through the years I’ve sketched him dozens of times from memories and photos. I try to remember what his eyebrows and nose look like and if he has glasses. the structure of his cheek bones. I ask myself if he has freckles and if his eyes always sparkle like that or did they only shine when he looked at me. and what color are they anyways? I want to say that they are light brown. but are they hazel? do they have flecks of green and grey? are they dark and murky and golden? I can’t seem to recall.
but I draw him anyways and each time it’s not good, but a little bit of him seeps through and I find myself staring at the crumpled notebook pages. the margins of books where I have scribbled his face. the thick white paper sketches over which I have painstakingly pondered.
someday maybe I’ll show him my many tributes to him. my attempts to pin him down onto the page. his cheerful grin and bewildered expressions. his bowed head, crossed legs, focused eyes, steady hands, careful questions. I hope that he would appreciate my attempts. though I’m worried that he’d get caught up in the questions. why did you draw me? why didn’t you tell me before? why are there so many? and I wouldn’t have the answers for him.
I had a dream just a couple days ago that we were outside in the dark, painting. I don’t paint and I don’t think he paints, but we were sitting outside in the grass painting and I asked him if he would ever paint me. and I watched him swirl his brush in and out of colors on his palette, weaving together gentle browns and greens and blues, and he said quietly to himself that he has ran out of my color. the colors he uses to paint me. and he told me calmly that he paints me all of the time. and in that moment I loved him more than I ever have because it meant that he loved me equally as much and that he had tried to pin me down on the page. preserve my image. remember my eyes and recall my mannerisms.
this is stunningly beautiful
This is a post aimed at me and other people who constantly fall into guilt spirals over all the things they can’t do, and feel they should somehow magically be able to do anyway.
For me, and for the others, this is a gentle reminder:
- Posts asking for monetary donations are speaking to people who have money. Not your broke ass, still worrying how to buy food next month.
- Posts asking you to care about [extreme injustice of the day] are speaking to people who have energy to care. Not you, hanging onto your sanity by the fingernails.
And, most importantly: posts telling you that you are horrible/cheap/awful/rude/unworthy/unlikable if you don’t pay/reblog/signal boost/care? Those posts can fucking die in a fire.
TL;DR: Posts asking for shit you are not physically or mentally able to give?
THOSE POSTS ARE NOT FOR YOU.
i’m sitting in waiting room hell for a meeting on my thesis and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this is so nerve wracking.
🌿Herb sachets hung above your bed (request herb sachet recipes from me if you’re interested).
🌿Hang Dry herbs upside down in your bedroom (Lavender helps for anxiety and depression… it is very calming or Mugwort for dreams. Mugwort is very invasive, you can find it growing everywhere).
🌿Herbs placed inside your pillow sheet (I place Mugwort leaves inside to active lucid dreams).
🌿Setup an Altar near your bed: add elements of earth, fire, water and air. You can also use your windowsill as an altar.
🌿Place Black Tourmaline under your bed: shields you energetically by taking the electromagnetic frequencies, and instead of absorbing them, tourmaline changes, redirects, cleanses, and purifies the energy. This is how it handles negativity, even energies of psychic attack too!
🌿Place Sigil writings or powders for protection and restful beauty sleep under your mattress.
🌿Keep a dream journal under your pillow! Dreams can help us get a glimpse into our subconscious and the more dreams you write the easier it becomes for you to remember them.
🌿Unless you are allergic, sleep with the window halfway open or cracked to let good energy move around and circulate in your room and keep skin hydrated during the night.
🌿Drink herbal tea before bed each night. (Request free herbal tea recipes from me if interested) Mugwort tea is great to have in the evening before bed to reach high levels of lucid dreaming
🌿Smoking Herbs before bed is great as well. I recommend this book for further reading: Smoke Plants Of North America by M.R. Ross. (Request free Smoke Blend recipes from me if interested). With reverence, Rosemary Milk 🌹