blackradandmad

[blackradandmad]

you're on your deathbed but you have energy to doubt that lesbians don't sleep with men. i swear you homophobes conjure up energy to be hateful for no reason

never said that, anyway

#ask #will y'all let this die

[blackradandmad]

i’m back for anyone who cares. things got a little too overwhelming on here for a second.

#lil rambles

[blackradandmad]

I’m so sorry about your seizures! That’s scary as fuck. I have reason to worry about strokes and it’s a big comfort to do the tests, and if I think I’m losing it I’ll also pick up my ukulele and do scales/play a song and it’s always a huge relief when I can. I wonder if you could pick something similar that would put your mind more at ease about not recovering from a seizure.

thank you so much! i'm also a musician so i'll try that next time :)

#ask

[blackradandmad]

lmfao how can you engage with ppl who unironically say "Lesbians, true homosexual females, are incapable of willingly having sex with men." and think your ideology is fucking normal you psychopath. Have you never been a confused teenager

what? i agree that lesbians don't and can't willingly have sex with men, but okay.

#ask

[blackradandmad]

who's your baby daddy

why you care

#ask

[blackradandmad]

fun fact: this shirt was handed down to me by my mom; she bought it when she attended the nine inch nails’ further down the spiral tour in 1994 (the year before she got pregnant w lil ol me) where she decided to take four tabs of acid on a whim. about her experience, she quotes, “honestly, i was, like, kind of scared at times? but i think that was the point. it was fuckin nuts, dude.”

#that's verbatim what she just told me when i asked about her trip at this show lmfao #i am my mother's daughter through and through for better or for worse #me

[blackradandmad]

and i love her and i adore her and i’d die for her and i’d live for her but at the end of every day, nothing compares to the way you and you alone touch me

#lil rambles #vague poetry posting

[blackradandmad]

what part is bullshit? my diagnosis? the detailed description of my medical history and surgeries and treatments that i provided for context, hoping people like you could sympathize with a person undergoing what should be known as medical malpractice? or was it the part about my endometriosis spreading to my lungs with the ever-lingering possibility of lung collapse that  gives me constant health paranoia?

or was the story of my side effects bullshit? the story about how i had a year of my life taken from me with side effects that have literally been noted by people who research and thousands of people who’ve been given this drug?

because if so, it’s REALLY, REALLY fucked up for ANYONE to dismiss a black woman’s healthcare and issues and concerns, especially when they’re reproductive health issues! do you have any idea of the relationship between sadistic white male “gynecologists” and the slave women, my literal ancestors, that they’d use as “test subjects” for things like, oh i dunno, having to receive random ass major surgeries with no anesthetic while completely nude on the stage of an observatory theatre? are you familiar with the concept of epigenetic trauma? do you understand that the dehumanization and torture of black women in the founding days of modern gynecology STILL shapes racial biases in healthcare that literally cause preventable injuries, complications, and deaths of black women to happen?  you must be out ya goddamned mind to read a black woman’s traumatic female healthcare experience and muster up all that fucking nerve, gall, and audacity to make a useless piece of shit garbage comment like that. all that vulnerability, all that sharing, and you are such a fucking sociopath that you cannot even muster up fake sympathy, or better yet, leave me the fuck alone like i told you before.

see, you may have hit a fucking nerve with yr “bullshit” comment, but yr not fucking special. yr dismissiveness of my lived, real, documented, diagnosed aligns perfectly with the attitude of nearly every white male doctor i’ve encountered. from 12 years old, my serious physical health symptoms were essentially given the “bullshit” response. and it’s continued on since. but im not 12 anymore. i am a grown ass woman who knows and has meticulous documents of every treatment and surgery i’ve ever received along with personal dated journals describing its effects, which is actually what i referenced when talking about my experience with lupron, and some dummy on the internet isn’t going to trigger me into a spiral of traumatic healthcare-based memories and experiences.

and the funniest thing is even if this was bullshit (for whatever reason... i have nothing to gain being vehemently against a multi billion dollar big pharma bigwig lmfao), even if you were right, it wouldn’t fucking matter! because if you google around to find places where both men and women share their experiences with lupron, most of it looks eerily similar to this, including similar long term effects. it’s almost like, having being given the drug is the one common factor that ties together the hundreds of thousands of people reporting the same or similar torturous health issues. fuckin crazy how that works.

my experience with lupron/”puberty blockers”

i have severe endometriosis. i was diagnosed at 16 and had three major surgeries for it before i turned 19. i started birth control for my six weeks long, heavy, debilitating periods when i started having them at 12. by 19, i had tried every birth control under the sun (with no success) – except lupron. lupron, a gnrh agonist commonly used on males as a treatment for prostate cancer, on women in fertility treatments, on women with endometriosis, aaaaand yup, this is the exact same drug parents let be injected into girls with the euphemistic title of a “puberty blocker.” (i promise we’ll circle back to this hold on) 

luckily, i live two hours away from one of the most accomplished endometriosis specialists/surgeon in the world, and he is so passionate about finding a cure or at least better treatments for women with endometriosis. he’s an obgyn but he literally doesn’t do the obstetrics part, he purely focuses on helping each woman find their best treatment for this disease. he has such a vast amount of knowledge on surgery techniques and surgical robots and different treatment options, and he is incredibly thorough when it comes to informed consent. if something could happen or has happened– positive, negative, or neutral– he will tell you about it. in detail. now this is important, because after decades of observing treatment effects and listening to women and researching side effects, his personal philosophy is that the lupron injection should be a last resort. like, after major surgery last resort. if a woman wants to try it first thing, he won’t stop her, buuuut after he gives her all the possible short and long term side effects, she usually is eager to explore other options. 

(enter me) 19, three surgeries, dependent on opioid painkillers just to be able to get out of bed in the morning, and now, a fun new symptom! every time i begin to bleed, my heart develops an arrhythmia and i experience constant, burning chest pain. i begin to violently cough up blood. so, my endometriosis has spread to my lungs, may randomly cause my lungs to collapse at literally any moment, and i’ve exhausted all treatment options. except! lupron. the devil drug. the horror stories i heard from other women were insane, and that was just the short-term side effects. my doctor had to go through the process of explaining both short and long term side effects as i cried in the office chair because i knew that i had to take this drug. there was nothing else left for me, and things were getting worse. so i did. i was on it for a year. you want to know what that year was like? 

i was suicidal, homicidal, and fell headfirst into the most severe and detrimental manic episode of my life. i experienced psychotic symptoms, and that along with the aforementioned symptoms led me to a week long stay at the psych ward. i did not have one day without severe joint and bone pain. i broke three bones, all while running or walking, when i had never broken a bone before. i’m already epileptic, but i had two hospital stays for uncontrollable tonic-clonic seizures while i was on it. i couldn’t sleep. i got night sweats and night terrors. i either couldn’t eat a thing or felt absolutely insatiable. regardless, i was always nauseous and got sick a lot. now, six years later, i still deal with worsening osteopenia, making me at high risk to develop osteoporosis. at 25. and the kicker is, it did shit-all for my endometriosis. it made me sick on top of sick on top of sick etc etc. and i’m not a rarity. men and women from all ages and all walks of life have experienced this and worse, and many people, like me, are still dealing with the fallout of it, years or even decades later. i do not believe this drug should be on the market for literally anything at all.

i was an adult and lupron gave me the worst fucking year of my life. and there are parents letting their HEALTHY children be injected with this at age 12, instead of realizing that if their child is so deeply afraid of puberty that they would rather take a decidedly harmful drug that essentially chemically castrates men and puts women in pseudo-menopause for years, let’s maybe try to work out the cause of that fear in some therapy sessions and group art classes and getting involved in sports or something. i can imagine that it’s pushed at gender clinics without touching on the negative effects too much because, well, lupron drugmakers and salespeople have a history of bribing prescribing doctors with trips, fancy dinners, resorts, or straight up telling a doctor they could earn $100K extra a year just by prescribing lupron to their patients. they went to court and were fined $875,000,000 for it, although i’m sure that’s pocket change for a company who profited $826,000,000 off the drug in 2015 alone, and i doubt they cleaned up their act. if a doctor is willing to give a female child lupron simply because she doesn’t “feel like a girl,” while being completely or even just half-way aware of all the negative side effects of it and backlash it’s received in the medical community, they might as well smear their own shit on the hippocratic oath they swore on, and they should probably give up their license while they’re at it.

#usually i don't do this but i'm on bedrest after my seizure so i have. the mfin. time. #i won't go back and forth tho dw y'all #commentary #slavery mention

[blackradandmad]

i literally had the most severe tonic-clonic seizure i've ever had yesterday. i had no aura, no warning, one moment i'm grabbing my son's pajamas out of his closet, the next thing i remember is regaining my vision and hearing slowly and being unable to control my seizing body. it slowed down after some time, i have no idea how long i was in that half-conscious state bc my sense of time is seriously warped rn, but like... this one took a toll on my body and mind big time. physically, my brain literally hurts, like not my head, it feels like my brain fell victim to an electrical fire (which is a pretty good epileptic seizure analogy imo). the side of my tongue was bitten to shreds, my whole body is sore from seizing, i obviously kicked the door frame during my seizure bc my big toe is swollen and aches down to my ankle. but goddamn, the cognitive symptoms. like, i know i have epilepsy. but rn i'm literally just so confused, like, my stream of consciousness rn is like: what the fuck was that, did i just have a seizure ??? am i okay is this the one that's gonna permanently turn me into a fucking idiot ???? i literally feel so stupid like i cannot comprehend anything that is happening even though quite literally nothing is happening. clearly i can type coherently but i can't verbalize a non-word salad sentence for the life of me. it feels like i am not in control of what comes out when i open my mouth. i'm also desperately thirsty, so fucking exhausted but it also feels like my brain was dropped into a bucket of ice so i can't sleep?? do i have memories or an identity bc it doesn't feel like it right now. *spontaneous fit of crying for absolutely no apparent reason*

#lil rambles #literally pointless sry guys this is all i got today #post ictal #actually epileptic #epilepsy

[blackradandmad]

i’m fine with gold stars feeling pride about being a gold star, but when it’s used as a moral judgment or arbiter of ideological purity for all lesbians, i think it’s pretty obvious how that rhetoric could be harmful to some.

#godisafuckingbeachboy is my main lol woops #but uh yeah presenting with no comment cos this is also a point

[blackradandmad]

Solomon’s Shield is the name of the app

OMG Download this!!!! Stop Police Brutality!

#ref #blackness #police

[blackradandmad]

my experience with lupron/”puberty blockers”

i have severe endometriosis. i was diagnosed at 16 and had three major surgeries for it before i turned 19. i started birth control for my six weeks long, heavy, debilitating periods when i started having them at 12. by 19, i had tried every birth control under the sun (with no success) -- except lupron. lupron, a gnrh agonist commonly used on males as a treatment for prostate cancer, on women in fertility treatments, on women with endometriosis, aaaaand yup, this is the exact same drug parents let be injected into girls with the euphemistic title of a “puberty blocker.” (i promise we’ll circle back to this hold on) 

luckily, i live two hours away from one of the most accomplished endometriosis specialists/surgeon in the world, and he is so passionate about finding a cure or at least better treatments for women with endometriosis. he’s an obgyn but he literally doesn’t do the obstetrics part, he purely focuses on helping each woman find their best treatment for this disease. he has such a vast amount of knowledge on surgery techniques and surgical robots and different treatment options, and he is incredibly thorough when it comes to informed consent. if something could happen or has happened-- positive, negative, or neutral-- he will tell you about it. in detail. now this is important, because after decades of observing treatment effects and listening to women and researching side effects, his personal philosophy is that the lupron injection should be a last resort. like, after major surgery last resort. if a woman wants to try it first thing, he won’t stop her, buuuut after he gives her all the possible short and long term side effects, she usually is eager to explore other options. 

(enter me) 19, three surgeries, dependent on opioid painkillers just to be able to get out of bed in the morning, and now, a fun new symptom! every time i begin to bleed, my heart develops an arrhythmia and i experience constant, burning chest pain. i begin to violently cough up blood. so, my endometriosis has spread to my lungs, may randomly cause my lungs to collapse at literally any moment, and i’ve exhausted all treatment options. except! lupron. the devil drug. the horror stories i heard from other women were insane, and that was just the short-term side effects. my doctor had to go through the process of explaining both short and long term side effects as i cried in the office chair because i knew that i had to take this drug. there was nothing else left for me, and things were getting worse. so i did. i was on it for a year. you want to know what that year was like? 

i was suicidal, homicidal, and fell headfirst into the most severe and detrimental manic episode of my life. i experienced psychotic symptoms, and that along with the aforementioned symptoms led me to a week long stay at the psych ward. i did not have one day without severe joint and bone pain. i broke three bones, all while running or walking, when i had never broken a bone before. i’m already epileptic, but i had two hospital stays for uncontrollable tonic-clonic seizures while i was on it. i couldn’t sleep. i got night sweats and night terrors. i either couldn’t eat a thing or felt absolutely insatiable. regardless, i was always nauseous and got sick a lot. now, six years later, i still deal with worsening osteopenia, making me at high risk to develop osteoporosis. at 25. and the kicker is, it did shit-all for my endometriosis. it made me sick on top of sick on top of sick etc etc. and i’m not a rarity. men and women from all ages and all walks of life have experienced this and worse, and many people, like me, are still dealing with the fallout of it, years or even decades later. i do not believe this drug should be on the market for literally anything at all.

i was an adult and lupron gave me the worst fucking year of my life. and there are parents letting their HEALTHY children be injected with this at age 12, instead of realizing that if their child is so deeply afraid of puberty that they would rather take a decidedly harmful drug that essentially chemically castrates men and puts women in pseudo-menopause for years, let’s maybe try to work out the cause of that fear in some therapy sessions and group art classes and getting involved in sports or something. i can imagine that it’s pushed at gender clinics without touching on the negative effects too much because, well, lupron drugmakers and salespeople have a history of bribing prescribing doctors with trips, fancy dinners, resorts, or straight up telling a doctor they could earn $100K extra a year just by prescribing lupron to their patients. they went to court and were fined $875,000,000 for it, although i’m sure that’s pocket change for a company who profited $826,000,000 off the drug in 2015 alone, and i doubt they cleaned up their act. if a doctor is willing to give a female child lupron simply because she doesn’t “feel like a girl,” while being completely or even just half-way aware of all the negative side effects of it and backlash it’s received in the medical community, they might as well smear their own shit on the hippocratic oath they swore on, and they should probably give up their license while they’re at it.

#puberty blockers #puberty blocking drugs #lupron #radfem safe #radfems do touch #radfems please interact #lil rambles

[blackradandmad]

How do I stop feeling conscious of my armpit hair? I know I shouldn't be bothered about how people look at it but I still do.

when i'm feeling self-conscious of anything in a group of people, i kinda bow my head and think about how many details i can recall about what a person was wearing, someone else's accessories, the color of a girl's purse, whether or not the man across from me had closed toe or open toe shoes, etc, and guess what? i'm really bad at it! literally every time! i do this to show myself that unless someone is purposefully really standing out, we're all too caught up in our own interior worlds to some degree, even out in groups or in public, to remember little things like that on people. it's like when you wear a tampon to go swimming for the first time, yr so obsessed with if the string comes out or if you leak everywhere that you don't realize that everyone else would be too busy in their own heads about how they're looking and acting to notice yr incident. another thing is to think about is that a person's non-verbal expression(s) when they see yr armpit hair is most likely a knee-jerk reaction to seeing a natural woman in a society where hairless women are the norm. remind yrself that yr doing something that visibly counters mainstream culture so naturally some people may pull faces, but that has everything to do with how they view women and has nothing at all to do with you as a person, yr character, or yr beauty.

if you're active on social media, try to find accounts (not fetish ones) that show women with their natural body hair, whether it be a woman with dyed armpit hair raising her arms to the sky and smiling, art of women lounging around in their underwear, their pubic hair curling beyond their bikini line without a care in the world, or a woman with a full beard, relaxing in the sun.

learn about the different purposes of areas of body hair on human beings so you can feel thankful that yr body has so many intricate ways of protecting you and being its best self.

for me, i loooove not shaving my legs or pubic area at all and i find body hair on women to be sexy. but, like you, i was also very self-conscious of my armpits at first, especially because i'm black and have very dark, coarse, curly hair there. so i honestly just made sure to wear t shirts that hid it until it stopped growing, and during that time i didn't look at them in the mirror, i would feel them at night and notice that the hair was nice to touch. then by the time it was mostly a uniform, plateaued length, i just didn't think about it. i started wearing tank tops again and because i wasn't doing body checks in the mirror i'd just get dressed and go about my day without even thinking about it, even if someone gave me a weird look.

lastly, if yr in public, you could be the first natural woman a young girl ever sees. what may look like a rude kid who can't stop staring may be a little girl who now has a seed of critical thinking about the act of shaving because of you, and i think even the possibility of that happening is a way better thing to let affect you, rather than a grown adult's judgmental glance.

#ask #sorry to write you an essay but i'm an only child and this ask made me feel like i had a little sister coming to me for advice #and i'm passionate abt this too #body hair

[blackradandmad]

what i was getting at in my original post is that i think some of the takes spawning from the “no real lesbian would ever sleep with a man for any reason under any circumstances” are largely lacking the nuance they need and just completely ignoring the literal novel list of circumstances in which actual, real lesbians have slept with a man for whatever reason. generally speaking from stories i’ve heard, these women already feel shameful or guilty or confused about any experience they had with men, and i just don’t want a lesbian coming to this community for support and coming out even more confused on if she’s a “real lesbian” or not. 

i just think people need to be cautious with their words regarding this and remember that yr personal experience is not universal, some women were not given a choice, some women were raised to believe they had no other choice, some women were young women who’d do anything to try to change who they truly love and desire all so they could avoid the eternal damnation of being sent to hell, some women had no family pressure but so much social pressure to just “try it” and maybe they just weren’t self-assured or mentally strong enough to not. so they’re not gold stars, and that’s fine.

and as for defining lesbianism as only gold stars are real lesbians... i dunno, i’m spitballing here but it seems like the reason why “gold star” became a descriptor word for lesbians who haven’t slept with a man is because there were lesbians who had had experiences with men, and they wanted a distinction (which again is fine). i always thought it was just about that, an added description of one’s personal experience irt sex and sexuality; i’m still relatively new to seeing this idea that lesbianism is actually only made up of gold star lesbians, but i am already seeing some fallout from it, from all kinds of women.

i’m fine with gold stars feeling pride about being a gold star, but when it’s used as a moral judgment or arbiter of ideological purity for all lesbians, i think it’s pretty obvious how that rhetoric could be harmful to some.

#commentary

[blackradandmad]

if yr referring to me in yr first sentence, i know what those words and phrases mean, and i specifically used them because of that.

of course being a lesbian isn’t about morals and it’s not an ideology in and of itself, but i was discussing how certain takes by and about gold stars have some implications of that. to elaborate, in this “only gold stars are real lesbians” rhetoric, it sort of frames it as such. i doubt any gold star is viewing lesbians who’ve had relations with men as immoral, but i’ve seen a lot of takes by people with a super holier-than-thou attitude about it that they’ve externalized and applied to people outside themselves (with wildly different cultures and experiences and traumas) that could be read by someone as a judgment of morals and character. i’ve seen takes that make it look like people are building a shoddy ideology around being a gold star lesbian, applying that standard to everyone, and (incorrectly) calling genuine lesbians bisexuals.

i’m fine with gold stars feeling pride about being a gold star, but when it’s used as a moral judgment or arbiter of ideological purity for all lesbians, i think it’s pretty obvious how that rhetoric could be harmful to some.

#commentary #sexuality #lesbianism

[blackradandmad]

yeah, we really do need to worry about problems in the bi community. for example: you. why are you lesbophobic? like, you clearly saw in that comment section for that thread that multiple lesbian women told you that only gold stars are lesbians, and yet you choose to listen to the fellow bi women who "identify" as lesbians and yet have fucked a man or dated one until now? like, i see febfem in your bio and think your actions and words are contradicktory actually.

So what you want me to do is only listen to gold star lesbians? Because they're the only real lesbians because they say so? I should completely disregard the lesbians who've been with men and who discuss the pressures that they've faces and feeling forced into being with men despite not liking them because obviously these women are bisexuals in denial and there’s literally no other explanation? Because absolutely no amount of misogynistic and homophobc social pressure could ever make a lesbian date or marry a man because a few gold star lesbians said that they didn't get with men and so no real lesbian ever would? We should just ignore the social pressure and homophobia which surrounds us because that could absolutely never affect someone and force them into dating people they're not attracted to because they think that's what they should do?

I'm really sorry that you're a homophobic, misogynistic, and ignorant piece of shit. I hope you learn to grow as a person and listen to other people.

#txt #irt my last post: this words it a lot more eloquently #sexuality #lesbianism

[blackradandmad]

i’m fine with gold stars feeling pride about being a gold star, but when it’s used as a moral judgment or arbiter of ideological purity for all lesbians, i think it’s pretty obvious how that rhetoric could be harmful to some.

#no i'm not a lesbian but i believe that bi women and lesbians can both comment on and critique each other as groups if they want #lil rambles