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my brain, threateningly/temptingly, to myself:

#work was ok today i’m finally night shift #i got complimented 3 times by ppl 2 were patients well one was a pt and the other a pts daughter who was a nurse #the daughter said i was a good nurse out of nowhere n i was like omg pls #and before that the other pt was like thankful towards n said he thanked god i was his nurse cuz he was v grateful cuz i was #‘being so kind’ to him n i literally almost teared up #ramblings #mine

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WHY DOES INSTAGRAM HAVE A CALL OPTION?????? WHAT THE FCJK

#I ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED THE PHONE WHILE REPLYING TO THIS GUY I LITERALLY JUST MATCHED IWTH YESTERDAY IM SO HUMILIATEDDDDD #I HUNG UP IMMEDIATLE YBNU TLIKE?!??!!?? WHY WHY WHY OMFG IM SWEATING THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING UGHRH #PLEASE GOD PLEASEEEEEE DO YOU GETS NOTIFS FOR THAT SHIT??? ?I HUNG UP SO FAST I SWEAR #IM NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN IG OGJGFMDN IM GONNA THROW UP #shut up cianna #oymgjghgknhfjssjdfksjdsjkf #im litersllyl sweating my entire bod y i xcant bekieve my FAT FUCKING FINGERS

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good morning y’all regrettably it seems that i have woken up against my will ONCE AGAIN……..

#and w a migraineheadache ewwwww #i started getting it last night before bed but i was like eh it’ll go away #but then i woke up at like 8am to my cat doing some bullshit and the headache was still there but like more prominent? #i was tired tho so i went back to bed n here i am awake at 1130 n my head huuuurrrts #i’m forcing myself to eat these lil mini chocolate rice cake things then imma go make coffee #caffeine is good for headaches btw #also my dads like ‘we need to take ur storage boxes to the storage place’ n im like uhh i literally just woke up w a migraine no #also i had a bad day yesterday n no one cared abt me to check on me #n ik that’s dramatic cuz like i didn’t even leave my room but try explaining that to my inner irrational child who wants to be comforted #wike a whiny wittle baby lol #anyways i’m gonna b less dramatic today than i was last night sooooo sorry to anyone who witnessed that lmaoooooooooo #shut up cianna

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anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird #this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY #i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it #whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo #i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work #imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞 #real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason #like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me #ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS??? #ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like #why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean #i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything #i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed #i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame #i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol #also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually #cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj #i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle #i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore #i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable #ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao #im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed #ramblings #shut up cianna

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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings

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being the oldest daughter raised by a narcissistic emotionally abusive father is just…👩‍🍳👌💋

#i don’t know why i always end up crying when i know exactly what to expect from him #the constant belittling then turning around and crying victim on how i ‘hurt’ him bc he can’t accept the fact that he did something wrong #i know i shouldn’t expect anything from him but it’s like this stupid fucking useless part of me during these moments is just #so heartbroken and frustrated because it’s not fair the child in me just wants to have a dad that cares and sees her as a human #nobody fuckjng cares if they hurt me and i don’t care if they hurt me either that’s why i hurt me too #he’s supposed to be my dad he’s my only parent left and he never should’ve been a parent to begin #i can’t believe how easily he turns things on me saying it’s my fault i never come talk to him and it’s like how the fuck #you were barely basically nonexistent the first 5 years of my life then barely there from then on out #how could i ever come to you how could i trust you just because i’m your daughter by blood doesn’t mean you’re not a stranger to me #you’re supposed to be the adult you’re my father you’re supposed to come to me and guide me why are you such a helpless fucking child #i do everything on my own i have nothing to say to you just like you have nothing to say to me #small talk only does so much i don’t want to talk to him i don’t care about our relationship #i’m just literally flabbergasted at the audacity he has to gaslight and manipulate me and ply victim when i’m the one he keeps hurting #it just reinforces the idea that my feelings are invalid my feelings have been invalid to him for the past 23years #i wish i was emotionless and unfeeling i wish he didn’t have the power to affect my emotions so strongly #i’m such a little kid i wish my mom was here i wish someone wanted to protect me and talk to me and at least try to understand me #i can’t wait to be dead i just want this to be over i’m just wasting time taking up someone else’s space #i think the only time i’ll be genuinely happy is when i’m dead #i don’t remember the last time i was actually happy unless i’m distracting myself #i’m constantly maladaptive daydreaming and when i’m not i’m at work trying to be a functioning an adult #but as soon as i’m home i’m back in my dream world where i don’t have to think about me at all #when gerard said When i grow up i want to be nothing at All that man read my my mind #ramblings #vent

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i miss my chemical romance and i want porn bots to stop following me

#frfr

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fhhfbfndksowkzbxdh

#i haven’t felt this dead n empty inside since i don’t even remember #literLlly no motivation to do anything even blinking feels exhausting #i need to shower i haven’t showered in like a week fuck i’m so gross #but all i wanna do is lay on my bed n rot #this is so annoying i hate me #vent post

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manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs

#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly #also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday #was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled #6:13??? #then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything #so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs #and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor #i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk #and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years #i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly #so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again #i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to #i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone #they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday #they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words #i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone #meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs #i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her #“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’ #i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again #i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again #ooos im crying again lol #im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child #23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol #i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t #i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol #pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid #drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem #i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like #i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive

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my manager has kids:(😕 but i have a new resident doctor crush soooo;)😳

#i knew i didn’t stand a chance !!!!! #also i saw my first pediatric cardiac arrest today #i was okay during the code i was glad i could be helpful i just gave out flushes lol #they didn’t make it but i had a feeling that was gonna be the outcome cuz they were already in rigor mortis when they got to us #the doctor leading the code was the one i’ve recently started talking to more n he’s like rlly friendly w everyone #i wish i knew the difference between someone being nice to me and flirting w me lol #anyways he did really good leading the code as well as the other doctors doing their best n everyone else #he wanted to hold a debriefing w everyone afterwards but i stayed back to clean up the room so when mom say her baby it #wouldn’t be as traumatizing w all the blood snd gastric contents soaked towels and garbage EVERYWHERE #i wish they’d stopped the code sooner the doctor leading the code was the first to point out the baby was in rigor right at the beginning #but obviously cuz it’s a peds case they wanna do everything they can and he literally did EVERYTHING all the code meds u could possibly orde #this stupid lady next to me who had no idea what she was talking abt was like ‘wait i think i see something on the monitor’ n im like bitch? #the baby was literally PEA they’re in fcking rigor mortis stop trying to prolong this horribly aggressive mess just let it end peacefully #baby was asystole throughout the entire code..they couldn’t even intubate him cuz his jaw was clenched so tight #anyways right after everyone agreed w the leading doctor to end it the doc like put both hands on the bed and kinda #bowed his head but i saw the pained look on his face i hope he didn’t blame himself i mean he knew from the start the baby was in rigor and #he asked everyone to give the baby a moment at the end of the code #that’s when they were all gonna go debrief but i stayed behind #anyways my supervisors were asking me if i was ok n i was like yeah bc the baby looked so much more at peace when we readied the room formom #then later the leading code doctor found me and asked if i was okay and i said was fine..i felt better knowing he was already gone before #he got to the hospital and was in literal rigor mortis with a rectal temp of 94 deg F #but i didn’t want to seem too heartless bc i could tell the code had upset him and he was talking in a more quietly #concercdndd voice like he’s usually always loud and joking around like me so :( and the fact that he stopped to talk w me privately n was #genuinely wanting to know if i was okay made me ;-; cuz im not used to being comforted?? or having my emotions validated #i was like ‘yeah im fine now haha it might all hit me later when im driving home alone at the end of the shift lol’ #n he gave me a pat on the shoulder n said i did a good job ;—; #ngl i always thought he was kinda cute but i only just started talking n working w him on pts tuesday n i think he likes me???? #idk bc he’s friendly n easy to get along w everyone AS AM I but idk we talked 1-1 before n i got a Vibe 😳 from him #but anyways then i got home n had pasta n talked to my fam abt my day and told them i had my first peds cardiac arrest #then all of a sudden something in me switch??i felt myself stiffen n my eyes started watering so i went to my room n ended up crying 4 20min

[bo0zey]

i’m so tired i hate my life

#i’m literally being dramatic ik #i don’t want to go to work tmrw i don’t want to shower i don’t want to clean my cats litter box #i want to eat a veggie corn dog n die peacefully in my sleep #shut up cianna

[bo0zey]

vegeterian corndogs and sausage on a stick u r my kryptonites

#ik i spelled vegetarianrn wrong but idc #anyways i literally just confirmed my death w the stars n like #I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONGGGGGG I KNEWWW FROM THE GET GO!!! #n ppl tried to make me seem crazy 'ohhh ur fine its not gonna happen to u blahblah ur gonna live forever bc u said u wont haha'a'a #ANUBIS IS LITERALLLLYYYY IN MY 6th HOUSE!!!!!!!! LIKE LITERALLY SITTING RIGHT THERE BETWEEN NEPTUNE AND URANUS LOL #this astrobthc was like 'wooooo be carefulllllll dont go seeking death or else death will seek u everyday ooooooo' #n im like first of all ive been obsessed w finding out my demise for the last 5 years tbh #i already had like a theory in mind ive just been looking for confirmation for a while AND NOW IM P SURE I GOT MY CONFIRMATION #the god of death AKA ANUBIS AKA the asteroid that represents sewerslide is in my 6th house AKA house of health otherwise known as #a literal fucking dumspter fire in my case #i started researching cancer/medical in the chart n am finding mind correlations btwn my sources n my chart #AND ALSOOOOO MY MOM'S CHART!! but even moreso w mine bc my 6th house n its occupants/rulers are so fuckedddd lollzlzkzfnkd #rahu ketu as well..........its not fair why is being a leo rising so beautiful yet so full of suffering huh?? #u can shit talk leos all u want like personally i love leos but there is a COMPLETE difference ebtween sun vs asc leos n like #asc leos continuously encounter traumatic experiences from birth to death but are extremely resilient (or at least they appear so outwardly) #its not fair these people who are literally so beautiful n full of life and potential are dragged thru the fckin mud and concrete n for why. #like marilyn monroe has a leo ASC n a 8th house pisces cusp like me lolz #anyways idc wht that tiktok girl said bc its not like i 'went seeking' for answers blindly like ive BEEN SEEKING for years and i KNEW #what i was looking for n when i found it i was just like YOOOO I KNEW IT it was literally just confirmation for something i KNEW ok #anubis can come stalk me all he wants but like bro ur not slick i knew u were coming for me since like 6th grade lmao #anubis is kinda hot tbh maybe we can like fall in love idk probs not bc im ltierally ugly n insane n not his type but like idk #anyways!!!!!! thats enough otuta me lol #i think im gonna go back to therapy JUST so i can talk about my birth chart interpretations w my therapist lolll #astro vents

[bo0zey]

just found out uranus has 27 confirmed moons are you fucking kidding me

#DO YALL KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS>..??!? #[deep inhale] OK SO BASICALLY modern astrology says aquarius is ruled by uranus whereas traditional astrologers said aquas ruled by saturn #ppl experience their saturn return btwn 25-29yrs old.....at the RIPEST age of 27 #CLUB 27.??? HELLO!! the 27 CLUB? #the moon AKA the MOTHER n saturn AKA the CRUEL KArMIC ZERO SYMPATHY FATHER OF TIME #uranus is abt challenging authority n saturn is known in modern astrology as the malefic authoritarian #SOOOOOO thats why aqua dominant ppl have such challenging saturn returns bc their 2 ruling planets butt heads #but also in traditional astrolgoy saturn's actually abt expanding past boundaries n shit which is similar to uranus ideologies but like diff #anyways what im TRYING to say is ppl experience their saturn return at age 27 which i think the 27 club is a thing to begin with #and uranus has 27 moons so the connection btwn aquariuans n their OG planetary ruler SATURN is made v obvious #saturn returns r not fun theyre all abt getting real w urself basically n like the moon is abt emotions n feelings of security n #saturn just totally upheavals all of that n leaves u exposed n lost n at the mercy of the elements #so like basically what im saying is imagine someone stabbing the the moon AKA ur heart's haven 27 times in the thoracic cavity #saturn returns r especially rough for aqua dominant ppl bc first of all aqua n the moon's ideologies odnt rlly vibe like #aquas arent rlly good at tapping into/confronting their own feelings or anyones rlly tbh but like they rlly dont care abt their own #so thats hwy shit hits the fan when saturn comes n says #ITS TIME #my mom was a cancer sun/rising AKA ruled by the moon n i have an aqua stellium so she's chillin w me on uranus right?? #but saturn's coming for me!! i have rlly bad aspects to saturn n my 6th house domicile is in aquarius #either my generational curse of cancer is going to strike/kill me at 27 or im gonna join the 27 club someway somehow idk #ive just had a gut feeling that i'd never make it past 30 n i told myself i'd give myself until 27 BEFORE I EVEN KNEW ABT SATURN RETURNS OK #the universe wants me to have a face off but guess what i dont want to!! i will BURN the 6th house to the ground do yall hear me??? #thats why im the only fire sign in my family INCLUdiING my extended family..TRIPLE fire at that #the universe wants me to put an end to this generational curse and the only way to do that is to destroy myself first b4 the unvierse can #ik this sounds like psychotic rambling and i agree it is i wont deny the fact that ive baiscally been neglecting my medication regiment lol #I COULD EXPLAIN MORE BUT THE FINE DETAILED CONNCETIONS R KINDA HARD FOR ME TO FORMULATE INTO WORDS IDK I JUST FEEL THEM SO INNATELY!! #ill be 23 this saturday im running out of time but i have 5 years to do everything i want to do #i dont want to do much i think i can fit my final goals in within 5yrs like i have my plan #its just crazy to me that i have MORE EVIDENCE pointing to the fact that the universe wants me dead by 27 #astro vents

[bo0zey]

if ur someone who sneezes rlly loud then guess what? ur going to hell

#idk if it’s my trauma or lowkey autism but any loud noise that exceeds my auditory processing threshold immediately makes me anxious #then angry asf n then i end up making passive aggressive w emphasis on the aggressive posts/tweets like this #idk the exact numeric value of the decibel that noises make but my brain n body subconsciously do #my brother constantly screams n yells at his video games ​n he’s in the basement but it’s right below my vent so i hear him clear as day #n it’s CONSTANT stimuli that i can’t shut out without my airpods it drives me fkcin insane i literally feel the rage in my veins #shut up cianna #my post

[bo0zey]

happy (early?) birthday u legend <3 hope you get a wildass party

also holy shit i can't believe you're less than a year older than me??

thank u bb :* it’s actually december 17th!! which is a saturday so at least i’ll be getting weekend pay🙄🙄 no wild parties here (i have no friends lmao) but i WAS hoping to at least get drunk alone in my room w my cat after work but APPARENTLY im scheduled to work the 18th too -_-…

#ask #also i may be less than a yr older physiologically anon but mentally i am 4yrs old

[bo0zey]

damn they got me workin on my bday this year bro………like idgaf abt my bday as it is but like the audacity to have me WORK FOR OTHERS on a day that’s supposed to be abt celebrating ME….?? absolutely SICK i just know my mama rollin in her grave rn knowing that the life she bore to her eldest born only daughter has been reduced to that of a lowly pawn in corporate’s game…….im literally nothing but a slave to capitalism i exist for the sole purpose of being exploited n abused by management and the public

#ik my unit higher ups know damn well what day my bday is #those mfs have access to my SSN u think they don’t know my birth date as well????? nah they do n they DGAF!! #i haven’t cared abt celebrating my bday since 6th grade but now imma make it a big deal just out of spite smh #there better be a goddamn surprise party when i walk into that break room at 6:45am on the dot #i’m talking balloons streamers lights party games pin the tail on the donkey a piñata EVERYTHING #there’s gonna be karaoke and the song choices r all gonna b from mcr’s discography #also i get to be drunk at work legally with no future repercussions for whatever actions i will not be held legally accountable for #as a bday gift i will settle for a kiss from my manager’s lips #shut up cianna