awfullyhonestme

[awfullyhonestme]

December 23rd 2017

OMG its been over a year since I updated you all! I'm pretty sure that none of you even follow my page anymore seeing as I never update anymore but for a while there I had started to get a pretty good following which was actually pretty cool. 

well I guess ill start on the most relevant part to this blog, SYDNEY IS A FUCKING CUNT :) but we all knew that already :) :) :)

we had reconnected and had been struggling to stay friends for the last year, I do have to give her credit for being around when Nic and I broke up for good (ill explain later ugh) but that was mostly because I was being annoying and needy honestly. so basically when syd turned 21 she made me go out with her and renee (yea yikes,we really don't like each other but I played nice for syds sake) and she got too fucked up at a bar , fell, and smashed her head open like a fucking idiot. she blamed me saying that I should have been watching her, whatever she said she was going to order another fishbowl and ran out of one bar and hide from everyone???? we couldn't find her for longest time, I cant watch you if I cant find you???? anyways we started going out regularly after that and one Thursday in October we were celebrating me getting  new job at a new dental office and we got wayyyy tooo drunk and basically she ended up running through traffic and I had to tackle her to get her to stop and her bf did nothing to help, he let her run around like a fucking idiot where she could have been hit by a car. I guess people thought that we were fighting her and we are still wrestling on the ground when her bf says that some cops just pulled up so i jump up and try to make it look like we aren't drunk wresting on the sidewalk downtown. 

They start accusing me of putting syd in a headlock and when I denied it they said that 3 or 4 people had called them about me being aggressive and tackling her which is true but she was my best friend at the time and I was not going to let my belligerent friend run through traffic in heels and get killed. Anyway she starts arguing with the cops and her boyfriend is telling her to chill out but she keeps freaking out and the cops put her in cuffs and say that they are going to put her in detox and we can come get her when we are ready.

her boyfriend and I walk away back to his car because we don't want to escalate the situation at this point and that seemed to be all that was happening when we were there with her (she's already in the cop car at this point so its not like we could even talk to her). We get in his car which was a bad idea because we were both still super drunk and go to these apartment complexes kind of by detox and decided to sober up there. 

I don't remember exactly what happened but I remember feeling like he was getting a little to close to me so I got out of the car to call the guy I was talking to because tbh I wanted to get laid. The parking lot had this like 4 ft tall ledge and I was walking along it wearing heels and smoking a cigarette and idk how but I fell off it and got totally fucked up. ill post a picture of what my new looked like right after later. I couldn't get up at first so I just laid in the gravel and continued to smoke the cigarette that I somehow hadn't fucked up when I crash landed, Renee faced time me at this point because I knew she was in town and called her to see if she could go get syd (you have to be able to blow a 0 to get someone out of detox and I  knew there was no way I would be able to that for a couple of hours) turns out she was drunk too so she couldn't do it. 

I get back in the car to tell syds bf that she couldn't do it and he start freaking out because I'm getting blood everywhere and keeps saying that I fucked up my whole body really bad and he said even my back was all scraped up (I'm 5′1 so a 4 ft fall is a pretty big fall for me haha) drunk me was like “really???? are you serious???? take a picture I want to see!!” so I pull up the back of my shirt for him to take a picture of the cuts and he says “your bras in the way and I cant see all of it”

okay so drunk Therese did not put what was happening together. this is my online diary that no one knows about and I have no reason to lie to you. I genuinely did not think that this guy would try to do anything, he was my best friends boyfriend. I was about to move in with them at the end of this year and I thought that since we were going to be living together that we needed to be cool around each other and I've had guy friends that if they did something it wouldn't have been weird to me so I was trying to just go with it and tried to convince myself that I was overreacting. he took a couple pictures of my back and then he started rubbing it and after looking at the pictures it doesn't really look like my back was that messed up, I think that the red marks were from him rubbing his hands up and down my back a couple of times. ill post those too. then all of a sudden he says “we should stop, I'm felling tempted” ARE YOU SERIOUS?? you are a grown man and you cant handle seeing a back?????? are you the person that school dress codes are created for?????

I get out of the car to smoke again and he follows me, we start walking around the apartment complex, I figure that if we are moving there's no room for him to get tempted or whatever again. He starts telling me that syd isn't even his type and that they've had conversations about it. whatever I don't care. so we decide we may be sober enough to pick up syd, we  get there are I try to in but when I do the breathalyzer or whataver I'm still twice above what the legal limit was and they start asking me if I drove myself there and saying that If I did they were going to arrest me right there lol but I was like no I didn't fucking drive. I went back to the car and her bf was saying that we should just leave and come get her in the morning but I didn't want to leave her in there all night so I called my mom hahahaha so my mom came and got her out and drove us back to her and her bfs apartment (which is super gross btw) and my mom was telling me not to drive home until I sobered up but the lovey couple I was with decided to start an epic fight with each other so I tried to eat a ton on bread and then drive home which I know doesn't actually work but I was drunk so I was hopping it would this one time. I got in my car and was doing allright until I side swiped another car and like kept going which I felt really bad about (I went back the next day to see if I actuall cuased any damage and there was none so I don't feel bad any more.

so after sobering up and thinking about it like if it was even relevant to say anything to her about, they live together so what if I said something and they get into an argument and he kicks her out??, I just wanst sure what to do. Ive never been in this situation before and ive always just judged girls whos friend accused them of cheating with their boyfriends but now I was second guessing everything. I ended up telling her about the next week after we went out, he was home so I figured if she said something to him it would be in front of me so I thougth it would be harder for him to try lie his way out of it. also I am a very bad liar so I figured if  I told her in person she would be able to tell that I wasn't lying about anything, idk I thought it would work out better but she ended up texting me the next day and saying she didn't want to be friends anymore so I asked for her to get my stuff together that she had and I would come pick up, 

I am not about to be friends or try to be with some one who would ever think that I would try to hook up with their significant other. I'm kindof a bitch but ive never been that type of a person, ive never even cheated on anyone. I really don't think I'm capable of that and as my best friend I thought that was something that she would understand. we really had issues a few years ago but I felt this time around that things were more mature, we both had different things going on in our lives and I was doing okay, she wasn't really but she faked to everyone. idk so youre all caught up with that, ill fill you in one the rest later my hands are tired and its  7 am and I haven't gone to bed yet. 

#diary #dear diary #follow me #follow for follow #f4f #personal #personal rant #awfullyhonestme' #ask me anything #ask #ask me

[awfullyhonestme]

HI BABES

IM BACK

#hot #girl #pretty #pretty girl #sexy #me #selfie #follow #follow for follow #instant follow back #diary #personl #personsal #personal blog #f4f #blue eyes #long hair #north face #work #after work

[awfullyhonestme]

The best revenge is to improve yourself.

yes (via awkwarddly)

[awfullyhonestme]

April 7th 2016

Hello! Long time no see secret diary tumblr!! I'm back because i need a place to rant. Nic and and i tried to work things out but it didn't. He just became too much and i wasn't enough? I dont know how else to put it. I havent dated anyone since but i have been talking to this guy ive mentioned previously for a few months now but he is getting deployed in a few months so i dont think that it is going to go anywhere which is okay i suppose. Now to the important part. Syd. Well fml around september she texted me out of no where and i had deleted her number so i didnt knoe who it was at first. Things were okay at first like she made it seem like she had changed things and turned her life around. Well. Nope. It was all a lie. She worked at best buy but stopped showing up when they started to notice that she was stealing hundreds of dollars from them then she got fired from another job because she never showed up. While this is all annoying and typical syd yesterday she pissed me off to a new level. So of course she still doesn't have her own car so we had smoked and i had tried liquid THC for the first time and also taken a promethazine(?) Pill so i was really messed up and wasn't driving well so she offered to drive. She managed to hit every fucking pot hole in the midwest. Both my front tires are flat. Its going to cost me $100+ and she hasnt even apologized like i dont expect her to pay for it i just want a "damn yea i should have been more careful" but no. Nothing. We've been friends again for over 6 months and i think i want out again. She hasn't changed at all.

[awfullyhonestme]

Dear soulmate, where the fuck are you

[awfullyhonestme]

Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen.

Sylvia Plath, 3 months before her suicide.  (via portails)

[awfullyhonestme]

[awfullyhonestme]

mom : did you eat all the donuts

me : no

mom : why are you lying to me i can see all the powder on your pants

me : thats cocaine

[awfullyhonestme]

[awfullyhonestme]

September 6 2015

Nic and i broke up well i guess it's a break but we all know that's the same thing. I guess i was the one who brought up the idea of a break but it was only because he has been so distant these last few weeks. He's the only i have though. I have absolutely no friends. He was the only person i communicate with and talked to. He was the only thing keeping me same. I have no idea what I'm going to do. The worst part was that he knows all this and he doesn't care. I don't understand. I talked to him and wouldn't date him forever because i was so so so scared of this happening again and it happened anyway and now i am completely alone. I don't know what to do. I feel so sick. I haven't eaten in two days because of all the stress and it's not just to do with him there's other stuff going on too. My mom lost her job and i had to go to court with my brother the other day and idk i they are going to try him as an adult an my whole world is falling apart again but this time i don't have anyone. I tried to eat and i think I'm just going to end up throwing up as soon as I'm done typing this. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so scared I'm going to back the bulimia and it will get bad again. Nic didn't know about that either. I tried so hard to keep all the bad parts of myself away from him and not bother him with my problems but it still didn't work. I feel like a can't breathe. Everything hurts and i have nothing and no one to distract me.its so weird because i can't actually cry. I've just pretended that everything is okay for so long i don't know how to deal with anything. I'm so scared. I don't know who i will talk to now. I'm so so scared. I've never felt so alone before. I have no idea how to get through this by myself. I didn't even want to be in this relationship. He did. I feel so tricked. He didn't even try. I told him I've been really stressed and he never bothered to ask what was going on. I feel like I'm literally choking on loneliness.

#sad #lonely #rant #sorry for the long post #broken #everything is going wrong #personal #awfullyhonestme #diary #journal

[awfullyhonestme]

August 15 2015

IVE BEEN IN COLLEGE FOR OVER A MONTH AND I STILL HAVENT FUCKED UP SOGNIFICANTLY. i don’t have a 4.0 but the lowest grade i have is a B so that’s good. I’m pretty happy. I like to learn so now that i don’t view school as the enemy things are going much better. My binging and purging are pretty well under control right now. I was getting really paranoid about my teeth so that helped with convincing myself to calm down down about it a little bit, also i just haven’t really had time to eat a lot lately. I’m always busy. I’ve just recently been able to balance alone time with school/work/homework/Nic. Still haven’t talked to Sydney. It’s probably been about 3 months. That’s crazy that we use to be so so so close and now i don’t even know what she’s up to. So strange but even though I’ll admit that I’m a little lonely, okay so I’m really lonely but this is what i wanted. I had to get rid of her to accomplish anything i know it sounds like I’m being dramatic but it’s true. She would spend all money ( i know i shouldn’t have ever trusted her with my card) she would use me for things, lie to me, and convince me negotiate things about myself. Looking back i realized she’s never attacked my character she always attacked my physical apperance. Idon’t think I’m any kind of flawless but i think that says something. I miss having a best friend who can talk to all the time and triple text without feeling crazy but i was so sad a few months ago. I felt like i was never going to amount to anything and i knew i was hanging out with people who never would, and i don’t mean that they don’t have the ability, i mean they don’t have the drive. They are selfish and don’t want to do anything for themselves. I am very happy with Nic. I’m just so content with my relationship. I can’t believe I’m part of something so normal as a successful relationship. It’s great. The only thing missing in my life is a best friend but I’m making no effort to make one? I just don’t feel ready to he that open and fully trust someone that

way again. Know it sounds stupid but if you've ever had a falling out with a best friend then you know what i mean. All of a sudden the person you trusted with all your secrets isn't who you thought they were anymore an they do things like put drugs before you and that not the person you became friends.

#me #personal #diary #journal #august #15 #2015 #journals entry #dear diary #sorry for the long post #rant #ramblings

[awfullyhonestme]

You are the dancing queen, blood-curdling scream, 47 bees

[awfullyhonestme]

[awfullyhonestme]

July 24 2015

I just don't think i have the drive anymore. All of a sudden it's gone.

[awfullyhonestme]

[awfullyhonestme]

i just need to get my shit together

me in 2009/2012/this time last year/a minute ago/next year probably (via qpa)

[awfullyhonestme]

One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: “When you’re in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe.” (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, “Nothing means as much without that person.” One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing, “So you’re saying you can’t enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you’re really in love with them?” “Of course not.” the professor replied. “Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It’s not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more.”

(via evocativeapodyopsis)