autumnunchained

[autumnunchained]

I am guilty of putting myself through way too much.

I am constantly walking the tight rope known as PTSD.

Yesterday I hung out at my ex husband's house thoroughly avoiding my roommate's rampage about me almost (not really) burning down the house.

I know better.

I know being around him fucks up my head and I usually go home to have a crap ton of nightmares.

The other roommate asked me to make him and his girl's steaks....and I have never in my life made a steak, but there I was in the kitchen trying anyway.

I actually didn't fuck it up though.

This morning I got up and wrote a poem for my love to read before he headed off to work.

I miss him, but I really need him to fix things with his mom.

I am 31 years old and way too old to be sneaking in and out of his house. His mom is friends with every cop in town and I am not trying to go back to jail.

I bet I haven't mentioned that yet.

Yeah I have now been to jail three times.

One time it was over a suicide attempt, but that's a story for another time.

#missing him #living with ptsd #domesticviolencesurvivor #stressed #overwhelmed

[autumnunchained]

"Good Fuck"

Sitting at the light at 14th and Ingalls I force myself not to go straight

I miss you so much it hurts and you tell me to lean on fate

Remembering all the nights I was scared to sleep

Staring at your face in the darkness scare for the day you are gonna leave

As I lay in your lap while the blunt hits your lips

Getting a contact high and praying this isn't a day for me to have a bad trip

Every night, sitting on your bed I wait for the clock to strike 9

Because when you make love to me is the only time where it feels like you are mine

It's crazy how I can sense you every second of everyday

But every time we have a few good times you run away

No memory of you asking me to be your wife

Caused the worst pain I have ever felt in my life

Right on que, your boy shows back up wrecking your life, stealing your attention

While I am standing there, heart in my hands, starved for affection

I hold my breath as I leave your house and climb into your truck

I stare at your tired face as you drive and wonder if I was just a good fuck

#poetry #heartbreak #living with ptsd #miss you #love you to death

[autumnunchained]

What that cunt needs to worry about before anything else is the big ass rat that is living in my fucking wall

-Autumn Unchained

#worry #rodents #stressed #frustration #meth addict

[autumnunchained]

So, she has video footage of me praying

So fucking what.

If you knew me you would know that I was an atheist for years.

I was previously married to an atheist.

Then, my mom died and I couldn't walk around thinking she was just gone.

There had to be a heaven.

Was she a saint? Hell no. She watched me being raped and shut the door behind me.

Then she blamed me. But she was raped by her dad and no one cared.

So, I consider myself spiritual and and I was going to look at a house, so I prayed because I am so fucking close to have everything I ever wanted.

My male roommate is going to move in and rent a room from me.

Me and Matt will finally have a place together, but if things aren't going well he can just go back to his house.

My son will finally have a room.

I will finally feel safe and I can finally hang my art up.

#living with ptsd #praying #dumb shit #meth addict

[autumnunchained]

Well, it only took a month or so to be someone you used to know You didn't really have to go, but you did

-Kane Brown

#heartbreak #whiskey sour #lyrics #kane brown

[autumnunchained]

Dark Angel A.K.A Batman

So, then there's the man I love. His name is Matt.

Matt was born in the 80s when doing drugs even in plan view of an audience was normal.

So, for a short time he got into it. Now he's not. Thank god.

He calls me short fuse and he loves batman.

My son is obsessed with him and talks about him all the time.

My ex husband hates him of course, which is a nice bonus.

He doesn't make a lot of money, but he works so hard and I'm proud I am his.

He is the sexiest man I have ever seen and I find new reasons to love him everyday.

We have known each other 10 years and I used to be his boss.

We started dating after I threw my husband out. I just went to his house to talk and have a drink then I kinda just never left.

I was dumb and I didn't treat him right the first go around.

I ended up doing something really dumb and I got arrested.

He picked me up when I got out, but he wasn't happy with me.

So, I decided I was going to get my life together and get a job and shit.

So, I drank a little during the day and applied for jobs. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up to a deputy I used to work with standing in front of me.

I immediately thought ah shit I am fucking hallucinating AGAIN. But I wasn't.

She told me she had to take me. Check mate.

My ex had managed to get me committed in an effort to prove that I am crazy and he never did anything I said he did.

Cool you won this round, but you forgot one little thing.

I was a dispatcher you dumb bitch. Did he forget the hundreds of time I have heard the questions you ask during a welfare check on a mental patient.

They are simple questions that I can answer in my sleep.

What's funny is I hate my city police department so fucking much that when they see me I public and I am in a bad mood. I will just start answering the questions without them asking.

So, I ended up having covid and I am in this dumb ass area of this hospital where they put crazy people. That means I never even made it to the floor with everyone else.

I am in a room by myself. The room reminded of jail with a tv. I hated it.

The hilarious part is I was wearing my bf's shirt that said Davey's Suicide.

Matt thought they were going to ship me up state and he couldn't deal with that, so he broke up with me.

Now we are back together and his mom hates me. So, I can't go in his house without her popping up and threatening to have me arrested for trespassing.

And because I live with a meth addict he rarely wants to come here, but he did last night.

We fought a little, but once that was over we had a great night and he made love to me for hours.

The reason for the fight was his birthday was a few days ago.

I figured his mom wanted to spend time with him on his birthday, so two days before I paid for a hotel room, bottle, weed and dinner.

I am wearing my moms ring on my right hand. He got drunk and high pulled it off my finger and put it on the left.

He told me he wanted to spend his life with my crazy ass.

I told him yes, but I wanted to be on good terms with his mom before we did that.

So, we were engaged for one day and then boom he broke up with me and doesn't remember proposing. Of fucking course.

We are a lot alike in some ways. I always describe him is reminding me of the best parts of my favorite people.

I grew not really being loved. I thought I loved my ex husband. Then, my son was born and I realized I had no clue what love was.

Then, that first night with Matt I realized that I really did know what love was or actual passion.

I found it finally and I never wanted it to end.

But him like me has had so many bad experiences with love and women.

And just like me he scared to be loved. So, every time I get him close enough to thinking about marriage.

He runs. Just like me.

#relationship #dark angel #batman #soulmate #true love

[autumnunchained]

Drug Fueled Adventures.....With Friends

She also brings random home after her little adventures, so I am constantly worried that my shit is going to get stolen.

The latest one she brought home was named Erica. Erica had a fight with this stupid guy she is with and came here with some stuff.

So, my roommate went to Pensacola to pick this girl up and bring her here. She tried to get to go, but getting in the car with her is like being kidnapped.

The girl gets here at like 4 am and leaves shortly after to go see someone. My roommate lost her mind and threw this girl's bags out.

Erica's brother just happens to be a cop. Here I am trying to enjoy my whiskey and now the cop is at the door. I am like fuck this I am staying in my room.

So, I start thinking of a creative place I can stash my weed and nothing comes to mind. Because it was a lot of weed.

The cop wants her to open the door and she won't. Which wasn't exactly smart, but kinda was.

She is so dumb about laws that it makes me furious and annoyed.

I used to be a 911 Dispatcher for the county that I live in. County dispatchers are different than city dispatchers because we have to know a lot more.

Like, so someone calls the city police department and is confused about a law or doesn't understand a policy. 9 times out of 10 the city dispatcher doesn't know.

So, what do they do? They have this awesome computer in front of them just like I did and six screens.

Maybe try a google search? Wrong. They tell them to call the county.

So, now the caller is mad and it is my problem. Thanks for nothing.

I don't even do that job anymore and every single day I am having to explain laws to a person who is constantly telling me that she might end up in the jail after she leaves the house.

I even have my jail instructions.

#meth addict #adventure #911 dispatcher #annoyed #living with ptsd

[autumnunchained]

I feel like I am part of some fucked up ass reality show

So my roommate is addicted to meth.

I was blessed enough to never even try hard drugs.

She has security cameras all over the house. So, when she leaves the house me and the guy living here are comfortable enough to leave our room and chill.

So, when she gets from whatever drug fueled adventure she went on she watches everything we did.

The guy is in a relationship, so his girl comes over. I even threw them a date night where they danced in the kitchen it was sweet.

So, this girl has literal footage of me doing crazy shit too. Everything from getting drunk and cleaning the whole house to saging the house and property.

So, after leaving a fucked up marriage where I was recorded, tracked and monitored constantly I am now being recorded constantly.

Fucked up huh?

#meth addict #drug abuse #fucked up #going crazy #living with ptsd

[autumnunchained]

Your Lies

My last breath you stole

Then acted surprised the night I let the damage take control

Way before I took the right I thought I would never see the day we weren't together

When I too fast down the aisle I was rushing towards my forever

I pushed mom away, she didn't approve

Nothing was going to keep me from saying I do

I panicked when I was expecting, but never said a thing

Then the second I held me for the first time I knew he was my sunshine and I was terrified you leave me with rain

You didn't have to take him, but you did

Then you drug me back into court every time I hid

You sat in front of that judge like you never did a thing

When you abused me and cut me down till I looked at the floor board and threw that ring

Now here you stand with tears in your eyes

But will you ever admit to your lies??????

#domesticviolencesurvivor #survivor #anger vent #ptsd recovery #divorce