Susan Sontag - “Death Kit”
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I say it, and mean it, from the very bottom of my black heart you took advantage of; fuck you.
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Sir Raymond in the Crusades.
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I'm pushing everyone away, just to see how far I can make them go, and the worst part is, I don't even care. Maybe I won't be satisfied until they all leave. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I can die without anyone noticing.
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Le feu follet(1963)
Alain Leroy is a suicidal, alcoholic writer, in rehabilitation, contemplating death after being let down by life. On his last attempt at finding courage to continue living, he visits his friends in Paris. His character is played beautifully played by Maurice Ronet and is based on the writer Jacques Rigaut, who died from suicide in 1929.
This is possibly the most honest depiction of alcoholism and depression in all of cinematic history. Little by little, we are allowed in Alain's life and learn some key factors about his past as he visits some important people that played a big role in his life jurney, while also being in constant mourn of what was and what could've been of his existence. This void in him is depicted as lack of love, or more specifically his inability to feel it, experience it and give it back.
This exceptional piece of cinematic art filmed in noir, is extremely thought-provoking and pushes the audience to look into themselves for questions and answers this film brings out. But at the same time it is an empathetic view on an extremely life damaging illness:alcoholism.
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I'm consumed by anger and grief and regrets. My emotions eating me alive from the inside and all I do is sit and stare not even care that I'm becoming a cell of what once was. A lovely human, a happy kid, a bright personality.
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In a little while, I'll be gone. The moment's already passed, yeah its gone, and I'm not here. This isn't happening.
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I am constantly wondering what it'd be like to be pretty. To be wanted. To be able to look in the mirror and not want to break it into a thousand little pieces.
I always wonder how different life would've been if I was pretty in society's eyes, and to my own eyes too. But I just make do with what I have. I can't change it so I just try and accept it for what it is.
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I'm tired. I'm young and I'm tired. Tired of living. Tired of existing. Tired of pretending. Tired. No one said life would he easy but nobody ever said it would be so hard.
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