atlfics

[atlfics]

Pushed Too Far- All Time Low Fanfiction

Jack is concerned that Alex is pushing himself too hard.

More notes at the end.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” Jack exclaimed, saying goodbye to his coworkers as he walked out of his office for the day. 

As he walked over to his car, Jack excitedly pulled his phone out of his pocket, and went to Alex’s contact, before clicking FaceTime. Jack had just gotten to his car and opened his door as Alex answered his call from the bathroom of the restaurant he worked at. Jack could tell that Alex was a bit tired, which was unsurprising, since he’d gotten to work at six that morning, and it was now about five in the afternoon. 

“Hey, Alex, I’m headed home from work! Are you going to head home soon, too? Maybe we could go out to dinner or something?” Jack excitedly suggested, starting his car up. 

“Hey, Jack. I’m going to be here for a bit longer, I think. Someone called in, and my boss said I could get a decent bonus if I stay over for a bit. Sorry, can we maybe take a raincheck on dinner?” Alex asked, making Jack’s heart sink. 

“Yeah, sure, we can try for another time. Maybe tomorrow after work? It’s going to be Friday, after all!”

“Sure, we can plan for that for now. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home. I’m so excited to see you later. I love you so much,” 

“I love you too, babe. I hope the rest of your workday goes well,”

“Thanks, Jack. I’ll talk to you later,” 

Alex ended the call, and Jack sighed as he put on his favorite playlist and pulled out of his company’s parking lot. He wasn’t surprised that Alex had agreed to stay over at work, he’d been doing that quite a bit lately. Jack loved Alex’s drive and work ethic, but it was hard not getting to see him as often as he would like, particularly during the week. He was also nervous that Alex would eventually burn himself out working like this, despite Alex telling him several times that it was okay, that he was fine. 

As Jack drove home, he couldn’t help but wish that Alex had a job more like his; Jack worked a typical nine to five in an office for a large company, and made decent money. Alex currently worked at a local restaurant that was down the street from their apartment complex, making minimum wage and tips. They had graduated college together just about six months ago, and Jack had a much easier time finding a job, thanks to his major in business. Alex had studied psychology with plans to go to graduate school after, which ultimately fell through, leading to him working at the restaurant. 

Alex had been trying to find a better job, but was really struggling to. Jack knew that Alex would eventually land a great job, and that he would get more time with Alex once he had more of a traditional schedule, but he just had to be patient for that day to come. As he drove home, Jack sang along to the songs in his playlist, thinking of how he could spend his evening until Alex got home. 

Eventually, Jack pulled into the parking lot of his apartment complex, feeling relieved to be home for the day. After locking his car, Jack walked into the lobby, then took the elevator up to the third floor. Once Jack was inside his apartment, he set his bag with his laptop down by the front door, and kicked off his shoes. He changed out of his button up shirt and slacks, putting on a pair of sweatpants, and his favorite of Alex’s hoodies, then walked out to the living room. 

“Hm, what to do now?” Jack muttered to himself, looking around the apartment, hoping that something would catch his eye to keep him occupied until whenever Alex would get home. 

Jack eventually brought his gaze to the kitchen, deciding to cook himself dinner. He wasn’t sure what ingredients they had stocked, but after a quick look around, he decided to cook chicken alfredo, knowing it was one of Alex’s favorite meals, too. Jack connected his phone to a Bluetooth speaker, so he could listen to his playlist as he cooked. It didn’t take him very long to finish the meal, since it was fairly simple. After doing a bit of straightening up from the cooking, Jack served himself a portion, and took it out to the living room, where he sat on the couch. 

He browsed the TV guide for a couple minutes, eventually deciding on a rerun of his favorite show. Once he finished his dinner, Jack brought his plate back into the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of wine. Normally, he didn’t drink alone, but he decided to make an exception for tonight. He went back out to the living room, and saw that Rian and Zack were blowing up their group text, asking if he could play a game on the Xbox with them. Jack replied to the texts, saying that he would sign on and play. He mentioned that Alex was going to be working late, so he had plenty of time to kill. Jack turned the game console on, and joined the room that Rian and Zack created. He put on his headset, and took another sip of his wine. 

“Hey, Jack, what’s up?” Rian asked, as Jack got comfortable on the couch. 

“Hey, man, not too much. Alex is working late at the restaurant tonight, so I’m just hanging out. How’re you doing, Zack?” Jack continued, adjusting the microphone on his headset. 

“Not too much, I’m just glad to be home from work. I feel like we all work so much now, adult life blows,” Zack stated, making Jack and Rian laugh. 

“It has some perks, but, I agree, the constantly needing to work to earn money thing kind of sucks,” Jack replied, as Rian started their game. 

“We all need to hang out soon, Alex needs to be there too. I feel like he works the most out of all of us,” Rian pointed out. 

“That’s because he does. He’s been picking up so many shifts at the restaurant lately, and he’ll come in early and stay late. He gets decent bonuses when he does that, but it’s like he’s never home,” 

“That stinks, man. Are you guys, like, okay?” Zack asked, discomfort evident in his voice. 

“Yeah, we’re fine. I’m fine, too. It isn’t ideal to have him out so much, sure, but we make it work. We still try to prioritize meaningful time together when we’re both off. Besides, I know this is all just temporary; he’ll eventually get a job with more traditional hours, and won’t have to work so much to get by. I just have to be patient,”

“That’s a good way to look at it. Now, enough of this conversation, we have a battle to win!” Rian exclaimed, as the countdown to the start of the game reached zero. 

Jack played online for a few hours, time getting away from him. When he eventually looked at his phone, it was almost ten at night, much to his surprise. He saw a couple texts from Alex, each one saying he’d be home later than the last one. The most recent one said that he would be home by eleven, which Jack hoped was true. After saying goodnight to his friends, Jack cleaned up the living room, and put his wine glass in the kitchen sink. 

He went into the bathroom and got himself ready for bed, washing his face and brushing his teeth. Jack went into the bedroom and climbed into bed, before searching for the TV remote. Once Jack finally found the remote, he put on the news, then grabbed his phone to reply to Alex’s text. 

Jack: Sounds good, babe. I’m in the bedroom, but I’ll stay up until you get home. I love you. 

Jack scrolled through his phone as the TV continued to play. He looked over a couple of work emails that he’d received after he left for the day, then went to his different social media accounts. If he was being honest, he didn’t really care about seeing what his friends had posted, he was just browsing to keep himself awake until Alex got home. About ten minutes until eleven, Jack felt his eyes get really heavy, but was determined to stay awake so he could at least say hello to Alex before sleeping. Jack’s eyes slowly closed, but his mind was still awake and focused on his goal at hand. 

Not much later, Jack could hear the front door being unlocked then opened, but his eyes stayed shut. He could hear Alex kick his shoes off, before walking through the apartment to their shared bedroom. Despite being excited to see his boyfriend, Jack still couldn’t get his eyes to open, the sleepiness coming on quicker and stronger now. Just a couple minutes later, Jack felt a slight dip in the bed, forcing himself to use all of his remaining energy to open his eyes to see Alex, sitting on the edge of the bed and laughing. 

“Hey, Alex,” Jack sleepily said, making Alex laugh even more. 

“Hey, babe, sorry I’m home so late. You didn’t have to force yourself to stay up late for me,” Alex replied, his voice a bit worn out. 

“I know, but I wanted to see you, even if just for a couple minutes before I crash,” 

“I love you, Jack. I promise we’ll have more time tomorrow,” Alex stated, giving Jack a quick kiss. 

“That sounds great to me. Hey, I made chicken Alfredo, it’s in the kitchen if you want some. What time do you have to go to work tomorrow? I want to wake up with you,” Jack said, rubbing his eyes some, trying to force himself to stay awake for just a few more minutes. 

“I might get some, thanks for making that. Um, I’m going into work at seven tomorrow morning, so I’ll probably wake up around six-thirty. You don’t have to get up that early if you don’t want to, I know you don’t really need to be on the way to your job until eight-thirty,”

“No, it’s okay, I want to spend some time with you, even if it is at the crack of dawn. I’m so excited that tomorrow is Friday, do you work at all this weekend?” Jack asked, hoping the answer was no; he had worked every day since the previous Saturday, and Jack knew that Alex would need a break at some point. 

“I work on Saturday, but I should have Sunday off. Tomorrow is going to be fun, though, I’m excited!” Alex exclaimed, before coughing into his arm. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, my voice is just a bit tired; it was a long day. I’m okay, don’t worry, babe. I’m going to get some of that Alfredo, but please don’t wait for me, go ahead and go to sleep. I’ll come in here when I’m done. I love you, Jack,” Alex said, kissing Jack one more time. 

“I love you too, Alex. I’ll see you bright and early in the morning,” Jack replied, finally letting his eyes fall shut. 

Jack shifted around in bed a bit, wanting to get more comfortable, as Alex walked out of the room, gently shutting the door behind himself. As much as he wanted to get up and spend time with Alex now, the tiredness finally won, and Jack was out like a light in minutes. 

—————

When Jack woke up to the sound of a blaring alarm coming from his phone in his pitch black bedroom, he did his best to hold back an annoyed groan. He remembered telling Alex that he wanted to wake up with him, so they could spend some time together before Alex had to leave for work, but he didn’t realize how hard it would actually be to wake himself up so much earlier than he normally did. As he took a deep breath, Jack brought his arm up above his head and over towards his nightstand, haphazardly hitting around it until he found his phone. 

Once his alarm was finally off, he looked over to the other side of his bed, surprised to see Alex still fast asleep. He looked at the time on his phone, seeing that it was six twenty, then remembered that Alex said he was going to get up at six-thirty. Jack decided to let Alex sleep, his phone would wake him up soon, anyway. While he waited, Jack looked through his work email, then scrolled through his Instagram feed. Eventually, Alex’s phone started to ring loudly, causing Alex to react the same way that Jack had just ten minutes earlier; swatting at his nightstand, in search of his phone. 

“Fuck, that thing is so loud,” Alex muttered, his voice sounding scratchy like it had the night before. 

Jack laughed at his boyfriend, then reached over Alex to grab his cell phone to turn off the alarm. Once it was off, Jack held Alex’s phone out in front of him, as Alex looked over to him with a confused expression on his face. 

“Jack, what are you doing wide awake at six-thirty in the morning?” Alex asked, coughing to clear his throat. 

“I told you that I wanted to get up with you this morning, remember?” Jack continued, surprised that Alex had forgotten about their conversation from the night before. 

“Oh yeah, that’s right, I totally forgot. Well, I have to get up and get ready now, if you want to join me,” 

Alex took a deep breath as he ripped the comforter off of himself, and sat up on the edge of the bed. 

“Sure, I will. Why don’t you go ahead and shower, and I’ll make you some breakfast?”

“I’d love that. Thank you, Jack,” Alex replied, looking over to Jack and smiling at him. 

“Of course, anything for you. I’ll see you in the kitchen, okay?” 

Alex just nodded, before finally standing up and stretching, before walking over to the ensuite bathroom. Once Jack heard the shower water running, he made himself get up from the bed, and put his slippers on before walking out of the bedroom, and into the kitchen. Jack looked through the fridge, smiling in satisfaction when he saw eggs and microwavable bacon. After putting a few pieces of bacon in the microwave, Jack began cooking two eggs sunny side up, Alex’s favorite. Just as Jack was finishing with the food, he heard the shower water stop running, so he quickly plated everything, and set it up on the table in the kitchen. 

Just as Jack was putting a glass of water on the table, Alex walked into the kitchen, dressed in his work uniform. Jack couldn’t help but sense that something was off about Alex, he didn’t seem to have the usual energy that he normally did. Sure, it could’ve been because it was six-forty in the morning, but something just didn’t feel right. As Jack took a closer look at his boyfriend, he noticed that Alex seemed to have dark circles under his eyes, and that the rest of his face seemed a bit paler than usual. 

“Those eggs look great, thank you for making them for me,” Alex said, sitting down at the table. 

“No problem, Alex. Hey, are you alright?” Jack asked, taking a seat across from his boyfriend. 

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. Why?” 

“I don’t know, you just don’t seem quite like yourself for some reason,” 

“Well, you haven’t seen me up this early in a while. I’m usually not as loud and energetic at this time of day,” Alex replied, before sneezing into his elbow. 

“Oh okay, I guess that’s it. I don’t blame you for being so quiet, it’s so early; I don’t know how you get up this early on a regular basis,” Jack continued, making Alex laugh. 

“It’s not easy, but you get used to it after a while,”

Alex continued to eat his eggs, and Jack continued to wonder if he was just overthinking, or if something was really up with Alex, and he just wasn’t saying anything. Eventually, Alex finished his breakfast, and Jack put his dirty plate into the sink. Alex went back to their shared room to finish getting ready, and Jack washed off the plate. After a few more minutes, Alex walked into the living room to put on his shoes, and Jack made his way into the living room to say goodbye to his boyfriend. 

“Thank you again for cooking me breakfast, you’re the best. I’m excited to be with you tonight,” Alex said, as Jack pulled him into a hug. 

“No problem, Alex, I can do that anytime. What time are you coming back from work today?” Jack asked, as the two of them pulled away from the hug.

“I think I’ll be off around six or seven, so not much later after you get home. I’m working tomorrow, too, but I don’t need to go in until after nine,”

“That sounds good, I’m so excited to spend the evening with you. Have a good workday, Alex. I love you,” Jack replied, leaning in to kiss Alex. 

“I love you, too. I’ll see you tonight!” Alex exclaimed, before walking out of the apartment, and shutting the door behind him. 

After Alex walked out, Jack could’ve sworn he heard a cough, but decided that he was just overthinking again. Jack had a slow morning, getting ready at a leisurely pace, thanks to the early wake up call. When Jack did get to work, he couldn’t help but stare at the clock all day; he was ready for it to be the weekend, and he was ready to spend time with Alex. Jack kept to himself for most of the workday, working as hard as he could to get all of his tasks finished on time. When the end of the workday finally came, Jack couldn’t have been happier. He darted out of the office right at five-thirty, not bothering to say goodbye to any of his coworkers. Normally, Jack was very social at work, but today, his focus was getting home, and seeing Alex. 

As Jack drove home, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he hoped it was a text from Alex saying that he would be home within the next hour. When Jack checked his phone after pulling into the apartment’s parking, his face fell a bit with disappointment; Alex was going to be staying over until about ten that night; he’d gotten a high bonus to do so, and decided to take it. Jack wasn’t surprised, Alex stayed late on Friday nights often, since his boss always offered such a generous bonus to do so. 

As Jack walked into his apartment, he couldn’t help but hope that Alex would get a more traditional job sooner, rather than later. Not only would it allow the two of them to have more time together, but Alex wouldn’t have to work so much to make a decent amount of money, which Jack desperately wanted for his boyfriend. When Jack got into the apartment, he changed out of his work outfit, and put the same hoodie and pair of sweatpants on from the day before, then went into the kitchen to heat up some of the leftover chicken Alfredo he’d made. Once he had his dinner, Jack sat on the couch, and turned on one of the Harry Potter movies, since they were being shown back to back on TV. The evening passed by quickly, yet slowly, at the same time. Jack was very invested in the movie, but he couldn’t help but constantly check the time on his phone, counting down the minutes until Alex would finally arrive. 

Once it was just before ten-thirty, Jack could hear a key go into the lock of the front door, making him perk up in excitement. The door opened, revealing an exhausted looking Alex, causing the concern that Jack had felt that morning to come flooding back. Alex’s cheeks were bright red, the dark circles under his eyes looked even more prominent, and Alex just looked out of it. Jack quickly stood up from the couch, and walked over to his boyfriend. 

“Alex, hey, you’re home!” Jack exclaimed, as Alex slowly shut the door behind himself. 

“I am, finally. It was a pretty busy night, which I should’ve expected since Friday,” Alex replied, laughing at first, but eventually leaning into his elbow to let out a quiet cough. 

“Hey, are you okay? You seem exhausted,” Jack observed, pulling Alex into a hug. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, it was just a super long day; I just need to go to sleep, I think. I’m sorry for ruining our plans,” 

“Hey, no, you didn’t ruin anything. It’s okay, we’ll spend lots of time together on Sunday. Are you sure that you have to go in tomorrow? You’ve worked every single day since last Saturday, and you’ve stayed over and come in early a lot this week. Well, the last few weeks, actually,”

Jack slowly started to lead Alex back to their shared bedroom. Alex knew what Jack was doing, but was too tired to protest; he was more than ready to go to sleep. 

“Yeah, I do. Well, I think we’re actually going to have more than enough staff tomorrow, but I’m not going to just, like, not show up. It’ll be okay, it’s just one more day,” Alex assured, letting Jack get him settled into their bed. 

“Okay, well, hopefully it’ll be a fast day. Here, why don’t you change into a clean shirt and swap those jeans for sweatpants? You’ll be more comfortable,” Jack suggested, grabbing clothing for Alex from the dresser. 

“That sounds great, but I’m so tired. Can you help me change?” 

Jack laughed as he helped Alex shimmy out of his jeans, and put his sweatpants on, then did the same with his top. After putting Alex’s clothes into the hamper, Jack turned off the ceiling light, and crawled into bed next to Alex. As soon as Jack got in the bed, Alex immediately latched on to Jack, putting his head on Jack’s shoulder. 

“Sleep well, Alex. I love you so much,” Jack said, kissing Alex’s forehead. 

“I love you, too. I’ll see you in the morning,” Alex replied, his voice already thick with sleep. 

In just minutes, Alex was sound asleep, soft snores coming from him. Jack shifted around a bit to get comfortable, then shut his eyes. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, but he did his best to push the thought from his mind. Jack closed his eyes, and fell asleep within just a few minutes, with Alex laying on him, and hugging him tightly. 

—————

When Jack woke up the next morning, little fragments of light were shining through the blinds, casting abstract shapes across the room. While Jack thought the light was pretty, he couldn’t really enjoy it, because he was too focused on the fact that the bed was wet, much to his confusion. He was trying to recall of he had spilled water in the middle of the night, but he didn’t even have a glass on his nightstand. As he started to wake up more, he felt his shirt and the sheets, realizing that they didn’t just feel wet, but they felt sticky. Jack looked over to Alex, and immediately felt the familiar concern from the day before come back. Alex’s hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat, and his face was very flushed. Despite his face looking quite warm, Alex was as bundled in the blanket as he could be, shivering and shifting around uncomfortably. Jack wasn’t even sure if Alex was asleep, he looked too uncomfortable to actually be in a sound sleep. 

Even though he knew Alex would likely try to fight it, there was no way Jack was going to let Alex go to work today. Knowing that getting Alex to call in would be a fight, Jack got up and walked over to Alex’s side of the bed to grab his phone; he was going to take matters into his own hands. After he picked up Alex’s phone from his nightstand, Jack put a hand to Alex’s forehead and cheeks, grimacing at how warm he felt. Sighing, Jack quietly made his way to the living room, sitting on the couch before unlocking Alex’s phone. He scrolled through Alex’s contacts, eventually finding his boss, Mike. Jack had talked to Alex’s boss before, he’d even met him a couple of times, and he was great; Jack felt confident that Alex wouldn’t be penalized for not coming in, especially considering how much overtime he’d been doing. Jack dialed the number and put the phone on speaker. After just two rings, Mike answered. 

“Hey Alex, what’s up?”

“Hey Mike, it’s actually Jack, Alex’s boyfriend,” Jack started, trying to think of how to best communicate what was going on. 

“Oh, hey Jack, how have you been?”

“I’ve been okay. Listen, I don’t think Alex is going to be able to come in today. When he came home last night, he was very low energy, and out of it. This morning, he hasn’t woken up yet, but he looks awful; he’s sweaty, flushed, shivering, and just looks miserable,” Jack explained, hoping that Mike would be understanding. 

“Geez, I’m sorry to hear that, but I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s been really pushing himself to work crazy hours; I think he’s at the restaurant more than I am at this point. I’ll tell you what, why don’t we give Alex a week to rest and recharge? He was scheduled Monday through Friday next week, but I can get his shifts covered, and I can even pay him half of what he would’ve earned by working. It sounds like he’s got the flu or something, so he’s going to need some time to recover,” Mike proposed, a grateful smile taking over Jack’s face. 

“That would actually be great, thank you so much, Mike! Alex might be a bit pissed at me for doing this behind his back, but I think he really needs a break. Thank you for being so accommodating, I really appreciate it, and I know Alex will, too,”

“No problem, he’s a great employee, and I don’t want him to burn himself out, or put his health in danger. Tell Alex that I hope he feels better soon!” Mike said, before disconnecting the call. 

Jack was relieved that the phone call had gone so well, and that Alex’s boss had been so understanding. Remembering that Mike said that Alex should take a week off to recover, Jack decided to take a week off from his job, too, so he could take care of Alex, and ensure that he actually spent the time resting and recovering. Jack pulled out his own phone, and texted his boss that he was going to take paid leave for the next week to be with Alex while he recovered, but that he had his computer for just in case something urgent came up. As Jack slid his phone back into his pocket, he heard Alex start to cough a bit from their bedroom, reminding Jack that he still had to tell Alex that he was staying home today, and for the next week. 

Before going back into the bedroom, Jack stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a Tylenol. He also grabbed the thermometer from the kitchen drawer, then went back into the bedroom. Alex wasn’t quite sitting up in bed, but he was wasn’t laying down anymore, either. His hands were over his eyes, which Jack could see were tightly shut. Alex had the blanket pulled up as far as it could go without going over his face, and he was doing his best to stifle more coughs. Jack set the water and medicine down on the nightstand, then gently sat on the edge of the bed, next to Alex. 

“Hey, baby, how’re you feeling?” Jack asked, putting his hand on Alex’s side over the blanket. 

“I’m fine, just a little tired. I need to get ready for work,” Alex said, his voice raspy, making him cough again. 

“Alex, you’re sick, you’re staying home today,” 

“No, I’m just tired from the late nights, I’m totally-“ 

Another coughing fit stopped Alex from getting to finish his sentence. Jack quickly helped Alex sit up more in bed, and rubbed his back as Alex slowly regained control of his breathing. 

“Alex, you’re going to stay home and get some rest today, and next week. I called your boss to let him know that you weren’t feeling well, and he said you could have the whole week off to rest and recover. Also, he said that he’d pay you half of what you’d normally make for this week,” Jack explained, once Alex was able to breathe again. 

“What? You called my boss? I’m okay, baby, I’m not-“

“Let’s take your temperature, then we can decide who is right, and who is wrong here, okay?”

Alex rolled his eyes as Jack handed him the thermometer. Once the thermometer was done, Jack took it as it beeped. 

“It says 102.8, Alex, you’re resting this week. I brought you some medicine and water, why don’t you take it?” Jack suggested, grabbing the medicine and water to hand to Alex. 

“Okay, I think I will. To be honest, I do feel really terrible. I’m freezing, but still somehow sweating, everything hurts, and I can’t breathe through my nose,” Alex said, before taking the medicine. 

“I’m sorry you’re so miserable, but I’m glad you’re going to take it easy for the week; you’ve been pushing yourself hard lately. Why don’t we get you changed, and set up on the couch? I can pull it out so it’s like a bed, but I need to get these sheets off of this bed, they’re a bit soaked through,” 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Alex mumbled, before sneezing into his elbow. 

“It’s okay, these things happen. Come on, let’s get you changed, and set up on the couch,” 

Jack helped Alex slowly get up from bed, then walked him over to their shared closet. It was a bit hard to get Alex dressed with all his shivering, but Jack eventually got fresh clothes on his boyfriend. Jack then led Alex out to the living room, and quickly pulled the couch out, then set Alex up on it, with an abundance of blankets and pillows. After handing Alex the TV remote, Jack went back into the bedroom to change the sheets. After stripping the dirty sheets, Jack quickly put on the backup set, and put the old ones straight into the washer. Once that was done, Jack went out to the living room to sit with Alex, who was wrapped up in several blankets now. Jack sat on the couch next to his boyfriend, and put his arm around Alex’s shoulders. 

“You can put on whatever you want, do you need anything?” Jack asked as he got comfortable on the couch. 

“Nah, I think I’m okay for now,” Alex replied, coughing as he put on a rerun of South Park. 

They stayed like this for a while, Jack stroked Alex’s hair as the episode played. Towards the end of the first episode, Alex began to shift around some on the couch, raising Jack’s concerns again. 

“Hey, are you okay, Alex? Are you feeling super uncomfortable again?” Jack finally asked, continuing to stroke Alex’s hair. 

“Um, I think so, my stomach just hurts a bit,” Alex replied, looking down and shutting his eyes. 

“Do you think you’re going to be sick?”

“I don’t think so, it feels like it’s just pain,”

“Hopefully you’ll start to feel better soon. Do you maybe want to try sitting up some more? That might help the pain go away,”

“Yeah, I guess so,”

Jack slowly helped Alex sit up more against the back of the couch, and then scooted closer to Alex, to keep him propped up. 

“How’s this?” Jack asked, gently putting his hand on Alex’s leg. 

“It’s good, this is actually more comfortable,” Alex replied, looking over to Jack with a grateful smile. 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. Do you want to watch another episode of the show? I think the channel is gong to keep playing reruns for several more hours,” 

“Sure, that sounds good. Honestly, I might fall asleep at some point, I’m still pretty tired, even though I woke up not too long ago. Would you mind if I took a nap?”

“I wouldn’t mind at all, you need to get as much rest as you can so you can get to feeling better. I might get some chores done around the apartment while you sleep, but I’m not going to leave you here by yourself or anything,” 

“I don’t want you to feel trapped here or anything,” Alex continued, coughing into his elbow. 

“I won’t feel trapped, I promise. I just want to be here with you, doing what I can to help you feel better,” Jack replied, rubbing Alex’s back as he tried to regain his breath. 

“You’re the best, thank you,”

“I love you, Alex. Hey, it looks like the next episode is coming on,” Jack said, pointing to the TV. 

Alex lazily smiled at Jack, and Jack smiled back, before placing a kiss on Alex’s forehead. Jack hugged Alex closer to him, and they began to watch the next episode of the TV show. They stayed like this through two more episodes of the show. By the time the third was starting up, Jack felt Alex lay his head down on his shoulder. 

“Hey, are you getting tired again? Why don’t you take a nap?” Jack suggested, as Alex slowly lifted his head back up. 

“I think I will, my head really hurts, and I think getting some sleep might really help,” Alex replied, letting Jack help him lay down and prop his head up with pillows. 

“That sounds like a good idea. I might do some straightening up, but if you need anything, just call for me, okay?”

“I will, thank you for being so great, Jack. I love you so much,” Alex said, sneezing into his elbow. 

“I love you, too. Get some sleep, I’ll be in the next room over,” Jack assured, making sure that Alex was comfortable before walking into the kitchen. 

Jack wanted to get some of the dirty dishes washed and put away while Alex was sleeping, so he wouldn’t have to spend time away from him once he woke up. There weren’t too many dishes piled up, but Jack decided it would be best to put away what was there, so it wouldn’t become unmanageable over the week. Once the dishes were done, Jack found a couple cans of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup in the pantry, and heated them up on the stove for Alex when he woke up. When the soup was warm, Jack left it covered in the kitchen, then went into the laundry room. 

The sheets he’d put in the washer earlier that day were done in the washer, so Jack switched them over to the dryer, then took a very full laundry basket of clean clothes into their shared bedroom to put away. Normally, Jack was really good about keeping up with their laundry, but Jack had somewhat neglected it over the past couple of weeks. It took him much longer to put everything away than he expected, but he felt extremely accomplished once he was finished. After putting the laundry basket back in the laundry room, Jack went back out to the living room, where Alex was still fast asleep. Jack didn’t have any other chores that he needed to get done, so he sat on the chair next to the couch, not wanting to take any of the space on the couch from Alex while he slept. He pulled out his phone, and began to scroll through Instagram. After a little bit, he looked over to Alex, who was still fast asleep. 

Jack felt bad for Alex, he looked incredibly miserable. His face was still very flushed, and he was groaning intermittently, which Jack knew meant he was uncomfortable. Jack wished that he could take Alex’s pain and discomfort away, it was hard to see the person he loved so much in this state. While he was glad that Alex hadn’t put up much of a fight about taking some time off to rest and recover, he couldn’t help but wonder why Alex had worked himself hard enough to get in this state. Sure, Alex had always had a very high work ethic, but he had never worked himself hard enough to get so sick before. Jack made a mental note to talk about this with Alex eventually, because he certainly did not want something like this to happen again. For now, though, Jack would stay silently sitting in the living room, waiting for Alex to wake up.  

————

Jack had stayed sitting on the extra chair on his phone for quite a while, but eventually felt his eyes grow heavy from looking at the bright screen. He had closed his eyes to take a short nap, despite the chair not being the most comfortable thing to sleep on. Only about thirty minutes after he had drifted off, Alex slowly started to wake up, groaning as he slowly opened his eyes to see the sun shining right through the window. 

As he started to feel more awake, Alex couldn’t help but notice that he had quite the headache, and it seemed to be getting more intense by the second. He started to haphazardly feel around the couch for another pillow, wanting to cover his eyes from the sun that was making his head feel worse. Eventually, he found a throw pillow, and put it over his face, tightly squeezing his eyes to block out as much light as possible. While this helped some, Alex knew that the only way he was going to get rid of his headache would be to take a pain reliever. 

“Jack, hey, are you awake?” Alex finally asked, his voice weak, but just loud enough to wake Jack up from his sleep. 

“Hey, Alex, how’re you feeling? Sorry for dozing off for a minute there,” Jack replied, taking a deep breath in an attempt to get his mind and body to wake up. 

“It’s okay. Do you think you could get me some Tylenol, if I can even have any? I just woke up, and my head is killing me, and I’m feeling achy again,” Alex requested, coughing into the pillow. 

“You can definitely have some, it’s about one in the afternoon, and you had that first dose around eight or eight-thirty. Do you still have a fever?” 

“Probably, I’m still freezing, like I was earlier when you said I had one,”

Jack stood up from his chair and walked over to the couch. Upon first glance, Alex did look a bit better than before; his face wasn’t quite as flushed, and he did look a bit more rested, thanks to the three and a half hour nap he’d just taken. Jack put his hand on Alex’s forehead and cheek, delighted that he wasn't as warm as he’d been earlier. 

“You’re still warm, but you’re not burning like you were earlier, which is a good sign! I’ll be right back with the medicine, and some fresh water,” Jack said, before walking into the kitchen. 

Jack looked through the cabinet of reusable water bottles in the kitchen, and found a large bottle that he knew Alex liked, hoping that it would encourage Alex to keep himself hydrated for the rest of the day. Once the water bottle was filled, Jack grabbed the medicine, then went back out to the living room. Alex was sitting up a bit more now, his eyes still tightly shut as he wrapped his blanket tighter around himself. 

“Here’s your water and Tylenol, why don’t you take it before you get too wrapped up in that blanket?” Jack suggested, laughing as Alex began to slowly unwrap himself from his blanket cocoon. 

“That’s a good idea. Thanks for getting this for me,” Alex replied, before quickly downing the pills, grimacing as they went down his throat. 

“Does your throat hurt?” 

“Yeah, it feels really raw and sore. It was already like that before I went to sleep, but I guess I had my mouth open the entire time, because it feels worse now,” 

Alex started to cough again, so Jack carefully grabbed the water bottle from Alex, and set it on the side table, before sitting down on the couch next to his boyfriend. He rubbed Alex’s back until he was finally able to calm himself down again. Jack scooted closer to Alex and put an arm around Alex’s shoulders, like he’d done earlier. 

“I’m sorry you’re feeling so shitty, babe,” Jack said, sympathy in his voice. 

“It really blows, I can’t remember the last time that I was this sick. Probably when I was a little kid, to be honest,” Alex replied, staring down at his lap. 

A beat passed as Jack considered what to say next. Alex sneezed into his arm, and Jack tightened his arm around Alex’s shoulders, hugging him closer. When Alex realized this, he stared up at Jack, looking concerned. 

“Is everything okay? You look nervous about something,” Jack pointed out, wondering what could’ve caused the sudden shift in Alex’s demeanor.  

“I just realized, you’re, like, really close to me. I don’t want you to get whatever this is that I have. I can sleep out here until I’m feeling better, but I really-“

“Alex, don’t worry about that, I’ll be fine. Besides, I want to spend as much of this time with you as possible; we really haven’t had a whole lot of time to just hang out with each other within the past few months, y’know,” Jack pointed out, hoping to segue into the conversation that he really wanted to be having with his boyfriend, the one he’d been wanting to have for months now. 

“Well, as long as you’re sure that you’ll be okay. I’ve missed just getting to lounge around with you like we did when we were in college, so I guess that’s the one silver lining to all this,” Alex replied, a small smile on his face. 

“Yeah, we really haven’t had a whole lot of quality time together like this for a bit, mostly since you started working at the restaurant,” 

Alex’s smile started to fade, and he looked back down, away from Jack. Jack started to worry that he’d said too much too fast; he didn’t want Alex to feel cornered into this conversation, but he certainly wanted to address why Alex had been working himself so hard for the last several months. He decided that he would let whatever Alex said next dictate how he proceeded with this conversation. 

“Um, yeah, that’s true, that’s when it started to decrease. I guess working a full time adult job is hard, it makes it hard to spend time with your partner,”

Jack could tell that Alex was a bit uncomfortable, and he really didn’t want Alex to feel like he was being called out, especially if there was something deeply personal that Alex had been keeping buried. At the same time, however, Jack wanted to figure out what had been going on, and hopefully ensure that once Alex was feeling better, that he wouldn’t push himself to work so many days and hours at a time. 

“Well, yeah, it can certainly make things a bit more difficult, but I think we both know that you’ve been working way more than a full time schedule; you’ve been pulling, like, eighty or ninety hour weeks for quite some time now,”

Alex shifted around, then looked up at Jack; he didn’t look scared, but he looked a bit wary. He took a deep breath, and Jack started to rub Alex’s shoulder with his hand, hoping that it brought his boyfriend some comfort. 

“You’re not wrong, I definitely have been, more often than not,” Alex replied, taking a sip of his water after coughing. 

“Yeah, you have been. Look, I hate to spring this conversation on you when you’re not feeling great, but this is the first time in a while that we’re both actually home and awake enough to talk about this. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for so long, but I think now that you overworking yourself has actually made you physically sick, we need to have this conversation. Alex, why have you been working yourself so hard? I mean, it’s been like this for so many months, I’m surprised it took your body to essentially shut down like this. I’m really not trying to call you out or anything, I just want to support you, and understand where all this is coming from,” Jack explained, trying to keep his tone as even and gentle as possible. 

“Honestly, me too, I’m surprised the workload didn’t wipe me out like this sooner. I mean, there have been days I’ve gone in feeling kind of bad, but just from sleep deprivation and stuff. This is totally different; as much as I want to, I can’t work like this,”

“No, you certainly can’t, and you probably shouldn’t have risked your health to go in and work when you weren’t well rested in the past. My question still stands, though, why have you been putting yourself through hell for this job? I’ve met your boss several times, hell, I even spoke to him today. He seems like a really nice, reasonable guy, has he been, like, making you stay over or pick up a lot?”

Alex scooted himself away from Jack, so he could turn and face him directly. Jack put his hand in Alex’s, still wanting to physically show his support while Alex talked. 

“No, it’s been the exact opposite. Mike has told me several times, like you have, to not push myself so hard, and to take more time off,”

“So, why haven’t you? Why have you been forcing yourself to do crazy hours when you certainly don’t need to?”

“Well, because it feels like I do need to, in order to keep up with you,” Alex finally admitted, the flush on his face deepening as he quickly looked away from Jack, who’s face was overtaken with confusion. 

“Keep up with me? What do you mean by that, love?” Jack asked, tightening his grip on Alex’s hand. 

“Well, you have a fancy, adult job in corporate America, making a ridiculous salary; a good ridiculous, of course. I’m a dumbass who decided to pursue a degree that you need graduate school to make money from, but still decided to drop out of graduate school. You make so much money, and I know we have so many financial goals coming up; we want to buy a house, we want to get married. Well, technically, we’re not engaged yet, but I’m hoping that’ll come down the pipeline at some point, because I really love you. But, yeah, I’m just trying to make sure that I’m doing my part, and you’re not the only one bringing in a decent amount of money for our future,” Alex explained, tears starting to form in his eyes as he spoke. 

Jack leaned in, and pulled Alex into a tight hug. He knew that Alex got emotional when he wasn’t feeling well, and that admitting this was likely really hard. As Alex tried to take deep breaths, Jack couldn’t help but wonder how he hadn’t thought of this before. Sure, Alex had done a really good job of keeping it all under wraps and appearing as fine as he could be, but Jack had no idea that Alex had such a negative view of himself and his worth. 

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay. Alex, I had no idea that you felt this way, I’m so sorry for being so oblivious for all this time,” Jack finally said, placing a kiss on Alex’s forehead after they both pulled out from the hug. 

“Don’t blame yourself, I really wanted to keep all this under wraps, which is why I did everything I could to not make you think it was anything other than me just working a lot,” 

“Well, I’m still sorry I didn’t notice or anything. I hate that you have such a negative view on yourself and your worth, Alex. I know you’re not in your dream job, or a career job, but that’s totally okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now, we’re still so young,”

“You have it all figured out, though. I had it all figured out, too, but I decided to drop out of graduate school like a fucking failure,” Alex continued, as more tears made their way down his face. 

“Hey, you’re not a failure, Alex, you just decided that graduate school, and that career weren’t for you, which is totally okay. Honestly, it’s better that you decided that it wasn’t for you now, rather than after you graduated, five years and so much debt later. You’ll find your career job when it’s the right time, I promise. I know you think I’m all set for life, but I don’t know if I am. I mean, I don’t hate my job, but I don’t know if it is what I want to do long term. We’re so young, we’re figuring it all out, and that’s okay,” Jack assured, stroking Alex’s hand with his thumb. 

“I guess you’ve got a point, I know that I don’t need to have my whole life together right now, but I still wish I made more without having to work so much. Like, I want to contribute to our house fund, and to our wedding fund, once we’re engaged and actually start one. You’re able to save so much each time you get paid, and I can’t do that, unless I work as much as I do. It just sucks, I don’t want you to have to contribute so much, while I contribute so little,”

Alex coughed again, then pulled his blanket up more as he shivered. Jack helped Alex place adjust his blanket, then took a deep breath. 

“Alex, you don’t have to, like, match, what I put into our savings account for the future. There’s no rush for us to move into a home, or do anything like that, you don’t have to kill yourself working so much, just to put a certain dollar amount into our shared account each week. If you can only contribute, like, fifty bucks a check, that’s fine. If you can’t put anything in one week, that’s fine, too. I really want us to get a house, too, but I’d so much rather have you be happy and healthy, and have to wait a bit longer, than for you to overwork yourself and be miserable, just to contribute a certain dollar amount to our account. When you’re healthy again, I don’t want you to keep working so much, I want you to be able to enjoy life, and not feel so stressed about money. Plus, since you’ve been at work so much, it’s been harder for us to spend time together, and I miss it; I miss you,” 

Alex blushed at Jack’s last comment, and Jack smiled at his boyfriend. As they looked at one another, Jack could tell that Alex was much less on edge now than he had been just a few minutes before, to his relief. 

“I’ve missed spending quality time with you, too, I really have. I guess, it just felt like I didn’t deserve to unless I could meet a specific dollar amount. I didn’t want you to think I was just hanging around here, not trying to bring in more money when I could by working more. And, I didn’t want you to think that I was just trying to, like, take advantage of you or anything,”

“I never would’ve thought that, I promise. I appreciate that you want to contribute towards our house fund, and keep everything even, but you don’t need to stress yourself out too much to do it. If you can’t do exactly half, or put in as much as me, it’s not a big deal. I won’t, like, love you any less or anything, y’know?” Jack continued, offering Alex a small smile. 

“Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it. I guess I assumed that you thought the same way about me that I do, so I felt like I had to overcompensate by working crazy hours, to prove that I’m not trying to be lazy,”

Alex reached over to his water bottle and drank quite a bit of water. He then ripped his blanket off, and began to fan himself with his hand. 

“Are you too warm now?” Jack asked, stifling a laugh at Alex’s sudden shift. 

“Yeah, it just hit randomly, but I feel like I’m going to die of heat exhaustion,”

“Well, we don’t want that, but I don’t think that’ll happen. Just stay out of the blankets for a bit,”

“I know, I’ll be okay. But seriously, thank you for talking some sense into me, I love you so much. I really should’ve come to you about this forever ago; maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable now if I’d just done that,” Alex pointed out, coughing into his elbow. 

“Maybe so, but I’m glad that we did talk about this. I love you so much, Alex, and that isn’t conditional on things like income. Besides, this job you have now isn’t your forever career, y’know? Like, you’re figuring things out, which is what you’re supposed to do in your early twenties. Sure, I have a decent job now, but I may hate it in five years and want a change, and that’s okay. You’re so smart, and so capable, and certainly not a failure. Just take everything a day at a time, and don’t put so much pressure on yourself,”

Alex looked to Jack, a huge smile formed on his face as he leaned over to hug his boyfriend. Jack gladly returned the hug, squeezing Alex as close to himself as possible. Alex did his best to hug Jack tightly, but the overall weakness he was feeling made this somewhat of a challenge. Eventually, they let go of one another, and Jack took Alex’s hands in his own. 

“Thank you for being the best, and for having so much faith in me, it really means a lot. I’m going to try to give myself more grace and patience from now on, like I should’ve been doing this whole time. Also, I won’t go back to working so many ridiculous hours at my job; maybe I’ll actually have more time now to explore other options for jobs with this new free time I’ll have,” Alex stated, making Jack laugh. 

“Maybe so, but don’t start overly stressing yourself about that. I should’ve mentioned this before, but I’m more than happy to help you with all this, if you’re comfortable with that. This type of stuff is hard and scary, but it doesn’t have to be so bad, especially if you have someone by your side to assist and support you through it,”

“I would love that, thank you,”

Alex broke into a coughing fit, quickly taking one of his hands out of Jack’s, and covering his mouth with it as he struggled to calm himself back down. Jack put a hand on Alex’s back, rubbing circles into it as Alex continued to cough. Eventually, Alex was able to stop, trying to conceal a grimace as he looked back over to Jack. 

“Does your throat hurt even more?” Jack asked, to which Alex just nodded. 

Jack stood up from the couch, and went into the kitchen. He quickly fixed Alex a cup of honey lemon tea, and brought it out to him in his favorite mug. 

“Thank you, Jack. You really know how to take great care of me,” Alex gratefully said, before taking a small sip of his new drink. 

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t? Besides, we can’t get married if I don’t know the best way to help you feel better when you have a sore throat, right?” Jack teased, smirking as he sat back down on the couch next to Alex. 

“Marriage? Who said anything about marriage?” Alex teased back, carefully setting his cup of tea on the side table next to him. 

“Um, you, about a million times. And me, probably just as many times. I mean, that is the plan, isn’t it?”

“That’s what I’ve been hoping for. I can’t imagine doing life with anyone else. There’s no one I want to share my highest highs or lowest lows with,” 

“I feel the same way, and that’ll definitely happen, but we can talk about that more when you’re feeling well again,”

“Yeah, good idea. Like, just thinking about the future with you makes me excited, but it’s a little overshadowed by how crappy I feel right now,” Alex admitted, sneezing into his elbow. 

“I can imagine. Hey, do you want to turn on another movie or something? You can take another nap if you need to,” Jack suggested, digging through the mess of blankets for the TV remote. 

“Nah, I don’t really want to watch another movie now, I have a feeling that I’ll be doing a lot of that over the next few days. I kind of want to play a video game, but not actually have to do any of it myself, if that makes sense,” 

“What? How do you play a game but not actually have to do anything yourself? Did your fever go back up or something, because that made no sense,” Jack stated, laughing as Alex rolled his eyes. 

“I’m fine, I just didn’t say that right. I really want to play that Pokemon game we bought forever ago, but never actually got around to playing, but I just want to watch it be played. Hey, do you want to play it so I can watch and tell you what to do?”

“That’s one of the weirdest requests I’ve ever heard. You basically want to watch an interactive play through,” 

Jack kept laughing as Alex thought over what Jack said, then started laughing at himself. 

“Yeah, I guess that is what I want. Can we do that? I think it’ll be fun!”

“Sure, I’ll do that, just for you. Let me get the console and controllers set up,”

Jack walked over to the TV cabinet, and turned on the Switch. He grabbed his favorite controller, then went back over to the couch. After taking another sip of his tea, Alex laid back down, and snuggled himself into Jack’s side, making them both smile. As the game booted up, Jack extended his arm so he could have it around Alex, but still be able to operate the controller. As the game booted up, Alex looked up to Jack. 

“Hey, thank you for taking care of me and making me get some much needed rest today, I really appreciate you looking out for me and everything,”

“Of course, Alex, you know I’m always here to support you. I love you so much, and while I wish you didn’t feel so miserable, I’m looking forward to getting to spend some time with you while you recover,” 

“Me too, but hopefully the fever and shit will go away soon, that would make all this a lot more fun for me,” Alex pointed out, stifling a sneeze. 

“I know, but it will if you keep resting and taking care of yourself. If you want to sleep at any point, let me know, I can always play again later,”

“Will do. Hey, the game loaded, you need to make your character!” Alex exclaimed, pointing at the TV. 

Jack laughed as he let Alex direct him in making his character, and through the beginning of the story. Eventually, Jack started hearing soft snores, and laughed when he saw Alex passed out on his shoulder. Jack saved the game, then turned the console off. He hugged Alex closer to himself, then began to scroll on his phone with his free hand, and used his other to stroke Alex’s hair. They stayed like this for quite a while, but Jack didn’t mind. Sure, he would’ve loved to spend the day lounging around with Alex under better circumstances, but that didn’t matter right now; all that mattered was that they were together and had each other.

Hello! Apologies for not posting for several months now, I am currently the only person in my department at work, so I have been doing three people's jobs since January. I've recently had a few new ideas for fics, so I plan on writing and posting more going forward! I also have a few requests sitting in my inbox that I plan on getting done! I for sure could've proofread this fic a bit more, but I really wanted to get it posted (it is somewhat based on my experience the past few months). As always, please feel free to send in requests or ideas, I love writing them! Lots of love, Liv.

#alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrik #all time low #atl sickfic #atlsickfic

[atlfics]

Hello!!! When I posted a couple fics back in January, I thought that was going to be the start of me consistently posting again, and getting back into writing in general. Long story short, my life got a bit crazy (I feel like I am always at my job; I am the only one in my department and am struggling a lil bit), which is why I started posting, then suddenly stopped. While my work life is still crazy, I do want to start writing and posting again. I've had a couple ideas for fics pop up in my head, and still have a few requests that I just never wrote. I also want to rework my chartered fic (which I have said a million times, but I actually want to stick to it this time). I plan on having something posted within the next few days, and am really excited to get back into writing more, I've really missed it, along with the community on here. A new fic will be up super soon!!!!

-Liv

#not a fic

[atlfics]

better than drugs

#literally so true #comments on ao3 and asks on tumblr are straight shots of dopamine

[atlfics]

Please send me numbers, this looks fun!!

Fic Writer Ask Game:

I am bored and I cannot sleep, so I made this! Anyone who also writes fic is totally welcome to reblog this and ask their followers! Anyone is definitely welcome to ask me stuff, but I made this for anyone to use!

Inspiration and Reading Asks:

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

6. How do you find new fic to read? Where do you primarily read fanfiction?

7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics?

8. How often do you reblog/comment on fics that you like?

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fanfiction Writing Asks:

11. How do you come up with your fic titles?

12. Tell the author your favorite fic title of theirs (not the fic, strictly title). Author: what’s your favorite title you’ve come up with and why?

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

14. Do you have a personal word minimum that you hold yourself too? Why or why not?

15. Tell the author your favorite fic of theirs. What’s your (the author’s) favorite fic you’ve written?

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching?

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

19. Do you edit your fics after you write them, or do you prefer to just hit post and run (because it’s someone else’s problem now)?

20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

21. What’s your least favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

22. Do take fic requests? If so, for what characters and why?

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

25. Do you listen to music as you write? If possible, link your writing playlist.

26. What’s your biggest distraction when writing?

27. Do you like to give your readers some warning of what might be coming or just slap them in the face with content at random?

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

29. Have you ever written for an exchange or event of some kind? Which one(s)? Did you enjoy it?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

31. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

33. What do you like writing better: one shots or multi-chapter stuff?

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

35. How much has writing fic changed your life?

36. Are there any fics or fandoms you’re embarrassed to have written or been part of?

37. Give an update on your current WIP - if you don’t have one, give a sneak peek to a title or idea that you have and would like to write.

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

40. How did you come up with the idea for [x fic]?

41. What’s your most popular fic (with the most notes on tumblr, most hits/kudos on ao3)?

42. Asker: pick three of the author’s works. Author: rank them 1 (the best) - 3 (the worst) based on whatever criteria you want - this could be something totally random that isn’t quality related (like simply ranking fics based on how many trains appear in them) - have fun!

43. Talk about a positive experience with fanfiction or the fanfiction community that you will always remember.

44. Rant about something writing related.

45. Fic specific questions - if you have any weird questions about specific works, here’s your shot to ask them!

#not a fic

[atlfics]

Can We Close the Space Between Us- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex flies across the country to be with Jack after he and his girlfriend break up. Word Count: 7402

TW: angst

More notes at the end.

It’s just after five in the morning when Jack is abruptly woken by his cell phone ringing. He groans as his hand fumbles around on his nightstand, hoping to find his phone without having to open his eyes. Eventually, his hand finally lands on his phone, and he swipes at the bottom of the screen to answer, not bothering to check who is calling him first. 

“This is Jack,” Jack mumbles, clearing his throat as his voice is still laced with sleep. 

“Hey man, sorry to call you at this hour, I know it’s, like, super late there,” 

Jack immediately feels confused, hearing Alex’s voice through the speaker. Well, Jack knew it was Alex, but Alex sounded different. Normally, Alex sounded happy and upbeat, but he currently sounded a bit monotone and serious. Jack took his free hand to rub at his eyes, hoping it would help him to feel a bit more awake for this conversation. 

“Alex, hey, what’s up? You’ve never called me at this time throughout all of our years of friendship, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, well, no; I don’t know. I, um, Katie and I broke up, like, a couple hours ago,” Alex finally says, after an awkward silence. 

This statement wakes Jack up, he immediately feels the last few traces of sleep disappear. Jack selfishly feels his hopes start to rise; he’d liked Alex as more than a friend for as long as he could remember. He’d always felt like there was something special between them, something that wasn’t there between him and his other friends, but then Alex got with Katie. 

Alex had gotten with Katie a couple years ago now, and this had crushed Jack. He desperately wanted to be happy for Alex and support him and his relationship, but seeing Alex and Katie together had made Jack feel very insecure and jealous over the years. 

What had really pushed Jack over the edge, was that Alex said he’d planned on proposing to Katie sometime during their current break from tour. When Alex had told Jack that he’d picked out a ring, Jack shared supportive words with Alex to his face, but he secretly moped around his house for days, upset that any chance he could’ve had with Alex would definitely disappear once Katie said yes. 

Jack does his best to push these thoughts to the side; Alex called for support, and that’s what Jack needed to give him in this moment. Still, it’s hard to not have selfish thoughts about what he and Alex could be now that Katie was out of the picture. 

“Hey, are you still there, Jack?” Alex eventually asks, snapping Jack back to reality. 

“Shit, sorry, I am. I guess I’m just kind of stunned, I thought Katie was the one, y’know? I mean, you were going to propose, right?” Jack continues, sitting up in his bed as he feels himself start to wake up more. 

“Yeah, yeah, I was. Actually, I technically did, but I’ll tell you about that later. One of the reasons I called you, aside to tell you that Katie and I aren’t together anymore, was to tell you that I booked a flight to L.A. It gets into LAX around four thirty your time. I’d love to stay with you, but I know it’s super last minute, I totally understand if you have stuff going on; I can always get a hotel. Either way, I think I need to get out of Baltimore for a bit, I need to get out of my house here,” Alex explains, his voice starting to break up. 

Jack can tell that Alex is using everything in him to hold back tears, and this breaks Jack’s heart. He wishes that Alex could teleport to his apartment now so that he can wrap his friend in a tight hug, and remind him of how amazing he is. Seeing- or hearing- Alex upset is hard for Jack; it is very hard for him to know the person he loves more than anyone is hurting. 

“You can absolutely stay with me, Alex, that’s not even a question. I can pick you up at the airport, too; getting an Uber from the airport to my place is a small fortune. We can do something fun when you get here to take your mind off of everything, if you want,” Jack offers, wanting to do and say everything he can to help Alex feel supported. 

“I’ll take you up on the ride, but I don’t know what I want to do when I get there. Honestly, I’ll probably crash early tonight; we broke up just after one in the morning my time, and I haven’t really slept. Like, I went out to the living room to sleep on the couch, but I can’t shut my brain off and fall asleep. That’s why I impulsively booked a flight to L.A.; I know I can’t stay here and expect to be able to take care of myself,” 

“I get it, we can do whatever you want when you get here. I could get your favorite wine and cook dinner, I can make my fettuccine Alfredo, I know you really like it,” 

“You really spoil me, dude. I might have to take you up on that, if you really want to do that,”

“Consider it done! Why don’t you text me your flight information, and I’ll plan to get to LAX a little before four thirty this afternoon?”

“Sure, I can do that. I hope you can go back to sleep for a bit; sorry again to wake you up at this hour,” 

“No need to apologize, you know you can call me anytime for anything,”

“I appreciate it. Well, I guess I’ll see you in a little less than twelve hours,” Alex says, as Jack hears a little yawn escape him. 

“Sounds like a plan. See you soon, Alex,” Jack replies, before ending the call. 

Jack leans his head against his headboard and sighs; this certainly wasn’t what he was expecting to receive a call about at this hour. Seconds later, he feels his phone vibrate. 

Alex: My flight number is #8519, as of now, it’s scheduled to arrive on time. Thank you for letting me stay with you for a bit, and for even answering my call. You are the only person I wanted to talk to. Thank you for always being there for me, you’re a real friend, JB.

Jack couldn’t help but grin at Alex’s text message. Knowing that he was the only person Alex wanted to talk to about this situation made him feel special. Sure, he could’ve just been saying that because he was emotional and sleep deprived, but Jack chose to believe it was because Alex really meant what he said. Jack wanted to reply back and say that he loved Alex and that he would do anything for him, but he knew that this wasn’t the time, so he thought up a reply that was more generic and bland, and wouldn’t add to the stressful bout of emotions Alex was no doubt feeling now. 

Jack: I’ll keep track of your flight to see if anything changes. No need to thank me, you know I’ve always got you. See you this afternoon. 

Jack set his phone down next to him in bed, and closed his eyes. He was way too wired from his conversation with Alex to fall back asleep, but he wanted to sit and breathe for a bit. Jack couldn’t help but feel selfishly excited; Alex was single now, this technically meant that seeing Jack could help him to realize his true feelings, and say that he loved him more than anything, and that he wanted to be together. These thoughts brought Jack a giddy, childlike happiness, but also a sense of dread. Alex had just gotten out of a long term relationship only hours ago, there was no chance that he was going to fly across the country on a whim and profess his undying love to Jack. Jack didn’t want to set himself up to be disappointed or get hurt, like had for so many years, but he couldn’t help but continue to daydream and think up different scenarios where he and Alex end up together. 

Eventually, Jack decides to go ahead and get up so he can start to get his place ready to host Alex. The current break from tour that they were on had only lasted a couple weeks so far, but Jack hadn’t set aside any time to unpack his bags and get himself together. They had six weeks in total off from touring, and typically with a break that short, Jack wouldn’t even bother unpacking his things; he’d just continue to live out of his suitcases that were situated on his guest bed. Figuring that Alex would want to sleep in there during his stay, Jack knew that he’d have to force himself to clear the bed, and tidy up the room. It took him about an hour, largely because he would get distracted by various souvenirs he found in his bags, but Jack eventually had the guest room looking good. 

Wanting to go the extra mile for his friend, Jack wiped down all the surfaces in the room, and changed out the sheets; these were things that he could only force himself to do a couple times a year due to hating the chores so much, and Alex coming into town felt like the perfect reason to force himself to do these things. Once he was done in the guest room, Jack moved on to the kitchen, he cleared off his counter and washed all the dishes that had piled up in the sink since he’d been back from tour. 

Next, he cleared off his dining table, then went to straighten up his living room. There were a few blankets and pillows thrown on the couch, so he folded the blankets, and arranged the pillows in a nicer way. He cleared some clutter from his floor to a better location, and wiped down his coffee table. Still on a bit of a cleaning kick, Jack vacuumed and mopped his floor, making it so clean that he could see his reflection in the hard wood. 

Jack looked over to his room, realizing that it was a bit messier than usual, partly due to the work he’d just done, clearing out the other rooms in his apartment. At first, Jack didn’t see the point of cleaning up his room; Alex was going to sleep in the guest room and hang out in the living room, he probably wouldn’t even step foot in Jack’s room. Even though Jack knew that this was more than likely out of the question, he couldn’t help but think of the possibility of Alex professing his love to Jack and asking him to be his boyfriend, which would likely lead to them both sleeping in Jack’s room. As unrealistic as it was, it was enough motivation to convince Jack to straighten up his room in preparation for Alex’s arrival. Jack changed his sheets and picked up clutter from the floor, which included everything from clothes to knick knacks. 

Once he was satisfied with how his room looked, he quickly cleaned both his bathroom and the guest bathroom, wanting to make sure that everything looked perfect for Alex’s arrival. Jack knew that it was a bit ridiculous to do all this leading up to Alex staying with him; a perfectly cleaned house wouldn’t cause Alex to realize feelings he’d suppressed for years, but he still wanted to do everything he could to make Alex’s stay as enjoyable as it could be. 

When Jack had finally finished cleaning, he took a quick shower and got himself ready for the day. When Jack decided that he was ready, he walked over to the grocery store that was down the block from his apartment to buy the wine and dinner ingredients for Alex. The store wasn’t very busy, so Jack was in and out with his purchases, before walking back home. After putting the groceries away, Jack sat down on his couch, starting to feel a bit tired from his early wake up call. He didn’t want to nap, he knew he’d either wake up feeling groggy, or he’d oversleep, so he decided to put the TV on and watch whatever was on until he had to leave for the airport. 

Jack tried to focus on the show he’d put on, but he couldn’t, his brain was too busy thinking about Alex, and how the next few days with him could go. He hated thinking these things, it felt incredibly selfish to hope that Alex would confess years of being in love after just breaking up with his girlfriend, but he couldn’t help it. This was the most realistic shot he had with Alex in years, it was hard not to hope for the best. Still, Jack knew that his job was to be there for his friend, Alex was clearly hurting, and he trusted Jack to help him through this hard time. 

Jack left his apartment about an hour before Alex’s flight was slated to land, knowing that the traffic would be insane. He was correct, traffic was a bit of a pain to get through, but it didn’t bother Jack much, he was too busy listening to his favorite songs, and thinking about Alex. 

Eventually, Jack pulled into the parking lot of the airport, just a few minutes before four thirty. Jack checked Alex’s flight online, and saw that it had just landed a couple minutes before. After making sure that he had everything he’d need, Jack made his way inside, and over to the baggage claim area. As he sat down in a chair close to the conveyor belt with Alex’s flight number above it, Jack felt his phone vibrate. 

Alex: My plane has landed, I’m walking through the airport over to the baggage claim area now. I’m looking forward to seeing you :)

Jack: Sounds good, I’m sitting in the baggage claim area now. See you in a few :)

Jack couldn’t help but smile at his phone, he felt a mixture of excitement and anxiety bubble in him. He was looking forward to seeing his friend, but he was also a little nervous, not fully knowing what to expect. Was Alex completely distraught about his breakup, was he crying every time something reminded him of Katie? Was he going to act like his normal self, maybe just a bit more down than normal? Jack had no idea how Alex would be, but he knew that he needed to be there for his friend, to help him through whatever feelings and emotions he was currently experiencing. 

After a couple more minutes passed by, Jack could see a faint blur in the distance that kind of looked like Alex. The blur was about Alex’s height, and his hair was the same shade of brown. As the blur moved closer to Jack, he was able to see that it was Alex, and Jack did everything he could to keep his composure. When Alex saw Jack in the crowd of people, he gave him a small smile, which Jack could see some of his sadness through. Jack stood up from his seat, and made his way over to Alex, not wanting to walk too fast and look clingy, but also not wanting to walk too slow, not wanting to look like he didn’t care that Alex was here, or about why he was here. 

“Hey, how’re you doing, man?” Jack asked, immediately wrapping Alex into a tight hug, which Alex quickly returned. 

“I’ve been better, but I’m okay. How’re you?” Alex continued, still holding onto Jack. 

“I’m okay, can’t really complain,”

After a few more seconds, they reluctantly pulled away from one another, giving Jack a closer look at his friend. Alex had dark circles under his eyes, and his face was a bit flushed, Jack figured this was due to the lack of sleep he’d gotten the previous night. There was also a melancholy expression on Alex’s face, like he was doing his best to act like his usual self, but the sadness he no doubt felt was still creeping its way onto Alex’s face. Jack could tell that his face was heating up; this didn’t surprise him, with how long he and Alex had been staring at each other since Alex walked over. 

“Thank you so much for coming to get me, and for letting me stay at your place. I know that this was a bit last minute, and-“

“You know that you can stay with me whenever you want or need to, it’s no big deal. And, it would be cruel and unusual punishment to make you pay for an Uber all the way to my place from here. Like, it’s an insane amount of money,” Jack replied, a nervous laugh making its way out. 

Suddenly, the alarm above one of the baggage conveyor belts went off, signaling that the luggage from Alex’s flight was about to make its rotation. 

“We should probably get over there to find my bag,” Alex said, clearing his throat as he looked to the ground. 

“What suitcase did you bring?” Jack asked, walking closer to the conveyor belt with Alex. 

“The one I normally bring on tour, the purple one. Actually, I think that’s it right there,” Alex replied, pointing to a large purple suitcase that had just appeared on the belt. 

“I’ll get it for you,” Jack quickly said, walking over to the belt before Alex had the chance to. 

Jack waited for the bag to come around to where he was standing, then grabbed it off the belt. After checking the tag to ensure he grabbed the right bag, he walked it over to where Alex was standing, just behind the big crowd of people looking for their luggage. Alex gave Jack a soft smile when he saw him come back with his suitcase. 

“Thanks for doing that, you didn’t have to,” Alex said, trying to grab his bag before Jack swatted his hand away, wanting to carry it for him. 

“I know, but I wanted to. Are you ready to head out to the car?” Jack asked, dragging Alex’s bag behind him as they walked outside, and towards the parking garage. 

“Yeah, let’s do it. By the way, I hate to be lame, but do you think I could take a quick nap once we get to your place? I’m starting to feel that lack of sleep I got last night,”

“That’s not lame at all, dude. I actually never got around to cooking earlier, so why don’t you nap while I cook? We can eat once you wake up,” Jack suggested, using the remote on his car keys to unlock his car. 

“Sure, that sounds good to me. How long will it take to get back to your place from here?”

“Probably about an hour, that’s how long it took for me to get here. Traffic is always crazy in this city,” 

Jack opened his trunk, then placed Alex’s bag inside. The two of them sat in the car, and Jack started the engine. 

“Alright, let’s head to my place! Do you want to talk, or listen to the radio, or sit in silence?” Jack asked, starting to drive towards the exit of the garage. 

“Um, well, I do really want to talk to you about things, but I think I need that nap first. Can we listen to some music?”

“Sure, go to my Spotify and put on whatever you want,” Jack said, not taking his eyes off the road as he hands Alex his phone. 

Alex scrolled through Jack’s Spotify library, carefully weighing his options. Eventually, he decides on Jack’s playlist of his favorite blink 182 songs. 

“Is this my big playlist?” Jack asks, smiling as The Rock Show starts playing. 

“Yeah, it is. I couldn’t decide on a singular album, so this seemed like the best choice,” Alex replied, returning Jack’s smile as he placed Jack’s phone into the cupholder. 

Jack loved Alex’s smile, it made him feel like he was melting in his seat. He did think it was a bit insane how Alex could still look so perfect despite the lack of sleep and intense emotions he had. It took a lot of restraint on Jack’s part to not confess his feelings to Alex right there, but he knew it wasn’t the time or place; he didn’t know if the right time or place would ever present itself, but he knew that it wasn’t right now. 

Jack did his best to refocus his attention to the road in front of him, knowing it would be a very long drive if he just fixated on his feelings for Alex the entire time. He could tell that Alex was stuck in his head, likely ruminating on his breakup; Alex was singing along to the music quietly as he stared out the window he was leaning on. Jack could see a distracted look on Alex’s face, which made him sad. At this point, he really wasn’t sure about how Alex felt about everything. He knew that Alex was probably sad that his relationship ended, and it sounded like Katie had been the one to officially call it quits, but Alex didn’t seem outwardly upset by it. This made Jack want to know what was going on in Alex’s head even more, but he knew he’d find out soon enough. 

Eventually, Jack pulled into the parking garage of his apartment complex, pulling Alex out of his trance like state. He let out a yawn as Jack parked the car, and turned it off. 

“I feel like that drive went by really fast, did it really take an hour to get here?” Alex asked, clearing his throat after he spoke. 

“Yeah, it was just under an hour. You must’ve been really zoned out if you think that the drive wasn’t very long,” Jack replied, laughing as they got out of the car. 

“I guess I was, I just kind of got lost in the music and my head. I feel really tired, like, more than when I first saw you,” 

Alex let out a huge yawn as Jack opened his trunk and pulled Alex’s suitcase out. As Jack shut the trunk, Alex tried to grab his suitcase, but Jack quickly swatted Alex’s hand away. 

“I’ve got your bag, man. You’re tired, just worry about getting yourself inside,”

“You’re the best, thank you,” Alex replied, flashing another smile at Jack. 

Jack gave a small smile in return, then led Alex to his unit. As they walked in, Jack could see a surprised look cross Alex’s face. 

“Wow, it looks great in here! Like, it looks like someone came in and deep cleaned your place!” Alex exclaimed, looking around at his surroundings. 

“Yeah, that would be me. I tided up a bit today since I knew you were coming here,” Jack replied, laughing to himself as Alex continued to to walk around and take in the views. 

“You did more than just tidy up, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your place look this good. Maybe when you first moved in, but not since then,” 

“Well, I appreciate the kind words, but I feel like this is so cool to you, because you’re so sleep deprived. Why don’t you go in the guest room and lay down? Maybe take a nap, I can go ahead and get started on dinner while you rest,” 

“You might have a point, I feel a little insane from the lack of sleep. I’ll set an alarm for two hours from now, so I don’t have to make you wait forever to eat dinner. Does that sound okay to you?” Alex asked, pulling his phone out. 

“Two hours is enough time, but I know you haven’t slept; if you need more than that, please take it,”

“I think two hours will be okay, I don’t want to sleep too long and fuck up my sleep tonight,”

“Hm, yeah, good point. Okay, well, I’ll see you in a couple hours, then. If you need anything, just come find me,” Jack said, leading Alex to the guest room. 

“Will do, thank you again, man. I appreciate you letting me stay here, and for being such a good friend,” Alex replied, taking his shoes off and climbing into the bed. 

“You’re totally welcome. I’ll be right out here if you need anything,” 

Jack turned out the ceiling light and closed the door, then walked into the kitchen. He knew that he had more than enough time to cook dinner, but he wanted to go ahead and get it started, so he could take his time. 

Jack put all the ingredients on the counter, then put a big pot of water on the stove. While he waited for the water to boil, Jack washed the chicken breast he’d bought earlier, then started to season it. Jack’s love for cooking was relatively new, on a recent break from tour, Jack had started to teach himself how to make basic meals, and he had more recently started to take on more complex recipes. Part of Jack’s interest in cooking might have had to do with Katie being an above average cook who had always been good at making Alex’s favorite meals, but Jack swore to everyone who asked that it was because he was tired of eating copious amounts of ramen and Mac n cheese. 

Once the chicken was seasoned, Jack put it in an oiled pan, making sure to cook it most of the way through before flipping it. Eventually, the water had reached a boil, so Jack put a whole box of fettuccine in it, along with a splash of oil. Jack continued to prepare the meal, putting a few pieces of frozen garlic bread in the oven while the chicken and pasta cooked. When the pasta was cooked through, Jack drained the water and put the chicken into the big pot. He added some Alfredo sauce, and mixed in some extra seasoning to give a bolder flavor. 

After pulling the cooked garlic bread out of the oven, Jack decided to go sit on the couch and relax for a bit, since he was done cooking, and still had about thirty minutes until Alex’s alarm was set to go off. Jack ended up scrolling through his social media the entire time, choosing to get lost on Tik Tok rather than his thoughts about Alex. 

Eventually, Jack heard an obnoxiously loud alarm go off, which was followed by a loud, comical yawn. After the alarm stopped blaring, Jack heard footsteps in the guest room, then saw the door open. Alex walked out, rubbing his eyes as he slowly made his way over to the couch where Jack was sitting. He dramatically plopped down on the couch, making the cushion on Jack’s side bounce up. Alex looked a bit less exhausted than he did when Jack first saw him at the airport, but that sad look was still visible on his face, even if it was a bit less obvious. 

“How was your nap? You don’t look quite as haggard as you did earlier,” Jack joked, earning an eye roll from Alex. 

“Thanks for that. It was good, I feel a bit more rested now than I did earlier. I think I’m still going to absolutely crash later when I go to sleep for the night, but I don’t feel completely exhausted anymore,” Alex replied, clearing his throat as his voice was still thick with sleep. 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. Hey, do you want to eat dinner? It’s ready if you want it,”

“I would love to, I haven’t really eaten today. Did you say you’d get wine, too?”

“Yeah, I got your favorite kind, that red one you’ve always loved,”

“What did I do to deserve you?” Alex asks, melting Jack’s heart yet again. 

“I ask myself the same thing about you, y’know,” Jack replies, being totally serious, despite knowing that Alex will likely think it’s a joke.

Jack gets up from the couch and walks into the kitchen, to plate the food and pour the wine. He puts a good sized portion on each plate, along with a piece of garlic bread each, then pours each of them a glass of wine. Somehow, he is able to carry out two plates and glasses, along with the wine bottle, all in one go. 

“That looks so good, Jack. Thank you for cooking, you’re the best,” Alex says, staring in admiration at his plate of food. 

Jack just gives a small smile, the semi frequent compliments from Alex making him ridiculously giddy. He sits back on the couch, and watches as Alex takes his first bite of pasta, then as his eyes widen. 

“Jack, this is so good! I don’t know how you seasoned this, but whatever you did is great. When did you become this good of a cook?” 

“Well, I don’t know that I’m really great, I’ve just learned how to make more than the typical college diet,” Jack replies, a small laugh escaping him. 

“No, dude, this is so good. You should make this every single night on our next tour,” 

“I think you’d probably get sick of it if we had it that often, y’know. Either way, I’m happy to cook more next time we’re on the road, I think it would be fun. Hey, do you want to watch something as we eat?” Jack asks, grabbing the TV remote.

“Sure, you can pick what it is, I’m fine with anything,”

Jack turns on the TV, then begins to channel surf. He quickly finds that one of Alex’s favorite movies is on, and decides to play it. 

“I can’t believe this movie is on, I love it!” Alex exclaims, taking a large sip of wine. 

“I know, that’s why I put it on,” Jack replies, laughing as he sets the remote back down on the coffee table. 

They continue to eat their dinner as the movie plays. Alex drinks his first glass of wine quickly, then immediately pours himself a second glass. Jack is a bit surprised by this, Alex had been much better about pacing himself with alcohol in recent years; the way he was starting to drink tonight was similar to that of the band’s early years. He knows Alex is likely drinking because of his current situation, and he can’t blame him, but he still hopes that Alex won’t turn to binge drinking to deal with this breakup. Once they finish their food, Jack takes their plates into the kitchen, then comes back out to the living room. 

“Hey, I know this is random, but do you want to do shots?” Alex asks, his face a bit pink from the wine. 

“I mean, we can, as long as you think you’ll be okay. I don’t want you to get sick or anything,” Jack replies, hesitantly grabbing two shot glasses and a half full bottle of tequila. 

“I’ll be fine, I know I don’t typically drink as much as I used to, but it’ll be okay, after the day I’ve had, I need to do something fun like this. Also, I think it’ll make talking about everything a little easier. I’m a little nervous to talk about it all, if I’m being honest,” Alex says, clearly avoiding making eye contact with Jack. 

This comment made Jack’s stomach twist in anticipation at Alex’s comment, he wonders what could be so big that Alex feels somewhat afraid to talk to him about. This wasn’t Alex’s first breakup, he’d talked to Jack about all the ones before this one. Sure, these might not have been the most enjoyable conversations, particularly on Alex’s end, but Jack had never been under the impression that Alex was afraid to talk to him before. With a deep breath, Jack carefully poured out two shots, then handed one of the glasses to Alex. They clinked their glasses together, then quickly downed the liquor, both cringing at the strong taste. 

“We’ve been drinking for so many years now, you’d think the taste would get less terrible over time,” Jack stated, coughing as the alcohol burnt the back of his throat. 

“I think it’s honestly gotten worse over the years. Maybe that just means we’re getting old,” Alex replied, laughing as he sets his glass down on the table. 

“You’re probably right, but let’s not think about it like that,”

Jack laughs as he feels his brain tingle, he knows his alcohol is starting to kick in and is making him tipsy. He’s not drunk, but he definitely feels like he is in a slightly altered state. Alex’s face turned a deeper shade of pink, and Jack can tell that Alex is a bit further gone than he is, but he’s fairly confident that Alex is still lucid enough to talk about whatever he’d been alluding to. 

“Okay, I’m definitely feeling my alcohol now, but I’m still coherent enough to talk about everything. I’m in that sweet spot of being a little tipsy, but not stumbling around drunk. Kind of like how you’ve always liked to feel when we’re onstage,”

Jack laughs at this, Alex wasn’t wrong, he did enjoy being slightly buzzed when performing, but Jack knew Alex had only said it because he was a bit under the influence. 

“Well, I’m glad that you don’t feel like you overdid it with the booze. If you want to talk about everything with your breakup, I’m all ears, but you obviously don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jack said, causing an obvious shift in Alex’s mood. 

Alex looked down at his feet as he took a deep breath and awkwardly shifted around in his seat. He cleared his throat, then slowly brought his gaze back up to Jack. 

“I want to talk about it, I’ve wanted to since I called you this morning about it. I’m going to, like, now, it’s just kind of hard. There’s a lot to it, some of it is easier to talk to you about, some of it is harder, but I want to tell you everything, even the hard stuff,”

Alex’s voice was starting to sound a bit shaky, and Jack could tell that Alex’s anxiety was rising. Without thinking about it, he scooted closer to his friend, and put a supportive arm around him. Alex smiled at the contact, the alcohol in Jack’s system made this smile feel more special than all the ones from earlier in the day. 

“Well, like I said, I’m here to listen and support. Take your time, don’t force yourself to tell me things you don’t really want to share, I’m here for you no matter what,”

“So, like I said on the phone earlier, Katie and I broke up late last night. I know you remember that I told you that I was planning on proposing, which I did; I asked her to marry me at dinner last night,”

“Wait, what? I had no idea you were already going to ask her! How did it happen? I mean, I guess she didn’t say yes, or she changed her mind,”

“It was a little bit of both of those things, actually. I’d made us dinner and bought her favorite cake from the bakery down the street from our place. Er, well, her place now. Anyway, between our main course and dessert, I got down on one knee, and asked her to marry me. She didn’t immediately say yes, which I didn’t want to think too much about, I assume it’s kind of overwhelming to be in that position, but when she did eventually say yes, she didn’t seem very excited. To be totally honest, as soon as I’d asked her, I wished I could take it back. I didn’t know why, or didn’t want to acknowledge why, but it just didn’t feel quite right. Anyway, a couple hours later, we were going to get in bed, and she said she wanted to talk, and that’s when she said that we should call it quits,” Alex explained, the beginnings of tears starting to form in his eyes. 

Jack instinctively wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders to give him a hug. Alex quickly brought a hand to his eyes to stop his tears before they could really fall. It broke Jack’s heart to see Alex cry; if he controlled the universe, Alex would never have to experience a sad or heavy emotion in his life. 

“Damn, that’s honestly cruel, dude. I’m so sorry that your proposal ended so badly. Did she at least say why she wanted to break up?”

“Yeah, she did. She said that she wasn’t really happy, and she knew that I wasn’t either,”

“Wow, I thought you guys were the happiest couple out there, you guys always looked so in love. Was it true, though? Were you not happy with her, either?”

“Honestly, not really. I mean, I did love Katie, but the longer we were together, the more I realized that I loved her as a friend, rather than as a romantic partner. Also, um, I’ve realized that I’ve been using her to distract from how I’ve really felt about someone else,”

Jack felt his heart beat start to rapidly increase; he didn’t want to be foolish enough to think that Alex’s mystery crush could be him, but this daydream was certainly starting to become more realistic. Just the way that Alex had been looking at him, and talking to him, all day made Jack truly start to believe that his hopeless crush on his best friend could be more than that. 

“Wow, I never got the impression that you liked someone else, I really thought that you were all about Katie. If you don’t mind me asking, who is it that you’re really into? Also, does Katie know who it is?”

Jack hated to feel so invasive and in Alex’s business, but he couldn’t help it. Now that Alex had admitted that there was someone else, Jack had to know if it was him. He still didn’t want to get his hopes up, he knew that if he had this expectation that Alex would say his name then didn’t, that it would hurt more than anything, but he was still hopeful. 

“Um, this is the part where it gets harder to talk about. I want to talk about it, I want to tell you everything, and I plan on it, but I’m scared. You and your friendship means the world to me, and I just don’t want to fuck anything up,” Alex said, his voice small. 

“Alex, I can promise you that no matter what you say, nothing would ever be able to ruin our friendship. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and the best person I’ve ever known, nothing will ever change that,”

“Okay, here it goes, then. Yes, Katie knows who the person I really like is. That’s why she broke up with me, she knew that I wouldn’t ever feel truly happy or fulfilled with her, and she didn’t want to stand in the way of me being with this person. The person who I really like, um, is you, Jack. I’ve liked you for so long now, but never wanted to act on those feelings, for if you didn’t feel the same; I didn’t want to risk ruining the best friendship I’ve ever had. I know I’ve had a lot of relationships and flings over the years, but as I’ve gotten older, i’ve started to realize that those relationships didn’t happen because I really loved the person I was with at the time, but it was because I loved you, and I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings. I was scared then, and I’m still scared now, but I can’t keep this in anymore. I’m sorry if I made things weird by saying that, or if I made you uncomfortable, but I can’t keep suppressing those feelings and being dishonest, with myself and with everyone else in my life. Jack, I love you, I always have, and I always will,”

Jack sat motionless, his eyes wide in shock. He didn’t know what to say, he was stunned. Sure, he’d been daydreaming about this moment for years now, but he never thought he’d actually see it happen. 

“Are you going to say anything, or-“

Jack cut Alex off by leaning in and wrapping his arms around Alex as he started to kiss him. Alex quickly started to kiss back, wrapping his arms around Jack. This kiss was everything Jack had ever hoped for and more. He didn’t know how to explain it, but kissing Alex just felt right; anyone else he’d ever kissed paled in comparison. As they kissed, they both hugged each other tighter, both wanting to be as physically close to the other as possible. Eventually, they slowly pulled away from one another, catching their breath as they stared at one another in disbelief, and bliss. 

“Alex, I love you, too. I’ve loved you ever since I met you, and my love has only continued to grow as our friendship has gone on. You are truly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and being with you has always been my dream. I’m sorry for never telling you, I just always saw you with other partners, and assumed that you never saw me in this way. No offense to Katie, but I’m so glad that you guys broke up and that you’re here, in my living room, tipsy from wine and tequila, and kissing me. I love you so much, and I want to be with you, I want to be much more than friends,”

Alex smiled, the tears from earlier returning to his eyes, but they were happy tears this time. 

“I want to be with you, too, Jack. It’s always been you, it’s just taken me ridiculously long to realize. Thank you for waiting for me, but I’m so sorry I had to put you through that,”

“It’s okay, I’d do it again if it meant I’d get to be with you,”

They hugged each other tightly, then shared another quick kiss. Once they pulled back, Alex let out a yawn, making Jack laugh. 

“Are you sleepy?” Jack asked, feeling himself snap back into reality. 

“Well, yeah, that lack of sleep last night is really fucking me up, but I don’t want to sleep. We just became a couple, I don’t want to kill the mood by falling asleep,” Alex replied, leaning his head on Jack’s shoulder.

“I’m excited too, but you need to rest. Why don’t we change into comfy clothes and get into my bed? You don’t necessarily have to sleep yet, but we can at least be relaxed, and we can cuddle,” Jack suggested, making a smile appear on Alex’s face. 

“Let’s do that, I like that idea,” 

Alex and Jack slowly stood up from the couch, the alcohol in their systems making them a bit unsteady on their feet, then they made their way into Jack’s room. Jack handed Alex a hoodie and pair of sweatpants, then they both changed out of their street clothes. Once they were changed, they climbed into Alex’s bed, and immediately cuddled into each other. Jack hugged Alex tightly into him and kissed the top of his head, still riding his high from earlier. 

“I’m so glad you’re here, Alex. I love you so much, I always have, and I always will,” Jack said, as Alex closed his eyes. 

“I love you, too. Thank you for being the best thing to ever happen to me,”

Jack smiled as he started to stroke Alex’s hair, eventually putting him to sleep. He couldn’t believe it, just twelve hours ago, he was hopelessly in love with his best friend, believing there was no shot for them to be together. Now, he was in bed, cuddled up with Alex, who he loved more than anything. Jack couldn’t believe that his dream of so many years had finally come true; so far, it was better than he ever could’ve imagined.

Hello! So, this fic ended up being longer than I expected it to be. I figured it would be around 5,000 words, but it's just over 7,000. I had a lot of fun writing this one, I randomly got the general idea for it, and decided that I needed to write it. I think I like how it turned out. I have a few other ideas that I plan on writing, along with a few requests, so I should have more stories up soon! As always, please send in requests if you have them, I love bringing your all's ideas to life! Thank you for reading, it means the world. -Liv

#alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrik #atl #all time low

[atlfics]

I have been on such a writing kick these last couple weeks. I’ve been working on a new fic that I’m really into, it’ll be up either tomorrow or Friday. It’s going to be between 6K and 7K words, I’m so excited to get it up, and to keep writing!

#not a fic

[atlfics]

Jack's New Year's Eve Party- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex doesn't act like himself at Jack's New Year's party. Word Count: 4171. Takes place during the Don't Panic era.

TW: drinking

More notes at the end.

“Jack, I can’t believe your parents are trusting you to throw a New Year’s Eve party at their house while they’re visiting your family back home. I know they’re pretty laid back, but this is insane,” Rian asked, laughing as he cracked open his first drink of the evening. 

“I don’t know, to be honest. When I asked them about it, I was kind of kidding, but they said yes, so I went with it. I’m excited, though, this is going to be the party I always wanted to throw here in high school. I’ve always felt like this is such a cool party house, and I never got to fully see that vision out back then. I guess now that I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m more of an adult in their eyes,” Jack explained, placing some drinks into a large cooler. 

“Your whole job is to party, Jack, I don’t necessarily think that your parents see you as this mature, wise beyond your years adult,” Zack joked, laughing as he helped Jack load up the cooler. 

“It could be! Either way, I’m so excited for this, it’s going to be such a fun night celebrating the end of such an amazing year. This has been a great year for the band, with the release of ‘Don’t Panic’, it feels like we’ve reached a new level, y’know?” Jack continued, smiling in pride at his thought of the band. 

“We really have, and it’s all thanks to Alex’s songwriting!” Rian said, walking over to Alex and nudging him. 

Alex put on a forced looking smile as Jack turned away from the cooler to look at his friend. Jack was surprised to see such an uncomfortable look on Alex’s face; he knew that Alex was very humble and shy when it came to compliments, but this look seemed different. He couldn’t put his finger on what Alex’s facial expression was saying, but he knew it was at least somewhat odd. 

“Well, it wasn’t just me, you guys are a huge part of the writing process, too. I couldn’t do what I do without you all. I mean, you guys will just come into the studio with a riff or a beat, and a song just naturally forms,” Alex replied, his face turning a light shade of red as he spoke. 

“Yeah, it’s a group effort, but you’re the captain of this ship, man,” Zack added, making Alex’s face get even redder. 

“Thanks, guys. Hey, we need to finish setting everything up, it’s almost ten, and we still need to make sure the decor is up, and that there are coolers and cups in every room people are allowed to go in!” Alex exclaimed, abruptly changing the subject. 

“It should all be fine, but let’s double check, I guess,” Jack decided, letting Alex have an out from the conversation. 

Jack could’ve sworn he saw a small smile cross Alex’s face when he spoke, almost as if it were to express gratitude for getting out of the conversation. Deciding to ignore it for Alex’s sake, Jack led everyone from the kitchen into the living room, where Rian, Zack and Alex took a seat. 

Jack went around through the rest of the house, making sure that it looked ready for later. He checked the dining room, which was set up for beer pong, and the den. Next, he went downstairs, where there was a Billiards table and slot machine, along with a built in bar, which was fully stocked with beer and liquor. Smiling at his work, Jack went back upstairs and sat in the recliner chair by the couch. 

“Everything looks good, I’m so excited! This is going to be the best party our school has ever seen!” Jack exclaimed, making his friends laugh.

“Our school? Do you mean the one we graduated from almost seven years ago?” Zack asked, continuing to laugh at Jack’s comment. 

“Oh shit, it’s been that long? We’re really getting old,” Jack stated, mock panic on his face. 

“We really are, dude,” Alex said, staring off into the distance. 

Jack, Rian and Zack shared a glance after Alex’s comment, but before anyone could speak, the doorbell rang. 

“Our first party guest is here! Zack, put on some music that doesn’t suck!” Jack exclaimed, bolting up from his seat, and rushing over to the front door. 

“Hey now, none of my music sucks,” Zack defensively replied, connecting his phone to the speaker system in Jack’s house. 

“Hey, how are you?” Jack asked, a huge smile spreading across his face as his first guests walked inside. 

“Hey, Jack! Long time no see! Same for you three, too!” One of the guests exclaimed, hugging Jack, then making his way over to the couch to greet the other three. 

Before Jack could even close the door, more people walked up to be let in. Jack was just as excited to see the next group of people as he had been for the first, practically pulling them inside his house. 

This started a chain reaction, several more people quickly started to walk up Jack’s front step to be let in. Jack decided that he didn’t want to be stuck by the door for the foreseeable future, so he left the door open and unlocked the storm door, and went back over to the couch, where his first couple of guests were catching up with Rian, Zack, and Alex. 

“So, you guys have really been all around the world at this point, haven’t you?” The guest asked, opening a beer from the cooler, and passing one to the friend he’d come with. 

“Yeah, we really have now, it’s so crazy. I don’t think we ever pictured the band taking off like this, and being so successful. It’s everything we’ve dreamed of and more,” Rian replied, a huge smile on his face. 

“We knew since high school that you guys would take off. You’re all so talented individually, and bring so much to each other’s talents. And, you guys have the best frontman in the game, which I think has made all the difference,” the other guest added, as everybody turned to Alex, who had been completely silent throughout the entire conversation up to this point. 

“That’s very kind, thank you. It really is a group effort, though,” Alex said, clearly trying to get the attention off of himself. 

Jack noticed that Alex didn’t have a drink in hand, which was very unlike him in a party atmosphere. He decided to help his friend out, so he got up and grabbed Alex’s favorite beer out of the cooler that was on the other side of the room. When he walked back over to Alex and held the beer out for him, Alex almost looked confused at the gesture. 

“Oh, thanks, Jack. This is my favorite,” Alex stated, another forced smile making its way onto his face. 

Jack really wanted to pull Alex to the side and ask him what was going on, but he didn’t want to make Alex feel more uncomfortable than he probably already did. He hoped that Alex might eventually talk to him, because he was concerned, but he didn’t want to make anything worse. 

“You’re welcome, man. Hey, should we go play beer pong in the dining room? This is a house party, after all!” Jack exclaimed, making everyone but Alex smile in excitement. 

“Let’s do it!” Rian exclaimed, leading his friends out to the dining room. 

Alex trailed behind, looking down at his feet as he slowly made his way into the dining room. Once they were in the dining room, Rian led Zack over to one side of the table, and Jack guided Alex over to the other. 

“We should do a two versus two! Me and Zack versus you guys!” Rian exclaimed, looking over to Jack and Alex. 

“I think I just want to watch, actually,” Alex said, avoiding making eye contact with any of his friends. 

“We can’t do a two versus two if one team only has one,” Jack pointed out, causing a guilty look to appear on Alex’s face. 

“Hey, I’ll take Alex’s spot!” A high school friend exclaimed, rushing over to stand next to Jack. 

“Um, sure, as long as that’s fine with you, Alex. I know we’re typically a team when it comes to beer pong,” Jack continued, looking over to Alex. 

“Yeah, that’s totally fine. I’m going to sit and watch. I’m rooting for you, Jack! No offense, Rian and Zack,” Alex replied with another forced smile. 

Everybody shared an awkward laugh as Alex sat down on one of the chairs that was along the perimeter of the room. The others started their game as Alex watched, seemingly zoning in and out as the game went on. Jack couldn’t help but continue to look over to Alex as they played, his concern continuing to grow. Alex was typically the life of any party he was at, so to see him be so reserved and uncomfortable felt very alarming to Jack. 

Once the game was about to end, with Rian and Zack in the lead, another huge wave of people walked in, stealing Jack’s attention. Some of the guests walked over to Alex and talked to him, and Jack was fairly certain that the smiles Alex was sharing with them were more genuine than the ones he’d been wearing up to that point. Jack was still concerned for his friend, Alex’s behavior for the past hour had not been his normal, but Jack hoped that seeing more people would bring up Alex’s mood, and make him the happy, fun guy he normally was. 

Since Alex seemed to be a bit happier, Jack took the opportunity to mingle with guests. More people ended up coming than Jack had expected; his guests brought their friends, which made the party multiply in size from what Jack had originally expected. This was more than okay with Jack, he’d always dreamed of hosting a party like this, this was a bucket list night for him. He spent the next forty minutes chatting with everyone, catching up with old friends, and introducing himself to new ones. He took a few shots with different people, but cut himself off earlier than he normally would; since he was hosting, he felt some responsibility to stay sober enough to ensure his guests’ safety. 

Once the new year was only about twenty minutes away, Jack realized that he hadn’t seen Alex since the beer pong game, which had been almost an hour ago. Jack wanted to ring in the new year with his best friend by his side, so he decided that he needed to start looking for him. The first place Jack went to look was the basement, that was the only room he really hadn’t spent a lot of time in since the party started, so he figured Alex could’ve snuck down there at some point. 

As Jack made his way down the basement stairs, he heard loud music and a lot of yelling, quickly realizing he was walking into a very intense game of pool. He laughed as his guests yelled as one of the players shot two balls into a pocket, but stayed focused in his mission of finding Alex. He searched throughout the main room, then opened the bathroom door, thankful to not have walked in on anybody. After one last quick scan, Jack decided that Alex wasn’t in the basement. 

He walked back upstairs, saying hello and laughing to the guests who came up to him on his way. Jack made a lap around the main level, not finding Alex anywhere. The only place Jack hadn’t checked was upstairs, where the bedrooms were. Initially, he didn’t think to look upstairs, since the party was mainly in the basement and on the main level, but he figured that Alex had to be up there somewhere, since he hadn’t been anywhere else. He checked his parents’ room and one of the guest rooms; Alex wasn’t in either room, but some of his other guests were, with their dates, much to Jack’s dismay. 

“Hey, my parents sleep in that bed, don’t make out on it!” Jack exclaimed, causing the couple making out to jump away from one another and look at Jack in the doorway. 

“Sorry, um-“ the girl started, but Jack waved his hand to cut her off, before walking away. 

Jack went to check in the bathroom, but the door was locked. 

“Alex, are you in there, man?” Jack asked, knocking on the door. 

Jack heard some talking from the person on the other side of the door, but it was muffled and incoherent. Seconds later, the doorknob started to twist, and the door was opened up. Rian walked out of the bathroom, a smile on his flushed face. 

“Jack! I haven’t seen you in forever, man!” Rian exclaimed, pulling Jack into an unsteady hug. 

“Forever? Dude, it’s been, like, forty minutes. How’s your night, are you okay?” Jack asked, once Rian let him go. 

“Yeah, this party is great! I’ve seen so many people from our high school class, and I’ve made so many new friends, too! Your parents are the best for letting you host this party!”

“They really are, aren’t they? Hey, listen, have you seen Alex lately? I haven’t seen him since our beer pong game a little while ago, and it’s almost the new year; I want to make sure he’s with us to ring it in,” 

Rian silently thought to himself for a minute, Jack figured the alcohol he’d consumed was making his memory a bit fuzzy. 

“Hm, it’s been a bit since I have. The last time I saw him, he looked like he was going somewhere, and he looked a bit down,” Rian finally said, clearly using most of his energy remember this interaction with Alex. 

“Going somewhere? Did he leave the party?” Jack asked, feeling confused. 

Jack pulled out his phone to see if Alex had texted about leaving for the night, and felt even more confused to see no new messages from his friend. 

“No, I think he’s still here. When I saw him, he mentioned something about going somewhere where only you would be able to find him. He was being super cryptic and mysterious, so who knows what he meant by that,”

Jack felt a lightbulb go off in his head as Rian spoke, a hopeful smile crossing his face. 

“That’s actually really helpful! Thank you, Rian!”

“I’m glad I could be of service. If you don’t have anymore questions for me, I’m going to go back downstairs and find that girl I was flirting with earlier. She might be the one, man,” Rian stated, his tone serious. 

“I’m sure she is, dude. Good luck, I’ll catch up with you later,”

Jack gave Rian an encouraging pat on the back, then quickly made his way to his childhood bedroom. He was relieved to see that there were no party guests in his room, messing with his things or making out on his bed. He knew that it wouldn’t be a big deal if there were, but it was nice to see his space be vacant. Jack took a quick look around his room; it still looked just like it did when he was in high school. His posters were still on the wall, the same bedding was on his bed, and his first guitars were still around the room, some on floor stands and some mounted on the wall. 

He eventually shook his head, getting himself back to reality, and walked over to his closet. Jack opened the door, then pushed the couple pieces of clothing hanging up to the sides, revealing another door. After taking a deep breath, Jack walked into his closet, and opened the door to the steps that led up to the attic. This was one of the reasons Jack had always loved his room growing up, it felt like he had his own hideaway, or bonus room. Sure, his family stored their things up in the attic, too, but it felt like his space. When he had first started hanging out with Alex in middle school, they made the attic their hangout spot. They had many sleepovers and jam sessions in the attic; it was a very special place for the two of them. 

It was because of this, that Jack wasn’t very surprised to find Alex sitting on the attic floor, staring out the tiny window that was on the front of the house. Alex was balled up, his knees in his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. His head was resting on his knees, and the expression on his face brought back the feelings of concern that Jack had felt earlier in the evening. Alex looked sad, an expression he rarely wore, if ever. Jack had absolutely no idea why Alex was upset, but he had every intention to find out, and to do what he could to be there for his friend. 

“Hey, there’s only about fifteen minutes until midnight,” Jack stated, quietly enough as to not startle Alex. 

Alex pulled his attention away from the window and looked up to Jack, the beginnings of tears in his eyes. Jack took a seat and scooted close to his friend, using his hands to balance himself on the ground. 

“Shit, is it really? I’ve not been keeping up with the time,” Alex replied, his voice small and shaky. 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter right now. Alex, what’s going on? You’ve been super quiet and distant all night, when you normally love parties and hanging out with people,”

Alex took a deep breath as he hugged himself tighter, resting his cheek on his knee. He looked down to the ground, then back up to Jack, a shameful look on his face. 

“I don’t know, but I know I’m ruining the night. You can go back down to the party, I’ll be okay,” 

“Alex, we’ve been best friends for more than ten years now. I know something’s up, and I have every intention of staying up here with you to help however I can. Also, you’re not ruining anything, I promise; I just want to do what I can to be here for you,”

“I appreciate that, Jack. I don’t know, I guess the whole ‘New Year’s’ thing just feels different this year. Different in a bad way,”

“How so? Do you just not feel like partying?”

“No, it’s not that. I guess it just feels like I don’t have anything to look back on and be proud of, and I don’t have anything to look forward to in the new year,” Alex explained, sounding embarrassed. 

“Alex, you have so much to be proud of! The band has reached new heights this year, and that is largely because of you! We wouldn’t be this successful without you,” Jack tried, patting Alex on the back. 

“No, the band is a group effort, that’s why we’ve done well this year. Honestly, it feels like that success is because of you three, not because of me. I feel like everything I did this year wasn’t good enough, or at least not as good as it could’ve been,”

“What’s making you think that, though? I know that you know you’re incredibly talented at what you do, what’s making you have so much self doubt now?”

“I think I’ve always felt insecure about my abilities, but it’s been amplified this year. Maybe because we’ve been on bigger stages, figuratively and literally. There’s more people commenting their opinions on us, on me. Sure, we’ve gained new fans, but I can’t go on social media without seeing a negative comment about me, or my lyrics. I know I shouldn’t care so much, I should just focus on the good, but it’s fucking hard sometimes. We started this band to have a good time making music with each other, but I don’t think we thought about the scrutiny that would come when we were jamming in Rian’s basement all throughout high school,” Alex explained, tears finally starting to spill from his eyes. 

“Alex, I didn’t know you were feeling this way. I mean, I know the hate is there, I see it too sometimes, but it’s so small in comparison to the comments of people saying that they love us and our music. When did the hate start to bother you so much?” Jack asked, genuinely surprised that this is what had been bothering Alex throughout the night. 

“It comes and goes, I can’t really remember a specific point in time where it started to bother me. I think that a lot of the time, I can just kind of roll my eyes and laugh, but sometimes it really messes with me. The reason it’s mothering me so much today is because I’ve been reflecting on the year, trying to think of what I’ve accomplished. Anything good that I’ve come up with has been overshadowed by my own insecurities and doubts as a musician and a person,”

Alex moves his head so his face is covered. He unwraps one of his hands from his leg, and puts his hand to his face, wiping away the tears that continue to spill from his eyes. Not knowing what to say, Jack scoots closer to his friend, and puts an arm around his shoulders. Jack hugs Alex tightly to him, as Alex continues to take shaky breaths and cry. They stay like this for a few minutes, sitting in silence, aside from the faint sounds of Alex crying. Eventually, Alex takes a deep breath, then looks back up to Jack. 

“Sorry to dump that on you, I know we’re supposed to be partying,” Alex finally says, his voice unsteady. 

“Don’t apologize, dude. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way, I really had no idea that you’ve been struggling with this. I know it’s easy to say the hate shouldn’t matter, because it can feel like a lot sometimes. I know you might not think this right now, but you are such an incredibly talented musician, and an even better person, and I’m not just saying that. This band wouldn’t be what it is without you, and my life wouldn’t be as great as it is if you weren’t in it. I feel so lucky to have you as my best friend and bandmate, and I know Rian and Zack feel the same. Some mean people with nothing better to do in their lives do not define you, and they really don’t matter. The hate can be loud, but I’m here to be louder, and to remind you of how amazing you are,” Jack replied, wrapping his other arm around Alex to give him a proper hug. 

“Thank you for saying that, Jack. It really means a lot. Sometimes, it’s easy for me to get stuck in my head and fixate on things that are stupid. A wake up call to snap out of it helps, and you’ve done that for me now. Thank you for being such a great friend, I’m so glad we met back in middle school,”

Before Jack could speak, loud yelling started below them, making them both jump. Jack pulled his phone out of his pocket, and saw that it was one minute until midnight. 

“I think they’re counting down, it’s one minute until the new year. Want to watch the time until it changes?” Jack asked, making Alex smile. 

“Sure, let’s do it,” Alex replied, turning his attention to Jack’s phone. 

The muffled sounds started to become clearer, both Alex and Jack realizing that the countdown for the final ten seconds had started. Once the time changed to midnight, they both jumped. 

“Happy new year!” Jack exclaimed, smiling at his best friend. 

“Happy new year! This year is going to be even better than the last!” Alex added, making Jack smile. 

“Damn right it is! This is going to be our year, both as a band, and as people,”

“Thank you again for talking some sense into me, Jack. I really appreciate it,”

“Anytime, man, we both know you’ve done that for me a few times now, too. Are you feeling a bit better?” Jack asked, standing up. 

“Yeah, a lot better. Should we go back downstairs?” Alex continued, letting Jack pull him to stand. 

“We probably should, I need to make sure my parents’ house is still in one piece. Also, we need to check in with Rian and his new soulmate,” Jack said, laughing as Alex raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

“Rian has a girlfriend? Since when?”

“No, not really, but we’re going to go down there and play along, it’ll be a hilarious way to start the new year. I’ll explain as we walk downstairs,” 

Alex laughed again, then followed Jack out of the attic to start the year off right, by messing with Rian, and having a good time with their friends.

Hello! In a perfect world, this would've been up yesterday, on NYE, but I didn't finish it until just a few minutes before posting, so here it is a day late. I spent the last week coming up with possible writing prompts for future stories that I intend on writing, then sharing on here (getting COVID the week of Christmas gives you a wild amount of free time). I'm hoping to have another fic up soon, I've already started on another, so I'm hoping either late this week, or early next week, it'll be up! As always, feel free to leave requests if you have any (I have a couple that I've been starting to work on), I'm always happy to add more to my list! Thank you for reading, it means the world. -Liv

#jack barakat #alex gaskarth #rian dawson #zack merrik #atl #all time low

[atlfics]

Hello! I just wanted to share some update-ish things with you guys. Earlier this year, I started my first full time job since graduating from college, and finding free time to write has been extremely challenging for a multitude of reasons. I've been wanting to write, but finding the motivation has been a bit difficult. Over the last month (give or take some time), I've written and posted 2 new fics, and have started to rediscover my love for writing, especially with ATL/Jalex. Throughout the week, I've come up with a bunch of ideas to play around with and turn into future published fics that I'm so excited to write and share on here, and my AO3. I do have one fic up on my page that is multi chaptered, and I've been thinking about reworking it a bit, so that might be coming, too. I hope to have something up fairly soon, and to start posting consistently again. Thank you for sticking around through this unplanned hiatus, and for the love on my two recent fics, I'm so excited to get back into this part of my life!

-Liv

#liv rambles #not a fic

[atlfics]

Alex's Holiday Blues- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex is grouchy around the holidays, much to Jack's frustration. Word Count: 4550

TW: mentions of family member death

More notes at the end.

“Alex, I’m so excited to decorate our house for Christmas! It’s going to look so magical, and be so special!” Jack exclaimed, pulling into a parking spot in the back of the parking lot at Target. 

“Yeah, it’ll be great. Damn, I can’t believe we’re parking all the way back here, it must be a zoo inside,” Alex replied, looking around the parking lot with a concerned look on his face. 

Jack took a deep breath, not wanting to show his frustration with Alex’s attitude. Decorating for Christmas together had been a tradition that Alex and Jack had done every year since they had been together, it was a tradition that they both typically looked forward to as soon as Halloween was over. 

For the past few days, Jack had been hinting to Alex that he wanted to go to Target to purchase new decorations to add to their already huge collection. Normally, a Target trip to buy decor was right up Alex’s alley, he loved it just as much as Jack did, which is why Jack couldn’t figure out why Alex had such a flat reaction to the proposal of a Target run, and why he was continuing to act so unenthused. 

“It probably is a bit busy, but I think we knew what we were getting ourselves into when we decided to come here. We do this every year, we deal with the crowd every year. I think it’ll be fun to get some new decor, we didn’t get very much last year,” Jack continued, forcing an exaggerated smile, hoping it would put Alex in a more festive mood. 

“That’s true, we didn’t. Well, let’s go and get some stuff so we can get back home,” Alex said, opening his door and getting out of the car. 

Jack breathed a quiet sigh as he got out of his car, locking it once both doors were shut. As they walked up the sidewalk to the entrance of the store, Alex lagged behind Jack with his hands in his pockets, and his gaze down at his feet. Once they got into the store, Jack grabbed a cart, and a confused look appeared on Alex’s face. 

“You’re getting a cart? How much decor do you plan on getting?” Alex asked, as Jack started to walk towards the seasonal section of the store. 

“Well, I don’t plan on, like, buying out the entire store, but I want to get a few things, and I don’t want to have to carry everything by hand. Don’t worry, we won’t break the bank,” Jack replied, trying his hardest to not sound like a smart-ass; he really didn’t want to have an argument with Alex on what was supposed to be a fun day for the both of them. 

“Oh, okay, just wondering,” 

Jack kept walking towards the holiday section, still frustrated and confused by Alex’s attitude. He was determined to have a fun day with his boyfriend, doing a tradition that they both typically loved, so he acted like everything was fine. Once they got to the holiday decor, Jack’s face lit up in excitement; everything was so bright, shiny, colorful and festive. Jack wanted to look at everything, but decided to start with the ornaments. 

“Look at all these ornaments, they have a great selection this year! I love all of the sets, but these individual ones are so cute; we should each pick one out for our tree!” Jack exclaimed, parking the cart and starting to browse the wall of ornaments. 

Alex didn’t say anything, he just began to look up and down the wall, his face remaining emotionless. Without giving it much thought, Alex picked out a fabric dinosaur ornament, continuing to stare down at it when Jack turned to look at Alex. 

“What did you pick? I picked this cute sleigh that has a frame for a photo, I thought we could take a picture in front of the tree once it’s up, and put it in the frame,” Jack said, holding the ornament up for Alex to see. 

“Yeah, that sounds like a nice idea. I picked this little dinosaur with a Santa hat, it was the first thing I saw so I went with it,” Alex explained, mindlessly throwing his ornament in the shopping cart. 

“Well, it’s really cute! Maybe we can name him later, I think that could be fun. Let’s go look at the tinsel and other decor,” 

Jack pushed the cart to the next aisle, glad to see so many different garlands of tinsel to choose from. He was immediately drawn to a garland with red, green, and silver tinsel, and decide that they needed a few of them. He took three down from the hook, and put them in the cart. 

“Three garlands, isn’t that a lot? We do still have garland from previous years,” Alex pointed out, eyeing the mountain of tinsel that was in the cart. 

“We do still have some, yeah, but we really need to replace them. We’ve always hung them with tape, and when we take them down and have to take the tape off, it always makes part of the garland break off, so they’re actually really short now. It’ll be nice to have new garlands, and they’ll probably look better than the old ones, too,”

Alex shrugged his shoulders, then followed Jack as he continued to lead them through the aisles. Jack continued to look at the different pieces of decor, and Alex continued to offer short, sarcastic comments every time Jack added something to the cart. Eventually, Jack decided that he’d had enough, and it was time to go home. They did still have a lot to work with at the house, and everything in the cart would help the house in coming together. Jack quickly scanned everything through at a self-checkout, and Alex made a comment about how high the total cost of everything was, adding to Jack’s annoyance at his boyfriend. 

Once they got back into the car, Alex immediately grabbed his phone from his pocket and started to mindlessly scroll on it, leaning his head against the passenger window. Jack didn’t even try to start a conversation with Alex, he knew that something was up; he wasn’t sure what, but he knew that the car wasn’t the best place to figure everything out. After an awkwardly silent drive, Jack finally pulled the car into the driveway, breaking Alex’s attention from his phone. 

“Oh good, we’re back,” Alex suddenly said, looking around at his surroundings. 

“Yep, we are. Let’s grab everything and go in,” Jack replied, getting out of his seat, and grabbing every bag from the trunk of the car.

Alex slowly followed Jack to the door, watching as Jack struggled to unlock the door while carrying all their purchases. Once they were inside, Alex immediately kicked his shoes off, then went into the living room, leaving Jack to lock the door, while still holding all of the newly purchased decorations. 

“What the fuck, Alex?” Jack muttered under his breath, still upset as to why Alex was acting like this. 

After relocating the door and taking his shoes off, Jack brought all the bags into the living room, where Alex was sitting on the couch, looking at something on his phone. 

“Alright, let’s get decorating! Do you want me to make us some hot chocolate for while we decorate, like we’ve usually done in the past?” Jack offered, setting the bags of decor on the floor by the boxes of the decor they already had. 

“Nah, I think I’m okay with my water from earlier. Anyway, what are we doing first?” Alex asked,  turning his phone off and setting it on the coffee table in front of him. 

“Well, I think we should get the tree assembled where it is supposed to go, then we can string the lights, and do the ornaments. What do you think?”

“Yeah, works for me,” 

Alex slowly stood up from the couch, stretching before walking over to the huge cardboard box that held their Christmas tree. 

“Okay, we have to get the frame secured in the stand first, then we add the branches to the frame. Don’t forget, the branches are color coded; the painted color on the base at the different levels matches up with the colored tags on each branch,”

“I forgot how meticulous this tree is. Let’s get started, I guess,” 

Alex began to sift through the tree box, finding the metal poles that made up the center of the tree. Jack started to go through the box, determined to continue biting his tongue at Alex’s attitude. He started to pull out the branches, and began to sort them by the color on the tags. Alex put the poles in the right order, then put them into the base. 

“Do we need to tighten the pole into the base? I can’t remember, but I’ve never been great at that, if you want to do it,” Alex asked, going back over to the box and starting to sort the branches. 

“No, we don’t have to with this tree. Do you want to go ahead and start putting the bottom layer of branches on the tree, and fluffing the branches?” Jack suggested, continuing to sort the branches. 

“Sure, I guess. Where’s the first layer?”

“Right there, next to you,”

Without saying anything else, Alex began to lazily place the branches on the center of the tree. Once all the branches were on, Alex started to fluff the tree. Normally, Alex was great at fluffing the tree, and making the branches look more life like. This time, however, Alex was clearly not giving his best effort; he would move five or six pieces of tree, then move on to the next branch. When Jack noticed this, he took a deep breath, thinking of a decent way to address this. 

“Alex, do you think you could fluff the branches a little more? What you’re doing is good, but I think the tree would look more realistic if they were a little more fluffed out. I’m just about done sorting the branches, I can help you with it in a minute,” Jack gently suggested, earning an annoyed sigh from Alex. 

“Yeah, I guess I can. It’s going to take a lot longer, though,” Alex replied, starting to go back to the branches he’d already done and re-fluffing them. 

“Well, that’s okay. It usually takes us about twenty minutes to get the tree up, and to get the branches fluffed out, but it’s always worth it. You can never see the pole in the center when we do it right, and it looks really cool,”

“Okay, I’ll fix it,”

Alex silently continued to fluff out the bottom layer of branches as Jack finally finished sorting the branches that were in the box. Jack went over to the tree, and began helping Alex fluff out the bottom layer of branches. Once they were done with the bottom layer, they silently continued to put more layers of branches on the base, fluffing them as they went. 

Jack wanted nothing more than to talk with Alex, to be silly and goofy like they normally were when they put their Christmas decor up. He wasn’t sure why this year was different, but he didn’t want to push Alex to talk, it was very clear that he just wanted to gripe and do the bare minimum for now, and Jack figured that this was better than nothing. Eventually, all of the branches were on the base, and they had been fluffed out. The tree looked very realistic, which Jack felt very proud of. 

“The tree looks great! This might actually be the most realistic it’s ever looked! What do you think?” Jack asked, going over to the boxes of tree decor to find the string lights. 

“Yeah, it looks great,” Alex replied, his voice bored and dry. 

Jack used all of his self control to keep his eyes from rolling. He was hoping that once the tree was up, Alex’s temper would improve, he would apologize to Jack for being so unreasonable, and they would put Christmas music on and make hot chocolate for the rest of their decorating. As down as Jack was starting to feel from Alex’s odd lack of enthusiasm, he wanted to keep going; he’d been looking forward to this for too long to let Alex ruin it. 

“Yep, um, let’s put the lights up. Do you want to be on the ladder, or do you want me to?” Jack finally asked, grabbing two strands of white lights from the box. 

“You can be on the ladder, if you want,” Alex replied, staring down at his feet. 

“I can do that, let me grab the ladder from the laundry room,”

Jack walked down the hall to their laundry room, which is where the ladder, and every other tool they owned, was stored. He opened the storage closet, grabbed the step ladder, then went back to the living room, where Alex was sitting on the couch, looking at something on his phone. 

“Are you ready to string the lights?” Jack asked, setting the ladder up next to the tree. 

“Sure, I guess,” Alex replied, slowly standing from the couch before making his way over to the tree. 

“Okay, I’ll start stringing them, then hand you the string of lights, and we can keep passing it back and forth until the lights reach the bottom, sound good?”

“Sure,”

After a deep breath, Jack started the string of lights at the very top of the tree, then wrapped them halfway, until he reached the other side. He handed the string to Alex, who grabbed it and lazily wrapped it around the other half of the tree. This frustrated Jack further, he decided that he didn’t want the tree to look terrible because of Alex’s attitude, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. 

“Here, why don’t you let me string the lights around the tree? It can be kind of tricky, but I think I have some good tricks to make it look good,” Jack said, wanting to call Alex out, but not wanting to start a huge fight. 

“Sounds good, I’ll be on the couch,” Alex replied, handing Jack the remaining strings of lights. 

Jack worked quickly, wrapping the whole tree in lights in record time. Once he was done, he put the step ladder to the side, then drug the boxes of ornaments closer to the tree. 

“Okay, lights are done, are you ready to hang ornaments?” Jack asked, pulling Alex’s attention from his phone. 

“I guess so, let’s get this over with,”

This comment set Jack off; he’d been so patient with Alex for the entire afternoon, even though Alex had been snippy in return. Jack decided he’d had enough of Alex’s attitude, and he didn’t want to do one of his favorite activities like this. 

“You know what, let’s not hang the ornaments. Or put up the garlands. Or put the little figurines out. Your attitude has been terrible since before we event went to Target to shop. I was hoping that this mood would’ve gone away by now, but I guess I was wrong. I can tell you have no interest in helping me, so I wont make you. Thanks for ruining one of my favorite traditions we have,” Jack said, making Alex’s eyes widen in shock. 

Before Alex could reply, Jack stormed off to their shared room, slamming the door shut behind himself. He sat on his side of their bed, looking down at the floor. Jack heard footsteps approaching their room, making him roll his eyes; why did it have to take him snapping for Alex to realize he’d a jerk? There was a soft knock at the door, before it slowly opened, revealing a guilty looking Alex. Alex cautiously walked over to where Jack was sitting, and took a seat next to him. 

“What, do you have some more smart ass comments to say?” Jack asked, crossing his arms over this chest and looking off to the side. 

“Jack, I’m so sorry, I really am,” Alex replied, putting an arm around Jack’s shoulders. 

“Sure, you’re just saying that so I’ll let this go, and you can keep doing what you’ve been doing all day,”

“No, I really am sorry. I’ve been in a bit of a mood lately, and I took it out on you, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m really sorry,”

Alex’s voice had cracked as he spoke, making Jack look back over to him. There was a a sad look on Alex’s face, one that Jack hadn’t seen in quite some time. Even though he was still upset at Alex, he decided to give his boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. 

“You’ve been in a mood? Why’s that?” Jack asked, turning his body to face Alex, wanting to appear less closed off and more interested in what Alex was going to say. 

“Um, I’ve not really been in the holiday spirit this year, as compared to previous years,” Alex started, his face heating up and turning red.

“Oh, well, do you know why? The season’s only just begun, why are you already saying you’re not as into it this year?”

Alex took a deep breath as he shifted around uncomfortably in his seat. He played with the hem of his shirt for a minute as he compiled his thoughts. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak. 

“It’s hard to explain, but I’ll do my best. The holidays feel different in a weird way, they don’t feel like I think they should,”

“Okay, in what way do they feel different? I mean, does it feel bad?” 

“Um, bad is a decent word to describe it. Lonely kind of sums it up, too,”

Alex tilted his head down, fixing his gaze on the floor. Jack couldn’t help but feel surprised, he didn’t expect Alex to get so down so quickly. 

“Why do you feel lonely? We always do things together, and with friends and family, at this time of year. Is this year going to be different?”

“Well, it’s going to be like last year, and the year before, which were the first years it felt different,” 

Jack stayed silent for a moment, thinking back to the previous couple years. Suddenly, he realized what Alex might be alluding to, and took a deep breath as he thought about how to proceed. 

“Well, I know your grandfather died a couple years ago, is that what is making Christmas feel weird?” Jack gently asked, scooting closer to Alex. 

“That’s a huge part of it, but I don’t feel that same holiday magic that I used to. I know some of that magic disappeared because I’m not a little kid anymore, but the holidays just feel so weird now. My grandfather passed in November two years ago, right around the holidays. That Christmas, we visited my dad’s family down south, do you remember that?” Alex asked, doing everything in his power to maintain his composure. 

“Yeah, I remember, it was cool to meet everyone,”

“I’m glad you got to meet people, but I felt like we wasted our time being there. My entire family had things planned, my cousins there all have kids and spouses and in-laws, which they didn’t use to. I remember going to visit them down south for Christmas as a kid; people planned around us coming, and we got to spend so much quality time with everyone. We always stayed with my grandparents, who passed way before I met you, or my dad’s brother. We’d hang out with my dad’s other brother’s family, in their little house with 1950’s wallpaper, and my aunt’s creepy dolls and figurines. His family didn’t have a whole bunch of extra money, so gifts were never super extravagant, but it was so fun getting to be with everyone,” Alex explained, a sad smile spreading on his face as he reminisced. 

“That does sound really fun, I never got to experience that since my family is across the world,” Jack replied, not wanting to make the conversation about himself too much; this was about Alex and his feelings. 

“It was the best. Sometimes, we’d go out west to visit my mom’s sister and her family for Christmas. We didn’t do this much, but it was so fun when we did. It was so different than Christmas at home, and with my dad’s family, but it was so fun. Some years, we went up north to visit my mom’s parents, before they moved here, too. It was so cool getting to experience all of these different versions of Christmas with everyone. Of course, that all changed when my mom’s parents moved here, and my dad’s passed,”

“How did it change? Obviously I didn’t know you before that, and I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it before,”

“Well, my mom’s parents moved here, and so did her two siblings, so that’s two versions of Christmas gone. After my dad’s parents passed, we made significantly less of an effort to go visit them, outside of going on vacation in the summer. That was fine, though, because we got to have our own traditions here. Christmas became me, my parents, aunt, uncle, and grandparents; it had been that way since we were in eighth grade. I fell in love with this routine, it was small and cozy, it was all we needed to do. You and I started dating after we’d done Christmas like this for a few years, and it felt so perfect, to have you and my family together, celebrating and spending time with one another,”

“It felt pretty perfect to me, too. I loved getting to spend so much time with your family,”

“They loved getting to know you, too. Anyway, my grandmother passed not long after we started dating, it was right after the holidays, but that was okay; she had severe memory issues, so she was mentally gone for years before she was physically gone. Everything was fine until a couple years ago, when my grandfather passed. That’s the year we went to visit my dad’s family, and it just didn’t feel right. We weren’t all as connected, people had plans they’d already committed to, that was the first thing that made the Christmas magic feel like it was gone,”

Alex took a deep breath, his voice had started to get weaker as he tried to continue talking. Jack could tell that this was really hard for Alex to talk about, so he put a supportive arm around Alex’s shoulders. Alex leaned his head on Jack’s shoulder, then took a deep breath. 

“Then, last year felt all wrong. It was only us, my parents, and my uncle, who no one in my family is super crazy about, anyway. It felt like another random day, it didn’t feel special or magical at all. I know we do stuff with your family, too, which I love, but it just doesn’t feel the same, y’know? I always knew that those Christmas holidays with everyone wouldn’t last forever, but it’s fucking hard to get excited for the season when everything I loved about it is gone,”

Alex brought a hand up to his eyes, trying to wipe away a rogue tear before it could run down his cheek. Jack hugged Alex tighter to him, kissing Alex’s forehead as they sat in silence for a little bit. Alex was able to pull himself back together fairly quickly, taking deep, steady breaths. 

“I had no idea that this was all going through your head, I’m sorry for not noticing, love,” Jack finally said, moving his hand up to stroke Alex’s hair. 

“Don’t apologize, I didn’t really want you or anyone to find out. I really wanted to force myself to enjoy the holidays, or at least pretend to, but when you wanted to put up that damn tree and go shopping for decor, I couldn’t hep but wallow in self-pity about how my family isn’t the same, and it never will be. Jack, I’m so sorry for taking that out on you, that was messed up of me, and I should’ve just kept my negativity to myself,” Alex replied, awkwardly shifting around in his seat. 

“No, I never want you to feel like you have to hide things from me, I want you to be able to talk to me about these kinds of things. I’m really glad that you talked to me about this. I know that I can’t bring your childhood holiday celebrations back, but we can start to do our own traditions and celebrations. Obviously, we still do things with our parents for Christmas, but we can start to do our own things, so we both have something fun to look forward to!” Jack suggested, making Alex smile. 

“That sounds great to me. I know we’ll also get to give the holiday magic to our children when we decide to start a family, which I’m so excited for, but I guess it just feels weird to know that I’m never going to have the holiday celebrations I grew up on back, y’know? I know that I’ll eventually get over it and be okay, but it just feels so weird,”

“That’s fair, you got used to how things were, and you really loved them, it’s hard to let that go. I think keeping those memories, and looking back on them is great, but don’t let them ruin your present and future holidays. Sure, it will never be the same, but we’ll make our own traditions, as the two of us, and with our future family someday. I wish you could have one more Christmas like the ones from your childhood, but now that we’re adults, we can make the holidays special in our own ways,” Jack explained, as Alex wrapped his arm around Jack to give him a proper hug. 

“You’re the best, you know that?” Alex asked, as Jack returned the hug. 

“I try! Seriously though, I want to help you cope with this however I can, and I want you to be able to enjoy this time of year. I love you so much, Alex,”

“I love you too, Jack, thank you for helping me through this. Hey, why don’t we try to decorate the tree and the house again? We can blast Christmas music, drink spiked hot chocolate, and I promise that I won’t be such an ass this time around. What do you say?”

“I think that sounds great, let’s get to it! Maybe we can snuggle up and watch a Christmas movie after we’re done decorating,” Jack suggested, standing up from his seat on the bed. 

“That’s a great idea! I’ll make the cocoa if you want to put on the music!” Alex offered, standing to follow Jack out of the room. 

Jack went into the living room and put a playlist of Christmas music on YouTube. He wished that he could give Alex the Christmas he desperately wanted with his family, but he promised himself that he would do everything he could this holiday season to make Alex’s Christmas as amazing as it could be.

Hello! This fic came to be from some thoughts and feelings I've been having lately, and we all know that I love to base fics off of my personal life. I have a few other ideas bouncing around my head to get written, and I plan on doing that ASAP. I have loved getting back into writing, and I'm so glad there are still people who enjoy reading my work, after all this time! Thanks again for the support, I really appreciate it! -Liv

#alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrik #atl #all time low

[atlfics]

Stuck in the Cycle- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex doesn't act like himself on a night out with friends. Word Count: 5546

TW: Mentions of depression, suicide (very brief), and alcohol.

More notes at the end.

“Hey, are you getting Alex on the way? He told me that his car was acting up,” Rian told Jack through FaceTime. 

“Yeah, I can. I think his car has been messed up for a while, but he hasn’t gone to get it fixed for some reason,” Jack replied, taking his phone with him as he went to freshen up in the bathroom. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with it, I haven’t had a chance to ask him. Maybe the repair costs a lot or something,”

“Maybe, but I feel like he’s typically more on top of things like that, especially since he only gets to drive when we’re not on tour. Anyway, I’m going to let you go so I can finish getting ready, so I can pick up Alex, and we can meet you all at the bar. See you soon, dude,” Jack said, setting his phone down on the bathroom counter. 

“Okay, see you in a little bit. Tonight’s going to be awesome!” Rian exclaimed, before ending the call. 

Jack quickly washed his face and brushed his teeth, wanting to feel a little more put together before going out for the night. It was the night of Black Friday, which meant that everyone from high school was home, bored in their childhood bedrooms, desperate for something to do. Jack, and the rest of the band, had been put into a huge group chat with several friends and acquaintances from their graduating class, and plans had been made to meet up at the best local bar on the main strip. Jack was incredibly excited for tonight, he hadn’t seen some of the people who were supposed to be there in several years, largely due to All Time Low’s touring schedule not lining up well with the typical academic calendar. 

Rian and Zack seemed to be just as excited, they had been texting back and forth with Jack all week about the plans they had tonight. Alex, on the other hand, had been pretty quiet since these plans were made. He hadn’t said a word in the big group chat with all their peers, and he’d hardly communicated with Jack at all in the past couple of weeks. Jack figured that this was because Alex was taking advantage of being at home and off the road; Alex was probably spending time with family, and trying to build a routine to feel some sense of normalcy. It wasn’t super uncommon for Alex to fall off the grid following a long tour, but this time felt a bit different to Jack, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on why. Maybe Alex was being less responsive than usual, maybe he was dodging any invitations to hang out with Jack, and the rest of the band. Still, Jack didn’t want to make any unfair assumptions, he knew that tour was always hard on Alex, and that his friend needed his time to regroup once arriving home. 

“Lookin’ good!” Jack exclaimed, as he studied his appearance in the mirror. 

Deciding he was satisfied with how he looked, he went into his bedroom for his wallet and car keys, then went out to his garage. Jack turned his car on, then put the volume on his stereo up almost as loud as it could go, smiling as his favorite Blink-182 song came on the radio. As he drove, Jack sang along to his radio, smiling the whole time out of excitement. 

Eventually, Jack turned down Alex’s street, and pulled into Alex’s driveway. Alex was sitting on his front step, looking down at his phone. Jack lightly tapped his horn to get Alex’s attention, then made sure turned his stereo down, so he’d be able to actually converse with his friend. Alex jumped at the horn, but got up and slowly made his way over to Jack’s car. Jack was concerned as he watched Alex walk over to his car, it almost looked like he was swaying as he walked. Eventually, Alex finally made it to Jack’s car, and opened the door before taking a seat. The smell of alcohol immediately hit Jack, it was so strong that he had to stifle a cough from getting choked up. 

“Hey, Jack, what’s up?” Alex asked, his words slightly slurring together as he struggled to put his seatbelt on. 

“Hey, Alex, are you, um, are you okay? You seem a little-“

“I had a couple shots of liquor before you got here, if that’s what you’re asking me,” Alex interrupted, unable to contain his alcohol-induced laughter. 

“You’re saying that only a couple of shots did this to you? Your tolerance is crazy high,” Jack pointed out, slowly starting to back out of Alex’s driveway. 

“They were big shots, dude. I, um, wanted to loosen up a bit for tonight, y’know?”

“I’m surprised, most of the people we’re seeing tonight were closest to you. Are you, like, nervous to see them?”

“You could say that. Sorry that you don’t get to pregame since you’re driving,”

“It’s fine, I probably won’t get too crazy, since I’ll have to drive you home at the end of the night. Do you want me to just take you back to your place later?” Jack asked, finally starting to block out the intense smell of alcohol that was on Alex. 

“Yeah, you can take me back here after; I know you’ve probably got things to do,” Alex replied, avoiding looking at Jack. 

“I mean, tomorrow afternoon, yeah, but not in the middle of the night. I just wanted to ask, to see if you’d want to hang out after or something,”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll probably want to go home, but thanks for the offer” Alex continued, his words starting to sound more slurred again. 

Jack was worried, this was weird behavior for Alex. They had been friends for so many years, and in those years, Jack had never seen Alex so distant and uninterested in spending time with him. Jack couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done something wrong that upset his friend, but wondered how he could’ve done anything, considering he’d hardly seen or communicated with Alex in weeks. The rest of the drive was awkwardly silent, Alex looked out his window, and Jack tried to focus on the song that was faintly playing from his speakers, rather than the silence they were sitting in. Eventually, Jack finally pulled into the parking lot behind the bar and was able to score a spot close to the front door. 

“We made it! Are you ready to go in?” Jack asked, turning off his car. 

“Yeah, I think so. Thanks for coming to get me, man, you’re a great friend,” Alex replied, flashing a smile at Jack before getting out of the car. 

Alex was a bit unsteady on his feet, but Jack knew that Alex could handle himself, so he just followed closely behind as Alex led the way into the bar. The rest of the band, plus everyone from the group chat, was sitting at a table in the middle of the bar. Everyone started waving at Jack and Alex, and motioning for them to come over to the table, but Alex went straight over to the bar. Jack shook his head, and went over to the table, deciding that Alex could find his way over to the table himself. 

“Hey, Jack, what’s up?” Rian asked, as Jack took one of the two seats at the end of the table that had been saved for Alex and himself. 

“I’m good, I’m excited to see everyone!” Jack exclaimed, earning smiles from everyone at the table. 

“Where’d Alex go?” Zack asked, looking up from the drink menu. 

“He went over to the bar; I guess he couldn’t wait for a server to come over here,” Jack said, forcing a laugh to hide his concern for his friend.

“He must be ready to party!” Rian said, trying to help as he sensed Jack’s uneasiness. 

Jack quickly changed the subject, and started a conversation with the rest of the table. He was concerned about Alex, but he wanted to enjoy his night out, at least for a little bit, so he decided that his concern could wait for a few rounds of drinks and good conversations to go by first. After a few minutes, Alex came over to the table, two drinks in hand, as he took a seat next to Jack at the end of the table. 

“Damn, you’re double fisting? We’re in for a wild night!” Zack exclaimed, eyeing Alex’s drinks. 

“Yeah, something like that,” Alex replied, forcing a smile as he quickly downed half of one of his drinks. 

Alex began talking to everyone else at the table, finishing both drinks in a record time. By the time the waitress had come over to take Jack’s first drink order, Alex was ordering his third. As Alex continued to talk, his speech became more slurred, his face became more flushed, and his voice got louder. Jack knew that Alex was already very drunk, but he wasn’t sure why; Alex normally paced himself much better than this. 

“Hey, Jack, come to the bar with me,” Rian said, getting up from his seat. 

“Come to the bar? We can just wait for the waitress to come back over here,” Jack replied, making Rian roll his eyes. 

“Jack, just come with me for a minute,”

Jack looked over to Alex, he was in the middle of telling a tour story to one of their high school friends, slurring and laughing obnoxiously as he spoke. Taking a deep breath, Jack stood up, and followed Rian over to the bar. 

“So, why did we have to come all the way over here when we could’ve just waited for the waitress to come back to order a drink?” Jack asked, grabbing a drink menu from the bar. 

Rian snatched the menu from Jack’s hands, leaving Jack very confused. 

“I didn’t bring you over here to order a drink, I brought you over here so we could talk about Alex. What the fuck is going on with him? I haven’t seen him this bombed in years,” 

“Yeah, he’s wasted. When I picked him up, he reeked of booze, and he told me that he was a couple shots in. He was slurring and flushed like he is now when I got him,”

“I mean, I understand wanting to party, but Alex is never like this. At least, he hasn’t been in years. I don’t know, I guess it just concerns me a bit to see him like this,”

Jack took a deep breath as he crossed his arms over his chest. He thought back, he hadn’t seen Alex like this since they were all in their early twenties, why did he decide tonight was the night to get so messed up?

“I’m concerned, too. I mean, when I got him, I was stunned to see him like that. When he used to drink like this, it was usually because there was something going on in his head. I wonder if that could be it tonight?” Jack pointed out, thinking out loud. 

“Maybe, but I thought he was doing better with that stuff. Like, I know he used to really struggle with that, but I didn’t think that it was really a problem anymore,” Rian continued. 

“Well, those kinds of issues can become easier to deal with over time, but they don’t, like, go away, y’know?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Are you going to talk with him about that?”

“I can, but I’m not going to tonight. He’s so trashed, if I try to have this conversation with him, he’s either going to shut down, or get pissed at me. Also, I don’t really want to force him to talk about this; I don’t want him to suffer in silence, but I think he needs to be the one to start the conversation,” Jack explained, playing with the sleeve of his shirt. 

“Okay, whatever you think is best. I just hate seeing him like this,”

Before Jack could reply, Alex staggered over to the bar, leaning on chairs and the wall to stabilize himself. 

“You guys have been gone forever! What’s taking so long? Is there a long line of people?” Alex asked, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder to maintain his balance. 

Jack winced, catching a strong whiff of alcohol from Alex. He put his hand on Alex’s shoulder, wanting to make sure that Alex didn’t lose his balance and fall over. 

“Um, yeah, there were a few people in front of us, but it’s almost our turn. Honestly, I might not get anything,” Jack replied, making Alex roll his eyes. 

“You’re not going to get anything? That’s lame, dude! Well, I’m going to get something, be right there,” 

Alex carefully made his way over to where the bartender was, and started to order. Rain looked over to Jack, his eyebrows raised in concern, and Jack put his head in his hands, his worry for his friend increasing. A couple minutes later, Alex walked over to his friends, with a drink in each hand. 

“Two drinks, dude? Don’t you maybe want to slow down a bit?” Jack gently suggested, hoping his comment wouldn’t upset his friend. 

“Hey man, I came out here to party and have a good time! I’ll be fine, besides, you’re driving!” Alex exclaimed, starting to stagger back to the table. 

Jack quickly caught up to Alex, putting a hand on his shoulder to help him stay balanced and upright. When they arrived at the table, Jack could see concerned looks on some of their friends faces, and couldn’t help but feel embarrassed for Alex. This wasn’t who Alex was, and Jack wasn’t sure what was going on with his friend. After helping Alex back into his seat, Jack sat back down, sipping on his drink as he listened to his friends tell stories about college and their jobs. Jack was happy to hear that his high school friends had found so much happiness and success for themselves; he couldn’t imagine being that happy from continuing with school, but he was happy for his friends nonetheless. 

As everyone shared stories, Alex ordered a couple more drinks; Jack was surprised that the waitress was still serving Alex, considering how far gone he was now. After an hour had gone by, Jack decided that he needed to get Alex home. Jack was fairly certain that Alex was blackout drunk at this point, and he didn’t want Alex to say or do anything he’d regret, so he got up, and walked over to Alex’s seat. 

“Hey, dude, let’s get out of here, it’s getting late,” Jack said, as Alex slowly turned his head to face Jack. 

“Late? Dude, it’s only ten-thirty! I haven’t been ready to end the night this early in a long time!” Alex exclaimed, probably unaware of how loudly he was talking. 

“Nah, it’s not that early! Come on, it’ll probably take us forever to get home with the traffic,” Jack continued, pulling at straws to come up with an excuse to get Alex to go with him. 

“Hm, well, I guess you’re right. I’d hate to be stuck on the road for a long time in the middle of the night,” Alex said, slowly coming to his feet with Jack’s help. 

Alex said goodbye to his friends at the table, slurring his words and swaying on his feet. Jack guided Alex outside, and over to his car. After helping Alex into the passenger seat and with his seatbelt, Jack went over to the driver’s side and turned on the car. 

“Jack, are you taking me back to my house?” Alex asked, closing his eyes and leaning his head on the headrest. 

“I can, if you want. I can also stay the night with you, or take you to my place, what do you want me to do?” Jack asked, pulling out of the parking lot. 

“Um can we go to your house? Only if it’s not too much of an inconvenience for you,  I don’t want to be a huge burden,” Alex continued, his voice starting to sound raspy from the loud talking he’d done all night. 

“You wouldn’t be a burden at all, dude. We can go to my house, do you need to get anything from your place on the way?”

“That’s way too much work, dude, I don’t need anything that badly. Let’s just go to your place,”

“Okay, we’ll do that,”

Jack started in the direction of his house, turning the radio up a bit to fill the silence. Alex kept to himself, silently staring out the window for the entire drive home. There wasn’t much traffic on the road, it was still fairly early in the evening, so it didn’t take long for Jack to get from the bar parking lot to his driveway. Once Jack had parked and turned his car off, he turned to look at Alex, who was staring off into space with a small smile on his face. 

“Hey, we’re here now, man,” Jack said, pulling Alex back to reality. 

“Oh shit, that was fast! Did you speed or something?” Alex asked, laughing as he unbuckled his seatbelt. 

“No, there just wasn’t any traffic. Were you even paying attention as I drove?”

Jack laughed as he opened his door and stepped out of the car, and walked over to Alex’s side. 

“I thought I did, but I guess not. Shit, I have to get up now,” Alex said, sighing at his realization. 

“Yes, you do if you want to get inside to go to sleep. Do you need some help up and to the door?”

“No, I think I can manage,”

Alex swung his body around so that his feet were outside of the car, flat on the ground. He placed his hands on the sides of the doorframe, bracing himself so he could stand. Alex used what felt like all of his upper body strength to push up to standing, but almost immediately lost his footing, starting to stumble. Jack instinctively reached out to grab one of Alex’s arms, barely stopping his friend from falling onto the ground. 

“You saved me!” Alex exclaimed, laughing as he regained his footing. 

“Yeah, something like that. Come on, let’s get inside,” Jack replied, holding Alex upright as they walked from Jack’s car to the front door.

Jack quickly unlocked the door, then brought Alex into the living room, setting him down on the couch. 

“Dude, this couch is so comfy! I think I forgot how great it is!” Alex stated, immediately laying down and propping his head up with a couple of Jack’s throw pillows. 

“I’m glad you’re comfortable, but let’s take your shoes off, man. Also, let me get you some real pillows and a blanket so you can sleep comfortably,” Jack said, walking over to Alex’s feet and removing his shoes. 

“Wait, are you trying to sleep now? The night’s just getting started, Jack!” Alex exclaimed, as Jack set Alex’s shoes on the ground next to the couch. 

“Well, you don’t have to sleep yet if you don’t want to, I just want to get everything ready for you. Sit tight, I’ll be right back,”

Jack left Alex on the couch, and went into his guest room. He grabbed two pillows off the bed, along with the comforter, then went back out to the living room. Alex’s eyes were now closed, and he was snoring lightly, much to Jack’s amusement. Jack shook his head and laughed as he covered Alex with the comforter, then gently propped his head up to make room for the pillows. 

“Jack, I might be ready to sleep now,” Alex muttered, his words hard to understand from the slurring and sleepiness. 

“I can see that, dude. Don’t worry about it, get some sleep, we can hang out tomorrow morning,” Jack replied, as Alex snuggled into the new blanket. 

“Sounds good. Hey, thanks for driving me and helping me tonight, I appreciate it,”

“No problem, Alex, I’m glad we could go out with everyone, it was fun,”

“Yeah, it was. Tonight was the first night that I’ve felt really good in a while,” Alex admitted, too intoxicated and tired to even realize what he was saying. 

Hearing this concerned Jack, he wanted to know what Alex meant by this, but he knew that right now wasn’t the time to ask. Alex was too far gone to have anything of a coherent conversation, waiting until tomorrow morning was the smartest thing Jack could do at this point. 

“That’s good, man. If you need anything, text me, or come find me, okay?”

“Will do. See you in the morning,” Alex replied, yawning as he spoke. 

Jack went into the kitchen to grab a couple more things for his friend. He filled up a glass with water, then grabbed some pain reliever and anti-nausea medications, figuring Alex would wake up at some point in the night wanting these things. Jack set everything on the coffee table in front of the couch, then walked down the hallway to his bedroom. After quickly changing into some sweats, Jack turned out his light, and climbed into bed. 

As he closed his eyes, Jack couldn’t help but think about Alex’s comment, about how this night had been the first in a while where he felt good, whatever that meant. Jack figured that he would learn what Alex had meant in the morning, if Alex even remembered what he said. Taking a deep breath, Jack cleared his mind, and quickly drifted off to sleep. 

—————

“Shit, what time is it?” Jack muttered to himself, being woken up by the morning sunlight pouring into his room. 

Jack leaned over to where his bedside table was, and felt around on the table until he was able to find his phone. He turned his phone on, and saw that it was a little after nine in the morning. 

“Hm, earlier than I thought. I wonder how Alex is doing,” 

Deciding to go check on his friend, Jack stood up and walked over to the door. As he opened his door, he started to hear a strange noise that he couldn’t quite decipher. Jack walked towards the living room and noticed that the bathroom door was shut. Suddenly, Jack realized that the noise he’d been hearing had been Alex gagging, raising Jack’s concerns. Jack walked over to the bathroom door, and gently knocked on it. 

“Hey, Alex, it’s me. Are you okay in there?” Jack gently asked, hoping that Alex wouldn’t feel like his privacy had been invaded. 

“Hi, Jack, yeah, I’m okay, I’ll be out in a minute,” Alex weakly replied from the other side of the door. 

Jack made his way into the living room and sat down on the couch. He noticed that the glass of water he’d gotten for Alex was gone, as were the medications he’d left out. Jack couldn’t help but wonder how long Alex had been up that morning, he hoped that Alex hadn’t been up, feeling super miserable, for too long. 

Just a few minutes later, Jack heard the bathroom door open, this was followed by Alex walking into the living room seconds later, with an arm wrapped around his stomach. Alex looked terrible, Jack could see bags under Alex’s eyes, his face was flushed, Jack couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Alex look this wrecked. 

“Sorry to wake you up with that, Jack,” Alex said, sounding embarrassed as he sat next to Jack on the couch. 

“No, don’t worry, you didn’t wake me up. This is when I usually wake up when we’re not on the road,” Jack replied, helping Alex wrap himself up in the comforter he’d used the night before. 

“Wow, I’m impressed, I didn’t know you could wake up this early; you never do when we’re on the road,”

“True, but we’re always partying on the road, staying up late and sleeping in. I do try to have something of a routine when we’re not playing shows,”

“Structured days, that sounds like a dream,” Alex continued, forcing a dry laugh. 

“Yeah, right. Hey, speaking of partying, you got pretty crazy last night,” Jack said, hoping that this would nudge Alex into talking about whatever had been bothering him the night before. 

“Um, yeah, I haven’t drank that much in quite some time, now I remember why I don’t typically do that,” Alex replied, grimacing as he wrapped an arm around his stomach. 

Jack knew that getting Alex to talk was going to be a challenge, but he also knew that it really needed to happen; Alex was clearly dealing with something that he wasn’t sharing, and Jack didn’t want his friend to have to suffer in silence. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, Jack took a deep breath, and looked directly at Alex. 

“Yeah, you really haven’t done that in a while. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you drink so much? I don’t want to sound like the fun police, and I know that I only have so much room to talk on this subject, but I think you may have overdone it a bit,” 

There was a bit of silence, Jack did his best to remain comfortable in it. He knew that he probably just made Alex really uncomfortable with his question, but he needed to know what was going on with Alex. After a couple of minutes and a sigh, Alex shifted closer to Jack, and looked up at him. 

“Um, I don’t really have a good reason, to be honest. I guess I just wanted to go over my limit, go over the edge. That probably sounds insane,” Alex continued, a dry laugh escaping him. 

“You don’t sound insane, dude, but why did you want to go over the edge? Is something going on?” Jack asked, concern very evident in his voice. 

Alex looked down in his lap as he started to mess with the hem of his shirt. His leg started to rapidly bounce up and down as he took a deep breath, eventually forcing himself to look back up at Jack. 

“It’s kind of hard to explain in a brief way,”

“Well, I have all the time in the world, dude,”

“Okay, um, I’ve not been doing the best lately, like, since we got back from tour,” Alex started, his voice quiet. 

“What do you mean? Did something happen when we got back?” Jack asked, trying to think of what could’ve happened to Alex in the short amount of time they had been home for. 

“No, there wasn’t, like, a singular thing that happened that caused me to feel this way, I guess life has just felt kind of weird lately. Every day has felt the same as the last, it gets dark at fucking five fifteen in the afternoon, I guess I feel like I don’t know what I’m living for right now. Like, I don’t know what the point is, y’know?” Alex continued, his voice cracking as he spoke. 

“Wait, are you-“

“No, I’m not in a place where ending it all seems like the most logical solution, I hope I never get there, but I’m in a place where I’m having all of these thoughts and emotions, and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I know that there are things I could be doing to feel better, like journaling, working out, spending more time with friends, but all of those things feel like so much work right now, even though I know that they will be good for me in the long run. I feel numb almost all the time, and I almost want to go off the deep end, because it’ll let me feel something that isn’t this; that’s why I drank too much last night, to feel something,” 

Alex looked back down to his lap, feeling too embarrassed and vulnerable to maintain eye contact with Jack. Jack stayed silent for a moment, wanting to give Alex some space but also so he could think to himself, how had he not realized this? Sure, he hadn’t seen Alex much since tour ended, but Alex was his best friend, he had been for years, surely he should’ve recognized this, right?

“Well, that makes sense. I mean, that isn’t great, but I get it now. Have you been doing that a lot since tour ended? Like, going off the deep end with things to feel something?”

“No, last night was really the first time, and I only let myself do it because we were going out, I didn’t think I’d seem that obnoxious since we were all drinking, but I guess I was wrong about that. I bet you remember this, but I was dealing with some similar shit in my mind a few years ago, and I did let myself go off the deep end, in several different ways. I let myself suffer more by giving into that, and I know it made me suffer, which is why I’ve worked so hard to get to a better place. I feel like I know how to deal with these kinds of things now, but just letting myself go is so tempting. It’s chaos, but it’s familiar chaos, y’know?”

“Yeah, I remember, you used to hardly sleep, drink way too much coffee and alcohol, show absolutely no concern for your safety, and basically run yourself ragged. You have made a lot of progress since then, and as your best friend, I’m really proud of you for that. This time of year can be hard, the holidays are stressful, the fact it gets dark so early blows, and it can be hard to feel like you have a purpose when you’re not doing your job, I’ve felt that after a tour before, too. I think you really hit the nail on the head, though, practicing healthy habits is the best thing you can do for yourself, and routines help. Do you think trying to come up with a semi consistent routine for the rest of our time off would help you?”

“Yes, I think it probably would, I’ve just struggled to make myself actually do that. It just feels like such a daunting task, even though I know it really isn’t. And, like I said, the familiarity of the chaos seems easier to tolerate than the effort I’ll have to give to do something new, even if I know it’s good for me. Sorry if all this doesn’t make sense, I probably sound stupid,” Alex said, hunching in on himself, wanting to take up less space. 

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all, it’s hard to do things, even things that we know are good for us, when we’re not feeing great inside. If you want, I can help you with this; we can come up with this schedule for you together, and we can hang out more while we’re not on the road, we can even schedule some of your time for us to hang out,” Jack suggested, as Alex sighed.

“No, dude, I don’t want to make my problems your problem. You need your downtime to decompress from tour, too. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep a close watch on me, or else I’ll spiral out of control, that isn’t fair to put on you,”

“I don’t feel like that at all, I promise. You’ve helped me through some hard times throughout the years, I want to do the same for you. You’re my best friend, and I just want the best for you, and I want to help you get there, if I can,”

Alex looked up to Jack, a small smile starting to form on his face. 

“You’re the best friend ever, do you know that?” Alex asked, as Jack returned his smile. 

“Yeah, that sounds about right!” Jack exclaimed, making Alex laugh. 

“Wow, you’re so humble, man,” Alex sarcastically said, as Jack leaned in to give Alex a hug.  

“Humility has never really been my strong suit. Seriously though, I’m glad you talked to me about this, you know I’m always here for you, right?”

“Absolutely, and I’m always here for you, too. I can’t think of a better person to have as my best friend,”

“Same goes to you, dude. Hey, what do you want to do? Should we work on your schedule, or do something else?”

“Honestly, I need a little breather from that heavy conversation, maybe we could swing by a Starbucks drive-thru? I could use some coffee right now. You’ll have to drive since I don’t have my car, but I can pay!” Alex exclaimed, coming to his feet. 

“No worries, it’s my treat, let’s go,” Jack replied, standing up. 

They shared one more smile, before Jack went back to his room to grab his wallet and keys. Alex stayed in the living room, putting on his coat, and grabbing his phone from the coffee table. While he knew he still had a ways to go, Alex felt hopeful about his life for the first time in a while, all thanks to his best friend.

A/N: Hello, long time, no post! I've been wanting to write and post for so long, I've had a lot of ideas, but working full time makes finding time for writing much more difficult. This is the first story that I've written in months, it's not the best thing I've ever written, but it's a start back into writing! I have more ideas, and plan to post more often again. Also, I always love a request, so feel free to leave one, and I'll work on it! If anyone is still here, reading my work, thank you, it means the world. Here's to writing and posting again! -Liv

#alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrick #all time low #atl

[atlfics]

nothing will ever amaze me the way fanfiction authors do. like, you wrote silly little stories about my favorite little guys? and i can read them?? for free??? that’s fucking wild.

you poured your heart and soul and very being into your writing and then put it out there for anyone to read? insane.

you spend a truly incredible amount of time writing novel-length, high quality stories, again, FOR FREE, that anyone can read, again, FOR FREE??

shoutout to every single fic author in existence, you guys are fucking incredible and i love all of you so much

[atlfics]

Hi guys, long time, no post! Sorry for not posting for so long, I got a new job in March that has really consumed my life (in a good way), but I’ve started to get back into writing. I’m working on a few ideas and requests from a while ago now, and will hopefully have something up by the end of the weekend! Also, I was at the show in Nashville last night, and it was so good! It was my first time seeing them live since 2021, so it was so nice to finally get a show in! Anyway, thanks for the patience, and a new fic should be up relatively soon!

-Liv

[atlfics]

Melancholy Sunshine- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex becomes distant after a tour, concerning Jack. Word Count: 5054

TW: mentions of depression and suicide, alcohol

More notes at the end. 

“Hey, have you heard from Alex at all in the past week or two? I haven’t, and I don’t think Rian has, either,” Zack said to Jack through the phone, as Jack unloaded the clean dishes from his dishwasher.

“No, not really. I mean, I texted with him a bit the other day about music stuff for our album, but it was only a couple messages back and forth, and it seemed like he was saying as little as possible, if that makes sense,” Jack replied, grabbing his phone from the kitchen counter and sitting in the living room, wanting to be fully present for this conversation.

“Hm, well, when he’s gone off the grid in the past, it’s usually because he’s upset about something, right? Like, I know it’s been a while, but I feel like that’s what’s happened before,”

“Yeah, I think you’re right, dude. Maybe I should go check up on him, I didn’t realize how distant he’s been until now, since you mentioned it. Wow, I must be the greatest friend ever,” Jack sarcastically stated, looking down at his lap.

“When Alex gets like this, you know that he does everything he can to hide it, so don’t blame yourself. I didn’t really put it together until earlier today, which is why I called you. I know you two are closer, so it might be best if you handled it, Jack. Let me know how he’s doing, and if you or him need anything, I’m just a call or text away,”

“Will do, hopefully, he’s just been busy writing new music, but who knows. I guess I’ll head over to his place now, I’ll talk to you later, Zack,”

“Talk with you later, man,”

Jack ended the call, then closed his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. Having an emotional heart to heart with Alex hadn’t been on Jack’s agenda, but it was now. He wanted to help his friend, but he felt so unprepared to do so.

Like Zack had said on the phone, the last time that Alex kept to himself and didn’t communicate with his friends, it had been due to him suddenly feeling extremely depressed. It had happened right after one of their first tours, but Jack had started to suspect that something was up during the final week of that tour, so when he talked to Alex, he felt at least a little more prepared.

This was different, their most recent tour had ended about a month ago, and the four of them were hanging out regularly for the first week following the tour. After that week, they all became busier with family commitments and the friends that they didn’t get to see much due to their time on the road. Jack realized that Alex had only reached out and texted with him a couple times within the past few weeks, and started to feel even more concerned.

He finally stood up from his couch and grabbed his wallet and keys from the coffee table before walking out of his apartment and towards the street to his car. Once the car was on, he turned his stereo up loud and rolled the windows down; it was a perfect, sunny day. As he drove, Jack tried to not think about what he was doing, partly so he wouldn’t stress out and distract himself from driving, but part of him also hoped that he and Zack were reading too much into Alex’s lack of communication. It was possible that Alex was just busy with his family and friends and songwriting, and that he wasn’t dealing with something serious.

After what felt like the longest drive of Jack’s life, he finally pulled into Alex’s driveway. Alex’s car was there, Jack was relived since that meant that Alex was home. He got out of his car and made his way up to Alex’s front door, ringing the doorbell before leaning up against the siding of Alex’s house. After a few seconds, Jack checked his watch, Alex normally answered his door faster than this.

Right before Jack could ring Alex’s bell again, the door slowly opened, revealing a slightly disheveled looking Alex. Alex was wearing an oversized sweatsuit and his glasses, his hair was messier than usual, and he looked drained.

“Jack, what’re you doing here? Did we have plans or something? Did you text saying you were coming over?” Alex asked, his face scrunched up in confusion.

“No, we didn’t, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing, it’s been a while since we hung out, we haven’t really done anything together since the first week back from tour,” Jack replied, as Alex motioned for him to come inside.

Jack took his shoes off as Alex shut the door, then looked around. Alex’s place looked as messy and unkempt as Alex did, only furthering Jack’s concern. It didn’t look bad, but it didn’t look good, either. Random pairs of shoes were littered around the floor, mail was piled up, and it was obvious that Alex hadn’t vacuumed or dusted in a while.

Alex led Jack into the living room and sat on the couch, turning the TV down. Jack sat on the opposite side of the couch, handing Alex the blanket that was spread out so he could keep using it if he wanted to, then looked around some more. The coffee table was filled with plates and cups, and the curtains were closed, so the light would be completely blocked out from the room. There were also various bottles of alcohol around the room, Jack hoped that Alex was sober right now so they could actually have a meaningful conversation.

Finally, Jack cleared his throat to get Alex’s attention, finally ready to get this conversation started.

“So, how’ve you been, man? What have you been up to?” Jack asked, as Alex immediately looked away from Jack, his face getting a bit red.

“Oh, um, not much, just hanging out here. I’ve not done a lot since that first week back from tour. Time kind of got away from me, I guess,” Alex replied, a forcing a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, it kind of did for me, too. I can’t believe we’ve already been back for almost a month now. Since you’ve not been doing much lately, why haven’t you texted me, or Rian, or Zack, about hanging out or doing something?”

“I don’t know, I guess I wanted to keep to myself. Nothing against you or the guys, though,”

“Sorry for coming in here and interrogating you, but I have one more question, an important one. Alex, um, are you okay?” Jack asked, his tone as uncomfortable as the expression on his face.

Alex started to nervously play with the hem of his shirt, still doing everything he could to not look up and make eye contact with Jack. An awkward silence filled the room, Jack fidgeted around uncomfortably. He knew that this conversation wouldn’t be easy, but the fact that Alex was essentially refusing to converse made it even harder.

“Yeah, why?” Alex finally replied, his voice weaker now.

“I don’t know, um, I guess since you’ve been more distant, I just wanted to check up on you,”

“Oh, well, thanks,”

Another awkward silence took over the room, Jack desperately wanted to fill it, but he didn’t know how to. He didn’t want to force a conversation, even though he knew it was probably in Alex’s best interest. Changing the subject would probably be easier and feel better, but Jack knew that if he wanted to be a good friend, he couldn’t do that.

“Hey, do you want to take a drive? That might be kind of fun, and it would get you out of here for a bit!” Jack exclaimed, an overly animated smile on his face as Alex sighed.

“I don’t know, I’m not sure that I want to go out today,”

“Well, I don’t want to force you or anything, but it’s a really nice day; a perfect one, actually. We could get coffee, my treat!”

Alex sighed again as he looked around the room, looking for an excuse to give Jack as to why he couldn’t go out. Eventually, he finally looked back over to Jack, a look of defeat on his face.

“Okay, fine, but I don’t want to be out, like, all day,” Alex replied, stretching before standing up from the couch.

“We don’t have to be, we can just go out for a little bit. Are you ready to go?” Jack asked, grabbing his car keys from his pockets as he stood up.

“Um, I think I’m going to change first. I don’t really want to be seen in public looking like shit. Give me about five minutes, and I’ll be ready,”

Alex walked out of the room and upstairs, and Jack walked over to the front door and started to get his shoes on. He was going to stand by the door and wait for Alex, but a different idea crossed his mind. Once his shoes were on, he walked back into the living room and began taking the dishes on the table into the kitchen, which was just as messy.

“One room at a time, I guess,” Jack muttered to himself as he put the dishes on top of the growing pile in the sink.

He went back into the living room and grabbed the bottles of alcohol, then placed them on Alex’s bar cart back in the kitchen. Finally, he went back into the living room and opened up the curtains, letting the sunlight shine into the room. Jack looked at his work and smiled, but jumped when he realized that Alex was standing next to him.

“Wow, thanks for cleaning up in here some, you didn’t have to do that, man,” Alex said, sounding a bit embarrassed.

“I didn’t see you come back in! But it was no problem, I got bored waiting and figured I’d do something productive instead of just being on my phone,” Jack replied, making a small, appreciative smile appear on Alex’s face.

“Well, thank you, I really appreciate that, Jack,”

Jack looked at Alex, he looked significantly better. He’d ditched his oversized sweats for jeans and a t-shirt, he brushed his hair out, and had put his contacts in. He looked much more like the Alex that Jack was used to seeing; now, he was just missing his smile.

“You look great, dude! I mean, not that you didn’t before, but-“

“No, I looked terrible when you first got here, you don’t have to lie. Let’s just go, I want that coffee I was promised,”

Alex led them outside, then locked his door before getting in the passenger seat of Jack’s car. Jack turned on the car, then connected his phone to the Bluetooth.

“What do you want to listen to? It’s guest’s choice in my car!” Jack exclaimed, handing Alex his phone, his music library already opened.

“You never let me choose when I ride with you,” Alex pointed out, a skeptical look on his face.

“Okay, true, but today I am, so choose away!” Jack replied, pulling out of Alex’s driveway and in the direction of the nearest Starbucks.

After a couple more minutes, Alex finally decided to put on Jack’s Blink-182 playlist, then set his phone in the cupholder.

“Nice choice, dude! I was hoping you’d pick Blink! Are you playing the playlist of their music that I made?”

“Yeah, I am. I couldn’t decide on an album, so I thought that this would be good,”

“That’s literally why I made the playlist, it can be so hard to pick sometimes,”

Jack forced an awkward laugh, but Alex stayed quiet, letting Jack know to stop talking for now. He turned up the stereo a bit, then quietly started singing along to the song that was playing. After a couple minutes, Alex started to hum to the song, too, making Jack smile some. Not much later, they pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, and Jack drove them into the drive thru line.

“Do you know what you want?” Jack asked, putting his window down as he continued to drive towards the ordering screen.

“Um, I think I’ll just have an iced latte,” Alex replied, looking out his window, away from Jack.

“Sounds good, do you want anything else?” Jack asked, grabbing his wallet from his pants pocket.

“Nah, I think I’m okay, but thanks,”

Before Jack could say anything else, he was greeted by the Starbucks drive thru employee. He ordered Alex’s latte, and a refresher for himself. After pulling around to the window to pay and grab their drinks, Jack pulled out of the parking lot, going in the opposite direction of Alex’s house.

“Hey, you needed to make a left out of there to get back to my place,” Alex said, taking a sip of his drink.

“Yeah, I know, but we’re not going back there yet,” Jack casually replied, as a look of confusion appeared on Alex’s face.

“What do you mean? I thought we were just going to get this coffee, then heading back to my place,”

“I had another fun idea for us, but it’s a surprise. Just sit back, drink your coffee, and be patient, we’ll be at destination number two in a few minutes,”

“Jack, I-“

“Alex, just trust me, it’s my professional opinion that you need to be out for a bit, and that this will be fun for you, okay? If you really hate it when we get there, we can leave, but just humor me for now,” Jack negotiated, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“Okay, fine. Also, what professional credential do you have, anyway?” Alex joked, earning small laughs from them both.

“That’s for me to know, and for you to wonder, man! Hey, we’re just about at my fun surprise!” Jack exclaimed, pulling into the parking lot of a park.

“Tyler Park? Man, I can’t remember the last time we were here, it’s been ages!” Alex stated, excitedly looking out the window as Jack parked the car.

“If I had to guess, I’d say the last time we were here was either high school, or sometime right after. We used to come here all the time, we wrote a lot of our early songs here, remember? Well, actually, you wrote the songs, I just came along with you and made sure we had some booze to make it more fun,”

“No, you helped with those songs, too. You came up with some great lyrics from the early stuff we put out, and you wrote a lot of the music for the songs, too,”

“I guess, but we both know that this park was your songwriting zone. Hey, let’s get out and explore some!” Jack suggested, getting out of the car.

“Okay, but I don’t want to go too far,” Alex replied, grabbing his coffee as he got out of Jack’s car, shutting the door behind him.

“We won’t, don’t worry. Let’s just find a bench and sit, or something,”

Alex nodded, then followed Jack to the start of the park’s trail. It wasn’t super crowded, it was the middle of the day on a Wednesday, so they both figured that people were at work or school. It didn’t take long for the two of them to find a gazebo in a fairly secluded place, which they quickly went over to, to claim it.

They sat down next to each other, Jack left an awkward amount of space between the two of them, not wanting Alex to feel smothered by him. Alex sipped at his drink as he looked around at their surroundings, and Jack tried to figure out what he could say to break the uncomfortable silence.

“Nice day, isn’t it?” Jack finally asked, holding back an eye roll at himself for saying possibly the stupidest thing he could think of.

“Yeah, just like you said it was,” Alex awkwardly replied, looking down at the floor of the gazebo.

Jack waited a moment to reply, unsure of how he wanted to go about this conversation. He still wanted to talk to Alex about whatever was him, but he didn’t want to completely ambush him with an uncomfortable conversation. While Jack wanted to be considerate and gentle, he also wanted to help his friend, so despite his possibly better judgment, he decided to rip the Band-Aid off and go for it.

“Alex, listen, we need to talk,” Jack finally said, trying to hide his nervousness with a false confidence.

Alex didn’t speak right away, still looking down at the floor.

“I knew you were going to say that eventually, but do we really have to? I’ll be fine, dude,” Alex finally replied, his voice soft.

“Yes, we do,”

“Why? You don’t need to be worried about me,”

“Yes, I do. First of all, you said you’ll be fine, not that you are fine, so there’s something that’s going on that’s making you not fine right now; wow, that was a mouthful. Anyway, of course I need to be worried about you, you’re my best friend, and you’ve been keeping to yourself, your house looked like a wreck, and so did you, no offense. I’m sorry to bring this up so abruptly, but I’m only doing it because I care about you, dude. Please, talk to me so I can try to help,” Jack stated, not caring how desperate he sounded.

Alex sighed, then slowly looked up from the ground, and over to Jack. A look of fear appeared on his face as he did his best to keep his breathing calm and steady.

“I guess I’ve just had a lot going on in my head lately,” Alex started, forcing himself to continue looking at Jack, rather than the ground.

“Okay, well, what’s been going on in your head? Did something happen that upset you?” Jack asked, sounding calmer and more empathetic now that Alex was finally opening up.

“It’s kind of hard to explain, but I’ll try my best. Towards the end of tour, I kind of started to realize all the changes we’ve gone through, like, as a band, and as people, over the past few years. Well, since we got out of high school and have been able to do the band as our careers,”

“We’ve definitely gone through some changes, but they’ve mostly been good changes, right? I mean, we’re getting our music played on some radio stations, we’re playing bigger shows than we have in the past, and our music is getting better and better. Do you think we’ve changed in a bad way?”

Alex took a deep breath then sighed, looking a bit frustrated. Jack couldn’t tell if Alex’s frustration was inward at himself for not being able to find the words he was looking for, or if it was directed at him, for asking so many questions.

“No, we’ve definitely changed in great ways as a band, but they’ve been fairly significant, big changes. We’ve gained more fans ever since we started touring full time, but that could change again in the future. People may end up disliking us and our music, and in the future, we could have no fans, and no career. Everything is just so uncertain, I guess it kind of freaks me out,” Alex admitted, his voice cracking.

Alex quickly cleared his throat to stop himself from crying as Jack scooted closer to Alex, finally closing the awkward gap between them, and putting a hand on Alex’s leg.

“Hey, it’s okay to cry if you need to. So, this is all because you’re freaked out that people won’t like our band in the future?”

“It’s not just that, to be honest; like I said, it’s really fucking hard to describe. Like, our fans not liking us eventually is just part of it, it’s more so the concept of the future that’s been messing with my head. The possibility of our fans not liking us in the future freaks me out, but the future as a whole scares me, too,”

“Okay, um, I don’t totally know if I’m following you here. Are you freaked out that we won’t have jobs in the future if the band tanks, which I don’t think it will? I’m sorry to ask you so many questions, I just want to try to understand how you’re feeling,” Jack replied, trying his hardest to follow along with the fragments of information Alex had given him so far.

“It’s okay, I know that you just want to help, and I’m probably being cryptic as fuck and not making it easy. So, with the future, I guess I’ve started to realize that nothing about it is certain, and it’s just such an abstract, unfathomable thing. Like, the passage of time is really weird to me, it always has been, I think that’s what’s made me always be so interested in things having to do with outer space. Basically, that stuff interests me, but it also kind of freaks me out,” Alex explained, starting to feel the all too familiar of anxiety pool in his stomach; it usually happened when he started to think too deeply about these things.

“Oh, so you’re freaked out about time and how it just keeps going?”

“I guess that’s the easiest way to describe it,”

Alex’s voice cracked again, and this time he couldn’t stop a few small tears from spilling down his face. Jack wrapped his arm around Alex and hugged him tight while Alex got himself together.

“I think a lot of people are freaked out by that kind of thing, dude. Not to invalidate how you’re feeling, but don’t feel weird for feeling this way, it seems to be pretty common. Hell, even I’ve thought about all of the ‘big questions’ in life and have been a bit freaked out by it,” Jack sympathized, moving his hand to rub calming circles in Alex’s back.

“I appreciate you saying that. It’s not just that, though; sometimes, the future also feels so far away. I guess that’s kind of the point of it, but it feels like a long time sometimes,”

“I mean, people always say that time moves really fast. Like, fifty years seems like a lot when you’re in the middle of it, but it probably goes by quicker than people suspect that it will,”

“Yeah, I guess so, but it does feel like an insanely long time sometimes. There are some days that I feel like- actually, never mind,”

Alex cut himself off, then put his sweatshirt sleeves over his hands, and held them up at his eyes. Jack started to feel more concerned, he figured that Alex’s mood shift had been due to missing tour, he didn’t expect to have such a deep, existential conversation with Alex.

“No, what is it, Alex? You can tell me, remember?” Jack pushed, hugging Alex again.

“Okay, I’m going to come out and say it, but let me explain before you react or freak out. Um, there are days where the future feels so far away, and while I like my life, and our life as a band, I don’t know that, um, I don’t know that I want to keep doing it. Like, the thought of still being here in fifty years just seems so exhausting,”

Now it was Jack’s turn to feel anxious. For all the years that he’d known Alex, Alex had always been a happy, optimistic person, so hearing something this dark come from his best friend was scary.

“So, that last thing you said, are you-“

“Am I what, suicidal? No, I have no desire to hurt myself or anything like that, I promise. It’s just, I don’t know, the thought of doing this day in, day out shit for all that time seems so exhausting. I would never try to end my own life, please don’t think that I would; I’d be leaving you, Rian, Zack, my family and friends, and the fans. I have a great life, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes existing can just feel like a lot,” Alex explained, forcing himself to take deep breaths, hoping that he wouldn’t spiral any further.

Jack sat in silence for a moment, not entirely sure as to how to respond. He could somewhat relate to what Alex was saying, but hearing it still concerned him.

“Did I freak you out with all that? Sorry, dude,” Alex eventually said, regaining Jack’s attention.

“No, no, I was just trying to figure out what to say that would be helpful. Um, it’s a relief that you’re not, like, wanting to hurt yourself or anything, but I hate to hear you have such a negative outlook on your life. I know that going about life can feel hard and a bit monotonous at times, but I guess I just never expected to hear something like that from you,” Jack finally said, hoping that what he’d said was good enough.

“I get that, I mean, I never expected to say something like that, y’know? Most of the time, things like that don’t even cross my mind, like I said, I have an amazing life, and an amazing job, but I can’t help but have that occasional melancholic day. Well, it’s actually been a couple weeks, not just a day, but you get the idea,” Alex replied, forcing a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, it seems to be a normal thought that people have, to an extent. Alex, why didn’t you talk to me about this when you started feeling these feelings? You know I would’ve done whatever I could’ve done to help you,”

Alex sighed again as a guilty look took over his face. He looked down at the floor again as he played with the hem of his shirt.

“I should’ve talked to you when all this started up, but I guess I didn’t know how to describe it. I also thought I’d just get over it and be fine, I didn’t expect to feel this way for so long. As the days went on, it got harder and harder to want to talk with people, which is why I’ve been a bit MIA lately. It truly was nothing against you, it was just my mind being stupid,”

“Talking about how you feel can be hard, especially when you’re deep into it, I get it. I have to ask, when we were at your place earlier, there were a bunch of booze bottles laying around, are-“

“I’ve been drinking more than normal to cope, which I know isn’t good. I mean, I’ve not been, like, blackout drunk every single day since we got back from tour, but I’ve been drinking fairly consistently, it was the only thing I could think of to do that would block out my mind. It did actually work some in the beginning, but eventually, I just started to fixate on all this when I’d be drunk,”

“Have you had anything to drink today?”

“Nope, and I don’t plan on it. I didn’t yesterday either, for the first time in a while. I’d actually wanted to put all the bottles back, but it can be hard to force yourself to get up and do shit when you’re going through it,” Alex continued, still playing with the hem of his shirt in embarrassment.

“I get that, man. Look, I’m really glad that you talked to me about this, sorry I kind of forced it out of you. You’re my best friend and I care about you a lot; also, you’re the lead singer in my band, and I’d be kind of screwed without you,” Jack joked, making them both laugh.

“You’re right about that, dude. Thank you for forcing me to get out of my house and talk about all this, it actually really helped. I mean, everything I’ve been thinking about hasn’t just, like, gone away or anything, but it feels more manageable now, if that makes sense,”

“Yeah, I get that, I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. In the future, if something’s upsetting you like this, please talk to me. You’ve helped me off so many ledges throughout the course of our friendship, and you know I’ll always do the same for you,”

Alex smiled at his friend, then Jack pulled him into a real, two-armed hug that they stayed in for a couple minutes. Eventually, they pulled apart from each other, both still smiling.

“I just had another fun idea for us! Why don’t we head back to your place and I can help you clean it up a bit! I know it’s hard to clean and shit when you’re not feeling great mentally, and I’d love to help you,” Jack suggested, standing up from the gazebo bench.

“Dude, I couldn’t ask you to do that, you already cleaned up my emotional mess, no way you want to clean up the mess at my house, too,” Alex replied, standing and stretching.

“Well, you didn’t ask, I offered, and I don’t have anything else planned, anyway. It’ll be fun, we can blast some music while we clean, then we can order a pizza and watch movies, what do you say?”

“That does sound like a pretty great afternoon, a lot better than the ones I’ve been having recently. Let’s do it!” Alex exclaimed, following Jack out of the gazebo, and back through the park to the car.

After getting in the car, Jack started driving back in the direction of Alex’s house. Neither one of them had put the music on this time, they were riding in total silence. Jack was stopped at a red light, and looked over to Alex, about to offer his phone for music, when the smile on Alex’s face distracted him.

“There’s that smile! I’m glad to see it again!” Jack stated, making a slight blush appear on Alex’s cheeks.

“Thank you, Jack,” Alex replied, making Jack smile.

“Of course, Alex,” Jack said, the traffic light finally turning green.

Jack focused his attention back on the road as he drove through the intersection. He looked around at his surroundings, the sun was still shining bright in the sky, it really was a perfect day.

A/N: Hey guys, this is a request for zack_and_alex on AO3! I meant to have this up way sooner than I did, but I didn't want to rush it, and I got a bit busy recently. I have a few more requests in the works currently, but always feel free to send me more ideas if you have them! Another fic will be up soon! -Liv

#Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Rian Dawson #Zack Merrick #ATL #all time low #Jalex #jalex fic

[atlfics]

Missing in Action- All Time Low Fanfiction

Jack doesn't act like himself on tour, to the concern of his bandmates. Word Count: 4881

TW: depression, references to suicide

More notes at the end. 

“Thank you so much Denver, be good to each other out there, and we’ll see you next time! We love you!” Alex exclaimed as the last notes of Dear Maria came blaring from the amplifiers.

Alex danced around the stage as his bandmates jammed around Rian’s drum kit, and the crowd went wild, screaming and clapping as the show came to a close. Once the jam was over, the four of them walked up to the front of the stage to throw guitar pics, setlists, and drum sticks out into the crowd.

Alex grinned from ear to ear as he watched the fans excitedly try to catch everything, then made his way offstage a few minutes later. The rest of the band followed him, Rian and Zack walked together, and Jack trailed behind them, walking slowly and looking down at the ground.

“That was a great show! I think it was one of the best of the tour so far!” Rian stated, grabbing a towel from a crew member to wipe off some sweat.

“Dude, we’ve only played, like, five shows so far, isn’t it a bit early to say that this is the best show?” Zack asked, making everyone but Jack laugh.

“Well, I guess you could say that it’s been the best show of the tour so far, we still have twenty more shows to play before we decide which one is the best of the whole tour. The show did go really well, but I can’t get used to this altitude here. We’ve played Denver almost every time we’ve toured, but the altitude kills me a little bit every single time,” Alex continued, clearing his throat.

“You still sounded good, man, but this altitude is a lot. I’m just glad that we’re going to a flatter state next,” Rian said.

“That’ll be nice, and I’m so glad we have a hotel tonight, too. I don’t hate sleeping on the bus, but a huge king bed is definitely a thousand times better, even if I have to share it with Rian,” Zack replied, making Rian roll his eyes.

“We’re basically leaving now, right?” Jack quietly said, reminding his bandmates that he’d been standing there the whole time in silence.

“Yeah, we do. I guess we should get on now, so we don’t get left behind,” Alex joked, awkwardly laughing.

He was a bit concerned about Jack; he hadn’t been acting like himself all day. Jack had been extremely quiet and to himself since the previous night, but it had gotten much worse over the course of the day. Part of him wanted to ask Jack what was going on, he wanted to make sure that his friend was okay, and help if something was wrong. Despite this, Alex also knew that Jack typically came to someone on his own when things were rough, and Alex trusted that this situation would be the same.

After everyone shared an awkward smile at Jack’s response, the four of them walked out the back door of the venue, then onto the bus. They all greeted their driver, who let them know that they’d be stopping for gas once they were out of the area of the venue, then took a seat in the front lounge. Alex was surprised that Jack had joined them, but hoped that this meant that Jack was starting to feel okay from whatever was bothering him, if something had been bothering him at all.

“Alright, well we have a little over an hour until we get to the hotel in the next city, how should we pass the time?” Alex asked his bandmates, earning shrugs in response.

“I think I’m going to go nap in my bunk, I’ll be back there if you need me,” Jack replied, awkwardly getting up and looking down at his feet as he disappeared to the bunk area.

Alex, Rian, and Zack all exchanged confused looks while they waited to make sure that Jack was out of earshot. After a couple minutes, Alex opened his mouth to speak.

“Okay, is it just me, or does he seem a bit off?”

“I was thinking the same thing. Has he talked to one of you guys about whatever’s bothering him? He hasn’t come to me, I would’ve said something if he did,” Zack continued, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Same here, he hasn’t said anything to me, either. I wonder what’s up with him, he normally comes to us when he’s upset over something,” Rian pointed out.

“Exactly, that’s what worries me, it’s not like him to just isolate like this. I mean, he’s normally pretty happy, and doesn’t get upset or sad, so it’s weird that he’s even down about something. I really wanted to ask him what was going on, but I’m hoping he’ll just come to me soon like he normally does. I don’t want to make him feel awkward or anything, but I want to know what’s up,” Alex explained, sighing as he grabbed a bag of chips.

“Well, hopefully he will soon. Maybe he’s waiting until we get to the hotel to talk to you about it, so it can be a bit more private,” Zack suggested, making Alex shrug his shoulders.

“Yeah, maybe that’s it. I guess I’ll find out. Hey, do you guys want to play a game on the Play Station? I kind of want to get my mind off of this,” Alex offered, getting up to turn on the console and grabbing three of the four controllers.

“Sure, we haven’t played anything in a while, but I’m still going to kick both of your asses!” Rian exclaimed, making his friends laugh.

“We’ll see about that, Dawson! Let’s play a racing game,” Zack requested, as Alex selected his profile and the game that Zack had mentioned.

Alex quickly set up the game, then they started to play. As they played, Alex tried his hardest to stop himself from worrying so much about Jack. For all he knew, Jack could be just fine, maybe he was just tired from having to readjust to life on tour. Sure, he normally didn’t have such a drastic personality shift like this on past tours, but they were getting older, maybe that’s what this was. The three of them continued to play until they felt the bus slow down as it pulled into the gas station.

“I want to get some food, or a snack, or something, I’m really hungry. Do you guys want to come with me?” Alex offered, as his friends stood up.

“Sure, that sounds really good. Should we invite Jack?” Rian suggested.

“Yeah, you guys go on in, I’ll see if he wants to go, then meet you inside,” Alex proposed, walking towards the bunks while Rian and Zack made their way off the bus.

Alex knocked on the side next to Jack’s bunk, then saw Jack barely pull back his privacy curtain.

“Are we at the hotel?” Jack asked, his voice small.

“Nah, not yet, we’re at the gas station. I just wanted to see if you wanted to come in with us and grab something while our driver gasses up the bus,” Alex offered, sympathetically smiling at his friend.

“Um, I think I’m going to stay here, I don’t really want anything. Thanks for the offer, though,”

Alex sighed, he wanted to know what was going on, Jack was acting so unlike himself that Alex didn’t even feel like he was talking to Jack, he felt like he was talking to some other person in Jack’s body.

“Okay, um, I guess I’m going to go on in, then. I’ll let you know when we’re close to the hotel. If you think of something you want in the next few minutes, text it to me, and I’ll grab it for you,”

“Thanks, Alex,”

Jack pulled his privacy curtain shut, then Alex heard him shift around in his bed for a moment before the bus was filled with silence. Trying his hardest to not worry about Jack, Alex got off the bus and went into the gas station, where he saw Rian and Zack standing by the slushie machine.

“He didn’t want to come?” Rian asked, filling a huge cup with cherry slushie.

“No, he said he didn’t want anything. I’m still going to grab some snacks for him, just in case he ends up wanting something later. Do you know how far we are from the hotel?” Alex asked, grabbing a slushie cup.

“We’re about twenty minutes out, that’s what our driver said when we saw him filling the bus. I’m so excited to sleep in a real bed tonight, I’ve missed having a real mattress,” Zack continued, making Alex laugh.

“Dude, we’ve been on tour for a week, not two months, you slept in your own bed at home less than a week ago,” Rian pointed out, making Zack shrug his shoulders.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that this bus has mattresses that are clearly from a college dorm! I swear, when we visited our friends who went to college, they had beds that were more comfortable than the ones we have now!” Zack exclaimed, as Alex filled his slushie cup.

“Maybe so, but we have a lot more touring in front of us, so you’d better get used to it! Let’s get in and out of here so we can get to the hotel before it’s insanely late,” Alex suggested, before leaving his friends to browse his snacking options.

After a few minutes of looking around, Alex decided on a couple bags of chips and some candy for himself, and the same for Jack. Once the three of them paid for everything, they got back onto the bus, and took their same seats from earlier. When they were situated, the bus began moving again, as it got back onto the main road.

“I’ll wake Jack up when we’re about five minutes from the hotel. Until then, do you guys want to play again? I think I’m owed a rematch!” Alex exclaimed, grabbing his controller.

“You’re so on, good luck beating me!” Rian replied, as Alex started a new game.

The three of them played and ate their snacks until their driver announced over the intercom system that they were just a few minutes out from the hotel.

“I’m going to go get Jack now, can you guys turn off the console and put everything away?” Alex asked, standing up.

“Sure, we can do that,” Zack replied, walking over towards the Play Station.

Alex walked over to the bunk area, then knocked on the side of Jack’s bed like he’d done earlier. He didn’t get any type of response, confusing him some.

“Jack, we’re just about to be at the hotel, you need to get up,” Alex tried, still knocking.

Alex couldn’t hear Jack at all, and the privacy curtain never moved. As much as he didn’t want to invade Jack’s privacy, he had to get Jack up so they could walk into the hotel, so Alex pulled back the curtain and immediately felt his jaw drop. Jack wasn’t there, his bunk was completely empty, except for a couple pillows and a blanket.

“Oh, shit,” Alex muttered, his mouth still open in shock as he went back out to the front lounge.

“Alex, are you okay? You look like you just shit a brick,” Rian pointed out, as Alex took a seat.

“Jack’s not back there,” Alex finally replied, watching his friends’ faces mirror his own.

“What do you mean he’s not back there? He stayed here when we went to the gas station, where else could he be? Do you think he’s in a different bunk or something? Like, maybe he’s trying to be funny,” Zack suggested, making Alex immediately shake his head.

“No, I didn’t check, but I don’t think he’s in a silly, joking mood right now. You guys can come look with me back there, but I don’t think he’s on this bus,”

The three of them quickly went back to the bunk area, both checking a few beds each with no luck. Alex quickly looked in the back lounge, and Rian checked in the bathroom, both being unsuccessful in finding their friend.

“Fuck, this isn’t good. I’m going to try calling him. Ri, can you tell the driver that we probably have to turn around and go back to that gas station?” Alex requested, pulling out his cell phone and going to Jack’s contact.

Rian walked up to where the driver was, while Zack and Alex sat back down in the front lounge as Alex called Jack. After a few rings, it went to voicemail.

“I just told the driver to turn around, did you reach him?” Rian asked, sitting back down with his friends.

“No, he didn’t answer. I should’ve just asked him earlier today if something was going on, this wouldn’t have happened if I’d just been a good friend in the first place,” Alex continued, sounding upset with himself.

“Hey now, don’t blame yourself for this, dude. You just didn’t want to be invasive, you did think that you were being a good friend. We’ll find him, don’t worry,” Zack assured, putting a supportive hand on Alex’s back.

“We’ll find him if he’s even still at that gas station, what if he’s been wandering since we left? It’s been a while since we were there, he could’ve gotten really far since then,” Alex stated, putting his head into his hands in frustration.

“Wait, I know how we can see where he is!” Rian exclaimed, pulling out his phone and unlocking it.

“What do you mean, Rian? I mean, unless you’ve got some type of chip implanted in him or something,” Alex said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, it’s not in him, it’s in his phone. I’ve never told you this because I didn’t want you to make me disable it, but I have all of your all’s locations on my phone,” Rian replied, showing Alex his screen.

Alex was looking at a map with three icons that had the first letter of his first name, along with Zack’s and Jack’s.

“Right, um, why do you have this? This is borderline creepy, dude,” Zack pointed out, to which Alex nodded in agreement.

“No, it’s extremely useful! On our last tour, there were so many times where Jack and Alex would get plastered on a night off and bar hop without telling anyone. Trying to speak on the phone with you guys would be useless, usually the signal would suck, the bar would be loud, or you’d be too fucked up to form coherent sentences. I put this on all our phones for if that were to happen again, and now I’m really glad I did. It looks like Jack is still at that gas station, sitting behind it,” Rian explained, pointing to the icon with the letter J in it.

“Shit, I guess he is. So, you’re sure that your location tracker thing is accurate, right?” Alex asked, grabbing Rian’s phone and staring at the screen.

“Well, it worked great on our last tour, so it should be. We weren’t in an area with no reception, so it should be current,” Rian replied.

“Man, I hope so. I still can’t believe this happened, I should’ve checked on him when we got back on the bus or something, like, I just feel like this could’ve been prevented had I just tried to be a better friend,” Alex continued, sighing.

“Like I said before, this isn’t your fault, Alex, so don’t blame yourself. It’s all going to be okay, we’re on the way back to him now, and we’ll figure out what’s going on, okay?” Zack assured.

“Zack’s right, this isn’t your fault, but it’ll all be okay. Let’s just try to stay calm until we get back to the gas station,” Rian added, patting Alex’s back.

The ride back to the gas station was the longest fifteen minutes of Alex’s life. Never before had he felt so desperate to be somewhere other than where he was. He knew that he’d be having a conversation with Jack now, and he felt nervous for it; sure, he’d talked Jack down before, but this seemed entirely different than all the past times. Normally, Alex went into conversations like this feeling confident that he could help, but he didn’t feel this way now. He couldn’t help but wonder why Jack didn’t come to him earlier, and why it had to turn into this situation.

Eventually, the bus stopped moving, and Alex saw the gas station from earlier out the window.

“Do you want us to go with you, or do you want to go yourself?” Zack asked, as Alex stood up.

“I think I’m good to go alone, I also don’t want him to feel ambushed or anything. Is he still in the same spot, Ri?” Alex asked, turning his attention to Rian, who was still looking at his phone.

“Yeah, it looks like he is. If you need something, just text us, we’ll be here,” Rian replied, a sad smile on his face.

“Thanks, guys, I’ll be back as soon as possible,”

Alex walked out of the lounge, and thanked the driver for stopping, before walking off the bus, and towards the back of the gas station. Jack was sitting on the ground, his back leaned up against the building, and his head in his hands. He was crying and shivering, as it was a chilly October night.

Alex quietly made his way over to his friend, not wanting to startle him while he was in such a vulnerable position. He slid down the side of the building to sit with Jack, who still didn’t know that Alex was there, then Alex put a hand on Jack’s shoulder, making him jump.

“Shit! Who’s- Alex, is that you?” Jack frantically asked, his quiet voice cracking as he spoke.

“Yeah, it’s me, dude. Sorry to startle you, I didn’t mean to sneak attack you like that,” Alex replied, trying to keep his tone even, despite his nerves.

“What’re you doing here? I figured that the bus left already,”

“Well, it did, we actually almost made it to the hotel. I went to wake you up, and you weren’t in your bunk, or any of the other bunks, or the back lounge, or the bathroom. After panicking that you were gone, we realized that you probably got off here, and came back. What’s going on, Jack? Why did you sneak off the bus to stay here, while almost giving the rest of us heart attacks?” Alex demanded, his tone more stern than he’d intended.

Jack looked back down at his lap as he cried some more. Alex scooted closer to Jack and put an arm around his shoulders, hugging him as tightly as he could while he cried. They stayed like this for what felt like hours to Alex; the uncertainty and cold air made this moment feel like time had been paused for the two of them.

Eventually, Jack’s crying began to subside, and his breathing started to become even. He used the sleeves of his hoodie to wipe his eyes, before turning back to face Alex.

“Sorry about that,” Jack finally said, sounding embarrassed.

“Don’t apologize, it’s okay. What’s going on, Jack? You’ve been distant since yesterday, and you’ve had this sad and depressed demeanor that I’ve never seen you have before. To be honest, I wanted to ask if something was up the moment you started acting different, but I didn’t want to pry, you normally come to me, or Rian, or Zack, when something’s going on. What makes this time different?” Alex asked, his tone much more sympathetic this time.

“Um, it’s kind of a lot, if I’m being honest. We can go back on the bus and get to the hotel so we can sleep, if you want,”

“No, that can all wait, I want to see what’s going on with you first, that matters way more to me right now. I don’t want to force you to talk if you’re uncomfortable doing so, but you’ve got to understand, I’m worried about you. You’ve not been yourself, and you snuck off the bus, probably hoping that we wouldn’t realize and come back for you. Please, I just want to help you feel okay again, dude,”

Alex pulled Jack closer, and rubbed circles into his back. Jack shifted around uncomfortably, then finally settled into his spot.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you, but sorry in advance, because it’s probably going to sound really dramatic and stupid,”

“I’m sure it won’t dude, and I’m not going to judge you; I want you to talk to me because you’re my best friend and I love you, and I just want you to be okay,”

Jack took one last deep breath before clearing his throat so he could speak clearly.

“Alright, well, remember how after our last tour, I was diagnosed with depression? I mean, I knew I had depression for a long time before getting that diagnosis, but it was made official then?”

“Yeah, I do. I’ve thought that you’ve been handling that really well since then, to be honest. You’ve not said much about it,”

“Right, well, it’s not really been good since I got that diagnosis. Some things have gotten better, I’ve learned real coping skills that don’t involve me drinking myself into oblivion, but some things have been worse. My thoughts have been a lot lately, um, they’ve been kind of scary, and even if I do all of my new coping skills a thousand times over, the thoughts are still there,” Jack explained, his voice wavering again.

“What thoughts have you been having, Jack?” Alex bluntly asked, still rubbing Jack’s back.

“Quite a few, but the main ones have to do with feeling unwanted. I don’t know what it is, or why I have these thoughts, or how to get them to shut the fuck up, but I’ve been waking up most days lately, feeling like a huge burden on everyone in my life. You guys, my other friends, my family, everyone. Like, I feel like everyone in my life just tolerates my existence because they have to, not because they want to, or because they like me. Sometimes, that gets a little darker and I-“

Jack cut himself off, his voice cracking as he started to cry again. Alex reached the arm that had been at his side the whole time around, so he could wrap Jack into a proper hug.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay. You said it could get darker, what did you mean by that, man?”

“Um, well, I’ve never actually said this out loud to anyone before, even the therapist I was seeing prior to this tour, but, um. The thoughts I just mentioned, sometimes feeling unwanted can make you feel other things, too, things that are just as stupid sounding. There have been days lately where I don’t know if I want to be here anymore, where I don’t know if I want to wake up the next day. I’d never actually do anything to myself, I’m too scared to do anything like that, but sometimes not being here sounds nice, then I wouldn’t have to feel unwanted and like I’m a burden on other people,”

Jack’s tone was shaky and quiet, saying these thoughts out loud was clearly very difficult for him to do. Instead of crying again, Jack focused on taking deep breaths and looking down into his lap. Ever since he’d gotten off the bus earlier, he’d done a great deal of crying, he didn’t feel like he had anymore tears left, and he wanted to speak without getting emotional; he just wanted to communicate how he was feeling, and he wanted to get the thoughts he’d been having somewhere else aside from his head.

“Jack, man, I’m so sorry, I had no idea that you’ve been thinking like that recently. Why didn’t you come talk to me, or the others? We would’ve done everything we could to help you,”

“It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard to talk about, man. Like, I know that everything my mind is telling me is wrong, like, logically, I understand that. Despite understanding that, I still can’t help but think those things, and believe them to be true. Over the last couple days, I’ve been feeling so unwanted, and I wanted to talk to you about it, but I couldn’t make myself do it, it made me feel like a burden. That’s why I decided to sneak off the bus, I didn’t want to keep myself in a space where I was making myself feel unwanted, and I think part of me wanted to see you guys come back for me, to prove myself wrong,” Jack continued, still looking down at his lap.

“Well, did it work? Did you prove to yourself that me and the guys care about you?” Alex questioned, loosening his grip on Jack a bit.

“For now, yeah, it did. You guys actually came back for me, and you’ve proven that you care about me just by having this conversation with me. So, for now, I feel good, but that doesn’t mean that this feeling will last. I bet I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel the exact same way that I have the past few days. I’m not going to do something as stupid as this again, staying behind at what seems to be a pretty shady gas station, but I’ll come up with other stupid shit that I could do instead,”

Jack shifted around a bit, putting his head into his hands. Alex sighed, he hated to hear his best friend talk about himself in this way.

“Well, if you feel like this again, come talk to me, Rian, or Zack. We all love you, man, and we’re happy to listen and help in any way that we can. This band wouldn’t exist without you, and my life wouldn’t be as good as it is if you weren’t in it,”

“You’re just saying that,” Jack replied, rolling his eyes as he looked back over to Alex.

“No, I’m not. Meeting you in eighth grade was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You completely changed my life, partly due to the band, but also just because of who you are. When I met you, I was a shy, insecure kid who was afraid of his own shadow. You took me under your wing on my first day at your school, and ever since then, you’ve talked me up when I’ve needed it, and you’ve been an amazing friend all around. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, and so is everyone else that has that privilege. You’re not unwanted, or a burden, you’re my best friend, and always will be,” Alex assured, making small smiles start to appear on their faces.

“Thank you for that, it means a lot to me. I should’ve just come to you when it started getting bad, I shouldn’t have tried to handle it alone. You’ve always been really good at talking me down in times like this, I should’ve used my resources better,” Jack joked, awkwardly laughing.

“Yeah, you should’ve, but I also could’ve come to you, I could’ve asked you what was going on. I was waiting for you to approach me, I didn’t want you to feel cornered or forced to speak, and I was worried about reading into something that wasn’t even there. I’ll come to you next time I think you need it,”

“Thanks, Alex, that means a lot. Sorry about all this, I didn’t mean to cause such a scene and delay our traveling schedule. Thank you for coming back for me,”

Jack and Alex exchanged a smile as Alex pulled Jack back into a tight hug.

“You don’t have to thank me for that, dude. You’re my best friend, I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Also, sorry to bring this back up, but the really dark thoughts you mentioned, if you think them again, please let me know. I don’t want you to think about not being here, and shit like that, okay? It’ll never be a burden, I promise,” Alex assured, sounding serious.

“I will, don’t worry. Hey, it’s really fucking cold out here, should we get back to the bus?”

“Good idea, let’s do that. Oh, I grabbed a couple bags of chips and some candy for you when we were here earlier, but if you wanted something else, I think the gas station is still open,”

“Hm, maybe we could take a quick look inside? To be honest, ice cream sounds really good right now,”

“You know what, I was thinking the same thing. Come on, let’s go,”

Alex stood up, then extended his hand to help Jack up. They exchanged one last smile before walking into the gas station together. Alex and Jack knew that this likely wouldn’t be the last conversation like this that they would share, but that was okay. They could always count on one another to be there, and that was all that mattered.

A/N: Hey guys, this was a request for zack_and_alex on AO3! I haven't written a request in a pretty long time, so I really enjoyed working on this! I have more fics in the works, and plan on posting again soon! As always, please send in requests or ideas if you have them. Also, my next fic will be my 300th, which is absolutely insane to me; thank you for the continued support, it means the world. -Liv

#Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Rian Dawson #Zack Merrick #ATL #all time low

[atlfics]

Changing Paths- All Time Low Fanfiction

After working hard for years to get into graduate school, Alex has second thoughts. Word Count: 4631

TW: anxiety, depression, binge-eating, mentions of suicide and psych hospitals (not a focal point of the story but tagging to be safe)

More notes at the end. 

“Jack, are you and Alex going to meet us at the bar in an hour?” Rian asked Jack as he pulled up to Jack’s apartment building.

“Yeah, that’s the plan. I’ll let you know when we’re on the way later, and we can meet up at that one bar on the strip. Hopefully Alex is finished with the school shit he said he had to do; I still can’t believe that he’s actually in grad school. Not that I think he can’t do it, it just seems like so much work,” Jack replied, making Rian laugh.

“Of course it feels like a lot of work to you, you’ve always hated school. I’m just proud of Alex for doing the damn thing, especially since it seems like he’s under a lot of pressure and stress constantly now,”

“True, I just hope he’s not too stressed, y’know? He’s been a bit more distant the past few days, but it’s the end of his semester, so that’s probably why,”

“Hopefully, I’m glad he’ll get to have fun and loosen up tonight! You should go on up now, then make sure he’s in the process of getting ready. Text me if anything comes up, but if not, I’ll see you guys in an hour. Oh, I’m giving Zack a ride,”

“Sounds good, Ri, see you then!”

Jack finally got out of Rian’s car, then started to walk up the outdoor staircase to the third floor, where the apartment he shared with Alex was. He unlocked the door and was a bit surprised to hear total silence in the apartment; when Alex worked on schoolwork, he would usually blast his music to make it more enjoyable. As he shut the door and relocked it, Jack did his best to keep quiet, not wanting to disturb his friend if he was trying to focus on something.

After grabbing a snack out of the kitchen, Jack started to make his way down the hallway where their bedrooms and shared bathroom was. Alex’s door was shut, another weird occurrence; Alex almost always left it open, especially when he was home alone, so he could hear Jack come in. Jack didn’t want to spy on his friend or invade his privacy, he knew that would be wrong, but he couldn’t help it, he had to know if something was going on.

He leaned up against Alex’s door and pressed his ear against it, trying to hear if anything was happening on the other side. Jack quickly realized that all he could hear was his own breathing, so he held his breath for a moment. Sure enough, he started being able to hear something on the other side of the door. Jack heard quiet sobs, and immediately started feeling even more concerned.

After another minute or so, Jack decided that it was time to intervene, he took a deep breath, then slowly opened the door. Alex was sitting at his desk with his laptop open, staring at something on the screen with his head propped up in his hands. He was lightly crying, as Jack had heard when he was leaned up against the door, and seemed extremely distressed.

Jack looked around Alex’s room, it was uncharacteristically messy, there were clothes all over the floor, textbooks were spread out everywhere, and there were stacks of plates, bowls, and cups on his desk, and on the floor around it. Jack walked over to Alex and put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Hey, Alex,” Jack softly said, not wanting to startle his friend.

“Ah! Jack, when did you get there?” Alex asked, jumping and clearing his throat.

Alex put his sweatshirt sleeve over his hand and quickly wiped his eyes before turning to face Jack, an obviously fake smile plastered on his face that he hoped that Jack would buy.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I got back here a few minutes ago. I hate barging in like this, but I didn’t hear music blasting when I walked in, your door was shut, and I could hear you crying when I was walking down the hallway. What’s going on, Alex?”

Jack took a seat on Alex’s bed, which was right next to his desk, and looked directly at Alex. Alex took a deep breath and looked down at the ground before shifting his gaze back up to Jack and beginning to play with the hem of his sweatshirt.

“Um, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, finals are just, um, stressful, y’know?” Alex tried, his voice uncharacteristically soft and shaky.

“Alex, you’re my best friend, I’ve known you for so many years now, do you really think that I’m going to buy that this is you, totally okay, no issues, just dealing with stress from finals? I saw you stressed when we were in undergrad together, and it didn’t look like this. Come on, what’s going on, man? You know I’m not going to judge you, I just want to help if I can, please talk to me,”

Jack’s tone was a bit desperate, but he didn’t care, Alex was really worrying him, and he wanted to do everything he could to express his concern.

“It’s all really stupid, and I know you’re saying that you’re not going to judge me, but I feel like you will, when you hear what I’m all bent out of shape about,”

“No dude, I’m not going to do that, you’re clearly distressed about something, and I just want to support you through it,”

Alex stood up from his desk chair, then joined Jack on his bed, sitting at the end of it and crossing his legs to face Jack. Jack moved into the same position, causing the two of them to look directly at one another.

“Okay, um, I haven’t really told anyone about this yet, well, I’ve alluded to it with my parents, but I haven’t had a full-on conversation about it yet, so sorry if I get all weird and emotional. Um, I think I’m going to drop out of grad school,” Alex finally confessed, his eyes starting to water again.

Jack stayed silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. He was a bit surprised to hear this coming from Alex, getting into this graduate program had been what Alex had been working towards throughout his entire time in undergrad, and he seemed so passionate about what he was working towards for such a long time. This certainly came out of left field, as far as Jack was concerned. Still, he didn’t want Alex to feel judged or scrutinized, Jack knew that he wouldn’t open up more if he did, so Jack took a deep breath, then finally started to speak.

“Wow, okay, well, what’s been going on that’s making you want to do that? I’m not trying to judge or anything, I just want to understand where your head is at,”

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but stopped as he felt another tear form in his eyes. He took a deep breath as he wiped his eyes.

“Kind of a lot of things, if I’m being honest. I’ve kind of been thinking about this all semester, and now that it’s the end of this semester, I’m fairly of solid in my choice,” Alex started, his voice wavering quite a bit.

“Okay, well, what’s been making you think about this for the whole semester? From the outside looking in, it looked like you were really enjoying your program, it didn’t seem like you were going back and forth about staying or leaving,”

“Well, when I was applying this time last year, I was kind of ambivalent about it all, if that makes sense. Like, I obviously put my all into my applications and interviews, I mean, I got into four fucking psychology doctoral programs, I didn’t bullshit anything. I think the ambivalent feelings came from starting to lose my passion for the field, and the work I’ve been doing, but I didn’t realize it at the time. Or, maybe I did, but I wanted to suppress it all as much as I could. I mean, I worked so hard throughout all of undergrad to get to where I am now; a doctoral level graduate program in psychology, but now that I’m in it, I don’t want it anymore,” Alex explained, unable to stop himself from breaking down.

Jack scooted closer to Alex and put his arm around his friend’s shoulders, rubbing Alex’s back as he continued to cry. As Jack watched Alex try to calm his breathing, he felt like he was at a loss, he really didn’t know how to help Alex in this situation, he wasn’t sure if Alex wanted to be convinced to stay in his program, or if he wanted Jack to agree with him. Eventually, Alex’s breathing evened out and he looked up at Jack with tear-stained cheeks.

“Sorry about that, this has been the first time I’ve ever said any of that out loud to another person,”

“Don’t apologize, you’re contemplating a huge decision, it’s natural that it’s going to make you a bit emotional. Look, I think that you should do whatever will make you the happiest in the long run. This is your life, and you only get one shot at it, but are you sure that you want to do this? Like you said, you worked so hard the last four years in undergrad to be where you are now,” Jack continued, still rubbing Alex’s back.

“I know I did, and for the longest time, it was a labor of love, y’know, working so hard to get here. I came up with this plan, to major in psychology in undergrad, then to pursue a doctoral level degree in clinical psychology, when I was seventeen. There were a lot of factors that went into that life plan, my dad’s sobriety, high school friends having mental health struggles that made me want to be a good therapist to help people like them. All those things were good reasons to get into mental health work, sure, but they weren’t my only reasons for getting into it, they also weren’t the biggest reasons. I’m realizing now that there were other things making me want to get into this field, and they aren’t great,”

“What are the other reasons? I always thought it was just about your dad and high school friends,”

“Well, yeah, that was a huge part of it, but there’s other things, too. Like, I think I realized this in high school and even college, but I wanted to get a doctoral degree in psychology to have a doctoral degree in psychology, if that makes sense. I wanted the status that came with it, I wanted to be called doctor, and, this is super shallow, but I also wanted the salary associated with a doctoral degree in psychology. There are so many master’s programs in psychology that could’ve led to me being a therapist or counselor, but they don’t pay as well as a doctoral degree would have. I think I always had dreams of being super wealthy, I wanted to be able to afford a gigantic house, the kind of house that I wanted as a kid, since I grew up in a relatively small house, that was super important to me for so many years. I still want to make enough money to where I’m not struggling to survive, but I’ve kind of come to realize that I don’t need an extremely high salary, or an extravagant house. It feels so weird to say that out loud, it sounds so superficial, and its honestly kind of embarrassing,” Alex admitted, his face turning red as he spoke.

“Don’t be embarrassed, dude. I can understand why you are, but I feel like most kids have that dream, to be super well off financially, it doesn’t surprise me that you had that dream, and that you wanted to pursue this specific degree to get there. What does surprise me, is that you lost your passion for the field. I’m not trying to say that in a judgmental way or anything, but I guess it just shocks me, because you seemed so in love with it for so long. Like, you decided that you wanted to study this when you were seventeen for reasons that were important to you, and outside of that, you just seemed to love the content. In undergrad, you were excited to go to your psychology classes. Well, maybe not your research classes, but you get what I’m saying. It just surprises me that you fell out of love with it, I guess,” Jack continued, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible.

“I can see why you’re saying that it looked like I was having the time of my life to someone on the outside. I did love it for a long time, and I loved studying it in undergrad, and a lot of that, I’m now realizing, is because of undergrad itself. I loved our college so much, and I loved the psychology department; I was really close to almost every core faculty member within it, and they made me really love learning. It’s not that I hate my graduate school or program, but I’m realizing that most, if not all, of the reason I loved psychology so much was because of factors that don’t have to do with the field itself,”

“We did go to a great undergrad institution, even I enjoyed it. What about your job, though? I’ve always thought that you loved it, I mean, I figured anyone doing that work would have to love it in order to tolerate it,” Jack replied, nervous laughter escaping him.

Alex gave an embarrassed half smile before looking down at his lap again; he took a couple deep breaths before looking back up. Jack looked at his friend and noticed that his face had gone a bit pale, concerning him more.

“Hey, are you okay? You don’t have to answer that if it makes you uncomfortable, sorry,”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Like I said, this is the first time I’m saying any of this out loud to anyone, so I guess I’m just a little nervous. No one can judge me or think poorly of me in my head, well, except for me,”

“Well, you know I’m not going to do that. Like I said earlier, I just want to understand how you’re feeling so I can help you through this,” Jack assured, starting to rub Alex’s back again.

“Thanks, Jack, I appreciate that, and thanks for being patient with me, I need it. Anyway, back to my job. When I first started it, the second semester of our junior year, I was still super amped up about the field, helping people, and making psychology my full time career. You already know this, but I got this job to have experience in the field for my graduate applications. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy going into it, I mean, I applied to be a mental health technician on an adult unit with patients dealing with psychiatric issues, drug addictions, or both. When I first started, I really loved it, this work lit me up and made me feel good. Starting in March of this year, so about nine months ago, I started disliking parts of it, then that quickly turned into disliking the job as a whole,”

“Shit, really? I never knew you disliked it like that, I assumed it was all going great, since you never said anything about it,”

“That was kind of the idea, I didn’t tell you that anything was wrong because I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to fall back in love with my job, and I thought that talking about it meant that I had to acknowledge that I didn’t love it anymore, and that I didn’t really want to stay in this field, and I didn’t want those things to be true. Back in March, we had an insane caseload. Like, I constantly had to be on a one-to-one with a patient who had severe issues, and the rest of the unit was a lot, too. Work became incredibly draining, and I really fucking dreaded having to go. Since then, it’s gotten a bit better, like, the unit itself, but my perception of everything, and my mental health, have both remained shitty,”

“Wait, your mental health? What’s going on with that? You never said anything about that,” Jack stated, his concern growing.

Before Alex could speak, his eyes started to water again, making him groan in frustration.

“Hey, it’s okay, cry if you need to. I know that this is all heavy and hard to talk about. I’m not judging, okay?” Jack assured, pulling Alex into another hug.

Alex rested his head on Jack’s shoulder for a moment and tried to take deep breaths, hoping that he could calm himself down before really letting the floodgates open. They stayed like this for a few minutes, both completely silent, with the exception of Alex’s shaky breathing. Eventually, Alex lifted his head back up and scooted back a bit, wanting to recollect himself so he could speak.

“Sorry about that, this is all a lot harder to talk about than I thought it would be. Anyway, my mental health has been really shitty since, like, March. It started to get kind of bad because of my job, but school has made it all a thousand times worse. Like, I’ve never been so anxious in my life, than when I’ve gone to school and work. Also, I’ve been feeling depressed constantly, and school is causing that. Well, the anxiety I feel from school is what causes it, I think, but it all feeds into each other, and is just a huge mess that I can’t seem to fix,” Alex continued, his speech very shaky.

“What are you anxious and depressed about? I’m not trying to invalidate how you feel, I guess I’m just a bit surprised, and want to know what you mean,”

“You’re all good, I understand your intentions. Well, I guess I’ll start with work. Like I said, work started to get really shitty back in March, and sort of stayed that way until, like, last month. Our unit was constantly just a lot, and we had a bunch of patients who I’d get super concerned over for lots of different reasons. I’d be nervous about getting into a physical management, or I’d be nervous that I’d walk into something bad. I walked in on a patient trying to end his life on a round back in April, and that’s constantly been something that’s freaked me out since. Like, I’m always paranoid that I’m going to walk in on another patient doing the same thing; there are some that we get who are more likely to do that, so I’m always super anxious and on edge at work, which isn’t great,” Alex explained, his voice cracking.

“I remember when that happened, I know that really freaked you out. I’d try to boost you up and say that you saved a life, which you did, but I know that saving a life doesn’t necessarily justify the trauma you felt from it,” Jack sympathized.

“You’ve got that right, I’m glad I could help that patient, but that day has haunted me ever since it happened. Anyway, so that’s the work anxiety, I guess I should get into the school stuff now. Basically, my mental health has been the worst it’s ever been this semester. I know I said that a few times during undergrad, but those times were nothing compared to now. In grad school, the classes are small, I had about twelve people in all my classes, which means that participation was always expected. You know this about me, but talking in front of groups of people is really fucking hard for me, and that’s not changed since I’ve been in grad school. In almost every class I went to this semester, I’d want to participate like everyone else, but I’d pressure myself to speak, and give myself bad anxiety attacks in class. If I didn’t participate by the end of the class, I’d leave feeling really depressed, and I’d feel that way for the rest of the day,”

Alex looked down at his hands again, unable to make himself look up at Jack while being this vulnerable. He did his best to keep himself together and not cry again, he just wanted to explain what was going on, he really didn’t want to be so emotional over it.

“Damn, I had no idea that things were like that for you, I’m sorry I didn’t notice, I would’ve tried to help,” Jack finally replied, sounding guilty.

“No, it’s not your fault, I did everything I could to hide it from you on purpose. I didn’t want this to be a problem, any of it, so I figured that if I hid it and tried to figure it out myself, that it would all be okay; you probably figured this out, but I was wrong about that. The way that I dealt with the anxiety and depression all semester has been through binge eating, which hasn’t been great, either. I’ve put on some more weight since the semester started, which has fucked with my self-confidence even more, and has left me feeling extremely unhealthy. I also haven’t been working out, I’ve not had time to go to the gym because of my workload, so I feel really shitty, both mentally and physically. Everything just feels terrible, and I honestly don’t feel like I can fix any of it unless I stop school, and my current job. I just don’t think that this field is for me,” Alex continued, his voice growing weaker as he spoke.

“Well, it doesn’t have to be for you, y’know? Like, if you’ve realized that this isn’t what you want to do, or that you were in it for the wrong reasons, that’s totally okay, dude. There’s so many other paths and fields out there, you’re not bound to psychology just because you picked it at seventeen years old. Speaking of other paths, have you thought about other careers or jobs?”

“Yeah, I have. I’ve looked at HR positions, even some administrative jobs. I’ll probably need to go back to school to get a master’s at some point, which is fine, but I want to work for a bit first. I want to build myself up and gain experience for now, then go back eventually. Plus, Master’s programs are a lot less intense, I mean, they’re still a lot of work, but they’re usually two years, not five years, like the one I’m in now,”

Alex got up from his bed and sat back down at his desk. He clicked through a few pages on his laptop, then turned back to Jack.

“This is the withdraw form, I think I’m going to fill it out now and submit it,”

“As long as you’re totally sure that this is what you want to do, I fully support you, man. Your happiness matters so much more than a piece of paper, or a certain career, and I’m glad that you’re realizing that,” Jack replied, smiling at his friend.

“Thanks, I really appreciate that. It wasn’t easy coming to this decision, especially since I was so in love with this field for so long, but I’m finally realizing that just because I loved it at one point, it doesn’t mean that I need to force myself to try to be in love with it forever. I’m going to fill out this form and submit it,”

“Hey, before you do that, we’re supposed to meet up with Zack and Rian tonight at the bar. Do you still want to go, or do you want to stay here and relax? I can tell you’ve had a bit of a rough day,” Jack pointed out, grabbing his phone from his pocket.

“Damn, I totally forgot about that. I mean, I want to go, but I also don’t. I feel bad bailing, but you go have fun,” Alex replied, a sad smile on his face from the thought of being alone with his thoughts again.

“No dude, if you’re staying here, I am, too. I don’t think you should be, or want to be, alone right now, so I’m staying here with you,”

“Jack, you should go if you want to; just because I’m going through it right now doesn’t mean that you should have to give up your night,”

“I’m not giving up anything, I’m staying here with you, dude. Fill out your form, I’m going to let Rian know that we won’t make it,”

Alex sighed, then went to fill out his form. Jack let Rian know that the two of them wouldn’t be at the bar, saying that Alex was feeling sick. Rian quickly texted back wishing Alex well, then Jack put his phone away and looked up at Alex, who was staring at his computer screen with his hand on the mouse.

“Did you submit the form?” Jack asked, getting up and walking over to Alex’s desk.

“I’m scared, dude. I mean, I’m okay with not knowing what I’m doing for a bit, I’m not afraid of that, but I’m nervous to submit it, because it really finalizes everything,” Alex replied, a nervous look on his face.

“Well, are you totally sure that you want to withdraw? Like, you think leaving will be more beneficial to you in the long run than staying, right?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I can keep doing this program, and be mentally well, and physically healthy,”

“Okay, and you don’t love it the way you hoped you would, right?” Jack continued.

“Yep, I don’t hate my program, I just don’t want to finish it, I don’t want to do this career anymore,” Alex stated, taking a deep breath.

“It sounds like you’re ready to finalize it then, man. Everything you’ve said, just now and since I got here, are all great reasons to go through with your decision. You’ll figure out your next steps, and I’ll help you in every way that I can, but I think you know that withdrawing is the best thing you can do for yourself now,” Jack said, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder.

“You’re right, I guess I’m doing this,” Alex said, finally clicking the ‘submit’ button on the bottom of the form.

“You did it!”

“Damn, I guess I did. How does it feel to be best friends with a dropout?” Alex joked, making them both laugh.

“Hey now, you’re not a ‘dropout’, you have a high school diploma and a bachelor’s degree, and you graduated towards the top of your class in high school and college,” Jack reminded, still laughing at what Alex had said.

“True, but it just sounds funny. Hey, can we make some food and watch a movie or something? I want to do something relaxing, after the shitty day I’ve had,”

Alex stood up and led Jack over to his bedroom door, so they could walk out.

“Sure, you can even pick what we make and watch!”

“Wow, such a gentleman,” Alex said, laughing as they walked out to the kitchen.

Alex was a bit nervous about his next steps, he never thought that he’d deviate from the path that he’d chosen at seventeen years old, but he also knew that everything would be okay. He had the support of his best friend, and he knew that he’d figure it all out eventually. While everything was uncertain, he knew that he’d be okay.

A/N: Hey guys, it's been a minute since I've posted on here, and that is due to what is in this fic. I started grad school back in August, and have decided to not continue it. This fic is entirely based on my life and multiple conversations that I had with friends and family about this. Sorry if it seems dramatic, I honestly wanted to make it as close to my own experience as possible, it was extremely therapeutic to write. Now that I'm no longer in school, I plan on writing and posting more, and already have a few more fics in the works to be posted soon. That being said, please send in requests if you have them, I'm really excited to get back into writing and fall back in love with it during this weird time in my life. Thank you for reading and for the support, I'm incredibly happy to be back. -Liv

#all time low #Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Rian Dawson #Zack Merrick #Jalex

[atlfics]

LUBA Chapter 18!

Hey guys, I just posted chapter 18 of “Let’s Be Us Again”, and you can read it here! Sorry for the mini hiatus, school has been a lot, but I plan on posting more consistently from now on! -Liv

#lets be us again

[atlfics]

Finally Finding You- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex lives in a world where everybody has a predestined soulmate. 5938 words. Soulmates AU. 

This is my entry for Kalina's Summer 2022 Fanfiction Contest!

More notes at the end. 

“Alex, hey, are you here?” Rian called as he walked into Alex’s apartment, shutting the door behind himself.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Alex grumbled, grabbing a pillow and shoving it into his face as he groaned.

After removing the pillow, Alex sat up some in his bed, trying to look the least bit presentable, even if it was just Rian.

“Alex, hello?” Rian tried, making Alex roll his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m in my room,” Alex finally replied, annoyed that he’d have to talk to someone in just a moment.

Alex heard footsteps come up the hallway, and seconds later, Rian was in front of Alex’s bedroom doorway, looking in at him. As soon as he got a glance at Alex, Rian’s face fell, his normal smile replaced by a concerned frown. Rian cautiously stepped into Alex’s room, grabbing Alex’s desk chair and dragging it over to Alex’s bedside and sitting down in it.

“What’s up, Rian?” Alex asked, trying his hardest to not sound annoyed at Rian stopping by unannounced.

“Well, you’ve called in sick to work the last few days, but you’ve not called me over here to take care of you, which is really weird for you, so I’m thinking you’ve been staying home for another reason,” Rian explained, sounding serious.

For a split second, Alex tried not to roll his eyes, but he quickly gave up and rolled them back; it wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Rian’s concern, but he didn’t want to be pitied right now, he felt bad enough already.

“Oh, um, I thought I’d deal with it solo this time, I really haven’t been feeling well,” Alex tried, adding a fake cough to strengthen his case.

“Alex, dude, cut the bullshit, we both know you’re not actually sick,”

“Okay, fine, maybe I’m not, what does it matter?”

“It matters because you’re my best friend and I care about you, I could tell last week at work that you were starting to get depressed again; you were withdrawing some, you hardly talked to me or anyone else when we had downtime. Now, you’re at that phase where it’s really bad because you didn’t tell anyone how you were feeling, and instead of doing something that could help you, you’re isolating in your room, not talking with anyone, and wallowing away in your feelings,”

Alex wanted to be annoyed, he wanted to tell Rian off for prying into his personal problems, he wanted to tell Rian that how he felt was none of his business, but he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to be annoyed, he couldn’t help but feel grateful that someone actually cared.

“You would’ve made a great therapist, dude, it’s a shame you’re working at Starbucks when you could be changing lives,” Alex eventually replied, desperately trying to change the subject.

“That’s nice, but you trying to distract me with a compliment isn’t going to work, not this time. Seriously, Alex, what’s going on, man? Are you upset about the soulmate thing again?” Rian asked, cutting to the chase.

Alex sighed, it was such a stupid thing to be upset about, he knew that, but yet, he still was. For most of his life, he hadn’t given much thought to the idea of his soulmate, but within recent years, it had really started to eat away at him.

He hated this about himself, he’d always told himself that he’d find the person he was meant to be with forever when the time was right, but he was starting to grow impatient with having to wait; how much more of his life was going to pass him by until he finally found the person who was supposed to make him the happiest and give his life purpose?

“Okay, fine, yes, that’s what I’m upset about; you got me,” Alex surrendered, the annoyance in his voice matching up with yet another eye roll.

“Why are you so stressed about that, man? You’re only twenty-one, it’s not like you’re in your forties or fifties and still haven’t found your person; you have plenty of time,” Rian assured, a caring look on his face.

“That’s easy for you to say, you’ve had yours for a little over a year now,”

Rian was at a loss for words, Alex was right; it was easy for him to say that Alex was overreacting when he’d been in the same position not that long ago.

“Okay, fair point, I shouldn’t be trying to invalidate you, this is a reasonable thing to be upset about. With that in mind, you being upset and wallowing away in your room isn’t going to speed up the process of you finding them; you have to get out there and make an effort,”

“It’s hard to want to do anything with the system being the way that it is,”

Alex had a point, the soulmate system caused many people a great deal of frustration. Everyone in the world had a soulmate, a perfect match, but no one had any way of knowing who theirs was. It was said that when you saw your soulmate, you would immediately know it was them, you’d see them in a way that you’d never seen anyone else before.

Alex had been wanting to find his soulmate for years now, but he didn’t even know where to look. He knew that it was really up to fate, that he just had to trust the process, but he hated how ambiguous it was. The way one found their soulmate was by going out and hoping you’d run into your person, but Alex found this to be quite challenging. Alex’s frustration at the process almost always led to a depression that made going out feel impossible; Alex was well aware that he wasn’t doing himself any favors by sitting in his room and letting the sadness win, but he couldn’t help it, it was too powerful.

“I know, I felt the same way before I finally found Zack,” Rian offered, making Alex scoff.

“Yeah, right, you didn’t have it as hard, dude,” Alex bitterly replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What makes you say that? We both know that the soulmate process blows, we both know that it was really hard for me for a long time,”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t hard for you, but you didn’t have to do it alone. Like, you still lived here with me, we would have heart to hearts at least once a week, you always said that you felt like finding your soulmate was hopeless, and that you’d never find them. I’d assure you that someday, you’d find them and be so happy. You’d always thank me, you said that if you were to find yours before I found mine, that you’d be there for me when I need it, you’d give me the same assurances I’d given you. Ever since you moved out, this whole thing has been so much harder on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you have Zack, I’m glad you found your happiness, that you got your color back the moment you two looked into each other’s eyes for the first time, but I miss you being here, I miss having you to lean on whenever I need you,” Alex confessed, his voice fading in and out as he began to tear up some.  

Alex felt ridiculous for getting so worked up over this, but he couldn’t help it; Rian moving out had shown him how much he’d actually been struggling. He tried to take deep breaths, desperately wanting to maintain as much of his composure as he could, but a few tears still managed to run down his cheeks.

Feeling embarrassed, Alex looked down at his lap. Using a balled up sweatshirt sleeve, Alex quickly wiped them away, praying that new ones wouldn’t continue to form. Rian got up from his seat and sat next to Alex on the bed, he put a supportive hand to Alex’s back and rubbed it until Alex seemed like he was ready to talk.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to have an outburst like that,” Alex eventually said once he had himself under control again.

“No, don’t apologize, I understand where you’re coming from; it’s probably shitty to have all of the crazy thoughts and feelings that come with the soulmate process without someone to lean on whenever you need it. You could stay at my place for a bit, I’m sure Zack wouldn’t mind,” Rian offered, making a small smile appear on Alex’s face.

“I appreciate that, I really do, but no, I couldn’t do that. I think we both know that I’m going to feel this way until I find my person, and who knows how long that’ll take, y’know? Plus, with the attitude I’ve had about everything lately, I can promise you that you two would get so sick of me so fast,”

Rian gave Alex a sad smile, he knew that Alex was probably right, that staying at his place wouldn’t really fix the problem, it would just put a temporary bandaid over it for a little while.

“I see where you’re coming from, I guess it wouldn’t really fix the real problem at hand, would it? Since that won’t really work, what can I do to help you feel better about everything? Obviously, I know that actually finding your soulmate would solve everything, but in the meantime, what can I do? I don’t want you to keep missing work, and I really hate seeing you so sad and upset, man,”

Alex sighed, trying to think of how to answer Rian’s question. If he was honest, there really wasn’t much that Rian could do, finding his soulmate really was the only solution that Alex needed.

“Honest answer? I don’t even know, dude. I just want to get this process over with, I want to see in color again, and I want to be happy. Actually, even that might not be the answer, y’know, actually meeting my soulmate, what if we don’t gel well together? What if I’m this excited for nothing? I dated some in high school, we both know that that didn’t work out very well,” Alex continued, a dry laugh escaping him.

Rian wanted to roll his eyes, this was a conversation that he’d had with Alex many times before, especially before he’d moved out. He was more than happy to assure Alex as much as he needed, but it did surprise him that after all these years, Alex still desperately needed to be told what Rian was going to tell him.

“Alex, I honestly think that finding your soulmate will be the ultimate solution like you’re expecting it to be, it definitely was for me. As far as you dating in high school, of course that didn’t go well, those people weren’t your soulmate, I think you and everyone who you entered into a relationship with knew that what you had wasn’t forever, it was temporary. Those relationships are still a great thing, though, they gave you practice in being with someone, with having a partner who you care about. Remember the lessons you learned from those situations, and use them when you do finally find your person. I promise, it’ll all be worth the wait,” Rian assured, putting a supportive hand on Alex’s back.

“I hope so, dude. Don’t worry, I’ll be at work the next time we’re supposed to work together, I won’t call in again, I kind of just needed some time to chill and get my head together,”

“I understand, just don’t make a habit of that, man. Seriously, everything will fall into place when it’s the right time,”

“I hope so. Sorry if this is weird, but I wish we could’ve been soulmates. Like, I don’t know that I like you like that, but it wouldn’t have been so fucking draining on both of us,” Alex continued, as Rian stood up from the bed.

“Yeah, but it would’ve been too easy. You’re my best friend and I love you, but we’re not soulmates. Sorry to sound harsh, that’s not my intention, but when you do finally find your person, it’ll have been so worth the wait. I have to get going, I promised Zack I’d meet him somewhere, but you can always call or text if you need anything. Also, try to not stay hidden away in here for the rest of the night, you’re not going to feel better if you do, and you’re certainly not going to find your person in here. Get out, live a little! You never know when or where you’ll find your person,” Rian encouraged, making Alex laugh as he rolled his eyes again.

“We’ll see, sitting and sulking was kind of on my agenda for the night,”

“I can’t tell you what to do, but I really do think that you should get out of this apartment and do something fun, even if it’s just eating at your favorite restaurant, literally anything would be better than this, don’t you agree?”

“Maybe you have a point. We’ll see what the night brings,”

“You know what, that’s a good enough answer for me. Like I said, call or text if you need anything, I’ll see you around, man,” Rian said, waving as he walked out of Alex’s bedroom.

“See you later!” Alex shouted in reply when Rian was out of sight.

Seconds later, Alex heard his front door slam shut and sighed, the conversation he’d had with Rian had helped him some, but he still had an empty feeling that felt like nothing could fill it; well, nothing aside from finally finding his soulmate. Alex knew that Rian was right, staying at home and sulking in his apartment wasn’t going to fix anything, and it certainly wouldn’t help him find his soulmate any sooner, so he decided that going out, even for a little bit, would be a step in the right direction.

He took a look at his clock, it was already a little after seven in the evening, so grabbing dinner somewhere sounded the most appealing. Alex had spent the past couple days in comfy sweats, not feeling concerned with his appearance, but he decided that he’d step it up a bit for going out, he certainly wanted to look a bit more presentable, but he also knew that putting a little bit of effort in would help him to feel better.

After forcing himself to get out of bed, Alex quickly changed into a decent outfit and grabbed everything he’d need to go out. He went out to his car, immediately knowing where he was going to go; he was going to treat himself to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. It was nothing fancy, it was an old diner that had been around forever, they had the best burgers and shakes in town, and it always brightened his mood when he went. After turning on his car, Alex connected his phone to the BlueTooth, then put on his favorite Blink-182 song to lift his spirits even more.

He sang along as he drove out of the apartment complex’s parking lot, and started on the way to the restaurant. As he drove, he thought about the soulmate process again, he’d do anything to get some kind of clue as to who his was so he’d at least know where to start looking. He truly wasn’t sure how he’d ever find his, the concept just seemed way too far fetched and unrealistic, but he still wanted it to work out for him.

“Okay, enough thinking about this shit, dwelling on it is just going to make me feel crazier than I already do,” Alex muttered to himself, shaking his head to get the thoughts out.

Alex turned his radio up louder and sang along to the music, desperate to rid himself of the soulmate thoughts, knowing that they were both unproductive and even a bit unhealthy. Eventually, he arrived at the diner, happy to see that there were hardly any cars in the parking lot; he’d practically have the place to himself.

He got out of his car and walked inside, seating himself in a booth by the window, the same one he always sat in. Almost immediately, a waitress named Maggie walked over to Alex’s table, she was an older lady who had worked at the diner for almost all of her adult life; she was almost always Alex’s waitress, and her face lit up with a smile when she got to Alex’s table.

“Alex, I haven’t seen you in a bit! How’re you doing tonight?” Maggie asked, sounding excited as she pulled out a pen and notepad.

“Hey, Maggie, I’m okay; could be better, could be worse, y’know? How have you been?” Alex asked, his first genuine smile in days appearing on his face.

For the past few days, Alex had been wallowing away in his room, feeling as if no one cared about him, so seeing Maggie and knowing that she actually cared meant a great deal to him.

“I’m good, even better now that you’ve stopped in! Do you want to start out with something to drink, or do you want to order dinner now, too?”

“I think I’ll go ahead and order everything, we both know that I already know what I want. Let’s see, can I get a double hamburger with pickles and ketchup, cheese fries, and a cookies and cream milkshake? Oh, and a glass of water, too?” Alex requested as Maggie wrote everything down on her notepad.

“You sure can, Alex! I’ll put your food in, and bring out that glass of water in just a moment,” Maggie replied, smiling one last time before turning away to go to the kitchen.

While he waited, Alex skimmed the menu, trying to see if anything had changed since the last time he’d come in. To his surprise, there were a couple new things on the menu, but he was happy with what he’d ordered, it was his tried and true, and he needed it as a pick me up right now. After just a couple minutes, Maggie walked back over, holding two glasses in her hands.

“Okay, here’s that glass of water, and the milkshake. Your food should be out in about fifteen minutes, let me know if you need anything else,” Maggie said, setting the glasses down in front of Alex.

“Will do, thanks, Maggie,” Alex replied, sticking straws in both glasses.

He took a sip of his milkshake, smiling at how good it was. Not knowing what else to do, Alex took out his phone and went to Instagram, deciding that some mindless scrolling would be a good way to fill the time. The third post he saw made his stomach turn some; it was a picture of Rian and Zack that Zack had posted a bit earlier. The caption was long and cheesy, detailing how much he loved Rian and how happy he was that they were soulmates. Alex rolled his eyes, but immediately felt bad for doing so.

It wasn’t that he was upset that Rian had found his soulmate, he couldn’t be happier for his best friend, but it sucked that Rian was so happy and content, while Alex was struggling to get out of bed most days due to the soul crushing depression he felt over not having found his person yet.

Alex turned his phone back off and set it on the table, before putting his head into his hands. How had Rian found his person already, how could he be off living his life to the fullest, while Alex was stuck wondering if his soulmate would ever turn up? Alex knew that he had a lot of positives in his life, that he didn’t need a soulmate to be happy, but having one sure as hell would make things easier.

If Alex had his soulmate, he could go on double dates with Rian and Zack; it was no secret that ever since Rian had found Zack, he’d had a lot less free time to spend with Alex. Sure, they saw each other at work, but outside of that, Rian had a lot of commitments with Zack and both of their families, so Alex getting to actually hang out with Rian was quite rare. Alex continued to stay in his head, letting his thoughts spiral like they had been for the past couple days, until he eventually felt a tap on his shoulder.

After taking a quick deep breath, he looked up to see Maggie, holding his dinner in her hands.

“Alex, I have your dinner,” Maggie said, gently setting the plate down on the table.

“Oh, thanks, sorry I wasn’t paying attention,” Alex replied, trying to quickly regain his composure.

“Alex, is something troubling you?”

“I guess, it’s just the soulmate stuff, it bothers me sometimes, but I’m okay,”

Maggie took a closer look at Alex, then sat down across from Alex, a concerned look appearing on her face.

“What’s on your mind about soulmates, Alex?” Maggie questioned, as Alex awkwardly shifted around in his seat.

“Maggie, I’ll be okay, it’s all stupid. Besides, you have customers to feed, I’ll be fine,” Alex said, not even believing himself.

“Alex, can I give you a small piece of advice? I know we don’t know each other well, I’m just your waitress, but would you mind if I said something that might help?”

“Sure, I guess, I need all the help I can get,” Alex said, a bitter laugh escaping him.

“Don’t stress so much over the soulmate process, it’s not worth it. You have very little control over it, but the one thing you do have power over is how you let it impact you. I understand it’s frustrating not having yours, especially if your friends are starting to find theirs, but you’ll find yours when the time is right, I promise,”

“See, logically, I know that’s all true, but I still let it bother me,”

“I did the same when I was younger. All of my friends found theirs before I found mine, and it was hard. I was happy for them, but also jealous that I didn’t have what they did. Eventually, I did find mine and it made me incredibly happy, but looking back, I wish that I would’ve been a little more patient and a little less uptight about it all. You’re young, enjoy your youth, and just trust the process,” Maggie explained, as Alex took a deep breath.

“That’s a really good way to look at it, thank you, Maggie. Like I said, I’ll be okay, it’s just gotten to me more than usual these past few days,” Alex replied, blushing a bit; it felt weird being this vulnerable with someone who was almost a stranger.

“That’ll happen, but you’ll get through those days, and one day, you’ll no longer have them. Just take it all a day at a time, Alex. I’m going to leave you alone so that you can eat your dinner, but if you need anything else, just holler,” Maggie continued, getting up from the booth.

“I will, thank you again, Maggie, I appreciate it,” Alex said, exchanging another smile with Maggie before she walked away.

Alex started to attempt at eating his food, but found it hard to do. It wasn’t that it tasted bad, but he still felt a bit worked up over his thoughts, and it was messing with his appetite. As he tried to eat, a few people came into the diner, so Alex started to do one of his favorite things, people watch. He watched them sit down at their tables, then look at the menu, and be greeted by their servers. For as long as he remembered, Alex had always enjoyed people watching, he felt a bit creepy for enjoying as much as he did, but it gave him something to do, and it gave him something to focus on that wasn’t the thoughts in his mind. Slowly but surely, he started to get out of his head some, which made eating his dinner feel a bit easier.

As he finally started eating, the door to the diner opened again, and a guy who looked to be around Alex’s age walked in. He looked a bit lost and confused, but he sat down in a booth on the other side of the diner from Alex. After setting his burger down on his plate, Alex looked up so he could look at this new customer, and when he did finally look over to him, his jaw practically dropped. Everything about this person looked normal, except for the slight glow that covered him, the same glow that Rian had described to Alex when he’d talked about seeing Zack for the first time.

Alex didn’t know what to do; was the best course of action just going up to the guy’s booth, sitting across from him and rambling about how they had to be soulmates, or would it be best for him to stay put, and wait for this person to look up at Alex, and notice the same thing? Before doing anything, Alex had to be sure that what he was seeing was correct, so Alex grabbed his phone again, and went to his text thread with Rian.

Alex: Rian, I have a super important question that I need answered right now.

Rian: What is it, Alex? Are you okay?

Alex: When you saw Zack for the first time, what did the glow on him look like? Like, the one that made you realize he was your soulmate?

Rian took a bit longer than usual to reply, making Alex feel nervous; what if Rian wasn’t going to answer? What if he took a while to elaborate on his thoughts, and by the time that he finally replied, the guy on the other side of the diner was gone? Alex felt all these thoughts swim around his brain, until his phone finally vibrated again a few minutes later.

Rian: It’s a bit hard to describe, especially over text, so bare with me. I saw this glow on him, like you brought up, and when I saw him, I just knew that he was the one. He looked absolutely perfect, like, I’ve never felt so attracted to someone. Also, when I saw him, I felt like I’d finally come home, that’s the part that’s hard to describe over text. Like, I saw him, and felt comfortable and safe and like nothing bad could ever happen again as long as I had him with me. Does that help? Also, what makes you ask, do you think you found your soulmate???

Alex looked up at the guy again, thinking about what Rian had said; everything checked out. He certainly had the glow that Alex knew was a hallmark of discovering your soulmate for the first time, and he looked perfect to Alex. Sure, he looked a bit confused and disheveled, likely because he was new to this part of town, but he still somehow looked absolutely perfect in Alex’s eyes. He also gave Alex that sense of ‘home’ that Rian had described; Alex had never seen his person in his entire life and didn’t even know his name, but just looking at him made him feel like he could share his deepest, darkest secrets, his passions, his insecurities, his wins, his losses, everything.

Before getting up to talk to the guy, Alex sent one last quick text to Rian.

Alex: I’ll explain later, thanks for the feedback, man.

Alex shoved his phone into his pocket as he got up, taking deep breaths as he started to feel anxiety pool in his stomach. He was mostly nervous because he didn’t want to be wrong, not only did he not want to embarrass himself in front of a total stranger, but this would really make his confidence take quite the hit; looking more and putting himself out there again in the future would be insanely hard, if not impossible.

Alex slowly walked over to the other side of the diner, forcing his legs to carry him forward, thinking of all the different worst case scenarios that could play out in a matter of seconds. Once he finally reached the guy’s booth, he sat across from him and cleared his throat, making the guy look up from his phone in confusion.

“Can I help you?” He asked; he didn’t sound angry or frustrated that Alex had joined him, just confused.

“Hi, this is going to sound really insane, so I’m sorry in advance. Um, I was sitting on the other side of the diner, eating my burger, and um, I saw you walk in, and you looked- wait, I can say that better, you-“

“Hey, wait, are you my, um, you have this glow to you that I’ve always heard is associated with-“

“Soulmates,” Alex finished, still forcing himself to take deep breaths, he was on the verge of an anxiety attack, and that would not be the best first impression.

The two of them silently stared at each other for a few minutes, wanting to give the other space, and also wanting to take each other in. Alex noticed that the glow on the stranger across from him started looking more intense, the lights in the restaurant could go out, and it wouldn’t even matter because of the light illuminating from the man on the other side of the table.

Finally, Alex cleared his throat, breaking both of them from their trances.

“What I was saying, I saw you across the room, and you had this glow, the one I’ve always heard that your soulmate has when you first see them. I’m sorry if this is, like, really awkward, but I had to see if it was mutual,” Alex finally explained, his anxiety slowly starting to come down.

“I’m glad you did, you have that same glow, and I hadn’t noticed you when I walked in. Does this mean that we’re, um,”

“I think it does. Wait, I haven’t even introduced myself, I’m sorry, my name is Alex,” Alex stated, holding out his hand for a handshake.

“I’m Jack,” Jack replied, shaking Alex’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Jack. Um, I’m not sure what we do now, I’ve never done this before, but I guess that’s pretty obvious, since everyone just gets one soulmate,” Alex said, awkwardly laughing some.

“It’s okay, I’m at a bit of a loss, too. I guess we can start by telling each other about ourselves some, I can go first. I’m twenty-four years old, I’m originally from Lebanon, but I moved to the states as a young kid, I have two older siblings, a brother and a sister, and I’m a huge Ravens fan,” Jack listed, making Alex smile some.

“You’re from out of the country? Me too! I’m from England originally, but moved here super young. I’m twenty-five, and I don’t have only full siblings, just half siblings on my dad’s side. I’m also a huge Ravens fan, I used to have season tickets for a while,” Alex replied, excitement starting to take a hold of him.

For the next couple hours, the two of them sat in that booth, walking each other through their lives up until this point, not leaving out any details, no matter how minor. Even though it was getting later and later, Alex felt his energy rise throughout the night, intrigued by Jack’s life story, and very eager to tell his own.

Eventually, their conversation hit a bit of a pause, both boys running out of things to say. Not much later, Alex thought of something, and cleared his throat to get Jack to look up at him again.

“Um, it’s actually really cool that we found each other tonight, of all nights. I’ve been a bit depressed lately, my best friend since childhood found his soulmate a couple years ago, and I’m happy for him, but he moved out of the place we shared, and he doesn’t have as much free time to hang out, since he’s usually with his soulmate. We work together so we see each other there, but hanging out and working are not the same thing. I actually called out of work the past few days, I told my boss that I was sick, but I was really just down about the soulmate thing, thinking I’d never find mine, and letting it make me feel sad and depressed. I didn’t even want to come to this restaurant tonight, but Rian, my friend, told me to do something and not just wallow in my depression, now I’m so glad I took his advice, I wouldn’t have found you if I hadn’t,” Alex explained, making them both smile and blush.

“It’s crazy you say that, I’ve been kind of down about the soulmate thing lately, too. I wouldn’t say I was super depressed about it like you described, but I have friends who’ve found their person, and I just felt left out. Regardless, we never have to experience those shitty emotions alone ever again, from now on, we have each other,” Jack replied, reaching across the table, and grabbing Alex’s hand with his own.

Jack used his thumb to stroke the back of Alex’s hand, and this made a warm feeling pour into Alex’s stomach, he figured that this must be what butterflies felt like.

“That’s so true, now we’ll always have each other,” Alex replied, doing his best to stifle a yawn.

“Hey, are you getting tired?”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to leave and have this night end, I want it to keep going,” Alex replied, blinking a few times in an attempt to wake himself up.

“Who said it had to end when we leave? We could both go back to one of our places for the night, if you’d be into that,” Jack suggested, making Alex smile even more.

“I’d love that, do you want to come to my place?” Alex offered.

“That sounds perfect to me. I’m ready to go if you are,” Jack said, starting to get up.

“Let’s do that!”

The two of them went to the register at the front of the restaurant and paid their tabs, then walked outside to the parking lot.

“I just texted you my address, it isn’t too far from here, but if you get lost, just give me a call,” Alex said, grabbing his keys from his pocket.

“Will do, I’ll see you in a few, Alex,” Jack replied, giving Alex the quickest peck ever, but it was still enough to make him smile like an idiot.

Without saying anything in fear of making a fool out of himself from the giddiness, Alex got into his car, and turned it on. Before he had the chance to drive out of the parking lot, he felt his phone vibrate, so he fished it out of his pocket to see another text from Rian.

Rian: So, over two hours ago, you ask me this insanely important question about soulmates, then drop off the face of the Earth for a bit? What’s going on?

Alex: I’ll tell you in detail tomorrow, but for now, thank you for encouraging me to go out tonight, it was very well worth it.

Alex hit send, then started to drive back to his place. He looked up at the stars in the sky, truly admiring their beauty for the first time in his life.

A/N: Hey guys! Like I said in my other author's note, this is my entry for Kalina's Fanfiction contest! Also, sorry for accidentally taking a hiatus from posting, school has been insanely busy, and I just moved in with my boyfriend, so life has been a bit hectic lately! I'm hoping to post more again in the near future. As always, feel free to send in ideas/requests if you have them! -Liv

#Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Rian Dawson #Zack Merrick #all time low #ATL #soulmates