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“[Love] promises a way out of our suffering. We suffer from our isolation in our individual separateness. Love reiterates: “If only you possessed the beloved one, your soul sick with loneliness would be one with the soul of the beloved.” Partially at least this promise is a fraud.”

— Georges Bataille, in Erotism: Death and Sensuality

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the thing about childhood emotional abuse is that the parent/abuser molds (intentionally or not) a child into the victim they want. they program the child, sometimes from birth, to be attuned to unspoken threats, invective, and demands, learned from the abuser’s pattern of behaviors. this can make the abuse extremely difficult for a child to identify for themselves or to outsiders. one look or one seemingly benign comment - unremarkable to anyone outside the abusive system - can invoke an entire history of abuse. one subtle cue from the parent can cause terror and shame that seems out of proportion in the moment, but is perfectly reasonable within the context of the long-term abusive relationship… and that hyper-responsiveness/vigilance in the victim is in fact a goal of the abuser (whether conscious or not). 

it can be really hard to explain emotional abuse; it’s more obscured and insidious than physical abuse. that’s actually built in to the abusive system; it’s a feature. if you can’t explain why one look, comment, or other cue from a parent sends you into a panic or shame spiral, it’s not your fault and it’s not just you. take that feeling you have as sufficient cause to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. the threat is real and your boundaries are justified.

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miranda july / don delillo / holly warburton / richard siken / aaron diaz / ross gay / robert anton wilson

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#toxic

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https://www.instagram.com/simonevanstm/

#insecurity

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http://www.poorlydrawnlines.com/

#poorly drawn lines #messed up

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In order to know who we are—to have an identity—we must know (or at least feel that we know) what is and what was “real.” We must observe what we see around us and label it correctly; we must also be able trust our memories and be able to tell them apart from our imagination. Losing the ability to make these distinctions is one sign of what psychoanalyst William Niederland called “soul murder.” Erasing awareness and cultivating denial are often essential to survival, but the price is that you lose track of who you are, of what you are feeling, and of what and whom you can trust.

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

#Bessel van der Kolk #identity

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how it started /

how it’s going

#depression #poetry #mary oliver #how it started #how its going

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Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations related to the trauma take on a life of their own. The sensory fragments of memory intrude into the present, where they are literally relived. As long as the trauma is not resolved, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses keep getting replayed. Many people may not be aware of the connection between their “crazy” feelings and reactions and the traumatic events that are being replayed. They have no idea why they respond to some minor irritation as if they were about to be annihilated. People who suffer from flashbacks often organize their lives around trying to protect against them. Constantly fighting unseen dangers is exhausting and leaves them fatigued, depressed, and weary. If elements of the trauma are replayed again and again, the accompanying stress hormones engrave those memories ever more deeply in the mind. Ordinary, day-to-day events become less and less compelling. Not being able to deeply take in what is going on around them makes it impossible to feel fully alive. It becomes harder to feel the joys and aggravations of ordinary life, harder to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Not being fully alive in the present keeps them more firmly imprisoned in the past. These reactions are irrational and largely outside people’s control. Intense and barely controllable urges and emotions make people feel crazy—and makes them feel they don’t belong to the human race. Feeling numb in response to the death of loved ones makes people feel like monsters. As a result, shame becomes the dominant emotion and hiding the truth the central preoccupation. The challenge is not so much learning to accept the terrible things that have happened but learning how to gain mastery over one’s internal sensations and emotions. Sensing, naming, and identifying what is going on inside is the first step to recovery.

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

#Bessel van der Kolk #The Body Keeps the Score #trauma #shame #depression

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Aleesha Nandhra

#depression #aleesha nandhra

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Feeling more stable today, but incredibly lonely and a huge effort not to think ‘the bad thoughts’.

I’ve isolated myself so much, I can’t see further than my malfunctioning brain and outdated coping mechanisms. I’ve managed to share a little of what is happening with a few friends - I’m on prozac because I’m sad all the time - and they have been really nice but never enough to reassure me.

I already know the fundamentals of CBT and understand how they would help - I just can’t find the energy to work it through when I can hardly get out of bed.

I am investigating how to get a neurodiversity diagnosis. It feels like I’m having meltdowns and behaving so badly that I am scaring myself and others and I can’t explain it which makes me feel intense guilt and shame. This is compounded by feel like a fraud claiming a meltdown via a self-diagnosis, like I’m trying to explain away acting like shit.

I don’t know what an ‘official’ diagnosis will achieve, and I don’t know who I would tell, or who would believe me.

I want to be known as who I really am, have something in my life that is stable and be able to comfort myself.

This year has been nothing but confusion and uncertainty and it feels impossible that it will ever be okay again.

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“Love is a form of death. You’ll never be able to get on the edge of that abyss, to make the leap to know what love is, unless you’re willing to take that risk, be it personally with your isolated lonely self who’s killed in order for a new self to emerge and tangle with another self with a smile at least for a while, or a love of wisdom, where you undergo fundamental transformation, your prejudices and presuppositions are called into question. That’s a form of death, to be reborn, to become more mature in your critical orientation.”

Cornel West in conversation with bell hooks

#cornel west #love #death #bell hooks

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#depression #high score

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Going to keep all the dark posts up here because it needs to be honest and maybe I can look back and say that was my lowest point and its all up from there.

I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Daily walks with a friend is comforting but I’m afraid to be by myself or bedtime. Just circling negative thoughts that never dissipate until I pass out for a couple of hours. Reading a book on cognitive behavioral therapy and trying meditation and really just anything because I can’t keep doing this. Every morning I’m just like, fuck not again.

Cried at therapist for whole session and made an extra appointment

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02/11/20

cool the worst day of my life is palindromic

I have made so many mistakes

my heart hurts so much and there is no hope

this is the proof that my catastrophic thinking was rational all along