badjokesbyjeff
badjokesbyjeff
Bad Jokes by Jeff
Hi, I am Jeff and I tell bad jokes
Statistics
We looked inside some of the posts by badjokesbyjeff and here's what we found interesting.
Inside last 20 posts
Time between posts
25918.9
Number of posts by type
Photo
0
Video
0
Audio
0
Text
0
Chat
0
Answer
0
Link
0
Quote
0
Explore Tagged Posts
badjokesbyjeff · 15 hours ago
Text
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 16 hours ago
Text
C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.
1K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 18 hours ago
Text
The man’s wife left him
Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death. Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman. "Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'll pay you $100, that's all I have." The watchman agreed. After that, the man got into his car and left the cemetery in a hurry. He was confused and did not look where he was going and... Before he could realize what was happening, he knocked down another cop. He was even more confused - it's not every day that you're lucky enough to hit a cop twice. He needed to pull himself together and figure out what to do. He came up with an unusually stupid plan: He drove back to the cemetery and quietly threw the second cop to the watchman while he was distracted. The watchman finished burying the first one, turned around only to see the second cop. "WTF? I swear I buried it??"
Just down the road there was a police post near the cemetery. The cop notices that the same car had travelled back and forth to the cemetery and decided to check what was happening. He drove to the cemetery where the watchman just buried the second cop. The officer asked him: "What's going on here?" Only for the watchman hit him on the head with a shovel: "Will you just fucking stay buried?!"
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
Text
What do you call a boner at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
1K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
Text
Speaking of a big fat butt!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat,” she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
Text
Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?
He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...
1K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
Text
Where do babies come from?
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
971 notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
Text
As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...
Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said. Jack went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Jack.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!"
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
Text
God will protect me from COVID-19
A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the Covid vaccine if he would like one. Again the man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. A few weeks later the man fell very ill. He went back to his doctor and to his disbelief was diagnosed with Covid and admitted to the hospital. After days of holding on he finally fell victim to his illness. When the man reached the gates of heaven God was there waiting for him. The man asked God why he didn't protect him from Covid? God looked at him and said, I had people offer you free masks and three different vaccines to choose from you dummy. Also you're going to have to quarantine in hell for a few weeks.
3K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
Text
An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grand children! And you told her she was pregnant?”
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
Text
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
13K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
Text
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
Text
Three months ago I pitched an idea for a party game. Today, ‘WHAT THE PLOT?!™’ is a real game and available for pre-order! I am so excited. Thank you everyone for your support!
Tumblr media
116K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
Text
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
"No."
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
Text
I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
2K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 4 days ago
Text
So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video
I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(
1K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 5 days ago
Text
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
1K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 5 days ago
Text
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
4K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 5 days ago
Text
A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
3K notes · View notes
badjokesbyjeff · 6 days ago
Text
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”
The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”
Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”
2K notes · View notes