call-me-jennn

[call-me-jennn]

in the throes

My apartment doesn’t have in unit laundry. The laundry building is just a short walk away, especially when you cut through the pool. All you need is a key fob to get in. The fucking key fob. 

It’s simple. You gather your laundry in the basket, the detergent pod, the key fob and the payment card and walk to the laundry building to wash your clothes. Then in 45 minutes, you go back to put the clothes in the dryer. Then after an hour, you pick up your clothes, bring it back to the apartment, and fold / put your clothes away. Couldn’t be simpler. But every week it’s a battle. Jenn vs the key fob. 

I don’t know what it is, I just always lose the key fob. It had a dedicated hook where it was supposed to be hung, but then the lanyard fell off. Now I have a dedicated marble dish, and I just can’t manage to put it back there when I’m done. 

It starts with preparing to do laundry that I realize that it’s not where it’s supposed to be. I can’t find it and I start to have a meltdown. I can’t do laundry without it. I get overwhelmed with all these emotions of frustration and disappointment in myself for not putting it back to its proper place. I try not to cry. Where is it? I search all the flat top surfaces of the apartment, my fanny pack, and the pockets of all my clothes. I always eventually find it somewhere. This past time it was under a stack of mail, inches away from the marble dish. I guess I had tried to put it back in its place, but still managed to fail, by inches. I’m get so frustrated at myself.

Then I wash the clothes. After 45 minutes it’s time to put the clothes in the dryer. Where is the key fob? It’s really a toss up where it might be. It’s a 30 second walk to the laundry building, how could I misplace it in that walk? Sometimes it’s in the dish. Other times it could be anywhere. My pockets or my fanny pack. One time I couldn’t find it and it ended up being under the bed. Another time I found it on the sidewalk outside, dropped during a detour when I got distracted by the lights and sounds of police sirens, similar to the way a dog gets distracted by a squirrel.

I can usually find the fob when the clothes are finished drying. But the process of picking up the clothes and bringing them back to the apartment to fold and put away has me focused on completing those steps. So focused that I forget that there’s another step I need to complete. Putting the key fob back. And that’s how the key fob ends up staying in whatever pocket, or on the desk, or on the dining table, or wherever instead of where it’s supposed to be. Then the next week comes and I realize I don’t know where the key fob is.

Are you fucking stupid Jenn? Honestly, I wish I was. I think I’d be so much happier if it was just stupidity. If I were just stupid, I think maybe I wouldn’t be aware that there’s even a problem. Or maybe I wouldn’t be able to figure out a solution. But it’s not stupidity, it’s just brain dysfunction. I’m painfully aware of the problem and fully know what the solution is. I just can’t do it.

I swear I’m not just stupid. If you saw me at work, or at the hospital or at school, you’d think I’m smart. I can do so many things, I can solve problems and I can come up with creative solutions. My brain is a Ferrari. How can I be defeated weekly by a stupid key fob? My brain is a tricycle. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m insane. This key fob destroys my self esteem every week. I’m reminded every week how useless I am. I have a good memory. I don’t take any notes in school because I remember everything. But I can’t remember to put back the key fob.

During this past weekend’s meltdown, he, as he does every single time, hugs and gently consoles me. It’s not a big deal, he says. It’s okay if the fob gets lost, we can always order another one. But why don’t you put the key fob on your set of keys, he suggests for the thousandth time. My keys, which has an Airtag on them, the Airtag that he put on them. Finally, after years of struggle, I put the key fob on my keys. And just like that, problem solved.

And that’s me medicated. Unmedicated, it was this, but with everything. Forgot to pay a bill, forgot to submit my resume, forgot to take my exam. Can’t find my keys, can’t find my debit card, can’t find my glasses. Each little thing accumulates into a dozen failures constantly. And you feel horrible because with each one there was a simple solution that could’ve prevented it from happening. If only you had the brain power. For a long time I thought it was just laziness. But it’s not that I don’t want to do these things. I didn’t just choose not to. You think I wanted to be like this? I don’t know how else to describe it other than that it’s just hard. Everything was just hard, all the time. Now some things are just hard some of the time. Things are so much better now.

After years of weekly losses, I’ve finally defeated the key fob. On to the next battle.

(I know I don’t write as much anymore but this ADHD medication unfortunately makes me feel less creative. Today’s inspiration struck because I forgot to take my medication hehe.)

#adhd

[call-me-jennn]

I’ve always been confident in the decisions I’ve made. I don’t really have very many regrets. But lately I’ve been finding myself wondering how I got here, and what I’m doing. What am I doing?

I feel like I’m almost in a daze. How did I get here?

I gained 3 pounds and developed adult acne and I don’t even look like myself anymore. And now I’m doing something totally new. Things just fell into my lap and I just went with it and now I’m here and this is my life. I don’t recognize myself anymore. 

I should be stoked. I’m doing well. First in the class to get the intubation and on my second try. I’m good at this. Everyone around me is working so hard. What does it mean that I’m not? I’m not working hard, at all. I’m just coasting through. It all comes so easy. Is that a sign that it’s meant to be or is it a sign that I should be doing something harder? Everyday my classmates tell me they wish they were as smart as me or “had my brain”. But my confidence is at an all time low. I’ve never felt so uncertain and unsure of myself before.

[call-me-jennn]

#Youtube

[call-me-jennn]

jenntistry (2023)

When I started in dentistry in 2014, I knew nothing. I’d failed out of college and getting the job as a sterilization tech was practically a miracle. The assistant I worked under was awful and the doctor hated me, she never wanted to hire me. But I worked hard and I was good at it. I watched and taught myself about the procedures and within two months the doctor admitted to me that she’d never met anyone who learned as fast as I did. The assistant continued to be awful, and the doctor’s fondness of me only deepened her resentment of me. But I weathered the abuse until they fired her 8 months later. With my position as the chairside assistant, I grew hungry for knowledge. I asked questions. I learned everything I could from the doctors.

When I moved on to a more modern office with more technology, I only grew hungrier. Implants, CAD/CAM technology, labwork. New procedures. I asked questions constantly. I absorbed all the information around me.

Fast forward to the present, I’m working in surgery. I assist on cool surgeries on sedated patients. I work very hands-on alongside a doctor who loves to teach, and takes my recommendations. My office has all the newest toys and technology. I get to 3D print guides and appliances that I design. I get paid more than anyone in the office, and according to Indeed, more than anyone in San Diego. I’m doing well.

Now fast forward to today. 

I went in for an interview for a part-time position at another office. At my current office we work a 4-day week every other week to avoid burnout because our office is so busy. I was looking for another office to supplement the hours because well, pretty soon I won’t be working. The interview was… I don’t know how to describe it. It felt like I was interviewing the doctor. It felt like just a conversation between two colleagues. At one point we weren’t even talking about me as a candidate and we were discussing the 3D printer. We were discussing the similarities between our offices in terms of technology and procedures. I gave him a contact for a trainer. I could tell he was impressed by me. He asked me if I was interested in a full time position. I told him the pay I was asking for for the part time position was significantly less than my current pay, not even considering my benefits package. He asked what it would take. I threw out a number. And that was just for me to consider the position. I assumed he’d balk at the number alone and we finished the interview discussing the part time position we initially discussed. Then I got a call from his partner an hour later. They wanted me for the full time position. 

I thought I was doing well where I was at. And now I’m getting money thrown at me to poach me for a position I wasn’t even applying for. I didn’t even show any of my skills. They didn’t even ask for a working interview. 

I did it. I can say I did it, right? I reached the top of my field. And if I took this new position I’d learn even more so I’d only be continuing up. I did it. I did it all by myself. I built myself from the ground up. It feels so bittersweet because in a few months I’ll be walking away from all of it. Everything that I did, everything I earned in the past 9 years. 

I could take this position. I could accept this salary and I could work this job. We could buy a house and this could be my career. I don’t have to go to school anymore. But I should. Then we can buy a bigger house.

I look through all my contacts and I wish I could talk to someone about this. I know everyone would congratulate me on this offer being validation of how great I am, and support me on my next steps. But is there anyone who understands the loss I’m feeling leaving behind all that I achieved. All that I did for myself, by myself. 

[call-me-jennn]

One year ago, today. Whenever someone asks how we met, we always laugh and say some variation of “through mutual friends”, or “through his coworker”, “at Liberty Station”. But the whole story is a little bit more than that. He says he could never tell other people all this, that he’d be too shy. So it’s something when I can get him to tell the story. Because the way he describes it, it almost sounds like love at first sight.

[call-me-jennn]

what comes next // everything after

I have a pretty incredible memory, and I think it stems from my attachment to people. I think I never really forget anything, which in a way means I’m not really sure if I ever truly get over anything.

I remember the way my patient teared up as we went through her extensive list of health conditions that led to the damage to her teeth. She said, “I’m a unicorn”. Naturally I got emotional seeing her again after 2 years and hearing that she was no longer experiencing those debilitating migraines. I had already turned off the music and dimmed all the lights in the operatory. She was surprised I remembered. I said how could I forget a unicorn?

When a relationship ends, I go my own way. I don’t look back. I don’t wonder how they’re doing. I don’t check. I don’t want to know. I’m happy and content in never knowing anything because it’s easier for me to live like the person ceased to exist the moment our relationship ended. It’s easier for me that way. I can just mourn the loss of what we had, I have no desire to watch them move on with their life without me. There’s a lot I don’t need to see and I’m not curious to know.

Because if I’m being honest, just a sighting and my stomach drops. There’s a burning in my chest.  I manage the healthiest way I can. I separate myself and I make a concentrated effort to maintain my safe space.  

Alls this is to say that: I get these senses sometimes that something’s about to happen. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe I’m just being dramatic about the 7 day Sudoku losing streak I’m on. But I feel like something’s about to happen. I don’t know how it would make me feel. I don’t want to know.

[call-me-jennn]

if it's up, then it's up

hair: blonde skin: clear, no makeup salary: raised credit: raised

thirty ain't so bad.

(I actually drafted this around my bday but I got so anxious over how good everything has been going that I felt like if I got too braggy I'd regret it. Things have been continuing to get even better everyday with more and more good news and I just wanted to share my joy.)

[call-me-jennn]

atta girl.

"But you’re happy here right? I want to make sure you’re happy. Don’t go anywhere else. Other girls — wait, they’re gone right? *looks around and whispers* Other girls will be jealous of you Jennifer. You’re very smart. You still want to be a dentist right? That’s still the plan? This boyfriend isn’t a distraction? Other places will want to hold you back. I know how valuable you are. Even when you’re not here that long, you still get so much done. *imitates the way I type fast* Everyone says it. When you go, I don’t know how I’ll replace you. But I don’t want to hold you back, I want you to go. Aim for the top. You can do it!"

I’m a last one in, first one out employee. Not because I don’t put in as much work as the others, but because I just get all my work done so much faster than everyone else. I’m not sure how, because I also do some much more than everyone else. Yet the number one place anyone can find me is in the break room, eating snacks and texting. I’d been concerned that despite everything I do, it’d be easy to assume I’m the least hard working. I’d wondered if he knew just how much I do. I didn't think so, so I secured an offer. I braced myself for giving notice and getting through the last 2 weeks, but he immediately countered.

So I made a list of all the extra duties I do, ready to negotiate. I was so nervous. I was asking for a pretty unheard of amount. He didn’t even hesitate. Then he said the most validating words I’d ever heard.

everything’s falling into place. my dreams are so close I can taste them.

[call-me-jennn]

. 2021 was a very difficult and defining year and in the end a lot of good came out of it, but I can say without a doubt that this was the best thing to happen last year. I never thought I could be comfortable with the sight of the nape of my neck. I thought I’d never be able to wear my hair up comfortably. Now I can wear black. Now I don’t have to be embarrassed. 

I can’t stop staring at this photo. All the insecurity, all the fear of being unlovable, all gone. Well not all gone. If you look closely at my side you can see there’s still a small patch. And also on my mid back but I didn’t want to take one without a shirt, lest this be misconstrued as a sexual photo. But that back of the neck. 

It’s just a photo. Just a regular, ordinary, uninteresting photo with nothing abnormal to catch your eye.

isn’t it wonderful?

[call-me-jennn]

and just like that Jae-eon slowly seeped into my life.

[call-me-jennn]

one line a day - December

1- "I really, really like you. I've never felt this way about any girl before." 2- "NGOC A BOY IS WATCHING A KDRAMA WITH ME" 3- You Make My Dreams (Come True) - Daryl Hall & John Oates 4- "You have this way of making everyone feel special. The thing is though, if everyone is special, no one is special." 5- Reflecting on the whirlwind of the past week: I think I manifested all of this when I wrote no promises. 6- My room, but different. Those aren’t my cups on the nightstand, glasses on the counter, sweater on the hangers, toothbrush by the sink. 7- “I’ve never seen you this excited about a boy… ever.” 8- Honey soy glazed salmon with roasted garlic asparagus and chili oil noods; all my love like on a plate. I guess Acts of Service is my love language. 9- Did you know that if you communicate your feelings in an open way that it won't be a fight and afterwards you get flowers? 10- Three years later who would’ve thought we’d be where we are now, so full of happiness and love. 11- The first of many meet-the-friends. Stepping outside of our bubble. 12- “I’m scared for him, you give trouble vibes.” Same but I’m trying my best to be good. 13- When you spend every morning and all night together everyday and then he comes and brings you lunch, you might say things are getting out of hand. 14- Begin Again - Taylor Swift 15- "I'd understand if you wanted to date someone with more time." He doesn't even look up from his pizza. "Nahh. I like you." 16- Cooking him cháo before leaving to go to hang out with your friends? She is domesticated as fuck. 17- That wave of embarrassment and happiness when he's that guy who buys his girl a rose from the rose lady downtown. 18- Visiting Thanh Gia is like coming home. Sharing the community part of me with him feels special. 19- Nini cries when our play date ends. "But I want Cô Trang and him to babysit us." 20- omfg. Spiderman: No Way Home. No spoilers but omfg. 21- I feel myself wanting to open up, but it's hard. I tell him I feel bad for him for liking me, my life is so complicated. He says he doesn't care. 22- "Tell me to stay, say yes." 23- Trying my best not to let the holidays get me down. 24- Being alone this year is a lot harder for some reason. 25- "I'm happiest when I'm with you." He came back for me.

I meant to write a summary of the month awhile ago but have been so busy, so here it is long overdue. I'd had the idea to do the line a day for some time and was just waiting for December to hit. It was never meant to just be a love log about him, but December came along, and so did he, I guess. I know I stopped after Christmas, but I still believe that the days between Christmas and New Year's don't really exist. And honestly, him coming back for me on Christmas day was something of a mic drop. It was... a beautiful month. All my days consumed by him, hiding from the chill of winter in my little apartment. There's nothing like the beginning, all those new feelings developing and the excitement. Yeah. It was a beautiful month.

[call-me-jennn]

romantacizing my life - part 6.

The beginning is always the best part. Boy sees girl, girl sees boy. You go home and you wonder to yourself about him. Debating if you should look up his socials, or to ask about him. You can’t. You’re too shy. You’ll just put it out of your mind for now, and we’ll see if our paths cross again. Your friend tells you he seemed swooned by you. You play it cool and say, oh yeah, he was cute. He is.

The next time you see him is a surprise, he’s a last minute addition to happy hour. He sits next to you. Try not to get excited. You make conversation. Try not to be too obvious. Everyone convinces you both to go on the mini trip the next day. It’s a drunken hazy night. One hotel room, 8 people. Cuddles are normal, sleeping on his chest felt… intimate. You go home and put your face in your pillow. What am I doing…

What now? It’s probably nothing, so don’t think about it. You’re not doing a very good job. Okay just admit that you’ve got a crush then try to put it out of your mind. So you forget about it. Your friend has something to tell you. What is it about? “Don’t be so oblivious, Jenn”. “He said he was falling and like… falling hard.”

The first time he texts you, you get so flustered and sweaty you have to shower.

There’s a small part of me that doesn’t want this weekend to end. Going home means spending time alone together for the first time. I like just having a crush and feeling good thinking about it without the pressure of dating. Going on a date means feeling nervous and trying to be cute and not weird. What if I say something embarrassing? What if I get food on my shirt? What if I get food on his shirt? I’m all nervous and excited and flustered. Please don't let me do anything dumb.

Addendum*

“Omg he said that to you?? He’s direct. Doesn’t that usually make you run away?” It does. It usually does.

[call-me-jennn]

I’m having the most beautiful weekend.

[call-me-jennn]

. An entirely anticlimactic video of me attempting to hot glue my broken glasses back together. But Jenn, don’t you live in a clean room now which allows you to know exactly where your glasses prescription is located? Why don’t you just order new glasses? Aren’t your glasses extremely affordable and even on sale right now?

All valid questions.

[call-me-jennn]

I've broken my glasses. Been hanging out with P. Luu and his high school friends. Agreed to have a mediated relationship post-mortem. three years post-mortem. What year is it?

It's a strange deja vu, like everything always comes full circle. I've been trying my best to channel a positive energy even with the little occurrences / drama that's happened. I keep saying, just let's move past it and not make a big deal, I try to understand difficult situations. So I didn't even have to think when he asked, I just said yes. He was surprised, saying, you've always been so strong in your opinions in the past, I didn't think asking would go so smoothly. I hope I can continue this and just be more open and understanding. It's been so long since I've felt that irrational feeling of being so upset or angry and I don't want to go back.

I solemnly swear to stay out of trouble, and I definitely feel like that's what this other thing is. but damn. falling asleep on someone's chest and kisses on your forehead is quite a feeling. boy saw girl, girl saw boy. spark. what would you say to no promises?

#drafts

[call-me-jennn]

A friend that offered to come be with me for support, checking again to see if I changed my mind. Friends that aren’t religious but still look for a psalm to comfort you.

I’m really lucky.  This whole thing has been so isolating because it’s hard to talk about. I’d forgotten that I have people in my life who want to be there even when I don’t have words. 

[call-me-jennn]

no promises

It's always just happened, so I don’t know any other way. There’s a spark, boy sees girl, girl sees boy, and then the rest comes naturally. It’s never felt as clumsy as it has been lately. I’m so hyperaware. Oh my, this boy is trying to talk to me and I’m watching and deciding what to do next instead of just going with the flow. It’s hard for me to even start.

He told me about his last relationship, then asked me about mine. I didn’t say anything, he said it was okay. I don’t know why I responded that way. I wasn’t expecting to. Maybe I’ve recounted it too many times. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I like the idea of clean slates and fresh starts. Untainted, I can be anyone I want to be. Is it okay if I omit some details? Hold back when it comes to my past? There’s a lot and I’d like to just be looked at like just a regular girl for a little while at least. 

Danny came back into town to visit and we had a meet-the-girlfriend dessert meet up. It felt very grown up having your friend want you to meet their girlfriend. She was great, and we talked and got to know each other. Danny and I joked about different things and he mentioned my ex that he’d met. “Yeah but now he and…” I chuckled awkwardly and bitterly. She paused, looked at me, and said, “wait… That sounds… painful.” Yeah.

I don’t want to be looked at like that. I want to just be simple. Just a girl. No back story, nothing complicated. Sometimes when you’ve had so much trauma in your life, it’s all people see when they look at you. I just want to be. 

What if we just run around and talk about movies and listen to each other’s favorite music. What if I tell you about wrdsmth and clouds and lampposts and you tell me about the things you found special. Can we keep it light and fun? Are you okay with waiting for a one on one? Then we can go too fast. A mini cabin for just the two of us? The Hayao Miyazaki retrospective? Every speakeasy. Long, warm embraces (after we’ve broken the touch barrier). 

I’m more guarded now than ever. I’ve learned with this past break up that opening yourself up to someone means they know just how to hurt you the most. Is it okay if my heart won’t be available to be given for some time? I’ll give my time instead. I’ve got great wit and it makes for good company. Don’t think. Let’s just do it and what happens after will happen. Does it have to be love or nothing? Can we just appreciate moments for what they are and live in them? It’s never my intention for anyone to get hurt. I’ll give all I can, but it’s not much. Can you accept that for now?