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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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Spirit (Girl)
God died today And left me in the cold He stumbled down a path And He died upon his knees On the way to the commode... 
You raised me up now And pulled me out my mind And filled me with significance I cannot describe The tunes were overdone The well was all but dry And I still believe Magnificent isn't hard to find
Gang of Youths are one of my favourite bands and I can’t tell you why I put off listening to their new album; it was just something that I was avoiding and I had no idea why. As I don’t have social media and most of my friends who are into these guys are in Melbourne, I missed the riff raff from it was first released and then I guess just forgot about it. Only after someone asked me the other day if I was going to their Sydney show, I realised that I still hadn’t listened to this dam album and immediately set out to do so when I could properly sit down and absorb it.
When I listen to track one I assumed it was about Dave (frontman)’s first wife who died from cancer. I did think it was a little odd considering it was a while ago and has already been extensively written about in their music. I then Googled the song and was immediately slapped in the face with the realisation that this entire album is dedicated to Dave’s late father and the grief of losing him.. I had goose bumps all over and tears immediately came to my eyes. As I listened to the album I truly felt the journey he was on, as I am on it too. The indescribable grief but also love; so much love. I guess I wasn’t supposed to listen to this before I was ready and now I am. There’s something quite magical about one of your favourite bands releasing an entire album about something so specific and painful that you've been grappling with yourself. It felt so weirdly personal but beautiful at the same time.
Lastly, the very day that I emerged out from under that rock to buy tickets for their tour, a new show and final show of the Australia tour is announced at ENMORE. A special final acoustic set. What of it. I live for these little wins and these little sprinkles of magic that seem to always appear when you least expect it. I guess I still believe that magnificence isn’t hard to find either.
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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Emergency***trigger warning (self-harm)
This blog in one respect has become a place that I come to to celebrate the little wins. The brief moments of reprieve I get from the darkness. But that’s a post for another day. I do have something specific in mind that I wish to discuss. 
My moment today came in the ER. I was there after having had an allergic reaction (something I’ve experienced countless times before). But the interning doctor who was on shift, was the same one from the last time that I was there. 
When we made eye contact I could see that she remembered me but she didn’t say a word in front of the other staff. She went about querying previous health concerns, past admissions (as though she wasn’t present for the most recent) all the while never giving me away. It was only when we were alone and had a moment, only after I brought it up myself that she disclosed that she remembered me and asked with genuine care and concern how I’ve been doing. But she did this only after receiving my cue, after I told her that it was okay to do so and this almost brought me to tears. Firstly because of the respect it showed me. This was personal information that she wasn’t going to declare to a room full of strangers unless necessary. But it was also important because in that moment I didn’t feel like a number, or a statistic. I felt like if anything happened to me this doctor would care. And I don’t know why it felt like that mattered but it did. 
When I left, another doctor had taken over. We said all of two words to each other as he checked that I was alright to leave. But when he came back and gave me my discharge form, he said something that seemed a little odd; it’s meaning of which only registered after I had left. 
I don’t remember exactly what the man said but it was something along the lines of “you can always come back here if you need anything, anything at all” and looked at me with seriousness as he said it. I thought it curious because the ER (especially during COVID times) would surely be the last place a doctor would be endorsing you come back to unless you really need it. Also the man had just handed me a new EpiPen surely that would suffice. Then I realised that this man would have access to my file and details of my last admission would be on it. What he was really saying was, if you ever feel suicidal again please come here instead. 
It was a small gesture but one he didn’t have to make. His and the actions of the first doctor made me think. These doctors, these strangers seem to care more about my life than I do. If these doctors, care if I live or die, why don’t I? And if these strangers care of course the people who know me care. Why do we go to so much effort to save lives if they aren’t worth anything. No one can really answer why it’s important to stay alive. But it seems to me we can all agree that it is. And I think that’s important. 
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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The Matrix Resurrections
Movie reviews aren’t my usual vibe on this blog but in this instance I felt compelled to. 
I’ll start by saying that this movie has coped a lot of bad reviews. Why? I can only speculate that those who did not enjoy the movie didn’t, well understand it. Or perhaps they weren’t supposed to as Lana Wachowski ironically points to in the movie itself. Maybe she knew that this movie would only draw itself to a minority, maybe she still hoped it would appear to the masses. But what I admire about her is that she made this movie at time when she was ready to and on her terms and I really don’t think she made it for anyone but herself. And that, translates to the movie. Had she had written it because Warner Brothers told her to and have wanted her to for years, it would have been an entirely different movie and void of heart and truth which it certainly was not. 
This movie to me is the mecca of truth of a generation that grew up on the gunshots and Kungfu wonders. Like the movie, we have grown up with it and this movie speaks to exactly what we all needed to hear and a time when we needed to hear it.
To quote Kianu Reves who stated to Lana Wachowski (writer and director) following the first viewing..
Twenty years ago you told a story in which you described the coming twenty years and the problems of the nature of digital, virtual life and how it was going to impact us and how we think about it, and gave us a frame to be able to think about it and talk about it. And you took the same character and the same stories and the same stuff, and somehow you made it about the next twenty years.' And he was like, 'How did you do that?
But it is much more than that. The Matrix Resurrections speaks to deeper themes of spiritual and emotional growth and awakening or perhaps more poignant, re-awakening. 
This time around we see Trinity’s second enlightenment at the end of the movie where she masterfully stands at the top of a high-rise starting out at the sun and just simply says “it’s so beautiful,” as she did in The Matrix Revolutions right before her death. But this time, she does not die, she flies. 
Trinity discovering that she can fly only after truly believing that she couldn’t and jumping off that building anyway is really the point for me. Perhaps I too am mistaken here, that this was not Lana Wachowski’s point, maybe she didn’t really have one. But letting the viewer take their own individual meaning and no matter which way you look at it you can’t be wrong, shows true mastery of a filmmaker. 
I truly believe that this movie is a mirror (as reflected in the replacement of phone booths for mirrors as portals in and out of the Matrix). It’s a mirror to yourself and your soul and the journey that you are on. The Architect was replaced for the Analysist which I could also write a lot about. 
But if you did not take anything out of this movie, perhaps you weren’t supposed to. But all I can say is that Lana Wachowski is a genius and a true wonder of her time and I thank her for it from the bottom of my heart. 
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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Your Soul Always Knows.
Remember this. Keep trying to find the lesson and you will get there. It’s always hidden somewhere deep within. Remember that. 
Edit.. perhaps stop trying to rationally find the lesson but feel it :)
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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Kaurna Country
“I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains
Of ragged mountain ranges
Of droughts and flooding rains”
I’m reminded of those words as I stand here on Kaurna country; hard earth beneath my feet and hot wind sweeping across my face. 
It’s this feeling that tells me that I’m home. 
Kaurna land is truly beautiful. The city is almost entirely encompassed by vast bushland that expands from the York Peninsula (Guuranda) nearly up to Port Augusta (Goordnada) and all the way back down to Cape Jervis (Parewarangk). To the West of Adelaide, we have the open water that is St Vincent’s Gulf (Wongajerla) and out to the Indian Ocean.
This may not be the place of my ancestors, but it was the place that I came into the world and spent my early years and childhood. 
I sit here and ponder that.
I ponder the deep spiritual connection I feel to this land and for the first time really consider what it means to be on Aboriginal Land. I think to myself, if this is the connection that I feel to country, how much stronger is it for First Nations Peoples. One hundred, one thousand, sixty thousand, four hundred thousand times stronger perhaps? And the weight of that really hit me. 
This moment was brought on by the Bachelorette and Brooke’s friend asking the final two if they know what country they live and work on. I felt smug about it at the time. Yes of course, I know the original custodians of where I live and work (The Gadigal/Cammeraygal People of the Eora Nation). 
But I was considering why I know that. 
I was still in school when Welcome/Acknowledgement of Country first came to be following Kevin Rudd’s official apology to First Nations Peoples. Every school assembly I would be reminded that I was on Kaura land. This continued into my university years. When I moved to Sydney and started tutoring in the middle of COVID, I had to look up whose land I was on as my classes were online so this information couldn’t be provided in the slides as it would be different for everyone. So in sum, I know because I’ve had to know, not because I did this on my own accord and all of sudden I felt ashamed by that. 
No my ancestors weren’t responsible for the atrocities whereby Australia came to be (my family migrated to Australia in the 1950s from an impoverished warn-torn Italy). But even if my ancestry was Ango-Saxon, who was responsible to me, is missing the point. What can we all do now to preserve and celebrate Aboriginal (and Torres Strait Islander) culture and I don’t think I am doing enough. 
I want to be a part of the conversation and I want to involve myself. Restoring the rights of First Nations peoples are and should be every Australians responsibility. 
So I’m here for it, I’m open and I’m willing to learn. I acknowledge that I cannot drive this, that should come from First Nations and only First Nations Peoples. But I will be an ally and I will do everything I can. 
This is my pledge. 
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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Dear Dad
I’m sitting here in my room tonight thinking of you wondering if where you are you can think, and it you can are you thinking of me too. 
I know that in a past life, a past self I could have let myself succumb to it, lose myself completely; fling myself off a bridge and let it consume me. 
But I didn’t. 
I faced and continue to face the darkness. 
And goddam that takes courage. 
But tonight I’m allowing myself to sit and contemplate and think of you. Keeping myself sane but keeping your memory alive is a hard line to draw sometimes. But I endeavour to navigate it. 
I love you Dad.
I guess that’s all I need to say for now. 
I love you, I have always loved you and I always will. 
Your little lucci 
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asunfloweraday · 2 years
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As simple as breathing
Breathe me in and hold me close; wrap me in your warmth.
Draw me in, adrenalin, heart beating on your skin.
A single touch, it’s not enough you keep me wanting more.
Pull me closer across the sofa we lay and drift away 
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asunfloweraday · 3 years
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It’s Nice To Be Alive
This was going to be a long post about the time that I tried to kill myself. I deleted the whole post and realised something in trying to articulate what I wanted to say. I realised that it doesn’t have to be that complicated and I have a habit of always making it complicated. 
I was going through old messages from my dad and it was so simple for him. “Go to bed and have a nice sleep,” “listen to some music,” “just ignore her,” “all will be good.” 
And you know what, sometimes it isn’t all good and not even a bloody great song can fix it. But what I have learnt is that sometimes the most complex of problems have simple answers. We just don’t want to do see or admit it because usually that answer is hard. Usually that answer involves apologising, or admitting your wrong, or sometimes just leaving it alone when you really don’t want to. 
I’ve realised that it’s usually through doing what we don’t want to do that we reap the biggest rewards. I’ve realised that through it all that even if they are only fleeting moments, if everything feels so dam well out of you control, it’s still pretty fucking nice to be alive. 
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asunfloweraday · 3 years
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Impossible
Took a breath, let it go Felt the moment settle so I couldn't wait to tell you why I'm standin' here with this awkward smile And that's because I could drown myself in someone like you I could dive so deep I never come out I thought it was impossible But you make it possible Love, it stings and then it laughs At every beat of my battered heart The sudden jolt, a tender kiss I know I'm gonna die of this And that's because I could drown myself in someone like you I could dive so deep I never come out I thought it was impossible But you make it possible I'll take the smooth with the rough Feels so fucked up to be in love Another day, another night Stuck in my own head but you pull me out You pull me out I could drown myself in someone like you I could dive so deep I never come out I thought it was impossible But you make it possible Somebody told me and I think they're right There is a change on its way tonight And I feel it's so But I fear it though Somebody told me and I think they're right There is a change on its way tonight And I feel it's so And I feel it so I could drown myself in someone like you I could dive so deep I never come out I thought it was impossible But you make it possible
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asunfloweraday · 3 years
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Things that help me survive
Not too long ago, or well years ago actually (but I updated it for the present time) I devised a list called ‘things that make me happy.’ We were in the midst of lockdown, I was living in Sydney on my own in a very small studio apartment and my mental state started to deteriorate very quickly. 
Due to a series of, or perhaps one big unfortunate event things have gone from bad to worse for me and I have felt the need to create a new list; things that have helped me to survive. When you’re in the midst of a depressed state often the things that usually give you pleasure do not. So these are things, not necessarily that I have loved doing, but I can honestly attribute to why I am still standing here today. 
Take what resonates, hopefully this helps someone.
Mindfulness; I have an app called ‘Mindfulness: finding peace in a frantic world’ and I play it anytime my mind feels totally cluttered. Achieving even one second of thinking about nothing at all besides my breath and an awareness of my body is like hitting the re-start button on my brain. I genuinely feel refreshed afterwards. The challenge is to totally empty your mind of all other thoughts and limit how often your mind wanders which sounds impossible and it mostly is, but as I said, if you can manage to do this for even 1 second, trust me you’ll feel better. 
Prayer. This one isn’t for everyone but I have personally found a lot of peace in handing over all my worries in times of distress to a higher being. Even just sitting in a church and reminding myself that I’m not alone, that there is some greater purpose in all this even if I can’t see it. Choosing to have faith in that and really believing it. 
Exercise. This one’s tough. I went to Pilates for the first time after spending 3 months barely leaving the house. I cancelled and rescheduled many times but I finally made myself go and dam I feel so much better. I went to the beginners class, I told the instructor it was my first time in a long time and she was so kind and I felt no pressure to do all the exercises but I did at least attempt them. My advice is find something, anything that works for you that you actually enjoy and then you will feel more motivated to go. But be kind to yourself. If all you can manage is a 10 minute walk to the end of your street and back, honestly just do that.
Writing it down. I lost the person I was closest to in the whole world and found myself having absolutely no one I could pour out my soul to anymore. I had to learn very quickly how to be there for myself emotionally or I would crumble. I found writing everything I wanted to say down helped me feel as though I had released it somewhere rather than getting all stuck up in my head. It has been a temporary solution until I learn how to open up more to other people but it has certainly helped in the interim. 
Sun. This one is not always available and probably less so if you’re in the northern hemisphere right now but I know that I feel 1000% better when I literally just go and stand outside and allow myself to feel that warmth hit my skin. Someone told me once that when you breathe in air outdoors, your body takes in the photons from the sun. Never bothered to look that one up but I certainly do feel better when I take some fresh air into my lungs.. leading to the next.
Breathing. This one seems like a no brainer, but I recently went to have a remedial massage in the hope of curing my migraines and this beautiful man told me that as a trauma response my body is in a constant state of fight or flight. Therefore, I am shallow breathing as a result and not allowing myself to breathe out all the toxins in my body. Wow, who would have known. So I now attempt to catch myself anytime I remember and take some deep breaths and let all the air out. I push it all out until there is nothing left at all left. Magically enough, I am feeling far less tension in my neck and less frequent headaches from doing this. I haven’t had another migraine yet but I’ll keep you posted on that one. 
Friends. For a long time, in the midst of my depressed state I truly felt like I had no one and maybe sometimes that is the case. But I know that I realised once I stopped cancelling plans, and attempting to reach out myself, that I have more people in my life than I think and that these people actually like me. Even just the act of making an ‘appointment’ with someone, a time and a place I need to be has helped give me some kind of structure in my day. You’ll also surprise yourself with the people who will be there for you when you are honest about what you’re going through. If not, hang in there you will find your tribe eventually.
Music. Last but not least. I recently invested in some noise cancelling headphones and I have found that lying in bed with these bad boys on, with just a good dam song blasting my eardrums off allows me to calm down into a more manageable state of mind. Even just finding and connecting to a song that perfectly sums up what you’re going through will help you feel less alone. 
Hopefully this has been of some help. Remember to be kind to yourself always and don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me if you find yourself in a dark corner. I have been there and am so willing to help.
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asunfloweraday · 3 years
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Today was a good day and it does not escape me the importance of celebrating those days, the little wins. 
A sunflower a day; a happy thought a day. 
It is not through any grand gesture that we overcome the mountain, but through single steps and today, there have been many. 
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asunfloweraday · 3 years
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Grief
It came in through the back door, in through the dead of night.
It didn’t hear me screaming, it didn’t once look twice.
It poured itself all over me, I couldn’t move a bit. 
It started suffocating me.
I fell.
I tumbled.
I hit my head;
and life went on. 
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asunfloweraday · 4 years
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Loss
So, I’ve been absent for a while. Usually in times of emotional distress I write more, it’s an outlet. But I really have had nothing to say. What can you? My dad is gone. One evening I was talking to him so inconsequentially as I walked to Newtown to get a burrito, the very next evening he was in ICU on life support. I had no idea, that evening that I had had my last conversation with him. Just like that. Without any warning or premonition. He was just gone.
For the first time I truly understand the notion that life is suffering. I didn’t get it before. I thought I did but I didn’t. Now I understand. This pain, will never go away. I may learn to live with it, but I will always feel an emptiness, there will always be a hole in my heart, I will never stop missing my dad. And that doesn’t mean I will never be happy again (more to come on that), but it means that nothing is really ever going to be able to reverse this. I, will always be different now, my life, has forever changed.
This blog was supposed to be a sunnier rosier space, comparatively that is to other blogs I’ve kept in the past. And I’m not necessarily saying I haven’t posted because I wanted to keep in sunny, but perhaps I was just worried about it turning into a dark and sad place. Documented forever on the internet.
But I caught myself halfway through that point and stopped myself. Dark periods temporarily diminish the light, but that doesn’t mean that the light never existed, that it won’t exist again. Emotions are temporary and transient they are not a fixed state. Nothing will erase losing my dad, but just as the sadness comes in waves, so may the happiness. I will not necessarily be happy or sad forever, rather there is room enough for both. And maybe that sounds miserable, but for me it is a comfort, when only a few weeks ago, I did not believe it were possible for me to experience happiness ever again at all. 
So no, it will never get better. I am always going to miss my dad. But for the first time I think, since this happened to me, I am hopeful, that I might survive it. That there are still happy moments left for me to live, even if they never truly will ever be the same. That I will never be the same again.
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asunfloweraday · 4 years
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Ordinary
I’m sitting here on my bed on a Friday night scrolling through tiny house videos on YouTube, after having just got off the phone to Hayley. I’m listening to music, staring at the wall, thinking about how unextraordinary this moment is but how it just doesn’t matter because I am happy and nothing else matters. 
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asunfloweraday · 4 years
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The Ocean
It calls me home like a long lost friend and as such never changes despite how I, between returns am barely recognisable.
As I lie in its cold surrender my heart is still and as I go under, I am finally allowed to breathe again. 
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asunfloweraday · 4 years
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Breathe
I think that for the first time during this period of isolation, and potentially, for the first time in my entire life, I’ve allowed myself to do exactly what I want to do. I haven’t been guided by productivity, or expectations or guilt, or obligation. I’ve looked within and truly listened to myself. For the first time, I’m viewing these weeks off university and off work as freedom, as a gift, rather than a purposeless prison. A part of me wonders why I took so long, but another part is thankful that I had this realisation at all. Life, is so so beautiful when we allow ourselves to truly see it, and I don’t want to ever forget that. I never want to stop seeing, and I am committing myself to that for as long as I shall live. Look who just got their mojo back, and oh how grateful I am for it. 
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