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badjokesbyjeff · 12 hours
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Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
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badjokesbyjeff · 14 hours
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. 
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
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badjokesbyjeff · 15 hours
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I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. 
Oh well. Hindsight is 1.
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badjokesbyjeff · 17 hours
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I am bisexual 
I have sex twice a year
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days
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My wife and I sat down with our son and I said… 
“Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack.”
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days
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A diner who had finished brunch at a Cantonese restaurant called the waiter over to question the bill. 
"I can read the costs of all the individual items we ordered, but the total amount I owe is so faint I can't read it," the diner complained.
"But sir," the waiter responded, "you specifically requested the dim sum."
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days
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Steve dies and goes to Heaven, where St Peter informs him that he'll have to share apartment with someone else. 
"You see, it's getting a bit crowded up here", St Peter explains.
"What kind of roommate will I get?" Steve asks.
"A gentleman from 14th century Mexico."
"Medieval Mexico?!" Steve exclaims. "But I'm from 21st century Britain! We'll have nothing in common!"
"I'm sure you'll find something to talk about if you try", says St Peter.
So Steve is shown to his heavenly home and is introduced to a shy, skinny fellow whom he's supposed to share it with.
"So what did you work as?" asks Steve.
"Peasant", says the Mexican.
"How was that?"
"Hard."
"I was a web designer."
"What's that?"
"I don't know how to explain it to you, sorry. Did you have hobbies? Mine was old cars."
"I don't understand."
Thus the conversation continues, both men struggling to keep it going, both fearing an eternity of awkwardness.
Then the Mexican asks: "How did you die?"
"Well..." Steve hesitates. "To be honest, I died because my life had become too difficult for me to handle."
"Why had it become so difficult?"
"I fell for a pyramid scheme. You see, my heart was stolen by someone who only wanted to use me."
The Mexican beams with relief. "What a coincidence!"
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
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badjokesbyjeff · 4 days
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The pictures don't do it justice but these cards are beautiful and so cool!!!
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Thank you so much @prideknights for this Christmas present!!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💗
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badjokesbyjeff · 5 days
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A priest wants to go on vacation 
So he calls his rabbi friend and asks if he would handle his parish for a month.
The rabbi replies "I guess. I can definitely handle the sermons as I'll just preach from the old testament but I wouldn't have a clue what to do with the confessional."
"Confessions are easy," the priest says. "Just watch me and you'll get the idea."
So the priest goes in the confession box and a woman comes up. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
The next woman comes up:
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
The next woman approaches.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
"This is easy," the rabbi says. "I can handle it."
"You take the next one and I'll watch" the priest replies.
So the rabbi goes in the confession box and the next woman approaches.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with a man."
The rabbi replies "so sleep with another, they're 2 for a dollar."
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badjokesbyjeff · 5 days
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A German buys a train ticket 
A German man wanted to buy a train ticket to visit his friend in Naples. He goes to the Italian ticket agent and buys the ticket, but explains that he wants to reserve a seat facing the direction that the train was going. The Italian ticket agent hands the German his ticket, and he boards the train. To his discomfort, he finds that his assigned seat is facing the opposite the direction of the train. After a long journey, he gets off in Naples and meets his friend, who asks him how the ride was.
"It was awful," says the German man, "I was given a reverse seat, and now I feel absolutely nauseous."
"I'm sorry to hear that," says the friend, "did you try explaining the situation and asking the person sitting across from you if they were willing to switch seats?"
"I would have," said the German man, "but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty."
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badjokesbyjeff · 5 days
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A group of Boeing employees are sitting on a plane getting ready for takeoff. 
The pilot comes on over the intercom and says "Folks, we're pleased to have you flying with us on our brand new 737, fresh from our good friends at Boeing!"
Immediately, the Boeing employees all scramble to get out of their seats and off the plane as quickly as possible. It's utter pandemonium in the aisles as everyone starts to panic. Everyone, that is, except for one old man, who remains sitting in his seat, quiet and unbothered.
A junior executive looks at the old man and says "Didn't you hear the announcement? If we don't get off now, this plane might fall apart mid-air!"
The old man says "Sir, I've been an engineer at Boeing for over 30 years. I've been there through all of the ups and downs, the cost-cutting and outsourcing, the bad times and the good. And if I know how this company operates today, I can say with absolute certainty there's no chance this plane will even leave the ground!"
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days
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An engineer comes to work one day with a new bike. 
His friend says "Cool bike. Where did you get it?" First guy says "I was walking home through the park. A beautiful woman on a bike rode up, jumped off the bike, stripped naked, and told me to take whatever I wanted. I took the bike."
"Good call" says the friend. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days
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Woman walks into a pharmacy and says "Could I have some condoms please?"
Pharmacist says "Do you need a bag?"
Woman answers "No thanks, this one's not that ugly".
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days
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Reblog to open a rail line from your blog to the person you reblogged this from
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badjokesbyjeff · 6 days
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Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls. 
After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day their husbands are talking on the phone, voicing their concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!"
"I hear you" replies the second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"
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