brokenhayatim

[brokenhayatim]

i have so many thoughts idk how to thunk

[brokenhayatim]

just clocked that my anxiety about leaving social media vs my constant want to delete it all is definitely an abandonment issues thing like thinking people will forget me if i leave bc life goes on without me ofc … and im replaceable .. well hm

#asiya’s thoughts #honestly hate my mind how do i get a refund on this

[brokenhayatim]

microdosing on therapy by projecting my issues onto fictional characters and creating and consuming content about them working through it and being supported during the process

#STOP

[brokenhayatim]

girls im going to keep it real with u im getting worried about my spotify wrapped already

#i thought i was the only one pls

[brokenhayatim]

kiss me its for a school project

[brokenhayatim]

two mins forty-three seconds

it’s been so long since i’ve written. i don’t think any of this will make sense.. also my hands are shaking so it’s taking me longer to type.

you ever know something is wrong with you? and like it’s so familiar and you just think ‘it’s happening again’. i’ve felt like that for long but i’ve been managing it pretty well. in the last month or so though, i felt it shift into deeper waters and it’s not like anything in my life has drastically changed like moving back here was. but i just notice my reluctance to start the day, my difficulty to concentrate during it, the nighttime routine of ‘i failed today yes i’m a disappointment’. it’s odd...i feel like i have no control. someone else has taken the clock and is dragging the minute hand to just speed up every second and i can’t think. my thoughts race every second even if im sitting down and next thing i know it’s three hours later and i hate it. i started up running to help my surgery recovery process and even that doesn’t feel like control. this looming surgery date is good and bad. it’s giving me a lot of free time..that i don’t need. i constantly feel like i should be doing something even though i don’t really have a task to take my mind off anything anymore like job searching. it’s almost made me feel useless like i’m a sitting duck. and then i have so much anxiety about my capability to re-enter the job market being out this long, especially after the surgery recovery. i don’t feel like i’m even average anymore like im the bottom of the barrel in terms of skills so i keep trying to stay with them, doing small projects, but it’s not enough.

anyways. i’ve thought about seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist when i first came here, as my prev ones recommended, but with the pandemic i pushed it off and it’s so intimidating trying to find one, now that i’m not given about 6 options like at uni, i’m just supposed to find one now and try 20 questions to see if they’re actually right?? the thought of going through the awkwardness and distance of zoom appointments too, i felt uncomfortable with it even when i knew and liked my doctors. so, i felt like if i told myself i could do it on my own, i could do it on my own. but everyday i have this nagging feeling that i’m just putting pretty icing on a moldy cake, so i deny and avoid that with social media distractions, of course. i have this overall sense of just feeling like shit and the only thing keeping me afloat in the days are people not even around me, people in my phone, especially moments with noor. often, i think of just shutting off my wifi or my phone and ghosting, but it isn’t even fair to them to do that and it never was - without at least forewarning. because tables turned, i worry like hell on top of missing you. so i woke up today feeling at the cusp of a break and was going to send noor a text about it and to just let her know. and although a big part of me wants to just disappear, the other part so attached to people now doesn’t and knows it wouldn’t do me any good but let me wallow in misery (she’s got the self-realization now yall) and what would that help? especially now being at home where i can’t stay in my room for a week and come out like a crab just to eat (just kidding, i do that anyways). i think the gravity of how much i’ve been avoiding and denying that i need to do something was brought to light last when i mentioned to my sister, after i kneeled down for something in pain, that i can’t actually sit on my legs like i can sit 90 degrees only but anything lower and my thighs experience so much pain it’s like my body is screaming not to go lower. i haven’t done the tashahhud position in salah properly for months and i don’t want to sit in a chair because i feel like that’s cheating like i can move just not that position. my neurologist gave meds - which i took for a while but kept forgetting to establish a routine & my dad said i didn’t need them so i questioned it more - and a physical therapy prescription and i’ve done nothing with it. partly due to covid but i also just feel like a burden, that something is actually wrong again. i dont know...as if my brain should be the only thing everyone needs to worry about now. but my parents were talking about how i might need physical therapy after surgery and how they might bring someone in and something about it just makes my skin cold. i don’t think it’s necessarily fully my disdain of depending on someone for my needs but i just have this vision of struggling and having everyone know it. like i won’t be able to do it in private anymore, it’ll all be out for someone to watch and they’ll want to do something to help and they can’t. that goes with any of my surgery recovery - especially the pain and discomfort. okay, i’m getting away from my point now...

i went to sleep quite early last night because of my mood and probably because i slept at 6 am the night before. but i woke up today and was like i feel like shit and this is definitely depression that i’ve had. so i took my phone and searched “psychology before after surgery” (got the point across ok) and god, the results. i don’t know what i was expecting.  

“Why Aren’t We Talking About Postoperative Depression?

Depression can occur after even a minor surgery. But doctors have noticed that people who have the following procedures often have depression afterwards: Heart surgery, especially coronary artery bypass graft Plastic surgery Gastric bypass surgery Brain surgery...

The most significant risk factor for postoperative depression is pre surgical depression or anxiety. In fact, anyone with a history of mental illness is at greater risk for postoperative depression.

Possible Causes of Postsurgical Depression: Postsurgical pain Surgical results don't match expectations Problems with anesthesia (i’m using steroids but) A biological process Increased dependence on other people

Disappointment in one’s own body and health can also factor into postoperative depression. People like to see themselves as strong and healthy.”

you get it. immediately, i felt two things: frustration at not even guessing this would be a thing and fear. fear, because i have had thoughts of most of these causes being an issue for me before i even read this. fear, that all the trying i’m doing now to be okay won’t be enough and i genuinely will see my worst days. fear, that i won’t make it. fear, that i’m not strong enough to overcome this if i’m struggling with it badly right now. fear, that i’m not strong enough to recover like i want to. fear, that i made a mistake in choosing to do the surgery being careless enough to not consider this. so much fear my body crumbled under the weight. 

of course, it’s treatable. so where does this leave me right now? congratulations! now you’re caught up on why i opened this document and decided to type. based upon reading about my avoidance to fix my issues with the right methods, i think we can guess the solution here. oh look! it’s writing itself into the cloudy sky. 

xoxo big brain girl (just not mentally)

done crying now so time to start my day yayy!

#asiya's thoughts #yikes #do i read this for typos

[brokenhayatim]

Stop measuring days by degree of productivity and start experiencing them by degree of presence.

#o h

[brokenhayatim]

does anxiety count as cardio

[brokenhayatim]

I have one brain cell and it bounces around in my skull like a windows screen saver

[brokenhayatim]

aperture

♫ “is this where echos come to rest?”

GENERAL

“you’re certainly not going in the right direction..your symptoms are clearly progressing over time”

while this isn’t an emergency to do  - window of time is like winter/spring

“this is your brain and spine you’re talking about this isn’t elbow or knee surgery”

“you’re young, otherwise healthy..you have clear pathology and obvious source of the blockage. you’re going to do well not matter what you choose and where you go. trust your instincts and stick with it”

_______________________________________________________________

HYDROCEPHALUS ???

actually can still have it apparently even if the eye exam is normal

CYST

can’t say if cyst is related or incidental - not worth guessing

vast majority are incidental so doesn’t want to jump to conclusions

it is large and conveniently located in an area that would make the chair worse

_______________________________________________________________

DURAPLASTY RECOMMENDED

csf flow problem 

indicated by syrinx - blockage of flow

better result - removing dura and leaving it is likely to fail to him (might get lucky)

odds of syntax resolution and normal css flow aren’t as good without it

without duraplasty rationale: easier, quicker surgery, faster recovery (by a day) 

“open the dura  and make sure the cyst is communicating with the normal csf places. i can’t imagine going through surgery and healing and in three months seeing the syrinx and cysts till there..doesn’t make any sense to me”

RISK

complication rate: 1% risk of leak and infection with his patient

rather less than 1% risk of leak than 20-30% chance of second surgery

has been talked into bone only and mostly regrets it bc symptoms aren’t resolved and second surgery

about 300 chiari patients a year and did 75 last year

only 1/4 do they end up recommending surgery

90% chance of syntax resolving with duraplasty

10% where it doesn’t have still had symptom relief so sometimes MRI doesn’t reflect clinical improvement bc sometimes syntax not as elastic and doesn’t snap back

_______________________________________________________________

SURGERY: PRE AND POST

PRE: no visit needed before but can talk on the phone or video chat

medical clearance + cover test within 5 days (no more imaging)

morning of surgery: meet him and anathaeosiologist and talk about plan then to the OR and put to sleep

POST: 3-4 hours surgery - wake up in ICU or recovery room

pain protocol - methadone

3 days recovery in hospital (walking halls and eating etc)

a week after follow up on zoom with PA to look at incision and pain controlled

weeks after: light activity and tylenol, muscle relaxants and low dose steroid for inflammation

3 months in person check with new brain and spine MRI

likelihood of hydrocephalus and cyst changing a lot can’t be guaranteed bc brain developed and grew like that

he’s more about symptoms changing than MRI scan showings

MISC: uses own tissue to sew duraplasty - nothing synthetic

_______________________________________________________________

CHIARI 1.5

variant where brainstem and cerebellum  are herniated

further indication chiari isn’t from the cyst - its a congenital finding

smaller operation bc lower down in the neck area

While Chiari malformation type 1 is by far the most common type of Chiari malformation diagnosed in children, there are several other distinct types of Chiari malformation. Chiari malformation type 1.5 is, as the name suggests, an advanced form of type 1. It is diagnosed when more of the brain stem than just the cerebellar tonsils protrudes below the skull and into the spine. The precise incidence of chiari malformation 1.5 is still unknown, but it is thought to be far less common than CM1. Chiari malformation 1.5 patients sometimes need repeated operations to address cerebrospinal fluid-filled cysts that may form in their spine [STANFORD]

#asiya's thoughts #neuro updates part two!

[brokenhayatim]

breathe deep

♫ “once in a while i put up a fight”

HINDSIGHT 20-20: you won’t know what will happen until afterwards but must be informed (if there is a complication, there was a discussion beforehand of what could happen. 

“none of us know the right answer” (but surgery recommended)

___________________________________________

INCH RESTING OPENING BIT: bearing down symptoms are the easiest visibly related symptoms to chiari malformation

to note: different temperature sensations in all the extremities, some areas (such as hands) may not feel temp the same way (pain receptors)

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SYRINX

basically without the syrinx if i didn’t have bothersome symptoms and just headaches, surgery wouldn’t be highly recommended

my spinal cord is stretched out which is why syrinx present

the symptoms caused by this are most likely irreversible 

the syrinx is bc of poor spinal outflow out of the skull + decompression treats it

CYST 

to treat cyst or not treat cyst? (both chiari decomp. surgeries)

bc of the syrinx, better to treat it in long run (his opinion)

treating the cyst has higher complication rate than just a normal chiari surgery 

cyst can’t be removed so they take the pressure off 

normally rare to treat cysts in many locations but im specials

hard to say if chiari is the cause - chicken and egg question

HYDROPCEPHALUS???

my ventricles are larger than average bc the fluid is blocked 

BUT you can have big ventricles with normal cranial pressure so no hydrocephalus

an eye dilation exam would note this bc dilation (all gucci)

sometimes ventricles do return/get better after decompression

___________________________________________

3 DIFFERENT SURGERY WAYS

last recommendation = shunt 

bone-only = where they stay away from the cyst 

opening the dura = highest success/betterment but more risk

“if there was an equivalent outcome, no one would open the dura bc of the risk”

RISK 

do nothin vs surgery

if nothing done, 100% likelihood that of progression (as it’s done)

surgery: present risk (with bone) or risk of another surgery (with dura)

aggressive of not: did we not do enough or do too much?

“risk of surgery lower than not having it”

there’s more of a risk not doing something with the syrinx and issues - they may reach a point of permanency 

when you begin discussing a spinal cord problem that is a long term risk

decompression with dura may have spinal issue complication with draining the fluid

___________________________________________

“NATURAL HISTORY OF DISEASE” : refers to the progression of a disease process in an individual over time, in the absence of treatment

what happens if we just watch?

later on, “the disease will declare itself”

my history is: worsening 

___________________________________________

MY THOUGHTS: have surgery + bone only for now - when they open if the cyst presents as a problem then treat

#asiya's thoughts #neuro updates!

[brokenhayatim]

i was just reenacting a moment for my sister and both my legs went numb as i was imitating putting pants on and i fell back and slid so far on the floor like my back hit drawer and the broom fell on me

just ur average girl w brain probs <3

#never happened infront of ppl it was ridiculous please #hello old friend its been a while

[brokenhayatim]

#well .

[brokenhayatim]

Do you have any kinks?

That second sleep after you’ve woken up too early

#exactlyyyy

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

#asiya's thoughts

[brokenhayatim]

[brokenhayatim]

sept eleven

i hate the feeling so much, this nagging underlying feeling every single day of just being worthless. like i’m the loser around people. i dont want to talk to you, i dont want to look at you, i dont want to be around you bc everything i selfishly absorb as a flaw of my own. 

i feel like it’s come out more being in front of my family, whereas when i was living alone, it was just a normal feeling. around people, i’m so hyper focused on being a failure and just sucking at every department in life that i can slowly feel myself becoming more bitter. i kinda stopped taking my meds bc i was running out and i hadn’t yet ordered more, and i lowkey felt like it was making me more tired since i’ve come back?? i think i’ll start them again..

i just want to go back to like four months ago and stay there. 

#asiya's thoughts #can i live in a hole now pls