aplaceforthesoul

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous asked:

hey there. i need help. me and my bf have been together for 1 year now. he cheated on me 4 months ago and i gave him a second chance. since then, i haven’t been able to fully trust him anymore, even though he really changed his actions. every time he goes out with friends or so i get really anxious and feel bad. we are good together and have lots os plans in common, but i don’t know if it’s worth the pain. i just don’t know if i need to try a little more or let go.

Hi. From what you told me, it seems that you recognised the conflicting feelings you have for this relationship. On one hand, you’d like to reconcile with your bf, to learn to trust him and to continue building this relationship. One the other, you find it really hard to not be suspicious of what he’s doing. It is understandable that you’d get anxious and upset when he’s not with you. He broke your trust and it could take a lot of time for you two to build trust again. 

Once trust has been broken, reestablishing the trust can only be done when the person’s behaviours has changed, and that you have seen and trust the change. 

You did mention that ‘he really changed his actions’. Did you two come to an agreement of what’s necessary for him to gain your trust back? e.g. sending check-in messages, scheduling activities together. However, you’re not obliged to continue this relationship simply because he’s changed. He has hurt you and it is very understandable that you can’t seem to trust him anymore. It is not your obligation to automatically forgive, forget and move on. Your feelings are still valid despite what he does to repair the bond. You have a right to be upset and angry about it. 

I cannot give you a definite answer as to whether you should let go or continue on. However, it would be a good idea to tell your bf your honest thoughts. It is perhaps unhealthy for you to pretend to feel fine about this situation when you’re clearly having conflicting feelings. It can also be detrimental to the relationship if you hide your feelings towards this rift. The feelings of not trusting the partner again may not only come from the cheating itself, but also the aftermath (not knowing what exactly happened between your partner and the other person, ambiguity in your bf’s actions), all these doubts in your mind could be a barrier to rebuilding trust again. 

Perhaps, it’s also beneficial for you think about why you’d like to continue with the relationship, it is the fear of being lonely? Is it because you really like this person? Perhaps you come to the conclusion that this person is worth giving another chance, but you’re not sure if it’s taking too long of a time to trust them again (I think 4 months is still relatively short time for rebuilding trust.) Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties, if you two are putting in effort (i.e. Your bf giving you physical proof of where he is, who he’s with and you trying to learn to trust him), then perhaps the wound can heal. However, even if he does all these things, you’re not obliged to put the relationship above your hurt. It takes two to have a relationship but only one person to end it. If he’s not satisfying your need for constant undeniable proof of devotion, then he may not be worth your time. 

I cannot give you a definite answer, but please remember that your feelings are definitely valid. You’re not in the wrong here, he made a bad choice that damaged your trust. Please take care of yourself first, never force yourself to stay in pain if that’s not what you want. 

Love,

Sam

#anon #cheating #relationship #bf #love

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

29f here  hi there, I started to "officially" date my boyfriend bout a year ago. Im really happy with him. I adore him, and our relationship is amazing.  I had never been in a commited relationship before, and there is a small thing that has been bothering me lately. I m not a jealous at all, I have never been like this, yet I feel worried about him and his exgf. It all starts when we first met... when we met they werr together and we were not even friends (my bf and me) and then "they broke up" or thats what he said. We started going put as friends and then went on a trip together... we started being friends with benefits after he asured me he was no longer in a relationship with this person. Well turns out one day I was at the beach and I saw them together.he didnt even speak to me. Then he said she still lived in his house bc she was broke and unemployed and that he took her to the beach "cos she wanted to go". We were not a couple just friendswb ... so yeah I distanced myself bc I didnt want to be w someone with a gf... ok so fast forward. After a month or so he  calls me to tell me she trashed his house bc he asked her to leave. So another month ... we start dating. I decided to Just let go of that bc we were not even together. Everything is great and he is like my bestfriend. BUT this lady has messaged him twice.1st saying he saw us together at the beach he didnt answer. 2nd to tell him she was over him and that she was dating sb el se. And he answered hope u r doing well ... like this bothered me ... cos a guy that i was seeing in the past also messaged me and i was like mm yeah idc ... anything else?... bc i genuinely dont care. ...We have a fb Page of a bussines we started together.  The ex often watches stories reels and Leaves reacts here and there but doesnt follow said Page. She blocked a friend of mine bc she thinks she is the actual gf... she doesnt even Know it is me ... but like this shit is toxic. And I now DO belive what he told me about them not being together and him lettting her stay out of pity, bc he often allows ppl to take advantage of him and doesnt set boundaries. This worries me bc im scared she might try sth w him and he May accept bc of this.it also fills me w doubts about HIM having moved on from her. Idk how to approach this wo sounding crazy. I already told him about the fb thing and her blocking my friend and he just says ah yeah .but i dont know how to tell him about my concerns. Hope you could help me. I feel very anxious and like this could be a thing that could ruin the relationship and trust

Hi there. It's understandable that you feel anxious since it seems to be a messy situation. It does not seem like a healthy relationship to me :c

It seems to me that a lot of focus has been put on him and his ex but not you. Have you asked yourself what you want from the relationship and from him? Are you happy being in this relationship/ situation?

As an adult, I think your bf needs to take accountability as he continues letting things happen (even if he no longer has feelings for her). If you are not happy with how things are going, perhaps it's best to find a time when you and him are both calm to have a face-to-face convo

You may approach the conversation by stating your observations and feelings without any criticism or judgment (This link about four components to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model, may help). Tell him calmly how the situation (him letting his exgf take advantage of him) makes you feel uncomfortable and you would like to see if boundaries can be put up.

I can also feel that you feel insecure about this relationship as you worried that she may steal him away. Trust and honesty are important qualities of a healthy romantic relationship. Currently, it seems to me that you do not feel secure about your place in the relationship and his behaviours. Apart from talking to him regarding the situation, perhaps try putting the focus back on yourself? Engage in your hobbies, hang out with friends and family or join a new community? When you focus on yourself more, you will have less time to worry about him. You are loved regardless of his feelings for you. You are valued no matter how he treats you. <3

There is also no certain way to know if he/ she was lying. You can only do what's best for you in this situation. Please always take care of yourself first!

Love,

Sammi

#anon submitted #submission #29f #bf #exgf #fwb #relationship

[aplaceforthesoul]

i feel like im slowly drifting away from ny best friend. we were really close in middle school but are now attending different high schools. they introduced me to some of their friends and sometimes we even hang out as a group, but it’s always pretty clear that my friend is closer to their other friends and i end up feeling left out. i’ve talked to them about this before and how i wanted both of us to make an effort to make more time for each other so we can grow close again but they’ve been crazy busy and whenever they text they end the conversation too early or just sound disinterested. it makes me super self conscious and whenever they say they have to go or can’t talk, i always find them active on other social media platforms. i don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s understandable to feel a little lost of hurt when friendships fracture or even just drift apart - but you have to realise this has nothing to do with you and it’s simply a case of your friend growing into their own space. You’re both busy and maybe they’re just enjoying spending their time with other people. And that has no reflection on you or who you are as a person, it’s just the way life goes sometimes. Friendships can fade away as we grow up. I feel you, I had a best friend from the age of 3 right until I went to university and we grew apart and now have very different lives. I still keep in contact with her on social media but other than that, I wish her the best in life and just accept that who I was at 16 isn’t the same person I am now. The same goes for her and the same will go for you two. Please don’t let it affect how you feel about yourself. You’re not at fault in any way! Sometimes holding on to something so tightly, causes more damage than just letting go. You’ve tried your best, maybe it’s just time to move on and wish them the best.

- Bonnie

#advice #friends #friendship #Bonnie #feelings

[aplaceforthesoul]

My mental health hasn't been this good in years - it took a lot of work, and i am very proud of myself for making it this far, but i still tend to overthink and beat myself up about the fact that i am still very much alone. I have a family that loves me and i have a small group of friends i trust, but i barely see any of them (i live alone and i am a full time student and studying takes up much of my time) - but i know that what i trully crave is romantic love. I only ever had one boyfriend and it didn't last long at all, left a lot of wounds, but it's ok now. The problem is that i am so introverted (not overly shy tho) and have no social media (Tumblr doesn't count i guess bc it's unpopular in my country), or dating profiles (honestly i just hate the concept of them so much) which nowadays is almost a MUST not just in the dating scene, but with basic everyday aquaintances you immediately start following eachother on instagram (even if you dislike them, it's common courtesy at this point). Now, i do have lots of hobbies and special interests and i do regularly attend events that have something to do with art, music or literature, but i never met anyone special in these special places. I know that i shouldn't try to force a romance or be impatient and that time will most likely do its thing now that i am stable and healthy, but i wan't to hear your opinion in this situation. How does a "nobody" find love in this day and age without the aid of the internet?

You’re right. You shouldn’t try to force a romance. It pretty much is impossible because romance is not something that really can be forced, I find it never works out that way.

You’re doing all the right things to meet someone. You have hobbies and you’re out and about doing things. You seem happy in yourself and your life - these are all good things and with time, your life will open up to someone who is there at the right time.

I also despise online dating (not that there is anything wrong with it, it’s just not for me) and honestly I was single for years and wasn’t tempted to even try and date.

But I met my s/o through work and a year later, we live together. You never really stop meeting people, they will come in and out of your life at different points.

Right now you’re really busy and studying full time but I know once things in your life settle, you’ll meet someone when the time is right. You are not a nobody and I don’t believe you have to conform to anyone else’s ideas of finding somebody. Just give it time.

- Bonnie

#advice #dating #Bonnie #feelings

[aplaceforthesoul]

hey guys, any advice for 24f on moving out? i live in nsw, australia. i want to move out by myself but idk where to start/what to do. just general tips would be so helpful!

General tips that I have would be:

Make sure you have enough saved for a deposit and your first months rent. Tbh make sure you have enough money to tide you over to live for a month on top of that. The more you have saved, the better.

Stick to your budget or as they’d say around here: “cut yer cloth accordingly”. Don’t be tempted into moving into a place outside of your budget just cause you love it. Make the place you can afford, one you love. You’ll come unstuck otherwise.

Be emotionally prepared to view and apply for a lot of properties. It can be taxing but it’s important to find a place that’s just right for you. Don’t be rushed into making a decision there and then but be aware that you probably will have to move fast.

Never ever accept a place that you yourself have not seen in person. Pictures can be old, things can be overlooked. Make sure everything is checked before you move in - you don’t want to end up with issues down the line.

If you’re moving in with someone, make sure it’s someone you know really well and can trust. But be aware that living with someone is knowing them on a completely different level - so prepare yourself for that! But yeah, always move in with someone you’ve known for a good while.

Sort out your direct debits so they all go out the day after you get paid. That way you’re not having to worry about going into arrears or owing people before you have your money.

If you don’t have a lot of cash and you’re short on furniture, ask friends and family if they have anything they want rid of. You’d be so surprised what you can get for free from people. (And you can always upcycle that stuff and make it your own!) there’s always websites where people are trying to shift old furniture if nobody you know has anything.

If you’re a female presenting person living on their own, make sure the outside of your property does not have any large bushes or trees that block your view, or that people can hide behind. This might sound a little paranoid but you want to feel safe where you live.

Make sure you live in a well lit area with lots of neighbours around and get to know your neighbours! I can’t tell you how much easier life is if you’re lucky enough to get on with the people who live around you. They’ll keep an eye out for you and they’ll be there in an emergency if you put the effort in.

I hope some of my tips helped you! Best of luck.

- Bonnie

#advice #moving out #Bonnie

[aplaceforthesoul]

I am curious, how do you know you should let go of someone from your past and they aren't meant for your future? Context: Was in a relationship with someone 10+ years ago things didn't work out, we were young, dumb, and didn't communicate well. They ended things during that time, and I was heartbroken (who wouldn't be). Nothing crazy or toxic happened. Now we're both single again and recently reached out to see how I was. Do I leave them in the past? Basically, I felt like they would have never wanted to reconnect again, and now that they have, I am confused. Everyone says don't get back with your ex, what are your thoughts on this topic?

People do say never go back to an ex and tbh in my experience that was good advice, however - you only get one life, so live it your way. If you’re healed from what happened, there was no toxicity and things were generally healthy then, why not? What have you got to lose? See where their heads and and go from there. Best of luck!

- Bonnie

#advice #relationships #dating #ex’s #bonnie

[aplaceforthesoul]

Hello :)

When I was 19 I came out to my parents as bi. Four years later I realised I'm probably a lesbian but I don't care too much about the semantics for my parents: they already know I date women so I don't really care. What does bother me is that in these four years they have very much tried to avoid my attraction to women. They only try to set me up with guys and when I mention dates with women they just...ignore it.

I know it's useless but I feel so sad about letting them down (bullshit, I know). They tolerate my attraction to women but everything they do makes it so obvious they want me to get a boyfriend. I just want them to accept me. They hated my first girlfriend to the point of my mom crying over it asking what she did wrong as a parent.

They tolerate it but wish I were straight and I am just so tired of it, I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks I'm advance

Unfortunately for a lot of parents, accepting that their child is anything other than straight is very difficult. I really wish this wasn’t the case, truly. As it is awful for so many young people who come out to their families.

They might never truly come to terms with your attraction to women. It might forever be something that they struggle with - and that sucks. But all you can do is live your truth and ensure your parents know and respect your boundaries.

The sooner you accept who you are, the stronger you will be at dealing with anyone else’s bullshit inability to do the same. Accepting yourself can be such a powerful thing, I promise.

You don’t have to do anything but live your life and invite your parents to either be a part of it or live on the sidelines. This is easier if you no longer live in their household - (and obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone whose life would be in danger if they came out).

If it were me, I’d sit my parents down and be clear that this is who I am, I am attracted to who I am attracted to, I wanna date who I want to date - and that if they refuse to accept things as they are, they will find themselves with less of a relationship with me than they already have.

You say they ‘tolerate’ it but it doesn’t seem like you truly tolerate yourself? And that’s something you need to work on. The more confident you feel in it, the less you will seek their approval. I know that is hard but as you get older, I promise these things do get easier. Remember that they have the option to respect you and be a part of your life and you are the one that holds the power in that respect.

Best of luck to you friend.

- Bonnie

#advice #lgbt #lgbtqia #lesbian #parents #coming out #Bonnie

[aplaceforthesoul]

Hello! My long distance girlfriend of 4 years just told me that she had sex with our mutual guy friend and I really don't know if I should break up with her or not! This came up after we were talking about the stuff we wanted to do together after I move in with her next week. What do I do??

I honestly cannot tell you what to do. Only you can make the decision to end things or try to salvage your relationship and move past this. It all depends on what is forgivable to you and what you are both willing to work on. If your girlfriend has broken your boundaries and hurt you - first of all, let them know. Have a conversation with them. See where both your heads are at. Only once you’ve spoken to one another deeply and discussed everything, can you make a decision with a stable head on your shoulders. Don’t be tempted to react right away - as hard as that is when it’s something so divisive. As I said, I can’t decide for you, nor can I tell you what the right answer is here. It’s all about what’s right for you. But if you choose to stay together, a discussion on clear boundaries needs to be addressed immediately. Best of luck to you.

- Bonnie

#advice #relationship #long distance relationship #cheating #sex #friendship #Bonnie

[aplaceforthesoul]

Hello :) I'm not sure if this is the right blog for this but my friends are being impossible so...

I met this girl on a dating app some months ago and we've met up a couple of times. When we started talking both our profiles said we didn't know what we were looking for. I'm always happy to make new friend, especially queer ones.

Anyway we've been talking for a while and I love having out with her but when I mentioned this to my friends they all said that we were dating.

Now this might be my demiromantic self being difficult but I only think of it as dating once the people involved say it's a date, otherwise it's just being friends. But my friends keep going on about how my "dates" went and all of that and I've told them it's not like that.

It has made talking to the girl a bit weird since I keep hearing my friends calling it dating.

At this point I kind of want to ask the girl if she meant it as a date just so it stops being so complicated and my friends can drop it, but that just opens a can of worms because I don't love people like most people do and I'm afraid to disappoint her

hey friend, definitely the right blog for a question like this :')

I think it's a good question to ask this girl -- having open and clear communication is always a good thing. it just depends on why you're asking the question; is it for yourself or for the sake of your friends?

if you're happy with the way things are now between you and this girl -- you're not feeling confused by anything, you're not in any hurry to rush things, you trust her? then I don't think there's any need to ask the question about dating just yet. forget what your friends say/think! it's honestly really lovely if they ask and show interest, but people can have different definitions of things and that's ok. this is between you and this girl :) your friends can think what they like -- as long as you and this girl are both on the same page, that's really all that matters.

if the above applies to you, then just let your friends think what they think. if it's really bugging you, you could ask them to use the phrase "hanging out" instead of "dating" for the time being? but at the end of the day, you know what's what and if you know that you don't feel that it's a 'date' in the traditional romantic sense then that's all there is to it.

however, if you'd rather have a clear defined boundaries and a label? then it's fair enough to open up a conversation about this and to ask the question, so that you both have a clear understanding of how you feel and what you're looking for. I know you mentioned above that both you said 'you didn't know what you were looking for'? but now you do know each other and feelings might have emerged, things may have changed and so it's fair enough to have another conversation about things.

so: ask the question "about "was this a date" if you personally want an answer and clarity. if you don't need that right now and you're only asking for the sake of your friends? leave it be for the time being, take it one day at at time. good luck <33

- tash

#advice #relationships #dating #friends #queer #demiromantic

[aplaceforthesoul]

hi, i’ve tried to write this a few times before and i’m never able to get it to a point where i feel comfortable with someone reading and evaluating it. but basically…. i am a high school senior and i am concerned about the importance and closeness level of a relationship between myself and a young teacher at my school. i am 16 and transmasculine, he is male in his 20s and pretty new to teaching, we kind of feel more like peers than members of a hierarchy even though he has taught multiple of my classes before. and i have recently become a TA for his class which further blurs that line because i am kind of on the authority figure side of things as far as any class hierarchy goes. so anyway:

basically, i have a bad home life, my dad is abusive constantly to my mother and incidentally to myself and my sisters; i don’t tend to feel particularly safe at home and this teacher has known about this since the middle of last year. since then, i have been invited to stay in his classroom anytime he’s in the building (including many hours after school for days on end, but also before school and a few times during my other classes with him excusing my absence, i usually try to make myself useful and set things up for class but often times just sit and talk, or we do our own things quietly in tandem) and he’s kind of been a safe place to go to talk about my life, get advice, and go when i’m really struggling. he’s also just a good friend and a fun person to talk to, and he’s in charge of the club that i’m a member of so even when i don’t have crazy scary things going on and need a place to be we tend to have interaction in a regular school context too once weekly. without the kindness and friendship of this teacher i would not have made it through the past few months as everything has fallen apart further at home, i ran away for a couple weeks, things have really just been unpredictable and scary and i’ve relied on him as a resource a lot including to help excuse me from other classes or help me figure out how to lie to my parents in contexts where it’s necessary.

anyway, i’m just a little nervous that i’m starting to care too much in the wrong way, and that the bounds of a professional relationship really strongly don’t exist in this instance - all my friends kind of passively acknowledge the fact that me and this one teacher have like zero boundaries as far as when i can be there and what we can talk about and they’re all kind of quietly awkward about it. and it’s not like anything is actually inappropriate or that he has ill intent and that’s not what i’m here to ask about at all, please don’t read this as that kind of a question the problem here is my own boundaries. the problem is that he’s like. a really important person to me, but that we interact in such a context with so many different dynamics and reasonings going on that you can’t really view it as a normal friendship, or mentor relationship, or really any normal type of relationship, and then also am afraid of what will happen when i graduate and we don’t see each other anymore, because with the nature of our friendship being school-centric and with an age difference and power difference we aren’t really set up to still know each other a year from now. and i’m not too proud to admit but that i do also have some rather unrealistic fantasies in which he somehow breaks me out of this shell and helps me become a carefree adult and maybe a bit of a crush. i would say it’s pretty one sided but so my problem is just kind of. i care a lot about this person. that’s not what our relationship is supposed to be. and it is both important for my security to keep spending so much time in his room especially right now, and also like. we’re on good terms and i enjoy his company in a teacher way and don’t want to lose one of the only positive relationships i’ve ever had with an adult in my life. and like i said, i’m his TA now and he’s the guy in charge of my club. so it’s not like i can start avoiding him how you’re supposed to when you have feelings you shouldn’t act on or feel like boundaries are being crossed. but i don’t want to cause problems either by somehow making my overcommitment clear and putting him in a position of either hurting my feelings or getting himself in trouble, and i just kind of. i don’t know. we’re close, and he trusts me with a lot of things and i trust him, and i don’t want to put our relationship at risk through having complicated feelings or through backing off to try and change how i feel. and again, it would be really truly unsafe to stop spending so much time with him because the alternative of going home is usually pretty bleak.

so basically i just… have complicated feelings, and don’t know what to do. i really don’t want to lose him, and i would like to keep in contact after high school, but i want to know how to do that in a way that is still appropriate and normal in the context that we actually know each other, even if we know each other a lot more well than other students and teachers that is still the basis of our relationship and i don’t want to mess things up and blur lines further than they already are. but he’s a very important person to me, and as the end of high school is approaching i’m stuck between wanting to stay in touch and continue to lean on him through this time, and wanting to keep things in a normal appropriate bounds for a student and teacher to be close with one another.

i can’t talk to anyone about this in the real world, so i’ve been sitting with it for many months now not sure where to go, when i need an adults advice and what i have to present to them is a list of ways that a teacher has broken rules for me where he could probably get in a lot of trouble like not in a way where i feel like he has crossed boundaries it is quite the opposite but some of the things that he has done to help me or when i was around were definitely not allowed. and i’m not looking to get him in trouble and not trying to have some outside party get involved and try to ask him questions or whatever and it would be really embarrassing and people are quick to read into things so it would just be a scary situation. but like. i need advice on how to deal with the combination of my situation, my feelings, and my future, and i kind of have a single person who gives me advice and it’s him. so i’m kind of reaching out here just hoping that i can have some honest advice from someone who i hope can look at this from a removed standpoint and give me the advice i need about what to do about my feelings and how to keep this relationship professional and normal while also, keeping it in my life. this has been weighing on me since before summer vacation, and it’s difficult to organize my thoughts, so i’m sorry for the long ask but i really appreciate you taking the time to read it and offer me any advice you have. not entirely sure if this blog is still active again, hope you are doing well out there and only taking time to answer these if you have the mental energy for it. best wishes, i appreciate you reading this far!

hey friend, i'm so glad that you were able to write this all down and send it to our inbox. truly! it's not easy at all to do that because it forces you to acknowledge your thoughts + feelings, and to put it all to someone for advice does feel vulnerable. but you did it -- and honestly that can be half the battle sometimes.

you're incredibly self aware and articulate, and I think you've hit the nail on the head in regards to the blurring of professional/personal lines.

how to find a resolution to this though? one way could be to start to slowly branch out a bit with friends. if you're possibly able to find a connection with someone else, someone that you trust and like? it could help you to feel like you have more support, and means you feel a little less dependent on one person.

starting to branch out doesn't mean that you have to ditch the friendship you have with person? if anything, it may end up creating a stronger and authentic relationship because you're more able to clearly define boundaries and you feel more in control over your thought + emotions (instead of heading too far in the other direction and being dependent on them). 

just quietly...it sounds like your feelings are complicated now because of how much value is being placed on this one person and this one friendship, sometimes it can cloud our perspective a lil. when we have so much attachment to a person and we place a lot of trust in them, our heart can get a bit confused? if you have real romantic feelings then I definitely would not act on them, but it might be that you just care a lot about this person and what he represents for you: safety, protection, stability, trust.

I'm not judging you -- this situation doesn't sound 'inappropriate' in the sense of a sexual relationship, it doesn't sound like he's taking advantage of you or trying to manipulate you, there aren’t a lot of red flags. however... in spite of what I've just said, it would still be a good idea to break the cycle of attachment/ dependence on someone who's older and an adult and someone in a position of authority over you. 

it’s not going to be an overnight solution, this particular issue isn’t likely to resolve itself in a few days time. but start off with the decision to make a few new friends, people who add value to your life. sometimes taking personality tests (like myers briggs) can help with that? if you know what you’re like as a person, it can help you find similar people with similar personality types, and a friendship might be more likely to form and to be positive.

it takes time to make new friends! I’m 29 and I’m the first to admit that it’s something as an adult that I don’t find easy either. but seriously try to make time and put some energy into creating a new friendship, take it one day at a time. let us know how things go for you lovely, all the best xxx

- tash

#advice #16 #friends #friendships #boundaries #professional #school #ta

[aplaceforthesoul]

I'm an (18) year old lesbian, and I have never been in a serious relationship with a woman, only (situation ships) and I'm struggling with my love life. I know I'm young but going on apps like TikTok or just liking girls who've already found that queer happiness has discouraged me and idk what to do, I just want to find love with other women and it's so hard. I'm so lonely in that area of my life.

two things to do, that could help. one - avoid using tik-tok and instagram and the like. if you're seeing content that upsets you, remove it from your immediate environment. or if you still really like using the apps, then unfollow these people for a time. these women aren't doing anything wrong! and your feelings aren't wrong either -- you're just not in a space right now where you can hold space for content like that, and that's ok. prioritise your mental health and well-being.

second - consider joining dating apps, there's a fair few out there that are lgtbq-focused (eg. Her, Bumble, Hinge, Tinder). maybe you'll meet the love of your life on there, maybe not, who knows?! but it's a good way to meet new people who are looking for something similar to you, and a good way to meet other lesbian women if the bar/club scene isn't really your thing.

you’re only 18!!! you’re still so young, I mean that in the kindest and nicest way possible, I really do. when I was 18? I was incredibly financially unstable, unable to let go of a past relationship that was (really) toxic and unhealthy, I didn’t have a lot of aspirations or goals, I was just drifting tbh. I had a lot of negative thoughts and feelings about myself as a result of past relationships, I never would have dreamed that I would be in the circumstances I am now where I’m in a relationship that’s happy and positive and healthy and wholesome :*

you have so much time to figure things out, to meet new people, to have relationships. try to fill the loneliness with wholesome and happy friendships, most the most of opportunities to meet new people and see where it leads. I know how painful it can be to feel lonely and to want a romantic relationship so much it hurts? but all you can really do is take it one day at a time, life has a habit of surprising you in the most unexpected ways xxx

- tash

#advice #18f #lesbian #relationships #lonely #tik tok

[aplaceforthesoul]

i feel myself strugiling with old ed habbits . ive been fine for a while maybe a thought here orr there but i just push it away but this week has been hard. i had these toasted raviloi the other night and found myself checking the calories and then taking off the layer and eating just the pasta. ive been staying after for my play rehersals and have been getting rides insted of walking home for 40 minutes and i just had a good 20 min internal battle over weater i deserve desert because i didnt exersize today and i dot deserve it . im eating a bit of icecream as i write this but every bite i take i just feel guit. ive gone back to checking calories suddenly and i hate it i jsut want to be ok again

honeyyy ): eating disorders are so twisted and cruel and distorted, I'm giving you the biggest virtual hug right now. you’re asking for help and reaching out and talking about this and acknowledging that there’s an issue – that’s a massive step in the right direction, and it’s something to be really proud of. it's proof that there is a part of you that wants to fight this, that wants to get better.

therapy, therapy, therapy. therapy is something that can help you to be ok again -- maybe that's CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy), IPT (interpersonal therapy), dance therapy? there's a lot of different options out there that are more than just the traditional idea of therapy and counselling, and they truly can make a huge difference.

if you've never had professional support + therapy before, it's definitely something to look into. I know that accessibility is a BIG issue - while the world seems to be more accepting and supportive of mental health issues, there’s still a big gap in people being able to access these services and I really do get that. I’m not quite sure what country you’re is based in? but there are clinics and therapists who operate on a “sliding scale payment system” – meaning that you pay according to your financial situation instead of a flat-rate fee. [this website is based in canada and may not be super helpful if you don’t live there, but it’s a good example of what I’m talking about]. 

if you have accessed therapy before, maybe it could be an idea to reach out to the psychologists/psychiatrists that you've seen before and book an appointment.

if therapy is just not an option at the moment? then reach out to people around you -- friends, family, loved ones. it will help you feel a lot less isolated, it helps others to help you, and also helps to keep you accountable and to stop the spiral into further harmful behaviours.

you're not alone in this, truly. eating disorders are so so irrational and it's hard to act in a logical way! but try to avoid calorie counting where you can, making your own food to eat where possible can sometimes help too -- you're in control over what you're eating, you know the ingredients, the info for calories is harder to find. eat nutrient-dense meals, speak up about this and reach out for help where you can, take it one day at a time. let us know how things go for you friend <33

- tash

#advice #ed #ed tw #eating disorder #eating disorder tw #calories #calories tw #calorie counting

[aplaceforthesoul]

i weighed myself for the first time in a while i have a dr appt in 3 weeks and im 20 lbs underweight i eat i dont understand and its just been stressing me out

there can be lots of different reasons for being underweight even though you eat -- maybe you're not eating enough food, maybe there's not quite enough food that's high in protein and other macronutrients, maybe it's due to other potential stresses in your life at the moment?

the key things that you can do are to drink plenty of water, and to have enough sleep each night. maybe having a daily smoothie with oats or protein powder can be a good way to get some extra nutrients too? eat lots of carbs and fibre rich food, eat lots of leafy greens and broccoli and brussell sprouts and peppers and courgettes and tomatoes?! anything that’s green is going to be good for you, try to ensure that there’s a variety of colour on your plate at least once a day.

I hope the dr's appointment went alright for you friend, and that you were able to get some answers from them about your health and weight. take care xxx

- tash

#advice #weight #weight tw #numbers #numbers tw #stress

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

I have this weird gut feeling that my fiancé fancies his brothers fiancé. They obviously knew each other before I came on the scene but I’ve noticed that whenever we visit them, he seems so overly invested in what she has to say and when we leave, every time he mentions having seen his brother, it takes him all of one sentence to circle back to her.  He was supposed to contact the doctors in regards to some physio sessions but decided he’d rather wait an unknown amount of time for them to move closer to where we live so he can get seasons from her as that’s why she does. We were also going out for a date last week and I was downstairs putting my shoes on whilst my fiancé was in the kitchen, his brother and fiancé were staying over and as she came downstairs, I looked over at him and he just kept looking at her (bare in mind she’s had a child and is incredibly slim compared to me). Maybe I’m overthinking it but if he’s ever mentioned a female friend or colleague, it’s never bothered me but for some reason this really has.

I think the only thing you can do is talk to him about this. he’s your fiancé - someone who you’re wanting to be with for life should be someone that you can talk to about anything. 

just be as open and honest as you can - saying “I” statements (eg. I feel ____) makes it more subjective, and hopefully means that your fiancé is less likely to get defensive over it. but an honest conversation and communication is really the only way past this, otherwise it’s likely to sit in the dark corners of your mind and start to snowball into a bigger issue. 

tell him what you told us here -- that it’s never bothered you before when he’s mentioned female friends or colleagues, that it feels like he’s overly invested in things that she has to say, that he’s willing to put his health at risk to wait for her to move closer for physio sessions, that it feels like a lot of conversations circle back to her. 

during the conversation, mention that you’re wanting to talk about this because it’s worrying you and upsetting you, that you want to resolve it so you can continue being happy and content with being engaged. say to him that it’s not about distrusting him, but that something just feels off and you need a little reassurance from him that things really are ok. mention that you feel safe enough with him to be open and vulnerable about this! he may still get defensive or upset, but if you express that you still love him and trust him and want this relationship/marriage to work, it may in turn help reassure him too. 

it’s not easy at all to have conversations like this -- it means admitting your flaws and potential jealousy and insecurity, that’s a bloody hard to thing to do. but if you truly want to be able to resolve this, then talking about it is really the only solution. 

we’re answering this a while after you sent it into the blog, my sincere apologies for that ): let us know how things worked out for you friend, I hope you were able to resolve your anxiety and stress <3

- tash

#advice #submission #fiance #anxiety #over thinking #relationships

[aplaceforthesoul]

I’m quite dearly sorry if this is a bother for you guys, you seem really amazing. I’m just getting quite sick of how my mood fluctuates from day to day. One day I’ll be happy, motivated, normal, Etc… and then suddenly the next I feel horribly depressed and foggy. I’ve taken it to certain measures I know aren’t healthy, the most notable being self h*rm. I want to enjoy being around people and I want to be the person they deserve to be around, but I can’t help but isolate myself.

you're not bothering us at all! this blog is an advice blog, it's been set up and designed with the sole purpose of helping others, it's something we voluntarily do and we choose to be here :)

that's no good at all though, giving you a big virtual hug ♥ has anything changed in your life recently that could have contributed to these persistent low emotions? maybe a fight with a friend, the death of a close family member, bullying at school, low self esteem? it's normal for our moods + emotions to fluctuate from day to day, but if you find yourself constantly having a lot more "low" days and you have noticed a change in your overall emotional health? then that's definitely something to be concerned about.

working out sustainable ways to cope with overwhelming situations isn’t easy! ): and even if you and I know that hurting yourself isn’t healthy or positive, resorting to wanting to feel physical pain to balance the emotional pain can be a pretty effective way of dealing with stress. it makes sense for people to do this, however that doesn’t necessarily make it healthy or good for us. it can take time to change our habits and to get used to something new? but there’s a lot of other strategies to help us deal with stress and overwhelming feelings, that don’t involve causing harm or pain to ourselves. there’s this post or this post on brainstorming other activities to do, sometimes intense exercise can help you feel more calm? getting out of the immediate environment that’s causing you distress can help (so maybe that means going for a walk and listening to a podcast is a good coping mechanism for you), or maybe it’s having a nice hot shower, listening to music you love…whatever works for you :*

the other bit of advice? reach out to others around you. slowly stop isolating yourself, and instead start talking and communicating about what's going on. you were able to send in this message to us, and I'm so proud of you! truly -- it takes a lot of courage to be able to type out and acknowledge the issues that you're facing at the moment, it's not easy. this message is proof that you do want to change things, and it's ok if you need support from others around you. talk to people you trust, reach out for help, let people know that you're not ok and that you do need help. let us know how things go for you, all the best <33

- tash

#advice #self harm tw #self harm #mood #mood disorder

[aplaceforthesoul]

hihi so lately ive been extremely insecure about my weight and how i look so ive taken up fasting! it truly helps me feel better about myself and i only eat when i absolutely have too. the problem is that ive gotten to the point where i cant voluntarily eat a meal or even anything with a single calorie in it without feeling bad about myself.

please get some professional help and support, I mean that in the nicest and kindest way possible. maybe that's talking to an adult you trust, making an appointment to see your local GP, starting to google some counselling clinics in your area? if you want some advice on how to go about getting some proper support, I am more than happy to help with that :*

starving yourself definitely is not the road to feeling good about yourself in a long-term sustainable way. not only is it not mentally healthy? but honest-to-god, it doesn’t work. starving your body of food and nutrition makes the body go into “starvation mode” – that means that your body slows the metabolism right down to conserve energy, meaning long-term effects are that you gain weight quicker and that it’s a lot harder to lose. starving yourself also makes you a feel a lot hungrier, increases food cravings that might not ordinarily be there if you weren’t restricting, and makes you feel ‘lazier’ or more fatigued and lacking in energy and motivation to do things. 

so if starving yourself doesn’t work and you're starting to recognise some of the issues that come with this (ie. food dilemmas), what now? start to work on mentally changing how you see yourself and feel about yourself. it’s not an overnight process! unfortunately there isn’t a magic switch to stop feeling negatively about yourself ): but there are some things you can do to change things – it’s not a quick fix solution, but it’s definitely a more sustainable one and it’s worth it.

above all though -- please please please reach out for help from mental health professionals and other adults that you trust. eating disorders / disordered eating habits have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, you will end up dying if you continue down this path. I can't help specifically with the issues you're experiencing at the moment, but I'll absolutely be here for moral support. there are other ways to become comfy and happy with yourself and how you look, this route isn't worth it. ily, let us know how things go for you xxx

- tash

#advice #ed tw #ed #eating disorder #disordered eating #calories #calorie counting #weight #weight tw

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

my grandpa is in the hospital, and i saw him yesterday for what may be the very last time. i am fourteen, and have never dealt with grief before. right now i feel really alone, and so overwhelmed. are there any articles i can read or other resources i can use to get through this? i really need them.

that’s horrible, I’m so sorry to hear that ): I wish I knew what to say to take away the pain I really do, I’ve experienced grief and loss that’s left me in bed for days and days on end and unable to function as a regular human bean. grief is so raw and painful, it’s a pain that reaches down to your very bones and makes them ache and makes you want to rip your heart out. people romanticise grief sometimes, but there’s nothing romantic or beautiful about lying in bed surrounded by tissues and having a red and puffy face.

this response is coming a while after you sent it to our inbox, I’m so sorry for that. I wrote a post on how to deal with and manage grief, you can read it here if you like and see if there any any tips that resonate with you. there’s an article titled ‘Seven Stages of Grief’ that could help helpful to read too. other than that? reach out to friends and family and loved ones around you -- talking about grief and loss is hard and it all too easy to isolate yourself from others. but talking is good, talking helps make you feel less lonely, talking about it lets others be there for you and support you.

cry as much as you need to, get it off your chest. it’s tempting to push away people around you and spend days and weeks on end at home? but isolation generally doesn’t help in situations like this, keep your friends close if you can and try to keep busy. focus on yourself and do whatever’s best for you, try to keep some sense of routine and order in your life (it helps a bit). all you can do is take it one day at a time, seek support from anyone and everyone possible. the pain is going to hang around for a little while but each day it becomes easier to handle, bit by bit. time helps to heal the pain from grief, truly. take care of yourself friend <33

- tash

#advice #grief #loss #grandpa #advise #help #support