beautiful-rosepetals

[beautiful-rosepetals]

one year - a short reflection

this piece is nothing special.

the claddagh ring faces up. i used to wear it up when we were together. i am supposed to give love to myself now, but that is too difficult.

a friend pointed out how much i talk about you, and it’s true.

oh, he bought this for me.

he’d like that art.

i should send that to him.

he likes those clothes.

that reminds me of this one time together.

i know that feeling.

i know. i understand.

i know.

i hate that it’s true, but it feels like you have become just another part of me.

i am obssessed with the idea of seeing that part of you again, the part that made you what i loved. i am obsessed with the idea of you coming back, leaving those horrible people, and allowing everything to shift into its old way of living. i am obsessed with the idea of being able to do everything we once wanted together, with the same person i fell in love with.

these thoughts consume me daily. they have never ceased, never faded, but i have learned to live with them peacefully as i have with my sadness. they come and go throughout the day, and i listen, and i move on.

deep down i don’t think i will move on. it has been a year, and i feel that nothing has changed.

although i feel that way, i know have changed. the boy i am has always been much too mature for his age, but now, i allow the little girl in my heart out to cry. she sobs and grieves for the life she never got, and i allow her, and i help her.

she never wore the pink raincoat until last thursday. i told you she did, but i lied. i told you she loved it, she promises, and that was the truth. she wore it last thursday, and they both touched the little pink bears and smiled, telling her it’s cute. the girl in me cried that day. you knew who i was before i did.

last thursday, if i was alone, i would have been sobbing. my love held my hand for hours as we talked, quieted, and fell asleep. i feel that a part of my heart, the very heart that has been slowly shattering, was bandaged that day.

every day, my dear reminds me that he loves me, loves everything i have to say, loves being around me, could talk to me forever. it was a change i didn’t expect to happen so suddenly, but a welcome one nonetheless.

if it wasn’t for my loves, i would not have learned how incredible affection can be. one held my hand while the other listened, and in that time, i have still cried less tears than the amount of love i believe i am incapable of sharing.

the above is not romantic. i do not know if it will ever be. i do not know if i want it to be. i do not know if it should be. i have never felt a love so pure, so sweet, yet still platonic.

i believe you were the first to show me that same love, and i will never regret you being the first. but i watched you fade away over four months, and i am terrified of that happening again, for it is one thing to have life stripped away in an instant, but another to grieve a life still walking.

the last month has been hard; i have been exhausted. i am restless, i am tired, i am at peace, and i am terrified. there is not a day that goes by where i do not think about what i have lost: a whole life that once stood behind me.

i have always struggled with grief, but this has enveloped me more than any other feeling. in a strange way, it is a part of my personality and who i am. i am terrified of silence and i cannot sleep sound, yet i still wear these fond memories on my wrists every day. i do believe i am depressed, i am grieving, but i am at peace with how i feel. i do not fight it.

the only thing that has changed in a year is that i am accepting who i am.

i am at peace with my sadness.

i allow it to consume me.

i move on afterwards.

let the cycle repeat.

i still wonder how you knew who i was before i knew. i wear these clothes and bracelets proudly, when i used to be nervous to be myself.

i still wonder where that boy went. he is in my dreams, but perhaps he was only a dream the last three years.

#songs linked: promise; one way mirror; euthanasia; temporary nothing #i think this is something i just want to share with you and the world #grief is a funny thing #and i have so much more i didn’t share #but i don’t feel i am alone in this feeling #love #lovecore #breakup #breakup vent #vent #platonic love #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #trans #transgender #reflection #grief #grief journal #grief art #vent art #poetry #poem #vent poem #writing #short story #story #original story #original art #digital art

[beautiful-rosepetals]

the lead of a pencil is to a scalpal stuck in creases of my brain

rip a paper tear my flesh

rip my tongue out tear my words

in a single tear that drips i swallow my heart

#vent poem

[beautiful-rosepetals]

18 days

#vent

[beautiful-rosepetals]

never mind lol

#vent

[beautiful-rosepetals]

literally just pulled this from twitter i wish i was here rn

[beautiful-rosepetals]

so my crush and i were at lunch today right, and he sits down next to me right as i'm pulling out a copy of Sherlock Holmes (yes the one written in 1903, i'm a nerd) to show one of my other friends a funny quote

he grabs it from me and opens it to a random page, and says:

"ohh, this is one of those old fashioned books. i like to read them in a super seductive voice, cause it makes it that much funnier."

then. then. THEN he leans OVER MY SHOULDER and reads this random ass passage in The Voice ™

and yall. i liked his voice before. but DAMN

it really didnt help with the whole "yeah i'm not supposed to have a crush on you anymore but now you're leaning over my shoulder and i cant fucking think"

WHAT

i would have lost my mind omg 😭😭

(nice taste in books btw 😌)

#I KNOW WHY YOU REBLOGGED THIS BABE #I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.

[beautiful-rosepetals]

open that chest girl let me see that beating heart

#dead account lol #this is so hashtag lovecore

[beautiful-rosepetals]

always with you

[beautiful-rosepetals]

#me and my partner have these exact lockets!!! :d #lovecore #thinking of you

[beautiful-rosepetals]

hey, let's sit on your windowsills every 11:30pm while most of the city's fast asleep. we can stare at the stars rooted in the skies above and in the buildings below in silence. let's always take train rides to nowhere while one of us sits in weirdly angled positions that could almost guarantee a trip to the doctor but it's okay because the other person is sleeping in the sweetest dreamlands. let's never repeat the mistakes of our past and strive to always be better, for ourselves and for each other. you don't have to clean if you're tired, i'll take your makeup off for you. let's make this last and hey, won't you be mine forever?

#lovecore #soulmate #gonna start actually adding stuff to my tags lol #anyway babe i’m gonna cry look #i literally don’t stop thinking about doing this stuff aaa #please marry me

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ happy eight months to my wonderous angel ♡

#lovecore #soulmate #<3 #you’re my everything

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ you’re more precious than the universe ♡

#lovecore #<3 #you’re my everything

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ “best day ever!” you say every other day ♡

♡ and that’s when my stresses fade away ♡

#lovecore #soulmate #<3 #cute!! #look babe!! :d

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ baby, i would do anything to make sure you feel appreciated for the hours of effort you put in making each of my days perfect ♡

#lovecore #soulmate #you’re my everything

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ seriously, just hearing your happiness makes me go wild ♡

#lovecore #soulmate #<3

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ holy heaven, i think i’m in love with the most adorable person ever ♡

#lovecore #soulmate #cute!! #you’re my everything

[beautiful-rosepetals]

♡ maybe i feel like this all the time, but it’s something we can do for each other ♡

Every time you're hurting, i wish i could wrap my arms around you and hold you as long as you need.

#lovecore #thinking of how much i love you #i’ll always be here