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boredliondisorder · 29 days
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How to Fuck Over OpenAI and Midjourney
As you all know, Tumblr is selling user data to Open AI and Midjourney for reasons we can only guess (money. it's money.)
This presents Tumblr users, which are particularly savvy, with the opportunity to do severe damage to the datasets.
If you post art or images, download Nightshade. I'm not putting the link here on purpose to increase reach, but if you search "Glaze Nightshade," you will find it. If your GPU can't handle it, you can email me at aeryn.christie.biz at gmail and I will gladly Nightshade your art for you.
Nightshade makes the image unrecognizable to machines. If you post a skull, training models might see the image as a rabbit. It will then start to associate rabbits with skulls and anyone who tries to generate a skull will get a rabbit instead.
The more people who shade their art, the worse the models get.
For this reason, I will be leaving the capability for companies to scrape my data ON, in hopes that the models scrape my poisoned images and it ruins their shit.
You want the AI plague to stop, this is how to do it.
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boredliondisorder · 3 months
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I've been down for a while, and I don't really see myself improving. I'm waiting for the fog to lift, but it's really stubborn this time. I spend most of my time sleeping lately.
I think the worst hit was when I sent an inquiry to a voice actor with an offer that was way above the normal rate to record Shadecursed as an audiobook and he didn't respond. I dunno. It doesn't really seem like a long shot when the offer is far more than most audiobook narrators get paid, and it would have been nice to at least get a reply instead of crickets.
He was really the only person I wanted to do it, too. So I don't know if Shadecursed will ever be an audiobook at this point. I just can't hear someone else doing it, and hiring someone through some of the services out there is a complete crapshoot. Sometimes you get an amazing voice actor, but most of the time you get shit. And I just don't want to hire shit.
It's another case of people in my field just not taking me seriously. I don't know what I have to do to become valid. It seems like I've been trying my whole life, but I'm always fighting against a current. I'm tired. And I can't seem to pick myself up this time and keep trying.
I haven't really posted about this much, because I hate the attention I get just when I post that I'm down. I don't want that. I want something to change. I want to figure out what I've been doing wrong. I want people to want to work with me. To reach out and be like "hey, let's collab."
I'm happy for other people this works out for. But I want to know what they're doing that I'm not. What about me makes it so hard to connect with people?
I used to spend a couple days not feeling so great, then I'd pick myself up and try again. But I haven't done anything creative in a couple weeks, and I don't see myself improving. My book launch wasn't great, and I can't see the point in working on book 2 if that book's just going to fail, too. Why put the time in? Why bother for the 20 people who'll read it? And why bother if the narrator I want to do it won't even reply?
Why don't I get to be successful?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how much longer I'll last. I've had a lot of thoughts lately about painless ways to end my life. I actually have a medication that'll work really well. And there's the old standby of going out to stand in the cold until hypothermia sets in. This is just ideation. I haven't really gotten to the stage where I'm going to do anything, but I've really been considering it. In fact, I already have the auto-response email written because I don't plan on posting before I do anything this time.
There's too many people who only reach out when I'm feeling like shit, and they always talk me out of it. And then once they have me out of crisis, they vanish and I never hear from them again. So this time I'm just going to put the message in my email, maybe schedule a few posts, and then just fucking do it.
I need something to give. I need people to reach out. I need to know I mean something, or why is life even worth living? It's not. I can't see any value in it. And at this point, I really don't even want to try anymore.
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boredliondisorder · 3 months
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I've wondered about this for a while.
But to me, I guess it doesn't matter. As soon as I opened up to friends that I had BPD and I needed a little leeway and help (and, oh, here's what to do if I'm having a meltdown) anything I did became manipulative to them.
I still know of at least one person who maintains she has trauma from the whole situation. And while I've apologized to her, I've also read back through our conversations with my therapist to find that I was literally showing all the signs of major distress and that I was crying out for help. It was a relief to hear that while I went about things the wrong way, what I displayed was more akin to someone about to kill themselves than someone who wanted to manipulate others. (IE indecision, back and forth thinking, confusion, delusion, a lack of love bombing, fear, etc.)
It's so easy for people to convince themselves that everything someone with BPD does is attention-seeking or manipulative. It's easy for them to dismiss you, or worse... Make sure other people see you as manipulative and attention-seeking without giving you a chance. I've come to accept that the person who hurt me will never apologize for what she caused because she thinks hurting me was just and right and that I deserve to keep hurting.
That realization will help with my therapy in 2024. I still haven't gotten past what happened, but I have accepted that nothing I can do (or not do) will cause her to change her mind. That's a good first step, and it only took five years. :\
I've had a feeling it may be autism for a while now, but I don't see what good a diagnosis would do. I've reached a point in my life where I really can't trust people for my own mental well-being, and I don't see what help I could possibly get that would alleviate that. I still tell people I have BPD. I still expect them to fuck off eventually. The difference now is that I really don't have the capability to put any energy into a long-lasting friendship. I no longer have the ability to have a FP (which is another thing that makes me think it might be autism) and I look for excuses to not talk to people.
It constantly hurts and I'm extremely lonely, but there's nothing I can do about it except try to accept myself for who I am and do my best not to hurt others. I don't have a "romantic" issue like so many people support. I have meltdowns. I worry. I cry. I hurt people. And if I can't accept that, I won't last very long.
As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.
Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.
The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.
I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.
I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.
As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.
95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'
I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.
That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.
There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.
My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.
Borderline patients can't win.
And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.
BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.
Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.
And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.
I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.
Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.
Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.
To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.
I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.
I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.
You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.
Borderline people I'm sorry.
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boredliondisorder · 3 months
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same anon as earlier. I'm up to chapter 7 and this is such an engaging story. the worldbuilding is so in-depth and it keeps giving me that sense of wonder you get as a little kid picking up a fantasy novel and getting excited over all the cool stuff in it. your writing style has such a great balance of humour and seriousness and too and it's genuinely so fun to read
Thank you! This is what I love to hear from readers. <3 I'm going to bed now, but I hope it continues to please!
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boredliondisorder · 3 months
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hey so I'm about to start reading Shadecursed and I just want to say thank you so much for including content warnings at the start, but also I absolutely love that there's a glossary and pronunciation guide too. it's been so long since I've seen a story with a glossary at the end I think that's such a wonderful addition
No problem! Some people won't use the content warnings, but for those who need them, I thought it was very important to find a way to include them. I figured I could probably appease the "NO ONE WANTS CONTENT WARNINGS" crowd by putting a spoiler page first.
(and to those people: a lot of readers like content warnings!)
And yeah, a couple of my beta readers suggested a glossary because of the pretty in-depth worldbuilding. I set it as an early Kickstarter reward, but honestly I would have done it anyway. I think it'll make it easier, and people can refer to it if they get confused.
I hope you enjoy it!
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boredliondisorder · 4 months
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That sinking feeling when you realize help isn't coming. That you're on your own.
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boredliondisorder · 4 months
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The longest quote in the QotD series! This describes the luxurious travel vehicle that gets our heroes from place to place.
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boredliondisorder · 4 months
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I wasn't able to post a QotD yesterday, so there'll be two today! This first one features art of a spark, which is one of the god, Wheriae's herald's. They're only called sparks because they're yellow. And annoying. And slimy.
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boredliondisorder · 4 months
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It's really devastating when you realize that the person you reached out to for help with a certain aspect of your writing just did not take you seriously at all and thought you were fucking around.
The ONLY thing I can do about it is to be successful. It's the only way to prove him wrong.
But success as an author? Long shot. I'll do my best.
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boredliondisorder · 5 months
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Full accountability: Y'all can think I'm stupid for this if you want. I don't care. Just please don't post that in the comments. I know.
I've been really trying to be noticed in creative spaces my whole life. I know it's hard because of the BPD, because setbacks always feel like rejections. But now I'm almost 42 years old, and it's becoming harder and harder to make friends or even connections.
I remember back when I played on MU* games, there was a huge creative community that I desperately wanted to be part of. But my art was never good enough for them to want to embrace me into their circle, and one was actively hostile toward me and I never discovered why. I was undiagnosed and I probably tried way too hard to be liked.
That's just a little background.
But I've always wanted to work with other creative people. I always just miss the boat, either because I'm too cautious or I just don't understand certain trends until it's too late. And fuck, it's so lonely. I talked to my therapist about this the other day, because I really thought I found a kindred spirit in the comic artist I was working with for the NSP comic, but I must have said or done something wrong, because when the comic was finished, he stopped responding to me. And it sucks.
My therapist says she thinks I'm too careful and that puts people off. Like in the critical "are you friend or acquaintance" stage, I always come across as wanting to keep the other person at arm's length. That wasn't the case before. Before, I'd rush in too fast and put people off that way. I can't find the happy medium.
So now for the stupid part I promised y'all, because I'm 99.999% sure this ship has sailed. And I'm gonna censor this, because I don't want fans to find it and make fun of me for it.
A couple years ago, I realized that 4rin from G4me Grmps would be the perfect VA for my audiobook. I knew I'd have to come up with a lot of money to get him, because he's a professional voice actor and would have to be paid SAG/AFTRA rates, but I started hearing his voice as Meadow. I started writing Meadow with lines he'd actually say.
And you know... I actually thought it would work out. That I'd email him and make a professional offer and he'd get back to me and we'd work out a contract. I thought, you know. I'm not well-known in the creative community, but I think if I make a decent offer, he'll at least respond.
And I thought I actually had a good shot. Actually, I was sure it would happen.
I emailed his agent twice and got no response. I even sent the offer, which was a reasonable starting point for negotiations. I mean fuck. I researched this. I found the sweet spot for him in particular. I looked up the proper wording. I offered my phone number for any questions and I NEVER do that.
I really, really hate that I have no credits to my name because I never get a chance to make any. I hate that my lack of credits leads to more dead ends. And I'm completely sure that because I am an unknown name and there's no reason for anyone to trust me, I'm passed up on multiple opportunities.
I just need a break. I just need someone to give me a chance.
Even stupider, I sent a cameo request to someone which was essentially asking if I could send ANOTHER cameo request to interview him for research for my second book. I stated that an interview would be better. I hoped he'd let me email him. I cannot write this part of the book without help.
I know this was dumb. But I really hoped we could work something out without me having to come up with the money for another cameo. I think if my name was more recognizable, maybe he would have given me that convenience. But I'm no one, and I'm stuck there.
People tell me to keep trying, but how much can one person try before they're just exhausted. I AM still trying. I'm pushing myself to my limits. I'm tired. I want other creative people out there to want to know who I am, but even my friends are encouraging me to stay in my lane. And... what if that IS my lane?
I know deep down that it isn't. I know it's not in the cards for me. I'm getting too old. I'm not someone people look up to or want to talk to. I haven't been able to distinguish myself in the 41 years I've been on this planet.
The only thing to do is to keep trying. But I'm realizing more and more that my efforts are wearing me down to nothing, and eventually I'll need to stop and accept that I'm not worth it.
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boredliondisorder · 6 months
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Hey, it's been a while, huh?
I feel like what happened in 2018 is never gonna leave me behind. I finally, FINALLY reached out to someone I wanted to get to know.
I kinda thought we were becoming friends. One of the things I learned in therapy was to take it slow. To not go from A to Z without skipping all the letters in between.
But I was always kind of afraid to go from A to B. I waited for him to volunteer information. I never asked him about himself. I look back at all the conversations we had and they were always so... surface level. I kept telling myself that I'd eventually get up the courage to talk to him for real, but it always stuck in the back of my mind that I couldn't afford to go too fast. I needed to do this RIGHT.
I know I'm in a better place emotionally. My meds are working. I haven't had an episode in... Wow, a really long time now. I thought... You know, five years later, it's okay to try to make friends. It's okay to see myself in someone, to appreciate that we like the same things, and just go for it. But I always worried about going too fast. I always worried that one day he'd tell me the same thing J said: "You're not a good person and you're not a good friend."
I got rid of that letter a really long time ago, but that line still sticks out. I mean history is always revisionist, but I was really trying at the time. And I was getting better, because my medicine was working again. And all I can think of was that it ultimately didn't matter, and I lost so much. I didn't want to rush this and have it fail again.
I think... I was too careful. I've texted him three times now and he hasn't responded. Just like last time, I went through our conversations and looked for anything that stood out. Anything I could have done wrong... And I was just so. Boring. I never talked about myself. I never asked him about himself. We talked about hobbies. Comics. Art. Hockey. But never anything beyond that. Maybe he was waiting for me to actually open up.
I really wanted to.
It's not as bad this time, because at least he didn't post the worst shit he could about me so I lost all my other friends, too. But then again, he didn't actually know anything about me, so, uh. I guess he wouldn't have been able to, anyway.
At least this time I can just stop trying. The silence is a clear message. I really think this is the last time I'll try. It just hurts too much to build up that hope and then not have the social skills to actually deal with it properly.
BPD sucks.
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boredliondisorder · 11 months
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A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd. 
Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough. 
Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.
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boredliondisorder · 1 year
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I've lost my family to right-wing ideology, and I'll never get them back.
This hurts. Sometimes I think about the past and the closeness we had, and instead of feeling joy or warmth, I feel empty and cold. It's like a long funeral, but instead of closure, it just keeps going forever, and there's just more and more pain.
I even went do far as to look up ways to deprogram people who have fallen into this trap, and the answer is almost always some variation of "you can't."
Because any ground I gain is immediately lost by the first time they watch Fox news or check the internet. I can't win. I don't know why they won't listen to me. I don't know why they hate so passionately and deeply. And I don't know why they're so afraid.
I thought they'd always be there for me. And because I'm kind of a loner, they were all I had. I don't want to get married. I don't want a family. But I'm facing this prospect of being alone for the rest of my life because there's just a void where family should be.
I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just sad. And no amount of medication or therapy can make that sad go away. There's no wonder or excitement. No looking forward to holidays or making new memories. It's all gone, and when I remember the past, it's all grey.
I don't have the words to make them listen. I don't have the ability to share my knowledge, because they've chosen a different truth. Some nights it gets so bad that I hurt myself, because that's the only outlet I have. I had a minor medical issue the other day, and I found myself hoping I wouldn't wake up from the anesthesia. That would have been such a peaceful way to go.
I know I'm not the only one going through this, but I think I'm finally realizing that there's no going back.
Maybe that's why I reach out to so many people I know I can't touch. I dunno. Seems like a twisted way to deal with a lack of love in your life, but maybe the only way I know how to cope is with parasocial relationships and unrealistic dreams. I know those people won't ever reach back. There won't be any hurt, because the connection simply doesn't exist. They don't know who I am, so they can't harm me.
There's nothing I can do except move on.
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boredliondisorder · 1 year
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Did you mean:
Borderline personality disorder?
Haha, mostly kidding. But this is exactly what BPD is. People with BPD feel emotions at a much higher level than people who don’t have it, so this was pretty much life for me until I figured out how to essentially mask CONSTANTLY. It really is exhausting.
people don’t talk about emotional dysregulation enough.
imagine overreacting to almost every situation [whether it’s positive or negative] and knowing you’re overreacting but your feelings are so intense that they force themselves out of you and you look like you’re being super fucking dramatic.
you get excited about something and you get way too loud, you jump up and down like a child. people look at you funny because what the hell are you doing?
you get angry and it’s so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to break everything. you grab something and throw it out of your way, slam things down on the counters. you feel like the anger will never end, and then when it does you’re painfully aware of how unnecessary all that was.
you get stressed out and you’re angry, you’re crying, you’re making a huge deal out of absolutely nothing. you move past the thing you were stressed about and it was easy as shit.
you’re constantly aware of how over the top your reactions are but are completely powerless to tone them down. it’s exhausting living while being controlled by your emotions.
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boredliondisorder · 1 year
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In 2018 I started having cPTSD dreams. They sucked.
The whole ordeal caused a weird sort of repression when it came to BPD. That is, I haven’t had a FP since J, and I’ve been able to move at a more reasonable pace when it comes to friendships. In therapy at the time, I descriped my friendships as usually going from A-Z as quickly as possible, skipping all the letters in between.
Problem is, while I’m able to take my time with friendships, I never really get past F.
I mean this isn’t a precise scale, of course. Just an observation.
Problem is, if I don’t open up to people, they don’t open up to me. That’s fair, right? People don’t want to be friends with someone who won’t ever reveal anything.
Today I stopped short of reaching out to two people, because taking the chance was scarier than the possible friendships that could result from taking those chances. I’ve gone from someone who took too many chances to someone who doesn’t take any at all.
I always think, you know, maybe I’m aiming too high. Maybe it’s not time yet. Maybe this friendship is still at an A, and if I want to reach out, we have to be at a G or an H. But I just never know
That’s a lot of what BPD is--not recognizing social cues well enough to navigate through them. And now that I’ve been hurt enough (not a brag, just... another observation) the machine that drives friendships is broken, but in the other direction.
I’m lonely.
I have a draft message typed up to this person, and I’ll just never send it, because being on that acquaintance level is comfortable and maintainable. I’ll never be hurt by this person, because I’ll never be close enough to be hurt. Even though trial and error is an important part of any friendship, I just can’t get to that point anymore.
After four years, I still have that friendship hanging over my head. To this day, I’ve never hurt so badly, and the path I need to take to heal just isn’t available to me.
I’ll probably be “okay.” But living a life that’s just “okay” gets old after a while. What happens to people who never thrive?
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boredliondisorder · 1 year
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It’s been a while, but I’m having a rough time tonight, so I guess I’ll blog about it.
I’m already super upset about the AI art situation (see my main account @the-world-of-erit if you’re curious) but then I saw a post on twitter about how a cat had been returned to the shelter because it wanted to sleep with its people at night and wasn’t allowed, so it would stand outside the bedroom and cry.
And that just made me cry like a fucking baby. I know this can will be adopted by a loving family, but it already loved its people, and for the crime of loving them, it was removed from them. I know this is probably anthropomorphizing too much, but fuck logic tonight. I feel so bad for that damn cat.
And that got me thinking about Daphne, who’s been gone for over a year now, and how she’d cuddle with me under the covers for an hour every single night as I fell asleep. I still miss her. Like, sometimes I go to bed and I still expect her to ask to snuggle and she’s just not there.
I hope I did the right thing. She was so sick, and treating her might have given her a few more months, but she would have been in pain. It was so sudden, though, I feel like I didn’t even really get to say goodbye.
I wish animals lived longer. In a perfect world, we’d all get a companion who would love us unconditionally for the rest of our lives.
Tiamat isn’t really a cuddler, but she just popped up onto my desk to make sure I’m okay, so I’m gonna hug the shit out of her now.
Goodnight.
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boredliondisorder · 2 years
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I really hate to add a caption to this already perfect post, but the thing that kills me the most is the people who post things like “remember not all symptoms of mental health are romantic. some people really struggle.” And then the moment you start showing the ugliest symptoms of a personality disorder, they bail.
I literally no longer form connections with people. I haven’t been able to in 4 years. I go through the motions, but it’s like my brain has become an active shock collar. Every time I meet someone I could be friends with, I have panic attacks and severe anxiety until I quietly just stop talking to that person so I stop feeling that stress.
Instead, I look for one-sided connections with people who will never love me back, and that’s something I can’t escape. But at least I don’t have to worry about them bailing on me, because they don’t know I exist.
Worse, it doesn’t matter how much I post about how critical it is to learn about cluster B disorders, everyone’s just like “Oh don’t worry, I totally know what to expect.” And then they don’t read the materials I offer.
I know this is mostly about true crime docs, but holy fuck you can apply this to most of the world.
true crime girlies being like ‘mental health is SO important 🥺.. we support Mental Health!’ and then suddenly becoming the worlds most frightened delicate trembling vulnerable little lambs in terror over the fact that ppl with cluster B personality disorders/schizophrenia/etc exist
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