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bsuelane · 3 years

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my toxic love story

This is a story that spans 5 years.

Let's start from the beginning...I met (lets call him Jack) Jack approximately 5 years ago. His part time job intersected with mine. When I tell you I loved that man from the moment I saw him, i am not exaggerating. He was beautiful in every sense of the word. Tall. Green eyes. Perfect smile. Muscular. Driven. Successful. Kind. It was instant for me. I wanted him. He seemed so far out of my league but we clicked. Jack was not interested in me romantically and that was clear, however, I was so drawn to him that I just wanted to be in his life. A friendship ensued. He became my best friend. My rock. My cheerleader. Jack was who I turned to when things went awry. I watched him date and love other women. I even watched him propose to another woman. It crushed me but he was happy and that was all I needed. He still confided in me and he was my best friend.

Jack ended up not marrying his fiance. It crushed him, in every sense of the word. He fought to win her back and did everything you would ever dream of a man doing to make you feel special. I was there. I picked him up. I put him back together. I dated people in this time frame but nothing worked out and nothing significant. He put me back together during my heart breaks. He helped me through school. He asked me to come over for dinner and beers one night. Never once had he mentioned feeling something different or more than friends for me. I didn't expect anything of it. After dinner this man kissed me and ruined my world. Head exploding intense electricity. He immediately stopped and said that he didn't feel that way about me and he shouldn't have done that. It crushed me.

I put it to the side and continued to be his friend. He got in a relationship with a woman that was my best friend at the time. She knew how I felt about him and still got into a relationship with him. Crushed again lol. See a trend? Anyways, they date for a pretty long time, break up and then get back together. He still continued to call and confide in me during this time. She hated me. Didn't want him talking to me. At some point he confessed that he loved me. Said he was in love with me. I was so confused. After all this time? My heart exploded.

He was still dating my ex bestfriend. He would keep me blocked when she was home and then unblock me when he was at work or she was at work. It was a rollercoaster. We would talk about such intimate things. Kids. A home. Sex. Marriage. So many promises. He would sneak over to my apartment and we would makeout. He would look at me and cry and tell me how much he loved me. My soul was bare to him. I would have done anything this man wanted. I loved him in a way I can't describe. Our souls were connected. He had a tether to me. He could tell how I felt just by looking at me or in how my texts were worded. So, I stayed. Even when he was in a relationship with another woman. I loved him. He was who i pictured my future with. He was my future. I could never picture anyone else. It was always him.

Jack would start to feel guilty for his actions and words towards me because of his relationship. He would cut me out of his life for a month at a time. I would be blocked on everything with no way of communicating. It instilled abandonment issues that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to overcome. His relationship with this woman was toxic and abusive. On both of their parts.

Jack and his girlfriend eventually broke up. He ghosted me for four months after. I decided that was it for me. I packed my things and moved back to hometown. Started a new job. I started over. Not, two weeks into my new job...he calls. Says he just needed time to figure things out and get back to who he was. I, of course, let him back in. The routine started again. Blocking, unblocking. And this time there was no reason behind it. He wasn't with her anymore. It was like he was doing it to just upset me because he knew how it destroyed me when he did it. Eventually he asks to see me. I love him so i say yes. We meet up and he won't even hardly touch me. Says he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Essentially that he wasn't in love with me anymore. My world crumbled. I had done and been everything he needed me to be and I wasn't enough. I cannot explain this heart break. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. My future. The man I thought would be the father to my children just disintegrated. I left right in that moment and sobbed all the way home. He never called, never reached out.

Four months later, here we are. He tries to text me and then sends me several messages on facebook. Asking if I will ever talk to him again? The short answer? No. If you don't love me then there is no reason to continue down this path. It will only lead to my destruction. I never responded to his messages. I was disposable to him. My feelings do not matter. 5 years i endured. I stayed steady. When it was my time to have him, to be happy, he crushed me. I was just an emotional crutch for him. A soft pillow to lay his head when his girlfriend mistreated him. I can never go back to being that girl.

There is a part of me that is always going to love him. I still love him. I'm still in love with him. I cannot break this tether that it between us. after 4 months I should be able to look back and know he wasn't it. But, I can't. A part of me still has hope. A part of me loves this man so much that I cannot bear the thought of never having him. However, I do believe that is my reality. Jack is never going to love me the same way that I love him and I suspect that he never did. My love was never reciprocated back to me. So, this is me coping. This is me writing it down in hopes that it helps me process and let go. This is the story of how I broke and how I am rebuilding.

-bsue

#heartbreak #love #toxic #lovestories #soulmate #twinflames

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