aro-and-tired

[aro-and-tired]

Hi love! I just had a question as I was writing my aro character. Idk if I want to write her as married yet (platonically of course) but I’m also aware that platonic marriages exist

If she was in a marriage, would she still be aro if she has sexual attraction or has sex with her partner but doesn’t like her partner in a romantic way

Of course you don’t speak for all aro people but I feel like you understand various perspectives and could help me? No pressure again, Ty! Sorry if this was confusing

Hello!

Yes, of course she would still be aromantic if she were sexually attracted to a partner. There is unfortunately still confusion between asexual and aromantic: asexual is a person who does not feel sexual attraction, aromantic is one who doesn't feel romantic attraction. Many people are aroace, so both, but there are many asexual people who feel romantic attraction, and in turn many aromantic people who feel sexual attraction (including yours truly).

You can totally write an aromantic character who feels sexual attraction, and in fact a lot of alloaros (allosexual aromantics) will probably thank you for it. And yes, platonic marriages are also a thing. If your aromantic character is partnering, aka likes the idea of having a relationship, she might very well see a person that she likes as a friend and also finds sexually attractive and think, “hm, sure, why not marry them, we get tax benefits” or something of the sorts.

#ask #anonymous #aromantic

[aro-and-tired]

This survey is about gray-asexuality and grayromanticism. Anyone is invited to take it, regardless of identity. The purpose of this survey is to investigate perspectives on these identities and how they are understood.

Click here to take the survey. It will remain open until September 15th.

Questions about the survey can be asked in the comments on wordpress (no account required) or via this contact form.

#signal boost #greyromantic #greysexual #survey

[aro-and-tired]

Why I’m romo aro, NOT greyromantic.

We all know the push at the start of last year. We wanted to be recognized. We wanted to be talked about. We wanted to be taken seriously. We helped change the popular definition of aromantic to be “little to no romantic attraction” to include more people. But at the beginning of last year, there was another push. A push to push aros who have romantic attraction out of their labels. 

It started off pretty small. Individuals getting sick and tired of “aros and arospecs” but getting told they were using arospec wrong when they claimed this identity for themselves. “Arospec is for anyone who is on the aromantic spectrum! Including aromantic people!” Then why are you calling us that. Then why are you using it to distance us from your community.

I am using that word because you called us that, to make us seem like we aren’t one of you. You gave us a label, thank you. But also, fuck you for trying to take it away. I get told again I can’t use it that way. I give up, I have no label, and I feel isolated. 

Thanks, aros. 

The argument continues. I call myself aro. I get told that the word only means no attraction ever. I get told it’s not my word. It’s not my word. I get told I don’t belong under that identity. I get told to use arospec. I dont want to use arospec, you told me I was using it wrong. I start hearing things you dont realize you are saying. 

“Arospec is for the whole community, use that if you want to talk about the community as a whole. You aren’t aro. Don’t call yourself that. Aro is not an umbrella term, and arospec doesn’t mean you. It’s not your word. You have no language. The common language we use to refer to ourselves and you isn’t for you. It’s not yours. You can’t call yourself what we’re calling you, and you can’t use the only word we use to talk about the community.”

Again, I have no label, I feel isolated. But this time, I get angry. I get PISSED. I stand my ground, and I defend us. I flip the script, aros get pissed, and then…  And then. The post. The damn fucking post.

A word lost to discourse: greyromantic. “This is what you are.” This damn post was sent to me every time I talked about being shoved out of the aromantic community. “Look! There is a word for you!” This damn post was sent to me every time I talked about being told my language was wrong. “You can use this word instead! No need to use ours.” This damn post was sent to me any time I brought up the treatment of partnering and sometimes-romo aros. “Why don’t you just use this word instead? See? We’re listening to and supporting you.” This damn post was used again and again and again by people who HAVE NO PLACE to tell me what my identity can be. 

This post specifically was used to talk over me. This post was used to silence my voice. OUR voices. This post was used, primarily by aros who have never experienced romantic attraction, primarily by aros who will never fall under this umbrella, to tell me what I am. To tell me what I can and cannot be. To tell me that my language was wrong and I cannot use the language I had been using for myself. 

and I won’t fucking use that label.

So what labels do I use? What label do I like? Why do I like them?

I go by romo aro. It was a private word me and my microcommunity had been using this whole time, that by the end I started promoting and making content for. This is my favorite and preferred label, because it can cover anyone who fits outside of the stereotypical aro alignment. Sometimes-romo, romo favorable, partnering, polyaff/polyam, queerplatonic aros, aros who enjoy romo content. and Anyone who would’ve been shoved under that “arospec” umbrella instead of aro. This word is inclusive, this word is radical, and this word can mean me, no matter what that means for me in that moment.

I use this word mostly because it is the only label that no one else forced onto me, and I will never force it onto anyone else. I prefer it because it is, and always has been, mine. I always had a choice, and it never belonged to anyone else. This word is mine, and I will not let anyone take it away from me.

I also use aro. While people kept arguing against me, for I while I just dropped talking about my identity as a romo aro altogether. I went by aro because it was easier and because it can be an umbrella term. The definition started shifting to mean “little to no romantic attraction” and I am forever grateful. This is a word I’ll keep, because no one forced it on me, and because people told me I couldn’t. Using this word was an act of defiance, and using this word was an act of belonging and assimilation. And now people recognize that this word can also belong to me.

And finally… I use arospec. It took me months (and by months i mean about 7 to be able to comfortably use it again) but this word was the first word I identified with. Public perception of this word has shifted, and people recognize that it can mean multiple things. People recognize that arospecs are allowed to talk about their experiences under this label, including how aros have wronged them. Slowly, people are able to recognize that this was a word used for aros to distance us from themselves, and that this was the first word a lot of us had. This word is a good label, and while it started as a reclamation, now it’s solid identity that people can recognize as being separate and different from the umbrella term. And that’s really really good. 

I want to say I don’t hate the creator of that post. I don’t hate aros and greyros. But you NEED to start listening to romo aros and arospecs. When we say something is hurting us, people need to believe us and learn to start recognizing damaging language. And there CANNOT be tolerance in the aromantic community for people who will talk over people- especially aromantic minorities. And the aromantic community as a whole HAS to shut down and learn to STOP telling people if their identity and label is valid or not. I HAVE to stop seeing people in my notifications saying that my words are wrong. It HAS to stop. There was a mass exodus of arospecs last year around this time. My whole microcommunity is gone, and a huge portion of the community is missing, with most aros not even noticing. We HAVE to fix things for them. We NEED to make sure that will never happen again. We NEED to make sure that arospecs of all sorts belong.

This community does not have the time or space or numbers to be exclusionary and perpetuating erasure. It’s needs to stop. It’s time to start listening to arospecs. It’s time to start respecting people who have long since been ignored. It’s time the aro community takes a stand with us. 

The aro community has grown, but it’s time to start doing more than what passive little it has recently learned to do. It’s time. Grow more. Take a stand.

#aromantic #romo aro #greyromantic #intracommunity issues

[aro-and-tired]

I’ve seen a lot of intersectional aromantic discussions this week (yay!), but not if you’re aromantic and disabled.

I’m aromantic and disabled. In one aspect, my disability is a relief as people stopped harassing me to pursue romance. That’s abeism saying disabled people shouldn’t perpetuate their genes and die out quicker. It’s also ableism saying alloromantic disabled people shouldn’t have full access to society. But, and this is a big but, society also expects romantic partners to look after disabled people for free so society doesn’t have to. As a disabled aromantic, I’m missing a huge support network, of a live in carer and an additional family. I can’t exchange romantic feelings for basic care because I don’t have those feelings to tender. Factor in the aro-phobia of living costs based on two people co-habiting (usually sharing a bed/room) and being unable to work and relying on state income - how am I supposed to afford a place to live?

Please look out for your aromantic and disabled friends. We don’t have the same social support network because society doesn’t want us. In society you’re expected to be productive with your labour, be it exploitation for wages or giving birth. I can’t do one and have no interest in the other. That found family trope you love so much in fiction? Apply it to aromantic people and disabled people in real life.

#aromantic #arophobia #ableism

[aro-and-tired]

I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

#amatonormativity

[aro-and-tired]

For Pride Month, we’d like to feature voices of aspec people too often left out of this month and our celebrations! So if you’re ace or aro and are straight, loveless, or don’t identify as queer, please get in touch!

You can DM us here or email us at [email protected] and let us know which article you’d be interested in contributing to. 

[ID: Call for Aspec Voices. We are looking for any ace-spectrum or aro-spectrum person who identifies with any of the following: Aspecs who don’t identify as queer –This includes aspecs who don’t identify with or feel included in the queer community for any reason. Loveless aspecs –This includes aspecs who reject, don’t identify with, or don’t experience the word love or the concept of it. Straight aspecs–This includes heterosexual and/or heteromantic ace-spectrum or aro-spectrum people, as well as aspecs who identify as hetero on any axis of attraction. We will be posting three separate articles to show that Pride Month is for all aspecs!

Call for Aspec Voices. Pride Month Aspec Voices! What: Contribute to an article by writing answers to our questions. Why: To showcase the variety of aspec experiences. How: DM or email us at [email protected]↵↵When: - Reach out by June 13 - Responses due by June 23 - Articles will be posted the last week of June. End ID.]

#aromantic #signal boost

[aro-and-tired]

A wonderful pride month to all my aromantic people!

#aromantic #pride month

[aro-and-tired]

Rachel writes about discovering the aromantic and asexual labels as she becomes middle aged. This piece has been written for the Carnival of Aros and the AUREA Book Project.

#aromantic #asexual

[aro-and-tired]

I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

#amatonormativity

[aro-and-tired]

Wow I sure vanished from this blog for a while didn’t I

Anyways I come back today with a thought about how... pointless it can be to try and clearly define the difference between some terms. In particular, how the eternal question of “just what is romantic attraction exactly” that every aro has asked at least once is unanswerable simply because it’s so subjective.

There more things out there with confusing limits and definitions than there are things with clear cut descriptions. Just think about a color gradient. If the gradient goes from red to green, how do you decide where the line is between red and green? People’s subjective ideas change, and then there are also objective differences in how different people perceive colors, or how the colors may show up on different screens.

Just as the confusions exist between something external like colors or other concepts and objects, it exists for human feelings and emotions. In fact, it’s reasonable to expect that nothing in the world is as confusing as what goes on inside people’s heads.

So... how can you give a single, universal definition for romantic attraction? Describing feelings is inherently complicated to begin with. There are allo people for whom romantic and sexual attraction are intertwined and hard to separate, and then there are allo people for whom the two things are easy to consider independently. I’ve seen people define romantic attraction as wanting to do “romantic things” with a specific person, but what those romantic things are is fundamentally subjective. There are also people who are fundamentally unromantic and don’t like nor want very romantic gestures, but nonetheless feel romantic love for others. Some people see kissing others as romantic, some see it as sexual, some see it as both, some don’t inherently see it as either. And then we have cultural differences between what is or isn’t romantic, people in different parts of the world have different ideas about romantic love, and that of course will influence how they feel.

Now, I understand why people want to know how to recognize romantic attraction, especially people who question being aromantic. It’s a very legitimate question. I myself would very much like to figure it out one day or the other.

But I also think that sometimes, one should just go with whatever feels most attractive (ha) to them. You are unsure whether or not you feel romantic attraction or not, but you relate to some experiences of aromanticism and think you would find home in the community? Do identify as aro then. Or as arospec, identities like quoiromantic exist just for people with that confusion. Worst thing that can happen, you’re going to change your label somewhere down the line, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

#aromantic

[aro-and-tired]

on being your own aromantic role model

This post of mine is suddenly blowing up for whatever reason, and I had honestly forgotten I wrote it waaay back in February 2018. I was a whole baby in my freshman year of college, and in some ways I am still a whole baby which is going to make this next post seem really disingenuous and retroactively funny in four more years, but things are a lot different now and I want people who see that post of mine to know that hey!! It isn't all bad and scary and confusing forever!!! And ironically I've been making much more deeply personal posts lately, so I thought I might as well.

Many truths from 2018 remain truths in 2022. Yes, the aro community is still relatively small and fledgling compared to other queer communities. Yes, we are still relatively invisible and don't have much documentation on our history (after all, it's not as though a generation has passed). Yes, our representation in media and in the public eye still leaves very much to be desired. And all of those things (visibility, history, representation) are still things we have to build for ourselves, and ARE building for ourselves, step by step.

But I am four years older and four years wiser and two years fist-deep in "graduating into a pandemic" early-twenties life and I also know this to be true: For all that aro adulthood is often weird and difficult, it is also deeply, deeply freeing.

Often, I am met with a chilling uncertainty in my life. Despite the aromanticism of it all, these days this just makes me ordinary, I think. I often worry about the too-quiet of empty houses, of familial disappointment, of being left behind, of running out of Life Milestones to check off a list of "ways to make people proud of me." I am permanently single, unmarried, child-free, openly aro, and living with two roommates who are on the cusp of getting married (to each other). I am hurtling towards an eventual age where those aspects of my life are no longer understandable or quirky and instead become disappointing, confusing, or alarming to people in my life and in my roommates' lives. I am curating a life for myself on shaky ground, knowing that home is a thing I have built for myself and will inevitably have to build for myself again some day, over and over. I am not unique in these problems, but I often feel profoundly unique in their cause, as the haze of uncertainty hovering over a future with no predetermined path or destination makes an attempt at striving for anything feel futile at times.

But other times, when my mind is kinder to me, I am met with a startling clarity that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that I am unbelievably lucky to be who I am, and that my aromanticism is a priceless gift.

Four years ago, I was deeply closeted and lonely and confused and hopelessly 19. I have since graduated, gotten a job, moved more than once, etc. etc. and despite everything I am content. I still don't know what I'm reaching for in life, or how to make those good things last. I still don't know what I SHOULD be doing with my life, as there's still no real cultural framework for life as an aro adult, in any of the many, many forms it may take. But little by little, choosing gets easier. Your life, your future, is something you have to forge for yourself. You HAVE to, aro or not, and the gift of being aro is how quickly you realize that there are no rules. The clock's all zeroes, and the only step you have to worry about taking is the next one, day by day. You have to take control of your own future, and you have to talk about it, with other aros and with people in your life. I talked about this before when discussing Koisenu Futari, but you really do have to build your own castle. You don't have to make yourself small or force yourself into a new box that's just as restrictive as the old ones. You have to create the life you want to live for yourself. You get to decide what that means.

There is an inherent freedom to aromanticism, and no matter what anyone says, the only person who can decide what makes you happy is you. So find out what makes you happy and choose it, on purpose. I am not saying that it's easy or that the infinite barriers in life (aro-related or otherwise) do not exist. What I am saying is that you don't just have to wait to be someone else's future aro role model, you can be your own aro role model. Sometimes, this will be hard. There will be moments of struggle, of darkness. But there will also be light again, and life will fall into place, and you will feel so, so warm when it does.

#aromantic #aro experiences

[aro-and-tired]

Survey results: Sexual dynamics preferences in the aromantic community

First of all, I apologize it took me so long to publish the results. Various others things came up, and there were more write in questions than I usually put in my surveys, so it took me longer to analyze.

I made this survey to find trends in the aromantic community regarding preferences when it comes to sexual relationships. A total of 816 people took part in it. As most questions weren’t mandatory, not everyone answered every question. The survey was split in three main parts: a demographics part, a personal experiences and preferences part (itself divided in three sections, one for people with previous sexual experience, one for people without, and one for people who preferred not to disclose), and a last part asking some opinions about aromanticism and sexuality.

This will be a very long post, with a lot of numbers. There will be a summary of the results at the end of the post.

Demographic questions

Question 1: How old are you?

18-20 - 40.8%

20-25 - 38.6%

26-30 - 14.1%

31-35 - 3.7%

36-40 - 2%

41-45 - 0.6% (five people)

46-50 - 0.1% (one person)

51-55 - 0.1% (one person)

Question 2: Which of the following do you most identify with?

Allosexual Aromantic - 32.2%

Aroace - 31.4%

Oriented or Angled Aroace - 11%

Non-SAM Aro or Just Aro - 10.2%

Questioning - 6.4%

I don’t identify with any of these - 5.3%

Aromid - 3.6%

Question 3: Which arospec identities do you identify with?

Aromantic - 81.3%

Arospec - 39.5%

Greyromantic - 17.8%

Quoiromantic or WTFromantic - 15.4%

Demiromantic - 13.1%

Questioning - 11%

Aroqueer - 9.3%

Aroflux - 9.1%

Cupioromantic - 6.7%

Aegoromantic - 6.4%

Lithromantic or Akoiromantic - 4%

Nebularomantic - 3.9%

Bellusromantic - 3.1%

Apothiromantic - 2.2%

Arospike - 1.7%

Reciproromantic - 1.1%

Freyromantic - 1%

Participants could also add their own orientations in an others section. Out of the commonly mentioned orientations, the most common ones were queer, fictoromantic, loveless aro, and romo aro.

Question 4: How would you describe your sexual orientation?

Queer - 43.4%

Asexual - 42.8%

Bisexual - 28.9%

Greysexual - 12.5%

Allosexual - 11.9%

Gay (man) - 10.3%

Pansexual - 10%

Other asexual spectrum identities - 8.9%

Demisexual - 8.8%

I do not label my sexual orientation - 8.6%

Questioning - 7.5%

Lesbian - 7.4%

Other mspec identities - 4.3%

Enbian or other nblnb label - 3.4%

Heterosexual - 3.4%

Polysexual - 2.7%

Toric or other nblm label - 2.6%

Trixic or other nblw label - 2.5%

Here too participants could specify other labels. Out of the ones that were submitted, the most common were aegosexual, fictosexual, abrosexual, multisexual, and omnisexual.

Question 5: Do you experience sexual attraction?

Yes - 45.1%

No - 29.7%

I don’t know - 24.3%

Prefer not to say - 1%

Question 6: What are your general feelings on sex?

Very favorable - I very much enjoy sex, or I absolutely want to try it in the future - 25.5%

Moderately favorable - I like sex, or I would like to try it in the future - 28.6%

Indifferent - I don't have strong feelings regarding sex either way - 11.8%

Moderately repulsed - I don't like sex, or I wouldn't want to try it in the future - 9.3%

Very repulsed - I very much dislike sex, or I absolutely do not want to try in the future - 4.2%

It's too complicated to be summed up in these options - 19.6%

I don't know - 1.1%

Sexual experiences

Have you ever had a sexual encounter before?

No - 49.1%

Yes - 45.8%

Prefer not to say - 5%

Before continuing, I would like to point out that the demographics of the survey very likely influenced this specific results. Regardless of any other factor at play, younger people are less likely to have had sexual encounters for no other reason than being less likely to have ended up in the right situations. For reference, if we consider the age group 25 and younger, which make up more than 3/4ths of the total participants, 40.3% said they have had past sexual encounters. If we consider the far less represented 26 and older group then we have that 67.3% had past sexual encounters.

Depending on how people answered this question, they were redirected to different subsections. I will list results for each subsection separately. Afterwards, I will make comparisons between the questions that were common to all the subsections.

Has previous sexual experience: yes

Question 1: How many sexual partners have you had in your life?

1-2 - 54.7%

3-4 - 19%

5-7 - 8.6%

8-10 - 2.4%

More than 10 - 11.5%

Prefer not to say - 3.8%

Question 2: Do you prefer to have committed, long term sexual partners or occasional ones?

I prefer committed partners - 42.3%

It makes no difference - 35.8%

I prefer occasional partners - 13.7%

I dislike both - 8.2%

Question 3: Do you prefer open or closed sexual relationships?

I prefer open relationships where I can look for additional partner(s) - 24.3%

It makes no difference - 22.4%

I prefer open relationships, but I would be willing to be in an exclusive relationship if my partner(s) wanted  - 16.7%

I prefer closed relationships with one or more exclusive partners  - 15.9%

I prefer closed relationships, but I would be willing to be in an open relationship if my partner(s) wanted - 14.8%

I dislike both - 5.9%

Question 4: Which kinds of relationships do you know you enjoy with a sexual partner (because you have had experience with one)?

Friends with benefits - 46%

Queerplatonic relationships - 37.7%

Romantic relationships - 35.7%

Kink based relationships - 27.1%

Sexual partners with no other relationship - 19.7%

One night stands - 17.7%

None of these - 15.2%

Participants could also add other forms of relationships that they enjoy. Relationships mentioned were alterous relationships, soft romo, querrelational, paid sexual relationships, and emotionally intimate relationships regardless of the context.

Question 5: Which kinds of relationships do you know you do not enjoy with a sexual partner (because you have had one in the past or imagine it wouldn't suit you)?

One night stands - 46.3%

Romantic relationships - 46%

Sexual partners with no other relationships - 37.7%

Kink based relationships - 17.7%

Friends with benefits - 16.9%

None of these - 15.8%

Queerplatonic relationships - 13%

Other relationships some participants disliked include monogamous relationships (romantic or in general), anything involving strangers, and sex work.

Question 6: Which kinds of relationships do you think you would enjoy with a sexual partner (because you haven't been in one, but would like to try)?

Queerplatonic relationships - 45.4%

Kink based relationships - 37.7%

Friends with benefits - 34.9%

Sexual partners with no other relationships - 22.6%

One night stands - 20.3%

None of these - 18.6%

Romantic relationships - 9.1%

Someone mentioned they would be interested in full time kink.

Question 7: If you had the chance, would you prefer to have other aromantic people as your sexual partners rather than alloromantic people?

Yes - 37.4%

No, it doesn’t matter - 35%

I don’t know - 17.9%

I don’t want any future sexual partners - 7%

No, I would prefer alloromantic partners - 2.7%

Question 8: Have you ever disclosed the fact that you are aromantic to a sexual partner?

No, never - 36.7%

Yes, to some of them - 35.4%

Yes, to all of them - 27.9%

Question 9: If you answered yes to the previous question, how did they react?

This was a write in question, and people were fairly divided on what they said.

Some people said that their partners reacted in ways that were neutral to positive. This was especially the case if their partner was also aro. Some people who were in a romantic relationship continued that relationship, or changed it somewhat but didn’t break up.Some partners didn’t know what aromanticism was, and were more or less supportive upon learning about it. Other times, partners didn’t mind the person’s aromanticism since they weren’t looking for a committed relationship in the first place.

Other people said their partners had negative reactions. Some ended up breaking up due to their aromanticism, even if at times the partner said that wasn’t the reason. Some people were told fairly hurtful and/or arophobic things by their partners, the details of which I prefer not to detail. At times people were supportive of an aromantic identity at first, but that acceptance decreased with time.

Some people also said that some of their partners reacted positively and others negatively. Including some specifically mentioning that when they had partners who were also aro, their reactions were positive, but their alloromantic partners more often reacted negatively. It’s hard to get definite numbers over write in questions, but there was about a 50/50 split between partners whose reaction was positive or confused but supportive, and partners whose reaction was negative or dismissing.

There were also cases where a partner knew of the person’s aromanticism long before they got in a relationship, so it wasn’t an issue. There were also times when a person only told their former partners after their relationship ended, so their former partner’s reaction wasn’t too relevant to their current relationship.

Has previous sexual experience: no

Question 1: Would you like to engage in sexual acts in the future?

Yes - 45.4%

I don’t know - 35.7%

No - 19%

Question 2: If you think about the kind of sexual relationships you would like to have, would you prefer committed, long term partners or occasional ones?

I would prefer committed partners - 43.2%

It makes no difference - 22%

I would prefer occasional partners - 19.2%

I would dislike both - 15.6%

Question 3: If you think about the kind of sexual relationships you would like to have, would you prefer open or closed relationships?

It makes no difference - 24%

I would prefer open relationships, but I would be willing to be in an exclusive relationship if my partner(s) wanted  - 17.4%

I would prefer open relationships where I can look for additional partner(s) - 17.1%

I would prefer closed relationships, but I would be willing to be in an open relationship if my partner(s) wanted - 15.1%

I would dislike both - 15.1%

I would prefer closed relationships with one or more exclusive partners  - 11.3%

Question 4: Which kinds of relationships do you think you would like to have with a sexual partner? 

Queerplatonic relationship - 63%

Friends with benefits - 56.2%

Kink based relationships - 28.5%

Sexual partners with no other relationships - 24.9%

Romantic relationships - 24.2%

One night stands - 17.1%

None of these - 12.3%

Some people said they would like polyamorous relationships, alterous relationships, or sex work. Some specified they would prefer non sexual kink, or that they are alright with sex if their partner(s) wanted but don’t personally have an interest in it.

Question 5: Which kinds of relationships do you think you would be opposed to having with a sexual partner?

One night stands - 54%

Romantic relationships - 47.8%

Sexual partners with no other relationships - 41.4%

Kink based relationships - 27.5%

Friends with benefits - 19.5%

Queerplatonic relationships - 14.4%

None of these - 10.8%

Some people said they specifically don’t want commitment, or that they wouldn’t want to share a house with their partner.

Question 6: If you had the chance, would you prefer to have other aromantic people as your sexual partners rather than alloromantic people?

Yes - 42.4%

No, it doesn’t matter - 22.8%

I don’t know - 19.5%

I don’t want any future sexual partner - 14.5%

No, I would prefer alloromantic partners - 0.8%

Question 7: Do you think the fact that you are aromantic is part of the reason you have not had a sexual encounter before?

Yes - 52.1%

No - 27.2%

I don’t know - 20.7%

Question 8: If you answered yes to the previous question, could you elaborate? 

The main reason people mentioned is that if they were alloromantic, they would have probably looked for a romantic relationship already, and that often includes sex. As they aren’t interested in dating, that decreases their chances. This is particularly relevant to people who also aren’t interested in hook ups and/or would prefer their first time to be with someone they know and trust. Friends with benefits is also not a possibility for many people, either because they don’t trust the other person not to develop feelings for them, because they are afraid of rejection if they were to ask a friend, or because they are aplatonic.

Intersection with other identities was also mentioned. For example, some afab people mentioned how society pushes them to find romantic relationships and not have casual sex, and that they feel it would be easier for them to find a sexual partner if they were a cis man.

Some people said that they have a hard time finding someone who wants to have sex with them, as many people hear aromantic and are less interested in any form of relationship. This is especially relevant to aroace people, as many people avoid seeking out sexual relationships with asexual people too. Furthermore, those aros who do want a romantic relationship are often turned down when others find out about their aromanticism.

There’s also people who are themselves not particularly interested in sex (be it because of low libido or because they are on the asexual spectrum) and don’t feel like putting in the effort to seek it out, and since they never had a relationship the matter of sex just never came up. This was particularly relevant by people who identify as non-SAM aro or non-SAM ace, or otherwise feel that their aromanticism and asexuality cannot be separated.

Someone mentioned how being repulsed to specific acts like kissing also leads to having a harder time when it comes to sex, as kissing is expected to be part of it.

Have previous sexual experience: prefer not to say

**note** I’m sharing the results of this section for completedness, but as only 41 people completed this section these results aren’t particularly statistically relevant

Question 1: If you think about the kind of sexual relationships you would like to have, would you prefer committed, long term partners or occasional ones?

I would prefer committed partners - 34.1%

It makes no difference - 29.3%

I would prefer occasional partners - 24.4%

I would dislike both - 12.2%

Question 2: If you think about the kind of sexual relationships you would like to have, would you prefer open or closed relationships?

I would prefer open relationships where I can look for additional partner(s) - 31.7%

I would prefer closed relationships, but I would be willing to be in an open relationship if my partner(s) wanted - 19.5%

It makes no difference - 17.1%

I would dislike both - 17.1%

I would prefer closed relationships with one or more exclusive partners  - 9.8%

I would prefer open relationships, but I would be willing to be in an exclusive relationship if my partner(s) wanted  - 4.9%

Question 3: Which kinds of relationships do you think you would like to have with a sexual partner?

Friends with benefits - 70%

Queerplatonic relationships - 67.5%

Kink based relationships - 42.5%

Sexual partners with no other relationship - 40%

Romantic relationships - 25%

One night stands - 17.5%

None of these - 2%

Someone also added sex work.

Question 4: Which kinds of relationships do you think you would be opposed to having with a sexual partner? 

Romantic relationships - 65.8%

One night stands - 47.4%

Sexual partners with no other relationships - 34.2%

Queerplatonic relationships - 21.1%

Kink based relationships - 21.1%

Friends with benefits - 18.4%

Question 5: If you had the chance, would you prefer to have other aromantic people as your sexual partners rather than alloromantic people?

Yes - 46.3%

No, it doesn’t matter - 31.7%

I don’t want any future sexual partner - 12.2%

I don’t know - 9.8%

Section comparisons

I have decided to do the comparisons between people who have previous sexual experience and those who do not. Since the sample size for the prefer not to say subsection was small, I have decided not to include a comparison with it.

When it comes to whether people would prefer committed or occasional partners, both groups as a whole preferred committed partners and roughly with the same percentage. More of the people who have had previous experiences say it makes no difference (35.8% vs 22%). On the other hand, more of the people who do not have previous experiences say they would prefer occasional partners (19.2% vs 13.7%) and that they would like no future sexual partner at all (15.6% vs 8.2%).

When it comes to whether people prefer closed or open relationships, more of the people with previous sexual experience say they prefer open relationships (24.3% vs 11.3%), while more of the people who don’t have previous sexual experience say they wouldn’t like either kind of relationship (15.1% vs 8.9%). As for the other percentages, they were very similar, with a small majority of people saying it doesn’t matter, and the others roughly even split between the other options.

As for the relationships people enjoy or would enjoy, comparisons get a little complicated as the people who had previous experience where asked both about what they enjoy and what they think the would enjoy in separate questions, while people who do not have previous experience where only asked what they think they would enjoy. I’ve done a bits of maths to put together the two answers for the subsection with previous experience. I calculated a total percentage for the section with previous experience over both questions, and the end results are as follows:

friends with benefits was the most liked/desired relationship in the group with previous experience (45.7%), and the second most desired in the group without previous experience (56.2%);

queerplatonic relationships were the most desired relationship in the group with no previous experience (63%), and the second most liked/desired in the group with previous experience (36.2%);

both groups had kink relationships as the third most liked/desired, although more so by the group with previous experience (32.3%) than from that with no previous experience (28.5%);

romantic relationships were the fourth most liked/desired by the group with previous experience (22.6%) and the fifth by the group with no previous experience (24.2%);

sexual partners with no other relationships was very close with romantic relationships in both groups, being fourth most wanted in the group with no previous experience (24.9%) and fifth in the group with previous experience (21.1%), with a very small distance from romantic relationships in both cases;

one night stands were the least desired relationship by both groups, with very similar percentages (19% and 17.1%).

When it comes instead to relationships that aren’t liked/desired, comparisons were easier to make, and the differences are:

one night stands are the least liked/desired in both groups (46.3% in those with previous experience, and 54% by those without experience);

romantic relationships follow in both groups with similar percentages (46% and 47.8%);

sexual partners with no other relationships is third least liked/desired again in both groups, although more disliked by those with no previous experience (41.4%), than by those who have it (37.7%);

on the other hand, kink relationships where fourth most disliked in both groups, but more so by the group without previous experience (27.5%) than by those with previous experience (17.7%);

friends with benefits were fifth least liked/wanted, disliked by 16.9% of those with previous experience and 19.5% of those without it;

lastly we have queerplatonic relationships, with very similar percentages (13% and 14.4%).

The “none of these” options was ignored in both analysis as I considered it too complex to factor it in the cumulative analysis of the relationships people like. In general, it seems the group with previous experience feels on average a little more interested in less committed relationships (one night stands, sexual partners with no other relationships) while the group without previous experience is more interested in long term relationships (queerplatonic relationships, friends with benefits). This is coherent with the comments left by people who talked about how being aromantic made it harder for them to find a sexual partner since they don’t like hook ups and would prefer a partner they are emotionally close to. Feelings regarding romantic relationships instead were very similar.

Lastly, both groups had a small majority of people who would prefer to have aromantic sexual partners, although this majority was larger in the group with no previous experience (42.4% vs 37.4%). The people with no previous experience also had a larger percentage of people who don’t desire future sexual partners (14.5% vs 7%), which apparently leads to a lower percentage of people who don’t care either way (22.8% vs 35%). In both cases, people who wanted alloromantic partners were a minority.

Personal experiences and discrimination

These last questions were in common for everyone.

Question 1: Do you think being aromantic makes looking for a sexual partner easier or harder?

Being aromantic makes it harder to look for a sexual partner - 47.2%

I don’t know - 39.5%

Being aromantic has no influence on this - 11.3%

Being aromantic makes it easier to look for a sexual partner - 2%

Question 2: Would you like to elaborate on the previous question?

Many people who believe being aromantic makes it harder to find a partner echoed similar sentiments to those people who didn’t have sexual encounters so far and believed their aromanticism is partially reason for it. Many potential partners do not understand or respect aromanticism, it’s hard to find a sexual partner who doesn’t want a romantic relationship, people who desire sex without a romantic relationship are often judged negatively, and it’s not always easy to find safe one night stands.

Some people have said being aromantic specifically makes it harder to find a long term partner, while it has no influence if you’re looking for one night stands. Other people instead said that for them being aromantic comes with a series of boundaries that are too complex to explain to a casual partner.

On the other hand, people who say being aromantic makes it easier for them to find a partner say that as they know exactly what forms of relationships they want it’s easy for them to exclude potential partners who wouldn’t respect them or their identity.

Some people have stated that since they prefer one night stands and casual partners they don’t have the risk of catching feelings for their partners, which makes it easier for them to find compatible people.

Question 3: Have you ever seen or heard someone say that wanting sex without romance is inherently sexually predatory?

Yes - 77.1%

No - 15.8%

I don’t know - 7.2%

Question 4: Have you ever seen or heard someone say that alloaros or other aros interested in sex are inherently sexually predatory?

Yes - 54.6%

No - 31.5%

I don’t know - 13.9%

Question 5: Has being aromantic influenced how you feel about your sexual attraction or desires?

Yes, being aromantic has made me view my sexual attraction/desires in a better way - 32%

I don’t know - 30%

No - 23.5%

Yes, being aromantic has made me view my sexual attraction/desires in a worse way - 14.5%

Question 5: If you picked one of the yes options in the previous question, would you like to elaborate?

Out of those who said being aromantic makes them view their desires in a better way, many says that knowing they are aromantic has made them more confident in themselves and what they want. Some also said that being aromantic has made them self-analyze far more than what they feel is average, giving them a better understanding of their feelings. Some people said that it’s easier for them to understand their sexual attraction and desires now that they don’t try to connect it to romance.

Various people said that being aromantic has helped them get over certain kinds of stigma against sex in general, non-romantic sex, or kinky sex in particular. They have also said that they now see better how sex can be a wonderful way to connect emotionally with people, without necessarily dragging romance into it.

Some people in particular were ashamed or disturbed by the way they felt before knowing they were aromantic, thinking that they were predatory or broken for experiencing sexual attraction without accompanying romantic attraction. They now don’t feel that shame anymore, as they know it’s a normal experience to have.

There’s many aroace people who believe that being aromantic made them see their sexuality better. On one hand, aroace people who also interested in sex say being aromantic has made them better accept the fact that they can want sex without feeling attraction. On the other, those who are less interested in sex say being aromantic has also helped them accept the fact that it’s alright not to want sex or to not have had sex yet by a certain age. Some aroace people said that they are relived to be both aromantic and asexual because they think trying to navigate a romantic relationship while asexual would be too complicated.

Out of the people who instead find their aromanticism makes them view their sexual desires and attraction in a worse way, various people cited how wanting sex without romance is stigmatized in society. Some people feel in general guilty about having sexual thoughts, worrying that the other people may see them as predatory for them.

A lot of people expressing these feelings mentioned how it intersected with their other queer/LGBTQ+ identities, saying that there’s a lot of pressure to be pure lately when you belong to this community. There were in particular various sapphic people who struggle with feeling sexual attraction to women without romance, and bisexual people who worried that being alloaro makes them play into the promiscuous bisexual stereotype. There were also multiple transmasculine people, both exclusively attracted to men and exclusively attracted to women, who struggle with feeling predatory due to their lack of romantic attraction (note: I say transmasculine because all people who left these comments specified being transmasculine, I don’t have data on transfeminine and transneutral people’s feelings).

Some people also talked about how the intersection between being arospec and POC gives them particular struggles due to how racism influences the way POC’s sexuality is seen.

Also, some people connected their negative feelings to the issues discussed above, where being aromantic makes it harder to find a sexual partner. They think that if they weren’t aromantic they may be able to find partners more easily.

Additional comments

There were various points in the survey where people could leave additional comments.

Some people said that being aromantic played a role in past break ups, or that they prefer not to share their aromanticism with their current partners for fear of causing issues in their relationships.

A few people mentioned that they feel their aromanticism takes precedence over their other identities. On the other hand, some people found that some of their other identities or past experiences have a bigger influence on the matters discussed in the survey than their aromanticism.

Many people talked about how sex is a complicated matter for them, in that they enjoy it in theory, but they don’t know if they would actually want it in real life or they don’t know if their fantasies are what they actually want or just what they enjoy in fiction.

Some said that they aren’t actively looking for sex, but wouldn’t mind doing it if someone offered in the right circumstances. In alternative, some said they may be open to attempting sex, but aren’t interested in making it a regular thing. Some also said they prefer to deal with their sexual urges on their own, while looking for a sexual partner would be more of a bother.

A couple people mentioned that they would be interested in non-sexual kink more than sex itself. Also, some people said that in the past they have found the kink community particularly friendly to aromantic people.

Conclusions

The survey participants tended to skew young (group 25 years and younger > 75%), with a higher percentage of aroallo people compared to other surveys on the aromantic community. Most identified with queer, asexual or acespec, and other LGBTQ+/queer identities, with heterosexual people being a minority. The majority of people who participated was either some degree of sex favorable, or didn’t think terms such as favorable/neutral/repulsed were enough to describe their feelings about sex. About half had not had a sexual encounter before, while a little less than half said they had at least one in the past.

For both groups, people tend to want or prefer committed sexual partners more than casual partners. Both groups also had a majority of people who prefer open relationships or don’t care about whether they are in an open or closed relationship. The most desired and least disliked relationships by both groups are queerplatonic relationships, friends with benefits, and kink based relationships. One night stands were both the least wanted and most disliked type of relationship by both groups. Sexual partners with no other relationships was also less popular than some other relationships. For both groups, less than a fourth of participants said they wanted a romantic relationship, and nearly half said they instead dislike them. The group with previous sexual experience seems moderately more favorable to less committed relationships.

There is also a general tendency of aromantic people to prefer aromantic sexual partners. Half of the people who do not have previous sexual experience said that their aromanticism is part of the reason they haven’t had sexual encounters so far, due to their aromanticism making it harder to find non-romantic partners for them. When it comes to people who do have previous sexual experience, out of the people who shared their aromanticism with previous partners, there was about a 50/50 split between people who said their partners were supportive and those who said their partners reacted badly.

In general, about half the people who participated said that finding a sexual partner while aromantic is harder, mainly because a lot of alloromantic people aren’t interested in non-romantic sexual partnership. More than 75% heard that people who want sex without romance are sexually predatory, and more than 50% hard that aromantic people who want sex in particular are sexually predatory.

About one third of participants said being aromantic makes them view their sexual desires in a better way. This includes both people who experience sexual attraction and aroace people, with many saying they feel more confident about their attraction/desires or lack thereof. About 15% on the other hand said their aromanticism makes them view their sexual desires in a worse way, usually due to shame or feeling predatory. This is particularly common between people who are otherwise members of the queer/LGBTQ+ community, and among people of color.

#survey results #aromantic #arospec #aroallo

[aro-and-tired]

Survey is officially closed! Thanks to everyone who participated!

I will work on publishing the results as soon as possible

Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.

Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.

What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.

What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.

The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.

> The link to the survey is here <

#survey

[aro-and-tired]

Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.

Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.

What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.

What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.

The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.

> The link to the survey is here <

#self rb #survey #last day!

[aro-and-tired]

Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.

Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.

What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.

What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.

The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.

> The link to the survey is here <

#self rb #survey

[aro-and-tired]

Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.

Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.

What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.

What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.

The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.

> The link to the survey is here <

#self rb #survey

[aro-and-tired]

Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.

Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.

What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.

What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.

The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.

> The link to the survey is here <

#self rb #survey