bipolarwritings

[bipolarwritings]

I am grateful for this brokenness

It is how I've found my way

My pain isn't useless

And that thought keeps it at bay.

#my writings #spilled thoughts #spilled words #poetry #mental health #poetry on tumblr #spilled ink #poetrypardy #poetryportal #24hoursopen #positive #poem #recovery #writerscreed #re bumbleblossems

[bipolarwritings]

Hi everyone, it's been a while! I'm posting again not because I have new writing, but to offer my services. I'm in a terrible economic situation right now and I'm willing to write anything for cash- I'll write you fanfiction, stories for your OCs, your school assignments, poems- and anything else. You guys haven't seen here, but I am a good fiction writer and an A student.

My rate will be $1.25 per every 100 words for long pieces. For poetry, you can DM me and we'll figure it out together. Thanks everyone for still following me after all this time💖

#my writings #thank you <3

[bipolarwritings]

“It’s better to be your genuine self, and have fewer of the right kinds of people in your life, than it is to surround yourself with those who only accept you as long as you conform to their idea of who you should be.”

— Zero Dean

[bipolarwritings]

I nurture my pain like a baby

Crying in my arms

I feed it and I soothe it

So that it can grow large

And once it's finished teething

And it can stand alone

I let it start to leave me

My baby is all grown.

#spilled thoughts #spilled words #poetry #mental health #poetry on tumblr #poem #poetry community #poetryportal #writerscreed #re bumbleblossom #blotchedpoems #24hoursopen

[bipolarwritings]

Hey guys! You haven't heard from me in a while because I haven't been logged into this account or writing poetry. I expect that I'll be posting more soon because I have to write ten pages of poetry for school. I wanted to share something/ask for input, though:

Do you feel neutral most of the time? Do you feel nothing until something happens? I started on an antidepressant almost a month ago, and at first I was feeling radically better and almost hypomanic at times. Now I feel incredibly neutral, and I don't know if it's good, bad, or if I just have to get used to it. I'm used to experiencing intense emotions and almost always being in the grip of something whether it's anxiety, joy, despair, or delight. Lately I feel more... Neutral. I've been chasing those intense emotions, abusing alcohol and self harming a few times, plus consuming a huge amount of caffeine in the hopes of a rush. I'm really not depressed or ever in crisis though, which is good! Just... More bored? Less like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and it's weird?

So I'm asking, do you feel neutral most of the time? If you've taken antidepressants, did this happen to you? I feel like it could be that the antidepressant is working, but it's also made me feel not quite like myself, and like I need to chase an intense experience. I don't know what's happening.

#personal #antidepressants #lexapro

[bipolarwritings]

“Nights and days and days and nights, hundreds of them slipping through my fingers…”

— Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea (via soracities)

#queue

[bipolarwritings]

Words are meaningless

If we're not gonna make it to the other side

Because I have given up on hoping

And you're the only one I'm thinking about

I could tell there's something wrong

And to hell's with your “nothing at all”

I guess it was me

Bet you don't want to hear me say sorry

And now that the world's getting better

Here's to getting left behind again

But its fine cause I don't wanna be good

For I know I will never be enough

So don't get your hopes up darling

Cause I won't be the same anymore

Too bad it’s not even a close call

I still wish I'm the guy who sees you till your front door

I closed my eyes with the thought of you here

Clutching my pillow and it felt so real

But chasing feeling's never been my friend

I'll pack my bags and embrace the bitter end

Maybe I don't really wish to disappear

Maybe it's just that my lungs don't fit the air in this atmosphere

And now I feel a little selfish

Keeping you here in my memories

Knowing it’s not mine

Still prevailing just to “be fine”

I know it is me

And the title is my life story

It's a close call

“I've been here before”

A close call

“I think this is the fall”

Not even a close call

“Still not enough”

Why am I here at all?

“To make through it all”

—

“Sorry”

#queue

[bipolarwritings]

We all have an oasis

For the world, an oasis contains a break in the heat, a dip in a pool and shade to bask in

Surrounded by skin damaging sun and feet scorching sand

My oasis is a prick of happiness amongst depression, a feeling of lightness beneath the weight of my sheets

A shower melting away a week's worth of sweat

Crying on my mother's shoulder after days of scratching skin and punching myself

Holding an icecube when my mind is shattered

My life is a desert, my oasis is rare

But it exists.

What's yours?

[bipolarwritings]

When Faced With Fire

The dogs are locked into cages

That are too small

Cold, harsh

Unloved, unattended

They bark

They howl

They cry

They whine

Loudly.

They are all I can hear.

They want to escape

Into the real world

Into reality,

Where they can be noticed

Be alive.

Because this isn’t living

I stare into their eyes

There are no irises,

No pupils.

Instead, they are filled with a small flame

That turns into a massive fire

All they see is this fire

All they hear is this fire

All they are is this fire.

I get burned.

Still, I remain silent

Still, I remain afraid of the consequences

I become the fire.

Everything I touch burns with me,

My world is consumed with this flame

Flesh is melting.

I become disfigured

As my world dies

I finally have had enough.

I open the cages

And I am afraid.

But at this point the fire scares me more

As they are let out, no longer are they on fire,

No longer is there any fire.

They are free and so am I.

I am still left disfigured,

But my skin begins to heal overtime.

It will always be scarred, though

These scars are not only physical

But the same goes for my healing.

#queue

[bipolarwritings]

I lit a match and held it under my torment, illuminating the patterns of trauma etched into the nooks of my mind: they paint a secret code, a second language that I have recited fluently from the moment I sprung into this world, buzzing, humming with hopelessness, and inherent, second-hand nervousness, guilt.

written honey, part 1

[bipolarwritings]

We Should Be Well Prepared

by Mary Oliver

The way the plovers cry goodbye. The way the dead fox keeps on looking down the hill with open eye. The way the leaves fall, and then there’s the long wait. The way someone says we must never meet again. The way mold spots the cake, The way sourness overtakes the cream. The way the river water rushes by, never to return. The way the days go by, never to return. The way somebody comes back, but only in a dream.

[bipolarwritings]

Though I may seem at times somewhat distant from you, through the gray mist of philology, I am never far, my thoughts always circle around you.

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Selected Letters

[bipolarwritings]

We all have an oasis

For the world, an oasis contains a break in the heat, a dip in a pool and shade to bask in

Surrounded by skin damaging sun and feet scorching sand

My oasis is a prick of happiness amongst depression, a feeling of lightness beneath the weight of my sheets

A shower melting away a week's worth of sweat

Crying on my mother's shoulder after days of scratching skin and punching myself

Holding an icecube when my mind is shattered

My life is a desert, my oasis is rare

But it exists.

What's yours?

#spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled ink #mental health #poetry on tumblr #poets on tumblr #poem #poetry #poetrypardy #poetry community #poetryportal #my writings

[bipolarwritings]

Risepral and Lithium by Elias King

#fave

[bipolarwritings]

Sludge

I am become sludge, 

The corrosive compulsions

That tackled the weak and the helpless.

I am become fumes,

The destroyer of worlds,

Eat the lungs of the lost and the selfish.

But yet, through the smogscreen,

Somehow I see embers,

Like crackling fire pits

During December-

So warm and inviting,

But I cannot budge,

For I'm buried,

Right up to my waist,

In the sludge.

Viceroy and Vicodin,

Chasing the dragonfly.

I'm a nice boy, but the vices win,

So sorry but say goodbye.

Alcohol and Ativan,

Mindset like dragon fruit.

All will fall, and man will stand,

Or speak up,

but I'm rendered mute,

Immobilized-

Up to my thighs.

I can't hold a grudge,

Against anyone,

Or anything.

For I am become sludge.

Don't come near my corpse,

Don't donate my organs,

They're worthless-

Worse than their heirs.

They're old and diluted,

Tylenol and Dilaudid

Made sure they're no good to share.

As I've said, I'm addicted,

Go ahead and scorn.

Go ahead and push me,

Try your best to reform.

Try all that you can,

I bet you won't get much done.

I bet I won't hear a word that you say,

Even “love.”

I bet you'll give up

after one failed nudge.

I bet you'll soon join

all the people who judge.

I bet I won't even notice,

My glasses all smudged.

I am become nothing,

If it not be sludge.

[bipolarwritings]

Klonopin Dreaming by Elias King

[bipolarwritings]

I've had some pretty bad times recently, and it's hard to move past that. I'm still in pain from cutting on Saturday, and last week there was a shit ton of boredom and drunkenness. I've made the commitment to stop cutting though, and a new goal is to seriously live in the moment. That's an impossible ability to just "turn on" as a severely mentally ill person, but I want to see it as a skill that I can improve at. The fact is that I can't predict how the future will be, all I know is that my life has improved so much since highschool. It DEFINITELY doesn't feel that way at times, especially when I'm struggling, but the fact is that I'm no longer struggling the same way that I used to. Things are not as bad, and they're even good sometimes. I'm going to make an effort on a daily basis to 1) remember that I never expected things to get even an inch better and 2) focus on exactly what is happening in the moment. So I can't control my life- how do I control the moment? That's obviously easier said than done, especially because I'm not in the worst mood now than I could be. If I try to keep it up when things are tolerable though, it'll become easier and easier. And frankly, I can't wait <3

#personal