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carlisle980 · 24 days
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Oh, there’s so much I’m supposed to be doing, but yesterday I fell down a social media rabbit hole looking for pictures of my dad with his new baby Scottish Highland cow and now here I am. Four years and something since I was here last and what a ghost town.
Anyway, it turns out social media is still the cesspool that drove me away, and my privacy is something I am completely unwilling to compromise, and. Life without my Nanny sucks, and life with big kids is pretty awesome, and being on the other side of 40 just means I won’t entertain anyone or anything that doesn’t value me for exactly who I am or add positively to my experience. I love my very small corner of the world and I wish I’d figured that out years ago but here we are.
I can’t remember —and can’t be arsed to bother searching— how to post ff.net fic updates anymore, but I updated one a week or so ago, on the off chance that someone will see this and know what that means. Doesn’t matter to me whether anyone sees it at all, which is why I did it. If that’s not a testament to personal growth, I don’t know what is.
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carlisle980 · 24 days
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산소 같은 너 난 너만 들이쉬면  다시 내뱉을 수 없어 이 잔인한 고통 속에 내가 죽어가고 있잖아
(You’re like oxygen When I drink you in I can’t breathe you out Inside this intense agony Can’t you see I’m dying away like this?)
reblog w the song lyrics in your head NOW. either stuck in yr head or what yr listening to
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Things I think about these days, for which I made no apologies.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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I accidentally ran with my son the other day and I’m paying for it.
I had taken him to Dunkin Donuts, and afterwards I asked if he’d like it if we drove around, maybe went to the “airplane park” (observation area at the foot of the main runway at BWI Airport) since it was nice weather. He said it sounded like fun. I should have thought to dress to run, because it’s him and that park has a miles-long trail that’s really nice.
I say “because it’s him” … This boy is twelve. He didn’t walk until he was 22 months. There was nothing wrong with him; my father didn’t walk till he was 2, nor my daughter till 18 months. There’s just a late walking gene somewhere that some in my family get and others don’t. Anyway, it was challenging when he was almost 2 and not walking because by then I had his baby brother. So picture me with one baby strapped to my chest and the other on my hip. I don’t know how I made it! Thankfully the little one decided to walk at 11 months.
Back to the 12-year-old. Once that kid got upright, he didn’t stay walking for long. He runs everywhere. I had an uncle who was like that who used to run around my grandmother’s yard with him and my son thought that was the best. He’s always been fast, but now his legs are longer than mine. We started out walking the trail at a good clip and I had to really work to keep up with him just doing that because his stride is longer. Then I said, “I know you’re looking at everybody running; we might as well do a little. I’m not a great runner but I’ll do my best.”
And here’s the thing: in high school I ran cross country. I wasn’t awesome but I wasn’t terrible. My best 5k was 26:28. A few years ago I decided to take it up again, and for almost a year I ran 2-3 miles a day on the treadmill. Unfortunately I spent as much time healing from injuries incurred while running as I did on the actual running. I have scoliosis and not just a little bit, and my skeletal structure is not conducive to running well. If I’d had my zero-drop shoes the other day, and the insoles that correct my oversupination I’d have been alright because I still work out hard. Cardio and strength training in the form of barre workouts 5 times a week and my stamina is better than it’s been in my life. As it was, I had cute but impractical street sneakers on, and I made it a quarter mile and something in my lower back said HELL NO. My boy was kind and slowed down so as not to leave the old lady in the dust.
So. For three days now I’ve been dealing with sciatica. I had forgotten just how much it sucks. It was the nail in the coffin that finally made me give up running five years ago for things kinder to my physique. Not bursitis in my knee and hip; not even plantar fasciitis could get me to stop for long, but that sciatic nerve/SI joint pain is like back labor all over again and … suffice it to say it’s not a picnic. I limped my way through workouts for 2 days after it started but today I rested. It was beautiful this afternoon so the kids and I walked around the neighborhood and that was more than enough.
Thing is, I want to run with my son sometimes. He loves it and it’s something I know a little bit about, and one of the great things about this phase of parenting is sharing in the things that make my kids tick. My daughter and I have coffee and kpop. The little dude writes hilarious stories and still wants to cuddle. My running man loves to run more than anything else in life. I’m going to find a way to meet him in it, because I’m in this place where the hard hard needy years are behind me but they seem like yesterday, and I know I’m going to blink and ten more years will be gone and so will all of them. I’ve seen what losing two sons did to my grandmother, and all of the never knowing how much time we have is something I’m constantly aware of now.
So. I’ll probably go another six months. Longer. Who knows? Without contributing anything here. But I do still want to say things once in a while. Awfully good of those of you who’ve stuck around to put up with me.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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I finished the sketch of my mom’s Jack Russell/beagle mix today. She’s a cutie with a crooked grin and a firecracker personality. This particular one was a lot of fun for me. I had a specific photo I was drawing from, but I kept calling to mind all her facial expressions to try to capture who she is.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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I’m pathetically inactive these days. I didn’t care and I don’t care except when I do care that it’s starting to show. But I know what is and isn’t good for me, and what can I do but act on new information as I learn?
The above is what it would seem I do of late when obligations don’t completely take over. Recently I spoke to my grandmother, THE artist in my world, and it was so inspiring to talk about drawing with her. So special. Thought I would share these as each one has made me happy.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Little portrait of my aglaonema Siam Aurora.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Brown creeper, aka teeny tiny sneaky little guy very rarely seen whom I’ve had the privilege of watching for several years now in the maple tree out front. He gave me fits, though! I don’t know whether it was because he’s vertical (that’s how you see them!) or the paper was horizontal, or what, but I thought he’d be so easy. I was wrong! This one was inspired by a photo of a creeper in a silver birch in Boothbay, Maine. Hadn’t drawn birch texture before and that part I really enjoyed. I wish birches grew here. Apparently we’re juuuuuuuust too warm for their sensibilities.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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A new leaf may be turning over. Inspired by my grandmother and her incredible artwork, I picked up a pencil the other day while we were snowed in and thought I’d see if I could still draw a bird, like I used to do when I was bored during my high school days. I don’t know if this is a phase or a lasting thing but it’s something that I can do and put down when I need to and come back when I can without losing the vibe. It’s just fun with no pressure, and as long as it stays that way I don’t see myself quitting.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Ten-year-old tantrums are fun. Especially in an enclosed space.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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here’s your reminder to let yourself create. not create ‘well’, just create. draw badly. write shitty poems. sing stupid songs. make whatever you want & have a great time doing it. that’s what creation is for. it’s self expression, not perfection
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Octopus filmed changing colours while sleeping.
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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I baked with the boys this afternoon while their sister was at the orthodontist. They could totally have done it themselves. I can’t believe they’re that big. It was just boxed brownies but we jazzed them up with chocolate chips in the batter and coconut on top (no walnuts because sis can’t have them with braces). I didn’t have to make sure they took turns or listened to me, and the older guy even helped me clean up without my having to ask. It’s so nice to be at this point now. Some things about them being older are much more difficult, but so many of the things that were a big production for years are easy now and that’s why it’s worth it. Sticking it out on the hard days (weeks … months … years -yes, we’ve had hard years) means seeing things like this one day (she reminds herself because the next “I’m done” will come SOON).
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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Happy Joon & Hobi Wednesday =)
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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“because your existence means a lot. let us shine” 
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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carlisle980 · 2 years
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