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caesthetix · 2 years

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HAPPY IS HER — Part 2

↪ Jean Kirstein mini-series

↪ content; canon universe, description of violence, season 4, reincarnation!au, heavy angst

Was it three? Four? Jean didn't really count how many years had passed since the last time he saw you. It was the happiest day of his life when he finally married the woman of his dreams, the first love from his previous lifetime, and his forever more in this one, too. How romantic. To love the same person over and over again.

The venue was decorated so prettily, and he wanted to thank you along with his wife for creating such a blast. You were the best wedding organiser out there, at least to him, you were. Ever since he bumped into you inside the antique bookshops, spending about five years with you as a dear friend, he knew he could count on you.

So imagine his surprise when there was only your assistant idling around by the end of the day. With a folder in her hand and a notebook with your handwritten tucked inside. Something for him. Just him, not the others, and of course not for Mikasa.

He needed time to understand the reason. Reading page by page for a bazillion of times since he was afraid he missed some information. He hoped you hinted where you would go or what you were going to do in between the lines as his heart skipped a beat faster. Thinking that maybe you tried to say something.

But even after he read it every day before he fell asleep, Jean learned nothing from it except a little fairy tale that was now engraved in his brain.

There was a little girl. So naïve — not knowing what kind of danger lingered outside the wall.

Walls. Titans. Such a bizarre story you had written there. About survival, friendship, different beliefs and so many more condensed into your notebook. There were some sentences he felt so familiar with, especially when the girl interacted with her best friend. Some promises, the banter and how they teased each other.

Jean had a smile plastered on his face every time he read it, as if he was reminiscing some old memories. One that he could never forget with how precious it was to him.

One that he eventually did without him being aware of it.

"I am ready now." Turning around, he couldn't help but wolf-whistle when he saw how gorgeous his wife was. "Do I look good?" She twirled around, raven hair floating in the air as she showed off her emerald body-con dress, hugging her body so perfectly.

"Babe, all men would be jealous of me to have you in my arms." He let out a small chuckle and pressed a deep kiss on her lips, leaving a wet smack sound when he pulled away. "Let's go then. I am betting the others are waiting."

Mikasa Ackerman, now Mikasa Kirstein. The smugness on his face every time he remembered how his friend gawked at him never faltered. Even after years went by, he was still proud of having such a pretty lady to be called as his wife. The days that went by felt like he was newly wed all over again since she never once changed.

Something that made him want to wake up every morning, knowing how perfect his life was. Yes, perfect. But not complete, never complete.

Jean didn't know what else he needed. He had a wife that loved him so, a stable job in such a prestigious law firm, and an adorable dog that had become their kid for the last couple of years. Marco once told him that maybe he wanted a baby, but even when he knew Mikasa could not bear children, he didn't feel disappointed at all.

That was what made him decide to travel around the world in his free time. Taking his wife with him as they went on a random journey every time. He tried to find the meaning of life, what could have possibly made him whole. Some said he needed to be grateful. He did, he always did, with what the world had bestowed upon him.

Yet, after a few years went by, and he still had that gap in his days, he ended up taking it as some kind of redemption, perhaps an atonement over his sin in the past life.

"Goodness, is that Sasha?" Mikasa pointed at someone who was now standing in front of the restaurant with her husband, Niccolo, right beside her. "She smuggled something‌ inside her bag. She never changed, Jean." A small giggle slipped from her lips, followed by a deep chuckle from him as he parked the car.

A reunion. Just a small one in between him, Connie, Sasha, and Marco. The golden quartet, you once said. And the four of them thought it had become a quintet ever since he brought you into his house and introduced you to them. But now, it was back to just them, never once changed as no one actually fitted in as easily as you.

Taking a deep breath, he felt a shiver down his spine the second he was out of his car. Winter was never kind to those who went out, they knew that, but it wouldn't be them if they were not being stubborn. After all, three years had passed ever since Marco moved to New Zealand, and since he was coming back, they had to celebrate.

The second he went inside the restaurant with his wife, a loud cheer from Connie and Sasha resonated throughout the place, making some pairs of eyes turn to face him. Mikasa could only chuckle at that, always loving the warm atmosphere every time the two rascals were around before she pushed Jean to get them.

He didn't waste a time and just ruffled his best friends, feeling so light as he felt like this was the only moment he felt almost complete. When their friends surrounded him, tears pricked the corner of their eyes from too much laughing, making fun of each other to no end to the point they were embarrassing each other.

And for a split second, he thought about how everything could be much better if you were still around. If only you were not gone without a trace.

"Starting the reunion without me?" A smooth, angelic tone that belonged to the only sane person in the group stopped them from killing each other. "I thought we were here to celebrate my return. Guess not, huh?"

"Oh, come here Mr Bodt!"

The husband and wives of the quartet knew ‌it was time for them to enjoy their time, giving their loved ones some moment to reminisce about life. Three years wasn't short for Jean, Marco, Connie and Sasha, who used to spend their time together for probably the first fifteen years of their life since elementary school.

Jean felt like the night was perfect. The fact that one of his best friends returned to Paradis was also a plus. Knowing they could hang out like they used to, having back the routine he once lost, maybe after this, he would feel complete.

And oh, he felt exactly that. He felt in every fibre of his being the second Marco leaned away and cleared his throat to reveal someone else that went with him to the reunion, someone that Jean thought would never see again.

There was you, in all your glory. With the same smile he remembered the last time he saw your face. He couldn't move his body, lips slightly parted as he thought ‌his eyes deceived him. You were here. You were coming back to them, to his life.

He wasn't able to grasp whatever Marco said as the ravenette patted your shoulders. His pupil followed you around, looking at how you kissed Sasha's cheeks and tried to calm her down since she was crying by now. Connie just had his jaw dropped to the ground, saying no way! repeatedly underneath his breath as it grew louder and louder.

You fitted back in so easily. Just like that. Here again as if you never left in the first place. There were so many questions he wanted to ask, so many things he wondered. Jean felt happy, fuming, hurt, all at the same time because he longed to see you, to have you in his life. He had lost you once before. He didn't want to lose you again.

"Hello, Jean." You waved your hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his reverie. "How are you? I saw Mikasa before. She's as pretty as ever! Bet you have been treating her right with how much she glows."

"Oh, you know me." Of course you did. He didn't need to explain or say much since you were the one who knew him best, after all. "I always treat those I love with everything I can give to them, anyway."

The missing piece of the puzzle appeared out of nowhere. Slipping back into his life and making his time searching for it came to waste. It was you. Always did from the first moment he tugged your wrist. The person who was so important that he felt like he had lost something when you were gone without a trace.

You kept your hands on your lap as you sat beside him, with Marco on the other side as he asked what you wanted to order. Jean couldn't help himself but pointed at some dishes on the menu, things that he felt so sure you liked. If those four years you went missing didn't change you, you would pick one of his recommendations.

And the night rolled on without a hitch. No one thought it was weird to see another lady in between the rowdy quartet. Yes, you always belonged there. Not even one spouse thought you weren't supposed to be among them.

Sometimes Connie and Sasha would ask what you had been doing. After all, even though you could click right in with them so easily, they were still curious about what happened in the vast gap of years they missed you. Whether you were happy, whether you missed them too, whether you found someone —

And when you smiled and glanced in his direction. The two immediately kept their lips curled into a soft smile.

They didn't need to ask more. They understood without you needing to elaborate with words. But Jean? He did. He needed to hear you spell it out for him.

However, when stupid banter and over the top jokes replaced the somewhat serene atmosphere from before, he stopped himself. Maybe he could ask you later when the two of you were alone. You were always more open around him, and he hoped a few years apart didn't change that part.

It was almost ten, and they were the only crowd who stayed in this restaurant. The only customer left. Marco felt like it was time for them to end the night, much to everyone's dismay, since tomorrow was Monday anyway.

They had to get enough sleep so they wouldn't get hazy in the morning for work. At the reminder of that, the rest of the group could only groan and nodded, dispersing to get fresh air since there was some alcohol flowing in their blood.

Jean thanked Mikasa for accompanying him, smiling all the way to his ears when she gave him a kiss and told him she would be the one who drove. It was really nice indeed, a surprising night since he didn't expect you to be here again, to appear with his best friend and grace him with your presence that was long gone.

Walking towards the balcony, he lit his cigarette to clear his mind. And lady luck seemed to be on his side tonight the moment he saw you leaned in at the railing with a glass of water in your hand.

"I thought you were going home."

"Hm? Not yet, Jean."

He leaned his back on the railing, puffing out some greyish smoke into the air. Five feet apart, because he knew you disliked the smell of the burned cigarette.

You didn't even turn to face him. Not a gesture of surprise could be seen as he stepped inside your space. He wondered what you were thinking, and most importantly, he wanted to know why you came back after all those years.

"I read your notebook every day." But if he wanted you to tell him everything. He needed to play his card right. "Before I sleep. Every day, ever since I received it."

Jean didn't let you question his commitment. Clarifying what he had done for the last four years. He wanted you to know how much your existence meant to him, and how the past years without you there had been consuming him little by little. Even though you were just his best friend, he cherished you as much as he did for his wife.

"I see." He glanced at you, wanting to see your reaction. You only twirled the mineral water around, not even an ounce of emotion changed your neutral visage. "What do you think, then?"

"It was heartbreaking."

"Of course. It's not really about rainbow and—"

"But also nostalgic, in a way."

Your pupils dilated at his words. There, the exact emotion that he couldn't fathom. You stopped responding; you stopped whatever words you wanted to say and merely — existed. Hell, sometimes he thought you didn't even breathe when you were like this. "I wanted to ask you something. No, a lot of things, actually."

As he took a step closer towards you, it almost made him falter when he saw the way you leaned away. Four years have changed you. He was aware of that. But he still needed you to clarify something, if that was possible. He just needed to know why. He wanted to know what he did wrong for you to leave him in the dust.

Not just him. Connie and Sasha would often ask where you were, and if everything was alright while Marco comforted them. The three of them would be crazy thinking about your whereabouts if only the ravenette didn't calm them down.

"It's late, Jean." You took a deep breath, shutting your eyes for a second there before it laid upon him. "We can talk tomorrow. I am going to move here again so we can catch up anytime we want." That smile on your face. He frowned when he realised it didn't reach your eyes. "After all, your wife waited for you, right?"

It felt like he had been in this place before. In the same situation where he was so close to knowing, to learn about something between you and him, and yet it always dispersed into nothing as you assured him he shouldn't be worried about it.

As if you didn't want him to know. As if you tried to hinder him from finding out the truth.

"Why did you always push me away...?"

He sounded so broken when he threw the question, and you gaped at how vulnerable the intonation that lingered there. "Do you know something? Have you seen any memories from the past? Is it that bad with me?"

"Jean, no. I—" You wanted to calm him down. Your palm was hovering right in front of his chest, but you stopped yourself. It looked like you were scared to touch him. "I can't. Please know that I can't talk about this. There's a reason and maybe one day you could understand. But I hope you didn't. I really hope you never did."

"So you actually see the past." He snorted in disbelief. All those times he tried to tell you about the awakened memories. All those years, he thought you were clueless and just another normal human being. It was a lie. "Then you know? On my wedding day, I was so close to see it through but you didn't let me, you — you lied to me!"

"Jean!"

"And why is that, huh? Am I turned out to be such a despicable person? Is that the reason ‌you moved away, telling no one about it?!"

"No! You don't understand! The past few years also tortured me! But I did it because I must evade you, Jean. I did it for you—"

"Everything's okay?"

The two heads whipped towards the source of the voice. Marco raised one of his eyebrows before scrunching his forehead since he would never have thought to see you and Jean having a heated argument. "It's late. I think both of you drank too much liquor. If there's something you both need to talk about, I suggest tomorrow."

He strode right beside you, standing so close, as if he tried to shield you from Jean. The taller man could only look down at his best friend with disbelief before grumbling a bit underneath his breath.

A ravenette, always a ravenette. The one who blocked him from unravelling his own memory was Mikasa back then, and now it was Marco.

"Fine, then."

"Good. I am sure Mikasa is waiting for you, too."

Marco smiled at him, and the tension Jean felt slowly lifted off his shoulder. His best friend was right, he had to go back since Mikasa had been so kind to wait for him. What a perfect woman indeed, and he gave a small nod towards the freckled man.

From your words, you were really going to stay here again. So if by chance he could grab a coffee with you, he would continue this conversation then. Completely sober because he didn't want to mess things up. "We will see you later, Jean. Goodnight."

"Yeah, pal. Good—"

"You know, Jean?" He was barely done replenishing the gas for his manoeuvring gear when Marco sat beside him. "I think you are not really in love with Mikasa."

"What?" Jean stopped what he did. All the shouts of excitement from another cadet were muted as he could only hear his best friend's voice. Marco had the audacity to have a smirk on his face, not facing him still as he fixed his boots. "Oi, how come you say that?"

"Because it's the truth. You actually put your heart in your sleeve, Jean."

Jean immediately stood from where he sat, forcing the freckled boy to look at him because of his abrupt movement. He didn't know where the ravenette got that idea from. And surely he didn't expect him to say it now when they were going to climb back on top of the wall after retaking the headquarters. Couldn't he wait to discuss this? Something as — important as his heart?

"No, I am not." He jutted his lips out, something that only elicited a chuckle from his best friend. Something that made Jean scowl even more now. "I adore her entire existence, Marco. She is the prettiest woman out there. So brave and the greatest soldier in our ranks. Shit, even when all she could think of was Eren, I still want her!"

"Are you really?" Those light brown orbs fixated on someone behind him, one that he immediately followed since he wanted to know what Marco had been trying to say to him.

Sasha slumped herself towards you, practically crying and wailed some gratitude on your chest. You were not even trying to get her off you, understanding how shocked she would have been since a titan almost got her. If you were not there to kill the one she was assigned to before, maybe Sasha wouldn't even be here right now.

You and your gentle nature, so nurturing to those around but at the same time could be such a clown around them. Jean only let out a small chuckle at the sight of the two girls, and when you realised ‌he had been looking at you, he could feel his cheeks heated.

But he didn't look away, not feeling embarrassed that you caught him, not at all.

"I couldn't really hide things from you, huh, Marco?" He whispered out underneath his breath, just enough for the ravenette to hear him. "Since when did you know about it?"

"Since the first day, maybe." Turning around, he faced Marco once again, who was now down with the preparation. "You always talked about her, telling me about her stupid antics. And of course, that soft smile on your face, Jean."

"Yeah, can't help it when she always makes me feel like I am..." He chuckled. The smile reached his eyes in the middle of this hellish time from just the thought of you. "...whole."

Jean didn't want anyone to know, actually. About how he was secretly in love with his best friend, someone who knew him like the back of their hand. He once asked Connie to nudge the idea of him liking you, but the bald boy said you only fake gagged and walked away, a sign that Jean took for him to take a step back.

The world only needed to know that Mikasa Ackerman rejected him. One person was enough. He didn't need them to know you also did.

"Why do you hide it away, though?"

"Oh, come on, Marco." His chuckle now turned bitter. "I am not risking what I already have with her."

Jean swallowed an enormous lump before turning around, beckoning his best friend to follow suit, as he didn't want to talk about this anymore. With Mikasa, it was fine because they started as strangers. But with you? He clicked with your mind and taste in joke, practically chose you as his ally since day one he saw you tamed Sasha.

He didn't want to throw the dice, wondering if maybe he could have more with you. So he decided to just love Mikasa, continuing his admiration while still ‌keeping you close.

Because he was aware, he wouldn't feel complete without you in his life.

Jean sucked a deep breath, not believing himself or what he just saw. Everything, everything. It felt like time stopped as all the memories from his past life came into him. Not just a glimpse, not just a spark or anything he had seen before when he was with Mikasa or anyone else he met before.

It was just a playful pat from Marco on his shoulder, but he swore it made his legs wobble for a second there as if the freckled man tried to push him off the balcony. He couldn't breathe, not knowing where the oxygen in his lungs went with ‌these memories came to him like a hurdle of waves, trying to drown him out.

He wanted to reach out towards you and the ravenette who was already walking away. Marco had his left hand intertwined with yours, practically pulling you away from him and it just — it wasn't fair and it hurt.

"Hey."

Jean called out to you, feeling so relieved when you stopped walking and took another look at him. Right now, there was only you in his eyes. You, the one who knew him best, maybe the same or even more than the man who stood behind you.

There were so many things he wanted to say. So many words that were left unsaid after the whirlpool of emotion came crashing down at him. And when you pursed your lips, when he saw tears glossed your eyes despite you tried to keep it at bay, he had a feeling that you knew.

Oh, you knew that he knew.

The promises. What he had said before in the life where the two of you were reckless soldiers, everything went up to the surface after being buried by nature.

So this was the reason ‌you always had some kind of subtle reaction when he talked about Mikasa. This was the reason ‌you ended up moving to another place without telling him, the thing that pushed you to go away and settled your heart somewhere else.

Because you realise the promises had been broken the second he said I do, four years ago, in front of Mikasa Ackerman.

"I promise, I promise I will find you one day."

He did. He found you here in this lifetime. A place without titan, without the two of you having to be afraid that every moment would be the last.

"We will be happy by then."

However, it was nothing like the one he had in mine. Not the one you had been waiting for. The two of you didn't meet and fall in love, not married to one another and have kids or anything you were supposed to tell him. The house he bought in previous lifetime and this one — it wasn't for you. Not for you to take a shelter in with him.

He could have that. If only in this life too, he was willing to gamble his friendship with you. Maybe you were the one who had his last name instead of the woman who now waited for him in the driver's seat.

But the two of you were aware that maybe, no matter what kind of world he resided in, this was how it would end with you.

"Y-Yes, Jean?"

With him to live and fall in love with someone else, and you to stay in his life as nothing more but a dearest friend.

"Congratulations on the engagement, both of you."

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caesthetix · 2 years

Text

HAPPY IS HER — Part 1

↪ Jean Kirstein mini-series

↪ content; canon universe, description of violence, season 4, reincarnation!au, heavy angst

“Will you marry me?”

You stopped putting up the blade on the scabbard when you heard the question from behind you. At this messed up moment, you never expected someone to make such a crucial proposition, not when in a few minutes from now you were ready to board the flying boat, ready to put your life on the line to save the world.

The question echoed at the back of your mind, and you were still debating whether it was a good thing to turn around and acknowledge the marriage proposal you received or just shrugged it off. You were not in a situation to think about something as petty as love, not when one of you probably couldn't make it out alive from this cruel war.

If the two of you were strolling around Trost like what you used to, you would not hesitate to face him. You could imagine yourself with your eyes shining under the bright sunlight, asking what he meant whether he was being serious or just wanted to tease you. And you knew, you would know the answer to his question.

“Don’t joke around at a time like this, Jean.”

But the circumstance you were in right now did not help you to let out the word that you wanted to say. There was no time to be a lovesick woman, there was no time to think about a future that was out of your reach. The thing that you needed to be focused on was for you to give everything you had to fight the founding titan.

You really hoped that he would drop the question and just let you go, because you knew your heart too well, and saying no to him was something that had been a struggle for you ever since the two of you were just stupid brats in the Cadet Corps.

“You know I will never joke about something as important as this.”

No air could fill your lungs at this point, and you felt your legs wobble slightly from the earnest tone that he used. “Hey, just listen to me, okay? Turn around, face me at least if you want to say no. Rejection is something that I have been through my whole life anyway.”

That was it. That was probably the reason you didn’t want to face him. You knew. You were there. Your eyes caught everything for the past years ever since you knew him, and you swore from the bottom of your heart that you would do anything if only he could look at you like how he saw the beautiful, multi-talented ravenette that now was chatting with Armin.

He was not serious with the question, probably he was, but he would never be serious when it came to his own feelings. Him loving you? That was probably the stupidest, deceitful, delusional thing that ever crossed your mind. And you knew the reason why he threw that question at you instead of her.

Because as for now, she only had eyes on someone else, the same person that was trying to commit worldwide genocide, excluding Paradis, the same person that everyone was trying to take down with their blades and guns.

“Why do you want to marry me in the first place, Jean?” You tried as hard as you could not to let your voice waver, still not facing him as you didn’t want to show how pitiful you looked right now. “You would never want to marry me. We fight now and then, we bicker all the time—”

“Because you are the one who knows me best, that’s why.” He cut you off, perhaps still blinded by his own selfishness at this point. You should have known that he would never drop this off so easily, and you could only grit your teeth, not wanting to lash out. “You know me so well, no one else could understand me as much as you do. So please, I-I will love you—”

“Can you even promise that you are going to love me?” You swallowed a huge lump, waiting for his response to such a simple question. Something that never came for the next few seconds. “See, Jean?” Then you turned around, locking your gaze with his as you saw how his pupils widened, probably because he finally saw the tears that streamed down your face. “You couldn’t even promise that you are going to love me back.”

You felt so dumb right now, hands shaking from the feelings that you always buried deep inside your heart. All these years, you always knew your place, you knew you could never be as perfect as the woman that he loved. Yet he just needed to bring it up, to ask something that you wanted nothing but to answer with an excited yes.

If only you didn’t know, if only you could blind yourself from the truth — you would have run to him right now, wrapping your arms around his neck and smashing your lips against his. Something that consistently appeared in your mind with how much you wanted to know how he tasted.

But that was the thing you could never do. You watched on the sideline for the seven years you had known him, knowing how in love he was. Everything was imprinted in your mind, so you knew you could never act like you didn’t notice that he would be ready to give his own life just to save her.

He was standing still from his place, lips parted even though there were no words that rolled down his tongue. You couldn’t blame him, even though he could be such a selfish jerk sometimes, he was someone that would never want to hurt his comrades. Especially not to someone like you who was always there for him through thick and thin.

There were a few pairs of eyes that turned to look at you two, possibly debating if they should intervene or just let everything happen as it was. You knew they were probably only getting worried that there would be a huge fight that could lead to nothing but regret in later days, even so, you didn’t like the non-existent privacy that you had then.

Inhaling the air through your nose, making the salty scent of the ocean tickle your nostrils, you decided to be the one who just let it go. It didn’t matter anyway, no matter how many things you wanted to tell him, there was no alternative future where Jean Kirstein was in love with you.

Therefore, with a heavy heart, you walked past him, leaving him to contemplate alone about his own feelings. He didn’t call out to you, not trying to stop you from walking away, so you knew that he probably understood by now that asking you to marry him was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life.

Although you wished, you really wished in your wildest dream that perhaps someday, you could hear him ask the exact same question to you.

Using an intonation filled with certainty, with his whole heart loving every part of your being.

Your fingertips trailing the white silk napery that was draped neatly on top of a round, wooden table. A smile etched on your face since you knew today would be perfect. Everything was in place, and you couldn’t feel better knowing that the weather was excellent at the moment.

White dress wrapped around your figure, and you felt so beautiful and confident wearing it. Leaving the table where the tall wedding cake was placed before, you sauntered through the venue to greet each guest that you met along the way, with the same smile that never wavered as they congratulated you for today.

You didn’t realise how a pair of molten copper eyes looking at you with pride glinting inside his orbs, praising you internally as he felt so blessed that you were here. From the very first start he met you, he knew there was something about your existence that made him want nothing but to keep you in his life.

He recalled how he bumped into you a few years back in a bookstore, and even though you were ready to slip away from him after muttering a small apology, he couldn’t help himself but grip your wrist, telling you to wait.

And despite the embarrassment that took him from gripping a stranger’s wrist, he thanked himself for not letting you go that easily.

Because now, you had become such an important person in his life, someone that he would always cherish no matter what.

“Is everything ready?”

You flinched when you felt someone’s breath on your ear, making you yelp since you were just done greeting another guest that asked you where to sit.

“Jean!” Turning your head to face him, you whispered-shout at his face before punching his chest lightly, an action that elicited a low chuckle coming from his lips. “What are you doing here? Goodness! The groom shouldn’t wander around the venue like this, you know?”

Your pout always looked so adorable, and that was one of the reasons why he always loved to tease you. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t have a single day pass without trying to mess with your head. And despite how annoying he could be, you always stayed and gave him your attention.

“You are not supposed to be here either.” He gently flicked your chin, and he let out another chuckle when you hissed from his action.

“Fuck it, Jean. At this point, I ask myself what the meaning of my existence in your life actually is.” You scoffed, rolling your eyes in a mocking tone as you folded your arms in front of your chest. “You always tease me! Why do you even want me here in the first place? I would end up to be—”

“Because you are the one who knows me best, that’s why.”

He swore he could see your pupils dilated slightly from his words, and it made him stop laughing at you, since he saw that emotion inside your eyes all over again. You were always like this sometimes, to suddenly stop talking, stop responding to anything for a few seconds as if your whole life was fleeting through your mind.

But then it was back to normal, and the emotionless facade that you had before now slowly filled with another expression.

“Is that supposed to be a compliment, Jean Kirstein?”

Though somehow, he could sense something from the way you called his name just now. Something that he didn’t know what it was, but it made him scared and oddly nostalgic at the same time.

“Well, it's—”

“Jean! It’s the time!”

A gentle, familiar voice called out to him. And the atmosphere that was built nicely around the two of you suddenly vanished into the thin air. Both of you turned to the source of the voice, finding the beautiful ravenette woman waving in your direction. “Connie is waiting for you in the dressing room!”

“I’ll be there soon, love!”

He waved back, though he didn’t move his feet even until the woman walked away from the scene. Today was his wedding day, and he was supposed to be so thrilled and felt all of the excitement in his heart. In a few minutes from now, the love of his life, his first love and dream girl would be his wife, but at the moment, he didn’t want to leave you alone just yet.

“So, where are—”

"Nevermind, Jean. She called." You took a few steps backwards, giving him and you a proper gap. But his face never left you as somehow he felt something that rooted him to his place. "Jean, your bride called." Snapping two fingers in front of his face, he finally could regain himself, and a small nervous chuckle slipped from his lips when he realised that he was daydreaming before.

"Yeah, yeah. My bride, yes." He cleared his throat, averting your gaze completely since somehow he could not take a look at you. When you saw this, you raised one of your eyebrows, wondering why he stayed here when his bride already called him to prepare himself and wear the wedding suit.

“Don’t tell me you had wedding jitters, Jean.”

“H-Huh? Why would I? Mikasa is perfect, and—”

“And you were always meant to be with her, I know.” You chuckled a little, though it didn’t sound as sincere as usual, but he shrugged it off. “You always told me about it, that you have met her before, perhaps in your previous life, right?” He nodded at that, letting out a long sigh as he swept his hair to the back. “So what’s on your mind? Why are you still standing here with me? You are so close to marrying her again, Jean.”

“I promise, I promise I will find you one day.”

A flicker of memory appeared out of nowhere, something that usually happened only when his fiancée was around. But these days as you helped him plan his wedding day and became his wedding organiser, another part of an unknown memory appeared in his mind, little by little without any concrete context.

And it stressed him out more than anything, because he was afraid that he took a wrong path, or not knowing something that he should have remembered.

“I-I just feel like I have a promise to someone else, I guess.” He swallowed a huge lump, averting his gaze to the side, making him miss the way your eyes watered slightly. “And that someone else, that someone else is you! But I can’t remember what it was, I don’t know—”

“Jean.” You stopped him, resting your palm on his chest as you didn’t want to hear anything else from him. His copper eyes went back towards your face with pupils dilated slightly, wanting to calm himself down. “You don’t have to think about it.” But he didn’t need to try, not with you gazing at him with such tenderness and care that gave him contentment already.

Panting a little, he bit his upper lip since he was still stressed. He really wanted to know what it was, the promise that he made with you and why he said such a thing. There were no other sentences, he could only hear himself saying that to you in his past life, but he didn’t know the reason behind it, making him so anxious.

Though now, you were standing tall before him with a look that he couldn’t quite fathom despite how comforting it was to him. “You know I never remember anything from my past, Jean. Perhaps you promised something because we are friends, whatever it was though, it doesn’t matter.” He didn’t know anymore if you were trying to reassure him or yourself, but he listened to your words and took it all in. “It was nothing, okay? What matters is here, now. In this life where you love her again.”

His fingers gently wrapped around your wrist, subconsciously caressing it as he processed your words. He was a little bit of a hypocrite when he realised that. No matter how many times he didn’t want to get so hung up over the same woman that he loved in his past life, he ended up to be a hopeless romantic, thinking how beautiful it was to recreate something that happened once.

“Yeah, you are right.” He chuckled to let out the awkwardness that he felt before ruffling your hair a little. “You are always right. I am glad you are here in my life.”

Your smile only widened at that, and you couldn’t help but lean in and pressed a platonic kiss on his cheek. You didn’t realise how his body went frozen in place for a moment there, but as you pulled away, he already fixed himself and just gave you a cheeky smile, as if to tease him.

“Now go, go dress yourself to the nines.” You patted his chest one more time before pushing him forward. “Go! You are going to be the happiest man alive!” And he ambled away. Even though a bit unsteady, he kept on going, now with a more stable emotion.

For sure, there was nothing else that he should be worried about. You were here, you would always be here for him, the best friend that never left his side, just like Connie, Marco and Sasha. And he knew you were always right. Anything that happened in his past life didn’t matter.

What mattered was what happened here, now, and that was for him to be the husband of someone he had been in love with for the past few years.

You could only watch his back as he ran to a secured future that he always dreamed of. Standing there alone, you waited until he was gone from your sight, wanting to be there in case he would look back and needing some assurance.

But the second he was gone inside the building, you immediately darted towards the nearest bathroom.

There were a lot of things that happened in your mind right now; you wanted to throw up from the nausea that you felt, you wanted to cry from the lie you had committed to ever since you met him, you wanted to just move to another state and forget that you had a life here.

Although you knew it was not possible, not when your days had been filled with his existence, and even though you would always be the best friend in whatever life you had — you knew you could never erase himself completely.

Locking the bathroom’s door, you immediately collapsed on the seat that was placed in the middle of the room, wanting to calm down as you finally felt your heart break into a million little pieces. After years swallowing down the truth, after years you hid what you knew, the dam broke freely with no one there to fix it.

“Shit! Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me too.” You couldn’t feel anything as your body felt so numb, eyes looking up to the skies that were so clear you couldn’t see any clouds on it. “Hey, hey, look at me.” But then someone tilted your head so you could face him, and you were met with the familiar copper orbs that you always loved to stare at.

It was Jean, your best friend ever since the two of you were in the Cadet Corps. You despised his cocky attitude at first, not liking how he was so hostile toward others. Yet as time went by and you started to get to know him better, he was actually a lot more human than any other person you ever met.

You could feel his finger tucking the strands of hair behind your ear, as if wanting to see you more clearly. At first you were so lost, you didn’t know what happened right now and you wanted nothing but to ask him. But as you felt the excruciating pain at your abdomen, everything replayed at the back of your head.

One of the titan ancestors bit you, hard, and you were pretty sure you would have fallen by now, perhaps crushed underneath the colossal titans who's currently splat everything in their way. Instead, you were here now in the arms of the man that you loved so much, and you parted your lips, wanting to tell him the words that you wanted to say.

You wanted to do it all. You wanted to scream at him that you have always been in love with him, you wanted to pull his collars and smash your lips with his, you wanted to stay alive and see the world with him and the others.

“Y-Yes.”

But from all the things that you wanted to do, you could only utter that one word, and you hoped he understood the meaning behind it. However, from how his irises widened after that, you were certain that he knew. Tears welled up in his eyes, and for once he didn’t care if he could be killed during this time for wanting to stay by your side at the last minute of your life.

“Listen to me, don’t say anything, just listen to me.” He swallowed a huge lump and held your hand, squeezing it tight since he wanted you to feel that you were not alone. “I am going to find you, in another life, I will. We are going to meet up, fall in love, get married to each other, have kids if you want that, anything you want! Anything, anything you want me to.”

Jean said it all in one take of breath, afraid that you were already gone by now. “I promise, I promise I will find you one day.” And his lips shaped into a thin smile as he saw your peaceful face. “We will be happy by then.” Whispering one last time before hurriedly pressing his lips on yours, giving you the warmth that you always wanted to taste.

You clapped your hands as you stood up from your seat, wearing the best smile that you could offer as you watched him leaning down to kiss her, to kiss the same woman that was fated to be loved by someone as wonderful as him.

Truthfully, you felt like a masochist for wanting to be here. There were a lot of good wedding organisers out there, but he decided to call you, using the same sentence that he chose you because he knew you would never disappoint — that you were the one who knew him best.

He looked so majestic with the white wedding suit wrapped perfectly to compliment his tall figure. You didn’t count how many times you wanted to break down seeing him in white like this, not when you already promised to yourself that you were going to do anything to make him the happiest man alive.

The smile that now radiated from his face, the tears that pricked at the corner of his eyes as he looked at the guest, it was enough sign that you did the right thing.

Even in this life, you knew that he was meant to be with her. When you received tons of miss calls from him a few months after the two of you had become close friends and told you everything about this perfect woman, you already surrendered your own happiness for his.

He sounded so excited that day, gushing at you about this one ravenette he met at the cafe. Someone with the most beautiful hair that he always saw, someone that you knew her name was even without him telling you first.

You listened to him, every single day, about how he wanted to be with her. He told you when he accidentally touched her hand; he felt a spark that felt so nostalgic, and he saw how he was kissing her in perhaps his past life. And when you received such information, when you connected the dots about the things that happened after you die, you immediately set that one goal in your life.

That, whatever happened, he had to get her. She always ended up being the one he loved the most, and there was nothing you could do to change that. Jean never gave any sign that he recognised you either, so you knew there was no point for you to ask him about the promise that he made.

In this life where there were no cruel monsters, you thought perhaps you would find love in the form of him. But it was not possible, not when she was his true love, and you had to accept the fact that you would always just become the woman who knew him best — nothing else but that.

And even though you had to endure the same pain that you felt in your previous life, watching the man that you gave your whole heart to be head over heels with someone else, you regretted nothing.

Because you were sure that you and your heart would make it through, just like you always did from the start.

↪ Back to Wall Maria

↪ Citizen; @yumaryko @may-machin @cuteissei @sanchooinc

↪ Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

#jean kirschtien #Jean Kirschstein #jean kirstein x reader #jean kirschtein x reader #jean kirstein #jean x reader #jean kirschtein fanfiction #jean kirschtein imagine #jean kirstein imagine #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan imagine

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caesthetix · 2 years

Text

BUMP THIS AGAIN BECAUSE WELL,

Save a fanfic writer, leave comments on old fics

There is this a peculiar set of reasons and biases when it comes to NOT commenting on AO3.

They are all false, but here they are:

Do not comment on old fics

Do not comment on each chapter of a multichapter

Do not comment if the author left the fandom

Do not comment if the author doesn’t respond to comments

It can be summoned up as DO NOT ACT LIKE YOU ENJOYED THE WORK AND YOU LIKE THE AUTHOR.

It comes from the idea, that if you leave a comment on my old work, or leave too many comments, I will think you are strange, clingy, and gross.

Readers are imagining it as commenting on an old Facebook photo — only your granny and creepy strangers do that.

That is not the case with AO3.

Writers put their works there for long-term storage, and we expect, wish, and hope that you will like our works and tell us about it.

This all very interesting, not, but why should I care?

This has awful consequences. Fanfic authors feel constant pressure to create more and crippling fear of being forgotten, useless, and being literally kicked away from fandom.

I’m online friends with a few great fandom authors, who wrote storied with thousands of kudos, but ALL of them at some point expressed this fear. Very talented people told me, “I’m not sure if I should have ‘writer’ in my bio. I didn’t post anything new in the last half of a year.”

Some young or entitled readers might say, “Hm, well, they are right. They should create MORE to be relevant. Isn’t that a good thing to push authors to write more?”

For better or worse, life doesn’t work like that. We are talking about real people, who go to real schools, have real jobs, families, and all the other important things outside the fandom. Some of them might push to create more from that fear, but most would only get more frustrated and depressed about the whole fanfic writing.

So, please, if you like the work comment on it.

Even if it’s old, even if it’s a multichapter, even if the author doesn’t have time and energy to interact. Especially in all those cases.

Encourage your authors, and show them your support.

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caesthetix · 3 years

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Damn I really need to update this here fast... I already reach part 4 or 5 in Ao3😭

GREAT DESCENDANTS — Attack on Titan

Status: On-Going

This mission was a one-way ticket, and there would be a lot of possibilities that it could go wrong. Retrieving the founding titan within the enemies land was something that shouldn’t have been burdened to five innocent children, but that was exactly what happened now. That was exactly what your country did.

But no, they were not just a mundane kid that people could find running around the street with a smile on their faces. They were born as warriors, trained even harder than any soldiers in the world. Their mental was tested by the endless rite of passages, physics match those who fought in war their whole life.

A total of seven chosen candidates became the best weapon in the world. A living war machine, ready to do exactly what their country commanded them to; no question, no hesitation.

Those warriors were the last hope to save the world.

And you stood among them.

content; graphic violence, mention of blood, unrequited love, pining, friends to lovers, enemy to lovers, slowburn, multiple love interest, season 4 spoiler, future manga spoiler on later chapter, detailed background, she/her pronounce for mc

MASTERLIST

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

To be added

↪Send an ask OR reply on the masterlist if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

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caesthetix · 3 years

Note

heyy just dropping by to say i LOVE your writings so much!! and i was wondering if i could be added to ur taglist? like for every single writing you post, i want to know right away!! thank u sm and have a great day!🤗

Aaaahhh thank you so much for telling me this! Alright I will put your name as the citizen💕 I hope you have a great day too! Stay safe and keep yourself hydrated, dear!

#caes.citizen #caes.sanchooinc

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caesthetix · 3 years

Text

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I JOINED AN ATTACK ON TITAN ZINE 💕💕💕

The concept itself is Warriors!Modern AU — where all of the warriors, warriors candidates, and even some of the important people from Marley having a huge role in this nowadays community.

There are chefs, influencer, actor, businessman and businesswoman, star athlete, supermodel, ambassador, musician and so many more!

You guys can check out their twitter HERE reblogs would be v much appreciated! Thank you!

*Zine would be distributed in Indonesia with Bahasa Indonesia as the main language. But if we got a lot of humble support, we might getting it distributed internationally, who knows?^^

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caesthetix · 3 years

Text

GREAT DESCENDANT — Pt. 2 Extra Bread

↪Attack on Titan series

↪content; warrior!reader, aged-up character, graphic description of violence, slow burn, season 4 spoiler

"T-Thank you, sir!"

He stuttered out and bowed a little to the soldier who gave him five loaves of bread. Though the older man did not acknowledge his gratitude at all, instead he just sneered at him, making him flinch since he was reminded of the fact that this island filled with demons.

His long feet stride out from the line, wanting to get back to where his friends waited. Today it was his duty to get the food for his companions, and it needed all of his courage to utter how many people in his family were left when the soldier asked him.

Four, it was the right answer that he was supposed to say. But he couldn't help but stutter five instead. It had only been a few weeks after they breached the outer wall, Maria, and yet he still couldn't believe that it was only the four of them now.

Each of them was grieving. Annie would now scowl a lot and buried her face in her hands, not wanting anyone to see the vulnerable look on her face. Reiner was different, he tried to act tough despite the nightmares that often accompanied him in his sleep. While him? He hid his sadness and pain deep inside his heart because he knew that someone suffered more.

You, you didn't talk at all for days as if you were just their shadows. Annie made sure that you were not hurt when he and Reiner crushed the gate. And even though you were not uttering any words, you could do your task ideally without a hitch, and that was to sneak inside with battered clothes, acting like a child who lost everything.

But maybe you were indeed lost everything, that was what he thought when he saw you just staring into spaces without any expression on your face. The bubbly and warm person that he met back then in Marley was nowhere to be found at this point and he hoped that someday he could meet her again.

When his pale green eyes fell to the familiar strands of your hair, he started to run, wanting to give you the bread for today since the sun was up for hours yet no one ate anything just yet. The shelter where all of them were hiding was an abandoned barn just outside the main city, no one knew who the owner of it was, but when Reiner found it empty, they decided to use it as a temporary house.

They just needed to survive for a few years and they could enroll in the military after that. But now they had to make a plan about what they should do in the meantime. Now they were just four orphans who lost everything from wall Maria. A few days ago a soldier gave them a form to fill out, consisting of some questions about names, birth, and the residence they used to live in before.

And that was the first time he heard your voice after weeks wallowing yourself in silence. When Marcel was alive, he told you that you needed to change your last name. Just for a disguise, it was the safest option because who would have expected if someone knew the weight of your name.

"No." You whispered out, one hand scribbling down the paper to write your name. "I am not going to lose my identity. No." There was a lingering pain in your voice that everyone could notice. "I will do anything, Reiner, but not this. This is my last name and I will lose it if someone takes it away from me."

The blonde frowned when he heard your rebellion, you seemed fine when Marcel asked you to do that back then, but now you changed your mind and he wished he knew the words that could sway you. You continued to write down your information without stopping while the boys stared at you with wonder.

Annie knew that you couldn't be forced to do something that you wouldn't do, so she just shrugged it off and focused on her paper, not wanting to spend her time filling forms if she could do it fast. She really thought Reiner would drop it after hearing your statement, but sometimes he just didn't know when to stop.

"Hey, but Marcel would tell you to do the same."

Bertolt could imagine his friend getting beaten up again at this point. But this time not from Annie, instead, he would get it from you who was now gripping so tight on the pencil that he was afraid you would stab the armoured titan inheritor on the neck with it.

"That's the thing, Braun." You gritted your teeth, avoiding yourself for kicking him on the face. And when the poor boy heard you called him by his last name, he knew that he was done for good. "Marcel is not here anymore, and you are not Marcel."

Bertolt made a note on his head that he would never want to get on your bad side. He felt a shiver down his spine at that time when you completely disregarded Reiner, and those words were not even for him. He couldn't imagine what his friend felt, must be hell for sure.

"Hey, I-I got the food for us today." Stopping on his track right in front of you. You were currently cleaning up the dust on the window, he recalled you said that you despised dirty windowpane last night, and he raised his eyebrow since he wondered how you got some clothes to clean it up with.

"Thank you, Bertolt." You gave him a soft smile, and from just that gesture he could feel his cheek burning from — goodness, he didn't even know what he was feeling right now. "Oh? You got five? How?" He was still in a trance when you threw the question, making him baffled for a second there.

"I said that there were five members in my family." He averted his eyes, ashamed to confess that to you. That and the fact he would see the sadness inside your eyes if he did so."I didn't mean to, really, b-but I only realised it after the soldier gave the portion to me."

"Oh, Bertolt." You let out a long sigh and grabbed two pieces of bread from his hand. "You know you could correct yourself after that, right?" He knew that you were scolding him, but with how soft your voice was, he just accepted it, not even once trying to correct himself. "I will give it back to the soldier, okay? You go inside, Reiner and Annie are waiting for you."

"But shouldn't you eat first?" He was concerned for sure, and despite knowing the fact that you could handle this harsh world by yourself, he was not sure if it was the right choice to let you go alone. "I can drop this off to them and I can accompany you, right?"

You chuckled at this, and his pupils widened at that since it was the first time you expressed some kind of joyful gesture since Marcel's incident. Your eyes closed as you chuckled at him, he didn't know what he did to make you like this but his brain short-circuited to even think about it. He just stood there with mouth agape, enjoying the pure, melodious giggle that slipped from your mouth.

"Bertolt," And how much he loved his name rolled down your tongue was uncanny. "It's okay, I will eat mine on the way. And I can handle myself, I am going to be back before you know it! You don't have to be concerned about me." You gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder, and his body went rigid at that. "See you later, tell the others where I am going, okay?"

He was too frozen in the spot even when you already strolled down the street with the loaves of bread in your hand. There was no time for him to answer you, and he felt like all the words were stuck in his throat. You just touched him, that was the only thing that he could process right now.

Yes, it was nothing special since you always held Pieck's hand back then or gave a pat to the other warrior candidates (especially Porco, for as long as he remembered even though the boy seemed to dislike your presence and unfazed by it), but to him, feeling your touch like that was everything.

It gave him some kind of boost, maybe it was the warm tingle that he felt whenever you were around or the fact that your existence just screamed comfort — he didn't know exactly what caused him to treasure your touch. What he knew for sure that in the end, he enjoyed your company.

"Oi, Bertolt! Why are you standing there like a statue?!"

"S-Sorry, Reiner—"

〄

The wind caressed your hair as you wandered down the street, turning left and right to the alleyway that would lead you to the plaza. This place had been your home for a few weeks now, and you started to enjoy living here, greeting some people here and there despite how many times Reiner told you not to.

They would ask, of course, where you were from. And you always answered it without hesitation, without a pause, as if the one who talked was an entirely different person with how you always lost all the light in your face when you gave them your answer. They would sympathize, and you took their pity and kept acting it out.

You had a different approach in this mission compared to the other warrior. While they decided to keep a low profile, you were going all out and showed yourself as a victim from the fall of wall Maria. Lots of benefits coming your way with how some adults asked you to move in with them or offering you a job so you could fend for yourself.

Their offers were always so sweet, but you didn't want to leave your friends inside a cold barn with nothing to lay on except the pile of hay. You always ended up cuddling with Annie, not caring that she wanted to kick you on the face at first for not giving her enough space, she ended up liking to sleep in your embrace days after that, so for you, it was all worth it.

Maybe though, their offer about working for them could help you. There were some of them and you sure at least one of the jobs had good earnings. You could buy food for your friends if that was the case, all of you didn't have to rely on free food anymore. And so, you decided that you would go to the adult near the plaza after this, asking if the offer was still up.

"I am sorry! It was already late and there was only one bread left for us!"

Your ears caught the distressed tone that came from the alleyway near you. The plaza was empty now since it seemed like the ration already finished for the day. To know that a lot of people couldn't even have one bread to eat made your stomach churned with guilt and anger for yourself.

"It's alright, Armin. We can share it."

"Yeah, it's not like I eat a lot anyway."

There were three of them, three children that looked like they were the same age as you, and they only got one piece of bread for the whole day. Knowing that the soldier was not there anymore and the commotion already dispersed, you decided to give the bread to them instead.

Your tiny feet waddled toward them, they were currently deep in thought about how to divide the food fairly. And you were thankful that you haven't eaten your fair of bread, so now each of the kids could have one.

"Excuse me," You interrupted their discussion, three pairs of eyes immediately turned to face you. Two of them looked at you with confusion while the other one had her eyes filled with caution. "I am sorry, I heard about your problem before, and I have two extra pieces of bread that you guys could take."

The two boys, one with blonde hair and the other with short dark brown hair — looked at each other without saying anything. It was like they had this kind of bond, talking through their minds before giving each other a nod. Maybe they were debating if it was alright to accept your hospitality or not.

"It's fine, but is this bread really alright for us to take?" The boy with the ocean blue eyes spoke up, taking one step forward to your figure. "What about you then, have you eaten yet today?"

"Yes, it's fine. If not, I am not going to offer it in the first place." You gave him a gentle smile before answering his next question a little bit too quickly to your liking. "Don't worry about me! I already got breakfast before and ate mine. You don't have to think—"

"You are lying." The girl that had been silent the whole time suddenly cut your sentence. "Don't tell me I am wrong because I am sure that I am right." She didn't sugarcoat her words at all, and you couldn't understand anymore if her words mean good or bad. Because surely her onyx orbs looked at you as if you were a threat.

You closed your eyes and exhaled loudly, knowing that you couldn't lie anymore with how sharp the three of them were. But this fact wouldn't stop you from wanting them to take your fair.

"Well, yes, I haven't eaten." Surrendering yourself to honesty, you continued. "But I am going to be fine, an adult in this shop near the plaza offered me a job and food, so I could get it from them after this." You explained truthfully, handing them the bread thereafter.

"Then how come you had extra bread in the first place?" The short-haired boy now squinting his eyes, wanting to understand your hidden motive in case there were any. "You had one for yourself too despite knowing that you could get food from this adult you told us about. So why should we trust you?"

"Eren!"

Ah, so the boy's name is Eren. You thought, couldn't believe that someone would even doubt the others for giving free food. But then again, you couldn't blame them for being extra cautious. No one knew what could happen inside these walls. The worst-case scenario from this was that you poisoned them to get rid of another life to prevent any more hunger.

"You don't have to trust me, of course." You answered him with a soft and calm tone, something that you learned from your house back in Marley. That even when someone raised their voice at you, you needed to handle them with care. "My friend was the one who got the food from me, and he didn't check that he got extra food, so I am here with the first mission to give it back to the garrison soldier."

You gave them the answer that they want, both hands still pushed forward, waiting for them to take it. "Promise I wouldn't disturb you anymore, I just want to make sure you guys get enough food. That's all."

There was a long silence engulfing the four of you. That was until the blonde took the bread out of your hand and gave you a smile of gratitude, which you answered with the same gesture as him. The other two were now looking at you with a softened gaze, finally stripping away their caution towards you.

"I am sorry that I sounded rude before." The brunette started, giving you a cheeky smile as his ears tinted with a pinkish hue. "I just need to be careful around strangers, everything just messed up at this time, you know?" He chuckled bitterly, his eyes darkening as if a terrible memory fleeting through his mind for a second.

"It's fine. I know where that thought is coming from." You kicked the pebbles near your foot before, making it bounce to the wall as you looked down. "Everything is just a nightmare after the breach." And you tried so hard not to break down, not in front of anyone, especially those who were the victim of your action. "All of you — didn't deserve any of it."

Your voice that was so warm and comforting before now turned into a completely different tone. There was sadness, at least that was what they could hear from you. They couldn't see the expression in your eyes since you persisted in looking down at your feet, avoiding their gaze at all cost.

"And you didn't deserve it too."

The blonde, that if you recalled from before was called Armin, telling you words that you thought you wouldn't need to hear. "No one wanted this to happen, no one deserved to live like this." He continued, and you were ready to crumble even more. "But this is our life, for now, so we can't do anything else but move on."

You wanted to get down on your knees, hugging his legs as you begged for forgiveness. Just like what you saw in some of the memories from your ancestors, there were just normal human beings inside these walls. Just like in Marley, just like on the other continent, there were good and bad people, and nothing differentiated them except the fact that they had a titan's blood flowing inside their veins.

Nothing else but that — and the dangerous truth that lies within the walls.

"It's called rumbling, right?"

Just one month from now, you were going to inherit the war hammer titan, and you have been studying a lot, reading the journal that your ancestor wrote. The book was so helpful, preparing you to know the truth that this world had to hide. Sometimes your twelve years old brain could not even understand it.

The past few years you had been training hard privately. You got the best instructor, honing your mental and physical build at the same time. But since you reached the age of ten, your father introduced you to Commander Magath who was in charge of the Warrior Unit, the unit for those titan inheritors.

And you trained with them ever since then. Creating a bond and friendship to those who would fight alongside you in the upcoming battle. The majority of them were easy to talk with like Marcel, Pieck, Zeke, Reiner, and Bertolt. While the rest — not so much.

Annie was fine though, she still talked to you here and there and taught you about some certain techniques of hand-to-hand combat that you deemed remarkably useful. Porco on the other hand, you wanted to grimace at the interaction that you had with him. Yet despite all that, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling for just thinking about him.

But this moment was not the right time to reminisce about the warrior training, not when a few months from now, you would embark on a mission to reclaim the founding titan.

"Yes, when the founding titan decided to unharden the walls and released millions of colossal titan, it was called rumbling." Your father sat across from where you were, filling out papers from the military about you. "If that happened, the whole world would turn into nothing."

You gave a nod of acknowledgement, fingers tracing the ink that seeped on the worn-out paper journal.

"So it was risky to let the founding titan stay in Paradis since no one knew if someday they would activate the rumbling or not." You stated the sentence as a matter of factly, absorbing the information that sometimes made your head pound. "It was risky since they closed themselves inside those walls and no one knew what happened there."

"Yes, my dear." His voice cracked like any other time, having so much burden for throwing you to the frontline of the battle like that. You, his little star, his precious daughter that he never wanted to turn her into a war machine that could only live for thirteen years. "That is why you need to prevent it from happening."

But it was something that needed to be done — and there was nothing that you could do except embracing the cruel truth like an old friend.

"Yes, you are right." Fixing your composure, you were back to the kind girl from before. "Thank you for telling me that, I think I need it." You chuckled softly, fingers tucking the strands of your hair behind the ear. "I-I will go now, then. Hope all of you survive and continue on living!"

Bowing yourself a little before departing (a trait that you couldn't shake off that easily), you waved at them and turned your heels, walking away from the three children that you really hoped would have a beautiful life ahead, for as long as they could have.

"Wait!" But you halted your feet to move forward when you heard Eren's voice calling out for you.

"Yes? What is it?" You were still not that far from them, so you decided to use your normal volume as if they were still right in front of you.

"We haven't got your name!" Yet despite how calm you were, the boy seemed to choose to shout at you anyway. "I am Eren! This is Armin and Mikasa, they are everything that I had left! Now, what's yours?!"

Hearing how excited he was made you giggle, such a complete opposite for real compared to him a few minutes ago when he looked at you with caution. Now he became the child he was supposed to be, with a wide grin on his face as he just wanted to know the name of his probably new friend.

And so you indulged him with it, answering his question with a clear and solid tone.

"It's (Y/n)!" You decided to shout back, equaling his enthusiasm. "(Y/n), (Y/n) Tybur!"

Paradis Citizen(s)

↪@yumaryko @may-machin @cuteissei

↪Back to Great Descendant Masterlist OR Wall Maria

↪Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

#jean kirschtein x reader #jean kirschtein scenarios #jean kirschtien #jean kirstein #Jean Kirschstein #jean kirschtein fluff #bertholdt hoover #attack on titan bertholdt #bertholdt x reader #bertolt x reader #Bertolt Hoover #porco galliard x reader #attack on titan porco #porco galliard imagine #aot imagines #aot x reader #aot fanfiction #snk x reader #snk imagines

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caesthetix · 3 years

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you ever read a fanfic and just sit back and think...someone wrote something THIS good... and then just....published it on the internet....for free.....

#my heart goes boom boom #thank you so much #aaahhh this is a moodbooster

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caesthetix · 3 years

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I have my uni entrance exam today so I will just go here for a minute and reblog this!! Will upload the Pt. 2 after I went home^^

GREAT DESCENDANT — Pt. 1 Leather Journal

↪Attack on Titan series

↪content; warrior!reader, aged-up character, graphic description of violence, slow burn, season 4 spoiler

Keep reading

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caesthetix · 3 years

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A LITTLE FEAR — Ep. Prime Real Estate

↪Jean Kirstein mini-series

↪content; canon universe, description of violence, season 4 spoiler, forbidden love, marleyan!reader, scouts!jean, chapter 139 spoiler

You stopped whatever you were doing in an instant, both hands freezing midair as a flock of birds suddenly landed beside you. That was strange, you never saw this type of bird flying around your house before. Those birds had silky white feathers and beady black eyes, some had their gaze fixated on you.

But then again, perhaps you shouldn't have been surprised that you never saw them before.

It was not like you have been living here for years, no. For the last three years, you were here as a new citizen in a world where the fear of titans finally gone. Everything was at peace for years as this newborn country strengthened its military — under the command of the Queen.

Yes, the Queen, Historia Reiss. Never once you ever thought you would be living here of all places in the world, tending flower beds and watering plants. A Marleyan like you, the mortal enemy of those Eldians somehow slipped inside the society and even lived inside the innermost part of the country.

You lived in prime real estate located in the countryside; a medium-sized house with huge land, different compared to those gigantic and majestic buildings in the downtown area. The atmosphere was unique and you preferred this kind of house instead of the luxurious, blinding one. For you, this is home, and you couldn't wait to share it with your lover.

"(Y/n)! Don't stay too long in the garden!"

A familiar shout rang through the open area, making you turn your head to face them. She stood there with her comfortable white dress, maroon-coloured apron draped in front of her figure to make sure that any specks of dirt didn't smear her dress while her brown hair sticking out from her tight ponytail.

"I will be there in a few minutes, Ma!"

You shouted back at the top of your lungs, knowing full well that her hearing was not as sharp as yours. She just shook her head in amusement at your answer since she could predict already that your few minutes could turn to an hour or even more. Just a habit of yours, though she wouldn't force you to stop since it took your mind off things.

Just as she did by cooking some omelette and comfort foods as she too — waiting for someone to come back.

She had a separate house near the Queen's residence, assigned there by her majesty herself. But ever since you knocked on her front door and introduced yourself to her, she decided that it would be better if she lived with you for a while, at least until her son came back. Until your love came back to your arms once again.

There were letters after letters being shared despite how out of reach he was from you. You lived every day in hope that his mission to make peace with the outside world resulted in success. Lots of prayers have been sung to whatever deity existed in this world, never once stopped for every day you woke up.

And today was just like any other day as you waited for him by occupying yourself with daily chores and a new hobby. You used to wake up to strategize the next move and train in the military, being a normal citizen was still a little bit bizarre for you.

Though you already told the Queen that if in case she needed assistance regarding the air force, you would be ready to be called.

Yet three years had passed ever since your arrival, and never once she called you to the military. You had a gut feeling that your lover might have something to do with it, so you could only hope he didn't try to pull any strings behind your back and become the reason why you were never once interrupted.

Well, it was not like you didn't want this. When you finally wake up without fear, without being afraid that you had to see another bloodshed, without being afraid to love whoever you wanted to love. This was the world that you have been dreaming of, so maybe, it's fine to just enjoy it as long as you can.

Your fingers used to be covered with blood, now only covered with dirt and soil. Sometimes you couldn't believe it yourself as you were afraid to go to sleep, not wanting to wake up and realise all of this was just a dream.

But it was not a dream.

It was all real — ever since that day.

Your whole body felt so numb as you stared into the distance, back leaning to the old building behind you, not understanding what actually unfurled in front of your eyes right now.

Everything was still replayed so vividly in your mind. His ash-brown strands dishevelled from the war he had been partaking of, chocolate orbs that filled with love and regret as he took another look at you, his voice — oh his deep, comforting voice that sung like a lullaby every time he spoke.

And then bright yellow light blinded your vision.

The impact of the explosion threw you off, back arching as your body hit a concrete wall. Your vision blurred, your head pounding from the impact. But you could still see the gigantic feet right in front of you — gigantic feet that belong to a titan, replacing where your lover once stood.

You saw it, the long, familiar strands of hair that you loved to caress, those eyes that now turned into the darkest shade of brown stared at you with an emotion that you couldn't fathom. Then he jerked his head to the other side, jumping off the cliff with the other titans like a puppet whose strings were pulled.

There goes your love, that is what you already believe. Everyone knew about how once someone turned into a mindless titan, there was no way for them to change back as a human except if they ate the nine titan inheritor. And you didn't put any hope over that, just slumping your body and surrendering yourself to the situation.

You didn't know since when you drifted off somewhere as black filled your vision. But in your mind, you see him standing in front of you as he reaches out his hand for you to take. In your dream, you saw him playing around the backyard with a little kid that looked so familiar with him. In perhaps a distant future, you welcomed him home after a day full of hard work.

Then you opened up your eyes, disappointed as it was the same as what you saw before. The blistering heat attacked whoever was unfortunate enough to be outside right now, dealing with the monstrous creature as the fate of the world was in their hands.

But it was silent now, the roar of those mindless titans, booming footsteps that rumbling the ground, two enormous titans who fought each other before — it all stopped and gone as the only thing that welcomed you was a quiet, somewhat peaceful atmosphere.

With your legs still wobbling from the impact before, you looked around as you wondered what happened now. Finding no one in sight, not even from the Marleyan Military made you raise your eyebrows in confusion. Was it all done? The war between Eren Yeager and the alliance of Paradis and Marley? What happened now and where are they?

There were so many questions popping in your head as you forced yourself to check out the land near Fort Salta, finding some of your troops pointing all of their guns to the Eldians that somehow — turned back into a human.

That was the only thing you needed before you ran to where they were, ignoring the pain that surged your body for every movement that you made. You were fine, this couldn't stop you from knowing the truth, this would never stop you from reaching out to the Eldian, to someone that introduced you to what it felt like to love someone.

Surely the Marleyan was just bluffing, you knew that all of the guns were already shot towards the sky before. But there was a possibility that they had another, and you couldn't bear to see another bloodshed, not when you felt like there was no need to continue this war if the main enemy was already gone.

"If we did still have the power of the titans, wouldn't we be using it to resist you?" Ah, was it true? That titan power was already gone for good from this world? "But the fact that we continue to be powerless even as you point your guns at us is the greatest possible proof of our humanity."

He made sense, even as you stopped a few steps behind the Marleyan Military, you could hear the sincerity from his words. Yet somehow, your race still couldn't accept the fact, not daring to lower their gun just yet. You couldn't really blame them for doing so, knowing how much terror that they have seen just for the last couple of hours.

So you stood forward, dragging your feet as you ignored the surprised gasp from your troops.

"Everyone, drop your guns to the ground." You still couldn't hear any movement as you said so, and you clicked your tongue over that. "Now!"

Then one by one, you heard how the metal weapon fell to the ground like a symbol of peace. There were around twenty troops behind you, the survivors of the explosion before, the only people who lived from Marleyan Military after such a horrendous event. And they obeyed your command, believing in you that you would make the right choice.

You turned to look at your troops, giving them a reassuring gaze one by one that from now on, everything would be alright. Some of them were crying, some of them fell to the ground as they screamed out, out of frustration or relief for being alive, you couldn't differentiate it anymore, maybe a bit of both.

Your job was done, for now, so you had to know what happened. You needed to know who was the man who stood in front of you now as his ocean blue eyes gazing at you with respect and gratitude. He gave you a firm nod, and you followed after as you straightened your posture.

"Then, who are you?"

"I am Armin Arlert, an Eldian from the island of Paradis. The man who killed Eren Yeager, the attack titan."

The way he said it was absolute. Certainty was there and somehow you wanted to just let your sore body fall to the ground as relief started to fill your heart. But not yet, you had to be the commander of the air force unit, probably the only higher-ups left in the military here.

"Greetings then, Armin Arlert." You started, giving him a Marleyan salute as he answered it by balling his right hand into a fist, resting it right in front of his heart after that. "I am the commander of the air force unit of Marleyan Military, my troops and I would do anything we could do to assist everyone here."

For the next few hours, everyone who was healthy enough was assigned to take care of those who had injuries or any other casualties. You as the commander, trying to call and inform the military base in the capital. Solace flooded over you once again when you received the news that more than a half part of Marley was still intact.

You immediately called for backup, informing them to tell the whole world what happened in Fort Salta. This needed to be distributed now, that they didn't have to worry anymore, that the world was finally free from titans. You told them all the little details about those who fought in the battle, you told them that it was thanks to the Eldians themselves that the rumbling stopped.

"It's..." You trailed off as the chief on the other line asked you the name of the war that shook the world just now. "It's the battle of heaven and earth."

Today marked the three years of the world's victory against titans. Eldians finally freed from the curse and lived a normal life like humanity in the rest of the world. Though, of course, doubt and fear still lingered in the heart of the people. That was why those soldiers who directly fought with the attack titan became the ambassador of peace, travelling around the world to tell their stories.

They were the ones who lived, the heroes who chose to fight humanity who always treated their race like an insect. They were those who chose humanity over their own life, the ones who cast their feelings aside and killed their best friend because that was the right thing to do.

And your lover was one of them, he was an Eldian, a soldier who was ready to sacrifice his life in war.

Jean Kirstein, the man that you met in a bar back then in Marley, the only person who could make you feel so bare as he painted you with affection.

The person who you would wait a thousand years if you had to, so long so you could be together.

You subconsciously touched your left fingers, tracing your coarse skin as you absentmindedly remembered the reunion that you had with him. Not the one where he shouted at you to stay back, not the one where it filled with painful tears as you saw him transformed into a titan in front of your eyes.

But it was the one that made you feel so full. After calling the capital and making sure the Eldian would be treated fairly, you finally could take a breather and sit just outside the tower in Fort Salta. The sun slowly turned into an orange hue that time, your body was all aching as the adrenaline from before started to wear off.

You didn't turn your face away from the horizon as you felt someone sat beside you on the ground, not saying anything for the next couple of minutes as you and the mysterious figure just basked yourself on the peaceful atmosphere, something that was never there with how war and violence always filled the ground.

The orange hue slowly reddened as the sun hid behind the mountain, letting the moon take over with thousands of stars adorned the night sky.

There were no words being spoken as two bodies decided to scoot closer to each other as if there were strings that bound them together. You dropped your head on his shoulder, letting out a long sigh as the realisation finally sank in.

"I am back, (Y/n)." His voice was still filled with disbelief. "Just like what I promised you." But it sounds the same as how it used to, lingering with something that you knew as love.

You lifted your head a little, wanting to take a look at him and scrutinizing his face. He was here, Jean Kirstein in a flesh. He was not a titan anymore, he was just an Eldian from the island of Paradis, a normal human, just like you.

There was a dingling sound as he fetched something from his pocket, your eyes never left his as you felt a warm metal slipped on your palm. He closed your hand after that, wanting you to know that he was real, that he finally could give back the silver key that he brought with him ever since in Marley.

You felt like you wanted to burst at the moment. You wanted to cry, screaming at him for fighting the attack titan despite being a mere soldier who didn't even inherit the nine titans, you wanted to ask how he felt right now and what actually happened, there was so much that you wanted to say, so many words that you wanted to tell him.

But there would be a time for that, you were certain that you would have a lot of time after all of these were done.

So you just curled your lips into a smile, orbs glistening with tears as it shone with adoration, palm gripping the key a little tighter with his hand on top of yours.

"Welcome back, Jean."

You patted the excess of the dirt in your hand on your black apron, finally done repotting some of the plants. When your eyes fleeted to the side, you tilted your head in confusion as the bird from before was still there, so loyal as it accompanied you for the last hour.

This one was different compared to the others. The birds that you saw before only had one solid colour, but this one that stayed with you had brown feathers on some of their features.

The bird just looked at you with wonder, tilting their head to the side as they jumped from the flower bed and landed beside you. Your lips immediately shaped into a smile, wondering why the bird decided to stay with you when the others left already.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

You cooed at the bird, careful not to move your body too abruptly, afraid that they would fly again. Of course, you didn't expect them to chirp, but maybe you could talk to them a little. And you could write it down in the letter that you sent for Jean later on.

"I don't know why you are here, but don't you think you should go back though?"

Those beady black orbs fell upon your face as if they understood your words. "You must have a family, right? Perhaps maybe a lover?" So you decided to keep on talking, throwing some random questions, conversing with them like an old friend. "Bet your lover is so beautiful like you, and they must be waiting for you, you know?"

"Like you wait for me?"

Silence. On the first second, the bird was in front of you. But now, they flapped their wings and flew, leaving you there with both pupils widened as a familiar voice rang through your ear. You didn't understand why they suddenly left, but maybe, maybe it was because of the fact that you were not alone anymore.

That maybe because they knew your lover came back.

And so they would do the same and flew to where their lover was.

"Jean?"

No, he was not supposed to be here. From the letters that you got last week, he was supposed to be in Marley right now with the others. He told you that through the words that he scribbled down on the old paper, and you remembered how he would come back next month.

But of course, your eyes wouldn't deceive you, of course, your ear could never catch the exact voice that belonged to him if he was not really here.

He stood around five feet apart from you with a cheeky smile that made you want to just slap it away from his beautiful face. His ash-brown locks slightly got longer, looking neat despite the wind that swayed some strands of his hair, and you wondered how many times he combed his hair to make it look like that.

Though you didn't care about it, you didn't care about how he was here right now when you were certain he should have been somewhere else. You didn't care that you stumbled on some of the gardening tools as you ran towards him. You didn't care if your apron could leave some dirt on his expensive suit.

What you cared right now as your feet brought you closer to him — was to feel his embrace once more.

You jumped right into his arms, chin resting on his shoulder as you wrapped your arms around his neck, not wanting to let go. Right now, you just wanted to shout and announce to the world that you wanted him for yourself, at least for just a few minutes, at least for a moment.

Everyone could call you selfish at this point you didn't care anymore. For all your life you never wanted anything but a world without fear. And now as you achieved it, the only matter that could complete it was to spend it all with the one that somehow had half of your heart anywhere he goes.

You have waited for him for far too long. You always waited for him afraid that he wouldn't come back to your apartment, you always waited for him with distress lingering at the back of your mind that he was not alive anymore when he was there on the other side of the sea.

But now as you felt the warmth within his touch, now as you felt his smile as his lips planted on the side of your face, you finally knew how it feels to live in a world without fear since from now on, you were free to love him.

He was too — free to love you as his real self, an Eldian, a war hero, Jean Kirstein from the island of Paradis.

"I am home."

And as the two bodies basked in the warmth of a loved one, hand intertwined that clashed a silver metal band next to each other, they both knew that from now on — they were going to wake up every single morning and live their dream.

In a world where there was no fear, spending it in prime real estate with a significant other.

Earning the right to live a happy life for hopefully, a long time.

"Welcome home, Jean."

↪Back to Wall Maria

↪Citizen; @yumaryko @may-machin @cuteissei

↪Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

#Jean Kirschstein #jean kirschtien #jean kirstein #jean kirstein x reader #jean kirschtein x reader #jean kirschtein x you #jean kirschtein fluff #jean kirschtein fanfiction #aot imagines #aot x reader #AoT #snk #snk x reader #snk imagines

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caesthetix · 3 years

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It's late but — In celebrating the end of AoT manga, I am going to repost this and post the Epilogue for A Little Fear 💕 Do enjoy, guys!

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER — Ep. What Paradise Is

↪Eren Yeager mini-series

↪content; major character death, canon universe, heavy angst, description of violence, established relationship, spoiler for season 4, alternate ending, manga spoiler

Keep reading

#caes.reblog #caes.reblog works

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caesthetix · 3 years

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hii i just read great descendants and it got me

HOOKED hooked omg !! i was wondering if i could be added to the taglist for it 😅 thank u sm !! can't wait to see how the story goes <3

OMG ncksxkks aaahhh I am so happy to know that you are hooked with it even though its just the first part! And yes you can be added to the taglist! May I know if you want to be added only for the series or all of my upcoming works? Thank you in advance🥰

@cuteissei you can rep or send ask💕 Have a nice day!

#caes.answer #caes.citizen #caes.cuteissei

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caesthetix · 3 years

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Hiya!!

I've binged all of your fics and absolutely adore them...you're writing is amazing!!

I could like to be a citizen of Paradis and be added to the taglist please xx

Hewwoo!! Thank you so much for your kind words💕 I am currently on hiatus for the next few days but I am gonna drop an EPILOGUE for A LITTLE FEAR because goddamn isayama 139 got me bawling 😭😭😭

@may-machin added uu to the taglist! Hope you enjoy your time living here💕

#caes.answer #caes.citizen #caes.may-machin

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caesthetix · 3 years

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GREAT DESCENDANT — Pt. 1 Leather Journal

↪Attack on Titan series

↪content; warrior!reader, aged-up character, graphic description of violence, slow burn, season 4 spoiler

Tiny footsteps belonging to you echoed throughout the empty hallway. Your forehead scrunched as a bead of sweat trailed down your skin, but you dismissed the discomfort as you needed to find your father, wanting some explanation.

It was around four in the afternoon, and you were certain that your father must be occupying himself inside his study, probably enjoying his coffee as he read some reports regarding the military advance. You always wondered why he got all of that information even though he was not even in the military, but perhaps the book in your hand was the answer to your question, and you had to find out more.

You were used to running around this part of the mansion — since you would spend some of your time here with your father when he didn't invite the military higher-ups or some of his business partners for a meeting together. Truthfully, you could have waited for later after dinner to confront him, but your mind was already fueled with curiosity that wouldn't die without being given the right extinguisher.

So you scurry out within an instant, far from the east wing where the library was located to the west where your father would entertain his friends and colleagues. In your small journey, you took off your mules and ran barefoot, ignoring the gasp from the maid that you passed in the hallway.

Panting, you felt the exhaustion course through your body as you finally reached your destination. Some eyes regarded you with worry beneath their intimidating gaze, but they knew that you had been running out of breath before, certain that it was nothing serious.

Two guards were standing tall on each side of the door, guarding your father's study against the outside, and you were certain there were another two on the other side of the door. They didn't give you any attention or warning, so you knew that he was not in some kind of meeting or too engrossed with work.

Sucking a deep breath, you hide the book that you found behind your back before raising your hand to the wooden door, knocking it with your knuckles several times, soft yet enough that it would echo inside the room. You heard the rustling of papers, probably from some of the military letters that he read.

"Name and busi—"

"It's me, pa!"

Your voice cut him off in a gleeful manner, holding yourself from bursting hundreds of questions. If you wanted to know the truth, you needed to play your cards right. Well, what could a six years old girl do? Anything of course, especially if you were the only child (for now) and your parents loved you like you were their stars in the night sky.

You tried to hide your smirk when you heard the audible 'click' coming from the inside, followed by the door opening simultaneously. The sun penetrated through the windows, lighting up the whole room and the hallway behind you. A pleasant smell of cedarwood filled your nostrils in an instant, the unique scent that you knew embedded on your father's suit too since he spent the majority of his time here.

There was a massive round table in the middle of the room, one where you like to sit when your father was busy with work but wanted your company. You would sit there without a care and boredom since your nose mostly touched the paper book in your hand, too engrossed with whatever literature that you could find within his study.

You didn't need to go back and forth from the east wing and grabbed some books there. Your father studies already engaging enough with a wide variety of history, self-improvement, and many other philosophy books. The room would be engulfed with silence if that happened, but the atmosphere was serene and comforting to both of you, making times fly past naturally and just felt right.

"Well, isn't it my precious daughter?" He stood up from his plush leather chair, dark yet warm eyes never left your figure as you skipped toward where he was. His lips shaped into a gentle smile as he watched how giddy you looked right now, with both hands on your back as if you had a surprise for him.

It was indeed a surprise, but whether he liked it or not was another story.

"Pa, I need to speak with you!" Your bubbly personality was always so endearing. You were witty, smart, wise — his little rascal but still had a personality like a noble lady when needed.

"And what do you want to talk to me about, my little star?" He walked closer before kneeling in front of you, levelling his eyes with yours. "Something serious? Something playful? Or maybe you just want to talk to me since you missed your pa so much?" His smile turned into a little smirk, raising one of his eyebrows in a teasing manner.

You jutted your lips at his question as your hands clench tighter on the brown books that you found before. Your father waited for any kind of explanation, but you didn't open up your mouth, not even a little. But you suddenly averted your gaze away, pupils shifting back and forth.

He blinked, trying to understand what it was that you wanted. Your father then looked past you, finding the guards inside the room. It left a question inside his mind at the moment, because you never once needed to talk alone as you always threw questions at him without caring if anybody heard.

This would be the first time, and he decided to indulge you with it.

"Guards, you can wait outside."

"Sir, with all due respect—"

"Please."

The two guards looked at each other before giving your father a salute, answered with a firm nod from him. You stood still with your eyes closed as you waited until the sound of footsteps started to fade, not realizing the scrutinizing look that he threw at you. The second you heard a gentle thud echoed in the room, you let out a breath that you subconsciously held.

You were alone now, with your father waiting for any syllables to come out from your lips. A few seconds ago you were so eager, ready to burst out all of the questions that popped inside your mind. But now, as he gazed at you with a look that you couldn't fathom, you started to rethink your decision.

Would he mad at you for reading the book that he strictly said was forbidden to read? He always kept it inside a glass compartment, telling you that it was filled with a history of mankind. The truth that someday he would tell you. So would he be angry if you knew it now instead of later?

"You read the journal, my star?" You subconsciously dropped the book as you never thought he could see through you like that. Your hands were shaking behind your back before you tightly grip your bow's dress, fearing that he would not let you walk inside the library ever again.

Seeing the distress in your eyes, he immediately rested his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it gently as if to make sure that you didn't have to be afraid. That whatever you did, you always became his little star, the daughter that he loved so much. "It's alright, sooner or later I will tell you all of it."

His voice was calm as he picked up the book from behind you, opening it right in front of your face as he checked that in case some pages were wrinkled. You still kept your mouth shut, waiting for him to say something more — because for sure his words before were still not enough to calm yourself.

When he looked at you again, you were averting his gaze and decided to look down. So he closed the book and reached out for you, holding your much smaller hand as he brought you toward his desk. The silence was deafening as he didn't say anything afterwards, making you have to focus on the footsteps to dwindle your concern.

His hand was warm as it engulfed yours, squeezing it softly here and there as he plopped himself to his chair. With how light you were, he picked you up and tucked you gently on his lap, wanting to make sure that you were comfortable since it would take some time to explain everything to you.

"Now, can you tell me what you already know so far?"

It was now that you finally dared to look up, curious about the expression on his face. You should have known that your father wouldn't be angry at you, he couldn't, at least not towards you. His face didn't even show any sign of resentment, he just sat there, looking down, and waited until you were ready to talk.

"Almost everything, I guess." You finally dared to speak up, yet it still sounded so timid. "That King Fritz was not our enemy, it was thanks to him that the war is over." Continuing your words, you swallowed a huge lump. "And those people on the island, they are not demons, but they are exactly like—"

"Us."

He finished your word without pause, knowing what you were going to say next like he always did. Your forehead scrunched at this, lips turned into a scowl as you tried to understand the world that you live in right now. All the war, the hatred that Eldians received inside the internment zone, if only this true story was out in the public then they wouldn't get treated like that, right?

"B-But why do we hide this information, then?" You croaked out, not believing that your family concealed such truth. "If people knew that King Fritz was the one who wanted peace, if only the whole world knew that Eldians did not want anything but to live like a normal human, they were not going to be treated like this, pa!"

You were begging right now, needing some answer that could justify the choice they made. It felt awful, like someone had put a blindfold on you all your life, whispering to you that the world filled with hatred and that because of your ancestors, because of the blood that flows inside your veins and there was nothing else that you could do except living through the brutal knowledge.

But it was all a lie, because your family could have made a change in this world yet didn't do anything about it.

Your father just sat there, listening to your cries and complaints. He knew from the start that you were someone that would do anything for Eldians to be free, he often saw you sneaking around and talked to the maids, after all, questioning about how their children were at home and many other mundane things.

He didn't have the courage to tell you, the reason why he kept the information to himself when he was warned by the current inheritor. He didn't have the courage to tell you what lies across the sea, what slept inside the walls that the king had made. As your father, he didn't want his six years old innocent daughter to know that the fate of the world was in their hands — the Eldian.

His lips turned into a frown as he realized. No matter how much he wanted to protect you from this cruel world, no matter how much he just wanted you to live and be happy without a burden on your shoulder, he couldn't grant his wish.

Because soon, you would be the one in the family who held the biggest responsibility.

"You would know soon enough, my little star." He gulped down, dark orbs gazing at your face as he was so tormented from this fact only. Your beady eyes shone under the orange hue that slipped through the large windows, making you look even more innocent, an angel to him and his wife as he cradled you like this on his lap.

Soon, and he needed to start telling you now how much weight you would carry throughout your life. "Once you inherit the war hammer titan."

"Wake up!"

You sat up straight as you tried to inhale the air bit by bit, feeling like your dreams that you had just stolen the oxygen out of your lungs. No, it was not a dream, it was a memory that you had with your father. The day when you knew the truth, the day when you knew your responsibility and how you needed to keep a blind eye over it.

And for sure, hiding the fact from everyone was the hardest part. Especially when you had these people you called friends as you invaded the island of Paradis with the mission to take back the founding titan. You wanted to tell them the danger, or how the people inside the wall were not as different from those in Liberio.

But you had made a vow to your father to keep your lips sealed, no matter how much you wanted to share it. And you were not going to break that promise, not when you knew there was a high possibility that you wouldn't make it back alive.

"I am sorry, I should have been more gentle." Your gaze still cast down your lap, wanting to control your emotion first before interacting with the other warrior. "Nightmare?" But his gentle, mature voice was so endearing you couldn't help but lookup.

His forehead scrunched in worry as you realized that he squatted down right in front of you. Large hazel eyes scrutinizing your every movement, and you felt so bare with how he seemed like he could see right through you.

"I am fine, Marcel." You answered him a matter of factly, not wanting to prolong the constant worry that he had for his fellow warriors. "Sorry, I will clean up the firepit and be ready in a minute."

"Oh, no need. I mean— you don't need to." He stood up, reaching out his hand for you, and you took it despite the confusion that was written all over your face. "I already cleaned it up, so you just have to grab your bag and we will be ready to continue our journey."

"Marcel!" You exclaimed, stomping your feet to the ground subconsciously as your eyes drilled on his skull. "It was supposed to be my turn!" And your outburst of course caught the others' attention. "You always do something like this, making sure that everyone could leisure around while you did all the work."

"(Y/n), I am sure that he—" The glare in your eyes now fell to another victim, the colossal titan inheritor, and you could see him flinch from just being the recipient of your glare. "N-Nevermind, I will just, uhm, check on Reiner if he is okay."

And just like that, he scurried off to find his friend, not wanting to interrupt your little tantrum that he was sure would subside soon.

Bertolt knew you, you were always a little cranky when you woke up, at least that was what he could see by the past three days as he woke up with you not far from him. You needed at least a minute just opening your eyes without doing anything, and after that, you were good to go. So he understood why you seemed so extra for what Marcel did right now.

You continued to scold the older boy who just stood there scratching his nape bashfully and apologizing for what he did. He didn't do anything wrong, but you just disliked the idea that someone did something that was supposed to be your job. Though you always said thank you before taking your leave.

Feeling that you had enough with boys, you walked to Annie who was currently nibbling at some sweets that you gave her before at the boat that brought the companion here. She seemed to see your little quarrel but decided to keep silent, waiting for Marcel to lead the way when he was done fanning his reddened cheek.

Three days had passed after Marley dropped you off to this cursed land. Everyone had so much expectation for this generation, and the fact that a Tybur took part in the mission brought so much hope to the Eldians in your homeland.

Your father was right about the burden that you were going to have. All the expectations set the bar so high for you. So for that, he prepared you to be a reliable and strong individual. Ever since the revelation, he pointed a lot of private instructors to teach you all the basic things about self-defence, archery, firearms, and swordsmanship skills.

You were shaped to be the Eldian's saviour in Marley, ever since you were six. And you would make sure that all your knowledge and experiences would be put to good use.

Marcel told you about the plan, and for now, they all would rely on Bertolt and Reiner's titan since it was the most destructive and save the rest for later days. When he first told you about the plan, the two of you were alone, he liked to discuss strategy first with you because your mind was the most mature of all of them.

And all the time he told you about it, your mind always thought that it was so wrong for him to ask for your advice. You wanted to tell him not to destroy the whole outer wall, just one district was enough and everyone could sneak in already. But you knew the chances to get in were lower if there was not enough damage.

So reluctantly, you agreed. You told him that he was brilliant, telling him that it would work for the warriors. And after that, everyone would enrol in the military cadet corps, some would graduate to be a survey corps, while the others joined the military police regiment. It would need a few years to get by, but it would be the safest and optimal route.

Just a few years here and you could come back home, reading books and annoying your father even more. Though you were sure that your mother would scold you for spending too much time with him, she would want you to go horseback riding with her while telling some stories about the family.

Yes, everything would be just like before, and you couldn't wait for it.

Your eyes fleeting toward the brunette who walked in front of you, his hair swept to the back, reminding you of his brother that was the complete opposite of him in terms of personality. Marcel was gentle, compassionate, reliable, all the things that you would expect from an elder sibling. Meanwhile, Porco was aggressive, emotional, and somewhat a little rude when he talked.

And the big difference between Porco and Marcel that you knew, was the fact that the younger brother despised you. The blonde often threw shades and mockery, telling you that you were not like them, how you were a spoiled kid, and could never understand what Eldian really feels with all the privilege that you had due to your last name.

But that didn't stop you from wanting to befriend him. You could see through his harsh facade, he was actually gentle inside and cared deeply for all the warrior candidates. He even let his guard down that day when they knew Reiner would be the armoured titan inheritor instead of him, letting you sit beside him outside the headquarters as he let out a sob.

He wept silently when you put your hand on his back, comforting him through the single touch. That was the only push he needed before breaking down in front of you, cursing himself for not being a better candidate, that it was his fault for being too confident in his skill and not trying harder to get the military's attention.

Oh, if only he knew. If only he knew the real reason why he was not here.

It felt like it happened such a long time ago despite knowing a month just passed ever since. You wondered what the other warrior did right now, more accurately, what was he doing right now. Maybe he had lunch with his family, or perhaps beating himself to the pulp and kept on training until he couldn't stand anymore.

Knowing that was enough to make you frown since you really cared for him, and to think that he blamed himself for his failure broke your heart even more. Every time you walked, there was an extra weight on your chest as an ivory shark tooth pendant grazing your skin, reminding you of your days in Marley once again.

Especially the day when you received the necklace, something you never took off ever since.

And now as you walked right behind Marcel, you could only imagine that the brown strands were blonde instead. But you shook your head after that, knowing for certain he would have a longer lifespan, that he wouldn't have to carry so much burden like the rest of you. He could enjoy his life, and that was what caused Marcel to put Reiner on the pedestals instead of him.

You didn't remember since when you were getting left behind. Of course you could still see the fellow warriors in front of you, but they were a few meters ahead from where you were. It happened a lot, so you didn't really complain since they knew sometimes you would need alone time.

It was not like there were titans around anyway, the Marleyan Military had assured you that the titans would only be there near the outer wall. So everyone should be saved since it was still halfway through the journey, no one needed to worry and be too on guard for now.

At least that was what you believed until you saw a large shadow looming from behind you.

The silence was deafening when you felt the air sucked out from the space around you, leaving you to stand there alone as you slowly lost the ability to breathe. Fear, that was what you felt right now as your mind could only conclude one thing — there was a titan, right behind you.

No, you still needed to finish your mission. You had promised your father that you would come back to him, you had promised your mother that you would come back home intact, even if it needed you a few years to grant that, as long as you could see them again, it was alright.

As long as you could come back and see him happy and living a beautiful life even when your term was going to end, it would be fine.

But you were glued to the ground, your muscles tensed and you couldn't move your limbs to run, or just to evade that gigantic hand which now ready to crush your small body with its hand. Yet despite all that, you felt a strong push coming from your side, pushing you out of the way and snapped you back to reality.

You saw Marcel, his dark brown hair dishevelled as now his torso engulfed in the hand of a titan. He looked distressed, panicked, and he flailed his body around as he tried with all his might to survive, despite an impeccable fate that he already knew deep inside his heart.

No one knew where it came from, one second they were chatting, and the next as Marcel saw a titan running toward you, his feet moved on their own with one goal to reach for you. You couldn't see it, you just gave him an empty look as you were just deep in thought a moment before.

He knew that you would be too shocked to understand what happened, he knew that you couldn't move away when you turned to see what was standing behind you. And there was something inside his soul that boosted him to run faster, pushing you away as he decided to replace you.

"Come on, let's go!"

He heard Reiner shouting at you who was still sitting on the grass, eyes focused on him as you tried to wrap your head around you. There were tears in your orbs when Bertolt and Reiner pulled you away forcefully, your legs even wobbled, and that was when the ravenette decided to hoist you up over his shoulder.

Marcel heard the shout, the pleading in your voice as you called out his name. The others were running to safety, but he could still see you as your hand stretched out for him, not believing that you would lose him like this.

"(Y/n)!" He screamed with all his might, hoping that you could hear what he said. Wide teeth already surrounded his head, and it was a matter of time before his world turned black. So he needed to say it, he needed you to tell his brother that his job was done for now. "Tell Porco I did it!"

Then he was gone as the jaw of the titans closed with his body in between it. He died in the hand of a titan who no one knew where it came from. You should have been cautious, no matter what, this island was filled with titans and you shouldn't have trusted whatever the Marleyan Military said. And it should have been you, not him.

Your eyes never left the scene as you saw Marcel being devoured alive, starting from his head, slowly down to his hip. The details were so vivid and you were sure it would be engraved in your mind for as long as you lived. This would be your constant nightmare, reminding you every day what a cruel world you lived in.

And you didn't know if you were ever ready — if someday you met a circumstance when you had to face Porco, knowing that his brother died saving you.

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