cajunquandary

[cajunquandary]

I think this is my carry on

#wheres my rusty nail

[cajunquandary]

Im sick of living

[cajunquandary]

a very supernatural christmas sure knows how to make an spnblr cry

[cajunquandary]

Girl isn't even a word to me anymore he's a friend

[cajunquandary]

He is a cosmic entity and he fell for a guy in jeans that likes to dress up like a cowboy. Outstanding.

[cajunquandary]

I come to you with open wounds. Raw, fresh, and bleeding. Every fight I pick I lose. A lost cause before the first shot, yet I still keep swinging. I wonder if I’ll ever stop. I can’t feel beyond the shame of another fuck up, another mistake tallied up on my skin. You check for broken bones beneath battered, bruised flesh. They’re always intact. We both know there is nothing you can do for a broken heart.

You run warm water into a shallow bowl. It’s been repurposed for nights like this. I remember where it used to sit, on a high shelf collecting dust. It lives somewhere else now, easier to reach. Muscle memory has not hardened your touch. You are as soft tonight as every night before. You’ve never tired. Your smile is as warm as the water, yet I still can’t look at you.

I wonder which night you started to hum as you wiped away dried blood off my knuckles. I wonder if you know you are doing it. Is it on purpose? Is it for me? I wonder if you’ll ever start singing. I miss your voice. We stopped talking after the first time. You asked if I was okay, and you knew then I never would be. You never asked again.

The water stains pink. I worry one day it’ll be red. Red, viscous, and overflowing. Tonight, it’s still pink. Routine has made you quick, wrapping me in bandages before the water ever cools. You rub a thumb over your handiwork, a gentle sigh spills from your lungs. You’ve never sighed before. I wonder if you’ve grown tired.

You set some pills on a napkin and get me water in my favorite glass. You don’t look at me, afraid you’ll see my denial. Every time you try and every time I refuse. If I can feel it, maybe I will learn. Maybe I’ll grow tired, too. Tired of stiff hands and throbbing joints. Tired of gauze and the bowl and how sad your humming has gotten. Tired of hearing the rattle as you put the pills back in the bottle and tired of that fucking glass of water. Its not my favorite anymore. Every drink from that glass taste like copper.

I hear the water run in the bathroom and you’re still humming. You stop before you cross the threshold to the hallway. An outstretched hand to guide me to the bath. I know this routine. I sigh, too, but that is nothing new. You untie my shoes and help me get undressed. Your eyes dance across the pattern of bruises. Have they ever been the same?

You help guide me down afraid I’ll fall, as if I can slip further than I already have. The water is just hot enough to sting, to soothe. I wonder if you will ever make it cold. I wonder if you’ll stop running it at all. You start humming again as you wash my hair, gently undoing tangles, and nests of dried blood. I never feel you tug. Do you think about holding my head underwater? Sometimes I think I’d let you. If anyone deserves to, you do.

The washcloth moves in slow, soft circles. You never push against my bruises. Are you afraid I’ll break? To shatter in your palms and cut your hands. I fight the urge to push back and punish myself the way I deserve to be, the way I hope you want to. You aren’t violent, not vengeful. But you are methodical, intentional, calculated.

With every bath you hope to soften my edges like a stone in the sea. There is no hurricane in you, though. Only gentle waves of touch and care. You want to flatten out my jagged parts so you can hold me safely. To polish and shine until I am smooth as glass. To reflect the good parts of you. So you can see what you want to see, what you need me to be.

Glass can shatter too, my love. Push too hard and it’ll break. Shards are much sharper than I ever was. I was safer as stone. I only spilled my own blood before, but now I am drawing yours out, too. Is it my turn to take down the bowl, to warm the water, to set out your favorite glass, and run a bath? Would you even want me to? I have no songs to hum for you, my love.

I come home intact and plain. The bowl was already pulled down, the med kit on the table. You turned around and found no ruin. You sighed again. You smiled when I met your eyes, a kiss on unswollen lips. That might be our first. You leave to go run a bath, but you don’t come back for me. I hear you humming. It’s the saddest you’ve ever sounded.

You left everything on the table. You were hoping to use it again. I leave it out, afraid to touch it. The bowl begins to collect dust again. I still can’t use my favorite glass. I can’t use yours, either. You’ve pulled away from me, unsure how to touch me when there is nothing to mend.

Every fight I picked I lost. You didn’t need to throw punches to come out on top. Just a gentle touch. It didn’t matter that I groaned or pulled away. You were always patient. You buffed out all the things you thought would help me. Turns out you didn’t like me easy. You liked me needing you. You needed it, too.

I was stronger as stone. Polished and broken and smoothed out into sand beneath your feet. Pouring down an hourglass. When the last piece of me hits the bottom, you’ll leave. Because you’ve finally grown tired and now I can’t sleep. 

[cajunquandary]

JENSEN ACKLES as JASON TEAGUE SMALLVILLE 4.01

[cajunquandary]

Hannibal 3x03 - “Secondo”

[cajunquandary]

"Opal Wings" - Digital Oil Painting

I wanted to give him wings that shimmered like opal fire.

Please see the pinned post at the top of my Tumblr for my links if you'd like to help support me in saving for a safe place to live!

[cajunquandary]

I love you

[cajunquandary]

Color me flattered.

I can't believe that 1,500 of you follow my bullshit. I appreciate every single one of you - way more than you realize. I'm gonna get a little sappy on main here so...bear with me.

@cajunquandary and @thinkinghardhardlythinking - my first mutual who I still talk to pretty much every week. B being the first person from here that I met in person. I love how the two of you have encouraged me from day 1, how you've been literal rocks for me when I needed you. I love the two of you so much.

@evergreencowboy - my road trip buddy. You're like the little sister I always wanted. You dragged me into the 1D and T. Swift Fandoms kicking and screaming and didn't let go till I enjoyed it. I love you for it - that love is immortalized in fiction.

@that-one-gay-girl - my trauma buddy. I know the last year has been....tumultuous but I still love you and think about you all the time!

@wayward-dreamer - Rosh. I don't know what to say but you have been right there beside me as I obsess over vigilantes, pilots, heroes, villains, and the morally gray anit-hero. You've been an absolute rockstar of a friend and I love you so much.

@creatively-analytical - Kay. My adopted sister. I love you babe and I cannot wait to see what amazing things you do next. ❤️

@princessmisery666 - Opie. Baby. Love. Darling. My Stace of Anarchy. The love I have for you is unmatched. You've been my sounding board, my therapist, my beta, and my friend for years now. You made me watch a Tom Cruise movie for fuck’s sake. I hate Tom Cruise. But I loved the movie and it has since become my hyperfixation.

I don't know where I'd be without you but I know that my life would be down a very different path. I wouldn't have met these next amazing women and I wouldn't have realized how much of a thing for flightsuits I have. 😘😘

@therebeccaw - my sister from another mister. The reason I'm on Tiktok. My enabler and tribble breeder (God that sounds weird). I have no words for you besides if I go a day without talking to you, I worry. I love you!

@fuckyeahhangman @wildbornsiren @blue-aconite @antiquitea @callsign-fox @princessphilly @evansrogerskitten @hederasgarden @imjess-themess - the rest of my coven. I truly cannot imagine life without you all in it. We met for one idiot or another and we drool over the same hotties and create fake scenarios with our little blorbos. We're each other's biggest cheerleaders and the realism that we sometimes need when our brains are being assholes. I love all of you.

If you're not tagged and we have regular interactions, don't read too much into it. If I recognize your url and go out of my way to interact with you, you are important to me and you bring me joy every time you cross my dash or notes.

I'll be traveling again this week but I'll be doing a sleepover celebration when I get back.

Thank you for being a part of the serotonin and dopamine.

#im so glad i was able to support you! #im so proud of you #i love you #ive looked up to you since we met

[cajunquandary]

#WOW #music #found a new fave

[cajunquandary]

#that’s better

[cajunquandary]

can we talk about how hannibal places his valentine for will on top of the graven skull in the norman chapel which he called “a single reminder of mortality”. and how will stands in that exact spot when he comes to visit him 3 years later.

the reminder for hannibal that he is mortal after all is his love for will. hannibal thought of himself as untouchable his whole life until will showed him he wasn’t. the devil was finally brought down to earth because of the enormity of his love!!

[cajunquandary]

Hannibal 3.06

[cajunquandary]

MY BROTHER FUCKING IN CHRIST THE WAY HANNIBAL LET WILL SAT ON HIS CHAIR, LIKE ??? THAT IS SO !!!!!! MY BROTHER HANNIBAL MR I HATE RUDENESS LET A MAN WITH DOG HAIR SAT ON HIS FUCKING CHAIR, I CAN'T

[cajunquandary]

HANNIBAL: 3x06 - ‘Dolce’ + 3x13 - ‘The Wrath of the Lamb’