awsnapitsrachel
fucking hipster
my name is rachel.
that's all you really need to know.
the rest will follow.
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i don't know why i'm writing this.
here's the deal. right now i feel like everything is falling apart, between school starting and my accident and now this. i know i'm being selfish.聽i know that what you need and what i need are two different things. i don't know how hard it was for you to tell me what you did, to say that. i know i tell you how much i care, but i'm not sure if you really grasp the depths of it.
i was involved in various abusive relationships - some voluntarily, others not - since i was a baby. since before i was born, there was a shadow cast over me. my dad didn't want me. literally. when my mom told him she was pregnant, he said to her, "get rid of it." i never knew why my mom told me that. maybe to make it easier to hate him. to make it clearer that he was (and is) toxic and rejected me at the cellular level. clearly, a father who doesn't want his child isn't inclined to be a model parent, or a parent at all. to be honest, most of my childhood is blurry. i remember a few things, but not many. most of my memories are as though they have a thick layer of film over them. good job, brain.
i couldn't tell you how many times he hit me. or didn't feed me for days on end because he was mad at me. or yelled at me for not doing exactly what he wanted, for not doing it exactly how and when he demanded it be done. i was conditioned to be in a constant state of terror, by the age of 5.
my parents getting divorced was the biggest relief and equally nervewracking. the abuse escalated. my point being, the one man in my life who was supposed to be a "leader" and someone i could look to for an example, was completely disfunctional. the disfunction extended far beyond the anecdotes i've aluded to here.
divorced parents, broken home and a broken child. a married man enters the picture, equally abusive but only in a different light. he was more clever. his abuse was exceptionally subtle. my father wasn't the most intelligent man and his manipulation, though skilled, was obvious. the man my mom was seeing was not quite as transparently terrible. he tried to strangle me when聽i was 9 and again when i was 12. seeing black around the edges of your vision, threatening unconsciousness, is something that is not easy to forget. my family denies that it ever happened.
since then, i've poured myself into horrible relationships. seen them through to their demise because i just wanted someone, anyone, to care. i actively sought out the most poisonous people possible - people who lied to me, stole from me, didn't listen when i said no, etc. it took years for me to look for relationships that i could have positive expectations for.
some people in my life i've come to count on. it is exceptionally difficult for me to trust someone enough for me to have hopes that they will not fuck me over on purpose. sometimes you get screwed by accident, but forgiveness is easier for those people than any other. the way i grew up made me almost entirely self dependent. but it also resulted in dependency issues for the people who i learn to love and care about. very rarely am i truly聽selfish. most times, if people tell me they need space, i provide it to them. i don't push, i don't chase. but that is the rule, and obviously there are exceptions.
those people that i consider my "best friends," so to speak, are ones that i feel lost without. most of my closest friends are men, which is either ironic or completely cliche. i put a lot of myself into those relationships, more than i care to admit, or than people have the ability to recognize.
caring about people is hard for me. being attached to people is excruciating. there's always the thought in the back of my head, "i've let them in, they've seen this part of me. now what?" what do i do if they leave? what if the relationship becomes toxic, will i be able to recognize the signs? will i care? apathy is something i've always excelled at, as a general matter. but when i actually invest myself into someone/something, it makes me vulnerable and sensitive. i don't handle loss well. and i feel like i'm losing.
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Do you know what scares me? It scares me that women鈥檚 bodies, and their right to choose what they do with their body is in jeopardy. It scares me that a woman鈥檚 right to choose what is best for her is being decided in state capitals, rather than in her own head. It scares...
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