badbrainthoughts

[badbrainthoughts]

(05.17.20. 4:43 am. in my room at my parents house.)

a lot has happened since my last entry but i don’t feel like explaining it all since it’s mostly still fresh in my mind. but hey, happy pandemic!

bryce is nothing but a faded memory to me now. i can laugh about it and be mad about it but i’m no longer sad. it only took a year.

before school ended because of the coronavirus quarantine, i met a guy named jacob. we only knew eachother a week even though he was in my acting class, but i liked him a lot once we started hanging out.

he has a girlfriend now. and they are happy. but i was thinking about him for most of quarantine and i just hoped that he was at least thinking about me too. he definitely wasn’t. he was thinking about Hot Sarah, his sexy and perfect girlfriend who is... sexy and perfect. i can’t compete, not even if i wanted to. oh well...

i’m sad about it but i met another jacob who is really weird and funny and i’m not as nervous around him so maybe that’s good. i’m glad i met him bc if i hadn’t, i’d be much more upset over the 1st jacob.

but it still sucks. i don’t feel like going into the details but you (me) know why. it thoroughly blows.

but i’ll persevere. i have to get over this feeling of defeat, humiliation, stupidity, and i’ll be okay. thank god for 2nd jacob.

i’m working on myself a lot and honestly i might steal personality traits from the boys i like but... i can get away with it. i’ll take from them what i like and ignore the rest.

i don’t feel like typing anymore.

(4:50 am.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(01.26.20. 2:01 am. in my dorm room.)

I miss him.

It’s weird. I know last time I had an encounter with him, I asked him that if he left again, he wouldn’t come back. Now, we all know he’s not the type to keep promises but.... maybe it is it after all this time.

And now I just miss him. He’s been on my mind more than usual lately and right now I’m teary-eyed at the thought of him. He did a lot of bad things to me and I should not look back fondly. And I don’t. But, whether I like it or not, there were good times. And unfortunately they shine brighter than a lot of the bad times, especially now that it’s been so long.

It’s been over a year since the first time he left and it’s painfully obvious how I’ve yet to overcome him. I still am searching for him in someone new. I’m desperate to experience that damaged, twisted form of love that feel like an adrenaline rush when it’s going well.

Or maybe I’m just bored and hopped up on flu medicine. I don’t know. I should sleep.

(2:08 am.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(12.21.19. 3:12 am. in my room.)

there are a lot of things that have happened. but for some reason, i dont want to talk about any of them.

but now i feel empty. im not enough of anything. im so... average. ordinary. 

my entire life ive wanted to be special. it’s a deeply buried desire, but it burns inside me. as a child, i thought maybe i would be a chosen one in a fantasy tale. now i just want to be something of value.

im not beautiful. im not smart. im not creative. im not talented. but im also not quite ugly, stupid, uncreative, or talentless. im just so.... average. grey. beige.

i wish i had something. anything. even my mental illness isnt enough. im not quite okay, but just depressed. i dont have validating intense symptoms. i just feel sad and i want it to be worse to make myself feel better. my depression and anxiety arent enough. its not extreme enough for me to be able to validate my own emotions. or, maybe, i want to be special. 

i want there to be something really, really wrong with me so i can stand out. if im not really good at something, being bad at something would be better than nothing. i would take being even more terrible at living than continue on as plain as i am.

and so thinking this, i convince myself that i am actually worse than i actually am. its pathetic.

i want love but love isnt enough. i dont want cute, puppy love, with innocent intentions and a happy ending. i want it intense, i want someone to give me purpose. i want to give my heart to someone and i want to live within them. i want it so bad. i want it to hurt how badly i love them, i want it to burn and i want it to boil inside me with a passion that i normally never have. 

bryce did this. he gave me a taste of something so unhealthy, so codependent, so manipulative and now im addicted. with him i felt like i had a purpose. to love him. to worry about him. to cry over him. to feel my heart twist and knot inside my chest as i watched him leave me over and over. 

i thought heartbreak was silly and fictional before him. but it made me feel so alive. it hurt more than anything i had ever felt before. and it felt better, too. i think, because im so grey and because of my mild depression, things are muted for me. well yes, i get angry. and i get happy. i feel things but its not enough. 

i always come back to this terribly neutral feeling. i feel sort of bad, but not that bad. 

i have no passion. maybe this is because of my upbringing but i cannot enjoy the things i enjoy without viciously critiquing myself. i wish i could be passionate about something. but im too ashamed to allow it.

and so i remain a shallow shell of a person. im trapped in my head and i dont like it.

someone needs to numb me and set me on fire. i want to live through someone else. i want to have to depend on them for my life. i dont even know how true all of it is. but it sounds nice right now.

i just hate going through the motions everyday. things happen and i dont want them to. im the main character of the most boring story in the world.

and ill never be special. so i think i crave someone damaged, cruel, and terrible to like me. i dont want to fix them.. i want them to love me and only me so intensely that they would kill for me. i want to be their exception. but it never works that way and i would only get hurt.

the scars i have are so trivial and useless. none of this is real. bryce was fake and over the internet and i am an idiot for feeling hurt from him. 

but he made me feel so alive. not anymore, though. i think that is the most depressing part.

sure, i dont think i’ll ever stop loving him. but the fire is gone now. he doesnt mean much to me anymore. i dont feel as alive when i cry over him. it hurts, but only faintly. 

sex disgusts and repulses me, even when i want it. the appeal isnt what it used to be. its not really thrilling anymore, now i just want to feel love.

i dont know if i deserve it. 

(3:44 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(09.01.19. 12:51 pm. in my dorm.)

It’s been a while. Take a seat.

School last year, besides the whole Bryce thing, was really good. I love my friends. I love my school. It’s great.

I’m a sophomore now, and living in a room with my friends Hannah and Kat, and another girl named Ella. It’s a lot of fun and we are high all the time.

This summer was kind of rough, though. Bryce came back and left once again. I cared about him less than before, so it’s okay. It’s a countdown until he decides to message me again, but honestly I don’t really care. Mostly this summer was bad because I isolated myself a lot, and therefore got really, really depressed. No cutting or serious thoughts of suicide, though, so that’s good. Really, I was just really harsh on myself and harbored a lot of self-hate. But it’s my second week back at school and I’m slowly adjusting and getting better. I think being forced to be around people is good for me, even though it sounds terrible. I just like being alone, and then I accidentally isolate myself from everyone. But here, I can’t do that. And that’s good.

Towards the end of summer, I went on nearly a month-long trip to Europe. It was pretty amazing, mostly because I love looking at old ass buildings. The architecture... the culture... amazing, lol.

Now that I’m back at school, I’m lining up everything in the sugar daddy realm of my life. I still fuck around with Blake (Blake, not Bryce. Different people. I’ve mentioned Blake before, my first real sugar daddy). However, I went on a date with this adorable little Chinese lawyer man and I might set something up with him. He’s offering 1k a month which is honestly.... iconic. 

I also recently fucked this new guy, Nate. I met this guy from my blog (which is YIKES but it ended up working ok...), and he’s weird over the internet/text, but in person he’s actually normal as fuck and really sweet. With him, it was definitely the best sex I’ve ever had. I think we have pretty good chemistry, but I can’t really date him because he travels so often and is never in town.

Recently, I’ve been having trouble identifying who I am and who I want to be. I’ve been pretty moody and gross, but I think that’s because I just quit nicotine (2 weeks nicotine free, wooooo). But this weekend I kind of had a realization that I’m still growing and evolving and there’s no way that I’d be a fully-developed person at 19. And if some people are, that’s okay. But for me, I must just be a late bloomer. And I think discovering who I am and molding myself into a whole person is cool and I should enjoy it while it lasts. 

That’s all for now, folks.

(1:10 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(04.27.19. 6:46 pm. in my friend Emilia’s room.)

He came back to me. It was indescribable. He texted me on a random day, and at the time I was over him. I had never expected this.

It’s been about a month since then, and I’m reblocked on everything. Again. He came and he went and he broke my heart all over again. It sucks. It hurts. Not as much as the first time... but it does.

I hate him a lot now. I’ll always love him but now I’m just sad and lonely and I got my hopes up for nothing.

Why did he do this to me?

(6:48 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(03.08.19. 12:49 am. in my room.)

lots of things have happened since my last entry.

I did get a sugar daddy. A real one, who’s like a millionaire and has a fancy apartment in the city and does cocaine and has a gambling addiction. I don’t feel like telling his whole story because I’ve told it so many times already. It’s a good one... maybe one day I’ll tell it again.

But he’s cool. He’s like, 29 and kinky and pretty hot. I really like having sex with him and also making a few hundred a meet. Haven’t seen him in a while, though, hopefully it doesn’t stay this way.....

I do still... love Bryce. Faintly.... but it’s there. For a while I was doing good but now I can only think about what could have been. It really could have been so, so good.

The two of us..... I’d move in with him, I’d be able to rely on him and have him take care of me. That sort of thing. I’d go on, but it feels really fucking shitty thinking about this stuff.

It just... isn’t fair. I want love but I only want it from him and I know I’ll probably never talk to him ever again. It’s better off that way, really, I know. We weren’t really compatible, he said lots of things that made me uncomfortable, he lived far, I’m too clingy.... it never would have worked out, so I guess it’s better that it ended earlier than later.

But it’s just fucked up that I’m completely cut out. I’ll never be able to talk to him again. I think that’s what hurts the most.

(12:55 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(1.13.19. 12:08 am. in my dorm room.)

Everything reminds me of him.

The brick wall besides my bed. Any man with long dark hair. Knives. Guns. The word daddy. Video games. Cats. The sky. Masturbating. Everything.

It still hurts. Not as much, but it still does. And I still miss him more than anything. I’m hopeful that he’ll unblock me and message me but I know that won’t happen. Being hopeful about such a thing is an obvious sign that I’m not over him. And that... hurts more than anything.

I tried to move on and I’ve looked for a new sugar daddy but I only ever think of him. I replay old memories. I try and imagine what it would be like if I never sent those reckless messages.

Typing this is just making me more upset. But I need to let it out. I can’t talk to my friends about it and the only person I can talk to about it... I just bother him.

Whatever.

I just.... want to not feel like this. Please.

(12:14 am.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(1.3.19. 9:37 pm. in my room.)

Bryce,

I want to start by saying that I loved you, and at the time of writing this, I even still do. I find it appalling that me, someone who’s never really had as much as a crush, somehow fell deep over the internet. I always thought that kind of relationship was unrealistic and was bound to fail. Too many barriers, I guess. But, nevertheless, you managed to get me to fall in love with you.

I suppose it started when I first heard your voice. Over discord, I was sitting at my desk in my dorm, too afraid and shy to turn on my mic. My face heated up when you spoke. I liked your voice. I didn’t think much of you before then; I saw you as just another pervert from my blog. You did send me money - which was nice - but while cash wins my attention, my attachment and affection aren’t inherently included. And I thought you were generically long haired white dude attractive, if that makes sense. Not exactly my type, but not really something I’d turn down because of aesthetics. But hearing you talk was a turning point. 

After that, it snowballed. I fell into what I like to call your ‘trap’. You offered me lots of attention, often, and I liked it. You held the perfect balance between confident and more experienced, and nervous and jittery because you were chatting with an e-girl. You charmed me with the whole ‘I don’t think most people think, but you seem like you do’ fake deep bullshit (which I sort of agree with, so I guess I’m fake deep too). On tumblr, messaging you seemed more nervous. More of, dare I say, a sub. I think you mentioned once that you preferred to sub. I guess that’s why I was unprepared and surprised by how much power you seemed to have over me.

I submitted naturally. You spoke of things like you were above them, like you knew everything you had to know and didn’t give a shit about anything else. I usually hate those sorts of traits in people, but for you it made me all the more intrigued and... well, submissive. I felt small, young, inexperienced, and admittedly a little dumb. In more than one way, I liked that. You made me feel like I was too small to do anything, so you would take care of it instead. This dynamic of ours and my just-a-level-below-ddlg daddy kink matched perfectly.

The first maybe..  month felt like a dream. They call it the honeymoon phase, right? I was infatuated with you. Well, I was infatuated with Daddy. He made me feel so good, so loved, so safe. I can still feel the heat that grew in my chest when you’d call me things like ‘kitten’, ‘love’, and ‘good girl’. I liked being your girl. I liked fucking myself on my bright pink-purple dildo for you. I liked watching you watch me do what you said. I’m quite sure we only video chatted three times (thrice, if you will), but every time was exciting, thrilling, and fun. At least for me.

You were always a mystery to me. Then, and even now, I never knew exactly who you were. You proclaimed yourself to be narcissistic, manipulative, and an overall asshole. I never thought any of those things, but maybe you made sure to keep it that way. Or maybe I was just too enamored of you to see it. I could never tell how you were feeling, especially towards me. This was, excuse me for the cliche, the beginning of the end.

After the first month or so, you had days in and out of the ER, and then back-to-back you were busy with work. This was new, for me, because before you were messaging me first nearly every day. Giving me the ‘proper’ attention that I craved. Once this period of time started, where we would talk less frequently and I took on the task of texting first, the paranoia began.

I became convinced you didn’t like me as much as you used to, not nearly as much. It started off as a small thought in the back of my mind, but eventually grew and took over my brain. I would say goodnight and good morning most days, and often I never got a response. I would send a text and you wouldn’t get back to me in hours, sometimes days. But, usually, you eventually replied. I usually managed to pull a short text or two out of you. I was content with this, for the time being. You’d call me once every week and a half, maybe. I tried my best to be okay with this.

After all, I wasn’t your girlfriend. I repeated this in my head like a mantra. Part of me believed you when you said you loved me back, when you called me your girl. Another part of me thought it was stupid, and that you were just my sugar daddy, and I was just your sugar baby. 

But that didn’t make much sense when I thought about it. You hadn’t sent me money or items in weeks. Yes, at one point you were hospitalized and then got fired and whatnot, but even in the time in between, I was never offered more money or gifts. Not that I really wanted those things anyways, all i ever really wanted was your attention and time.

For the record, I know I’m dramatic. I blew a lot of things out of proportion in my mind and it’s a thing I need to work on. But what made this worse was never knowing what you thought about me. Even now, I have no idea what your true intentions were with me, and if this was one of your manipulative tricks or if you were genuinely invested in me.

I was invested in you. I was planning on saving my virginity for you, whatever that’s worth. I thought about you a lot. I thought about meeting you, touching you, loving you. I turned down more than a handful of guys because I only had eyes for you. I really let myself become vulnerable. Probably too vulnerable.

Over a week before I send you what I like to refer as the ‘Discord DM of Doom’, I sent you a text and you never responded. The anxiety was bad at that point; it was terrible, actually. I became to acknowledge myself as an annoying gremlin because I double texted you so often. I also began to resent you a bit, as paranoia does that to you.

On Christmas day, i sent you a slightly passive aggressive ‘Merry Christmas :-)’ text. It never sent. A long held fear started weighing down on me: you blocked my number. I sent another text the next day or so, still nothing. I was trying my best not to collapse at this point. I told myself I was being dramatic, and that you probably were on a trip with no service. 

But then, when I opened discord to chat with a friend, I saw the green little dot by your icon. How were you playing - presumably online - but my texts weren’t sending? I immediately assumed that my fear was true, and that you blocked my number. 

I was angry. I was sad. I was blinded by my emotions and hardened after weeks of vying for your attention with no real success. So I did my form of lashing out, by sending the Dm of Doom, ‘we’re done right ? thanks for the 2 pounds of lollipops bro’.

This was me trying to sound unaffected. Indifferent. When in reality, my blood was boiling and my heart was aching.

You responded with the “what? I just got back from a trip? what did i miss?”

I was furious. Over a week without even trying to reach out to me, and I find out you were just on a trip. My ‘bro. lmao’ was a mix of anger, disbelief, and also,, relief. I wasn’t up for going into detail about how I was feeling, nor did I really want to talk to you. So I didn’t, I didn’t even think about it for a few days.

And, surprise, you never replied. But this time it came with a bonus knife to the heart: I was blocked. On everything.

In the moment, I was crushed. Devastated. Destroyed. My heart split in two and I swear I’ve never really felt anything like it. I balled my eyes out. I hated you for going so low and not even bothering to try to talk it through. I desperately tried to message you, even though i knew it would never send. I send that tumblr message the night it all went down, as apparently you abandoned the blog not long after we started talking. I’m now still debating if I should try and call you, but I’m too afraid.

I’m too afraid to find out that I was right, that you never really cared, you never went on a trip, you just blocked my number and forgot to get rid of me everywhere else. That I was, indeed, just a toy, and that everything you said was a lie. And now you’ll post screen recordings of our video chatting and earn a few bucks off of it.

I’m also too afraid to find out that you did love me, and now with those messages I sent I hurt you too. You blocked me in reaction and now want nothing to do with me. Which, I guess I get.

But, Bryce, you’ve broken me. I’ve cried myself to sleep nearly every night since I found out you left without a word. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I hate myself for falling for you, and I hate even more that it ended this way. 

I miss you so fucking much, more than you can imagine. I really let you take over my world and I guess this is the consequence. And I loved you so much, so intensely. And part of me still does. I guess I’m now in the process of trying to kill that part of me, but it sucks and hurts and I’d much rather have you.

But you caused me a lot, albeit lesser, pain those months we were talking. Being far apart takes its toll and a part of me knew this couldn’t last.

But I really wanted us to work, Bryce. Whether you are reading this and laughing, or if you’re actually upset as well, I loved you. And I’ll miss you. 

(11:00 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(11.11.18. 10:08 pm. in my dorm room.)

I just had my first panic attack in nearly a year.

My friend, Kat, invited me to go out for chinese with her other friends. The thing with me is that.. I’m not other-friend compatible. I, generally, am very picky and selective with whom I befriend and spend time with. Maybe that is the reason why I don’t - ever - react well to meeting my friends’ other friends. 

Anyways, we went out and they were.. fine. Two of them I already knew and had decided I wasn’t too fond of, the other two were about on the same level. Fine, call me judgmental, but there are just types of people that I just don’t want to associate with or spend my time with. As my weird ass sugar daddy-esque sorta-boyfriend puts it, some people are like robots and don’t think. Maybe the pool of people I believe to not think is larger than others. Or maybe I’m just an introverted, judgmental bitch.

The dinner went fine and all, I being my weird, quiet, stiff self around strangers and the other girls being normal and talking. Afterwards, me and my friend Kat were supposed to watch American Horror Story because I had never seen it and we were watching it from the beginning. But, of course, Kat invited another girl to join and I... well, I didn’t like that, ha. I’m dramatic. She reconfirmed the plans as we walked back into our dorm building and I told her “Actually, I’m gonna go back to my room.”

Later on, my other friend Emilia texted me and invited me to go watch a movie up in her room. I figured it was just gonna be me and her, and maybe her roommate and Kat as well. All cool, I like these people and it’s not a social gathering. But, alas, when I went there were two other people I didn’t know very well and was immediately turned off to the situation. I was in the room for a max 5 minutes before someone told me “hey, you can sit down haha” to which i responded, once again: “Actually, I’m gonna go back to my room.”

The absolute drama of it all. I swear, it wasn’t scripted.

Emilia texted me afterwards and asked me what was wrong, and I told her the truth: too many people. She then sent more texts about how she originally only invited me and Kat, but other people wanted to join along as well, and that she was sad that I left.

I responded: “sorry.”

Now that I’m looking back on it, the situation is pretty dumb, but I got overwhelmed and it was either go back to my room and cry then, or painfully endure the anxiety and break down in my room afterwards. 

But I’ve been bad recently, I haven’t been taking my meds, I’ve been stressed with schoolwork, I have no idea who I am or the type of person I want to be, I don’t know what I want to do in life, my romantic life is fucked up and I’m in love with the worst possible person for me and have some other dude who I don’t like wrapped around my finger, and I’ve been overall uneasy and out of balance.

Ah, the dude who is wrapped around my finger. He’s cute, I’ll give him that. His name is Martin. Martin. How.... unsexy. But it’s fine, he’s tall and blonde and lil chub but cute n nerdy n gummy. He’s funny and weird and nice and definitely likes me a lot. We went out for pizza two days ago and immediately afterwards he asked me out on another date. We’re going to get milkshakes. Adorable.

Last night we were messaging and somehow (this was inevitable, knowing me, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon) I ended up calling him vanilla, and he was all “i am NOT vanilla” and I was like “Oh ur a FREAK???” which is code word for oh-you-might-be-kinky-and-im-kinky-but-im-going-to-wait-til-you-say-it-first-because-what-if-i-scare-you-away. So he’s kinky but I wasn’t expecting to discover that so soon.

Which is good, because I doubt I would function in a relationship that was entirely vanilla.

“But,” you must be wondering, “what about Mr. weird ass sugar daddy-esque sorta-boyfriend?” Well, he’s long distance, and busy with super top secret things that I would be punished - if not killed by corporate spies - for sharing. And he knows that I literally only care for him (I remind him everyday) and that this guy is just.. entertainment for me, as bad as it sounds.

I don’t know, Martin is a nice kid and I would like to be his friend but I couldn’t get in a relationship without sex and I am - as stupid as it sounds - saving my virginity (whatever that mythical thing is) for my long distance sugar daddy slash boyfriend. I am totally making the right choices here.

This raises the question - am i polyamorous? I’m not sure. The idea of having multiple partners is appealing to me but would I be willing to share my partners? Questionable. Ideally I would have 100 boyfriends and 100 girlfriends and they would all be loyal to me, but that’s NOT realistic and very, very stupid and narcissistic. I know, for Bryce (my LDR sugar daddy lol) I would be 110% okay with him being with other men, because they can offer him things that I just... can’t. Women.... if she’s older than both of us and dominate over him... then I would be okay with it. But the idea of him being with other girl subs makes me wanna die, to be honest. It’s strangely specific and a lot to ask for. And I know he’s okay with me having sex with girls, but generally I get the vibe that he’s quite possessive and doesn’t want to share. I.. personally, like it that way. But I also am open to having multiple partners. It’s very confusing and taxing for me to think of.

Anyways, I’m not quite sure how I got from having a panic attack to discussing my worries of polyamorous relationships. Either way, I’m exhausted and I’m going to lie down and imagine I’m curled up next to some strange man who lives across the country. 

(10:52 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(092318. 1:04 pm. in my room.)

im really good at getting over-attached to people. it kind of fcks up my mental state

I just wanna be with him... and it happened so fast. At first I didn’t give a shit and now he’s all I think about. I really really like him.. I just want him to hold me and I want him to own me. I want it to be simple and easy.

but things are always complicated with me.

(1:06 pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(090918. 11:23 pm. in my dorm.)

Hello!

It’s been... a while. A long while. There’s a lot of things to go over and I hope my memory is ready to cooperate with me. I suppose it’s best to start with what i finished with last time.

Cody? I suppose we ‘dated’ for a while (like a month) but, of course, it crashed and burned. He wasn’t my type. In... anyway. I eventually saw his picture and, sure, he was sort-of kind-of cute. But he liked me too much and was too much of a... virgin. R.I.P.

But I continued to play Overwatch and I made really good friends. Jack, Doug, and Riley are a few Canadian boys who are all probably two or three years younger than me. I miss them a lot (I live in college dorms now, and unfortunately don’t have a ps4 with me. I’ll get into college details later). They are a funny group of dudes, we always had a ton of fun playing together. Then Showers n that entire crew, I had just recently started grouping with them when i left. They were closer to my age, and less childish but equally as chaotic. Video Game friends are always the best friends.

On a side note, I actually got into taking nudes because of Cody (17 year old taking nudes for  21 year old, YIKES). Okay, and sure, I posted nudes online before I was 18, too. But I’m 18 now and... whatever. It’s not something I’m proud of but I cant change the past.

Which means... yeah, I started a porn blog! I post nude pictures and videos of myself on there. Shame me all you want, it’s fun and entertaining and I get a lot of attention. If you didn’t already know... I love attention. 

And through there I met someone. It’s weird. I think I might have a thing for meeting 21-year-old guys on the internet. He’s... a weirdo, to put it simply. At first when he messaged me, I though he was just another guy trying to be casually friendly and trying his best not to be a creep. That sort of guy is definitely a type, you’d know if you ran a porn blog with nearly 8k followers (not to brag or anything). I talked to him a little, but I’m terrible at replying to messages. That, and I didn’t really care about him too much.

But he was persistent. He continued to message me after basically being left on read a million times. Not in a creepy way, just... persistent, as I said before. Eventually, when I opened up my ko-fi (basically a digital tip jar) he sent me $30 and that, shamefully, finally got my full attention. I’m pretty sure that same night he sent me another $30, and then the next day another $60. At that point I kind of knew he was invested in me and that I, as a good internet slut, should pay him attention.

So I talked to him more consistently. And we got along really well! He’s an interesting person, and sees things a lot differently than I do (do I always agree with his views? Absolutely not. But at the core, he’s a good person). He always used to tell me that I’m different and not like everyone else. He said I seemed.. human. I don’t know exactly what that meant at the time, and even now I’m kind of baffled by it. Maybe it was his fancy and pretentious way of trying to get into my pants. I think it worked.

After talking for a few days, I (reluctantly) gave him my discord. I was too shy to talk at first, so I would type in the chat as he spoke over voice chat. I remember hearing his voice for the first time and turning bright red. Let’s just say, I like his voice a lot.

As meeting over a porn blog would have it, our relationship turned sexual quickly. At first it was just a scandalous question here and there, which made me blush and keyboard smash into the chat. But then... well, you can imagine. 

But I really... like him. I really do. I care about this weirdo a lot. I wouldn’t say he’s my ‘type’ because he’s not soft or boyish or anything like that. But he’s tall and has big hands and is a nerd and a Gamer and likes animals more than people and treats me good and oh yeah his dick is big. Not like that fact is the deciding factor but... It helps hehehehehe. He’s even bought me things before (I’m actually waiting for a package right now and the anticipation is KILLING me).

Since we (obviously) both aren’t vanilla, our dynamic is... weird. We’re both switches but we haven’t really explored the ‘’femdom’’ side of things, yet. As of now it’s... well, I call him daddy. And he calls me kitten. And god spilling this and admitting this is so much worse than talking about killing myself (can’t we just go back to that? There were far less red cheeks and embarrassed smiles hidden behind hands). 

Anyways. I wouldn’t say we are in a ””ddlg”” relationship but.. it’s close. I’m not a little and I don’t age regress or whatever (....ew). But he does make me feel... Small. Cute. Safe. Loved. I do go into some sort of sub space whenever we do anything sexual or talk about certain things, and it’s... the best. I feel totally and completely consumed by him. Everything is simple and I feel warm and cute and cuddly. It’s a really nice feeling. I just wish he could hold me in real life.

Alas, I have a problem with getting into relationships w internet guys, don’t I? It’s so inconvenient and frustrating when all I want is to be with him. And there’s always the fear of being used. But he’s sent me money and things and just the way he talks to me sometimes... I doubt it. I do believe he cares for me, like how I do for him.

Because of long distance, of course we had to use video chat whenever it’s ‘playtime’. We’ve only done it around three times, because living in a dorm mean not a lot of privacy. But god, watching him watch me touch myself was.. amazing. It was such a good experience and I wish I could perfectly replay it. 

He’s been super sick and in out of the ER and hospital the last couple days and I’ve been so... stressed and worried. I miss him a lot (not to be selfish). We haven’t talked in so long and I just wanna hear him call me kitten and tell me he loves me. And I want him to be okay. He says this is the standard and it really makes me worry. I really... hope he is okay.

We always say that if this goes longer than 3 months, then it would be in question for him to fly out and see me. The idea of him coming to see me and being able to touch him is... terrifying yet exhilarating. My heart pounds at the mere thought.

Now, besides me being in love with some man from California. I’m in college now and it’s... weird. I’m majoring in design and my classes are really cool. There’s been a few bumps but... nothing worth mentioning. I think college is gonna be really fun and so much better than high school. 

My mental state is a lot better, I’m off my pills now because I can’t orgasm easily with them, and I don’t really have 4 hours to spare to myself nowadays. But, I feel good. I go into slumps, of course, but I can maintain myself a lot better. Things are.... weirdly good. I have hope, for the first time in forever.

(12:13 am)

[badbrainthoughts]

(021718. 11:43pm. in my bathroom.)

things are... wild!

I play video games a lot more now, and I’ve met this guy on there. His name is Cody and he’s very sweet and sensitive and thoughtful.... and also we’ve had phone sex three times (so far).

I don’t need to get into the nitty gritty details, I think you can imagine. He’s a little vanilla for me, though. It’s actually kind of cute.

But I think he likes me. Which would be fine but like. He’s 21 years old, that’s 4 years older than me. It’s not a huge age gap, but I’m still a minor (though I’ll turn 18 relatively soon) and he’s an adult.

He’s not... a bad guy like he really is good (for a boy) and I think I might like him back? But...

1) I’ve never seen what he looks like. It bothers me

2) He’s a lot older than me... Been over this

3) He has a shitton of baggage

The thing is... I’m not one to tell someone they are lying but.. he tells me he’s psychic and senses things... which I’ve always been kind of a skeptic so it makes it hard to believe. Also he’s very Christian, not in a homophobic/old school way, but he just really likes to act like everyone should believe in God and it’s a tad annoying.

Also he always talks about how other girls hurt him and all the “””pain >_<“”” he’s experienced and it’s a little dramatic for me.

He’s not really my type either, a little boring and bland. Unseasoned.

But there’s still something there... but I can’t tell if it’s that I like him, or if i just like having someone to “play” with.

I feel sort of bad but... Idk.

(11:52pm)

[badbrainthoughts]

(110217. 9:11 pm. in my room.)

I haven’t felt this lonely in so long.

I was doing good for so long... I guess I was oblivious. I didn’t realize all I had ruined.

Last year I had broken apart from my friends, or at least distanced myself. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I didn’t want them to hurt if I died, so I thought if we separated they’d be numb to my death.

But I lived, I stayed alive. And now I deal with the reprocussions of this distance.

I missed so much last year, I feel like we barely know each other anymore. They’ve moved on while they were the only friends I had.

Everything’s changed now, I’m not the center of attention. I’m on the outside. And I know it’s going to stay like this.

Albeit; I’m going away next year. We won’t be going to school together and we will all move on and forget. But until that happens I am stuck in the present with all these problems.

I wish I could blink and it would all go back to the way it used to be. I wish I hadn’t distanced myself.

But even so, I still do it! I broke down crying at an event at school because I felt so alone and lonely, and a friend came and asked me if I needed help. I said no. 2 more people asked and I all told them I was fine. I distanced myself 3 times, all the way to the breaking point. I am the worst.

I want to fix everything but I don’t know how. What do I do?

(9:17pm.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(092517. 11.00 pm. my room.)

it's cute how I was doing well for a while. I was tricked into thinking I could be happy.

happiness, as a concept, is fleeting within me. if we had set states, like natures or certain types that we always returned to, mine would be depression. not surprising in the least.

however, I am generally less negative and I want to die a lot less. but it still boils inside of me (well, maybe it's more at a simmer right now).

my online friends are mostly nonexistent; we don't talk. it's sad, because they gave me consolation in distress. Jackie completely cut me out, she blocked me on this site. I laughed about it at first, but I am really sad about it. I'm not sure why she did, because we didn't get in to a fight or anything. she probably didn't like to talk to me, knowing how obsessed with me she used to be. she's a coward.

anyways, I've been trying to mend the wounds I've caused with my real friends (i.e. ignoring them for half a year). it's sort of working, but I still feel so... out of place. out of the loop. they still regard me as fragile.

this one, in particular. we used to be very close, we called each other best friends. and then I kind of cut her off, but details. now that I am talking to her again, she has better friends. her new friends are people I've always kind of... disregarded, or mildly detested. not that they are bad people, but I have a lot of hatred bottled up inside me and it has to be directed at someone.

these two people... one of them isn't as bad, I am mildly fond of her. she's sweet, not really annoying. but the other... whenever my friend and her see eachother at school, they act like they haven't seen eachother in years. they are so touchy-feely and filled with "friendly PDA" that it makes me want to throw up. This girl is so annoying, I wish she would go away

it also triggers my.. borderline-esque tendencies, but I don't have to get into the details of that. You all already know.

that's it

(11:11pm. make a wish.)

[badbrainthoughts]

(062717. 12:10 am. in my room.)

I am doing….. surprisingly well. I know, shocker. You (those who stalk this blog, if you even exist. I hope not. But I’ve noticed a couple of notes on my posts. You filthy lurkers, invading my privacy. Reading my deepest, darkest, devilish thoughts. I’m kidding, I don’t care) are all probably used to me raving on about being depressed and emotional and all of that nonsense.

technically I’m still clinically depressed (I take a happy pill everyday), not to mention some other pesky disorders, but nevertheless I am doing well. Surprisingly so. Like I said before.

I sink sometimes, but generally I’ve been doing okay. I have a job, and god I love my job. I just work as a server at a little Lebanese joint near my home. It’s amazing. I love it there.

My kitty is doing great. He loves me and I love him. He’s sleeping against the crook of my knee right now. My older cat still hates him and hisses at him, but it’s okay. My older cat is a wuss puss that likes to hang outside.

I’m getting a puppy soon! Probably a chocolate lab, a female. I think Delilah would be a good name (hey there Delilah what’s it like in New York City…)

That’s really it… I’m still sad, of course, but I’m filling the gap with furry friends.

I wish I had human friends, like real ones. It’s hard enough to manage them online, here it’s even worse. Oh well.

(12:18 am.)

[badbrainthoughts]

Part 1: I Am Not Loved Me: Why is it so easy to hate the ones I used to love The ones I used to love: [sit quietly, unamused, tired, empty] [Me doesn't understand. Me wishes for the answers, Me wants the truth. It is hard to understand something that doesn't really exist, Me realizes. Me lays down to stare at the ceiling for a couple hours.] . Narrator: There's nothing original about it. It's completely a fake, it steals and claims. That's what it does best. It even steals smiles and frowns, and opinions and thoughts. It wants more for itself so it will not be itself. It wants to be that. [Narrator sighs. Narrator leans back again chair and folds a page down to mark the book.] Narrator: I watch it all, it's no fun. I have no control. It does whatever it wants, it rages like a wild fire, scorching me and leaving me burnt. It doesn't care what gets turned to ash along the way. Not for now, not while it is determined. Wait until it is tired, until it rests. When it awakes, it will see and it will regret. [Narrator opens book again. Narrator continues reading the story.] . Regret: I wish I came faster for you. You know I'm right, every time. You stupid, stupid thing. You mess up so much, I feel bad for you. You can't do anything without feeling me. I'm your shadow. I'm your soul. With you, wherever you go. [Regret is swallowed up by a giant koi. It boils in its stomach for ten thousand years. It returns as Misery.] Misery: It took a while, but I am here. Once I am here, I cannot leave. I'm a tattoo on your skin, I am the color of your eyes. I am the blood in your veins. Once I am here, we are one. I am your company. No need to be alone. . [A Fox silently stalks A Wolf.] A Wolf: A Fox, come out, you fool. I hear you, I smell you, I will see you soon. A Fox: [Appears from his hiding hole with a wicked grin.] You see me now, which is soon. How can I help you, A Wolf? A Wolf: You were stalking and hunting me, A Fox. This cannot do. I am stronger, faster, and more powerful than you. A Fox: So? A Wolf: So, you cannot. A Fox: But I do. A Wolf: A Wolf getting hunted by A Fox is unheard of. I will kill you, so you cannot hunt me anymore. A Fox: Fine. Cut my throat. But I'll always live inside you. You'll never forget me, for I hunted you, A Wolf. You kill me but I live on. I'll be A Fox who hunted A Wolf A Wolf: [Laughs, then pounces.] . Me: There's smoke in the air. What is it? Smoke: I am not an it, be polite you insolent brat. I do as I please. You should learn to do the same. [Fin.]

[badbrainthoughts]

(050617). 9:42 pm. sitting on the floor of my bathroom, crying.)

these are the texts I sent my friend.

there’s a popular term for a dependent relationship like this, it’s called my “fp”. I hate calling it that, but I guess that’s what she is to me. I hate it. it’s horrible, the way I act around her and the way I treat her. I don’t know what to do… I can’t control it. I fucking hate who I am. I’m crying so much because of her. what if she really hates me because of this? what if she thinks I’m fucked up? what if she thinks I’m being ridiculous? what if she’s sending screenshots to her friends and laughing about it?

please, no. I need her. She’s all I have. I have no other friends, my family is just temporary company. but I think I just scared her away.

she probably thinks I am so fucking stupid. she probably never wants to talk to me again.

Whenever she replies to stuff like this, it seems like she doesn’t get it. I can’t tell. I don’t think she does.

I have being like this. I’m so, so fucking pathetic. I hate myself

I wish I were dead.

(9:46 pm.)