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you loved me once don't you remember? maybe you love me still but I can't remember im loved unless someone is shoving it down my throat, call that feeling object permanence, forgetting everyone whose important to me when they are behind closed doors, I remember when you loved me I thought it was something id never forget but memories of it feel more like recalling a distance daydream you can still feel it but the details slowly become more and more foggy. like the more time I spend without graced by your love the less, I can remember how my chest felt with your head placed upon it. I don't think you remember me, or you do but you don't want to. and maybe that's okay.
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me and you against the world, and you remind me of my worth when all I need is someone to be in my corner. You really are my best friend (You're the only man who can touch me without making me flinch.)
it was really like the old days you holding me as my heart breaks into you, like a cruel version of fate where I love everyone but you and you always pick up the pieces and make me feel better than stronger than anyone else ever can no matter how hard they try. (you really are some kind of soulmate for me.)
-for ever and always, us.
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i’ve seen a lot of these poetry comic things recently and they’ve been really inspiring me.
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an ode to moon song by phoebe bridgers
the strength it takes to look at you and not bring my hands to cup your cheeks is incredible. recently i’ve been utterly intrigued with the idea of falling asleep in your arms, your broad shoulders surrounding my plump body like the mist of a march morning. there was a time where we would look at the moon together and it felt like we were in love and now i cant tell if my daily “good morning” texts are encouraging or annoying and I don't think I’m strong enough to ask. They say don't ask questions you don't want answers to but i think my brain will keep turning over the idea of all the things we could be if i don’t ask you if you even kind of feel it when you look at me. recently i’ve been looking at the moon, like i always do comparing the fullness of the face of luna to the emptiness in my chest and fantatzing about you being here with me one last time, like im in some stupid romantic comedy. you talk about movies in acts like plays or musicals but about film, you blabber to me about the rising and falling action of a movie and i find myself wanting to kiss you. your passion for movies and music and metalworking has me begging some kind of higher power that you could share that passion with me, that you could wedge my name between the names of two directors you love and that I could fit right in. You see if i could give you the moon, i would. i’ve always used the night sky as a place of comfort somewhere I can go no matter where I am and find myself lost among the constellations. and here I am looking up at the night sky thinking about all the freckles on your face and how they remind of the big dipper and apollo and how your eyes shine so bright that they remind me of the moon, and how you put your arms around me for just a little bit longer than is acceptable for ‘just friends.’ and how even people who barely know us think you must like me because why would he look at you like that or make jokes about you or. but that doesn’t really matter when i dont really know how you feel but i feel like the depths of the ocean and the heights of the tallest waves and the chill of river water. I have feelings for you that are buring hot and freezing cold and everything in between but I don’t know if i will ever be able to tell you. they say don’t ask questions that you dont want answers to but do you feel it? when you look at me does your heart flutter too?
- “if i could give you the moon, i would give you the moon”
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06.18.20
02:05am
falling into the depths of you like jumping into the river water on a hot summers day, the whoosh of air around me as i plunge into the freezing water, i can almost hear the sizzle of my skin steaming away with the worries. knowing i know the smell of your conditioner more than i know my own name or the way your arm snakes up behind me to support my back before i even have the chance to ask you to move because i’m not particularly the most comfortable. the way i see things you care about and i think of you and a pun you might make if i sent it to you and i smile about you even when we aren’t talking and if that isn’t falling in love I don’t know what is?
it’s when i think about you diving head first into the ocean of me that i get hesitant, why would you risk the fall damnage of hitting the rocks on the bottom of the coast to dive into the ravines of my psyche? what about me is worthy of the deep sea adventure that is finding out my trauma and my faults and wanting to stay even though? wanting to help me grow? do you look into my eyes and see how much i love and feel the need to match it versus everyone else’s need to run away?
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04.27.20
02:49am
hearing your voice was very grounding awkwardly tripping over my words in your presence makes me feel awkward but not in a bad way, like nervous the way you pull me into your arms touches my soul. i wish you were here and i could still smell your hair.
is this going where I hope it’s going?
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04.13.20
08:24pm
all i can think about is the next time I see you, the next time i get to feel your arms around me. the awkward transition from how comfortable your skin feels against mine the environmental factors of our bodies awkwardly noticing each other’s bodies again.
will we fall into the same routines and awkward banter and prolonged eye contact all over again or will we need to build back into it?
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04.12.20
06:54pm
I’m scared of where I’ll be in a year all this change in the air has me choking on my own breath. the way things can just fall apart without any kind of warning is frankly terrifying especially as someone who depends on the sureness of routine. I miss you and movies in the lounge and late night denny’s trips and how it felt to feel like all my pieces were falling in place instead of falling apart. I haven't really felt like myself these days and maybe its because I’m not myself and maybe its because thee world is on pause and my life is son pause and idk when I will be pressing play and it feels like I’m anticipated for a drive but afraid of what’s around the next corner and idk who I will be when this is all over and if I will be different and if Ill hate myself for the changed I didn't make. I feel trapped.
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04.09.20
10:27pm
“miss you more”
do you? do you miss me like you wake up and you can only think about how your day will be filled with so many things and you won’t be able to see me? do you see other people or posts or words and think about me?
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04.08.20
02:01pm
the denny's booth is cold but your leg is warm next to mine and you keep messing with me under the table and your eyes are crystal blue and your smile is the most contagious thing in the world and your face is covered in freckles and answers to questions I’m not asking and I don’t know how to stop having romantic feelings for you when you grab the loose part of my jacket and pull me into you as if our bodies being anywhere but against one another’s is a crime.
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04.08.20
01:17pm
the sun sets over the ocean and for a moment everything is light orange, the sand, the breaks and his hair. and I’m starring off into the sky absorbing the beauty of the moment before the world turns dark. the sand between my tows feels like comfort and home and the brisk beach air surrounds me, kissing my cheeks and my calves.
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04.18.20
02:27pm
what if i’m the problem? i try not to entertain the idea too frequently because i could drown in it, the idea keep me being a hurricane that crashes through my love ones lives. my dark storm clouds covering the star lit skies of the purple who helped me drag myself up after the last wave knocked me on my ass. i try so hard not to be; spending so much time spreading sunlight to my friends that they can’t even recognize the warning signs,, the sound of the hurricane sirens. they think i’m stressed about school. how do you tell the people that you love that you’re in a constant battle with the depth of darkness in you brain? how do you tell them that your chest is tight and heavy and you’re drowning and you’ve been drowning since way before you learned how to swim? hoya to you look at them with tear stained eyes and regrets and ask them to hold you without becoming the problem? without being a problem to be fixed instead of just a small frame ravaged by trauma and mental health issues. will anyone ever see the depth of my sadness and not take it as a challenge to fix me? my own father always try to fix me. how do i tell people i’m breaking without them believing i’m broken? i’m not asking for help but how do people not notice how empty i am.
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04.18.20
01:49pm
moonlight is still technically sunshine.
moonlight is still technically sunshine
i’m sitting on a table looking up at the full moon and thinking about where i’ll be in a year.
the cold of the night greets me like an old friend, you see i’ve been here far too many times before. wandering aimlessly in the moonlight in my pajamas searching for something adjacent to a purpose in the mist if 2am walks.
there is as a time i brought you with me and we talked about the moon and life we we walked around campus as the sunrise and now i haven’t muttered your name in months. i wonder where i’ll be in a year and if i’ll still be escaping my safe space to wander around the darkness.
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a conversation with some truths by natalia vela
Some Truths.
1. You always told me how bad ciggerates are for me, as are most things that feel good in the moment but leave your chest aching in the morning. I insist that I could stop if I want to while looking into your engulfing brown eyes.
2.The moles and freckles that are scattered all over your face have me closing my eyes and tracing constellations across your cheeks.
3.I remember when I was a child and I wasn’t afraid of mistakes, such as kissing friends cheeks or getting the answers wrong in math class.
4.You left and the sky cried with me, I could feel my whole person leaving with you. In that I learned more about me than all the 18 years I lived without you.
5.You used to call me on nights when you accidentally did too many lines or drank too many glassesof wine and my name was the only thing that floated around your pretty brain.
6. It’s been years but if you reached out I might consider trying again, and again, and again.
7. The withdrawl from love is the harshest hangover I’ve ever experienced and I find myself searching for the remains of warmth in the bottom of whiskey bottles.
8. I don’t think anyone who has ever said “I could stop if I wanted to” was telling the truth.
9. In my writing I pour myself into corners of syllables and under over used vowels, hoping if you read my words you can see all the parts of me that I’m too scared to actually show anyone while sober.
10. I want to be open and honest and bare but it always get caught in my throat. What’s the difference between a white lie and a dark lie?
11. I haven’t had a period in months, but I remember how you used to talk about your period being connected to the moon cycles and I see the full moon and think about sending you extra money so you can buy that choclate bar that you always crave this time of the month.
12. What if we don’t always end up with the love of our life? What if soulmates are more complicated than in the movies?
13. Why didn’t you say goodbye before ghosting me? You know how caught up I get on closure.
14. I wish I had the chance to share a bed with you one last time. I miss the smell of your skin.
15.I could stop, I really could, if I wanted to.
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04.04.20
03:11pm
i’m 20 and love walks on the beach and conversations that are just a little too personal leaving your skin feeling like it’s crawling but leaving your heart begging for more. I love cuddling and doing that thing where your hand subconsciously traces shapes on someone else’s skin because of the comfort of their presence causes you to drift in and out of reality. i’m the oldest of 5 and i’m incredibly family oriented and i write poetry and paint and play the ukelele and watch people play GTA and half-life on youtube. and id love to get to know you and find out what makes you exist the way you exist, are you more drawn to the forest or the sea? the sun or the moon? the clouds or the stars. do you love driving or being a passenger? what’s your most listened to playlist, or album or song?
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04.04.20
02:56pm
i loved how it felt to be scattered along the beach with my friends waiting for the sky to turn yellow from the beams of the setting sunlight.
the sounds of sea whisking through my hair as the sky goes dark and the moon calls for me. he’s holding me and sometimes it feels like the warmth of his body could burn through me, leaving me as only ash but he keeps it controlled like a wildfire meant for rebirth and growth rather than destruction.
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