calebdumes - Tumblr blog

calebdumes · 1 year

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It seems like the only time I use my blog these days is to complain about how I’m feeling. But what is a tumblr really for if not to scream your feelings into the void so hopefully takes up less room in your head, right?

Anyways.

I seem to be spiraling again, that feeling of umimportance and worthlessness creeping back into the fringes of my mind; compounded exponentially now that I’m in a long distance relationship.

The phrase out of sight out of mind seems to be leading the downward charge.

I’m not a very exciting person. I don’t have a lot to say 99% of the time and when I do speak, it doesn’t tend to add much to the conversation. I am very much *just there* in terms of existing. When I was on my own, I could live with it. I got use to friends leaving when I went quiet. It just seemed like the natural progression of things.

Make a friend, chat for awhile, I forget to say hi one day (or I move away to college or I get a new job or I move into a new fandom, the list goes on and on and on), they don’t reach out, we drift away, I’m alone again. Rinse and repeat.

As soon as I stop talking, poof, they’re gone. Out of sight, out of mind.

It happened when I graduated high school, when I graduated college, when I changed jobs, when I changed fandoms, no matter what seems to happen, I always end up alone. People find out I’m as boring as watching paint dry and they leave (or I guess I’m the one doing the leaving aren’t I? I’m just not worth keeping up with).

Out of sight, out of mind.

Unimportant.

Forgettable.

Worthless.

(I should say, whether these feelings are true is a matter for debate but the little voice in my head who likes to shout at me sure thinks they are - a point of discussion for another time, most likely never. I understand that I don’t have the most positive outlook on myself or the highest self-esteem which is most likely the source of my issues. I get that. I know I shouldn’t listen to that little voice, I know it’s lying but how long can you live with those words echoing around in your brain until you start to believe the lie?)

Being in a relationship hasn’t help these feelings either. If anything, it’s just made me more hyperaware of them. There is the constant underlying fear that he’ll wake up one day and see me the way I do and he’ll leave just like everyone else has.

I know how much he loves me. I know this. I see this. I feel it. He has said it time and time again. I know he’d never do this and it’s really mean and shitty of me to think that this guy, this wonderful, incredible, funny, smart, handsome guy that I love to the point that I feel like my heart is going to explode and loves me in turn exactly the same, would do something like that.

But.

But my mind isn’t very nice. It makes me think I’m boring, unimportant, forgettable, worthless.

It makes me think once I’m out of sight, I’m out of his mind.

And the real kicker to all of this? Even though I’m so scared that he’ll leave, I know I’m not going to talk to him about all of this. Why? Because why would he want to put in the effort to be with someone who hates themself the way I do? (again a really shitty and mean to think someone so wonderful would do - he wouldn’t I know this but I’m apparently an asshole).

So like I said, I’m spiraling again.

But it’s ok. Out of sight, out of mind right?

#personal stuff ahoy

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calebdumes · 1 year

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[cassian’s radicalization]

↳ “Tell him, none of this is his fault. It was already burning. He’s just the first spark of the fire. Tell him, he knows everything he needs to know and feels everything he needs to feel. And when the day comes, and those two pull together, he will be an unstoppable force for good.”

#cassian andor #star wars: andor #star wars #queue your heart out baby

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calebdumes · 1 year

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