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Social Phobia monster

There's a creature that follows me around. It calls itself Social Phobia, but it also goes by Social Anxiety. It's the child of Anixety-or more like an offshoot of it, like it came out of Anxiety's head like how Athena was born from Zeus-it is neither more nor less powerful than it's parent. it's different, but it's also the same.

Social Anxiety is a cunning creature, more cunning than Anxiety. Anxiety is a wild thing, lashing out at seemingly random times, but Social Anxiety knows how to play the game. It disguises itself as a friend and will let itself in. There's no controlling it, it'll just be there one day, starting off as small as a mouse, but it will grow rapidly for some.

You can try to starve it but it won't work. It whispers things until you are convinced it's true. "you're friends are talking about you. They don't like you. I heard them say you were stupid." "Your boss will fire you now. They don't even want to keep you. You're far too stupid to be here." "Your spouse will leave you. Maybe they're cheating on you, and your children, don't even get me started." And there are times you can drown out the noise, but there are times that you listen intently until you're driven insane. After this it may lay dormant for a while, but it's only hibernating, it's waiting for a weak point if there isn't one already, and if there is it'll continue once it feels like everything is happy and normal again.

Can you get rid of it? I really wish such a thing were possible. There's nothing you can do except breathe.

How can you be aware? I don't know that there is a way, dear reader, to be able to fight against such a beast would surely be a terrible thing. For we need this fear from this monster to keep us alive, our ancestors knew how to use it and control it.

It sounds dark and hopeless, I know, but do not fret. I am sure there's a way to coexist with such a beast, and slowly each person figures out their own way.

#anxiety sucks #social phobia #social anxiety #mental health #mentalheathawareness #mental heath support

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What feeds my anxiety monster.

I find it unfair how employers expect people to retain every piece of information that they don't put into practice on a daily basis.

For example: If I'm trained to work in both the kitchen and register, but I only work register for 9 months, how am I supposed to magically know how the kitchen rules work? I've never had to put these rules into practice until now, and now I'm in trouble.

And employers after this feel the need to tell you three times how bad your mistake is. I understood it the first time I cried. I don't need someone there to make my anxiety monster bigger.

#anxiety #stress #depression #mental health #work #mental disorder

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Little Random Trinkets

My random thought of the day: Women who live with mental disorders/disabilities deserve an Emmy with how well we mask our symptoms.

Carry on.

#random #thoughts #random thoughts #ADHD #asd

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The box we cannot fit

Social media has an unduly dark side: even in cases where you are not "anonymous" (and I hope you know you never truly are) we are quick to judge others in circumstances we could never truly understand.

To the normal person, the former duchess of Sussex, Meghan, has it all. She has money, a family, friends, and married to a prince, no less, and has no room to complain. After all, she knew what she was getting into, right?

To the person who is honest in saying they could never truly understand, however, we can see she truly never had a clue. She struggled with depression. She struggled to conform to the box that her personality just cannot fit into, a personality her husband fell in love with.

This doesn't just happen to Meghan either. It happens to everyone both known and unknown.

In a small community, coming from a middle-class family both pre- and post housing crash I was always told I had no room to complain. I had family, who had good jobs and money as well, but I still struggled with relationships. I struggled with being the outcast, struggled to recognize it (something I wish I still couldn't recognize), and I struggled with depression that I never confided in anyone. I struggled with bullying and sexual harassment as well. I wasn't beaten at home and everyone assumed I never fought with my family because I was so passive, but I fought with everyone because even they assumed I was being lazy, or stubborn(and sometimes I was). Nobody knew I was struggling with Aspergers until I was nearly 18, and by then the institutions-schools-had failed me in every possible way.

Yes I was well off. Yes, my parents never struggled to put food on the table. I was slowly suffocating, struggling to comprehend a world that I knew I would never fit into, because my personality, like Meghan, doesn't allow me to fit myself into someone else's box.

It's the silent struggles that are often the most suffocating.

#judgement #misunderstood #judging #british royal family #drama

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The small journeys

I think ADHD isn't always such a bad thing. Yes, my brain never sleeps. Yes, I'm always so exhausted that I can't get myself to accomplish things. Yes, the bigger the goal the longer and harder it'll be, but the journey to those points is always so worth it. I feel much more fulfilled than my neurotypical counterparts. Even the smallest journeys, like finishing homework, feel more like I've climbed the tallest mountains.

Now trying to recreate those accomplishments...that still needs work.

#adhd brain #adhd problems #journey #life #small things

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Journal of Dreams

I don’t even  know if anyone uses Tumblr anymore. Still, I needed a little place for myself. I guess Everyone does sometimes. I wanted somewhere I could leave a little piece of myself, a little mark, a little spark, and maybe this is the place, or maybe it isn’t. Either way is fine.

I see this place as a journal, not as a blogging site, somewhere I hope I can leave a little thought to whoever happens across this. 

Maybe I needed somewhere to ramble to when I feel I can’t go anywhere else.

Maybe I’m doing this because I secretly hope someone will find this and make me famous. Haha! Don’t we all at first when we join any social media site?

#dreams #peace #love #journey #journal