badsext - Tumblr blog

badsext · 5 months

Text

Sauna Klaus x Dave

Umbrella Academy smut 🍑🥵

Author’s Note: So, the other day, my husband told me about our town’s gay sauna and how there was a whole documentary about it. I didn’t ask him how he knew all this, but I did watch the documentary.

Anyway, then this happened.

All my other WIPs (Dead Sexy, Chained and High Altitude) are still ongoing and new chapters for each are coming soon - I just really needed to get this smut out of my system. (I’m sorry!)

Enjoy, filth fans! If you like it, leave me some comments and I will read them over and over while lying on my bed in the foetal position because they are my primary source of dopamine. 🧡🧡

Summary:

Dave goes to the sauna for the first time.

It goes… very well.

Snippet from Sauna:

He is beautiful - but not in the way a man is usually beautiful - in the way the Grand Canyon is beautiful. An awe-inspiring, breath-taking, all-encompassing beauty. His cheekbones and jawline are razor-sharp, his eyebrows thick and expressive, his eyelashes long, his goatee finely manicured, framing a wide, warm smile. He is so radiant, he’s almost painful to look at. Like the sun.

“Wow, you’re…”

“Invading your space, I know. I hope you don’t mind - I just have this damn tricky shoulder, I’m hoping the heat will help to loosen it up.” The man massages the top of his arm for emphasis.

Fuck, his arms are beautiful too.

Dave shakes his head “No, no, that’s fine.” He doesn’t really know what to do here, he’s been thrown off by that face, those eyes, those arms.

He panics and sticks out his hand. “I’m Dave, by the way.”

The man looks down at the proffered hand as if Dave just offered him a rubber chicken. Instantly, Dave realises his mistake; he has forgotten the primary purpose of places like these - anonymity.

A bemused smile crosses the man’s face, the kind one reserves for the quaint idiosyncrasies of a foreign tourist.

“A names guy, hey?”

It’s like Dave has suggested some new, weird kink and he’s deciding whether to go for it or not.

“Okay, then. I’m Klaus.” Klaus takes Dave’s hand and gives it a hearty shake. “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Read the rest on AO3

Tagging because I crave your approval: @badsext @softforklave @anglophile-rin @neist @maerenee930 @firstpersonnarrator @allisoooon @cemeteryklaus @super-unpredictable98 @pickledbeefwastaken @love-is-dirty-baby @rina-cydonia @inspiremeandsetmefree @jender123 @vonkimmeren @narnianaos @sylvertyger @merrilark @shaneen828 @spideyxalmighty @faceache111 @rob-private @pietro-t1me @not-oscar-wilde @squishitude @courtneytarynofficial @spookyfbi @kawaiic0mmunism @wcrmboy @yeah-klave @thislovelylife @kaufmann-6 @hullosweetpea @crisecardiac

#hot #exquisite klave porn #Salv you did it again #klaus hargreeves #dave katz #klaus hargreeves smut #klave #klaus x dave

51 notes · View notes

badsext · 6 months

Text

Wrote a Halloween thing.

#vincent price #Halloween #classic horror #roger corman #edgar allan poe #Corman-Poe cycle

3 notes · View notes

badsext · 7 months

Text

Dead Sexy 💀😵🩵 Updated!

An Umbrella Academy AU feat. Pathologist!Dave + MorgueRegular!Klaus

A/N: Yo! This fic just hit 50 subscribers so I figured I should probably update it. 😬 Apologies for being the world’s slowest writer. I humbly offer this chapter as restitution for my tardiness. If you like it, please leave me a comment. If you don’t, well, just keep that shit to yourself. 😘

Summary: Dave is a pathologist working at the city morgue. And Klaus… well, Klaus just keeps turning up.

Snippet from Chapter 4:

It sometimes takes a little while to rouse him. A breakfast burrito waved under his nose (Dave has started buying an extra one during his Monday morning commute) normally does the trick.

But then eventually Klaus’ eyes will blink awake and he’ll be back on the mortal plane; yawning, stretching, scratching and subjecting Dave to more of his incorrigible flirting.

It’s strange, really, how quickly they’ve fallen into a kind of routine.

Klaus exhausts the supply of wearable items amid the sparse and ancient offerings of the lost and found box during his first few visits. Dave invests in a multipack of cheap white t-shirts and picks up a dozen pairs of sweatpants and some worn shoes from goodwill so that he can at least provide Klaus with something halfway decent to walk home in.

Not that Klaus always turns up naked; he doesn’t. Sometimes Dave will unzip the bag to find the guy still wearing the outfit in which he met his end: a leather gimp suit with straws poking through the nostril-holes (breathplay accident at an orgy), rainbow ice skates (pond not fully frozen), purple parachute pants (parachute not included).

The more Dave learns about Klaus, the more of a mystery he becomes. He doesn’t appear to have a permanent address, but then never seems to be strictly homeless either. Klaus apparently exists in a perpetual state of couch surfing and bed-hopping - without any shortage of couches to surf and beds to hop into.

Klaus’ sexual exploits are one of his favourite topics, the stories all delivered with a nonchalant hand wave but punctuated with a knowing glimmer of the eyes, as if told purely for Dave’s benefit.

Dave would never admit that he occasionally feels the prickly fangs of something green-eyed when Klaus is sat cross-legged on the autopsy table, delivering yet another tale of naked debauchery. But he does sometimes give Klaus the smaller burrito as a form of punishment.

Read the rest on AO3

Tagging because you haven’t told me to stop: @badsext @yeah-klave @softforklave @anglophile-rin @falloutby @merry-melody @neist @purblzart @maerenee930 @firstpersonnarrator @super-unpredictable98 @wcrmboy @spookyfbi @squishitude @courtneytarynofficial @mokolataddict @pickledbeefwastaken @love-is-dirty-baby @jender123 @vonkimmeren @narnianaos @sylvertyger @merrilark @faceache111 @rob-private @pietro-t1me @not-oscar-wilde @thislovelylife @falafel14 @allisoooon @kawaiic0mmunism

#amazing!#keep it coming #that list of deaths was hilarious and so Klaus #robert sheehan #the umbrella academy #tua #klaus hargreeves #klave #klaus x dave

52 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

Here’s a little story I wrote for a friendly challenge. “Bonus” content at the end.

#original story #challenge #funny story

9 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

Dead Sexy 💀😵💕 Updated!

An Umbrella Academy AU feat. Pathologist!Dave + MorgueRegular!Klaus

A/N: The brainrot continues. I hope you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I’m enjoying writing it. Don’t be strangers - lemme know your thoughts (and any wish-list items for future chapters).

CW: Nothing much to upset your stomach in this chapter. It’s all flirting and dirty crossword puzzles.

Dedicated to @kawaiic0mmunism (to whom the concept belongs) with thanks to @allisoooon for beta services and encouragement.

Summary: Dave is a pathologist working at the city morgue. And Klaus… well, Klaus just keeps turning up.

Snippet from Chapter 3:

Dave looks over the notes from the night shift and a resigned sigh escapes from his chest.

The familiar scent of weed confirms his suspicions before he even opens the body bag. As he slides the zip down he notes that Klaus is naked, as usual, but this time is covered in neon body paint; splashed and smeared over every limb, pasted in wide swathes over his chest, collecting in the crevices under his arms and between his fingers. An explosion of colour is arranged in a butterfly formation across his face, punctuated with swipes of glitter and stick-on sequins.

Klaus is as peaceful as always, a serene half-smile playing on his lips. And, as always, there isn’t a mark or a scratch on his body.

Dave pokes him, hard, in the chest.

“Ow! Whatchu do that for?” cries Klaus, instantly awake, jolting upright and shielding his ribs from further intrusions.

“Just checking,” says Dave.

Read the rest on AO3

#loving this series #klausiest death ever!#the umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #klave #friend fic #fic rec

48 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

A new thingie I wrote. @salvador-daley @elliethesuperfruitlover @super-unpredictable98

#funny story #artificial intelligence #original article #vocal media #a.i.

7 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Note

Thank you, Salvie! I’ll cherish these crabs! 💕

4 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Note

Can you do Vincent being jealous of Lydia's past crush, now friend and blabbering some things in front of him that genuinely embarasses her , probably something that she told him about her past feelings or past incident and then the extra exaggeration?

Tysm ❤️

The Skeleton in Ramona's Closet | The Road Within AU

Pairing: Ramona x Vincent (OC - Exposure Therapy’ Verse)

Word Count: 1,8 k

Warning: Strong language, mental illness stuff

a/n: Thank you so much for your request, that was the first I got to work on, I'll be working on the other ones over the weeks. It says Lydia, but I imagine it was meant to be Mona, the pair I created for Vincent. I hope you like it anyway <3

(Masterlist)

"Do you think he'll like me?" Ramona asked for the millionth time.

The week before Vincent had told her his father was coming to visit. He knew she wasn't a big fan of surprises and bringing it up on the day of would only stress her out, especially after all the things he had told her about his dad. It was safe to say she was sure the man wouldn't like her and was scared of him from the get-go.

"Of course, he's been a lot nicer lately, ever since he- fuck fuck divorced Monica. And what's there not to like about you? FAT WHORE."

"See?"

"You're not a fat whore! You know that was a tic, I'm sorry."

"I know, what I mean is that you're tics are off the charts! Means you're nervous, means you're scared, means he'll hate me!"

"You know I have a few CUNT days when I'm worse. It's just fucking Tuorette's."

Okay, that part was true, but this time Vincent was actually nervous. It would be the first time introducing a girlfriend to his dad like that. When he met Marie back in the day, they were all running away from him and it was completely different. Now if anything went wrong he would blame himself til the end of his life.

"I can hear your tics all the way from my room, can you tone it down?" Alex stood at the top of the stairs, watching as Vince contorted with spasms.

"Sorry, I'll just dial my- cunt! My Tourette's down pressing the button up my asshole!" Vince growled.

While it wasn't so apparent, Ramona was just as perturbed. She wasn't able to eat that morning, she felt queasy and she felt her heart beating on the tips of her fingers. She was fighting with all of her willpower not to give into a panic attack or shut down completely, she couldn't just hide in her room while Mr. Rhodes came all this way to visit.

"Hey, let's breathe together, okay?" Mona took her boyfriend's hands and calmly guided him while trying to calm herself down as well.

"Think about it, it can't be any worse than when I met your mom..." Vincent joked.

That was true, Mona's mom was still traumatized after walking in on them doing it in the shower. Every time she came to visit, Vanessa would knock very loud on the door before walking into any room and even before coming out of them. Initially, she despised Vincent, but after seeing how he managed to bring out the best in her daughter, she ended up coming to terms with their relationship.

Before any of them could say anything else, the doorbell rang. The sound made Vincent tic again and Mona shiver. Alex disappeared back into the guest room to finish cleaning it for Mr. Rhodes.

"Just breathe and try to relax the most you can," Vincent nodded before opening the door, saying it both to Mona and to himself. "FUCK! CUNT!"

"Always so sweet," Robert taunted. "Hi, Vince."

"Hi, Dad," he looked down, trying to hide his twitching. After all this time and after making amends, he was still embarrassed to tic in front of his father. "Come in, this is Ramona, my-slut whore! My girlfriend."

"Hey, Mr. Rhodes," she waved timidly, trying very hard to look him in the eye and failing miserably. "Vince told me you work with politics, I played Evita Peron in a musical once."

"Oh... That's- interesting, like that movie with Madonna?" Robert asked.

"Yes actually, but Patti LuPone did a much better job with it on Broadway... It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Ramona. Can I shake your hand?"

"Yeah, of course!" She excitedly held out her hand. "I'm not very good at eye contact, but my handshakes are a transcendent experience I've been told."

Robert chuckled, he already liked this one way better than Marie, but he definitely wasn't going to say that. He remembered how crushed his son was when she left and the last thing he wanted was to bring back those memories and trigger another string of violent tics.

"Happy to be back at the madhouse," he joked.

"Madhouse?" Mona repeated, slightly confused about what he meant.

"Yeah, you know... Cause you all have mental illness and disorders and stuff."

"Dad, I don't think that's very politically correct," Vince smacked himself across the face. His girlfriend was very sensitive, he knew that comment would hurt her, even if she didn't say anything. She was a horrible liar, but that never stopped her from trying to hide her feelings when something got under her skin.

"It's fine," Ramona nodded.

"Hello, Mr. Rhodes!" Alex waved from the second floor. "Your room is ready, I just cleaned it up."

"Oh, I'll get settled. How about some ice cream then? You do eat ice cream, right Ramona?" Robert asked.

"Yeah, my autism doesn't stop me from eating ice cream," she laughed.

Next to Mr. Rhodes, Vincent's tics were so much more violent, almost like he was always on edge, which in turn made Ramona feel on edge and anxious as well.

When they eventually arrived at the ice cream shop, Robert asked what they would both want to spare them the embarrassment of ordering. The couple was in charge of getting them a table.

"Does he always do this? He tries to stop you from doing things?" Ramona asked.

"Yeah... fuck cunt! He's a little embarrassed I think," Vincent murmured in between tics.

As if the day couldn't get any more awkward, Ramona saw the last face she ever wanted to see leaving the shop. She prayed he wouldn't recognize her, but that would've been too good to be true.

"Ramona? Ramona Wilson!" A tall guy with a dirty blonde wolf cut approached their table and Vincent started twitching even more. "You look so different!"

"I- I know... it's been a while, Matt," she mumbled, avoiding his eyes at all costs.

"Matt? The Matt you told me about?" Vincent whispered.

"Yeah... this is my boyfriend, Vincent. Vince, this is my friend Matt." It was true, they were friends back in high school, they were drama club colleagues and played romantic interests several times. Of course, along the way, Ramona ended up catching feelings, but never had the nerve to make a move.

She crushed on this boy for years until she eventually graduated and moved on, but he was an important part of understanding herself and what she liked. That's why she told Vincent the whole story.

"Nice to meet you!" Matt shook his hand, Vince flipping him off with the other hand.

"Sorry, I have- fuck! I have tourettes," he explained.

"Oh, that's alright. Don't worry about it." The most irritating thing to him was how nice this guy was, he was so sweet and probably would've been a way better boyfriend for Ramona if she ever took a chance on him. He hated feeling so inferior, he hated feeling like he wasn't enough...

"Ramona kept the underwear you left at her house under her pillow!" Vincent blurted out. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't help it and that only made him more sure that he was a horrible partner.

"What?" Matt laughed, thinking he was joking.

"It wasn't under my pillow! It was behind my headboard!" Ramona groaned, not realizing she was just confirming the information.

Matt's eyes grew and he blushed furiously. Everyone in that conversation wanted to disappear or die or both. "You did? Did you have a crush on me or something?"

"Y-yeah... I used to, but I never said anything because you were too unattainable and eventually I just forgot and-" Ramona hid her face behind her hands. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, no, it's okay. I guess it's better than if you did some sort of cloning ritual with it, right?" Matt joked. "I'm glad you are happy, you really deserve it."

"Thanks, it means a lot."

"Sorry, you sick fuck!" Vincent shouted and punched the table.

"It's cool, it was a nice ego boost, I guess. Ramona used to be the hottest girl in class," Matt admitted.

"Used to..." those words felt like a pile of bricks to her.

"Cause she's fat now!" Vincent said and covered his mouth, shaking his head with the most horrified look. "I didn't mean it..."

"I think she still looks gorgeous. You're a very lucky guy," Matt said sincerely. Ramona felt like he didn't mean it, even if he did, but she nodded anyway.

"Thank you," she mumbled.

"I'll see you two around, I'm late for work. Have a good day!" Matt waved before he left.

Vincent was nearly crying when his father brought back their orders. Ramona was just in shock, she couldn't even speak.

"What the hell happened? Somebody died?" Rober asked.

"Yes, my dignity," Ramona grumbled.

"I'm so so sorry, Mona. I love you so much, I hope you know that. I swear on my life!" Vincent cried, the tears finally escaping his eyes.

"What did you do?" His father asked.

"I had a tic and accidentally told Mona's old crush a secret she trusted me with... then I said something about her weight."

"Jesus, why don't you kill her dog for a trifecta?"

"No, it's okay. I know he didn't mean it," Ramona said despite being very sad.

Unable to face any of them, Vincent ran away, Robert was deeply embarrassed and felt for this poor girl having to deal with it.

"I'll get him, just wait here and-"

"No, it's okay, I know where he is," Ramona took their paper cups and left the store.

Just as she imagined, Vincent was at the beach, sitting on top of his hands to stop himself from moving and crying as he watched the sea come and go.

"Hey, you forgot your ice cream," Ramona called, sitting down next to him. "Do you need me to feed you?"

"Stop, don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it," he sniffled.

"Vince, don't say that. Of course you deserve it, you deserve the world and I'm not angry, I know you couldn't help it."

"Doesn't matter... I- fuck I hurt you anyway."

"What hurts me is seeing you like this. I love you, you're the only one that matters. Who cares what Matt thinks? You're a way better kisser anyway," she joked.

"Really?" Vincent laughed while he tried to stop crying.

"Really, no comparison!"

And watching that girl console his kid better than he ever could, Robert took a step back to go into the house again. They would be fine on their own... he trusted Ramona and for the first time in a while, he felt relaxed knowing Vincent was being cared for.

Tag List: @seanfalco @salvador-daley @elliethesuperfruitlover @firstpersonnarrator @badsext

#I’m getting second hand embarrassment #this was so real #love them #the road within vincent #vincent rhodes #the road within #friend fic #fic rec

22 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

A new poem

#poetry #koi fish

9 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

New funny food article 😊

@salvador-daley @super-unpredictable98 @elliethesuperfruitlover

#food #comedy roast #fine dining #eat the rich

7 notes · View notes

badsext · 9 months

Text

Dead Sexy 💀🪦🧡 Updated!

An Umbrella Academy AU feat. Pathologist!Dave + MorgueRegular!Klaus

A/N: You asked for more so… here it is. It would have come sooner, but a certain group of Anonymous dickheads put spanners to my plan. I’m really impressed at just how many of you have already subscribed to this silly little story. Stick around - there’s more in the works. 😘😘

(P.S. For anyone wondering if my other WIPs are on hold, don’t worry - more chapters of Chained and High Altitude are also on the way.)

CW: Description of a post-mortem exam

Dedicated to @kawaiic0mmunism (to whom the whose concept belongs) with thanks to @allisoooon

Summary: Dave is a pathologist working at the city morgue. And Klaus… well, Klaus just keeps turning up.

Snippet from Chapter 2:

Dave scrapes a sample from under each of Klaus’ fingernails, taking care to preserve any evidence that might indicate foul play.

Once the external exam is over, it’s time to check what’s ‘under the hood’, as Bob likes to call it. Dave has always found that turn of phrase off-putting, but there’s really no better way of describing it. Like a car mechanic, he needs to inspect the body’s cogs and gears to see which ones have failed.

Dave reaches for his scalpel and prepares to make his first incision; a deep cut from the front of each shoulder to the bottom of the breastbone, then down into a Y shape, the tail of which will extend from the sternum to the pubic bone, deviating to avoid the navel.

It will be a shame to cut through that tattoo.

He takes a deep breath and places the scalpel upon Klaus’ skin. It’s a strange and rare thing to do this on someone you’ve actually met and spoken to…

Klaus’ eyes pop open. “Hey, handsome!”

Dave leaps away from the autopsy table, flinging his scalpel to one corner of the room and his dictaphone to the other. “Holy fucking Jesus fucking Christ!”

Klaus raises his head. “Nope. Just me.”

Read the rest on AO3

#i love it!#let them bone!#slow burn #the umbrella academy #klave #friend fic #fic rec

40 notes · View notes