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Love after
I don't know how I got to keep you in my memory, we come and go, we sleep and wake up, but I remember. When it felt like I couldn't live any more, my light dimming down, you saw me on a corner, scared to live again, and gave me your hand, you saw I was sad and looked at me with kind eyes, I knew you've suffered too, but you were still shinning so willing to give it another try, I've never felt strong like you, and I wanted to stay there.
We stood in line together, you looked at me and smiled, and then crossed the door, ready to live a brand new life. I opened the one right in front of me, closed my eyes and begged the gods above, to let me exist near you.
One time I was your friend, we laughted and played, we ran and misbehaved, my heart felt so much, but we grew up and parted ways. You got married and so did I, you didn't know you broke my heart. We saw eachother again one christmass , and I held you close, in case it was the last time. That same year, you died, I couldn't wait, felt I was rushing throuhg life.
Another time I was your mom, felt like I missed you out, then you came from me. I took care of you and watched you grow. You were mine and I couldn't love you enough, I tried to understand you even when I didn't, you changed, and evolved, you were majestic, magnetic, so important and so complex. That time, I closed my eyes first, you were holding my hand, and I promised I would be patient and wish you the best until we could meet again.
Many lives I've spent away, those were okay, but never complete, a bit sad if you ask me. 聽I would see you on a screen, met you at a wedding, or let you go, at a bus stop. Each time, feeling like I was walking away from love. Each one felt longer than the other, I was ready for them to end, many I ended myself.
I came back and I saw you looking for me, my heart grew stronger and you told me this one would be special, you took my hands again and we crossed together. 聽It seemed okay, years went by always feeling like I was waiting for someone to turn the lights on. I met you at a party, you looked just like me, maybe taller, I was so nervous, but I knew it was you, somehow I felt wrong for loving you, but then it felt so right. 聽We danced and held hands through life this time, you loved each and every part of me, you made promises and kept them almost all, we lived quiet, so no one could ruin our best world yet, we felt passion, and became one, suddently I found myself wishing it could last forever. It didn't but for a time it felt like it did. You left first, and it hurt a lot, this time you took so much of me with you, only bits remained, still, waiting to let go.
It hurts every time, we come together and then let go of each other, but no matter what, I know how it feels to be near you, so i'll keep going, because I have found you, and I know, someday it will be forever.
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Random thoughts from a younger me
I've been asking myself, the same question over and over again. Why do people commit suicide?聽 It's not because I find it hard to believe, that someone could just take their own life, it's just that it's been years since I've felt this way.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to end my life, I want to live, and I want to live a lot. But I just can't, don't know how, can manage myself to just get out of this state of sadness or inner desperation, and be happy with whatever is I got going on in this life.
Happy moments are not enough because even those feel somehow uncortable as fuck. I know I'm good, and there's a lot of things about me that you would say out loud just to make me appreciate myself a little bit more, but that's not enough, it has never been enough.
I don't know, and I'm letting it all out, just being over dramatic like everyone says I am, becase there's this things I feel and I'm tired of feeling that way.
I've always felt alone, no matter what, feels like there's no one, and I know life shouldn't be all about love, or finding your ideal couple, but It's not like that. I do, I want love, but I also want jokes, and fights, I want companion, and support, I don't care about fucking anyone, I just want to feel like someone cares, like someone's watching, like it's important to know me, to make sure I'm okay, that I'm being listened. I don't think there's someone in this world that matters what I think or how I feel.
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