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I love watching documentaries about amusement park accidents because all of the park officials are saying, "Oh, dear god, none of us could have anticipated that the roller coaster car would detach, this is a freak accident, an act of god!" and then the narrator is like "The Dicktwister 9000 was a known safety hazard and rabies vector since its inception. It was designed by disgraced Cirque du Soleil clown John Roosters, who had never seen a math textbook."

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me, to the kids i worked with last week: welcome to medieval camp everyone! can anyone think of any fun medieval activities we might do here at camp this week?

kid: well, they used to do this thing where they would take your body and make it into four pieces and i think it was called quartering.

me: that’s called torture! we will not in fact be participating in torture this week! …anyone else?

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6 hour workday maximum i’m not kidding, if it can’t be done in that timeframe it doesn’t need doing.

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this has got to be THE funniest sentence ive seen all day im gonna cry

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We’re doing Postmodernism is Sociology, and the teacher was talking about ‘language games'— language that is so specialised that unless you’re part of a specific group it’s totally incomprehensible.

And, as an example, he gave us this monstrosity:

And, what’s even worse— I fucking UNDERSTOOD IT. I had to EXPLAIN this to my fucking sociology class.

This is why we should never have let the millenials become teachers.

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Iceland is fucking bizarre my name change made the news

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sorry guys knitting club is cancelled I've been transformed into a terrible beast and I'm going to eat the king.

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alligatorgirl crying in a florida-sun blasted publix parking lot ‘cause she dropped her pistachio ice cream cone

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#me

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Will they fall on their feet as they say?

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just had an. unsettling realisation.

so, l33t sp33k. cool 90s goth kid neoscape on the family PC aesthetic. originally, it came about among early hackers as a way to talk about their elite haxx on IRC without tripping up keyword searches. it was a lot easier to fuck things up on the early internet when basically no institutions actually understood how it worked yet, and when you could still pretty reliably just slap a black-box onto a telephone line and intercept anything you wanted, so euphemism was a valid precaution against the growing crackdown against cybercrime, even if it did lead to more and more obtuse wording. using 'elite' as a euphemism for hackers became l33t, became 1337 - eventually it just became a barely-intelligible mess, but the lovable mess we all remember fondly today. getting to the point, this precise process has actually been repeated on the modern, walled-garden corporate internet. where in the early IRC and BBS days, the threat was feds, nowadays it's corporate advertiser-friendliness algorithms. in brief, 'una!ive' is the modern equivalent of '1337 h4xx0rz'

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