bigendering

[bigendering]

Pronouns and dysphoria

At this point I've been out as bigender for a long time. Almost eight years. During a lot of those, the last few especially, I've been pretty isolated, with most of my interactions being online, in very inclusive spaces. I also physically transitioned via hrt to the point that my voice at least is androgynous, leaning masculine. Add very curly short-ish lopsided hair, and I can usually get gendered as male or female whenever I want, depending on how I dress.

The result is, the vast majority of the time, I'm gendered correctly. My friends all use my preferred pronouns, the communities I spend a lot of time in use my preferred pronouns, and elsewhere on the internet I'm either not gendered or gendered arbitrarily, since I'm just a talking username. The last place I lived, everyone was trans and used my preferred pronouns, and now that I live with my partner, I'm still always gendered correctly at home. Out in the wild, people gender me as male and female depending on my presentation. Often I'll get both in one day. Since I'm m/f bigender, this gives me a lot of gender euphoria. I don't mind being perceived as one or the other as long as it averages out. Not everyone is like that, but apparently I am.

So I've become a lot more chill with pronouns now. Now that I'm not constantly being misgendered (as one gender rather than the other), I don't have a lot of dysphoria. The years-long break from dysphoria has allowed me to build up resilience to being misgendered, so even if someone does misgender me or perceive me in a way that makes me dysphoric, I can get over it quickly. It's more of a passing thing, rather than a week-ruining calamity. I still have dysphoria about other things - I very rarely present in public without binding - but much less.

Mostly I use any pronouns now. Not officially, but I just kinda let people gender me however they want, if they're not being an ass about it. I don't specify my pronouns in online spaces, so if someone does use other ones accidentally or because they forgot, they don't have to worry about having misgendered me.

I've also been thinking about using se/er pronouns. When I first came out as bigender, I didn't realize I was plural, so I was all mixed up with two other masculine alters. Together, especially with me as the main fronter, we're pretty balanced, but on my own I lean a lot more fem(me). My masculine gender is still a very important part of my identity, and while I identify as femme and feminine, female is not one of my genders. So she/her isn't the best set for me, but something adjacent, like femme is to female, makes a lot of sense. So I might start using se/er. We'll see.

Sapphire

#dysphoria #misgendering #pronouns #bigender #nonbinary #presentation

[bigendering]

Hello again

So obviously, I did not get to answering everyone's asks 10 months ago like I promised. I feel terrible.

The truth is, I've actively been in crisis to greater and lesser extents for the last... year and a half? And since queer identities stopped being a special interest doing things on this blog has required a lot more energy.

So while I do want to be active on this blog, I can't make any promises. Answering asks will be extremely irregular. Sorry.

My autism is very arbitrarily deciding what my brain will agree to do when, hence me suddenly posting on this blog. I may be out for another year after this, or maybe I'll get more active again!

I really want to make a FAQ page and a resources page, for people who are just looking for basics or somewhere to start. But again, that takes spoons, and right now I have 0 unless The Autism decides that's what I'm doing now. So that's a long term goal, but again, no promises.

[bigendering]

I feel bad about making posts without answering anyone's messages or asks but I haven't felt quite up to that yet. I promise I will get to them this week!

[bigendering]

VOTE!!!

Wherever you are, if you can, vote!

I know a lot of people feel jaded about voting, like it doesn't matter or it's participating in a system you don't believe is helping. Both of those beliefs are valid and have their roots in truth. But please remember:

the people you hate in power don't want you to vote

The reason voting is so pointless is because people have worked very hard, over decades, to make sure your vote won't count. Because they're terrified that if enough people like you vote, that it will make a difference. They know it will make a difference. That's why districts are gerrymandered to hell and why things keep getting blocked up in the Senate, which is the less representative chamber of congress.

So voting when you're opposed to people in power isn't just voting. It's protesting.

Don't like the party in power? Vote for the opposition, or a third party, and show that there's a little more support for them than people thought. Show other people in your district that there are others like them, who think like them and will vote with them if they vote too.

If you really don't think your vote can make a difference, then use it to say something. Yes, it's only one tiny vote out of millions. But it's still recorded. People can see it. You want to be heard? People are listening, people are looking, at how you vote. And if almost no one is voting for the person you support, then one vote makes a big difference in that record.

This doesn't mean voting will solve everything. Protesting in other ways, mutual aid, calling representatives, showing up to town hall meetings, talking to people, are all important too. But you can do those and still vote, too.

Also, don't just vote in the presidential election, or just the presidential and gubernatorial elections. Vote in local elections. Your vote actually matters a lot more there, and local government makes a lot of decisions that will directly affect you.

Obviously this is specifically aimed at people in the US, but the core principle applies to people in all countries. Authoritarians don't want you to vote, because voting is an exercise in power and making your voice heard. So even if there's no point in voting to actually elect someone, vote in protest.

#vote #voting #politics #go vote #please vote #vote in protest #protesting #trans rights #trans rights are human rights

[bigendering]

#comic #art #bigender #names #pronouns #presentation #cissexism #intro

[bigendering]

Happy Pride Month, bigender people!

Celebrate both your genders

Celebrate not having to choose

Celebrate the beautiful person the combination creates

#bigender #pride month #pride month 2022

[bigendering]

Happy Pride Month!

I hope if you came out this month it went well

If it didn't go well, know that you are still loved, and there's a whole community here for you

If you're still closeted, know that there are so many people like you who are out and accepted by those around them, and someday that can be you too

I hope everyone met more people in our community, learned more about our history and diversity, or just had a good time

Now for the rest of the year, stay proud, stay strong, stay queer

#pride month 2022 #pride month #pride #queer

[bigendering]

Hello again

Every time I come back to this blog I'm like "hi sorry it's been several months, spoons have been hard" and then I immediately vanish again, so at this point I'm not going to even try promising anything else. I answered most of the asks in my inbox but still have a few left that I ran out of brain for, so apologies to those people.

I started this blog when I had just realized I was bigender, and kind of liveblogged figuring things out, and made a lot of community posts and answered asks, and then after some years felt like I kind of ran out of material. I didn't feel like I was having anything new related to gender happen, and positivity posts get pretty repetitive after awhile, so I mostly was answering asks. Which is great! Until life happened and I stopped being in a good place to answer asks anymore.

I'm autistic, and one thing I've realized about myself is that when I don't do something regularly, it both becomes harder to do and gives me anxiety to pick up again, especially if it's something that causes anxiety in the first place (and answering asks well and making good posts can be intimidating, though I do enjoy it). So that's been a barrier to coming back to this blog.

The good thing is, I already did come back once, and answered a bunch of asks, which means there's less pressure and it's less "new" to my brain. So maybe I actually will become regularly active again. I also feel like I have more gender thoughts again, so I have something to post about besides research I don't have spoons to do. I've also been away for so long that I can fill this blog up for awhile catching up on whatever's been happening in the community, and positivity posts can stand repeating after a few years.

So, no promises, but hope?

Also given that I've become so inactive, I realize that one potential solution would be to invite another mod to this blog to answer asks when I'm gone. I did think about the possibility some years ago, but I decided never to do that. I like being a resource, but this blog does still remain a personal blog, a place for me to talk about my gender, and it reflects my views. I'm most comfortable restricting access to myself only, knowing that every post on this blog is something I stand behind at the time of posting, and not feeling like I have to compromise with another mod in case of a disagreement.

As I've said, no promises, but I would like to add an FAQ and list of other bigender blogs to my page so that even when I'm not here, people can have more easily accessible places to go for answers. For now though, I am tired, and here is an update.

Sapphire

#update #me

[bigendering]

heyo, i've been identifying as bigender for a little while, and i've been trying to look for names that i would stay comfortable with when experiencing both of my genders. at this point, i think i'd rather use two names instead of one, but i feel like that would confuse a lot of people- like my peers and family. so, how do you fare with using two names? and how did you explain it to people?

Do you want to use them both together, or one in some situations and the other in others, or one when you're feeling one gender and the other when you're the other, or just both whenever? That's a lot of scenarios, but I think the answer varies between them, so I'll break them down.

If you want to use a double name, you can just say that's what you want to be called. If you want to explain why, that would help people understand and probably encourage them to use it, but you can also just have that expectation, and enforce it. I have a cis friend who has a double name and has trouble getting people to use it, but people can get used to it if they get over themselves.

If you want one name used sometimes and the other at other times, I think you'll have to remind people a lot if they see you in both situations, but they'll get used to it, especially if you nickname the names, like "my work name and my home name" (for example). Categorizations and rules and rationalizations help people. If people don't see you in multiple situations, you can just introduce yourself as whatever name you want to use and they'll call you that, which is pretty simple. If later they encounter another name situation, they'll usually be able to adjust pretty quickly with everyone else calling you the other name.

Wanting one name with one gender and another with the other gender is the hardest one I think, unless you perceptibly change your presentation along with your gender. You'll need to have some indication of which name you want people to use, whether that's something like a bracelet or them asking and you telling. Presenting it as different versions of yourself is helpful, but you'll also probably need to do a lot of reminding and enforcing until people get used to it.

If you just want both names used, no conditions on when, I think it would help to tell people it's like a nickname. People named Joshua are often called both Joshua and Josh depending on what people feel like, and they can do the same with your names. You'll probably end up with various people mostly calling you one name or the other, but if you're okay with that you can always introduce yourself using the less used name and things will balance out over time.

Hope this helps!

Sapphire

#ask #anon #names #two names

[bigendering]

Is it okay for a bigender (boy and girl) to also use the terms demigirl and demiboy?

Yep! There's a lot of overlap between gender identities, so you can use several if you like them and feel like they fit.

#bigender #demigirl #demiboy #ask #anon

[bigendering]

are you a terf? Identify as trixic but multiple people are saying that i shouldnt because the creator of trixic is a terf

lol no. I've been inactive on this blog for quite a while (sorry! Spoons and anxiety have not been kind) and was made aware of this yesterday. A bunch of people, including me, in a nonbinary discord server came up with the terms trixic and toric together, and I made the coining post. No one involved was a terf, and we're all very anti-terf.

Apparently trixic got picked up by terfs in twitter a few years ago and was being shoved onto nonbinary lesbians in an effort to push them out of the lesbian community. Obviously that's unacceptable, and not at all how the word was intended to be used. Besides the fact that the closer analogous term to trixic is sapphic, trixic was simply created as an additional word for people to use. The group we had most in mind was people who already don't identify as sapphic or lesbian, and want a term that indicates their interest in women while specifying that they're nonbinary, though of course people can also identify as trixic and sapphic/lesbian simultaneously, or switch to trixic if they find it to be a better fit. There's no reason for people who are happy identifying as nonbinary lesbians to stop doing so, and anyone who doesn't want to use trixic doesn't have to.

I will also add that trixic sees a good amount of usage among nonbinary people who aren't terfs, including people who identify as sapphic and/or lesbian as well. It is by no means a terf word, and if you find it useful, that's great! That's why we made it.

Sapphire

#trixic #discourse #terf tw #transphobia tw #ask #anon

[bigendering]

is it ok to be bigender but not have dysphoria? I'm fine with a female body and female parts, but still feel mentally and emotionally feel bigender.

Yep! Lots of bigender people (and other nonbinary people, and binary trans people) don't want to medically transition, and that doesn't make them any less trans.

#bigender #ask #anon #dysphoria #trans #validation

[bigendering]

Hey, thanks for your analysis of the situation with the creator of the bigender flag. I overall agree, although I'd like to push back against your assumption that this person has necessarily recanted their anti-trans man views. Unfortunately I've seen some non-binary people express fairly transphobic views towards trans men, and I think this is a blindspot for many people as they feel that also being trans gives them a pass. In general I'd like to see more recognition that this is a problem.

I think in this case, having a non-binary identity is totally compatible with feeling that trans men have betrayed womanhood or are otherwise morally compromised. I've had non-binary people question my identity to my face because "What does it even mean to identify with the oppressor class?" or, in other cases, degender me. It's very transphobic and people rarely address it.

And when I talk to other trans men, I often hear that they've witnessed cases where non-binary friends get colder towards someone who's come out as a trans man. Hell, I've noticed cases myself. For certain people it's more palatable if an AFAB person identifies as non-binary and dissociates from manhood as much as possible, which isn't to detract from the fact that it's hard to be non-binary and many people are shitty about it.

That's a good point. As a side note, I wonder if people like that are accepting of bigender people who identify as men and women, which is quite common in the bigender community, since the creator specifically made a bigender flag, rather than just a nonbinary flag. But that's more tangential to the issue you're bringing up.

I'm mostly in nonbinary and queer spaces as opposed to spaces with a lot of trans men, so I wasn't aware this was a thing. I don't really have much to say other than I'm sorry that this happens, it's obviously unacceptable, and thank you for bringing it to my attention. I know that viewing men and masculinity as bad is a problem in the pride community, and that trans men are often seen as gender traitors by terfs, but I didn't realize that antagonism towards trans men was such a common attitude among nonbinary people specifically.

For anyone who needs to hear it: masculinity is not bad, maleness is not bad, and men are not bad. If you are masculine, male, and/or a man, partially or fully, that's something to be celebrated, not hated.

We can talk about the patriarchy and all the problems it causes somewhere else, but manhood itself is never the problem. Being masculine, male, or a man doesn't make you a bad person, and if a man is a bad person, it's not because he's a man, it's because of the intersection of his personality and how society has taught him it is acceptable to behave.

Sapphire

#transandromisia #transantagonism #transphobia #nonbinary #discourse #masculinity #anon #submission

[bigendering]

Hey i'm kinda confused here- sometimes i feel like a boy, somtimes girl, usually both but idk if its just the stuff i do or something else- im like so confused rn.

It sounds like you're genderfluid. Gender can change depending on a lot of factors, or just randomly. You may find that there are certain triggers that cause a gender shift, or not, but tracking it in a journal can help.

Hope this helps!

Sapphire

#ask #anon #genderfluid

[bigendering]

As someone who is AFAB and uses any pronouns, would I be considered a MLM?

Is your gender male in some way and do you like men? If so, yes! You don’t have to be considered mlm if that doesn’t ring true for you, but you certainly can.

#mlm #achillean #nonbinary

[bigendering]

I've seen quite a few different flags for bi-gender and was wondering which was the official one or do we have more than one if so does anyone have a list of them?

There’s no “official” flag because there isn’t an organization that makes decisions on behalf of the bigender community, but these are the most commonly used bigender flags:

The second is I believe still the most popular, but there was some concern about the creator so a lot of people have moved away from it in favor of the first. I also like the first better because it’s more intuitively inclusive of bigender people who aren’t male and female specifically. Some day I’ll make a nice post with all of the bigender flags floating around the internet, but as a start, here are some:

a bunch of flags, some with color meanings and sources: part 1, part 2

a bunch of flags

a bunch of flags, with info on the discourse about the second flag

a recolor of the first flag

#bigender #flags #bigender flags #ask #anon

[bigendering]

Im bigender and biromantic but im only sexually attracted to men, would that make me mlm?

If one of your genders is male, yes, you could identify that way. It depends on how you see your gender and how it relates to your orientation. This may not be a concern, but I also want to point out that lack of sexual attraction to other genders doesn’t make you any less bi, and being sexually attracted to men isn’t the single defining aspect here.

Hope this helps!

Sapphire

#ask #anon #bigender #mlm #bi