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CTV Sweet Sixteen

Left Side

Samantha twitches and Witchiepoo laughs. Billie Hayes is an amazing actress! This match-up is fixed in Witchiepoo’s favor by me because she’s so great! Samantha is able to recall a spell, with mother Endora’s help, too late. Witchiepoo captured Freddie Flute with the help of Orson and Seymour and used Freddie’s power of melody to lock Samantha in a two-story house in a forgotten suburb.

Wonder Woman, flying in her invisible plane over Cocoa Beach immediately gets the attention of Major Anthony Nelson, who spots her amazing cleavage. Observing Tony’s reaction to sighting Wonder Woman, Jeannie blinks Wonder Woman to ancient Egypt. Diana recovers from this, but not in time to win the tournament.

4 Witchiepoo 2 Jeannie

The starship Enterprise slingshots around the sun again and this time lands circa 1958, in Comic Book Land. This is too crazy for Kirk and McCoy, who go off to Kirk’s quarters to have a few glasses of Saurian brandy after sending Spock down to explore. Clark Kent immediately notices Spock’s ears and spins into his Superman uniform (license fee paid to Wonder Woman). Spock appears to be an alien unlike himself, he looks different from humans! Superman rushes Spock and begins beating the life out of him. Spock bleeds. He bleeds green. As iron is in our blood, so is kryptonite in Vulcan blood. The harder Superman hits, the more Vulcan blood he splashes onto himself, the weaker he gets until Spock finds the strength to fight back! Spock starts beating the crap out of Superman, with green blood and red blood splashing everywhere, it’s a Christmas miracle! Spock wins.

After Grandpa concocts a pill to send Batman into the afterlife in place of Herman, Batman defeats the Hoards of Afterlife in a 12-part miniseries and seeks vengence. Herman, with what is quickly becoming his signature move, falls off of his platform shoes and lands on Batman. Batman is not dead, however, because that was not Batman! Batman somehow pulled a full-size stuffed doll of himself out of his cape and stood it up in his place and no one noticed. With Herman prostrate on the ground, Batman needed only to spray him with some Munster Repellant and the victory was secure.

4 Spock 6 Batman

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CTV Round of 32 Right Side

COWBOYS

Reese Bennett has a few too many beers in a saloon in Laredo and starts bad-mouthing President Grant. Playing death games in James West and Artimus Gordon’s coolest ever home, a train caboose that can traverse the country in the mid-to-late 1870s, Jim and Artie get a homing pigeon message that Reese Bennett is a low-down traitor and must be stopped before he tells any more truths about the president. Jim stealthily infiltrates the Laredo saloon to find Reese passed out at the bar. Jim and Artie celebrate Jim’s advancement in the tournament, but are chagrined to see their dates leave with Chad Cooper and Joe Riley.

At a poker game in Tombstone, Bret Maverick slips an ace out of his sleeve, cheating Wyatt Earp and winning the pot. Wyatt angrily bangs his fist on the table and calls Bret out into the street. Bret tries a few schemes over several episodes to get out of it, but eventually faces Wyatt down. Wyatt takes so long to reach his gun, which is hanging on his leg and not his hip because that’s supposed to be cool, that Bret easily guns him down.

Bat Masterson nervously laughs and suggests he might put up a fight and then concedes to Lucas McCain.

There are 30 minutes of Matt Dillon and Josh Randall not even meeting before their confrontation, but somehow Matt makes sense and Josh reforms from not really being a bad guy and we feel good. Matt wins because America invented TV dinners.

1 James West 5 Bret Maverick

3 Lucas McCain 2 Matt Dillon

GIRLS NEXT DOOR, MOVIE STARS and SECRET AGENTS

The much anticipated island rescue happens which generates a lot of publicity for Mary Ann, but we judges, meaning me, still feel that Bobbie Jo Bradley is the prettiest and most awesome.

Agent 99 and Ann Marie are both smart, cool and pretty. Ann Marie has a real drag for a boyfriend and Agent 99 has a hipper, if stupid, boyfriend. Ann Marie wins because who their boyfriends are doesn’t matter and she has a wicked left hook that Agent 99 never saw coming.

Elly May Clampett throws Donna Stone into the cement pond. Donna rises up and makes Elly May a memory.

Wrangler Jane hitches a ride on the starship Enterprise during two of its many slingshots around the sun, and flies through time and space to a mid-1960s island and kills Ginger Grant in her hut because she believes Ginger and Captain Wilton Parmenter are having an affair. Who knew such a thing was possible? I didn’t. It’s too ridiculous. Ginger wins.

1 Bobbie Jo Bradley 5 Ann Marie

3 Donna Stone 2 Ginger Grant

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CTV Round of 32 Left Side

SUPER WOMEN

The Flying Nun hovers far above Samantha Stephens, not sure how flying is going to help her here, when Samantha twitches her nose and freezes time. Outside of time, in her own time bubble, Samantha recalls and recites a flying spell, because two can play at that game, and flys up to Sister Bertrille. Twitching her nose again, Samantha pops a pair of scissors into her hand and cuts the sides of Sister Bertrille’s habit off. Floating back to earth, Samantha untwitches time and Sister Bertrille falls to her death. But not to worry, she gets better and ends up in a big hit movie co-starring Bert Reynolds. Samantha Stephens moves on.

Witchiepoo flys her broom handle into Lily Munster’s chest and moves on. Wow. That was the fastest result in the history of CTV sports! And don’t worry, Lily will come ali… come undead again after Grandpa bravely sacrifices Herman’s life by concocting a pill that sends him to the afterlife in place of Lily.

Out for a joy ride in her invisible plane, Diana Prince, as Wonder Woman is crashed into by Jaime Sommers, The Bionic Woman, who has taken a series of jumps away from Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man, because, frankly, due to his bionics he has developed a fear of showering that has led to some serious BO. Believing this to be an attack, Diana throttles Jaime to within an inch of her life because she’s freaking Wonder Woman and Jaime just has some metal limbs and good hearing. But, Jaime reasons with Diana, telling her Steve Trevor, the 90 year-old veteran can benefit from bionic hearing, sight and limbs. Diana buys that Jaime is a test subject for this new medical science and releases her, winning the conflict and moving on in a tournament she doesn’t even know she’s in.

The sneaky Selina Kyle has put in place a plot to win the first round by trapping Jeannie before the tournament and preventing her from showing up, making Selina the winner by default. Visiting NASA as Russian Space Ambassador, Katerina Kitka, Selina arranges for a meeting, and a date, with Major Anthony Nelson. Jeannie, enraged with jealousy, blinks herself 3-inches tall and hides in a pencil cup on Tony’s desk to spy on them. When Tony clumsily trips over his chair, careens into a coatrack and falls on Selina, knocking her to the ground and tearing open her blouse a little bit to the joy of 13-year old boys watching TV everywhere, Selina lithely recovers, pulls out the pencils from the cup and covers the cup with her hand, trapping Jeannie. When Roger Healey clumsily bursts into the room and knocks Selina down, Jeannie is released and blinks Roger to Alaska, Tony to the North Pole and Selina into, ironically, especially since Jeannie doesn’t know Katarina is Selina is Catwoman, an ordinary house cat. Selina darts away out the door. Irony upon irony, when Selina doesn’t show up for the tournament, Jeannie wins the first round.

1 Samantha Stephens 4 Witchiepoo

3 Wonder Woman 2 Jeannie

SUPER MEN

Clark Kent visits the Addams family to do a story on whether Thing is a disembodied hand somehow flitting around from box to box (no) or is an exceptionally handsome man with a soothing voice that the Addams’ just can’t bear the sight and sound of, but whose talents as a problem solver prove of such value that they’ve built a series of basement to higher-floor-access box lids (yes). When Lurch crushes Clark’s favorite hat, he spin-changes (license fee paid to Wonder Woman) into Superman and uses his heat vision to melt Lurch’s face off. The Addams’ approve of Lurch’s new look and offer to pay for Clark’s hat blocking. Superman wins. I guess.

The starship Enterprise slingshots around the sun again and this time settles circa 1973. A landing party beams down to observe the beginnings of bionic prosthetics. Kirk and McCoy are supoenaed to appear at the Watergate hearings, leaving Spock to do some tricorder readings on Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. With his bionic eye, Steve spots Spock’s pointy ears. He sees them with his other eye, too, but whatever. Fearing an invasion from another planet because Oscar Goldman thinks it’s going to happen and Steve is kind of dumb, he leaps at Spock, raising his bionic arm to strike! Fortunately, for Spock, Steve is moving in slow motion, providing ample time for him to aply the Vulcan neck pinch.

Exigius Twelve and a Half turns invisible and reads Batman’s mind. He finds Silver St. Cloud’s phone number and leaves to call her for a date because that’s more important than this stupid tournament. Batman moves on.

Herman Munster meets… the Hulk! in, “Lo, There Shall Be a Part 2!” Herman proves to be so unwittingly adorable that the Hulk is too amused to be angry. This leads to the transformation of the Hulk back to David Banner. Herman falls off of his platform shoes and crushes David. David’s eyes go green for a moment, then flicker and die. But not to worry, David recovers from death with the help of Reed and Franklin Richards and the Negative Zone. This recovery has the added bonus of curing David’s, who is now calling himself Bruce, Bruce’s gamma-irradiated cells. He is normal once more! Until the Thing misunderstands something and fights him, triggering a latent mutated gene, turning Bruce back into the Hulk just in time to end part 1 and whet our appetites for part 2, “If I Misunderstand You, Why Must I Kill You?” Oh, and Herman Munster advances.

1 Superman 4 Spock

6 Batman 7 Herman Munster

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Classic TV Mini Bracket

Left Side

SUPER WOMEN

1 Samantha Stephens 8 Sister Bertrille, The Flying Nun

4 Witchiepoo 5 Lily Munster

3 Diana Prince, Wonder Woman 6 Jaime Sommers, The Bionic Woman

2 Jeannie 7 Selina Kyle, Catwoman

SUPER MEN

1 Clark Kent, Superman 8 Lurch

4 Spock 5 Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man

3 Martin O’hara, Exigius Twelve and a Half 6 Bruce Wayne, Batman

2 David Banner, The Hulk 7 Herman Munster

Right Side

COWBOYS

1 James West 8 Reese Bennett

4 Wyatt Earp 5 Bret Maverick

3 Lucas McCain 6 Bat Masterson

2 Matt Dillon 7 Josh Randall

GIRLS NEXT DOOR, MOVIE STARS and SECRET AGENTS

1 Bobbie Jo Bradley 8 Mary Ann Summers

4 Agent 99 5 Ann Marie

3 Donna Stone 6 Elly May Clampett

2 Ginger Grant 7 Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift

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Megaku

A megaku (mega haiku or three-act haiku) is a story told using haikus mirroring the haiku form. 3 acts consist of 5 haikus in act 1; 7 haikus in act 2; and 5 haikus in act 3. This is my own idea and the following are 2 megakus I’ve written.

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(Part 1) THE REPAIRMAN

ACT 1

Being the shark tank Wrangler is no prize if I Could I’d unionize

Sharks in moats all fed Laser beams fixed on nail bed Volcano simmers

Drinks with boss at lunch Reward for trap door repair Used on me ‘cause drunk

Clever flunky, I Bore detour in trap tunnel To copter and fly

Never could leave work Hiding with my friends the sharks Boss will soon forget

ACT 2

Sneaking home in light Wife has had herself a fright Children sleep unwise

Boss is quite irate Seems no body burned remains Sends another in

Trap door tunnel found Manhunt bristles all around Children play unwise

Agent X has come Boss distracted with his fun Problem fix at hand

Light goes off in head One thing done and two birds dead Undo trap repair

Sneak in unaware Snip the spring and melt the thing Boss will get a scare

X will win this time Boss will wonder why trap spring Went unsprung and whine

ACT 3

Now my skill will hone Boss needs me to get back home Trap door on its way

Bore into the jail I’ll spring the boss, I can’t fail He’ll remember this

Prison break success What surprise plays in his eyes He is flabbergast

Now, at last, I see The fiendish duplicity Children dine unwise

Yes, I spoke to X I changed allegiance that day Children weep unwise

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(Part 2) THE MOLE

ACT 1

I toil in lab while Boss of island paradise Remains unaware

Tapestry weakens As I unravel the thread Of evil empire

No glory in this No parade in street when done No badge for backstab

Wife and children numb Shamed by all the good I’ve done No one else so wise

I must break away Leave agent X one less spy Strike out on my own

ACT 2

It seems someone spoke Friend has heard mother and child Rumors leap and bound

Boss clasps hand 'round throat Joy and hate in molten eyes He has found the mole

Too good, this moment For doors to volcano hearts I’ll die supervised

Crashing window pane Rain of glass upon the deck Swinging in is X

Family came to need Messaged X with urgent plea My will triples now

Biting wrist of Boss Stamping foot and poking eye Feet grow wings, I fly

Family just outside Helicopter gassed on pad Goodbye, isle, goodbye

ACT 3

Five-thousand miles hence North and east in Europe's hills A castle for rent

Wife and kids and I Like the moldy place just fine I sign on the line

Sat atop a cliff Moat in front and sea in back We’re safe from attack

Locals submit well Regal title here soft sell Mountain paradise

I am Baron Bill Baron of Billavia Friends stay here half-price