aspen-mayne

[aspen-mayne]

Hi, I have literally no idea how to ask this like a normal person so just bare with me, but I think I might be autistic and I have no idea how to go about it??? I just have one quick question in regards to it if it's ok to ask? I'm not sure if I'm just really good at masking or if I just have near-divergent like traits that look like autistic characteristics. How did you go about getting tested? I've been sitting on this for two months and my anxiety over it isn't going away like I hoped it would... Sorry this is long and I'm sorry if this is too personal, I just have no idea what to do right now

Hi there! 

So I don't know that this is the response you were hoping for, but I am actually self-diagnosed autistic. There was a time though that I really wanted to get tested and just search for that official approval, to have somebody else tell me that they believe I'm autistic too. But I discovered that my insurance won't cover adult autism assessments, and I don't have the financial privilege to afford to pay for it out of pocket. And I have been terrified of the stories of poorly educated doctors who don't know autism outside of its stereotypes and outside of children. So, I never got tested.

There are some things that have helped me to accept my own self-diagnosis though. 

The autistic community, for instance, is extremely accepting of self-diagnosis. I actually used social media platforms to find autistic creators to hear their experiences. I would save all of the posts I related to, to have my own collection of "proof," so I couldn't invalidate how much everything applied to me. 

I also at one point wrote down the diagnostic criteria for autism, and for each criteria, I wrote examples from throughout my life of how it applied to me. And I added to that list for months, allowing it to build up each time I remembered something from my life that would apply, or each time I would learn something new. 

While I know this isn’t always an option, I sat down with my mom and my friend and showed them everything. All the research I collected, all the behaviors I had written down. I talked about my life, and how I interacted with them and the world. Both people gave me examples of behaviors they noticed that I had never noticed. They both had big "Oh! This all makes so much sense!" moments.

I had other personal things that have helped me too. I have a bachelors degree in psychology. I have years of experience working closely with a couple of neurodivergent kids. I have a good relationship with myself and am confident in my ability to understand myself. 

So, I haven't ever been tested. Getting tested is a privilege, since for many people it's not accessible for a variety of reasons. But I found other ways to help myself be certain in my self-diagnosis. I found that having a collection of evidence is what helped me to soothe my anxiety and imposter syndrome. And for me, that's been enough.

But if you have access to an assessment, and that's the best option for you, then I would either start by talking to your primary care provider, or your current therapist. If that's not an option, you can try to find providers in your area that do autism diagnoses, if you're an adult try to find some that also do adult diagnoses. 

I don't know if any of this was helpful, but hopefully something out of this long post can be of use you! 

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #asd #self diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

Going through an old journaling assignment I had for my positive psychology class, and I found this gem.

It was an exercise about finding the positives in otherwise neutral or bad situations. So I'd talked about my coping mechanisms in a store when I'm overwhelmed.

Now knowing that I am autistic, I laughed when I read that. I didn't know anything about autism back then, but writing and focusing on shopping lists to help get through a store while experiencing sensory overload is such an autistic thing to do 😂

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #asd #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism

[aspen-mayne]

Sharing special interests with friends is a risky game. If you have a falling out with them, then it can become hard to enjoy that special interest because you've associated it with that person for so long.

I had this with an old friend, and when I wanted to get back into the special interest, I had to reclaim it as mine, not ours. I actually had a lot of fun reclaiming it because I got to explore how I really felt about things. My opinions weren't influenced by theirs, so I really did get to make it my own.

The hardest part for me is the times when I find new information or have a new thought about the special interest, that they'd really only understand. I could say it to other people, and they'd be excited /for/ me, but not /with/ me. I probably have a whole mental notebook full of thoughts and observations I'd love to share with my old friend about our special interests. But we don't talk anymore, so I'm left with this urge to infodump that'll never actually be satisfied.

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #late diagnosed autistic #asd #self diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism

[aspen-mayne]

I believe it's super important to educate people on mental health (and other psychological differences).

People communicate their experiences through the frameworks they've been taught. If we don't educate people about different frameworks, then they are limited on how they can describe their experiences.

When I was thirteen, I told my parents this big life changing event was going to make me more "bitchy." Bitchy was the best framework I had to describe my experiences with mood changes, negative emotions, difficulty with changes, feeling overwhelmed, and other struggles with being stressed. I understood bitchy and could communicate that because that's how people referred to me. My family said I was being bitchy.

I found out a couple years later that everything I was describing could be called depression and anxiety. I had discovered new frameworks to understand and explain my own experiences. I was able to communicate that to a doctor because I had learned about depression and anxiety. Using my old framework, being bitchy was never a good enough reason to seek help. Being bitchy was just a personality trait, it was fundamental, unfixable.

I used depression and anxiety to describe my life, until they stopped being enough. I learned about cptsd and developed another framework to describe and explain my life. I was able to communicate that I was experiences triggers, not just experiences generalized anxiety.

Again, my ability to describe my life and my experiences changed when I learned about autism. I developed another framework to see my life through. And I am able to see that autism better describes my depression and anxiety, autism better describes why I was so "bitchy."

No doctor told me about depression, anxiety, ptsd, or autism. I had to learn about it for myself. I always accepted things as normal until I learned that it could be something else. Without learning about these things, I would still think that I am just bitchy, and that's why life is hard. I'd never think to seek help or a diagnosis. I'd never know that what I was experiencing had a name, that there were others like me, with the same experiences.

Educating people is so important. There are so many people in my life who aren't educated, who still only view me as bitchy because that's the only framework they know. And they will never know anything else unless they're educated and develop other frameworks, other ways, to interpret and understand the world.

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #asd #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism #mental health

[aspen-mayne]

I think it's important to talk about how autistic people can and do communicate like allistic people from time to time, especially for late diagnosed autistics.

You spend your entire life learning and mirroring and adopting allistic communication styles in order to communicate with them. And when you find out you're autistic, those adopted behaviors don't just go away. So, as an autistic person talking with another autistic, it can be hard to tell if the other person is unmasked and semi-verbal, or if they are being passive aggressive because they've learned how to communicate that through a lifetime of being surrounded by allistics.

I don't enjoy playing this guessing game. I hate that even when communicating with autistic people, you still have to sometimes jump through allistic communication hoops because autistic people have had to learn and adopt those styles of communication in order to blend in with allistics.

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #asd #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism

[aspen-mayne]

I've always followed this saying: hope for the best, but expect the worst.

So many people hear that, and they immediately assume I'm an extreme pessimist. Or they'll think that that saying is what makes me so depressed. It makes me extremely frustrated because I don't expect the worst in a "life sucks and the world hates me" kind of way.

I struggle when things go wrong, especially when it catches me off guard. Unexpected bad things can trigger big, out of control emotions, and for my autism (and cptsd) that's hard to deal with. It can lead to things being more traumatic than they need to be if I'm not prepared for the bad outcome. The whole situation feels out of control, and I don't always have a good sense of clarity when I'm having intense emotions or a meltdown, which makes my own response feel out of my control.

So, I try and expect and prepare for the worst. I talk myself through what I will do if something doesn't go the way I want. I make guesses on how I will feel, and talk myself through those emotions before they've ever even come up. I make plans on what my next steps will be, even if those next steps are simply time to recover from disappointment. All the while, I still am hoping for the best. I want things to go well, I want to succeed. I hold my breath, cross my fingers, and wish for things to turn out well.

Nobody ever understands this. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, I'm trying to accommodate for myself and make my life easier, to make my life happier. Life, by chance, is going to disappoint sometimes. I don't want to be blindsided and thrown into a tailspin. I want to be able to sit with myself and process, and move on. And I don't know why people can't understand that.

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #being autistic #autistic adult #asd #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism

[aspen-mayne]

Thank you so much so saying what you said about public speaking. It resonates deeply with me and it feels good to have it acknowledged by others and that others go through the same stuff I do.

I feel the same! I am relieved to know that even one other person can relate to how awful public speaking is. I never felt like anybody else ever understood just how hard it can be for some people, especially when it's not a skill that you absolutely need.

[aspen-mayne]

I- your post about feeling like after you think you're autistic getting more autistic? I've been dealing with this for a while, and my family doesn't help, and I honestly feel like such a faker, but your post made me feel so much better, thank you!!!

You're welcome!!

I know it can be really challenging feeling like you're just faking it. I'm glad my post was able to help you feel a bit better 😊

[aspen-mayne]

When people say that autistic people take things literally, I don’t really think that applies to me. 

Why doesn’t it apply to me? Because I take the statement too literally. 

I hear it as: Autistic people always take things too literally.

It really means: Autistic people tend to take things more literally than intended.

For instance, I take questionnaire questions literally, and if I don’t stop to think about what the question means to ask, I will answer it at face value. When if I hadn’t taken the question literally to be exactly what it asks, I would have given a different answer.

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

Here is a list of things that can cause me to go into sensory overload in public:

Children (enough said)

People playing any noise from their phone speakers, rather than using headphones

People talking loudly on their phone

The smell of weed, cigarettes, or perfume/cologne

When there are too many people moving around, and it’s visually too complex to look at

When your clothes start bugging you, but you can’t do anything to fix it (like a bra wire stabbing you, or your underwear sitting wrong)

When a store rearranges things, and you have to go through every isle enduring too much visual input while trying to find something

Humidity/heat when you also can’t get away from people

People who stand too close to you and you can feel how close they are (worse if they’re talking too)

When people are touching you, for whatever reason

When workers constantly ask you how you’re doing and if you need help

Squeaky shopping cart wheels

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed autistic #sensory processing disorder #sensory problems #sensory overload #sensory issues

[aspen-mayne]

I am a huge dog lover. Dogs have always been a special interest of mine. However, I have realized that dogs cause a lot of sensory problems for me. They can be really overwhelming, especially when they’re pushy and constantly are nosing you for pets when you don’t want to be touched.

We had a puppy when I was four or five years old. And I absolutely loved her to bits, I even picked her out from the farm we got her from. She’s one of my favorite dogs we have ever owned. But just because I loved her so much doesn’t mean she wasn’t overwhelming for me. 

I remember when she was still little, and hadn’t yet learned any manners, she had came into my bedroom and started jumping all over me. She licked me, and rubbed her nose all over my arms, and she kept clawing me whenever she climbed onto my lap. I got really overwhelmed by this, and decided to build a barricade in the doorway that she couldn’t climb over. It was made out of a pile of clothes and this plastic tote. I picked her up and went to put her on the other side of the barricade. Well, I was like four, she was a puppy who did not want to be held, and the barricade was a little too wide for me to safely set her down on the other side. I ended up dropping her over the barricade, which she rolled down, and hit the wall on the other side. And she broke her leg. She ended up being casted for a while as her leg healed, but then after that she went on to live a good life, where I didn’t try to barricade her out of any other rooms. 

I share this story because it’s a funny story to tell now, and it shows how dogs, even if I love them, can still be overwhelming for me. My parents still have dogs, who I adore and am excited to see every time I go over there, but they can still be a lot to handle sensory-wise. 

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

I dwell the most in social situations when it is just me and one other person. When it becomes three or more people, I struggle to keep up with conversations. I miss cues, or I can’t relate to topics being talked about. In three or more, if I make a joke or comment, and it doesn’t hit right, I have multiple people looking at me. I feel far more pressure than with just a single other person. 

So I tend to withdraw as soon as a third person is added. I let other people take the lead because I know it’s hard for me. I can’t keep up. In group chats, I am the quiet ghost, reading the conversation, but never contributing. Sometimes, I genuinely enjoy sitting back and listening to other people talk, and just being a witness to a conversation. But other times, it gets to be incredibly overwhelming and lonely.

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

Once you learn that you’re autistic, it can feel like you’re becoming more autistic than you were. This often contributes to imposter syndrome, and feeling like you’re faking having autism. That you’re only acting autistic because you think you have autism, when really you’re just putting on some act. 

The truth, however, is that you’re most likely just autistic. You’ve learned more about autism, so now you’re noticing all these “new” autistic behaviors that have been happening subconsciously. And if those behaviors are actually new? You’re still just autistic. A lot of times when people learn about autism, they give themselves more leeway to be autistic. They let themselves stim more, they let themselves act in ways that feel more natural. A lot of times this leads to discovering a whole new set of behaviors that you haven’t had before because they had been suppressed for so long.

It’s important to not gaslight yourself during this process. Sometimes you have to take a step back and see if this is you just noticing more because you know what to look for, or if this is maybe you noticing more because you’re not suppressing everything anymore. Imposter syndrome isn’t fun to deal with, so it’s important to try and be gentle, kind, patient, and open-minded with yourself while it’s happening. 

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

Sometimes I remember all the public speaking in school my teachers forced me to do, and I get angry all over again. I never got better at it, and it never made me any less anxious. I would have anxiety that lasted the entire day, to the point I had classmates trying to calm me down because they saw how frazzled I was. And teachers kept saying I would get better with practice. The only thing that I learned how to get better at was masking.

Public speaking when you’re autistic is just learning how to mask in hard-core mode. I didn’t actually learn how to speak to a group, or present my ideas in a better way, or how to engage with the audience more. I didn’t learn anything useful. What I did learn was how to suppress all my own needs. I learned how to ignore my fight-or-flight instincts, I learned how to ignore the warning signs for meltdowns, I learned how ignore my own body for a grade. I learned how to shove everything down for the sake of my teacher’s approval. I learned to be in the middle of a meltdown and smile through it all, while explaining concepts in an upbeat manner that absolutely nobody cared about. 

To this day, almost two years after graduating college, I still don’t understand why teachers made public speaking out to be some wonderful life skill. I don’t understand why it was made out to be so beneficial to our success. I still can’t wrap my head around it being anything other than ableist.

#actually autistic #autism #autistic adult #autistic #being autistic #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed autistic

[aspen-mayne]

I ended up having a really interesting conversation with some people at the bus stop today. They were getting out of some sort of ‘clean and sober’ meeting and had starting saying how they were so bored because they didn’t have anything to do, and had to stay at home because all their old friends would pull them back. So I said something like, ‘So this is the time to do all the stuff your parents told you they didn’t have money/time for!’ “Whatcha mean?” “You know, like when you were five and you REALLY wanted to have that toy or do that thing and you were like, ‘Please mom please I gotta have this I gotta go do this’ and they went ‘Hell no you think I’m paying for that do you want to goddamn EAT?’ “ And this light went on in their eyes. The lady is going to go check thrift stores for an Easybake Oven and I told her about Wilton cake decorating classes. The dude is going to Griffith Park and ride horses, because, ‘I always wanted to be a cowboy, and you can’t drink when you’re on a horse ‘cause you’ll fucking die!’ Fuck it. This is what being an adult is. Sure it’s bills and work and relationships, but damn it, it’s also time to do the things you LIKE. I signed up for a free class/lecture on Water Gardens. I’m going. It’s time.

[aspen-mayne]

When you get this, respond with 5 things that make you happy. Then, Send this to last 10 people in your notifs. You never know who might benefit from spreading positivity✨

1) Finding something in the correct shade of my favorite color 🔮

2) When I shuffle my music and all the songs I like are on right away 🎵

3) Being able to just sit and pet really soft fabric (like squishmallows!) 🧸

4) Hearing birds singing before the sun comes up 🐦

5) Hunting for seaglass with my mom on the Great Lakes or the ocean 🌊

[aspen-mayne]

Like, I really need people who are against self diagnosis, the majority of whom had the privilege of being diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, to understand how racist, classist, and ableist this viewpoint is.

So many people of color go undiagnosed. Their adhd/autism is chalked up to behavioral problems and no one bothers to look into it further.

So many poor people don’t have the money to be able to afford getting a formal evaluation. That shit is expensive.

So many people get misdiagnosed. Afab adults in particular are more likely to get diagnosed with BPD when they actually have adhd or autism. People with a trauma history have their symptoms chalked up to trauma and all adhd/autism specific symptoms are ignored.

If you were diagnosed as a child or teen you have absolutely no right to dismiss people (especially adults, afab people, and people of color) and act like self diagnosis is harmful. Most people who self-dx do so after extensive research and they know themselves better than you. Self-dx doesn’t take anything away from people with a formal diagnosis; it helps the individual find an understanding community and coping skills that make their lives easier. If you’re bothered by that, that says a lot about your character.