bitter-and-angry

[bitter-and-angry]

when the autism is being an actual mental health problem instead of making me obsess over fictional characters again:

#reblog #meme

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1hr ago me was wrong btw

#reblog #about me #meme

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REBLOG IF YOU'RE EXTREMELY BURNT OUT DESPITE ALSO FEELING LIKE YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WORTHWHILE AT ALL WITH YOUR LIFE!

#reblog #about me

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#reblog #about me #meme

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No one fucking understands how rejection sensitive dysphoria feels, because I think if they did, they would be less willing to trigger it when people are innocently minding their own business thinking their friendships are okay.

Do you know what it’s like, feeling like your heart’s being ripped out your chest when you go to message a friend, only to find out you’re blocked? Do you have any idea what it’s like, being suddenly unable to breathe as panic rushes through you, as you try to contact the other people to ask if everything’s okay, what might have happened, what you need to fix, only to never get a response? Do you know what it’s like to go to mutual friends to ask for advice, only to be told harshly that you’re “too needy”, or to have that mutual friend block you too?

And on top of all of that, you don’t know what you did wrong. You really don’t. No one came to you beforehand about anything you must have said or did that made them upset. No one gave you that chance to apologize and try to fix whatever went wrong. 

No, they would rather abandon you, knowing that they’ll be triggering this feeling inside of you, and you’re left to sink to the floor in hysterical tears, your mental health spiraling downwards so fast that you wish you were dead. Your whole body hurts, like it’s been trampled, and you can’t stop crying until your head is pounding, and you can’t breathe, and still you don’t know what you did wrong! 

And then the paranoia sets in, wondering who’s next, wishing you knew what to do to prevent this from happening again, desperate to bend over backwards to make sure the people you see as friends won’t abandon you next.

How am I supposed to fix what went wrong if no one is willing to communicate?

#reblog #about me

[bitter-and-angry]

i dont want god’s forgiveness. i want HIM to apologize to ME.

#reblog

[bitter-and-angry]

— Fiona Apple

#reblog #about me

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#reblog #positivity #save for later

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#reblog #save for later

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“source?” divine intuition, gut instinct, and cryptic symbolism from my dreams

#reblog #meme

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no no no, it’s totally fine—will you excuse me for a moment? (steps outside to shriek and sob)

#reblog #about me #meme

[bitter-and-angry]

#reblog #school trauma #peer abuse

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i want to feel safe

#reblog

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who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

#reblog

[bitter-and-angry]

I fucking hate that every fucking conversation about PTSD from childhood trauma is completely dominated by people who were abused as children. OBVIOUSLY they have every right to be in the conversation but I never hear anyone talk about anything else.

And it’s always the parents too. It’s never teachers or other classmates of yours. Because only your parents abusing you is bad enough to cause you lifelong crippling trauma and self esteem issues.

I wish it wasn’t always about parental abuse. I wish people talked more about the long term traumas of your family being poor, and of the trauma of being autistic or mentally ill or the trauma of being chronically ill or even temporarily ill, the trauma of medical treatment, the trauma of near death experiences, the trauma of having phobias, the trauma of social pressures, the trauma of fucking everything else that ever traumatizes a kid.

Yes, abuse survivors belong in the conversation. Absolutely. But I don’t see people acknowledge enough the other survivors of traumatic circumstances.

I have felt so much pressure to scrutinize my parents parenting to explain why I’m so fucked up and I can’t. They were great parents. It’s the trauma I got from everyone else that was the problem. My teachers, mainly. The other students (yes, other children. Yes, bullying is traumatic and can be just as extremely traumatic as parental abuse). My psychiatrists and therapists.

And I can’t say any of them outright abused me either. People can traumatize you without abusing you, too.

And sometimes it’s not people. It’s the world. It’s being in pain. Just being in pain as a child is traumatic.

Actually, being a child period is traumatic because of how helpless you are to literally every adult ever because they have complete social and legal power over you and do not see you as as much of a human being as they are. Even if you are human like them, you’re still inferior because you’re dumb and weak and sensitive.

Ugh. I’ve felt so pressured to have some Freudian explanation of why I’m so fucked up and insecure, and it’s just not there. Some people are born mentally ill, Mary. Some people have fucking OCD.

I wish people talked about the trauma of school more. If they did, maybe there would be eye-opening studies about how much it messes you up, and how much trauma it causes people.

But because it’s a mandatory institution, and it’s 'normal', people won’t believe you. No one believed me no matter how much I told them that school was making me suicidal. No one cared.

#reblog #school trauma #peer abuse

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#reblog #positivity

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#reblog #meme