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badjokesbyjeff · an hour ago
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One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”
So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"
Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
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badjokesbyjeff · 19 hours ago
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After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can’t do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
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badjokesbyjeff · 20 hours ago
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I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT
I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.
He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
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house-ad · 3 days ago
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Why lava? Cuz we know a lot about podcasts but in Pocket Casts we have no clue about backgrounds.
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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We have the opportunity to partner up with Rubik’s Cube and customize our own cube. Do we take on this project, fellow Pride Knights? Yes or no?
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife
"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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What is a Pirate's favorite letter?
The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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I love timezones
In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.
Fuck you, SCOTUS.
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
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My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I told her “it’s not what it looks like”.
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.
I'm having trouble dealing with it.
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badjokesbyjeff · 5 days ago
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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..
Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.
“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.
He then holds up a finger and says, “you must also possess the strength to do the things necessary even though they may make you squeamish.” He then sticks his finger into the cadavers anus. Following that he pops a finger into his mouth.
“Your turn” he says.
Slowly but surely all of the students stick their finger into the cadaver anus and then into their mouths.
As many are retching and sweating he then says, “the final lesson today is that you must pay attention to the smallest details. You see I used my index finger for insertion, but, unlike you, I stuck my middle finger into my mouth.”
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house-ad · 2 months ago
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badjokesbyjeff · 5 days ago
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Man : How much for a blowjob?
Sex worker : Ummm $20
Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess I am your favourite.
Sex worker : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days ago
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.
As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)
"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"
"OK sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour."
"An hour?! But they'll be long gone by then!"
"I'm sorry sir but there are no officers in your area."
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 000 again.
"Hi, it's me again. Don't worry about sending those cops, I've just shot the robbers." and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
"What's going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!"
"You said there were no officers in my area."
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days ago
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My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type
She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around
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badjokesbyjeff · 7 days ago
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China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.
One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.
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badjokesbyjeff · 7 days ago
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I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌
I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"
The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus
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badjokesbyjeff · 7 days ago
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Figuring out your identity can be really puzzling. That’s why, this pride, we are partnering with Rubik’s to bring you the LGBTQube!
Can’t believe that this blog started out on Tumblr 5 years ago, and now we got to partner with such a huge, worldwide brand - this is an incredible step for our community and we are truly filled with pride 🌈
We made a Gender Identity Edition and a Sexual Orientation Edition LGBTQube! They are available until June 30th, 2022!
Get yours here: LGBTQube.com ✨
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badjokesbyjeff · 8 days ago
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Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving
But I think it builds character.
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house-ad · a month ago
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