blacksoulwhore

[blacksoulwhore]

Laughter filled the house like bells, and mama's heart was filled with love and joy. But then the laughter turned into screaming. Please, please stop. I couldn't get the words out, choking on my laughter. The police were called because my neighbors heard my screaming.

Oh.

It was just tickling.

#how do i heal from something that was not born of malice

[blacksoulwhore]

Feeling needed by someone doesn't mean they love you

[blacksoulwhore]

I don't cry rivers, I cry enough to down the world after it burns

#blacksoulwhore #emo

[blacksoulwhore]

𝖀𝖓𝖌𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖋𝖚𝖑

𝓤𝔫ᵍʳ𝐀𝐭ẸƒᵘĻ

Ｕภ𝓖я卂𝕥€ғ𝓤𝓁

Ų̶̢̡̧̢̧̧̨̧̧̛̛̛̛͇͖̺̤̯̣̟̬͍̗͈̩̪͓̪̖̬̬̗̫͔̞̟̘̥̜͙͙̼̹̠͕͔̺͖͈̗͕͕̙͕̟͓̙͚̟̬͈̼̯͔̠͓̣̝͙̟̥͔̹͉̬̠͖͕͍͎̳͇̤̩͖̗͕̝̣͚̩͚̺͙͓̺̾̄̇͋͋̈̓̑͛̄̈́̽̃͗͒̌͌́́͐͌͆̇̓͗̂͛͂͑͂̈́̑͗̈́͌͋͛͂̇͊̓̆̽͊͒̃͆̆̀̏͗̂̂̐̈́̓̀͌̏̀̏́̿̿̓͋̒́̂̆̈́͒̾̀̑̀͊͑̃͑̀̎̽̑͐̊̂̄́͐̽͆̈́̑͐͊͛̎̅̂̄͐͆̌̀̀̈́̾͛̀̄̉͂̐̾͂́͋̀͗͂̽̈͐̌̑̈́̏͋͋͐̈̉̀̋̌̆̍͋̍̈̎̾̏̈̉̄̇̅̈́̃̓̌̈́̋̓̆͗͑̂̈́̊̇̾̑̆̐̾̇̏̀̅̌́̒̏̈́̐̉̓̐̑͊̾̎̃͊͒́̀̕͘̕̕͘̚̚̚̚̚̕͘̕͘͜͜͜͜͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝ͅͅͅͅͅn̵̢̢̡̧̧̡̛̛͇̤̣̪̻̮̘̲͚͚̪̣͇̻̗̭̣̟̫͍̼̱͙͈̝̤̪̫̩͕̬̝̠̥̙̮̯͓̥͉̠̰̻͉̖̞͎̰̳̙͇̹̙̯̘̩͉̗̭̩̭̯̜̤͈̻̠̰̻͙̱̭̱̝̗̟̣͇̟͎͙̩̭̜̻̝̦̰̯̄̀̀̽̇͂̿͐̾̑̿̈́̓̓̎̽͌̑͒̍͛̾͗̉͐̊̀̈́̏͊́̎͐͛̑̎́̉͆̏̽͌̿͊͆̅̒̈́̐̇͗̀̊̆̿̀̊̈́̉̌̋͌́̔͑̐̓̈́͌͑̒͑̀̑̀̇̋̍͂̍̉̓̇̇́̊̍̏́͋͂̍͐̉̍͌̋̍͂͑͑͆̀͋̿́͌̽́̀͆̔̌͑́̎̂̽̓͘̚̚͘̕̚͘͘̕͘͜͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠͝ͅͅg̷̨̨̧̧̨̨̧̢̨̖͍̬͕͓͈͓̰͉̠̣̖̰̣̣̠̱͕̪̙̞͇̘͖̟̤̭͎̖̩̭̮̩̟͎̙̥͕̝͔̰̟͕̼̭̟̜̫͚͇̟͇̮̠̗͉̋̿̃̽̌͒̏͑̈̆̀͌̈̅͒̿̂͆̂͑́͌̆́̄̆͒̋̂͂̀̒̉̿̋̑͛́̊̈́̇̌̊̍͛̍̈͛̎̕̕̚̕̕͜͜͠͝͠ͅ��̧̡̧̡̨̨̡̢̨̨̡̨̡̟͍̮̖͔̘̝̗̺̝̫̲̣̞͎͓͇͓͓̰̦͓̣͖͖͙͓͕̪͉̻͉̦͖̪͇̖̭̭̱̦̹̺͖͖̖͙̦̞̭̱͖͎̣̤̘̳͉̟͙̺̙̯̲͍̳̪͕̼̮̻̘͇͕̤̠̳̣͙̮̖̹̭̭̤̫̘̺̱̣̯͕̤̻̼̲̩͎̤͔̮͇͖̖̣̱̖̬̰̬̰͕͍͇͔̗̺͕͚̱̝̘̝̝̗̭͉̞̗̮̻͖̭̮̬̠̻̫̦̺͔͖̭͎͜͜͜ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅŕ̴̡̢̨̨̡̧̡̧̨̡̡̧̡̢̢̡̨̨̡̧̨̢̛̛̛̛̩̦̲͓̻̫̱̳͍̤͍̜̭̘̝͉̘̘̭͎͔̝̙̼̤͔̭̮̦̯̱̼͙̝̻͕̻̱̣̺̘̜̳̭͖̱̯̫͔͇̼̟̪̳̫̲͔̲͚̫͙̮̫̜̬̰̞̤͎̗͚͈̫̥̳͇͚͕̙̙̱͕͙̯̬̪̘̘̲̳̹̲̰̻͇̲̰̩̦̤̱̗̯͔͎͔̭̤̹̼̯̳͍̻̺̰̞͈̰̝͈͇͎̣͎̪̘̙͇͎̫̫̜͍̱̠̘͕̼͍̯͔͎̬̮̣̤̣̭̪̻̻̣̖͓̦͈͇̫͍̼̱̘̯̓̎̇͑̇̄̀̏͗̍̎̏̔̾̈́̍̓̃̈̄̆̽̑͗̈́̀͑͊̽̃̎̄̇̊̀͂͛͑̍̀̐̔͗̍̂͆̏̿̐͂͗͋̾̃̈́́͛̇̑̀̀̉͆͂̓͐̅̂̒̐̒͑̇̅͂͗̈́͐͌̎̀̀̅̒͒̀͑̓̈͆́̆̅̇̒̒͊̀̀͆̌̃̂͑̓̀͑̒̀͂͌̍̌̐̾̂͋́̇̽̓̅̏̏̾̿́̉́́͆̒̒̆́̾̿͊͛̍̑̿͋̍̈̋̈̀̎͗͋̀͑̽̔̌̏̌̔̾̓̀̅̊̈͂͐̔̏͛̎̃̑͌́́͆̈́̋̒̓͒̽̉͋̉̇̀̀̂͆͑͛̎͒͊̎͑͛͒͐̅̾̍̑̅̎̌͐̆̂̍̃͑̑̄͑̽̈́̔̃̎́͆̽̓̐̆̆͌̀̈́͗̿̈̆̊̍͘̚̕̕͘͘͘̕͘̕͘̚͘̕͜͜͜͠͠͠͝͝͝͠͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅa̴̡̡̡̨̨̨̡̨̡̧̛̛̛̛͖̭̺̜̥̳̗̱̼͓̫̠̩͍̹̻̻̲̝̫̜̲̮̟͓̺̭̣͕̰̤͖̬̙̟͇̜͇̱͍͖̖͎̺̰̮̭̠̺̠͎̹̫̠̼̦͓̹̝͍̫̱̯̬͎̠͖̤̱̭͚̗̦̘̦̮͙͈̹̠̠̙̖͍̞̗̩̯̮̝̤̜̲̳̼̱̬̬̘͎̙̣̜̫̦̜̯̜͕̪̦͍͍͈̣̗͖͇͕̗̖̳͚̟͕̤̖̦͔̺͎̺̻̳̅̽̈́̐̉̑̽̌̊̇̆́̂͐̄̏̒͐͂̏̏͐̒̾̈́̒͒͑́̇͛̇͒̉̌̀͆͌̓̔̓̽̃̃͆̓͛̄̔͗̊͊͂͂̿͋͗̍̐̒̾́̔̒̋̔̊̓̊̌̓̅̈́̉̋͐̏͒̆͛̾̋͒̏̏̈́̽͒̒̈́͛̎̏̋͋̋̾̅̅̊͒̃̀͋̽̆͂̒̀͐̾̈̾̓͋́͊͗̐̔̅͋̾̅͂́̐̑̄̌̄͌̇͗̉͘͘͘͘͘̚̕͜͜͠͠͠͝͝͠͠͝͠͝ͅͅt̸̢̨̧̡̨̧̨̨̢̧̧̡̡̢̨̨̧̨̡̡̨̯̘̦̻̤͕̭̬̱̠̰͙̠̥͖̘̦̞͍͖̖͎̜̲͖͇̜̭͇̙͔̦̬̼̮̗̟̘̣̩̠̫̟͈̞̦̪̟͔̬͉̹͕̬̞̻͔͓̹̥̟̯͈̟̹͉̣̝̩̼̩̮̙̯̳̩̤̪͍̼̟̬̮͈͎̘̼͇̗̮̟͓̙̹̯̬̩̝̪͓̱͚̞͕̯͇̼̺͕̭̟̩̹̪̣̣͇̥̝̫̣̗̘̞̥̹̤̭͕̟͈͉̘̫̱͔̻̠̗͔̫͖̞̥̪͇͉͇̮̭̖̖͖̻̙̮̟̼̳̗̺̠̭̻̻̦̰͚̺̳͖̗̖̱̝̲̼̗̝͚̪̪̬͎̖͉̹̼̫̣̜̮̥͎̣̥̥͕̠͇̪͔̲͕̜̠̖̻͎̘̜̝͍̹̥͒͂̏̎̊̓͑̂̈́͊̌̿̒͑̉̾͐͆͋͛̽̾̓͐̑́́͛͊̒̓̏́̈́̌͂͂̓̿̓̐̋͋̍̏̆͊͗̏̒̈́̊̇̏͊̋͂̅̈́͛̃͛̏̄̆̀́̀̀͐̋͐̉̎̌̎̔́̂̈́͆̾̎̿̎̂̽̽̈́͂̎̋͛̈́͆͌̉͗͊͊̈́̽͂̈́͗͊̐́́͐̃̓̀̅̈́́̏̂̂̾̑̔̓̀͛̾̍̽̆̂̂̒̈́̍̃̈̄̓̏̊̃́̕̕͘̕̕̕̕̕̚̕͘̕̚͘͜͜͜͜͜͜͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅe̶̛̛̳̫͍͕̬̒̏͊͑̇͐̈́͊̀̉̈́̇̿̄̒̓̓̂̓́͛͂́̆͛̐̒͂́̀̏̓̄̒̓̂̿̏͛̇̑͑̑̐̅͛̽́̽̀̀̚̕͘̕̕͘͝͝f̵̡̡̨̛͔̘͇̯̲̩͙͎̹̟̼͖̠̤͍͚̘͈̪̟̭̗̯̗̹͔̣͚̟̠̗̲̝̜̯̩̏̎̈̔̾̔̑́̍̎̈́̎̍̊̎͊͊̋̒̀̄̂́̿͌̒̏̏́̈̀̊̌̀̚̚͘̕͘͜͜͠ͅư̴̧̢̨̡̡̨̧̨̨̢̡̨̨̨̧̡̨̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̩̠̜̣̻͓͓͕̯͙̙̱̪̮̳̱͖̳͙̼͔̘̱̻̠̝̤̠̤̫͍͈̙͖͇͙̞̙͉̦̯͔͉̥͕̩̫̹̺̘̥̺̺̰̪̦̬̣̦͉͓͖͕͖͇̱͖̰̜͎̗͖̥͍͎̯̯͈̝͉̫̮̱̯͈͔̙͔͖̱͔͖̙̞̣̤͚̞̠̹͖͍̲͇̳͔̫̫͈̣̲̰͈̼͍͚̳̞̯̪͖̮͎̞̮̖͕̞͈̠̭̟̙̞̺̗͓̼͍̻͊̆̏̿͗͗͛͗̈̈̈́̋̃͛̓̂̈͋̈́̈͗̈́̅͌͆͌͌́̆̆̀͑̈̑͗̑́̐̾̓̆̎̀̓̋͛͗́͋̂͋͒̓̈́̌͒̔͊̋͒̉̂͌̃͛̂͑̆̇́̔̾̀̎̑̐͑̑͂̈́́́̐͛̽͌̔̾͑̇̅́̿͛̃̏̇̍̏̉͂̂͌̈̓́̐̑̎̂̃̽̍̋̾͌̓͂̑̌̾̎̐̑͂̓̓̇͑̑̏̈́̃̀̿͒̏̾̋͒̐̀͒̌͒̑̀̄͊͒̄́̉̈́̊̐̒̿̏̎͛̀̊̈́̈́̾̃͗̆͛̈̊̕̕͘̚͘̕̕̕͘͘̕̚̚͘̚͘̚͘̕̕̕͜͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͠͝͠͠͠͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅͅͅľ̸̡̨̧̨̡̧̧̨̨̧̧̢͙̥̺͓̝͚͚͇̰̹̭̗͎̫̯͚̹͎̞̙̰̰̝͙͖̻͍͖̱̘̪̩͙̭̫̦̭̤͈̰̬̫̣̭͉̼̫̟͙̯̼̖͓̼̠̳̯̭̺̯͍̖̤̝̟̥͎͍̰̱͔̪͉̺̻̦̙͙̥͚͈̹̠͓̲̮̫̘̮̪̞͖͍͔̬͇͍͙̦͉͉͉̖̯͔̥̤̞͓̻͍̺̲̙̻͍̯̟̰̦̦̲̗̬͙̣̲̼̖̜̝̰͔͍̗̹̲̟͎̯̪̳̪̦̞̳͚̹̹̩̤̤̮͍̦̦͓̀̈́̈́͂̚͘̕͜͜ͅͅͅͅ��̧̡̨̧̧̡̲̖͍̙̪͎̝̮̩͍̥͎̻̖̟̝͙̳̙͙̳̩̩̦̲̰͉͈͙͖̹͔̪̯̥͙̼̙̪͕͍̼̞͔̤͖̜̣̗͓̫̦̗͇̫̼̱̪͈͉̦͓̞̬͙͚͔͕͕̞͎͜ͅͅ

#ungrateful

[blacksoulwhore]

Vent:

My mom died a month ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar. My job became a stressful and toxic place before the quarentine due to new managers; it was always my safe place, and now I'm laid off. My best friend, whom texts me daily, can no longer do so. I'm having nightmares most nights. I have debilitating panic attacks daily/nightly. Anxiety is so bad that I can't sleep, and crash for several minutes at a time. I have no computer to keep myself distracted. I have a leak in my kitchen sink that caused damage to the downstairs apartment. Can't afford to fix it and I can't do my dishes. Can't afford a new vaccuum to clean my carpets with cat litter everywhere. Couldn't get hired by a grocery store that needs workers. Don't have a computer to keep myself distracted. Can't pay the mortgage and taxes that is now in my name due to my mother's recent death. And, oh yeah, there's a global pandemic and everyone is dying.

Can I get a resounding "what the fuck?" to all the people who said that my life would get better, when it just keeps getting worse? I try so hard to keep positive, but everything is shit

#depression #tw suicidal thoughts #tw #vent #rant #blacksoulwhore #stupid #disgusting #bipolar #mentally unstable #mental illness #mentally ill #actually bipolar #anxiety #panicking #panic attack #pathetic #ungrateful

[blacksoulwhore]

If nothing worth having is easy, and loving you is easy, is it even worth it?

#blacksoulwhore #broken #depression #mentally unstable #mental illness #sad #sad boi club #sad boi times #sad boi vibes #stupid #uglywords #ugly

[blacksoulwhore]

I LOVED YOU. I WOULD'VE DIED FOR YOU. I COULDN'T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU. AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT. YOU TOOK MY TRUST AND ATE IT LIKE A JUICY STEAK DINNER. I WAS A F R A I D OF YOU. I STILL LOVED YOU. I SNAPPED, COULDN'T TAKE THE DREAD ANYMORE. AND I STILL LOVED YOU. I LOVED YOU. I LOVED YOU. I LOVED YOU FOR HALF A DECADE. I LOVED YOU.

And now you're just a soft memory that makes me sad sometimes

#blacksoulwhore #tw trauma #tw abuse #breakup #heartbreak #i used to love you #disgusting #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled guts

[blacksoulwhore]

My anxiety, stress, and mood swings are at an all time high. I'm taking new meds, and I'm so nauseous...

Everything is making me feel too sick to eat, and that's the true blessing of this all

#blacksoulwhore #tw ed thoughts #tw ed #tw ed stuff #stupid #mental illness #mentally unstable #disgusting

[blacksoulwhore]

Maybe I should seriously just kill myself. I'm too weak for this world, I'm a burden, and I fear that my friendships are based in pity. Work has been going horribly, and I work min wage. I'm useless, a disgrace, and I don't know why I'm holding on other than for my cats. The voices in my hard are only getting louder

#blacksoulwhore #rude af #rude #disgusting #stupid #tw suidice #tw suicidal thoughts #depression #mental illness

[blacksoulwhore]

The only reason I want a partner:

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/how-many-calories-do-you-burn-during-sex.aspx

#tw ed #18+ #tw adult content #tw #blacksoulwhore #nasty #rude

[blacksoulwhore]

Co worker back at it. I lost 3 lbs last week, and she said "wow, you're really losing weight".

Is every pound that sits on my body that noticable? How can she notice 3 lbs gone after seeing me almost everyday?

I feel more disgusting than usual. I can't believe this. I can't gain another pound. I have to keep losing weight. If I put on a half a pound, she'll notice.

I have to exercise hard tonight...I have to keep losing weight. I have to keep losing weight.

And the worst part is...I'm glad she notices. I'm happy to be back

#blacksoulwhore #disgusting #eating disoder things #tw ed mention #tw ed behavior #sick

[blacksoulwhore]

I hate when people that aren't in my circle say "I miss you". If you meant anything to me at all, I wouldn't have cut you out of my life, or you wouldn't have disappeared when I needed you. And, if I cut you out of my life, or you walked away, you have zero respect for me, and have no patience for liars and fakes

#spilled words #spilled ink #spilled truth #spilled thoughts #edgelord #blacksoulwhore #ruthless

[blacksoulwhore]

ɟnɔʞ ɹǝɔoʌǝɹʎ

#blacksoulwhore #ed #tw ed mention #tw ed stuff #tw ed behavior #tw ed thoughts #tw ed relapse #tw ed #tw eating stuff #eating disoder things #ugly words

[blacksoulwhore]

The same co-worker that kept making comments about my body the other day said that my face looked thinner "not that you were ever super big".

I'm gonna get super sic- skinny and make her regret ever opening her mouth

#tw ed behavior #tw ed thoughts #tw ed mention #tw ed stuff #tw ed relapse #tw ed #ed #bulimina #bullimia #anarex #eating disoder things #tw eating stuff #blacksoulwhore #ednos #sick #rude #rude af #uglywords #ugly words #ugly

[blacksoulwhore]

Co-worker: *Pats my back fat and laughs*. "You just gotta go to the gym". (Referring to the loose skin on my arms) "you can get rid of that if you work hard". "Insurance will pay for it". "If you need to get bariatric surgery for it, you should just get it". "Save up for it" ($10000 estimate for a body lift and we both work min wage).

Me: *has researched these things extensively and self-harmed to get myself to just stop eating. Has fainted from working out multiple times a day and refusing to eat salt. Gained weight because of bulimeia* Maybe I'll just slit my throat and let blood drain all over my fat body, and she'll be left to watch in shock as my fat jiggles from my body convulsing. And she'll still be watching in horror as EMTs and firefighters haul away my disgusting, gelatinous, obese corpse.

Or I'll just stop eating again. Fuck recovery

#tw #tw ed thoughts #tw ed behavior #tw ed stuff #tw ed mention #ed #eatindisorder #ednos #buliima #bulimiz #bulimina #bulimik #blacksoulwhore #uglywords #ugly af #rude af #rude

[blacksoulwhore]

I'm stuck between hating myself and wanting to love myself, and that's why I'm standing still.

I need to change

#blacksoulwhore #uglywords #ugly #disgusting #rude af #rude

[blacksoulwhore]

Where were you when I was taking care of her alone? Where were you when my grades were failing because I was up all night listening to her cries of pain? Where were you when I was cleaning up blood and vomit while my peers were hanging out, playing sports, and experimenting with kissing? Where were you all the nights I wanted to die, but kept living because no one else could take care of her? Where the fuck were you?

#blacksoulwhore #uglywords #spilled thoughts #tw