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What if the reasons fade on what you base loving me on
Would your love hold fast
I have a habit of pouring so much into souls
Leaving my own without
Hoping someone would see the pieces of me missing
I show you are worth the love you have been missing
But i am only reminded that i am the healer and never the healed
Walking around finding spare parts of life to fill the voids
Neglecting my wounds because i don’t want to hear them say
“I told you so”
So I wear a smile like makeup
Like pain never visited me in the depths of bosom and left marks only my soul can see
I use loving you hoping that if i love you hard enough and fill you with affections that would pour back into me
Wishing to awaken a 6th sense associated with loving me
Can you find me in my quiet and bring about sound
- Camille J.
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What if the reasons fade on what you base loving me on
Would your love hold fast
I have a habit of pouring so much into souls
Leaving my own without
Hoping someone would see the pieces of me missing
I show you are worth the love you have been missing
But i am only reminded that i am the healer and never the healed
Walking around finding spare parts of life to fill the voids
Neglecting my wounds because i don’t want to hear them say
“I told you so”
So I wear a smile like makeup
Like pain never visited me in the depths of bosom and left marks only my soul can see
I use loving you hoping that if i love you hard enough and fill you with affections that would pour back into me
Wishing to awaken a 6th sense associated with loving me
Can you find me in my quiet and bring about sound
- Camille J.
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Watch me
Learn me
Love me
Enough to not want to hurt me
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I mourned our relationship before it ended
Like i was waiting for the heartbreak to begin
I placed a tear in each stanza as i wrote this poetry
As i face the words that caused the most damage
I love you
Then i ponder what made it so hard to love me when it felt so easy to love you
But I’ve come to the conclusion loving me always ends in tragedy
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I loved that fantasy
It was so beautiful marrying you in my head that i forgot to live that reality.
& with each disappointment
I contemplate that perfection you once gave
You wanted everything you could never give
As i pulled my heartstring from your violin
Your tune never changed
I was never the audience of your affection
You were
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How do you compress a multi theme book and make into one thematically work? To make it all come together as one.
Find a general topic they all can relate to
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Something about i love you
How it gets twisted in your tongue
& loses meaning as you taste each syllable of the words
You say it doesn’t taste right but you like it
But i even as you say it correctly
It never sounds meant
But i want it
So i season it with parts of me
Hoping to reflect you
But I’m only falling in love with myself
Breaking my heart in the process because it was never how you felt
But it was something about i love you
How it came dressed in a cape
With a hole in its dressing
It was never meant to save me
But you were always my hero in a fairytale I’d never live
But as i let you go
I watch as you love another
Something about i love you
It felt right
Even if it was never meant for me
-Camille J.
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i have studied myself in the glass of a cracked mirror for so long that it seems i only recognize myself when i’m broken
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Confessions of the Unrequited
I was always your sure thing
Hoping you’d realize i was your true thing
But nothing could fix that bitter taste you’d get when “i love you” rolled off your tongue
How you could no longer look me in my eyes
Touching me made you regurgitate every feeling you ever had for me..
you held nothing down for me
So i reached for my affections
Telling you to “drink this”
But this medicine would never help
Thinking something was wrong
But you were never sick
So then i realized
there is no cure for “unloving you”
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“I hope you come to experience true loss, but most of all I hope next time you try you get it right”
To my almost lovers i hope all is well
I hope this finds you on your coldest night
When you least expect it
And sleep won’t find you
While you toss and turn in bed
As your stomach churns
With loneliness seeping into your bones
That my smile appears in your mind
Like those pesky pop ups
And my voice plays over and over like a cassette tape or a broken record
I hope you feel it
The agony of staring at the phone and wondering if I’ll ever call
Or should you
Typing a message and erasing it half way through
Because you’ve come to the realization it’s pointless
Seeing my face in every stranger and wondering what could have been
Whilst replaying every conversation we ever had
I hope you come to understand true loss
But most of all i hope next time you try
you get it right
- Kaesa C
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“i am both a healer and a harmer. i fix every person i can but at the end of the day i have no strength left to heal myself.”
— shelby leigh
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you are so much more than what has been done to you
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Diamond in the rough
If i show you the ugliest parts of me
Will you run and hide
Or will you look beneath the rubble and coal
To find the diamond and beauty of a mess
That even as I feel it’s not enough
You’ll make a diamond ring and use it to love me
-Camille J.
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Do you agree?
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“here i sit carving poems from pain like my tears are words and my fingers are blades”
— shelby leigh
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“Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.”
Kurt Vonnegut 
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Photo
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Artwork by me
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