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bloodgnomes · 3 days
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you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out
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bloodgnomes · 3 days
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barnyard the original party animals is the uncontested lord of bad implications in childrens movies
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bloodgnomes · 3 days
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medieval peasant: I see... so, it is the case that there are many paintings within this magical book? it is not so strange after all.
me, trying to show him tumblr to scare him: I was kind of hoping this would be a bit more confusing to you
peasant, suddenly pointing at the screen: hark! cynocephali
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bloodgnomes · 3 days
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God I fucking hate Olaf the snowman so fucking much holy shit. Holy shit, every frame he's in, every scene, every gif, every jpeg, he's got this painfully vacant, stupid as shit, fuckass look on his stupid lumpy face. Absolutely no part of his ugly as sin piece of shit character design is endearing. His stupid fucking legs? Who the hell makes a snowman with legs. His dumb flaily fucking twig arms? His shitty, lumpy bastard head? The three thousand percent unnecessary dumbass shitass fucking SNOW BUCK TOOTH that no snowman has EVER FUCKING HAD IN tHE HISTORY OF GOD'S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? God, I hate him. I hate him so much. So FUCKING much. Every time I see a stuffed toy Olaf or an Olaf gif or a shitty goddamn commercial, it ignites my primal rage response and I'm overcome by the need to punt this shitty little homunculus into the fucking sun. "Bhurr blur, I'm Olaf the fuckshit snow fucker, I like warm hugs". Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. You look like Tow Mater summoned a patronus. Your dumb fucking twig hair makes your whole shitty head look like a hairy skin tag. I hate your dumb fucking lumpy carrot nose and your stupid, empty googly eyes and your over-the-top goofy ass upbeat asshole personality. Any scene he's sad it invokes all the wrath and fury of a spoiled child having a meltdown over a chocolate bar in a w*lmart checkout line. And I know its irrational. That's the worst part. I know he's just a shitty fucking side character in a stupid fucking children's movie, I know it doesn't matter, I know I shouldn't care. But that's part of the problem. The part where no matter the might and fury of my hatred, the locus of my homicidal intent is alltogether inconsequential. I find myself laying awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning consumed by the spirit of Wrath itself, all the force and might of a flaming hurricane directed at a bottle of piss in a ditch by the highway. The absurdity of it all burns me to my core. What better things could this energy be directed towards? And yet my disdain for this stupid, useless, insubstantial failure of endearing character design utterly eclipses the intrigue of all other pursuits. I hate him. I hate him on a level of my mind reserved for the worst of the world's array of sinners, and I can't even begin to justify it. Shitstick the snow dick is, for all intents and purposes, the animated corpse of all of humanity's saccharine pretenses- every condescending, passive-aggressive statement of meaningless upper middle class suburban drama distilled into a single, hateable form. The fucking. Fuck. I have no words. There is no cuss or epithet in any language that can encapsulate the height of the emotions I am experiencing. God, I hate him so much. I hate him so, so fucking much. I want to light his ugly little dumpster body on fire. I want to graphically beat him to death with his own stupid fucking nose. I want to punch him to death. You know that weird feeling you get, when you see a picture of something so cute you find yourself overcome with the bizarre, inexplicable urge to squeeze it? It's EXACTLY like that, except instead of cuteness it's disgust. The wordless knowledge that his existence as a fictional work is evidence of all the failures of mankind. I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze. What horrors must I have committed in a past life to be plagued by this torment now? I must Unmake this fictional snowman
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bloodgnomes · 3 days
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Speaking of willows. There's a species of willow. Salix herbacea. Known as the Dwarf Willow. And this thing. IT ONLY GROWS 1-6 CENTIMETERS TALL. IT'S KNOWN AS "ONE OF THE SMALLEST WOODY PLANTS" BECAUSE ITS A TREE THAT DECIDED TO BE 1 CENTIMETER HEIGHT
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bloodgnomes · 5 days
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I fw this guy
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bloodgnomes · 6 days
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TNG Onion Headlines by me
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bloodgnomes · 7 days
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Squeeballs Party (Performance Designed Products - Wii - 2009)
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bloodgnomes · 7 days
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if it’s raining and it’s pouring, you KNOWWWWW that old man is snoring
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bloodgnomes · 7 days
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this guy's beef got old enough to have geology
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bloodgnomes · 8 days
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bloodgnomes · 9 days
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the story of kfc fucks me up man. the colonel founded this gas station that expanded to restaurant, the chicken at the restaurant gets popular, makes KFC, it gets big and he sells it to a corporation for a lot of money. realizes he got sorta scammed out of the true worth of kfc so tries to get more money and they refuse and the courts side against him. then he starts a new chicken restaurant claiming the corporate people were not making chicken to his standards and kfc sued him because kfc owned the colonel's likeness and the courts agreed. a corporation owned this man's name and appearance. he wasnt allowed to use either, thus legally erasing his reputation making it harder for him to get taken seriously in any food venture. the man, to the day he died, was going into kfc's and throwing fits because the food had fallen into such bad shape he hated it was associated with him. and it's like, whether he's a bad man or a good man or whatever, a corporation owned his identity, stopped him from using his reputation and identity in other businesses, and refused to acknowledge his outrage that they changed his recipes and still attributed it to him. this is literally the obnoxious plot of a jay and silent bob movie, but it was this dude's real life. what the fuck.
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bloodgnomes · 11 days
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ROMANTIC MERCENARY: I'll kill anyone... for the right woman
KINDHEARTED BANDIT: cough up yer coin! if you've any to spare that is. I know times are tough. I'm here for you
GNOMISH NEW YORKER: oh my god they hit the twin mushrooms. oh my god its gnine gneleven
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bloodgnomes · 11 days
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I had to find this post. I read this in 2017 and it had a profound effect on me. I couldn’t stop saying it. It was echolalia. And now to this day, for seven years, I can still quote it perfectly Word for Word and often do when I do something stupid. This is the perfect post in my opinion 
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bloodgnomes · 11 days
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i love pictures of the international space station which are just completely overexposed because that is just.. unequivocally an angel.
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bloodgnomes · 11 days
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Literally a French pastry called a gougar
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bloodgnomes · 13 days
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pjack taps into the underlying collective unconscious of grindr sex pests the same way conner omalley does with late capitalist suburbanites
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