Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,
“Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack.”
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
So he calls his rabbi friend and asks if he would handle his parish for a month.
The rabbi replies "I guess. I can definitely handle the sermons as I'll just preach from the old testament but I wouldn't have a clue what to do with the confessional."
"Confessions are easy," the priest says. "Just watch me and you'll get the idea."
So the priest goes in the confession box and a woman comes up. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
The next woman comes up:
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
The next woman approaches.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men."
The priest replies "say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven."
The woman thanks him and leaves.
"This is easy," the rabbi says. "I can handle it."
"You take the next one and I'll watch" the priest replies.
So the rabbi goes in the confession box and the next woman approaches.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with a man."
The rabbi replies "so sleep with another, they're 2 for a dollar."
A German man wanted to buy a train ticket to visit his friend in Naples. He goes to the Italian ticket agent and buys the ticket, but explains that he wants to reserve a seat facing the direction that the train was going. The Italian ticket agent hands the German his ticket, and he boards the train. To his discomfort, he finds that his assigned seat is facing the opposite the direction of the train. After a long journey, he gets off in Naples and meets his friend, who asks him how the ride was.
"It was awful," says the German man, "I was given a reverse seat, and now I feel absolutely nauseous."
"I'm sorry to hear that," says the friend, "did you try explaining the situation and asking the person sitting across from you if they were willing to switch seats?"
"I would have," said the German man, "but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty."
A group of Boeing employees are sitting on a plane getting ready for takeoff.
The pilot comes on over the intercom and says "Folks, we're pleased to have you flying with us on our brand new 737, fresh from our good friends at Boeing!"
Immediately, the Boeing employees all scramble to get out of their seats and off the plane as quickly as possible. It's utter pandemonium in the aisles as everyone starts to panic. Everyone, that is, except for one old man, who remains sitting in his seat, quiet and unbothered.
A junior executive looks at the old man and says "Didn't you hear the announcement? If we don't get off now, this plane might fall apart mid-air!"
The old man says "Sir, I've been an engineer at Boeing for over 30 years. I've been there through all of the ups and downs, the cost-cutting and outsourcing, the bad times and the good. And if I know how this company operates today, I can say with absolute certainty there's no chance this plane will even leave the ground!"
An engineer comes to work one day with a new bike.
His friend says "Cool bike. Where did you get it?"
First guy says "I was walking home through the park. A beautiful woman on a bike rode up, jumped off the bike, stripped naked, and told me to take whatever I wanted. I took the bike."
"Good call" says the friend. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."
Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls.
After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day their husbands are talking on the phone, voicing their concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!"
"I hear you" replies the second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"