brokensoulthoughts

[brokensoulthoughts]

"you really like to search for problems that don't exist"

I asked my boyfriend if he'd still kiss me with my stuffed nose due to having covid. He said depends how slimy it is and I don't him you don't love me, messing with him.

And this was his answer to me.

[brokensoulthoughts]

Many girls I knew in the past my age are now engaged and happy and graduated from college.

And I'm still figuring out what I want to do and will drop out of college soon to start something new.

All these girls look put together and I'm a mess. They look so happy and I can't even feel comfortable in my own skin and body.

They upload pictures of them on holidays with their partners and I'm stuck here working until I start at my new school.

They have their life already figured out and I'm barely getting by and staying sane.

What happened to me and I'm like this? At what exact point did things start going wrong in my life and went downhill from there?

I honestly don't know how I've ever been in a relationship. What did they even find in me that made them want me? I have no fucking idea. Nothing about me is the smallest bit good.

I'm 23 with nothing accomplished in my life. I'm loud and annoying with talking too much and being too clingy and too emotional.

I don't know why I'm like this. All I know is that I fucking hate myself and how I am and where I am in life. And I'm so tired of pretending and staying positive and all this shit.

I'm not happy with my life and I don't feel like this is my life.

[brokensoulthoughts]

Maybe the person who called me heartless was right.

Maybe when my ex told me I never understood him, even though he told me in the beginning I'm the only one that understands him, was right.

Maybe when my best friend told me I've become selfish and only talk and care about myself was right.

Maybe all of them is right.. I've never thought of myself as such a bad person..

Do I even deserve to be alive if I only annoy the people around me and bring them misery and problems?

#heartbreak #never enough #not enough #bad person #fucked up #egoistic #selfhate #suicidal #suicide

[brokensoulthoughts]

[brokensoulthoughts]

[brokensoulthoughts]

I just remembered something and ive been shivering ever since. A few years ago, maybe 3 years or 4 years ago, I was having coffee with my best friend. And his mother comes by the coffee shop cause she was doing something near. And she was breathing heavily cause first, it was summer and second she is old but also has a few extra kg but that's fine. And she was sweating. Her son goes to get her coffee while we exchange his and hellos. Then she starts talking about losing weight and then tells me to lose weight too. And she's saying this because she loves me. I could barely keep the shock off of my face. He started telling her mom stop what are you doing but she told him it's okay she knows I love her and only saying this cause I care about her. And I remember his ears and eyes getting red with anger. That moment.. Everytime I remember it it makes me feel so...awful. Am I only my body? Is this all I ever am? Like..this woman knows me for years. I've been friends with her son for almost 10 years. Does she only see my body to tell me those things? I always think about her and going to visit her but I can never do it. Ughhh thinking about this shit at 5 am while I'm supposed to wake up at 7 to go run errands and meet friends is so bad.. I'm gonna have zero self confidence tomorrow and will probably change my outfit many times. Why does nobody see my heart and see my body instead.

Wouldn't it have been much better if we didn't have bodies. If we were just.. Light or a shadow. We could shine as much or as little depending on our heart and mind? If our soul was visible not our body. That way we could've been able to see the real person. Not the vessel.

[brokensoulthoughts]

[brokensoulthoughts]

Did I meme correctly

[brokensoulthoughts]

I still remember you when I see the moon.

[brokensoulthoughts]

When am I gonna be able to see a picture of him and not get butterflies and hear his voice in my head telling me he loved me. I still remember the feeling of hearing him say it out of nowhere. Him waking me up and saying it. Him. Just the memory of him and his voice. Of him snoring, of him laughing, of him drinking his coffee or beer or anything, him giving me kisses, him telling me he misses me.

I don't realise how much I miss him until I see something that reminds me of him and them everything comes back to me.

Oddly enough, I barely remember the way he was with me at the end. The ignoring, the ghosting, the distance, the silence. Him telling me I don't understand him at all, that I never did.. Which hurt me the most..

I have to think about those things to remember them.

The only things I remember better than anything is the good moments. Him being so caring, so so caring. Holding me in his sleep, like I belong there. Him playing with my friends cat and sitting on the floor to look at her under the chair..so pure..and looking at her like a little, innocent child. Seeing him in the airport and looking at the most pure, genuine smile. Going to sleep every night with me on the phone..

Oh my God.. Or him asking me to sing for him on the phone one night after he had a nightmare.. My heart is aching when I remember all those good moments.. It wasn't fake with us.. I don't know what happened..

I even prayed for him in church yesterday.. Prayed for him to stay safe and happy..

I hope wherever he is, however he is, with whoever he is, he is happy and healthy and safe..

💜🖤

#greek #i still love him #Words #Unspoken words #Him

[brokensoulthoughts]

Sometimes I daydream about cutting my chest open, like cutting myself open starting from my neck to my belly.

[brokensoulthoughts]

Honestly though, if I died right this moment, nobody would be sad that I'm not living anymore. They would just feel the absence of a fat, annoying creature.

[brokensoulthoughts]

So apparently my father might be cheating on my mother again and I don't know how to deal with this shit again. It fucked me up this whole week and I..cant..

[brokensoulthoughts]

I've spent hours obsessing over why I'm not good enough. Hours lost, standing in front of the mirror, studying my face and wondering if it's because I'm not pretty enough. Reading back old conversations and wondering if I'm annoying, too needy, too much. Will anyone ever stick around? I try so hard, but I'm just never worth it in the end.

broken thoughts | 2am

[brokensoulthoughts]

i have always been too much for someone or not enough. i’m either too loud or not loud enough. i am a walking contradiction. a full glass or an empty one. there is no balance in me. tell me, what made you leave? my devastating fire or my lack of heat?

- l.r // i am never half empty

[brokensoulthoughts]

I haven't cried in days, I was getting better, going easy on myself. And my mother had to talk to me in a bad way and trigger me and I had an attack. I'm so tired

[brokensoulthoughts]

Went on a date today and felt nothing. Nothing at all except being bored and wanting to go home. And the fact that he's nothing like him. I was on a date but was thinking about him the whole time.