoke it was of measurement and time frames, incoherent to I. Together we conversed subjects of random. All directing to each own intent occasionally glancing over at the ceramic dance.

With a attempt to break free, excuse following excuse, a retreat was finally made. A hasteful walk down a wide corridor lined with painting and statue of mask upon mask. All gazing at my naked face. Hateful and targeted. Only broken by the closing of a latrine door. The chamber seemed hollow, unused. Frozen in perfection as if a memory. In this place silence, a breath not stolen, a collection of one's self. Staring into a flat mirror, seeing a reflection starinf back Judgemental. Attempting to engage the golden faucet to no avail, not even a drop to douse my exposed face. Letting my eyes falter and shut, I feel pulsating anxiety and anger start to fill my veins. Fear of the exposure, anger at judgement, it is here in my prison of pillars that I will be forced to watch the ceramic dance.

Sheltered in thoughts although only temporary, not to be broken by the uneasy silence of a panoramic chamber, but the faint crisp sound of bare feet. Surprised by such a innocent sound my gaze shifted sudden. My eyes fell upon a young woman, long golden hair, subtle yet loud blue dress. Her bare feet made a gentle irresistible audible, almost as if intentional art. Stunned and frozen, my eyes feast while my chest beat. She slowly operated the chamber door, gently slipping half way through. Then her gaze met mine, my chest beating, stunned in a unknown state. With a playful giggle she beckoned for I to give chase, without hesitation I obeyed. Her pace was vivid, outpacing my impatient sprint. She flew around corners with ease, leading me back to the ceramic dance.

Arriving at the dance was different than before. Now was a hunt for her. She seemingly disappeared, vanished. Not but a few seconds after my arrival the tugger was at my shoulder, demanding attention. My attempts to avoid and ignore were only in vain. Poking, probing, demanding attention. Fueling a hate, a blissful anger within. Without warning I felt my knuckles cross his cracked mask. I could feel give, popping, rearrangement of my shattered hand. I watched as the hunchback tumbled to the mirror. On his impact his mask split, sending its halfs opposite ways. As if clockwork I felt a weight, looking about all eyes were on me. Motionless and dead, even the most lively now faced. Kneeling over to examine the damage done, a thick black oil oozed from is facedown head. Unusual and off-putting, I flipped him over. Nothing. What should have been a face was a black void leaking tar. Before I had time to examine further hands started grasping, pulling me to the ground. With all my strength I resisted however I was weak in light of the crowd. Enduring stride after strike, stab after stab, all the while she passed through my mind. Through a gap between kicking legs, my last sight, I witnessed her. She looked over her shoulder and let out a playful giggle. Her mast frozen in a playful state. It was over, the ceramic dance had been ended.

I awoke with a start, screaming in terror. Not a moment passed before realization of my location passed. I was in my chambers, darkened and chilled. Holes in the walls, housing exposed insulation and wires. Window shades pulled low to shield my slumber from the full moon light. Wet. Why am I wet? Soaking my blankets and sheets. Reaching for a chain to trigger luminescence, my arms were drenched not in water but blood. With a start I rushed to my latrine, engaging the overhead, turning valves. The water washed away the ambient, exposing cuts. Cuts forming words. Inscribed on my left stood chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, gratitude, humanity. Slowly shifting my gaze to my right, I noticed misaligned knuckles. Words also inscribed; lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride. The wounds all still fresh and leaking fresh blood. In terror I rested my fingertips on my face. It felt smooth, cold, lifeless. Looking up into the glass, I witnessed my face. I had none, replaced instead by a ceramic mask.

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"Do I miss the memories or the person in them?"

- Someone who carries guilt

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"Those who live in the past have no future."

- letting go is hard

#redundant hashtag #love #quote #words to live by #food for thought #guilt #emotions #keep moving #moving on #future #past hurts #running from my past #youre not alone #not a dream #not going back #not quitting #here if you need me

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"You can never go back, things will always be different, those moments have past and now only the memories remain. Right now the best thing you can do is keep moving forward."

- A wise man once said to me

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"Nobody hurts me more than I hurt me."

- Someone addicted to pain

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"Truth never damages a cause that is just"

- Gandhi

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"Distance is just a number, its what brings us closer that counts."

- Some Emotional Wierdo

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"To hate is to hold on."

- Its time to let go

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"If you never stop running from who you were, you'll never be who you are."

- A guilty soul

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apineappleking · 4 years

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"I refuse to fear that which is inevitable. I refuse to allow fear to control me. I refuse."

Courage is in us all

#friends #regret #quote #redundant hashtag #food for thought #im alone #words to live by #coronavirus #dont quit #you got this #self help #note to self #self improvement #self healing

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apineappleking · 4 years

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