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apurv18 · 2 years

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I always knew this day would come someday, but i was never prepared for it. It always gave me insane anxiety and discomfort-like whenever i thought of 'that' day, i could feel my heartbeat beating abruptly, my breaths grew heavier and the pain would be unbearable. But we can't control things in life no matter how hard we try.

I have always been stubborn like a kid when it comes to matters of my heart. My brain automatically would take a backseat when my heart rebels.

I met her first when i was around 15 or 16 maybe. Now i am 25 and it was almost time to meet her again, but this time for the last time.

I promised her that i would be back for her one last time, when we're more mature and time has given us enough tragedies to be wiser than before.

15th August, 2022.

When the whole world was celebrating freedom, i was wishing to be free as well. But my freedom was different.

I didn't tell her the reason of our meeting, as i waited in a coffee shop near her appartment.

I texted her, "Hi, I'm here waiting".

She called back and asked where exactly i was.

She wore white T-shirt with black horizontal stripes on it. I don't know if it was poetic justice or what- but on our first meeting she wore black. And through the shades of black to white, 8 years had pass. It is a decent amount of time to get over your first childhood love- but time is never enough when you're love is selfless, divine, pure magic, tragic and cruel all at once.

We shook hands and started walking. She looked sad and tired- or maybe it had been a long time since we last met and i didn't know her anymore like how i used to know.

But to me she looked sad, sadder than the branches shedding autumn leaves.

"Hey, you look sad", i couldn't stop myself from speaking my mind. It was always like this - whenever I was with her, i could never filter my thoughts and seperate it from the words that came out of mouth. It was like magic.

"No, i woke up very late this morning and then came straight to meet you, let's go to McDonald's, that's where i hangout sometimes."

I was hoping for a coffee shop meet but i can't blame McDonald's for it. I ordered a lemon drink for myself and she ordered an ice-cream.

That was the worst lemon drink of my life. She offered me her ice-cream as she asked for an extra spoon. Her wooden spoon had her lipstick stains and said she'll get a fresh one for me. In my heart i wished they had ran out of spoons but that wasn't the case. As we shared ice-cream and cursed that lemon drink, our conversations started getting intersting. After talking about our miserable work lives and the generic corporate bitching- we shifted to our beautiful and simpler past. We left McDonald's and started walking. It was drizzling a bit so i took out my umbrella from my cross-bag. It was the most memorable walk of my life. As the rain poured and she was walking so close to me, again after almost 4 years. I wanted time to stop there forever. After walking and talking about some mutual friends and our school times, we moved towards that same coffee shop where i was waiting for her initially.

The coffee table had Ludo board as it's design and there was dice and red and blue pieces. I took red she chose blue. I have never to this date lost a game of ludo like that. My three pieces were still not developed as she cut me 3 times- but she had only one remaining piece and everything else was already in home. Life felt like that Ludo game to me, but it felt nice losing everything to the person whom i loved truly.

"Do you remember my promise? You know I'm meeting you for last time" i said.

"Yes, it felt like it since the beginning" she had guessed it in her heart too. Because no-one travels 1000miles just so that they can "just" meet an old friend.

And we talked and talked and talked. She was insisting me to eat something, but i didn't. I kept telling her i always wanted to spend more time her. I got so little time with her. I didn't want to eat but just talk and talk and talk.

And that is what we did for next three hours.

"Why you look so sad, i mean you don't seem yourself to me, like how ive always known you" i said.

" Ahh.. all the bad wishes from my ex lovers are coming true i guess. I don't have fun, i don't go out and nothing is interesting anymore"

"But why didn't my good wishes worked, damnn. I wished they did"

She laughed a bit for the first time as i said it.

We talked about all her ex lovers. She kept asking me why i didn't move on and that i should.

"I wish it was that easy for me too. I really want to get over it. But there has not been a single day in last 4 years when i didn't think of you once. It's insane like a disease. How can i think of you for this long? Every single fucking day?- that is why im here, because i keep my promises. To see you for one last time. You told me recently you're getting married by next year. Since that day, my mind was going crazy. I had to find a way. This is for the last time. Good-bye"

... i can't torture myself for rest of my life. I wish the best for you. I wish you get someone who treats you just as special. But i have to get away you know."

She realised the times has finally come.

I don't know how she felt, she expected it too.

Then we left the coffee shop and took a long walk beside a lake. There we talked and talked and talked and i wished our conversations never end. We took a couple photographs which i didn't asked from her later.

When my cab came we hugged and shook hands, it felt like her hands wanted to hold a bit longer but mine didn't.

She told me don't be sad as i saw her for the last time.

It was the best and worst day of my life and i felt something probably for the last day.

I played "Dast-e-tanhai" on the cab music system and she disappeared before my eyes for the last time.

And i have ever since forgotten how to feel things.. and i guess it will good after awhile.

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