atlemont

[atlemont]

A useful article from King Arthur Flour (my beloved) on baking while disabled.

[atlemont]

The kids and I are flying to Germany today for 6 weeks. I'm completely overwhelmed and will be probably until I got to bed tomorrow.

We packed a week ago and carry-ons were packed yesterday. I am positive i will forget something. I mean, it's just inevitable. The kids are showered I am jumping in in a few minutes. I am flying with the kids by myself 🙃. I am just absolutely praying they sleep on the plane because when we get off it will be morning and we have to catch a train.

I just. I cannot believe this is my life now. It's been an absolute wild 4 years and now I'm finally seeing the light.

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I haven't talked here about my sister in a while or maybe at all? I dunno. But today I need to. I need to put into words how I feel.

She and I were very close. Like, I held her babies for their skin to skin contact after their first bath because she was tired and I was there close. Like, I stayed at her house after her two first births for over a week when I had 3 kids and a job because she needed me and I am her older sister close.

But she is homophobic. I didn't really know until I came out and separated from the dude. She talks to me when we are I. The same place, but ignores Viky. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant this time until almost 4 months and only then because it was Christmas and I was there and it was obvious. And today, I got a group text from my Mom that she had the baby. It's a girl. And I cried. I love her. Like, all I want is to be there and love her and support her and I am completely shut out.

I'm devastated.

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We are waiting for a date for our divorce. We are waiting, just waiting on court.

Normal people who are getting divorced probably don't fee as anxious as I do I think? I am having SEVERE flashbacks and I'm totally triggered from my time as a foster parent and adoptive parent. I am desperately afraid that someone is going to come in and take away the kids. It's absolutely irrational. I know there is no reason for the courts to get involved in that manner. There is absolutely no reason for the judge not to sign our agreement since it is completely us agreeing on everything. There is not a single point of contention.

But, it's this nugget of fear that CPS is going to show up at my door step and remove the kids. I don't know how to explain it to people who haven't experienced the system.

Does any of this make sense to any of you?

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So, updates?

1. I am in Germany currently. We are getting the house ready for kids in July. We have beds, car, kitchen remodel planned (instal is April/May), doors removed and new doors I stalled, new couch, new to us living room furniture.... and this weekend we are stripping wallpaper.

2. I go back to the states in 2.5 weeks and work on legal divorce and kid passports.

3. My friends in the US are scared and messaging that I made the right decision. I am anxious about the kids moving and the legal paperwork issues to resolve, but confident that they will be safer here.

4. Dunno! Anyone have any questions????

[atlemont]

[atlemont]

Can confirm. This is how we train all our youth here in the South-East of Michigan.

Dude save some for us homely guys

[atlemont]

Taking a little trip Up North MI, just a weekend away. I miss it here.

[atlemont]

Friends. I cannot tell people in my everyday life yet, but something BIG is happening and I can contain my excitement!!!!

1. I am going to marry the most beautiful and wonderful woman ever NEXT YEAR! Like in February or March!!!

2. The kids and I are moving to Germany!!! It's a HUGE change. HUGE. But honestly, the US is super scary political wise and I'm scared.

[atlemont]

Feeling this today.

*through gritted teeth* every day i choose to be kind *barely restraining myself from violence* i choose to have compassion *tamping down the vicious bloodlust inside me* i choose to care and to be kind and to love

[atlemont]

Guys. I know I've been absent. I've missed you all! I do read what's going on here occasionally and I really have loved seeing updates!

New things!

1. I am still working on the legal part of the divorce, but we are emotionally fully separated and moving on. It's been actually really good and we really are moving better now that we are apart.

2. I got a new job! My old job was amazing but the work environment was getting extremely toxic and it was time to bow out for my mental health. I am still in Child Welfare just at an amazing new agency doing some supervisory work with support staff (visitation/case aides, file rooms, and our parent support person) I actually adore the staff already and it's only been two weeks.

3. New tattoos! I have 6 now and 2 more booked.... addictive.

4. I got cast in a movie! It's a small one, and an extremely small roll, but I'm excited. You can see more from my casting here if you are interested at all https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgwx1lAK4GK/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

5. I am pondering a move to Germany. I think the co parent might be on board to let me take the kids and if he says yes (which, honestly I think he will, 20+ years of knowing someone and you can kinda see what they are thinking) I will move in Feb/March to prep and the kids will follow in July.

I'm sure more has happened, but that's about all for now!!!

#Instagram

[atlemont]

I love every minute of this and there is no logic to why I do.

How come semi trucks in Europe look like “toot toot :)” and in North America they look like “HONK HOOOOOOOONK >:|”

[atlemont]

I'm tired. Like, deep in my bones tired. The kind of mental exhaustion that makes you feel like you need to turn off your brain and hide in bed for a weekend. When you catch yourself staring at your computer and 45 minutes have gone by and you have no idea where it went.

I think it may be a trauma response? But i keep pushing it away to function for a bit and then when it inevitably comes back, I'm four steps lower into the sunken place. It's most definitely a depression flare up. But finding a way to cope with everything going on at home right now is not working and I fee slipping and sliding backwards.

I'm not sad, more, numb? Like I need a good sleep in a blanket and maybe it will feel better? Like, quiet, non-existence for just a little bit will help.

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Rapid test was negative, they are sending it for PCR to be safe, but he thinks I evaded it this time.

I'm so mad.

My co-worker came to work Wednesday and her husband was sick. She was just "oh it's nothing" but guess who has COVID? And she just tested positive today. So now, after a holiday weekend where we all spent time with loved ones, and with my 1/2 vaccinated kids, I'm getting tested and panicking that I have brought this to my house.

This is exactly why I don't want to be in the office. We worked successfully from home for over a year. There is no need for us to be there other than they pay a ridiculous amount to rent a building and they as a company want to justify it.

I'm so frustrated and angry.

[atlemont]

[atlemont]

I'm so mad.

My co-worker came to work Wednesday and her husband was sick. She was just "oh it's nothing" but guess who has COVID? And she just tested positive today. So now, after a holiday weekend where we all spent time with loved ones, and with my 1/2 vaccinated kids, I'm getting tested and panicking that I have brought this to my house.

This is exactly why I don't want to be in the office. We worked successfully from home for over a year. There is no need for us to be there other than they pay a ridiculous amount to rent a building and they as a company want to justify it.

I'm so frustrated and angry.

#covid tw #office

[atlemont]