beingdreeyore

[beingdreeyore]

The day has been so full and yet I haven't really done anything.

I did my usual morning no-work routine and then decided to take my chances on the gym. It's a public holiday so it would either be overflowing or empty. Through some stroke of luck it was empty and I lost two hours of my morning to weights and cardio without having to acknowledge that I share the planet with other humans. I lost myself in an audiobook on caffeine and opium, and am now questioning just how detrimental to my health my caffeine intake is to my health.

And that's really all I've done today. I'm tired from a week of hard exercise but also aware that this is my annual leave - if I don't do something then I'm wasting the time. But it's Anzac Day and I don't have plans. Maybe I should've?

The day is loaded with memories and it can be a tricky one. The best and the worst of the J debacle played out two Anzac Days in a row, so it was not surprising to find him on my mind today. Just another man who inflicted unnecessary hurt and disappeared. It's not worth giving the energy of thought to. But it's on my mind all the same. I push it down, tuck it back into the far recesses of my mind that it tried to crawl out from, and carry on. Painfully aware that even after all this time the phone is still silent. Always silent.

I went for a walk in the sunshine and wrote a million posts in my head, but now that I'm here typing the words have vanished. I already used them and then released them from my mind. Now? Now I don't even know what I want to say. What am I even really feeling in all this mess of silence and men who vanished? And why are my hips so goddam sore?!

I'm okay. I'm doing better than I was on Tuesday. The light is reappearing through sheer hardwork and determination. They can be on my mind but life goes on and the to do lists need ticking off anyway. The gym has been helping. My joints ache and my body is exhausted with how much the gym has been helping. But it's necessary.

So I don't know what to say other than it's another day off, the to do list is done, and now I have to skilfully juggle the thoughts in my brain. I'm okay. I'm always okay. But there are times I get really tired of reminding myself of that. This is one of those times.

[beingdreeyore]

I don't know if it was med school, residency, depression, or just the general and ever-increasing stresses of adulthood, but I feel like my potential for creativity and creation is dried up. I try to write, but I don't want to. I try to paint, but I don't want to. I went to all the trouble of hauling my old piano into the new house, yet I've touched it maybe 5 times. I was artistic once. I don't know where that part of me went. I am just so mentally exhausted all the time! All I have the cognitive bandwidth for is staring into space or sleeping.

[beingdreeyore]

[beingdreeyore]

3 core beliefs of be kind be weird eat berries

[beingdreeyore]

[beingdreeyore]

how it feels to make dumb little posts on my silly little blog

[beingdreeyore]

I made this for lunch and I have to say it was much better tasting than I could've expected from a salad that is chicken and kale.

[beingdreeyore]

Hi, I saw your post about your ex (S) and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this kind of experience or with the emotions you are feeling. I have struggled to emotionally move on from both of my two previous partners. It took about 6 years to fully get over the first relationship, and I'm still working on moving on from my most recent ex-partner. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do but it seems as if you are very self-aware, intelligent and have done a lot of hard work to move on from S as best you can. Please acknowledge that progress alongside the emotions you're struggling with post birthday-contact. I'm in awe of the life you have built for yourself and the relationship you have with you. At the end of the day it is the most important relationship you'll ever have. Sending birthday hugs xo

This was such a lovely message to receive. It made me a little teary in the best way, so thank you x

I'm sorry though that you have been through something similar. It's strange the hold they can have on us long after they are gone. I guess the thing with S the ex though is that he never really lets himself get far enough into my past that I can completely move on... I wonder how long it would really take if he did...?

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm a little vulnerable today so they were very much appreciated. I'm getting sunshine, making healthy (but delicious) foods, and trying to distract with tasks I actually enjoy. I hope you get some peace and joy today too.

S xx

[beingdreeyore]

I couldn't shake the low-grade anxiety or restlessness this morning, so I went for a walk. A long, purposeless walk in the sunshine with Ben Harper keeping me company. If you know me, then you know that usually when my mood and mind are in this place I like the weather to reflect it, but today I was grateful for the sunshine. My mind replayed so many different memories, different people, places. I couldn't tell you what the focus was, other than just knowing that I had to keep walking until it all died down a little.

Home now and there is leftover cake to eat. I've hit my step and energy goal for the day and it's only just after 10am. What do I do with the rest of the day now?

I already know the answer: all the life admin I've been putting off and telling myself I don't have time to complete due to work. All that stuff now needs to be sorted out. Maybe it will be a good distraction...

After all these years and after knowing how it will always play out, how does it still hurt so much and leave me so unsettled?

[beingdreeyore]

I didn't share with you at the time, but I heard from S the ex the day before my birthday. It was the first time in forever. I don't even have his number in my phone anymore but I recognised it the second my screen lit up.

He messaged to ask when my birthday was. He wrote that he realised he should know by now, but he doesn't.

"Tomorrow." That's all I said. He asked to clarify the actual date. "22."

That was the full extent of the communication.

I've worked hard to cleanse my life of him. Again. It's not easy. There's something about him... I think I need it to not have been a colossal waste of time. Twice. But it was. So each time he reappears, I think "is this it? Is it real this time? Is this when it will all make sense?"

He never contacted me for my birthday. He messaged to ask when it was, clarified it, and then disappeared into the ether. I had prepared myself for that. I knew this would be the case. In 8 years of loving him he has never once remembered my birthday. He's always busy at work. Or at the dentist. Or something came up. Or he was too busy working on a script. I knew I wouldn't hear from him.

And yet...

At 8pm last night I broke down and cried. I don't even know why. I have worked so hard to be rid of him and to build a life that makes me happy, even if it doesn't look how I wanted it to. But last night I just wanted someone to want to share these things with me. I wanted someone who wanted to eat cake and go out for lunch and just smile at the world for no other reason than it was my birthday. I was doing so well and then he has to reappear with his nonsense.

I'm okay. I'm a little sad today, but fine. I just can't help but wonder if there is ever going to be a day when all the damage he did really finally stops hurting.

[beingdreeyore]

[beingdreeyore]

[beingdreeyore]

Oh wow.

The dance studio closing down was definitely not on my 2024 bingo card.

Processing the news...

[beingdreeyore]

I lied.

I have just been to the gym. Even though I said I wouldn’t…

It’s new program day! I couldn’t help myself!

I regret nothing.

[beingdreeyore]

It's my birthday!

And I have two whole weeks off work to do nothing but potter around the house, go to the gym, and study for my next round of exams.

Treating myself to a day off from the gym today because my body is aching and demanding it. I'll head out somewhere for lunch, but not sure where yet. I ordered myself a birthday cake because I really wanted one and it's been so many years since I last had one. I treated myself to a bottle of champagne because birthdays are for champagne and cake (yes, breaking my sobriety just for the day... My guess is two glasses and I am down for a nap...).

I'm doing all the things I'd want to do with someone else, but I'm doing them solo AND I'm okay.

41 was the year I finally accepted that I'll never have children and maybe I won't ever have another relationship either. I made some HUGE steps into building a life that is cozy even if there is only ever just me in it.

I'm hoping 42 is the year that I get my health and fitness back to an intimidating level (I know what that sounds like. And yes, I mean it) and get through the last major assessment hurdles between me and psychiatry fellowship. It may also be the year I finally give in and get botox across my enormous forehead... We'll see.

Happy birthday to me!

[beingdreeyore]

#it's on repeat #I can't stop #this song

[beingdreeyore]

tumblr is great because no matter how many followers i get it doesn't stop me from being really fucking annoying. other places i will perhaps think before i post. Not here. not here