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All I Need to Know about Life I Learned in Elementary School

No seriously. Read on. I feel like my elementary-school experience taught me everything about society that is worth knowing. I've just spent the last 30+ years learning the nuances. This is a pretty pessimistic post, but the last eight years have shown me that my belief that humans were basically good was entirely wrong. And I think that my major mistake was turning twelve without internalizing this message. (I blame Star Trek lol, and I can't think of any other piece of media that gave humanity so much false hope.) This is what I learned: 1. Most people who have maximum social privilege don't give a shit about anyone else.

Unless that "anyone else" is in their same social/economic group (and most often only if they're also white or willing to carry water for white supremacy). I saw this play out when I was a kid. I wasn't part of the dominant religious culture in my state, which meant that no one saw me or my family at Sunday services. In fact, I was probably the only person in most of my classes who wasn't part of the dominant religion. Therefore, I was not human; I was a thing to be abused, whose pain wasn't real and could therefore be ignored. But I also saw the same mistreatment happen to kids who were part of the dominant religion...but who were any combination of poor, fat, neurodivergent, traumatized, from abusive homes, learning disabled, or physically disabled. Ableism, the dominant religion, classism, neuro-supremacy, fatphobia/lookism, and society's interest in ignoring child abuse conspired to keep the powerful in power and to remind the have-nots to stay in our place. (If my school had had more than two Black kids who I didn't know well and who were never in my classes, I suspect race would've been a widespread factor too--rather than one that only applied to those two kids.) Yes, it was the 80s. But being "a different time" doesn't excuse the fact that families taught their children (directly or by inaction) to be cruel to those with less social cache, and the fact that the adults who served in loco parentis enabled it. Teachers and staff either gave no shits about peer-on-peer abuse, or, if they did, their attempts to stop it were well intentioned but ultimately ineffective. Because they were going against a system designed to elevate the privileged and damage the underprivileged. This essay's difficult to write, so I'll have to take it one part at a time. Stay tuned for more.

#all i need to know about life I learned in elementary school #cw child abuse #cw cocsa #cw abuse

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I love how this series is pushing 30 and those of us who have watched it and loved it since its release are still pondering it and finding new interpretations and new details. It really is one of the most remarkable works of art I’ve ever seen.

It was Anthy all along; it was always her.

So I was picking raspberries and listening to another Utena rewatch/analysis podcast this morning (as one does), and had a revelation that blew my mind, something I hadn't put the pieces together before...

(spoilers below the cut because there's no way to talk about it without talking about all of it)

So they were reading the opening fairy tale on the podcast, the prince giving the ring to Utena, and this is what came to me:

We've always known that the prince is an illusion. Whatever Dios was, or represents, by the time they could meet Utena in childhood (in whatever sense time exists), there is no person there. To the extent that real things exist outside of Ohtori, I'd always read this as a projection of Akio, a facade of princeliness he puts on while trying to find another person who might be able to win his dueling game for him. After all, he's the one who claims to be a prince, to have been a prince, wanting to reclaim the power of Dios. He is the prince that Touga and Saionji knew, when they biked together to the church and saw Utena hiding in a coffin.

But we also know that who Utena saw in the church was Anthy, a little girl, hurting, that she couldn't help but reach out to.

And why should Akio be there? He has his world in Ohtori that he can't imagine leaving. He sends Anthy to do his work for him, borrowing the power of the Rose Bride since he no longer has the power of the Prince. We know Anthy goes into the world (as Miki and Kozue's new stepmother). We know Anthy is an illusion (you know *hand gestures at everything*, but also specifically Mamiya). Why shouldn't Utena have seen a shining eternal thing, a miracle, the power to revolutionize the world, and remember it as a prince? Why shouldn't she have accepted a ring from the Rose Bride, a promise that if she remains noble and true that they will meet again, and decide that she will be the prince for this bride herself?

And was it a good idea? To follow an illusion that doesn't exist? To be manipulated into a game she can't win? (To reach out a hand to someone caught in a trap?)

Dios has always been Anthy, for Utena.

#revolutionary girl utena #utena

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Kinda tired of the "but Aziraphale is just being mind-controlled" theory. That really takes away agency from him--from someone who is terrified of his own agency and has no idea how to really use it consistently. I mean, please? He's already someone who struggles with learned helplessness and what really feels like religious trauma.

#good omens 2 spoilers #good omens season 2 #or maybe I'm just projecting like woah here #who knows it's not like it's happened before

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I mean, I thought there were sparks flying between Beelzebub and Gabriel from the moment they appeared on the airfield, so this wasn't at all a surprise to me--just a HUGE delight!

#ineffable bureaucracy #good omens 2 spoilers

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Me: *to a friend after she told me about a spoiler for GO2 being posted on Twitter* What was it, that ineffable bureaucracy becomes canon? Me: *today after finishing the season* I was totally kidding and I still called it lol! (But no, for real. That was the BEST and most logical place for the story to go.)

#good omens 2 spoilers #ineffable bureaucracy

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UPS WORKERS HAVE REACHED A DEAL THAT MEETS THEIR DEMANDS AND AVERTED A STRIKE!!!

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being a girl and hitting puberty is so traumatic. you go from being a genderless little free thing to being hit with shaving and makeup and growing breasts and skincare and menstruation and suddenly being sexualised when like a few years ago you could take your shirt off to play in the stream and trade yugioh cards with the boys and come home covered in mud and not even think about it. and then you spend years hating being a girl and hating everything puberty did to you and wishing you could be a boy or be completely genderless again and it takes you Many years to come to terms with yourself Or you simply try to Lean In to everything and do makeup tutorials on YouTube and claim it’s for fun. like how can this be treated as normal

#sexism cw #misogyny cw

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Gentle reminder that very little fandom labor is automated, because I think people forget that a lot.

That blog with a tagging system you love? A person curates those tags by hand.

That rec blog with a great organization scheme and pretty graphics? Someone designed and implemented that organization scheme and made those graphics.

That network that posts a cool variety of stuff? People track down all that variety and queue it by hand, and other people made all the individual pieces.

That post with umpteen links to helpful resources, and information about them? Someone gathered those links, researched the sources, wrote up the information about them.

That graphic about fandom statistics? Someone compiled those statistics, analyzed them, organized them, figured out a useful way to convey the information to others, and made the post.

That event that you think looks neat? Someone wrote the rules, created the blogs and Discords, designed the graphics, did their best to promo the event so it'd succeed.

None of this was done automatically. None of it just appears whole out of the internet ether.

I think everyone realizes that fic writing and fanart creation are work, and at least some folks have got it through their heads that gif creation and graphics and moodboards take effort, and meta is usually respected for the effort that goes into it, at least as far as I've seen, but I feel like a lot of people don't really get how much labor goes into curation, too.

If people are creating resources, curating content, organizing the creations of others, gathering information, and doing other fandom activities that aren't necessarily the direct action of creation, they're doing a lot of fandom labor, and it's often largely unrecognized.

Celebrate fan work!

To folks doing this kind of labor: I see you, and I thank you. You are the backbones of our fandoms and I love you.

#long post

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To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (1995)

Dir. Beeban Kidron

#long post #too wong foo

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So I'm probably going to do a post about Aziraphale, religious trauma, Catholicism, and why I cried hard at the end of Good Opens S2:02.

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Could not agree with this more. Beautiful analysis!

So there's a lot to unpack here but I want to start by talking about the ending and specifically about the Metatron and the calculating moves made at the end of episode 6.

Every single piece of what happened there was a manipulation technique being employed against Aziraphale to an almost brilliant degree and I'm honestly a little obsessed with what this says about the Metatron in particular.

Let's go in order.

First of all. We see him order coffee. In a human body. Something sweet and sugary. He talks to Nina and asks her about her shop name. Does anyone ever ask for death? And when she tells him no they don't his response is to say "so predictable". Our introduction to him here even when everything about him reads like a sweet old man is presented to show us someone who reads the world in terms of being predictable to him.

He then shows up in the middle of Aziraphale's existence being threatened. He immediately cuts down the threat's authority (using outdated language like Az himself would favor) and reemphasizes his own connection to Heaven. When Michael doesn't recognize him and he puts her down and then directly engages Crowley. Crowley who, to Aziraphale, has for centuries at a minimum been someone he thinks is smarter, better, more Good than these other archangels. The Metatron validates these beliefs. Crowley is more Heavenly than these archangels who couldn't even recognize the voice of God when he was standing right in front of them.

The Metatron draws attention to the fact he's in a human body. The kind of body Aziraphale has been in and loved for nearly 6000 years. He then banishes the archangels, implying their morality is in a gray space, and validates Muriel someone we have seen Aziraphale react positively to and someone outside the current power structure. Look at me, he's saying. I see and validate the little guy.

He then tries to talk to Aziraphale. Aziraphale says "I've made my position quite clear." And then the Metatron offers Aziraphale the coffee. This bartering chip, consuming sustenance, is a thing that Aziraphale and Crowley have used as their connective tissue for centuries. It's an olive branch for them. It's giving Aziraphale bodily pleasure and the Metatron implies that he himself has partaken also - a thing we know that Aziraphale has struggled historically with moralizing. He is seen by the closest thing he has left to his parent and he is having old fears validated as safe and old habits being played upon to make him feel secure

He then REMOVES Aziraphale from his home terf. Not only does he remove Crowley from the equation but he takes Aziraphale from the place that has stood as a place of sanctuary throughout the entirety of the season. The shop is Safe and Aziraphale is leaving it and he is leaving the one person who might be able to smell the bullshit coming from the Metatron. The music notably turns absolutely dire here.

The next time we see them the Metatron tells Aziraphale that he doesn't need to answer instantly. He can take his time, if he likes. All the time he needs. And then tells him to go tell Crowley. Once again bringing Crowley in as a valid part of this whole manufacturing a scenario where he can't possibly be.

Az ends up in a place where he's overwhelmed and confused and he wants so badly to believe what he's being told. It's an appealing thing from his perspective! He feels off kilter like he's made a mistake in judging the Metatron. He can't even fully articulate what happened to Crowley at first and he's had absolutely no real time to actually think it through. He's running on sheer reactive energy.

The Metatron starts their conversation by asking Aziraphale's opinion. Who should rule Heaven? This is once again playing into making Az feel validated and like he's a part of this decision making process. The Metatron corrects him, complimenting Aziraphale and making him feel capable and in control. He reassures Aziraphale's bafflement. And draws attention to some traits that, while true of Aziraphale around Crowley, are not his defining traits in the eyes of Heaven. You don't just tell people what they want to hear I find particularly notable in this regard given Aziraphale spent most of his time on earth actively lying to Heaven and doing just that. But it fits into the narrative Aziraphale has built around himself, especially post Apocalypse. The Metatron then says I need you (a phrase Az will use much more painfully here in a minute).

And even after all this Aziraphale says no. He says flat out he doesn't want to go back to Heaven. He says this!!! And then the Metatron sweetens the pot. He swaps tactics. Not once has this come up until Aziraphale pushes back against the idea. If the Metatron could've gotten him without using it I have no doubt he wouldn't have bothered with it. Come to Heaven and we can save Crowley. Aziraphale loves Crowley. Aziraphale thinks Crowley is better than any of the angels he's interacted with. Crowley is Good and Nice and Kind and always saving him and now he's being presented with a way to return that. He can Forgive Crowley - a thing Crowley has always presented to Aziraphale as something he struggles with. All of these things Aziraphale has watched Crowley react to in a way that belittles himself or distances them from one another. Of course he wouldn't consider that maybe what he was actually saying is "I'm unforgivable and I don't want that forgiveness."

The Metatron offers Aziraphale the offer of Dream Offer for the pre Armageddon Aziraphale. You can keep your Crowley. You can heal him like you have always thought he deserved. You can have power and control the people who for your whole existence has beaten you down. It can go back to how it was but BETTER.

When Aziraphale leaves he still hasn't answered. He goes and has the conversation they have. It's intense and emotional and the Metatron comes in after the Moment all casual and asks how it goes, knowing fully well the shitstorm he had just set up to get created. And then he turns around and says "always did want to go his own way" which is not only true of Crowley but framed as a bad thing despite the fact that he has just spent twenty minutes or so telling Aziraphale that he's done his own thing is Good. He is playing both sides of this perspective as it suits him. And then he cuts down Crowley asking questions, pressuring Aziraphale to avoid doing the same. He then proceeds to ask Aziraphale not if he's made up his mind but if he's ready to get started. He is one by one closing off exit routes to this thing as Aziraphale starts to look more and more panicked and indecisive. He makes sure the bookshop is in good hands and asks Aziraphale if there's anything he needs to take with him. Letting Aziraphale have the illusion of choice while cutting down "I don't want to" as an option altogether.

And Az, as soon as the Metatron is out of shot, tries to express this. And then he falls back right on old coping methods. The Metatron pats him on the head. Reassures that he's the right one for this. That he is Good. That his particular set is needed here.

It is a masterstroke of manipulation. A very dark twist on what we see Crowley so time and time again with Aziraphale throughout the millennia. Familiar in a way that makes Aziraphale feel safe. Except this time this is being used to put him back in line. It's brilliant and painful and it fucking hurt and I need a season 3 to see the Metatron get what's coming to him stat.

#good omens 2 spoilers #gospoilers

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“Love has two faces: one of them is the face of devastation.” So very true.

Hugo Simberg, The Garden of Death, 1896.

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Not many people talk about how deep emotional neglect hurts you.

I’m afraid to want things. I’m afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid to tell someone something if they seem in a bad mood. I can’t process when someone is nice to me. I can’t handle rejection, but my brain literally short circuits if someone gives me a compliment to the point where sometimes the rejection is better.

There are lots of overlap with emotional abuse, but emotional neglect hurts just as much. And it’s even worse that it usually goes undetected, so a lot of people can’t tell they’re being neglected until it’s too late.

#cw: abuse #cw: emotional neglect

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I couldn’t agree more. I once had a friend go absolutely nuclear on me because she told me six months ago that her cat had allergies. I forgot and asked her why her cat couldn’t go outside anymore. (Note: I didn’t let the cat outside or do any damage to the cat. I just forgot why she didn’t let it out anymore.) 

One thing I urge adults to unlearn is the stigma surrounding forgetfulness.

Perfect memory retention is rare. A faulty memory can be the result a host of mental illnesses, from ADHD to PTSD. It's not a sign that someone wasn't listening. I have a friend that has a four year gap in her memory due to trauma. I have another with poor short term memory retention because that's one of their autism symptoms.

Your brain can also trick you into misremembering things. I can't tell you how many times I've remembered putting my keys somewhere and unearthed them in a completely different place. I have to remind myself what my birth date is because I said it wrong once and now the wrong date is in my memory forever. I have to come up with mnemonics for birthdays, anniversaries, and events because my brain doesn't do numbers for some reason.

I see people bicker about forgetting a person's favorite food or what their mothers favorite color. I think it's important to forgive people who forget easily.

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Okay but what if I really want this?

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It’s already happening. Like guys I cannot emphasize this enough the studios are going to make content creators the deal of a lifetime because they have a void to fill and those content creators will then be on the do not work list for the rest of their professional lives.