blooming-anna-rose

[blooming-anna-rose]

I think I haven’t gotten a good night of sleep in weeks, but I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll wake up at 2:00 am so I don’t have to dream about you. these crescent circles under my eyes have tattooed themselves onto my skin, forever keeping me company since you decided you didn’t want to. I’ve been smiling and laughing and keeping every hour full of tasks and to dos and I’ve been posting photos of my friends and sunsets and it seems like I have kept myself together so well. But I wish I didn’t have to prove that I don’t miss you when it’s so clear to me that I do. I wish I knew it was enough to miss you to have you back, but I will not beg for anyone to love me and it felt like everytime I saw you, I was saying please. One day I think I’ll be able to sleep through the night, and maybe it’ll be in someone else’s arms.

-n.c. // it’s better to have loved and lost?

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“I’m by the water, the seaside, and I can’t help think of you. You have taken claim of the ocean in my mind. The waves and the wind feel like your hands in my hair. The way the waves crash on the sand are reminiscent of the way you came into my life, unexpectedly and welcomed. But the water receding makes me tear up, because so should’ve known better than to hope you would stay, because you were always meant to be free. But I can’t help it. I think of you and I remember it. I miss your sea salt stained hair and the way it felt in my hands. I miss the way you braved the water and made it your own. I miss the way you looked at the water, and I miss the way you looked at me. It’s been months and I’m moving on, but when I see the ocean, I can’t help but think of you.”

- n.c. // you are the ocean in my mind

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[blooming-anna-rose]

The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, I can run in the morning light, and it isn't so hard anymore.

-n.c. // spring has come

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[blooming-anna-rose]

we were talking about our favorite fruits

and when i said oranges

he didn’t understand

he said they were too sticky

not worth it

and i thought about that today

and somehow i think

that is something i cannot live with.

[blooming-anna-rose]

and I’m going to be picked up by someone new tonight, and we are going to go downtown and he will probabaly hold my hand and try to give me a kiss goodnight.

and I want to cry thinking about it while driving to the grocery store because I know what it means. I know I have to move on.

I have to forget the sound of your laugh and I have to forget the feel of your hands around my waist and I have to forget the way I felt when I looked at you. You will never know, but I went home with someone else the night after you let me go. It helped me for a second to know that I wasn’t the problem, that someone else would want me even if you didn’t. It eased the pain I didn’t want to notice.

But here comes the hard part. I have to forget you and now I have to know someone else, I have to give him the attention I wanted to give you. I have to learn him and his ways, the way I knew you instinctively and I think, as tears fill up my eyes, this is when I realize that I’ve lost you.

-n.c. // even though i don’t think i ever had you

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“He held me in his arms, holding me close to him as the wind picked up and sand twisted around us on the beach, promising to leave souvenirs in our pockets and hair. We stayed for hours, watching the waves, the dolphins, the colors in the sky fade into more incredible colors, until dark consumed it. We watched the stars and made a wish on a meteor shower and we managed to make it home without getting lost. He held me in his arms, and as I watched the sun, I thought how this is all I wanted, and I felt the pain of losing the moment before it was lost. Have you ever been so full in one moment, you already know the hole it’ll leave in you once it’s gone?”

- n.c. // how can you feel something that’s not there anymore

[blooming-anna-rose]

“I watch him, and I think, he could be my soulmate.

But I hold myself back, I hold myself steady and let myself wonder if one day we will look back and laugh at our story. If one day we will be drinking coffee in the morning and talk about when we were young and dumb. He will tell me how much harder I made it for us, and I will shrug my shoulders and apologize for my stubbornness. And we will laugh and we will be together in the end.

And then I look down, and look back up to see him staring at me.”

- n.c. // and I hold myself back

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[blooming-anna-rose]

I know my love and it’s worth. I know who I am, and I know I am good and a privilege to know. I will not make the same mistakes of trusting blindly after being hurt one too many times. I will never be convinced that I am poison again, and I never thought you would be the one to try and convince me of that. I know when it’s time to go and I know when I go, I will leave my absence and that will never fade.

- n.c. // i would have loved you forever and i hope you know what you have given up in your choice to hurt me.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“Love is not always a weakness. Not when given to the right people, the ones who value it. It can be your greatest strength in the hands of those who will cherish what you have given them.”

-n.c. // i have been searching for them, and i can say i have finally found them.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“He held me in his arms, holding me close to him as the wind picked up and sand twisted around us on the beach, promising to leave souvenirs in our pockets and hair. We stayed for hours, watching the waves, the dolphins, the colors in the sky fade into more incredible colors, until dark consumed it. We watched the stars and made a wish on a meteor shower and we managed to make it home without getting lost. He held me in his arms, and as I watched the sun, I thought how this is all I wanted, and I felt the pain of losing the moment before it was lost. Have you ever been so full in one moment, you already know the hole it’ll leave in you once it’s gone?”

- n.c. // how can you feel something that’s not there anymore

#writing #excerpts #excerpts from my life #spilled ink #excerpt from a book i'll never write #quotes #spilled thoughts #excerpt from a story i'll never write #excerpts of stories #spilled words #life quotes #prose #love #poetry #spilled poetry

[blooming-anna-rose]

He came to the door and stood in the porch light with me. I looked at him, and I could see that he wanted me to invite him in. I wanted to, I wanted to have no reason to not let him in except he gave me reasons, he left me alone with no warning and I was not going to let him in just for him to disappear again. I stood in the porch light and I looked at him and stood strong, knowing I am my mothers daughter and if my mother taught me anything, was to not let a man come into my life that wouldn’t treat me fairly. I am my fathers daughter and I stood in the porch light understanding what my life would look like if I let a man in my life that would hurt me in how he loved me. In the porch light, I said goodnight. In the porch light, he saw the damage he did and he understood that he didn’t have the right to ask me to let him in anymore.

- n.c. // you let me down and i have been through that too many times before.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

And one day someone will ask him about me, i can see it now. He will flinch when he hears my name and he will pretend it doesn’t matter. He won’t want to talk about me and he won’t want to think about me. He will change the topic and he will go to sleep that night thinking of all the times he shouldn’t have given me his time, and I will be here on the bathroom floor wishing I could’ve change the ending of this story. That’s always rhe way it’s been, the legacy I leave won’t be a good one and I should do a better job of warning people off of giving me a chance. I will just leave a scar. My sister once told me I know how to leave a mark wherever I go. That is true no matter how much I wish it weren’t.

- n.c. // i wish i didn’t want people to let me in.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

and after months of small talk and song recommendations and deep talks and late night conversations and smiles exchanged and laughs that couldn’t be contained, something gave him the nerve to ask me to go on a date.

we were walking our usual way over to where we would diverge paths and at 5 pm the sun was setting as i stopped and looked him in the eye hating the feeling in my chest that promised me i would have to hurt him. he took my words and my excuses and he smiled and said it’s all good, but i felt a knife in my heart and couldn’t bare to be the person to hurt him.

i never hate myself more than when i hurt people.

-n.c. // i don’t want people to regret knowing me.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“Do you ever you could stay young forever? Living life with your best friends, breaking hearts and having your heart broken? Getting too drunk some nights and falling asleep on the couch? Swimming in the ocean and watching sunsets? Sharing secrets and laying on each others beds to ward off boredom? Promising to live together forever and to not die first? I wish I could stay young, but only if you could too.”

- n.c. // forever young

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[blooming-anna-rose]

I love my friends, have I said that before?

I recently heard the quote “To be loved is to be changed”. I agree with it, I think something inside of you unlocks when you are loved. But to be loved, you have to be known.

My friends know me. They have seen me when I wanted to hide, when I wanted to stop existing. They have seen me at my worst, and I have seen them at theirs. We have been at our most vulnerable with one another and now I can see past every single one of their masks. So I know when they are hurting and don’t want to be seen as hurt. I know when they are angry and I know when they hurt me, that they will hurt for hurting me. I have asked them for forgiveness for failing them and they have done the same in return.

We have created safety with one another, where we can explore every nook of our our friendship and how we can grow our identities within this circle of living our lives together.

Friendship is special, but when it is genuine. When it is real and messy and freeing.

It is acceptable in its strongest form and so together, we are also stronger. I feel braver and weaker with them, knowing that every thing I do, they know why and what I am feeling. They know why so don’t sleep at night and it is a scary feeling to not be able to hide from one another. But I would not be able to live without it. Without them?

I was born, I came into this world with sisters. That was special in its own right, but making sisters is something different.

Choosing someone, again and again, until we resemble one another more than family?

Until they are no longer strangers and the sound of their laughter is more important that success.

One of the most meaningful things I’ve learned from my life, from my past 20 years, is that having friends changes you.

And they will stay with you, in one way or another, for the rest of your life.

[blooming-anna-rose]

“The road to my childhood house has been repaved, it’s a new road and so fresh, unfamiliar concrete greets me along the drive. My parents changed the lock on our front door, I have to ask to be let in. I put my bags down and my mom offers me the couch. They converted my room to someone else’s office and I have to face it, I cannot ignore it any longer I don’t have a place here this is not my home and as much as I hated it, I no longer have a place to run to, to say is home.”

-n.c. // i don’t remember when my parents kicked me out.

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[blooming-anna-rose]

“that last day of summer always feels so bitter sweet. to be in the exact moment where you are leaving the soft summer air that promises freedom but always brings with it loneliness and moving to the free-fall of leaves, the potential of change, and the inevitable disappointment of staying the same, or getting worse. i wonder the same question i wonder every september, will i make it through and will it be okay? i never fully find my answer, but the conclusion is the exact same, i have to believe it will or else i would never try again.”

- n.c. // to live for the hope of it all.

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