love will find me,
it will sweep me up onto its grand, sublime wings, and i will never again know what it is to be lonely.
until then, though, the aching in my chest is becoming more and more difficult to ignore.
i feel empty.
i miss being loved.
-you, you, you. it’s still all about you. c.r.
and it was a shallower love than i’d ever care to admit, certainly nowhere near the depth i’d convinced myself it was when i was living it. but sometimes, in the dead of night, i can’t help it - my mind wanders. back to all of the things i’d promised we’d become, back to the dreams i had of you and i, back to the love i swore i held for you. perhaps this is a cautionary tale, then - warning of light found in the darkest of places, of love found in the most barren of hearts. it always hurts more than you think it will.
-reminiscing on yesterday. c.r.
i wish i could tell you i’m ready now.
i can love you the way you wanted me to.
i won’t ever doubt my feelings for you again.
i can give you forever.
but… even if i could tell you..i don’t think it would be true.
i think i’m more enamored with the feeling of being loved than i ever was with you.
-and you only loved an idea of me c.r.
“I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last time I ever saw her. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would have done differently, but I know it doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it would have mattered then, either. We were always destined to fall apart.”
-excerpt from a book i will never write c.r.
there is a place in my heart
that you will forever occupy
just as there is a space in the sky
for each and every doomed romance -
love, that was never destined to be
-i guess we had different definitions of “forever” c.r.
i wish i could say i haven’t dreamt of you nearly every night since you forced me to say goodbye in order to save what remained of my shattered heart
-for all the love that used to be here, and the empty space left in its absence c.r.
you were as beautiful as a midnight rose
so i suppose i should not have been surprised
when i was finally acquainted with your thorns
and bled out at sunrise
-even the stars go out eventually. c.r.
being with you felt like a dream
you were there and gone in the blink of an eye
now you only exist intangibly in hazy memories
i’m not so sure you were ever real
it was beautiful.. then it wasn’t.
-i wish it was as easy to forget you as it was to fall in love with you. c.r.
i wish i could speak to you, one last time.
i’ve thought a lot about what i’d say to you,
run through thousands of different scenarios in my mind-
after much deliberation, i think i’d tell you that.. i’m sorry.
i'm not sure what i have to be sorry for, exactly.
maybe it's just what i, more than anything, wish you would say to me if given the chance
-(and what i know you never will) c.r.
are you telling her how much you love her, right now?
are you telling her that she’s your favorite person?
that she’s your everything?
are you telling her all the things you used to tell me?
the way you hold her hand-
the way you look at her-
it makes me want to scream.
because that's how you used to look at me.
-i wish i could hear you say "i love you" one last time. c.r.
and what is there left to do when we’re strangers again?
when the single worst fate that i swore would never, ever come to pass, has?
there’s nothing quite as painful as looking into the eyes of someone you once loved and realizing that there’s nothing but distance between you two, now.
-forgive me, my love. c.r.
and would being in your arms still feel like coming home?
even though i’m not welcome there anymore?
-it was easier when i didn't have to wonder if you loved me or not. c.r.
maybe i loved you too much?
maybe it scared you away?
maybe you saw the scale of my heart’s affections,
and maybe, maybe, it made you afraid.
-i'm sorry for leaving, love. c.r.
my head hates you.
my head hates the way you hurt me,
hates the way you told me you didn’t mean what you said-
my head wants you dead.
but my heart still wants you.
my head knows you weren’t good for me.
my head knows all the pain you put me through,
the way you made me second guess myself,
wasn’t worth it.
my head knows i’m better off without you.
but my stupid, reckless heart still loves you.
-god, i really wish my heart could hate you. c.r.
it’s killing me, not knowing. that’s the worst part, i think; your feelings towards me in a state of superposition, existing only inside schrödinger’s box in my mind.
even if it didn’t work out, even if i’ve tried to fool myself into not wanting you back, there’s a small, pathetic part of myself that needs to know that you actually cared, at least at some point in time.
i went from being your favorite person in the world, your everything, the one you were slowly falling in love with, to nothing, faster than i thought possible. faster than i had realized i was falling in love with you.
and no, i don’t regret any of it. but i miss you.
-i miss being loved. c.r.
because, yes, i screamed.
yes, i yelled.
yes, i told you i hated you.
but beneath all of that, beneath the anger, beneath the vitriol, beneath the rage, i was empty.
finally, finally, that was the truth.
i was empty.
i was hollow, and regretful, and sad, above all else.
millions of thoughts whirl inside my head at any given moment, going through every possible scenario, every possible variable, every thing that went wrong, in the vain, fruitless search for the answers to the questions i was desperately seeking, that i knew i would never get closure on.
god, i really thought we could make it.
-i was so naive. c.r.
maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you
because you’ve given no indication you even think of me anymore
and though i can’t help but hold on to the person you were when i was allowed to love you,
the person who loved me, who said they’d never let me go, who swore they would’ve stayed by my side forever-
it’s going to drive me mad hoping that person comes back.
so maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you.
-because it sure as hell seems like you’re over me. c.r.